Someone, somewhere is looking for exactly what you have to offer…
Today I was overcome with a very deep depression, so deep my body was nearly paralyzed. I felt so trapped and stuck. Nothing I could have done would have lifted it. It wasn’t an ordinary low mood or sadness. It was a heavy sickness that took me over.
I was at work and just couldn’t move. So sluggish and hopeless. But I had to move to tend to customers. I love tending to their needs but it’s extremely difficult and excruciating when I’m deeply depressed. I don’t care if they know I’m depressed but it’s not part of my job to spill my guts to every customer about my depression. And my depression puts me at risk for seeming unfriendly. I am not unfriendly.
So it’s hard trying to be cheerful when I’m just not feelin’ it. What I felt earlier is the kind of heavy, deep, despairing depression that almost nothing can touch. No inspirational quote, no happy uplifting song, no positive thought…nothing can break through that sickness when it’s already at that level. It hit me so hard that I couldn’t even lie to myself and say I’m just sad or that I can snap out of it. I couldn’t feel low about myself and believe I’m just worthless and no good and that’s why I feel that way.
It was too obvious that it’s a real sickness that needs treatment. And needs management.
So I let myself feel it. I just let myself be with it. I felt desperate, hopeless, sick…
It’s misery. It’s torture. Beyond Hell. It feels like my guts are being shredded, like I can start bleeding out my eyes, like I want to crawl up and wither away.
My body felt like every square inch of it weighted one thousand pounds. I literally had to struggle to move. Like every little movement was a strenuous workout.
I wanted to run home and succumb to my bed in solitude and writhe in my despair. And eventually dissipate into the dust…
But I remembered all the years I worked on myself to conquer this sickness, all the strength I mustered and put into action, all the scars and pain and wounds I let turn into lessons. All the lessons that taught me so much wisdom.
I thought of the promises I made to myself and to the uni-verse and to the world. The promise to not let myself sink back to that general darkness I once lived and breathed. The promise to always try to feel some glimmer of hope glistening amidst the blackness and KNOW it exists even when it does not feel like it, the promise to always try to remember how one life can impact so many, many others in beautiful ways, the promise to remember that the world is so big and there is so much more to learn and so many people and living creatures to bless and so many people to meet and so many things to do, my vow to not break no matter how much I am pushed and pulled and shoved. My vow to live….
And I looked for inspirational quotes and lyrics and pictures to share with others and uplift myself. Sharing is healing. Healing for all involved. And I shared them on Facebook and got so much positive feedback. The quotes did help me and sharing them helped others. And their kind comments helped me tremendously.
I realize even more how much I have accomplished. I’m not very successful in terms of jobs or career or money or academics, or…..anything, really. lol. But I have accomplished more than I ever thought I could at one point.
My entire life was consumed by suicidal psychotic depression day in and day out every single day almost, for over sixteen years and still going. But it’s not like it used to be. Now I’m happy more often than not. Because I mustered the strength and the courage to seek help. To ask for professional help and to practice personal development self help techniques every single day.
I am committed to personal development.
I am committed to being the best me, to being all that I can be.
When I sink to this level I am currently at and somehow manage to not become dangerously suicidal and just crumble like before and even help uplift myself some, it really hits me hard how much I have succeeded and accomplished and gained. And that uplifts me even more.
If it wasn’t for all the days of working to better myself, I wouldn’t be handling this depression as well as I am today. Or at all. I would be at my lowest depths by now or worse.
I felt the heaviness lift enough for me to move with more ease.
And a very kind Facebook friend of mine who lives in India shared some beautiful facts with me which helped me even more.
In India every year on the darkest day/night is the holiday Diwalis. It’s the celebration of all the goodness in life. A celebration of Good over evil. A celebration of love, kindness, humanity, hope, caring and sharing. In India, people of all religions come together to celebrate the Beauty that does exist. It does. Beauty and Goodness exist in this life. And it outweighs the bad.
It’s just what I need today. I thanked my Facebook friend for sharing with me but I don’t know if he knows the true impact he has on me by sharing this.
I wish I were in India celebrating with all the lights, candles, people, sweet treats, and gifts. But I’m not. One day. But not today.
But today I am here. And I am celebrating right where I’m at. The goodness and true beauty and love and light in the world and within me. There is darkness within me. There is a heavy sickness weighing on me but there is beauty, love, and light in me that will transcend that darkness. There is hope. Life is hope.
I know there are people suffering today as I am. There are people who need a hug, a loving embrace, a kind word, a smile, a friend.
I am not there with them in person but in spirit I am and I want to provide whatever it is they need.
So if you’re one of them and you’re reading this, know that I am with you.
And check out the links my friend shared with me!
When I was reading inspirational quotes in the midst of my horrifying despair today, I found this quote and as sick as I was, I burst out laughing uncontrollably. It is hilarious.
“I’d tell you to kiss my ass but I’m pretty sure you’d fall in love and then I’d never get rid of you. “. And I am laughing as I’m writing this. Laughing helps so much. ;-D
Here are some Rumi quotes:
Your heart is the size of an ocean. Go find yourself in its hidden depths.
Every day is just perfect for love.
Love risks everything and asks for nothing.
The heart is the secret inside the secret.
Don’t sit and wait. Get out there, feel life. Touch the sun, and immerse in the sea.
Give yourself a kiss. If you want to hold the beautiful one, hold yourself to yourself.
You are not a drop in the ocean. You are the entire ocean in a drop.
Every step I take is a blessing.
Beauty surrounds us.
The wound is the place where the light enters you.