I’ve Been Searching

Last night/early this morning I had an incredibly beautiful dream while I slept. I don’t know what inspired this dream but I am so thankful for whatever or whoever did inspire this loveliness for me. I love dreams and the mystery of them. I believe they are often things we have been thinking of or symbols representing our ideas & thoughts either conscious or unconscious. In my dream last night I met three girls who were becoming my close friends. All three girls were pregnant. The one I was becoming especially close with was named Elizabeth. I don’t remember the other two girls ‘ names. When I heard that Elizabeth was about to give birth I wanted to run to the hospital to visit her and her new baby. It was a hospital not close to where I was and my dad was driving me there to visit her. We got lost along the way. This is not unrealistic. I don’t drive and am horrible with directions and my dad does drive but is also not the best with directions. My dad and me got into a quarrel over this. Also not unrealistic. My dad does not handle stress well and often takes it out on others. We eventually found the hospital which was close to a shopping mall. The hospital was really big, beautiful, and like an expensive looking hotel. Really complex and hard to find where I was trying to get to, the maternity ward. My dad was in a hurry to go somewhere and did not want to be late and was annoyed with me for dragging him there. My dad angrily got onto an elevator without me and in reality I am deathly afraid of elevators/ small places. And I can only go on with other people. The one he was on closed. And I felt panic stricken and saw another almost full elevator closing and I hurried onto it and had no clue where I was going. So when the doors opened I got off onto the floor that was there and the atmosphere quickly hit me with a force so potent. It was beautiful and so life affirming. Without knowing, deep inside I just knew this had to be the floor I was looking for, the maternity ward. I looked up and saw a large glass Window and through the glass I saw the most amazing thing! Babies!! Babies everywhere!! I felt so much life just surge through me. Then I walked over to the counter and saw all the staff members smiling. I asked one of the ladies working there if this is the maternity ward just to be sure. She warmly said “Yes.”. I told her I was there to see my friend Elizabeth. She said Elizabeths’s last name but I can’t remember what she said. She told me I was free to walk through the ward and go find her. Her name would be outside the room on a decoration that people made with glitter and construction paper and other arts & crafts supplies. I walked through the place and I was in awe. The environment was so, so lovely. So happy. So perfect. There were new mothers and newborn babies everywhere. Visitors bringing gifts. People smiling & loving. Caring & helpful doctors & nurses. The place was packed with people but not annoyingly crowded. Just a happy joyful place. I felt an overwhelming sense of happiness and joy and gratitude that I felt I would just burst into tears of joy right there. And I could see the staff people could feel my joy and gratitude. I was so so happy for Elizabeth and all the other mothers and the new lives created. I was so thrilled to see all the new lives who just recently entered this world with so much hope and inspiration and possibilities ahead of them. New beginnings everywhere. Everywhere. ❤ The emotion in this dream was so strong, so real. Words cannot express. It couldn’t have been more real if this was a waking experience. The place was so big and as I was walking to find my friend I decided I would go over to the mall that was close by and buy her a gift and then come back to visit her. So as I was walking out I saw a young mother laying in her bed. She was clearly in pain. I was overcome in an overwhelming sense of agony thinking of the pain so many of these mothers must have felt giving birth. As a tinge of hopelessness began to manifest another thought crept into my mind. It’s true many have experienced pain but in the end they have an incredible gift. This new being that they have given the gift of life to. And it makes all the pain worth it in the end. This young woman in pain would soon be feeling joy & gratitude for her new bundle of joy and the pain would soothe and then dissipate. As I was walking out my beautiful emotions again came flowing back to me, the joy, the gratitude, the life, the inspiration, the hope, and the warmth. ❤ I couldn’t wait to buy Elizabeth her gift and come back to see her and her new little bundle of love, hope, & joy. Then I must have woken up. This dream amazes me in the most beautiful way. I see so many themes and symbols in this experience. The theme of friendship & love, life, and hope, new beginnings, and happiness & empathy. And so much more. Babies symbolize beginnings and life. They have just come into the world and have an entire life before them. Anything is possible. But this can apply to any of us at any age, young or old. As long as we are alive there is hope and possibility. And the part about my dad and me being lost. We were lost but eventually I found my place. The place I was looking for. It was there all along just waiting for me with open arms so welcoming and it was better, so much better than I ever could have expected. I had no idea what I was in for. And I found it by accident. I just stepped off and there it was when I least expected it. This can definitely apply to life in general. If you ever feel that you lost yourself or your place, you can always, ALWAYS find yourself again. And you can be better than you ever knew. Beautiful things can happen when you do not expect it. ❤ And the young mother in pain? She is the symbol of world pain. There is much pain in this world. So much. But look around at all the joy glimmering through it all. All the beauty & hope & consolation. All the life. The life that comes with pain but also healing, hope, and happiness. Living can sometimes be painful just like childbirth. But life, just like the birth of a child, is a beautiful gift. What a beautiful dream. And to think that my own head is what created this little and wondrous, inspiring movie. And all the helpful and caring people. There are so many in this world. What interests me too is that this dream was and still is so vivid. So real. I saw each face so clearly. So beautifully. And I still can. Have you ever had a dream? One of those ones you can’t shake even after you wake up? All throughout the day the feeling of the dream lingers even after you forget the content or details of that dream. They are often nightmares. But this is just the opposite. I got a little taste of Heaven on Earth. Right here on Earth. And I can’t shake the feeling. I don’t want to. When I woke up I felt so replenished, so energized, so ready to start this beautiful day. I haven’t been getting to sleep well because of my new puppy and other dog waking me and I have been waking up feeling sluggish and exhausted. But not this beautiful morning. I got up for work so ready! :-D. Even after a night of being woken up unexpectedly. Isn’t it beautiful what a sweet little dream can do? The magic your own head can create? There is hope everywhere. I have heard that all faces we see in our dreams are faces we had to see first in reality even if it was decades ago and even if only for a split second and never realized we saw them. One page on the Internet says the person pumping the gas into your dad’s card 20 years ago can be the serial murderer in your dream now! :-O And I saw all these people in my dream so clearly but I don’t know who they were to me at one point in my reality. But I’m glad our lives crossed and touched because they have helped to inspire my incredible dream. ❤ “Somehow something’s changed Something deep inside Ooh a part of me There’s a strange new light in my eyes Things I’ve never known Changin’ my life Changin’ me I’ve been searchin’ So long To find an answer Now I know my life has meaning Ow oh Now I see myself as I am Feeling very free Life is everything Ooh it’s meant to be” ~Chicago “I’ve Been Searching” Always remember there is hope, life, and a way. Stay strong. ❤ Xox0 Kim 😀

“What if you slept? And what if, in your sleep, you dreamed? And what if, in your dream, you went to heaven and plucked a strange and beautiful flower?   And what if when you awoke, you had the flower in your hand? Ah, what Then?” -Samuel Taylor Coleridge 

Rejection & How To Handle It

      

 “When one door closes i hope one more opens.” €lw

      I have been thinking about rejection of all kinds. There are many different forms of rejection in this life. Romantic interest, friendship/peer rejection, job applications, college/university rejections and more.  

      Rejection is something that feels very unpleasant probably to everyone it happens to no matter how big or how unimportant/small the rejection may be.

      And one incident of rejection can make a person feel low about herself/himself in many other aspects of that person’s life or self.

It’s important to keep in mind though that in many cases the rejection is not an indication that the person being rejected is somehow inadequate in some ways or “not good enough”. Not everyone will always be accepted or loved by everyone for everything, even people you think should love or accept you.

      And even in the cases where rejection may have occurred because the person is/was not the best candidate or person for something or someone, that says absolutely nothing about the worth or goodness of the person as a whole. 

      You can be a great and beautiful person but just not the best at something or the best for someone. And even if you are the best at something and would be perfect for someone or something it doesn’t mean you will be accepted for whatever it is you want to be accepted for.

      Recently I experienced rejection and that’s what got me thinking about this whole topic. I have been rejected before by peers and for jobs but this kind of rejection I experienced recently is a kind of different situation.

I was unkindly rejected by someone who was my therapist for the last few months. He had a bad attitude and somewhat bitter tone in his voice which he never had with me before.

      I currently don’t have health insurance and I go to a free mental health clinic where I am treated for depression. It is for people with low income or no income who live in the area.

The therapist I recently had is a student about to graduate. At the clinic only students can talk to patients with no insurance and after the students graduate they can only have patients with health insurance.

      Since my therapist is about to graduate in a month he won’t be able to talk to me anymore unless I receive insurance. He said a few weeks ago that he liked talking to me and wanted me to fill out an app for insurance so I can stay his patient.

I agreed but I procrastinated but still intended to make an attempt to get insurance soon.

      But a few days ago I talked to my therapist on the phone where he had a negative attitude which I soon realized was directed at me.

He said he sees I still have no insurance and even though he can still have me as a patient for another month he is making the choice to “push me off to someone else” because I did not fulfill my obligation.

I told him I can have insurance soon, possibly before he graduates.

He kept saying sarcastically that he is pushing me off to another anyway.

      I asked him if I can at least have one more session with him. He said no. He will have someone else contact me soon about getting another therapist.

      Then before we hung up he said “I kept pushing you to get your insurance and I see I got nowhere with you. Bye.”

Then he hung up. Wow. How unpleasant. He was never that rude with me before.

Even if I did not have insurance for the next few weeks after he graduated, he can still take me back if he wanted after I get it but he refused. That angry, huh?

I know I wasn’t right for putting that off but it wasn’t like I was hurting anyone or lying or anything.

      It wasn’t like I did something to him personally. It’s MY insurance. Not something I should have done for him. I don’t know why he took that so personally or whatever.

And he made it a point to get in one last sarcastic remark to me before hanging up.

I find that to be very uncalled for, for a couple of reasons.

First of all, workers anywhere working with people should not get an attitude like that with anyone especially when the customers/patients aren’t getting an attitude problem with them.

And especially when those people are suicidal mental patients! That’s kind of messed up.

I did everything I was supposed to do all along and one thing I waited a little bit longer to do provoked this kind of reaction.

      My mom said I should have got sarcastic back or something. Or at least told him about speaking to me that way.

But I’m just usually not like that.

What’s more important than seeking revenge or calling someone out on something is handling things well in my own head, in my opinion.

There’s nothing wrong with confronting someone about something, in fact, that’s usually the best way to go, but in this case I just decided not to.

I may have been wrong but I do not believe he had to react that way.

      Therapists/counselors, just like patients, are people. They feel the same emotions that patients feel. They are not robots or invincible. So when a patient leaves or does something undesirable I can understand how they themselves may feel a sense of rejection or anger or loss or grief or disappointment over the patient.

But as therapists I believe they should learn to and practice handling it in professional and healthy ways for themselves as well as the patients. There’s nothing wrong with a therapist having negative feelings about a patient or something the patient does but it should be handled well and not expressed bitterly.

  Sometimes just letting something slide is the best thing. Or talking to the person about it in a calm, civil manner.

   I also felt a sense of violation I guess you can say. Like I mentioned before, I am an “open book”. I don’t mind expressing myself to people, even negative aspects about myself. But it’s not always easy or pleasant.

     And some people it’s easier to talk to than others.

Usually I did not talk to this therapist in great depth.

Very recently I began to tell him more deeper things about me like what it feels like for me to be depressed.

So I regretted everything I told him.

First I felt guilt and later I started to feel anger.

 

      So I decided to compose a list of ways that I feel are best to handle rejection. I am surely no expert but I still have a few ideas! 🙂

 

1.) Remember, rejection happens to everyone who takes risks, interacts with people, and anyone who is simply alive. When you experience rejection of any kind it may feel very personal and lonely to you but it says nothing about who you are personally and you aren’t alone. Everyone gets rejected in some way all throughout their lives. Maybe you deserve it, maybe you don’t but you are no less of a person or no less valuable because of it.

 

2.) Don’t limit your experiences and opportunities just to avoid rejection. Your life will become/remain stagnant and dull. It’s ok to be rejected every now and then even though it feels very painful or disappointing or devastating. If you constantly try to avoid it by not doing things you want, you will never experience good things and you’ll never win.

 

3.) Don’t allow this experience to lower your self-esteem. Previous rejections never indicate future rejections or general inadequacy. And they are not a sign that you are a horrible person.

 

4.) Let your sorrow flow. It’s ok and healthy to feel sad for a while but let yourself heal and move on. Never stay stuck in this state for too long. Express it how you feel is healthy and right for you. Writing, listening to music, talking to friends, exercise, go for a walk…anything that is good for you. But don’t let it ruin your life and your happiness.

 

5.) Remember that whoever rejected you and whatever you were rejected for, you can still have a happy life without that person/thing. If you were rejected by a love interest or by a university staff or for a job you don’t need those people or things to be happy. People and things can add to or bring out your happiness but to be truly happy you have to work on your inner self. It’s ok to grieve, feel loss, disappointment and move on.

 

6.) Remember there is more than just you in an instance of rejection so don’t take it personally even when it feels personal. There is you and there is the person who rejected you. If you were rejected by a person you are romantically attracted to, there are hundreds of reasons why that person may have rejected you no matter what s/he says. Maybe the person just has no romantic attraction to you. Not everyone is attracted to everyone but it says nothing negative about the person who is not liked by the other. Maybe the person isn’t ready for a romantic relationship at this moment….

If you were rejected for a job, it doesn’t necessarily mean you aren’t good enough and it definitely doesn’t indicate that you’ll never be good enough for that kind of job. Maybe there’s too many applicants and another application was in first or maybe another person has more experience or more qualifications…there are so many reasons, and a combination of things that contribute to rejection so please don’t feel that it’s all you or all your fault.

 

7.) Don’t obsess over it. Wish the best for the person. In college there were two girls I liked and wanted to be friends with. They had similar interests as me and we were part of the same organization. I’m a very shy girl but I still made attempts to express interest in them. I would sit close to them and talk to them a little bit, as much as I could for being a shy girl. I requested one as a friend on facebook and the other requested me as a friend. We did not interact much on facebook but occasionally we would comment to each other.

I started writing to them more.

But eventually both girls stopped talking to me. I would write to them and they would not write back. I even noticed when I would comment on their statuses they would “like” every comment and skip over mine and respond to everyone but mine. I know sometimes people don’t “like” or respond to the last comment on a status but even when mine wasn’t last they would skip over it and like the other ones.

Then they both removed themselves off my friends list.

Oh well, their loss! I was angry but I still wish the best for them with everything.

These are just a couple of cases where I have been rejected. There are more. 

 

8.) If there is a clear reason why you were rejected, take the constructive criticism and use it to your advantage. If you were rejected for a job for not enough experience, try to get more experience like volunteering. If a person rejected you because you were not showing much interest in that person then you can start being more conscious of how much attention you show to your friends/family.

 

9.) Try again! Still fill out job applications, look for new friends, apply to schools…

 

10.) Remember when people reject you, sometimes it’s them with the problem, not you.

 

11.) You don’t have to repress your sadness or disappointment or deny it. It’s ok to feel it, admit it, and express it. Then you can move on and find/create many more opportunities! 🙂

 

12.) Never define yourself by what others think or say about you.

 

13.) Pay close attention to the simple joys of living. The sunset, the sunrise, the moonlight, the warmth of the sun, cool summer breezes, butterflies, flowers… There’s so much to be incredibly thankful for even through sadness and pain.

 

“It’s never too late to be what you might have been.” ~George Eliot

 

“If opportunity doesn’t knock, build a door.” ~ Milton Berle

 

“I haven’t failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.” ~Thomas Edison

 

“It’s not whether you get knocked down, it’s whether you get up.” ~Vince Lombardi

 

“Even if you’re on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there.” ~Will Rogers

 

“When you come to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on.” ~Franklin D. Roosevelt

 

“Do not worry if you have built your castles in the air. They are where they should be. Now put the foundations under them.” ~Henry David Thoreau

 ❤

X0xo Kim

I Hope You Dance

. It’s a rainy Friday night here in Philadelphia which reminds me of a song by Peppers Ghost called “Friday Night in Philadelphia.” It’s a great song but I cannot find the lyrics online anywhere!

I guess maybe it isn’t very popular?

Anyway, the lyrics are something like this “….Friday night, rainy night in Philadelphia…”. I always love when it rains and when it’s raining on a Friday night? Well, that’s what’s up! Lol 😉

I just got home recently. I was at work all night. I also have another song on my heart tonight. “I Hope You Dance” by LeeAnn Womack.

I love, love, LOVE that sweet song. It’s so uplifting, beautiful, and just the sweetest. ❤

“And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance

I hope you dance

I hope you dance”

Every word of that song, every line, every little message conveyed through that song touches me deeply, inspires me greatly.

To me, one of the most poignant lines in that song is

“When you come close to sellin’ out, reconsider”

As most people who know me and mostly anyone who has read some parts of this blog of mine know, I have struggled with severe depression since I was young.

Not for any one specific reason. It runs in my family and some environmental issues have brought it out in me when I was young.

But I made a choice some years ago to take my life back and take control of it.

Some days I still feel that depression, that darkness, that despair, slowly creeping up on me getting ready to pounce any second.

It’s hard to believe I haven’t been suicidal or even thought of it in a serious or semi-serious way in six months. That is truly unbelievable to me. In 13, THIRTEEN years I have NEVER gone for more than four months, and usually not even that long without at least a little suicidal thought sneaking up on me because a depressed mood would sink in even if brief. My depression has always lifted completely for weeks or months for as long as I had it since 13 years old but always came back, to some degree, sometimes for a few days or few months before going again. Sometimes I would not be depressed and have no suicidal thoughts for four months and think I never would again, then depression would hit for a couple days, with suicidal thoughts, then go again and I would be happy for some more months or weeks. But those couple hours or days made it so I couldn’t go straight through without it.

But now? SIX months!!! And it’s all because of me. Because of the work I made a choice to do for myself. Of course I have had much help along the way but I am the main one.

I may have explained this to some extent on here before that there are different degrees of feeling suicidal.

There’s the brief, fleeting thought that ends as quickly as it appears.

Then there’s the ones that linger for a while.

There’s contemplation which is often accompanied by ambivalence.

Then there’s serious contemplation.

Then there’s the plan where the mind is made up for sure.

Then there’s the urges, compulsions where it feels that it has to be done now. There’s no more contemplation or ambivalence or uncertainty. It’s like this is it, it will happen soon or now.

I have felt all of this at various different points and it’s not pleasant. And it’s not a choice.

Actions are usually a choice but the thoughts and feelings are not.

I have learned how to often detect an impending episode that is about to occur and prevent it before it does. I am usually successful with this now.

Today, Friday, I have felt sluggish, almost depressed, in pain, still grieving over the loss of my dog, Koko.

I think of happy memories of her and smile brightly but I still cannot yet bring myself to look at pictures of her. But today I accidentally saw one of me holding her in a Christmas stocking and smiling brightly, four years ago.

I smiled but the pain was so deep. And that added to my sluggish, painful state today. Work cheered me up though and so did the rain.

It’s ok to grieve and to always sense that loss. It’s healthy.

It’s part of living. Part of loving.

I felt true depression coming on and it was about to be the suicidal kind. I can’t say how I know. I just do. After fourteen years of depression, off & on, I just know these things although they cannot be explained. So so badly I wanted to just give in and succumb to depression and suicidal thoughts/contemplation. It was taking too much energy to not give in.

Then these lyrics came to my mind and hit me hard. Right in the gut. Right in the heart as if to say “Come to your senses!”. “Get a grip!”. “Stop this utter ridiculousness!”

“When you come close to sellin’ out, reconsider”

I will not succumb. I will not give in. I will not give up.

“I hope you never lose your sense of wonder

You get your fill to eat but always keep that hunger”

I will be satisfied with, fulfilled, and thankful for all I have but I will still be passionately driven to seek more of life, more knowledge, more opportunities to learn, to live, to love, to help….

I will never lose that hunger.

I will dance.

This song gives me chills.

And I want to dedicate it to everyone who may be struggling for any reason at all, anyone who is coming close to or considering giving up, and everyone who has that hunger and will never ever give up and will choose to dance. Always. ❤

When one door closes, never be afraid to open another.

😀

Xox0 Kim ❤

The Impact one Life Can Have On Others

     

   We may not always realize this fact but one life or one word can impact another life, deeply, for better or for worse. There may be someone you don’t even realize exists and your life affects that person in some way, big or small. 

      Recently I moved into a new house with my family and out in the back is another house and the backyard to that house is against the backyard to my house. A man used to live there who I saw everyday out in the back. He may never have really noticed me but I noticed him.

One thing I noticed was that his house was constantly lit up in the back. His kitchen light was always on.

      And during the holiday season his house was decorated and all lit up beautifully with all kinds of sparkling, glittery decor and lights. I loved seeing it everyday until the season ended.

      Then over a month ago he got a new pitbull puppy who he let out in the yard all throughout the day and night and my big pitbull loved that little dog. They would look at each other through the fence. But then one day the man did not have the dog anymore.

He was just gone. And my dog would go to look for him all throughout the day, everyday for a while. The puppy wasn’t there very long at all but my dog already got used to him and wanted him back.

Then shortly after the dog was gone, the man was also gone.

      His house is completely dark day and night now and I never see him anymore. I’m not generally a nosy or intrusive person.

But I do wonder why the man disappeared like that. Maybe he just moved.

My mom said maybe he got sick or died. But I don’t like to think about that. I want to think he moved or is on vacation. A young couple who is his family who came sometimes, came after he left for a while and then they were gone too.

      I woke up during the night recently and I realized how much I miss seeing him, seeing the lights, the decorations, the puppy…

      Not in a creepy, stalkerish way. I just miss the simple things.

      This man probably has no idea that his life has an effect on mine. I did not know him, never spoke to him, don’t know his name or anything at all about him yet I was touched in some way by his presence in this life.

❤

      This Winter that was just here, one day when I was in Center City Philadelphia on a bus going home, I saw a person holding a sign that read “Homeless & Addicted”.

 

      This person was collecting money. Usually, although not always, when I see homeless people, they are middle age or old and they are men and often unclean looking and ragged/scraggly. I definitely don’t judge them negatively by their looks or anything at all. This is just my observation. And I wish I were able to help them in any way I can.

      This person I saw on a frigid cold freezing day, is a young woman with long hair and she was very clean looking and her clothes were clean looking.

      She was sitting on a street corner where the bus I was on stopped for a few minutes.

      Through her physical beauty I was able to detect pain in her eyes. And I could not have imagined sitting on a street corner for who knows how long on one of the coldest Winter days of the year.

And on top of that struggling with an addiction and nowhere to go.

 

      I instantly had the urge to get off the bus and approach her. I had no money and I guess giving her money wouldn’t have been the best idea anyway since she was struggling with an addiction of some sort.

      But I felt a strong need to do something for her. Or say something uplifting. The bus began to move and I contemplated getting off the bus and bringing her home with me.

      But since I don’t live alone I knew it would not go over too well. My family would have been pissed and turned her away at the door.

      So I stayed on the bus. Reluctantly.

      I wondered about her life (in a non judgmental way) and what horrible things must have happened to contribute to her sitting on a street corner, alone, in the midst of freezing Winter air.

      I felt complete empathy & compassion for her as I thought of my own life.

I am not homeless. I am not addicted. I have never sat alone out in unbearably cold air or any weather collecting money. And I can never pretend to know what any of that is like for someone.  

 

      But somehow, somewhere deep inside me, something in me connected with her, resonated with something in her eyes.

 

      I only saw her for a few minutes out the window that one day and never again.

But those few minutes impacted me in some way.

 

      Even stops later I thought about getting off the bus and going back. Maybe I would have if I had more money.

Maybe I could have bought her something hot to drink to get her out of the cold for a while or maybe I could have been a friend to her for a day.

But none of that happened. 

 

      I told my mom about her and she told me I better never bring a homeless person home. She also said that the girl may not have been homeless and just pretending, to get money.

But whatever her true circumstance, I know she was desperate to be collecting money in the freezing, painful cold.

❤

      One day recently I was in a store and for some reason I had a flash back of when I was in middle school out in the schoolyard on a Windy day. My long waist length hair was blowing in the wind.

One of the girls I was standing with said to me “Do something with that ugly hair.”

And another girl quickly responded with “Her hair is not ugly; she has very pretty hair.”

 

      That was well over a decade ago but even today I can smile at the compliment of the sweet girl who defended me. Over a decade later I can still feel her words today. It’s not just what she said but the fact that she was kind enough to want to help me and compliment me. I can still feel the warmth of her words. There are lots of people like that in this world. Ones who want to help and heal and be friendly and express kindness. And there are also lots like the other girl was that day who want to offend and be vicious and negative.

      But it’s much, much better to focus on the kindness of people than the cruelty of others.

❤

 

      One day approximately one year ago I was at work when a lady brought an add for a Beef & Beer for a young woman who was recently diagnosed with Leukemia and her family was struggling with her medical expenses and because of her illness she was out of work.

She was 24 years old then.

 

      I looked at the ad and saw a picture of a beautiful young woman with a bright smile and with no hair. I never knew her or heard of her before that day but I saw that her family lives somewhat close to where I live.

 

      It hurt me to know how sick she was and the physical & emotional pain that comes along with this terrible disease and all the pain her family & friends, and others close to her had to endure.

 

      I looked at her picture and wished so desperately that I could just take away her sickness. But I knew that’s beyond my control.

 

      So I walked away feeling helpless. Then suddenly I remembered there are e-mail addresses on the ad. 

So I chose one and e-mailed asking the person to tell me anything at all I can do to help support the young woman and her family/friends in any way at all that I could.

 

      The sister of the girl wrote back to me and said she was very grateful for my desire to help and that her family would appreciate if I would buy some things such as eating utensils and small gifts for the raffles at the beef & beer. I was not able to attend it because of work but I was definitely able to send in some gifts for the family and the girl.

 

      My dad helped me buy some things. And I took it to the girl’s mom’s work. When I went in to take the gifts a sweet and friendly lady asked how she can help me. I explained that I was not there for service but to drop off some things for the young woman and it turned out that the lady I was talking to is that girl’s mom.

 

      I could see in her eyes that she was deeply touched and even surprised.

 

      She told me how incredibly grateful and moved she was that I wanted to help her.

 

      After the beef & beer ended I received a beautiful thank you e-mail by her sister. I was never expecting it and her sister did not have to be so kind. She told me how great and successful the event was and how thrilled her sister was and how much fun her sister had at her event.

 

      I loved knowing that her sister and everyone had a lot of fun and that the event was so successful. ❤

 

      I also “liked” the girl’s facebook page and I was able to tell by her statuses that she is a very, very positive young woman. Even through her sickness she wrote of how happy and thankful she is and how much she loves everything. She wrote about how difficult her illness and the treatments are but that she still was so happy.

 

      Her strength astounded me when I felt everything she wrote.

 

      I’m thankful for the lady who brought that ad to my work to help that girl. Because of her, I also got a chance to help.

 

So….

       My point in this post is that words and actions and intentions can have an impact even years later so we should watch what we do and say. We may not realize the true and full impact our words, actions, or lives have or will have on others. You may think your words won’t matter at all or as much as they really will.

If you say something to hurt it may hurt much more than you intended. And if you say something to heal, your words can be much more healing or comforting than you ever thought imaginable.

  

      And if someone has a problem that you have never struggled with yourself and maybe never will and even if you are not close to anyone with that kind of problem, you can still have empathy and compassion for that person.

You don’t have to know exactly what it’s like to have concern and to care for that person.

 

      Also, we all have or have had some sort of problem or some kind of pain, either a little bit or a lot and we can draw on that to be more empathetic to others even with problems and pain different than our own.

 

     And there is often something we can all do to help another. It may not be something that seems really big or important to us but to that one person at that one moment it can be the world. So reach out your hand to someone in need.

 

“Today will never come again. Be a blessing. Be a friend. Encourage someone. Take time to care. Let your words heal, and not wound.” ~Unknown

 

“Always go that extra mile, it’s never crowded.”

 

“How wonderful that no one need wait a single moment to improve the world.”

—Anne Frank

 

“I wondered why somebody didn’t do something. Then I realized, I am somebody.”

—Source Unknown

 

“Not being able to do everything is no excuse for not doing everything you can.”

—Ashleigh Brilliant

 

“Nobody made a greater mistake than he who did nothing because he could do only a little.”

—Edmond Burke

 

“I am only one; but still I am one. I cannot do everything; but still I can do something; and because I cannot do everything, I will not refuse to do the something that I can do.”

Edward Everett Hale

 

X0xo Kim ❤

Norman Vincent Peale & Positive Quotes

One of my favorite writers and great thinkers is Norman Vincent Peale. (May 31, 1898 – December 24, 1993). He was an American minister and author ( very well known for “The Power of Positive Thinking”) as well as a motivational speaker and a big advocate and progenitor of the theory of “positive thinking”/positive thinking as a way of life. He is one of the most inspirational people I have ever read about/learned about. By what I read of him and his writings, I can see he had this incredible, positive, unstoppable attitude.

His theory is that we can overcome anything no matter how devastating or life-draining it is. “You can be greater than anything that can happen to you.”

My theory of positive thinking and optimism is that it is a great way to live but should be practiced in a healthy, realistic dosage and not be overly-dramatic or delusional.

It’s ok and necessary to vent or complain every now and then and it’s definitely ok to feel low, angry, sad, depressed….sometimes. We don’t always have to force/pretend positive thinking every second of every day.

We just should not let the negative things and despair overwhelm us too much to the point it is destroying our lives or making us live in depression or unhappiness.

We should definitely try to see positive outcomes and focus on the beauty around us but it’s ok to sulk every now & then and admit that you have problems or pain or misfortune.

Of course there is more to living than just all rainbows, butterflies, lollipops, and happiness twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week! Lol

🙂

And when I say “delusional” I’m talking about not believing or claiming something that is nowhere near true no matter how positive it is.

An example I saw in a book before of delusional positive thinking is if a person has absolutely zero friends and hasn’t had friendly social contact in weeks, it’s better for that person not to tell her/himself that s/he is extremely popular and has hundreds of friends. Lol

Also, we don’t want to ignore the bad in the world and not try to help it when we can or act like it is non-existent. That won’t make it ok or make it go away.

We just should not let it run our lives.

Positive thinking alone is not always effective. It often must be paired with positive action.

 

Norman Vincent Peale has many great quotes said by Dr. Peale himself and there is also a collection of quotes and writings by others that inspired him. I am blessed enough to have come across them one day.

Many of them are so uplifting and inspiring and I will add some here to help inspire others.

 

Quotes by Dr. Norman Vincent Peale:

 

“Change your thoughts and you change your world.”

Norman Vincent Peale 

 

I believe this is so true. It’s not always an easy or quick process to change our way of thinking but it can be done! One way is whenever you have a thought that something will turn out negative, force yourself to automatically think of other options than just the one you instantly thought. 

Keep an open mind.

 And remember that even if something negative does occur, you can find ways to cope and see it through. And if you have negative thoughts about yourself, counter them instantly with positive thoughts until you get into the habit of doing this.

 

“Any fact facing us is not as important as our attitude toward it, for that determines our success or failure. The way you think about a fact may defeat you before you ever do anything about it. You are overcome by the fact because you think you are.”

Norman Vincent Peale 

 

This quote, to me, is insanely inspiring! Lol! :-D. This is to say that it’s not what happens to us that breaks or strengthens us but how we react to it. This is so empowering. We cannot always control our circumstances but with practice we CAN control our thoughts and emotions and learn to handle them better and more effectively.

 

“Watch your manner of speech if you wish to develop a peaceful state of mind. Start each day by affirming peaceful, contented and happy attitudes and your days will tend to be pleasant and successful.”

Norman Vincent Peale 

 

Absolutely. Speaking/thinking negatively becomes a wretched habit that is so ingrained. Even thinking negative things in jest or what seems lightly like “I’m so stupid!” “What an idiot I am!” Can weigh on you with a negative impact without you even realizing. So pay close attention to your thoughts & spoken words and then correct yourself, gently, but firmly, with more positive words.

One example I have is when I get stuck working sometimes eleven hour shifts days in a row, which is rare but does happen, I realized when I would go in work in the morning thinking “what a long dreadful day this will be” I would have more of a heavy, negative way about me for the rest of the day. But when I would go in in the morning thinking “This is ok, I will make the best of it.”. I felt lighter and happier and more joyful.

Watch those words of yours! 😉

 

“Empty pockets never held anyone back. Only empty heads and empty hearts can do that.”

Norman Vincent Peale 

 

Yet, another quote by the great Dr. Peale that rings so true to me! Being financially poor or unstable is not the worst that can happen but being emotionally bankrupt kind of is! As long as your head/heart is full of love and you have a good head on your shoulders, that’s all that matters! You don’t need lots of money or material things, although, it’s ok if you do have that. Just remember your worth is NOT in any way dependent upon that. ❤

 

“It’s always too early to quit.”

Norman Vincent Peale 

 

Yes it is! Keep going! It’s worth it!

 

“It is of practical value to learn to like yourself. Since you must spend so much time with yourself you might as well get some satisfaction out of the relationship.”

Norman Vincent Peale 

 

“Stand up to your obstacles and do something about them. You will find that they haven’t half the strength you think they have.”

Norman Vincent Peale 

 

Don’t let what seem like barriers blocking your success or happiness hold you back or scare you! You are stronger and more powerful than those inanimate things. You are a person capable of reasoning and working through things creatively.

 

“The trouble with most of us is that we would rather be ruined by praise than saved by criticism.”

Norman Vincent Peale 

 

This is an interesting thought. Constructive criticism is good when it is truly meant to help a person for the best and when it is gentle and driven by true, good intentions. It is better than empty, fake flattery said to someone just to spare the feelings of the person or to have the person like someone better for praising. Criticism should never be destructive and intended to hurt, destroy, or drag someone down. That is uncalled for and malicious.

There are so many different people with various abilities, thoughts, ideas, and levels of creativity and it’s great to have their input.

 

 

He has many more great quotes. He was a very wise, intelligent, and inspirational man who had a tremendously positive impact on so many lives throughout his days here on Earth.

 

Now I will list a few of his favorite quotes by other people.

 

“We are not creatures of circumstance, we are creators of circumstance.” Benjamin Disraeli

 

“Perseverance is a great element of success. If you only knock long enough and loud enough at the gate, you are sure to wake up somebody.”

Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

 

“It takes a wise man to recognize a wise man.”

-Xenophanes

 

I like this quote. It’s true if you are able to see wisdom and beauty in someone, you must be wise and beautiful yourself to be able to detect that and understand it! ❤

 

“When the going gets tough, let the tough get going.” –

Frank Leahy

 

This reminds me of a song sung by Billy Ocean, which I have on my phone and I love it! It inspires me everyday. ❤

 

“When the Going Gets Tough” by Billy Ocean

 

“I got something to tell you

I got something to say

I’m gonna put this dream in motion

Never let nothing stand in my way

When the going gets tough

The tough get going

I’m gonna get myself ‘cross the river

That’s the price I’m willing to pay”

 

I love Billy Ocean’s voice, it’s so beautiful and he sings beautiful sappy love songs which I love! ❤

I loved him since I was a young girl. ❤

 

I hope you are able to find inspiration & hope in the quotes I shared with you above!!! ❤ 😀

 

Xox0 Kim ❤ 

Just a Happy Post :-D <3

I love all of the seasons and to me the transition of the seasons is so magical. I was walking to work one day recently and looked up and noticed all of the colorful flowers blooming to life on the trees and all around.

And the weather was sparkling and warm and the splendid rays of the beautiful sun were caressing the Earth all around me. I felt as if I have just come in contact once again with a long lost friend who I haven’t seen in forever. It was beautifully overwhelming.

My dog, Koko, died exactly one week ago and since then I haven’t been the same. I have been sluggish and kind of in a fog with no zest or life spark in me. On occasion, I was still able to smile & laugh at things and find joy but it wasn’t the same as it was before my loss.

Deep inside me I couldn’t shake that nagging deep pain. I began to not only mourn Koko but to mourn for part of myself. I haven’t felt completely like myself and felt that I may never get myself completely back again.

That’s also how I feel when my pain disorder flares up severely and when I become severely depressed. But a while after my pain disorder calms and my depression heals, things go back to the same.

I know things will never be the same now because Koko will never be back.

But I also know that after time goes by the edge of the pain will diminish some and grief will heal, although it will never go away. It will become easier to live with and I will have the happiness of knowing my dog when I did.

I have hundreds & hundreds of pictures of her in my phone but I don’t like to look at them just yet. The pain of seeing her so clearly in pictures but not having her here is very deep. It’s heartbreaking.

Today, one week later, I felt my usual life spark again, very brief & fleeting but it appeared. That gives me so much hope that soon I will get back to my sparkling self.

I wasn’t just happy before Koko died; I had this zest & sparkling life all throughout me, pulsating through my veins and blood.

I know I’ll be that way in general again and it won’t be too long before I experience that again but I sure miss it right now.

Today is my furbaby Isis’ birthday! She is six years old and I love her. She was my baby for four years and one of the greatest things in this world. She is so happy and full of life, so energized and playful.

She is a very spoiled girl today! But that is nothing new! I spoil her everyday!

But today she got lots of bones and a toy and a vanilla frosted cake. She was wagging her tail and jumping all over the place!

Also, a few days ago I accidentally came across a sign in a check cashing place, made by a family who had a litter of pomeranian pups that they had to find homes for. Their pom baby had pups and they decided to sell them, not at a pet store but just to anyone interested. Their dog had the pups without them wanting her too. So they had to find homes.

Koko was half pom and I don’t usually see ads for those kind. The ones the family were selling are full breaded poms.

My family wasn’t planning on getting a new dog as we already had three as well as other pets.

And if I were going to look for a new pet I would prefer to adopt one at a high kill shelter to save lives and not support the horror of puppy mills where they are severely neglected, abused, and mistreated.

But when I stumbled across this sign I copied down the info. The family lives very close to us and I knew we would give the puppy a very loving home that s/he deserves if we got one.

But I also knew that my dad would probably disregard the idea. He prefers to only have one or two pets.

I don’t mind more as long as it’s not an insane amount because that’s not good for anyone! Lol

But very surprisingly my dad said if I call for information we can think about it.

So I called the lady and she was very friendly.

And all the puppies found homes except for one little boy who still needed one!

So my mom, dad, and me went to see him and I fell in love instantly!

He is fourteen weeks old extremely friendly and outgoing. He is this big fluffy ball of fur who craves attention and is not timid or scared at all.

My dad said we could have him!

We brought him home and he gets along well with all the other animals.

I love him already, we call him Emmy. But no animal can ever replace another even if the new animal is loved as much just like no person can ever replace another.

My heart still aches for Koko and always will. I miss her so terribly it hurts.

I have also felt very lonely in my grief but I know others feel the same.

Last night I went to a movie with my mom, dad, and sister. We saw “Evil Dead”. It is so hilarious but I’m not sure if it’s supposed to be or not. There are demons calling people “bitch” and stuff and saying “Suck my cock!”. I was lmao!

But it’s also ridiculously GRUSOME! Blood everywhere, body parts ripped off, gore and all.

And I have mentioned in a previous post how that affects me. I have a very strong stomach and do not get queasy over blood and guts on tv or in person but I feel almost as if it’s happening to me when I see it. Yuck! Lol.

But it sure is funny, this movie!  

I’ll be getting ready for work soon.

I love working at the store but recently my coworker and me got yelled at badly! My boss said someone told her we were giving away free stuff to people. That accusation is completely UNTRUE but she believes it and said we will be fired if she hears that again. Which really sucks because someone is lying for some reason and can just lie again!

This isn’t the first day someone lied. We have gotten told about this before.

Since we have no cameras people get away with too much like lying and stuff!

Oh well though, I’m still staying positive! 😀 

 

Another thing I am very happy about is: I was filling out a job application recently for a peer specialist position/training class and on the app where it asks for basic info such as race, name, address, and gender, for gender it has options to check off: Female, Male, and Gender Variant/trans.

I am so pleased that they include other options than just the usual male/female. While most people can identify as male or female, some do not. Some prefer to be referred to as transsexual/transgender and imagine the frustration and exclusion they must feel being forced to check off something that doesn’t completely describe them! All places should be more open to variation/diversity of all kinds.

I know some trans. People want to be referred to as male and some as female but some like to also be known as trans. Some people identify with aspects of both genders while others cannot identify with either and that is all ok.

 

So yeah that makes me happy!

😀

 

I looked down and saw my “Love Life/Be Brave” bracelet earlier and love the feeling I got. This life truly is beautiful even through the pain, sorrow, and misfortunes.

 

I hope you all find/have strength, happiness, positivity, and much hope. ❤ 😀

 

Xoxo Kim ❤

 

P.S. That’s my birthday girl in that pic with me! ❤

Thank You!!! <3 :-D

I want to thank everyone who has recently liked any of my blog entries or hit the “follow” button for it and everyone who already liked or followed it a while ago. I am so, so thankful.

And for the people who just read it and stay quiet.

 

Some people think it’s “uncool” or shallow or just stupid to get so happy over “likes” or get depressed over not enough attention on social media websites. I agree that we should not let “lack of attention” on the internet get to us too much. But there’s nothing wrong with being grateful for and very happy about the “likes”, shares, reblogs, and comments that we do get.

I decided to create a blog account not only for myself to have a collection of all of my positive & happy thoughts, ideas, finds, and things but to try to help uplift others as well.

So I did create this blog account for other people to see. Even if no one ever paid attention to it I would still keep up with it for myself and whoever may come across it at some point. And you never know who may be “stalking”! Lol ;-p

 

I understand if you just have a blog for venting just for yourself or a blog that is “blocked” so other people cannot read it you may not care as much having no readers. But if your blog is about a certain topic for others to see, of course you’ll be thrilled over knowing that people see & like your content!!

I love that people are kind enough to take the time to read or comment or “like” my entries and stuff.

I’m going to very soon create a page under the “Menu” section here where I’m going to list the links to inspirational/positive/self-help/motivational websites & blogs.

They can be professional or personal blogs. They don’t have to be very old or completely established yet either. I have quite a few in mind that I’m going to list and I would love more ideas.

I just want a collection of links for websites/blogs with a general positive, inspirational, or self-help theme.

I’m not looking for anything in return like a link back to my blog or a promotion in any way of mine.

If you have a blog or website that is your own with that theme or if you just know of one that you love, you can send me the link either in an e-mail or in a comment here if you want and I will list it! 🙂

So many, many, many blogs & websites have helped me significantly and uplifted me even in my despair and I would love to share them with others and maybe they can be helped and inspired too. ❤

 

Sharing is caring!! ❤

 

Here are a few websites I’m going to list:

 

http://www.jonathanlockwoodhuie.com/

 

http://www.soulfulliving.com/index.htm

 

http://www.positivelypositive.com/

 

I also have some other ones.

 

I hope you’re all having a fantastic day!! ❤ 🙂

 

X0xo Kim ❤

“That’s Just the Way I Am”

I’m currently reading a book called “Finding Joy” by Charlotte Davis Kasl, Ph.D

 

I haven’t completed it yet but I can already tell it’s an amazing book!

 

Dr. Davis Kasl came up with this idea that is designed to help people to accept themselves just the way they are, flaws or perceived “flaws” and all. We all are going to have things we don’t like about ourselves and things other people do not like about us and that is ok. We don’t have to be considered perfect to ourselves or anyone else. We can be perfect in our own way.

 

Dr. Davis Kasl suggests that we choose some things about ourselves that we may consider to be less than perfect and say or write it out and after saying or writing it, put “That’s just the way I am” or “That’s just what I do sometimes” or “That’s just what is” after it.

Some examples in her book are: 

 

1.) “I get anxious filling out IRS forms. That’s just the way I am.”

2.) “I get scared and don’t stand up for myself. That’s just what I do sometimes.”

3.) “I wear a size 6 top and size 12 slacks. That’s just what is.”

4.) “Sometimes I interrupt. That’s just the way I am.”

 

(Page 30, “Finding Joy”, Charlotte Davis Kasl, ph.d)  

 

I believe that we should accept what/who we are even the “bad” things because we will be happier and more joyful that way. And anyway it’s impossible to be human and have absolutely no negative things about you.

 

This isn’t always easy but it is definitely possible and worth it! It’s ok and even good to make attempts to change certain things about ourselves for us for the better but even while we are working to change those things, it’s still possible and good to accept ourselves as we currently are while working to change certain aspects.

For example:

Someone who wants to lose weight for the better would benefit, in my opinion, while accepting her/his current body/weight/physique while attempting to change.

By “acceptance” I don’t mean necessarily “love”. I think we should think or say “This is how I currently am” or “This is how it currently is” and “that’s ok” and try not to feel resentment or anger for ourselves.  

 

There’s really nothing you can do right this second about how you are. If it can be changed it will probably take a while and some work. If it can’t be changed ever it will do you good to embrace or at least accept it.

Focus on the positive aspects about yourself that you like and cherish those while working on what you feel can be better.

It’s ok not to be 100% perfect in everyone’s eyes and even to our own selves.

My view is that in general, things should only be changed about a person if it’s better for that person and is a positive change. So a girl (or anyone) who wants to lose weight, in my opinion, should only do that if it’s healthy for her and what she truly wants for herself and not because of what others or society as a whole or anyone else thinks.

There have been things about myself that I thought is ok but I cared what other people thought and wanted to change it for them, not me.

Ex: My nail polish gets chipped a lot and looks unattractive even to me but I don’t have a serious problem with it. I would prefer to have lovely nails that aren’t all chipped but if they are oh well I will get around to changing them eventually.

But I recently saw people making extremely insulting comments on Facebook on a picture of a girl with chipped nail polish and saying she should constantly keep up on her nails and destructively criticizing her for not doing so. They seriously are acting like this triviality reflects who she is as a whole person. That’s quite a stretch if you ask me.

 

On some occasions I have looked at my terrible looking chipped nail polish and thought to myself “What would those people think of my nails like this if they saw?”

But I realized it’s not important to me what they think of MY nails! They should attend to their OWN and forget anyone else’s. It just seems so absolutely trivial.

I love fixing up my nails when I’m in the mood but I won’t make it an obsessed top priority because of what other people think!

Also, I have chicken legs. I did ever since I was a little girl. They are very thin like my dad’s. I also have extremely thin arms.

My mom always jokes in a playful way about my thin arms and chicken legs. I always found it amusing.

It’s mostly only noticeable when I’m wearing shorts (which I only wear to sleep in) or dress/skirt (which I hardly ever wear) though, not when they’re covered in pants.

I don’t have a problem with them. I haven’t struggled with my body image since I was seventeen years old.

But recently on Facebook I saw a pic of a girl about the same size as me with thin arms and legs and people were calling her “gross” and “disgusting”. I’m not underweight or malnourished at all and neither is she in that pic. And I don’t have a completely flat stomach.

And I started to think “Wow if they saw me they would think I’m disgusting.” I can just imagine the comments they would say about me!

And the truth is I let it get to me for a while. But I won’t obsess over it at all.

It’s definitely ok and even necessary to a certain extent to care what people think of us about some things. We’re not robots or whatever!

It’s good to a certain point to have emotional reactions to others. Good & bad. It’s unrealistic to expect us to never ever care. We need connections and to be healthy, I believe we should be affected by others.

Just not overly negatively affected to the point that we care more about what other people think than being true to ourselves.

We shouldn’t care so much that we change ourselves for them or care so much that we constantly obsess day & night!

That is unhealthy.

 

Here are some of my “That’s just the way I am’s”!! Lol!

😀

 

1.) I’m overly empathetic and often have the tendency to let other people’s/animal’s problems & pain overwhelm me even if I don’t know those people/animals. “That’s just the way I am.”

 

I often feel that this means I’m very weak. And then I start to think very low of myself about it. I want to care for all living/sentient beings but I want to have barriers to protect myself against exhaustion over it. But this is me!

 

2.). Sometimes I do care more than I should about what other people think about certain things about me. “That’s just what I do sometimes.”

 

3.) I have the tendency to sometimes feel that my worth is dependent upon people & things outside of myself such as how many friends I have, how many people like me, how many accomplishments I have achieved…. “That’s just the way I am, sometimes.”

 

I am not as bad with this as I used to be but I must admit that I still do struggle, on occasion, with feelings of extreme worthlessness.

 

I know I create my own worth and purpose but occasionally it’s hard not to fall into a negative trap.

 

4.) I have the tendency sometimes to struggle with feelings of extreme worthlessness and feel that I’m different than most people in some ways that are not good or that other people may think are not good. And then I feel extreme loneliness and excluded. “That’s just the way I am.”

 

I have mentioned before about how I am a very simple kind of girl. I’m not talking about boring or shallow with no depth but I’m very happy and content with simple things, usually. That’s actually a good thing but sometimes I think it may not be socially considered so good. Sometimes laying in bed all day with my dog on a rainy day brings me just as much of a thrill as some people would probably get going on a big extravagant vacation! Lol

 

5.) People tell me I need to get a backbone because I tend to feel guilt at just the thought of coming back at people who say/do something negative to me. Sometimes I do get revenge and I usually feel guilty and sorry either instantly or later because deep inside I really don’t like causing pain or anger for people, even ones who do that for other people. People see it as a weakness. “That’s just the way I am”.

 

6.). I do like horror movies but they affect me more than they should. I’m not one of those jumpy, scared people that feel fear all throughout the movie and then at night when I’m in bed! Lol. But because of my excessive empathy, I feel pain, both physical & emotional when I see the characters feeling pain in the movie. I know it’s not real but it seems soo so real! I also feel empathy for the actors because I know they have to be feeling stress, maybe even emotional pain to some degree while making the movies. I know they chose that job but even self inflicted pain is still pain and worthy, in my opinion, of empathy and compassion!

 

7.) I have no special talents or creative abilities! “That’s just the way I am.”

 

8.) I procrastinate like crazy! “That’s just the way I am.”

 

9.) I am extremely disorganized and the more organized I attempt to become, the more disorganized I am! “That’s just the way I am.”

 

10.) I like to wear low-cut shirts and tight clothes. For me, not to attract negative attention or get lots of men. People think it’s trashy. 

But I like it because I like the way I look and feel in it. “That’s just the way I am.”

 

11.) I don’t like when people think something negative about me that is not true. So, often, if someone accuses me of something negative that is not true, I feel the need to drag out a conversation/argument until I feel I got my point across. If someone misunderstands what I’m saying or wants to stop talking before I feel I got my point across I try to drag it out for a while. My mom and sister cannot stand this and they claim that I do this merely to cause trouble and for the sake of arguing. They call it harassment. Then I feel the need to drag that out!

Lol! “That’s just how it is.”

 

I really don’t do this just to argue or be negative! :-). My sister and mom are similar in ways that I am not. When they don’t understand something or are stressed or frustrated they want to quit trying to understand and not talk about it. This drives me bananas! Imagine someone accusing you of something negative then you can’t even defend yourself and get called harassing!! >:-O

 

 

12.) I’m horrible at math. Even simple basic stuff. In college I got put in the math for dummies class because my exam scores were sooo loooww! Lol! We were doing elementary school math!

:-O

  “That’s just the way it is.”

 

13.) I am very easily amused and laugh uncontrollably even sometimes during inappropriate situations such as when someone trips or spills something. It may be annoying, possibly immature, and it makes people, especially my mom, mad! But “That’s just the way I am!”. “So sue me!” Lol! ;-D

 

I also laugh out loud uncontrollably in movie theatres at scenes where no one else is laughing, not sad scenes but stupid ones. And when there is a hilarious scene where everyone is laughing hysterically, I’m the one still laughing long after everyone else has stopped. Kind of embarrassing!

That “American Reunion” movie & “What Happens in Vegas” practically had me on the floor lmao!!! :-p

 

14.). I’m kind of the biggest pig and have to have the largest of everything when I buy food or drinks out somewhere. My mom says I eat “like there’s no tomorrow.”. Lol “that’s just the way I am”.

 

So there’s a list of some of my “That’s just the way I am’s”!

 

This is not to encourage people to settle for less or to be less when we can be more. It’s to show that it’s ok to not be perfect and it’s possible and great to accept yourself the way you are, flaws and all, even if you intend to change eventually, for the better.

You’re not a “loser”, “freak”, or “worthless” just because you have a few quirks, flaws, or negative qualities.  

You are not a horrible person for your less desirable traits or habits! 🙂

I read another book before which I do not remember the name or author but the author mentioned that whenever she did something or possessed a quality she or someone else did not like she would say “So sue me!”. 

“I made a mistake, so sue me!”. Lol that gave me a chuckle!!

 

I love the feeling I got reading and doing this exercise.

I recommend it and encourage everyone to give it a try. You can list yours on your blog, in a journal, or just make a mental list but I definitely think it’s a great idea!!

 

❤ 😀

 

I hope you’re all having a beautiful day! 🙂

 

X0xo Kim ❤ 

Grief is the Price We Pay for Love <3

“How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard.”

 

― A.A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh

 

 

Like I stated in my last post, I am grieving the loss of my dog, Koko, who recently died of old age. I had her for twelve years.

Grief over any loss, human, animal, even something that is not a living thing such as a job, an ability, any senses….is often seemingly unbearably painful and agonizing.

Grief over a loss feels agonizing and is pure anguish. It hurts and is one of the worst feelings in the world.

But it’s not all a bad thing even though it may feel that way.

It shows that we love something deeply and are blessed enough to have known a gift that is so hard, emotionally, to lose.

In my opinion it’s better than living without true love. Living like a zombie or numb to where we have nothing to lose or love. I recently read a quote that says something about not getting too attached to people because that is the cause of grief when they die and not being attached will bring happiness.

I agree that it’s good not to be overly dependent in any way but I disagree that’s it’s good not to get too close to someone out of fear of losing that someone.

That, to me, seems like a secluded, sheltered, lonely existence. Grief hurts. Loss hurts. But it’s still good and brings happiness to be close to living things even though we can lose them one day.

 

Early yesterday morning while it was still dark was one of the more difficult occasions. The pain was extreme. I miss my dog. I wish I were able to hold her again, hug her, and kiss her. Watch her eyes light up and look at me, wake up next to her. It hurts.

 

It was hard for me that morning to take full pleasure in the beauty all around me. There were crickets chirping and birds singing and it was beautiful & lovely but my pain is so great.

 

It felt like it would always feel that bad. </3. I felt hopeless.

 

But I received an e-mail in the morning with some incredibly inspirational & consoling quotes:

 

“There are no hopeless situations;

there are only men who have grown hopeless about them.”

– Clare Boothe Luce

 

“You have to accept whatever comes

and the only important thing is that you meet it with courage

and with the best that you have to give.”

– Eleanor Roosevelt

 

“If Winter comes, can Spring be far behind?”

– Percy Bysshe Shelley

 

“I hope that you walk around the corner

and you get very surprised.”

– Miranda Richardson

 

These quotes are in an e-mail by Jonathan Lockwood Huie.

 

I love his writings and his collection of inspirational material. It’s so mind-blowing, warm but powerful, and incredibly inspirational.

 

Check out his page: http://www.jonathanlockwoodhuie.com/

 

And another quote I have read a while ago “Grief is the price we pay for love.”. I’m not completely sure of the author but I think C.S. Lewis may be.

 

Grief is the price we pay for loving so deeply. </3 ❤

 

I hope everyone is having a beautiful day/night wherever you are. ❤

 

Xox0 Kim ❤

pet loss & grief </3 <3

 

 

I h

a

ve a heavy heart today and am struggling with grief for the last few days.

 

On April 6, four days ago I posted pictures of my two birthday girls, Koko & Isis Summerjo on Facebook and wrote about how my family is going to celebrate their birthdays on Isis’ birthday next week. My furbabies. Both of them have birthdays in April. Isis’ birthday is April 14th and she will be six years old. Koko’s birthday in is April but we don’t know exactly which day. My aunt gave her to us many years ago and mentioned that her birthday is in April.

Koko was fourteen years old this month and we had her for twelve years. On April 7th, 2013, the day after I posted the picture of Koko and wrote about celebrating her birthday very soon, she died. It hurts me to write those words. She wasn’t suffering and she was always very loved. She was old for a dog but that does not in any way ease my grief or sense of loss.

I love animals and to me they are not “just animals”. Koko wasn’t “just a dog.”. She was my friend & my family and a big part of me just like my other three dogs, Oscar, Isis Summerjo, and Boobie are. I have lost other pets to different things and it is always very sad.

For the last couple of weeks Koko began to change in some ways. She became slower and her breathing changed. She wasn’t sick though and she still would eat & drink and was still happy. But I was able to sense changes in her that were not good.

These changes were devastating to me because even though they were not seriously dramatic, I knew they were inductions that Koko would probably not be around much longer.

This hurt me desperately.

I never wanted to be prepared for that loss. Koko slept in bed with me all snuggled up in the blankets next to me or laying on my chest all night many nights.

She always kept her little tongue out. She was so adorable and beautiful.

The night before Koko took her last breath when I walked in my house three of my dogs jumped up to greet me like usual. But Koko did not. She just laid there on the sofa and looked up at me.

This was very unusual for her. She was never a very energetic girl but she would always greet me when I walked in. I knew then for sure that I would not have many more days with her.

Then I woke up in the morning and my mom & dad came in my room to tell me she died shortly before I woke up.

All day that day and all the days after I have been very sad and grieving.

It doesn’t feel the same without her. I have a house full of all kinds of furbabies and featherbabies but her lack of presence is agonizing and obvious.

And one of the worse things is Koko and my other baby, Boobie were extremely close and literally inseparable for over 10 years and they loved each other more than anything else. I have never seen animals with a love like that for each other.

They defended each other against the big bad kitties and they snuggled together all day long. 

Now Boobie doesn’t know what is going on. She doesn’t know where her best friend is. She barks and cries now when she never did before. She shakes and keeps looking in the yard.

For us, at least we know what’s going on. We know what happened to Koko.

And I can try to find ways to cope with it.

We had Boobie since she was a few months old and since then she has never lived a day without Koko by her side.

It hurts to wake up and Koko isn’t there and to lay wrapped in my blankets knowing that’s what Koko loved to do and now she can’t.

I feel sorry for Koko that she doesn’t get to live anymore and that she misses out on all the things she loved. I know she doesn’t know she’s missing out but it hurts just the same.

Almost every night after work I would bring home four treats, one for each baby. All four of them would jump happily and come running over for their treat. I share my snacks with them and break a piece off for each one.

It hurts me now to only bring home three treats and to break things into only three pieces and no longer four.

I am happy & blessed that Koko was my furbaby for 12 years and she lived a long and happy life.

The way I handle my grief is similar to the way I handle my depression. I just go about my days as usual, not repressing or denying my pain, although sometimes I want to.

But I won’t collapse into my bed or the floor and stay day and night giving up everything, although sometimes I want to do that too. Different people handle pain differently and I don’t think one way is better than another. It’s all up to the person.

I have grieved before over people and animals and I find that going to work helps me in some ways. I love being around and interacting with people even through my grief.

I am still able to find joy in the small things. 

A couple days ago I saw someone’s old, half-eaten lunch on the side of the road and I had to chuckle.

And then a young man walking up the street saw me and said “Yeah, I love this weather; girls are all walking around wearing next to nothing!”. And I found myself laughing again.

I recently went to Johnny Rockets Restaurant with my family and a worker there was dancing around to the Oldie’s music with the cooking utensils. It was so hilarious! I actually got one of those good belly laughs!!

❤

I have found that my grief fluctuates in waves each moment. Some occasions are ok or good while others seem unbearable.

I know my sense of loss and my pain will never go away but I will learn to live with it and cope with it after days, weeks, months.

On Sunday, April 14th, we will be celebrating my pitbull, Isis Summerjo’s sixth birthday!!

We always celebrate their birthdays and anniversaries.

They love special treats and Isis loves toys!! 😀

Unlike my other dogs and cats, Isis is extremely sensitive to the environment and aware of everything going on around her. She loves and craves and demands extra love & attention. My dad calls her an affection hog. She is a very large dog in terms of her weight.

She is low to the ground but she is very plump and weighs over 80 pounds. Boy pits tend to be larger than girl ones and she’s bigger than the average boy! Lol! ❤

She loves when we sing to her. And she pushes the other dogs away when we talk to them so that she can get all the lovin’ for herself!  

Last year on her birthday we sang happy birthday to her and she was thrilled!  

Then a couple weeks later my mom & sister sang happy birthday to me on my b-day and she thought it was her’s again! Lol it was adorable!

Recently I got two tennis balls at my work for her as a b-day gift for next week.

I kept them hidden in my handbag.

But Isis goes in my bag and snoops around because she knows treats are often in there.

One night when I went out, I came home and found one of the tennis balls on the floor! She went in my bag and took it out to play with!

Then in the morning while I was sleeping she took the other one! Lol! It’s the cutest thing ever!!

She steals whatever she can get her paws on! ❤

On Thanksgiving my mom made a turkey for my dad, sister, and herself(I’m a vegetarian so none for me) and Isis jumped up at the table and carried off with the entire turkey! My dad was pissed! Lmao!

But my mom got it quick enough!

I know that animals grieve like people do but they don’t know what is going on. I am sad for my other dogs. Boobie especially and then Isis really seem to sense the loss.

 It’s weird not to have her here today and to think that everyday she will not be here.

 

Koko brought us lots of joy, love, and happiness throughout the years and that’s what matters now.

❤ ❤ </3 </3 ❤ ❤

 

I hope everyone is having a good day/night and if you are grieving over a sad loss, you’re not alone. I’m here grieving too. </3 <3. It’s ok to feel angry and sad and devastated and to express it in healthy ways. Not everyone understands how deep someone’s grief over pet loss can be. Many people feel that it is not justified and do not understand the magnitude of pain and loss of a pet. But there are many who do understand. It’s important to care for yourself even during the grief and loss. Sleep when you’re tired. Eat when you’re hungry. It’s important to nourish your body. It’s ok to feel joy or not for a while. You can cry or not or laugh if you want. Your grief doesn’t have to look or feel like anyone else’s or any certain way. My heart goes out to anyone grieving any kind of loss.

 

 

“How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard.”

 

― A.A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh

 

 

“To love life, to love it even

when you have no stomach for it

and everything you’ve held dear

crumbles like burnt paper in your hands,

your throat filled with the silt of it.

When grief sits with you, its tropical heat

thickening the air, heavy as water

more fit for gills than lungs;

when grief weights you like your own flesh

only more of it, an obesity of grief,

you think, How can a body withstand this?

Then you hold life like a face

between your palms, a plain face,

no charming smile, no violet eyes,

and you say, yes, I will take you

I will love you, again.” 

 

Ellen Bass

 

X0xo Kim ❤ 

 

P.S. Koko is the baby laying on top. The pomeranian mix.

Boobie is the chihuahua mix and that big baby in the other pic is Isis Summerjo!! ❤