Archive | May 2013

Beauty All Around

buddhakim

Yesterday was a beautiful day. I woke up somewhat early. Early for me. 10:00am The night before, I slept very well. I have been struggling with lower back pain, bordering on severe. Along with my facial pain disorder flaring up. Right now it’s because of my sleeping schedule being kind of messed up with my dog’s waking me up throughout the night and morning and the central air thing in my house broke so it has been excruciatingly hot some nights. I’m telling you, not getting the right amount of sleep for me really messes me up like nothing else! I get sick, coming down with sore throats, my hair falls out in clumps!, my whole body aches like hell, and on and on

But anyway,

When I woke up yesterday morning, my family was already awake and decided we would all go out together before I had to be in work at 5:00pm. We had no specific plans so we ventured on out just to see. And we drove by a Buddhist church in South Philadelphia! I never seen anything like it! Ever! I have never even known Buddhist churches exist! I don’t even know if it’s called a “church”. I’m uneducated on this topic. My dad saw it before though but he doesn’t know anything about it.

It’s AMAZING looking! The whole outside is very colorful with large statues all around it! So beautiful.

I wanted to go in SO badly!! But we are not sure if it’s open to the public or if only Buddhists/members are allowed in. I am not a Buddhist. I am an Atheist. But I love to learn about Buddhism and read the quotes and wonder at the concepts and things. So we just took lots of pictures outside with the statues!

bk8

bk9

I LOVED walking around in the wonderful weather. It was warm & sunny but with a slight chill.
In Center City Philadelphia, outside some stores, there are free books and things and my dad wanted to check some out! And I found a few treasures! This one book I found and was going to give to my sister. It’s a book of poems amd quotes mostly about things pertaining to a God. The Biblical God it seems. My sister, just like my dad & mom, is into God, Biblical things, and the supernatural things. I, however, am the oddball of the family who turned out a skeptic. lol 😀

But when I checked the book out better I soon realized it’s more my cup of tea than her’s! It’s a book of poems and quotes about appreciating the gifts all around that are considered by many to be “God’s blessings.” While I am quite the skeptic I am anything but closed minded. I find inspiration everywhere. Even in things with a religious or theistic tinge. I close my mind to nothing. I am very blessed and more and I LOVE all things about appreciating the beauty around us and helping those in need, people & animals alike.

I am so grateful that this littlen gem has fallen into my hands!

And I want to share an amazing short poem in this book.

Love Should Blossom

“So many loving words to give
To those with whom we work and live;
So many words heal and bless
Another’s hurt or loneliness.

A friendly smile, a glad hello
Can cheer someone who’s feeling low;
Or just a little thoughtful deed
Will help fulfill another’s need.

So many things that we can do
To help another’s day ring true;
So many ways to show we care –
Love should blossom everywhere.

Written by Kay Hoffman

Seriously, how true is this amazing message?! It’s a beautiful poem that rings so true! Any kind word, warm smile, friendly hello, loving gesture can brighten someone’s day and turn someone’s life around. So when you see a mother (or father) struggling with a screaming kid, offer them a helping hand instead of disgusted glares, adopt a furever friend at a shelter, hold doors for people, smile at strangers, make a true attempt to understand another person’s point of view or emotions, volunteer, help carry someone’s bags, buy someone a drink, genuinely compliment someone! There are an infinate amount of ways to make someone’s world a little or a lot brighter!

Why not be the one bringing light to that person struggling in the darkness? ❤

I also found a novel which I have just begun to read. As of right now, it's thoroughly entertaining. It's about a girl who is looking for a man and is unhappy that she is single and 32 years old. People keep nagging her about when she's going to get married and they won't just let her be. I think I know how it will end!

It's ok to be single at any age though. It's ok to want to be romantically tied but it should not interfere with general happiness and love of life itself. You don't need anyone to complete you. Fall in love with yourself and then romantic love may come your way soon! Or one day in the future. ❤

The book is called "Romantically Challenged" by Beth Orsoff.

I hope you all have a great day and appreciate the simple pleasures of life and being YOU! ❤

x0x0 Kim

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Hello – Lionel Richie

There’s a song I really love, actually there are lots. But the one on my heart today is “Hello” by Lionel Richie. He has an amazing & beautiful voice and I’m a softie for sappy love songs, especially old/ sort of old ones!

http://m.youtube.com/#/watch?v=b_ILDFp5DGA&desktop_uri=%2Fwatch%3Fv%3Db_ILDFp5DGA

(I’m using my mobile phone and can only get the mobile link which may not work for anyone using a computer or another kind of phone)

I sure love my sap!

“I’ve been alone with you inside my mind
And in my dreams I’ve kissed your lips a thousand times
I sometimes see you pass outside my door
Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
I can see it in your eyes
I can see it in your smile
You’re all I’ve ever wanted, (and) my arms are open wide
‘Cause you know just what to say
And you know just what to do
And I want to tell you so much
I love You.”

It’s the sweetest thing ever. I have a beautiful image in my head when I think of or listen to this beauty. I imagine a beautiful woman (I know he may not be singing to a woman but that is what comes into my head and in the video he is singing to a young woman) walking by in the gorgeous sunlight as it dances upon her hair and lights up her beauty and smile and a lonely and loving man longing for a companion peers out at her longingly without her knowing and dreams often of what it would be like to talk to her, touch her, be near her, embrace her, be loved by her in return. …He wants to know her and her life.   I see images of tables and chairs outside small cafes with umbrellas above and people walking the streets but this lovely lady is the one who catches his eyes and his heart.

Breathtaking.   Stunning.

Many years ago I heard on the radio, a disc jockey say that this song is NOT a romantic love song but a platonic love song about a long lost family member. And she briefly explained how some of the lyrics indicate that. My memory of exactly what she said is faltering and so I don’t really know much else. All I know is it definitely sounds like a romantic love song to me and when I search the net for the lyrics and meaning, everyone else seems to believe it’s about romantic love. Either way, it’s stunningly beautiful. So warm and wistfull.

The video?   Well, it’s controversial but I like it. Lol. In the video he is a teacher or professor and the girl he loves is legally blind. She cannot see a thing. She is very, very young which is one of the things that make it controversial and she’s also a student where he teaches, also controversial. But maybe the most controversial thing of all….he stalks her! that’s right, stalks her! Lol

It may be creepy but he’s not a serial murderer or sexual predator, he just loves this beautiful girl. I get the idea that she’s a young woman in college, maybe about 20 or 21 years old. But some think she’s younger.

Anyway, she’s in an art class and all of a sudden there is some commotion and people run to get him to come and see what this girl has sculpted in her class.
He runs into the room where she is sculpting and it’s quite a shock!

You may just want to cry! Lol

Now, if you want to watch the YouTube video which is a few minutes long, to see what happens instead of reading it here then do not read any more because I’m writing a spoiler!!!

SPOILER alert!!!
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The thing the girl sculpted is the professor’s face!!! As accurate as can be!! And remember, she’s blind! Completely and never touched his face before then. She’s in love with him too! So much she already knows his face!

😀

I would LOVE any comments/messages about the meaning or anyone else’s interpretations of this lovely song! But I’ll always love it even if it’s a mystery!

Lionel Richie is one of my favorite singers, always has been, and forever will be.

http://www.lyrics007.com/Lionel Richie Lyrics/Hello Lyrics.html
;-D

Xox0 Kim 😀

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It’s OK to Say NO!

I love to help people whether or not I know them. I even help people I don’t like much. I don’t mind going out of my way for people even when I get nothing tangible or anything in return.   I help so much that I often put my own plans and desires on hold so other people come first. This happens more often than not.

Just the feeling of helping and knowing they are happy is enough for me. 

But there comes a point when people go overboard with their demands and requests. That point is when they take advantage because they see how much someone helps and never or almost never says “No”.

It’s great to sometimes put others before yourself and to say “YES!” to helping often but it’s NOT great to do this so frequently that you constantly put yourself out and are wearing yourself out to the point of physical and/or emotional exhaustion and it’s taking a toll on your body and self- esteem.

Lately I have been burdened by other people’s excessive requests for favors and demands to the extreme. People I never imagined would do this to me. Since I like these people and since I love to help people in general, I kept saying yes to their every request no matter how extreme and how frequent and how much it wore on me  and put me out.

My mom was angry and said this is completely wrong of them to keep asking and me to keep saying yes. I was constantly canceling and rearranging my own plans and putting my desires and needs on hold or completely abandoning them for other people’s wishes.

To do this sometimes is good! But to do this to the point of exhaustion and especially when the person or people asking non stop are clearly taking advantage and milking you for all you got just because in their heads they “Know” you’ll say yes is just going overboard and it’s uncalled for and detrimental. 

I believe it’s detrimental not only to the one doing all the excessive favors but even to those asking excessively. They need to be grounded, set-straight, “Put in their Place” if you will. They need to wake up and finally see that the world does not in fact, revolve around them and what they’re doing is wrong.

It’s just wrong to take advantage of somone’s caring and generous nature.

And on top of that I asked one of these people for one small favor which I rarely do and was told NO. So they know how to say no when they feel like.

And someone asking me constantly to put myself last has turned into a backstabber and needs to be told no once in a while.

Recently, I finally said “NO!” to someone. And my initial reaction was guilt and then regret. “I shouldn’t have said No.”. “Should I have said No?” “Why am I being Selfish?”. “This is so unlike Me.”. “I should have said Yes!”. “Maybe I should just go say Yes!” and on and on.

But my mom reminded me of all I have been doing for them. So much, my pain disorder began acting up and I still did more.

Then underneath the guilt and regret, I felt a sense of liberation and relief.   It’s my obligation to take care of myself and if saying no every now and then is caring for myself then that is what I have to do.

I will continue to help people often and sometimes put my plans off or cancel them for others. But I made a vow to myself to care for me as well, not just everyone else.

I don’t like when people are disappointed or angry and I definitely do not ever want to be the source of their pain but it’s not my job to wear myself out just to please people who purposely milk me for all I’m worth and turn into backstabbers.

No one is more important than anyone. No matter what.

If you want to say NO to someone who has been taking full advantage of your generosity and caring tendencies, say it! Scream it off the rooftops! Say NO! And if you want, don’t even explain.   Don’t even say sorry if you don’t feel like it.   Just a big NO will do. NO!

Say YES to yourself for once. And then make a habit of it.

As the saying goes, “People will treat you how you let Them.”. Not everyone takes advantage but those who do , pick up on how you are and how you react. They see how you usually are and then they base their treatment of you on that. So stand up for yourself. You’re worth it.

“That you may retain your self-respect, it is better
to displease the people by doing what you know is right,
than to temporarily please them by doing what you know is wrong.”
– William J. H. Boetcker

“Perhaps the surest test of an individual’s integrity
is his refusal to do or say anything that would damage his self-respect.”
– Thomas S. Monson

“Self-respect is often mistaken for arrogance
when in reality it is the opposite.
When we can recognize all our good qualities
as well as or faults with neutrality,
we can start to appreciate ourselves
as we would a dear friend
and experience the comfortable inner glow of respect.”
– Osho

“Self-respect is not a function of size, age, or wealth.
Breathe deep, sing loud and sweet,
I am me, I am unique, I am magnificent.”
– Jonathan Lockwood Huie

“When you say ‘Yes’ to others, make sure you are not saying ‘No’ to yourself.”
~Paolo Coehlo

Here’s to saying YES to yourself!!!

Xox0 Kim 😀

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My Mental Illness & Strength

I work on topics for this blog frequently although I don’t always post them quickly.   I mostly use my phone and when I have a great idea I write it down in my memos section.
This is a fantastic phone for many things.   My last blackberry phone has a memos section but every memo entry goes straight into the same section/folder and I have thousands upon thousands of memos for all different things. So when I would create a blogging memo to later post to this blog, it would be lost amidst the thousands of other memos and if I would forget the title of the memo, well I was out of luck.

So I would write the word “Blog” in every title so when I searched I would search for the word “Blog ” but then that list was getting way too long and it took a long while to find the post I was searching for.

But this phone let’s me create multiple folders for anything I want! So currently I have a folder for the sole purpose of this blog, one for inspirational quotes, one for poetry, ….

It’s so organized and convenient and I love it.

Anyway, today I am depressed and hallucinating. As I have mentioned here before, I struggle with Major Depressive Disorder with Psychotic Features.   I have since I was eleven years old and was diagnosed at 21 years old.   And it sucks. I have recurrent episodes, sometimes with psychosis(hallucinatuons & delusions) . When I’m hallucinating, I don’t always know it. Until someone points out my bizzare thinking or behavior. Or when my depression lifts and I realize I was totally schizing out. 

My depression is generally much, much better than ever before.   My episodes are not as frequent and usually not as severe. But today I was so depressed I could not get out of bed for a few hours. I laid in bed for hours wide awake but unable to move. I was in so much pain it was incredible. It felt like my gut going through a shredder. Like my whole body weighed thousands of pounds, it was agony. It really was.

I can’t even explain it in words. It was not triggered by any one specific event. But endless negative thoughts scurried through my head. All of my failures, feelings of lack & loneliness, anger, grief, despair.   It was hell. Then I got myself out of bed and was standing in my bedroom. My sister was in her room and my mom was downstairs.   No one else was in my house. My dad was at work.

I looked to my side and a man was standing next to me and startled me and I jumped and screamed loudly. My mom was on the phone with a utility company person and did not appreciate my shrieking.   I succumbed back to my bed and the man vanished. I later realized I was hallucinating.   My hallucinations are often very vivid and seem very real. Sometimes I know I’m hallucinating, sometimes I don’t. I have visual, auditory, &  tactile hallucinations.   The tactile (bodily / feeling) ones are usually the worst and most frightening ones.   I feel someone or something on my body pulling me, crushing me, strangling me. Sometimes I believe and feel that I am being dragged across the floor, down the stairs, and just all over but really I’m just laying in bed.  It’s horrible but I have learned to cope.

I hear voices sometimes, which are all in my head but they are just as real to me as an actual person standing before me and talking. They often speak nonsense. Sometimes they talk to me and other occasions they have conversations with one another. Sometimes about me. They don’t say bad things about me and they don’t tell me to do things.

One night some years ago I was laying in bed trying to sleep and two different voices were trying to determine if I was already asleep or not. I know now they were not real.

I see scary things that others can’t see. But not all of my hallucinations are scary. They can be annoying and they can just be there.   Not scaring me, not annoying me, just there.

This freaks some people out. It freaked my aunt out years ago way before I was diagnosed and had no clue whatsoever what was going on with me. She was too afraid to be around me after that and I was invited over to her house less frequently and was not allowed to sleep over or go out with her anymore.

When I was at the jersey shore with her and my grandmom when I was fifteen years old, I slipped into a very deep depression and I could not get out of bed. My grandmom yelled at me and said it was for attention. Other people said it was a “Rebellious teenage Phase” and my aunt was scared out of her mind yelling that I was “Going off. “. Me? I had no idea what was happening. No idea how to explain it to anyone.

It was a living hell.

I was delusional, thinking people were conspiring against me and wanted me dead. As an adult I  have believed that therapists of mine were out to destroy me and were working against me. And wanted me dead or ruined.

When I was a teenager I had no idea what depression or psychosis is.

But here I am now. All grown up and I know what I have and what to do to help myself.

I am not dangerous to others or society. I will not hurt anyone or destroy anything. I know what is right and what is wrong. While I cannot always control my thoughts or emotions I CAN control my actions. I never think about or want to hurt or kill anyone other than myself. And usually I do not even want to hurt myself anymore.

My mental illness is a part of me. It is not the biggest part of me. It is not me. But there’s no denying that it IS a part of me and may always be. I am not embarrassed to write about it and I am not embarrassed to talk about it in person to anyone at all. I can’t deny it and pretend it’s not real or not serious and I don’t want to. It may not be good and it may not be pleasant but that does not make it any less a part of me.

I don’t always go out of my way to bring it up to people out of nowhere but I never go out of my way to cover it up or keep it a secret. 

I am not a secretive kind of girl. I don’t want to be. I don’t want to be anonymous or shady or keep to myself. I want people to know me for all that I am, good & bad alike.

I realize that sometimes I talk about my illness and suicidal thoughts or compulsions lightly or a little too casually for some people.   It’s just the way I am. It’s not to make light of a serious disorder but because it’s so much a part of me and I am so used to being me, I tend to forget that mental illness and suicidal contemplation are not light or extremely common things that people in general tend to talk about casually or openly.

So a conversation of mine can go a little something like this:

“So today I woke up, got into a shower, contemplated suicide, walked to the store and then I went to work and I was hallucinating all day and I got an iced coffee and I came home…” sometimes I just forget that to other people, that can be the biggest shock to hear or read, that I contemplated suicide today. But to me, that’s just part of what I am.

Lol

I have no problem discussing it in public even when strangers can hear.

It used to kill me that I wasn’t like other girls. I wasn’t a “Normal” girl. I have this extra baggage to lug around. But it is what it is.  

When I was in tenth grade and would sit in class with the other girls, I knew I was different in an unpleasant way.   When they talked about what they wanted for their sixteenth birthdays, they wanted cars, and cellphones but all I wanted was a gun and a casket. When they giggled and dreamed about what to wear and who to take next year to the prom, all I could think about was who, if anyone, would come to my funeral.

Of course I did not mention this to anyone at all. I was not as confident or open back then. I suffered alone in silence.

Today I was excruciatingly depressed BUT the thought of taking my own life did not even cross my mind! I’m so happy to say! I am getting stronger.   I am getting better.
Just a year ago I would have gave in and contemplated or thought of ending my life but not today! Not anymore!

And even through the pain of today, I was able to grasp onto some positive things and thoughts and not succumb to what may have turned into a full-blown, clinical episode. 

I can think of two things that contributed to my depression today. Lack of sleep last night and I woke up early and read a girl’s heartbreaking story of her best friend who recently died of cancer at age 27 years old.
They were inseparable friends and could not stand being apart. 
I can’t stand reading that people die. My heart just breaks.

I want everyone to be able to talk openly about mental health and illness. Some people may genuinely not want to discuss their own condition and that’s definitely ok. But there are those who do want to discuss it but cannot bring themselves to out of fear of being misunderstood or ridiculed or rejected and abandoned.

Your mental illness is not who you are. You are so much more.   But it is a part of you just like any physical condition is a part of other people. And you can learn to cope with it and accept it.

If other people cannot, you may want to reconsider being around them too much or putting much thought  into them.

There are people who will accept you, mental illness and all. And there are those, like me, who know exactly what it’s like to struggle with it.

You can’t pull yourself out of it or directly talk yourself out of it but you CAN make decisions and form habits that will contribute to remission or recovery or just make your condition less severe and easier to handle.

It won’t always be easy. I now view this as a blessing, as painful as it can be. It inspires me to better myself in general and strengthen my positive nature and my general gratitude.

It’s not always pretty but it does have its positive side.

Having this blog helps me tremendously. Just thinking about the fact that I have right here to post whenever I want about positive thoughts, experiences, coping mechanisms…to help others and myself brings me a sense of consolation and inspiration.

YOU can empower yourself and inspire yourself. Be your biggest advocate.  

I am depressed right now but not like earlier. And I know it’s temporary. It comes and goes and I am strong enough to prevail.

” All the world is full of suffering.
It is also full of overcoming.”
– Helen Keller

Let today be the day that you choose to become your own greatest hero. 

Xox0 Kim

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😀

It’s ok <3

It’s ok to be powerful but gentle.
It’s ok to be shy but bold.
It’s ok to be loving but firm.
It’s ok to be giving but receptive.
It’s ok to be assertive and passive.
It’s ok to be strong but soft.
It’s ok to be expressive but reserved.
It’s ok to be outspoken.
It’s ok to be wild.
It’s ok to be joyful.
It’s ok to be sad.
It’s ok to be scared.
It’s ok to be wise but confused.
It’s ok to have setbacks.
It’s ok to fall.
It’s ok to get back up.
It’s ok to rest.
It’s ok to be loved.
It’s ok to do nothing for a while.
It’s ok to be adventurous but cautious.
It’s ok to be different.
It’s ok to stand out.
It’s ok to disagree.
It’s ok to grieve.
It’s ok to not know.
It’s ok to not completely understand.
It’s ok to be thin.
It’s ok to not be thin.
It’s ok to be hurt.
It’s ok to heal.
It’s ok to move on.
It’s ok to be imperfect.
It’s ok to fail.
It’s ok to succeed.
It’s ok to be tacky.
It’s ok to be youthful.
It’s ok to splurge on yourself every now and then.
It’s ok to skip a day of work just because you feel like it.
It’s ok to get bored.
It’s ok to be ungrateful sometimes.
It’s ok to want more.
It’s ok to want better.
It’s ok to love yourself.
It’s ok to forgive.
It’s ok to be angry.
It’s ok to be selfish sometimes.
It’s ok to curse.
It’s ok to be soft – spoken.
It’s ok to speak up.
It’s ok to know you deserve better.
It’s ok to ask for help.
It’s ok to not explain yourself.
It’s ok to accept yourself, flaws and all.
It’s ok to love even when it hurts.
It’s ok to cry.
It’s ok not to cry.
It’s ok to laugh.
It’s ok to be silly.
It’s ok to celebrate for no reason.
It’s ok to get dressed up just because.
It’s ok to buy yourself an expensive gift merely because you want it.
It’s ok to buy yourself flowers.
It’s ok to wear mismatching clothes.
It’s ok to be misunderstood.
It’s ok to be complicated.
It’s ok to be simple.
It’s ok to come alive.
It’s ok to get tired.
It’s ok to feel weak sometimes.
It’s ok to be happy.
It’s ok to be wonderful.
It’s ok to be beautiful.
It’s ok to be you.

It’s all ok.

Xox0 Kim 😀

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Beautiful quote

“Love is more than what we feel for another person.  It is the scent of lilacs, roses, the ocean breeze or fresh summer rain.  That thing that makes your heart smile when you breathe it in.  Love is a summer breeze, the first snow flake, a big hug or a warm blanket on a chilly day.  It is that thing you feel when you are wrapped up in or touched by something wonderful.  Love is grass on your bare feet or sand between your toes, it is the splash of the ocean or the warmth of the sun. It is that sense of touching something bigger then you that makes you realize how special we are to experience this moment, now, here.  Love is million tiny moments that happen to the beat of our heart.  That stirs our senses and awaken our spirits.  That reminds us that when we fall we are not defeated, just seeing a different view feeling a different feeling.  Love is what we feel with, touch with, see with.  It is the one constant that makes our lives better.  The added bonus isn’t love it is sharing all your love with the ones you love.  “~ Cheryl Nordyke

Just sharing this beautiful quote I have seen today! Love it!

I think it’s a sweet reminder to appreciate all the simple pleasures and beauty all around us.




Xoxo0 Kim

Grief, Loss, & Healing

I mentioned in previous posts that last month, my beautiful sweet fur baby, Koko died of old age. She was fourteen years old and my family had her for twelve years. It is one of the worst pains I have ever experienced. The fact that she was old and lived a full dog life with us brings me a sense of consolation but my grief was / is still so very strong.   It hurts. So deeply. She was a significant part of me. 

She slept with me and on my chest so many nights. I carried her around and loved and hugged and kissed her. I had her since I was a fourteen year old girl until I became a 26 year old woman.   It’s unbelievable that she’s gone.
I got her in high school and she was there at every stage of this life of mine.   When I struggled with depression, hospitalizations, graduations, loneliness, new people, college, just everything.

I can’t believe I’ll never hold her again.

Some moments that fact hits me so hard so deep. It cuts me. And it hurts. How can my sweet, sweet beautiful Koko be gone? Forever!? It’s incomprehensible.   It’s astounding.   I can’t believe it.

I can’t. It’s too sad. She was my baby. For about three weeks after Koko died, my grief was the number one thing I felt over anything.   I have a generally happy life so underneath my grief I felt happiness but it was drowned out by the grief. I could hardly laugh or joke and be my lighthearted self for weeks. Finally, my zest for life returned and my grief took the back burner and my happiness returned to the top again with some occasions my grief becoming strong again.

But generally, my happiness was at the front. I know grief heals but never ever goes away. The edge usually goes away in general and that raw pain like in the beginning doesn’t take over in general anymore. For many people, the raw pain may make an appearance through the years every now and then.   Maybe triggered by something or maybe just coming out of nowhere. But it’s no longer a constant after healing begins.

The raw pain of the loss of my sweet girl came back about a week ago.   I expected it would at some point. And I expected it would go again. For the last week I have been struggling hard with it. I miss my Koko and I want so badly to hold her close and kiss that sweet head again. She kissed Soooo much! She loved to kiss.

I have so many, many pictures of her and I am incredibly thankful for that even though it hurts to see them. I can see her so clearly in my memories.

I want my grief to continue healing but I don’t want it to ever go, as painful as it is. It is an indication of true love & blessing. 

It’s hard because not everyone understands the severe agony of pet loss so I cannot express my pain to everyone. Many, many people believe it’s just sad when a pet dies but not a “Real” or serious loss. People can think, feel what they will. But this is a big, and horrible loss for me.

I am angry. And I have been feeling as if I’m acting like a spoiled little ungrateful brat focusing on what I don’t have instead of what I do.

But I know that’s not true.   Grieving is ok.

Today I woke up with my heart pounding at the thought that I will never see my girl again. Not ever.

So I have to accept it. I have to. For me.

It’s not easy. But it just is. 

Shortly after Koko died, I saw a sign hanging up that said pomeranian puppies for sale. A family had a litter of puppies that their dogs unexpectedly had and they had to find homes.

We had three other dogs already and were not looking for another. My mom had to go to a check cashing place. I complained. I usually go everywhere with my mom and did not want to go but she had to so we went. I walked in the door with a heavy heart. So broken and heavy.

I stood there trying to keep my grief at bay. I looked up across the room for no reason and there was that sign!

I couldn’t believe it! Koko was part pomeranian!! And no dog can ever replace her and make it ok that she’s gone even if I love that dog just as much but I wanted to give one of those babies a home.

My mom told me to copy the info. But she said my dad probably would not allow us to get one of those pom poms because my dad doesn’t like to have more than a few pets and we already had some.

But I copied it and when he came home after work i told him about the sign. He wasn’t as thrilled as we were but surprisingly to us it wasn’t completely out of the question either. I’m very, very shy even on the phone and I rarely make phone calls to people I don’t know or know well.   Even as an adult I used to have my mom make my phone calls for me for things like therapists and stuff.

My dad told me to call the family selling those pups. Like I said before, these are not puppy mill or pet shop pups and I don’t support puppy mills and the atrocities and horror those places are full of. This is just a family with a litter of pups their dogs had.

Some how I mustered up the courage to call! And the lady told me there was one boy left! One boy waiting for his loving forever home!

I have never lived a day of my life without a pet and never will.   In my family we never ever give pets away. No matter what. No matter how bad they are. Lol! 🙂

And I  love them like people.   So I knew that boy would have a loving furever home with us.

He was the last pup just waiting. They had him in a playpen and he was standing up wagging his little  tail and was so so happy to see us. He smothered me with kisses when I held him. Just like Koko used to.  And he has Koko’s face! But certainly not her personality!   She was calm and gentle and reserved.

This little boy is a terror! He’s wild and energetic and gets into everything he can get his little paws on!

He wasn’t afraid or anxious coming with us. I am so thankful that it was him there who we got to bring home. We had him for a little bit over a month and I can’t imagine not having him.

He is absolutely perfect.   I love how it’s like honoring Koko. He’s the same breed but full breaded and he’s like her life’s gift to us. I would never ever have wanted Koko to go away just to get another new dog. I wanted to hold on to her forever.   But I couldn’t and with this horrible situation we have him. This perfect five month old little pup.

Even my dad, who was reluctant at first and likes to be in control of everything is happy we got him and he calls him his son! Lol

His name is Emmy.  And everyone loves him. Even the other dogs.   Boobie who was Koko ‘s best friend in the world and was heart broken to lose Koko did not like Emmy at first. She avoided him like the plague. Now she loves him and plays with him the most! Koko did not usually play, she just snuggled.   Boobie is ten years old and all she does is play with five month old Emmy! He brought out her playful side.

Sometimes at night when I’m grieving so hard over my loss, I look next to me and see sweet little Emmy sleeping and I am overcome with gratitude and joy. It doesn’t take away my severe pain but it does ease it somewhat to know something good has come of this agonizing circumstance. 

Yesterday Emmy ripped my nose ring out! It has been pierced for about nine years and was never out! But yesterday morning when I was half sleeping it looked like a great plaything and he leapt up and ripped it out! It was bleeding! It needs special equipment to get it on and off but somehow he got the ball off and it flared up my pain disorder so bad. So my pain has been quite excruciating!   Tomorrow I have to go to the piercing place and get it put back in.

I love that sweet boy.

My mom, dad, and sister believe in signs and that things were /are “Meant to Be.”. I do not believe that.  They believe Emmy is “God’s ” gift or that Koko sent him to us. I don’t believe in anything of that sort but I love the way it all worked out.

I wanted to write something for myself to express my pain inside but also to let people know or remind people of the blessings all around, even in horrific situations. There’s always something good. It’s ok to grieve how you must as long as it takes.

I have lost animals my whole life because I have always had them and it’s always sad. But as a teenager and younger I did not feel negative or painful emotions as strongly as when I grew up.

Another sad loss I have experienced two years ago this month is the loss of a human friend, John. I never hung out with him but I saw him frequently and I love/d him as a friend. He died of an illness of the liver. It was shocking and devastating and still is sometimes. It is also one of the worst kinds of pain I ever had to endure.  But I let myself grieve and heal.

I am blessed with happy, loving, & funny memories of him.

He was a friendly, funny, and very loving man. And I am blessed to have known him.

One song that helped me cope with his death is: “Return to Innocence” by Enigma.

“Don’t be afraid to be weak
Don’t be too proud to be strong
Just look into your heart my friend
That will be the return to yourself
The return to innocence
If you want, then start to laugh
If you must, then start to cry
Be yourself don’t hide”

Shortly after he died I felt guilty for still feeling pleasure in things but I know I can’t stop living just because others have died. I am still here and I must go on.

My heart goes out to anyone who is grieving for any reason whether your loss is recent or many, years ago.   I hope you soon find the strength, hope, and consolation you need.

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Sweet Koko. April 1999 – April 2013

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Sweet little Emmy.

Xox0 Kim