Archive | April 2015

To Heal, We Must Feel <3

image

“I miss the tears, I miss the laughter
I miss the day we met and all that followed after
Sometimes I wish I could always be with you
The way we used to do
Now and forever, I will always think of you
Now and forever, I will always be with you” ~ Carole King (Now and Forever) ❤

I wrote this post last night and then I was too exhausted to post it! Lol WordPress app, while I’m incredibly thankful for it, is not the easiest to deal with. 

Last night I fell asleep with and this morning  woke up with a heavy, heavy heart. As I mentioned on here a couple months ago, my coworker and beautiful friend, Diane, died suddenly and so unexpectedly. She was my coworker and I never hung out with her outside of work but in the nearly ten years I have known her, I really only thought of her as my friend, nothing less.
She’s the one I wrote about in a couple posts before. She has sons similar ages to me and I always loved how she would brag about me as if I were her daughter. 

You know how there are “flare ups” of grief? Grief never goes away or completely heals but for many people, it’s not always how it was when the loss first occurred. The rawness or worst of it takes the backburner, for lack of a better way of saying it, and eventually is generally no longer the main or only thing on the mind even when we think of those we have lost. Other, happier, thoughts and emotions begin to prevail again and the grief and heartache remain but are easier to cope with in general. But sometimes that horrible grief returns and sometimes even feels worse than at first. It appears and reappears as long as we live. 

Ever since I met Diane years ago, this is the longest I have ever gone without seeing her and talking to her. Two months. For no specific reason, the last two days my grief has been flaring up. Grief over a loss is not bad or wrong, it’s what occurs, in some cultures, when we lose something or someone we know or love. I heard that in some cultures they don’t grieve how we do here in US and other cultures. When they lose someone to death, no matter how tragic the incident, they just celebrate that person’s life and feel love and not devastation or pain. They are brought up that way. It’s hard for me to grasp that concept but I find it intriguing. But here, we do grieve hard when we experience a loss. It’s not a choice, it just occurs when we experience a loss. It’s considered healthy, expected, normal. I don’t want my grief to ever leave me, I just wish it were easier to cope with when it’s like this.

I often wish I can take away people’s pain and suffering even if it means I would have to take on that pain and feel it instead. But I never would take away someone’s grief even if I could, even when it’s very devastating. Because, at least in our culture, we’re supposed to experience it in our own way. It shows that we are touched by the person/animal (I’m just as devastated when animals die but I expect them to die sooner since they usually do not live as long as humans and to me seem generally more fragile) who left us. But I would help someone bear the grief if I could or take on a portion of it if the person wanted me to. Anyway, that can’t happen. 

Today as I was on a bus going to my therapy appointment, I was grieving hard but out of the blue, I was struck even harder. My whole body felt so fragile and so breakable and one of the worst, deepest, kinds of pain I ever felt just took me over.
Some aspects felt violent. It was emotional pain but the whole experience felt so physical. And it was very strange. It almost felt unbearable like my tmjd cluster-like headaches, which are the worst pain I ever felt. It throbbed throughout my whole existence feeling like it runs deeper than body and “mind.”

I felt like collapsing onto the floor, screaming her name over and over, and curling up into a fetal position, and writhing in agony like when I have the headaches. 
I felt horror and disbelief, heartache and pain and I kept thinking how does anyone ever possibly handle the loss of a friend, family member, pet, is it even possible to handle something like this…I felt something close to panic. 
Like a trapped or “claustrophobic” feeling. Death is so permanent. The loss felt inconceivable. So bizarre. So incredible (and not in a good way) that someone, someone with experiences and thoughts and emotions, memories, and a breath, a whole life, can be gone in an instant. Just like that. Never ever to be seen or heard again. 

All those experiences, those memories, that whole life just vanishes into thin air.

Just like that.

In an instant. 

All gone.

Forever. 

It did not last long at all, this experience on the bus. And it wasn’t all bad. It was deep and brought me closer to myself.
 I have experienced grief and loss before so it’s not completely new but it’s not something someone ever really gets used to. No matter who dies on us, another death is still so new and difficult. No matter how many we have lost before, the next one can still feel impossible to bear. 

I still can’t believe that Diane is really gone. It feels wrong and unnatural even though I know it’s not. It feels confusing that one moment someone can be standing somewhere not sick at all, nothing at all wrong with the person,  then literally one second later be dead of a heart attack. It is so scary. It doesn’t really make sense to me but I know it does make sense. It’s just part of living. It happens every single day. Heart attacks just come out of nowhere and destroy and end people’s lives. But it hurts desperately.

My worst pain is knowing that Diane can never experience again, not happiness, joy, or love. My worst pain is for her. Not for me. Or even the others who miss her and knew her better than I did. 
Living people can find a sense of healing and happiness again even after tragedies and devastation but the poor victims never get that chance. People say they don’t know they’re dead and don’t know they are missing out on life and lots of good things, and so cannot feel to suffer but that’s exactly my point, they can’t feel anymore and it’s heartbreaking to know that. 
So my worst sorrow is for the dead, not the living. 

Life is hope. 

But I also have another kind of pain, a selfish kind. I miss her and wish I could see her. And I know her family and friends do too. I see things every single day that remind me of her and it’s both comforting and painful. I think of her every single day. Never a day goes by when I don’t think of her. And I always will as long as I live. I knew her well. I suspect that as the days go on it will become more comforting than painful to see/hear things I know she loved or would love. But now the grief and pain is so raw. Raw grief occasionally does come flooding back for many of us whether it’s a year later or twenty years or more. It just comes and goes, appears and reappears. And it’s ok. 

As the saying goes “grief is the price we pay for love.” 

image

(this is the only picture I got of my day yesterday before my phone battery gave out on me – those little flower petals were everywhere, blowing in the wind all around me)

When I was eleven years old I was at a party with my family in a very big house with a very big pool and like a hundred people around outside in the gargantuan backyard. When no one was looking, I slipped and fell into the pool at the 12 ft. Side. And I couldn’t get myself back out right away. This was before I learned to swim. I went into a panic and I felt my chest become “compressed” or something and like it was being crushed and my lungs attempting to gasp for air. It was suffocating. Horrifying. It felt like I was drowning. Luckily there were floaties all throughout the pool. Somehow I pulled myself up onto a kiddie float that was there and onto the wall and got myself out. 

My grief reminds me of this incident because it feels so similar, like my chest is really being crushed and my lungs struggling for breath. Like I’m being held under water. I’m not speaking metaphorically but literally. It couldn’t be anymore physical if I was eleven years old and back in that pool flailing and panicking, grasping for the float to save me. But I know I will pull myself out of the worst of it and carry on. 

image

On some occasions I feel another kind of strange feeling, almost like missing a limb, like my arm was ripped off and should still be here but isn’t and now in its place is a weird tingling or numbness or something. I don’t know if it makes sense but it’s what I feel occasionally with grief. It’s not a feeling in my arm, I don’t know where I feel it, maybe in my head?  my chest? my whole being? I think that’s it. It’s just there. Here. Nowhere in particular. But it reminds me of a body part being traumatically torn off but still feeling like it’s supposed to be here or like part of it still is but mostly not. And in its empty space is a kind of numbness. I guess grief can do strange things to us. 

I’m not spiritual in this way or religious so I do not believe that Diane can touch me or see me or that she’s still alive somewhere or in a “better place” watching over me and all those she loves, but at some moments I want nothing more than to feel her loving arms wrap around me in a comforting embrace. I miss her voice, her love, her laughter, her cursing, her hilarious ways, her stories….she was really funny! She was very loud and cursed a lot in a funny way just in everyday conversations, not trying to be funny. 

She wanted to learn Spanish because one of her grandsons, a toddler, only speaks Spanish and she was trying to teach him English. One day at work she came running over to me yelling “omg! Kim! My grandson just said his first English word! He dropped something and yelled ahh fuck!” lol I burst out laughing! She was horrified. His first English word she unintentionally teaches him is fuck! She was trying to get him out of it fast! 

One day, many years ago, my dad came to my work and as a joke he yelled to me “hey! What are you doing?!” in a mock angry voice, just as Diane was going by in a car and she did not realize that he’s my dad and was joking and thought he was messing with me and she angrily yelled at him “She’s working! What the fuck’s it look like she’s doing?!” lol my dad was pissed! But Diane always looked out for me. Always. 

She did so much for me, tried to help me find a job I wanted, gave me big tips at work, always told me she loves me and how wonderful I am, would bring me food over that she thought I would like as a surprise, invited me to her house with her big family for thanksgiving in case I was going to be alone,
So much….one day for St. Patrick’s Day she made my family cabbage and ham, for me to take home.  ❤

I even miss the things she did sometimes to annoy me! Things I never would have thought I could miss! Lol But now I laugh about it. 😀

A few weeks ago, while on a bus, I looked out the window and saw a lady with her back turned to me who looked exactly like Diane at that angle. I couldn’t believe it, my breath caught. If Diane was alive, I would have been convinced that lady was her. I would have went to work and said “hey I saw you today!!!” 

That’s how much she resembled her at that angle. Diane was very small, short, and thin, with shoulder length, dark black hair, and she sometimes wore a long jacket and that’s exactly like this lady. I couldn’t see her face but I wanted to run off the bus and hug her. I stared and for a few seconds I imagined that Diane was back on this Earth and that I was getting to look at her again once more for a few last seconds. I felt kind of blessed to have this opportunity to feel like I was looking at her. I tried to trick part of my brain into really believing it was her just so I could have a few more seconds with Diane on Earth. I felt so greedy. Like I wanted as many seconds I could have to pretend and believe.  It may seem a bit twisted but I was consumed in grief.  

It felt so bizarre seeing her like that knowing it couldn’t possibly have been her. 

image

And Diane wore hearing aids. And she would often put her hand to her ear to adjust the hearing aid. It was one of those “tics” or very mundane, mindless little things, a “personal habit” or detail no one ever thought anything of but now that she’s gone, that little mundane detail that was so much a part of her, stands out to me. It really makes it harder to believe she can just not be here anymore.  It’s a bit difficult to explain in words. But I keep thinking about it.

Anyway, my body has been longing to listen to songs that aren’t very uplifting. Uplifting songs help me immensely and I am a big advocate for having a playlist of positive, happy, uplifting songs, especially for low moods. But all I been wanting to do is listen to slow songs, sad songs, not ones to get me pumped or uplift me but ones to match my mood. Ones to trigger even more deep feeling in me, even if it’s agonizing feelings. And ones that remind me that pain, loss is part of living and others can understand. But some other part of me wanted to reject, deny, repress, listen to uplifting songs, happy songs, repress that grief and heartbreak. Pretend it’s not there, that it’s not real. Then it won’t have to hurt so much. 

So on that bus today I struggled with what to do. 

Last night I found a blog by a man named Ryan and he sends morning e mails to help us start our day. 

http://www.wakingupwithryan.com/

I had to be up very early today and on the bus I read his e-mail and it was perfect for my situation right then. He actually wrote:

“To heal it, you’ve got to feel it.”

Seriously?! Can those words be any more perfect for someone in my situation?! Imagine the struggle I had while on the bus wanting to repress and deny then out of nowhere seeing an e-mail in my inbox, that came through that very same morning, with that title! I felt as if it was written just for me! Thank You, Ryan! Thank You, thank you! 

He encourages us to let our emotions, feelings, thoughts flow, emerge, just be. Even when it’s painful and our heads want to deny it. How can we heal and come to accept when we repress and deny? It will still be here, buried, suffocating, drowning. It needs air and to be nurtured. 

So I listened to these slow, soft, gentle, sometimes sad songs on the bus. Songs to match my emotions, my heartache. And I admitted that I’m broken over this tragic loss. I never denied her death, only wished it would not be and denied how it affected me. But I allowed Ryan to inspire me. 

It was heartbreaking but just what I needed in that moment. Mostly I am helped and inspired by happy songs but when that’s not the case, it’s ok to listen to those sad, slow songs. 

It helped me heal. 
Then after that I listened to the happy, fast paced song to help balance the situation and my mood. “Coast to Coast” by the Stompers. And it was the perfect balance! 

I encourage you to check out his blog and subscribe if you like that kind of stuff! And to maybe let his words inspire you to feel, accept, and just be. 

http://www.wakingupwithryan.com/

I embrace my grief and I carry Diane in my heart and I will allow her ways to keep inspiring me.  One way we can honor those we love who die, is to incorporate some of their ways into our own lives, if they were loving, we can try to be more loving even if we already are, we can try to make it a point to make it more frequent. If they were very active with certain causes, we can carry that on if we also support the causes, if not we can be inspired to work for a different cause we support. If they helped people often (like Diane did, she would give people her last dollar even if she did not have money, she would borrow money then if someone else needed the money she just borrowed, she would give it!), we can start helping people more. If they were happy and full of joy, let’s try to remember to be happy and full of joy. Wear their favorite color, listen to their favorite song (although this can be too painful for a while), try to keep those we love who are no longer on Earth with us, alive in our hearts, keep their essence going.  

I wish I could be loud and curse a real lot like she did but it’s just not in me. Lol She always told me she hoped I would always be sweet and gentle, pleasant, and quiet, and wonderful no matter what, even when I get another job where I may encounter difficult people and situations.

I will. 

After my therapy appointment, I was in Center City, walking to the bus to go home. I am not depressed today and have been very joyful underneath the pain. I saw one single yellow flower today surrounded by lots of green and it uplifted me then out of nowhere I saw two small, white butterflies tenderly flying around the flower. Also, more pastel pink flowers have been blossoming on the trees, into the bright blue sky, and everywhere has the fragrance of sweet Spring flowers and the sky was bright blue with pretty fluffy clouds. It was warm but cool and breezy also with comforting sunshine. And little flower petals blowing all over, everywhere, in the gentle breeze. I found a pretty pink fragrant flower on the ground and brought it for my mom. It was already dead and crushed in my pocketbook when I gave her it but she still found it beautiful. 

It couldn’t have been a more perfect Spring day and cannot be a more perfect Spring night.

I would have pictures of my beautiful and little  journey out and about but my phone battery was drained! So I just cherished the moment and the day without getting pictures!  Still perfect! 

Something strange happened. I take pictures only slightly less than I breathe. Lol So when I see something beautiful, while I still cherish it and live in the moment, I also automatically have to take a picture. But yesterday it never even occurred to me to take a picture of one of the beautiful pink floral trees and the bright blue sky above it. I just stood and stared in awe. Then I realized and went to take a picture but remembered my phone battery drained. Lol I’m not even sure what the point is of sharing this here but I’m just fascinated and it was part of my day. 

So even though I wasn’t depressed walking to the bus, I held my head slightly lowered and struggled with my heartbreak. I usually never walk with my head down. I love to look up and see people, smile at strangers, make eye contact(I’m so shy and even though I long to smile at people I don’t know, I am sometimes too shy but I’m better and better at this. I often think what if they think it’s weird or don’t care to have strangers look at and smile at them but it’s amazing how many people smile back and actually seem to appreciate my attempt at connecting) but I felt so heavy in grief. A sweet young woman with blond hair, maybe a college girl, was sitting on the corner and said to me hello, have a good day. I looked up and smiled and said thank you. I usually would have been a bit more friendly with a more uplifted tone and said something like “thanks so much, you too..” But I did express my appreciation with my smile and appreciative tone.

 She helped me more than she probably knows. I don’t know why she was sitting on a street corner or anything or why she said that too me. I know she said it to help me. Her words and tone were so sincere. But I don’t know if she was saying it throughout the day to random strangers or just to me because she sensed my griefstricken and heavy heart.

But either way, my broken heart welled with love and gratitude for this beautiful Earth angel who set out to uplift a stranger. It seems like I write about this so much here on the blog about how one simple touch, word, or gesture can do wonders and it really can. I can never say it enough. 

“Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.” ~

Leo Buscaglia

It is so healing to experience and even to remember later. To know someone cares to uplift people.

Now I have another “ordinary angel” to add to my infinite list.

Even though Diane isn’t here anymore, even though she’s dead and I’ll never see her again, I am blessed and thankful to have known her and I have so many beautiful memories of her and our days together. My heart breaks for her sons, her grandchildren, her other family, and friends and all who know her. I know her sons and grandchildren and other family members/friends who lived with her and know her better than I do and knew her outside of the context of work, have to be suffering more than I am. While it’s all of our loss and a loss to the whole world, the loss is truly theirs and most of the sympathy and healing messages/energy should go to them. 

One thing that I find comforting is that the quote “you don’t know what you have ’til it’s gone” While often true, doesn’t apply to us here. I always knew I am blessed to have Diane as my friend, to have her love. And she always told me how wonderful she thought I am.

While there are definitely moments this quote can apply to me about things, I try to live so it won’t usually. I would like to encourage us all to live in such a way that when we lose someone or something whether it’s a person, an animal, a job, or even a gadget like a phone or microwave oven, that this quote doesn’t exist for us. Let’s all know what we have while we still have it.  

Unfortunately I don’t have any pictures of her, she did not like getting her picture taken. But I see her in my mind and remember her voice so vividly. And I know it’s enough. 

My heart goes out to you if you are struggling with grief, whether it’s new raw grief, a raw flare up, or just the same old grief you felt for years. Hugs & love to you. I am reminded to reach out like that girl who reached out to me today. Reach out to a stranger or friend or family member who is struggling or just for no reason. Who wouldn’t love a friendly smile or warm hello even if we aren’t currently sad or struggling in any way?!  Thank You, sweet girl!! 

And I am reminded to be mindful of the beauty all around us even when I’m struggling. There’s always something to smile about and be thankful for even in darkness and pain.

Much love to you ❤

Xoxo Kim

Free Hugz!!! <3 <3

image

“Keep loving…everything you touch, everyone you see, they’ll soon become your family.” ~ Nimo Patel ❤

Hello loves! 

I have big plans for this weekend if everything works out as I hope it does! On Saturday May 2nd and Sunday May 3rd, it’s Global Free Hug Days and I will be participating! Sunday is the one day in all of my days that I hope it doesn’t rain! Can you believe it!? Lol me! Hoping it does not rain! While I would absolutely love to stand and hug in the rain, I know most probably prefer the sun. And many more people will probably be walking through the park in the sun. So I hope there’s some sun that day! And also on May 2nd for the ones participating that day! 

I don’t know that anyone else in Philadelphia is doing this because I signed up to find others in this lovely city who are also hugging so we can go together but no response! Maybe they just have their own groups and don’t care to meet up! 

I found this event on “Positive Focus” on Facebook months ago and been waiting and waiting! While “Positive Focus” is the organization hosting the event, the participants go on their own those days to wherever in the world they want to go and give hugs!    

Here are some of the benefits of hugging!

1.) possibly alleviates existential fears/fear of mortality for people with low self esteem – hugging may help allay our fears of death and dying 
https://www.psychologicalscience.org/index.php/news/releases/touch-may-alleviate-existential-fears-for-people-with-low-self-esteem.html

Even hugging stuffed animals can help!

2.) stimulates oxytocin – promoting feelings of contentment, reduces anxiety and stress, helps cope with pain, helps with social bonding, linked to lower blood pressure and heart rate…

http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=128795325

http://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0301051104001632

http://m.livescience.com/12833-love-hormone-oxytocin-dark-side.html

Just one brief hug releases these chemicals in the body! 

3.) Stimulates dopamine – the “feel good” drug responsible for preventing depression and things like Parkinson’s disease. Procrastination, self doubt, and lack of enthusiasm are all linked to low levels of dopamine. Dopamine is a pleasure hormone which is released in the brain and hugs can trigger it! Listening to music that thrills us can also help our brains to release it! 

http://today.uconn.edu/blog/2012/11/uconn-researcher-dopamine-not-about-pleasure-anymore/

4.) stimulates serotonin – when a person feels important, serotonin flows more. When serotonin is low, depression and loneliness can occur. Hugging helps this drug flow helping us feel less sadness and loneliness and helping us prolong life and has other positive benefits. 

http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/232248.php

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2612120/

And many more benefits of hugging! 

image

(me! :-D)

 I hope you will come and join me for Global Free Hugs Day if you are here in the beautiful Philadelphia!!  I will be at Rittenhouse Square on Sunday afternoon, May 3rd with free hugs & love for everyone and anyone!! We’re spreading a message of universal love & kindness for everyone all around the globe! And the message that every life matters.

Whenever we reach out to hug, to help, to heal, to comfort, to inspire, to uplift…we reach out in love. ❤

Check it out! 

http://www.positive-focus.com/ 

We will take pictures those days and send them to Positive Focus for their video. You can register here: 
http://www.positive-focus.com/about-gfh/gfh/

Or you can choose not to register and just go hug anyway!  

Heres the fb page for positive focus:

https://m.facebook.com/positivefocusnfp?_rdr

I’m using my phone so that’s the mobile website. Hopefully you will find the desktop one if you’re using a computer!

E mail them your pics at: hugs@positive-focus.com 

You can go alone and hug, with one or two people, or gather a large group and go together. I think i’ll be going alone except my mom will be joining me to take the pics. And maybe my sister.  I won’t be there real long as I have work that day. I have been waiting for months for this day! And I have so many fun ideas for the signs I’m making! I’m going all out! Lol  I’ll probably be there around 12:30pm.

No matter who you are, where you are, where you have been, where you’re going, what your views on anything are, skin color, ethnicity, experiences, sexual orientation, homeless or not, if I know you or never talked to or laid eyes on you, if I knew you at one point, if we had a falling out or ended on not good terms, still come and let’s hug! I’m here to provide hugs & love to everyone no matter what and show that every life matters.

No matter what problems or pain or dreams or goals or views or experiences we have, we are all in this together!

If you’re in Philadelphia, Pa that afternoon, come and hug me!! If not then I’ll be sending you virtual hugs! ❤

Much love to you always! And lots of big bear hugs! ❤

And don’t forget on Sunday afternoon I will he providing hugs! So come and get your love!

“You may say 
I’m a dreamer, but I’m not the only one
I hope some day you’ll join us
And the world will live as one”
~John Lennon ❤

 
😀

Xoxo Kim

P.s. Don’t forget to remember your life DOES matter no matter what you have done, who you are, what your opinions are, what disability or religion or mental or physical health condition you have, whether you have a family and friends or none, whatever your age or job is, no matter how much money you have, where you live, if you’re homeless and live outside under a bridge or in a park or live in a mansion, even if you feel hopeless or worthless and depressed or anxious often….your life and everything you do has an effect on the world around you. this is true for all of us. And we can get better and better.
Life is hope.  ❤

Random Inspiration #18 {Dark Beauty} <3

image

Here are some of my pictures and some beautifully dark quotes/lyrics to go along with them! 😀

“Only one who dares to enter the Dark, can see the beauty of Darkness.” ~ Veera Karthik Gonagundla

image

“Judgment of beauty can err, what with the wine and the dark.” ~ Ovid

image

“Normal people have no idea how beautiful the darkness is.” 

image

“Find beauty not only in the thing itself but in the pattern of the shadows, the light and dark, which that thing provides.” ~ Junichiro Tanizaki

image

“In Sleep we lie all naked and alone, in Sleep we are united at the heart of night and darkness, and we are strange and beautiful asleep; for we are dying the darkness and we know no death.” ~Thomas Wolfe

Imagine meeting someone who understands even the dustiest corners of your mixed-up soul.”

image

“I will follow you into the dark.”

image

“THE WAY A CROW 
SHOOK DOWN ON ME 
THE DUST OF SNOW FROM A HEMLOCK TREE

HAS GIVEN MY HEART A CHANGE OF MOOD AND SAVED SOME PART OF A DAY I HAD RUED.” ~ ROBERT FROST (DUST OF SNOW)

image

“Beauty always comes with dark thoughts.” ~ Nightwish

image

“Every storm runs, runs out of rain
Just like every dark night turns into day
Every heartache will fade away
Just like every storm runs, runs out of rain
So hold your head up and tell yourself that there’s something more
And walk out that door,
Go find a new rose, don’t be afraid of the thorns
‘Cause we all have thorns” ~ Gary Allan (Every Storm (Runs Out of Rain))

image

“But the struggles make you stronger
And the changes make you wise
And happiness has its own way of takin it’s sweet time
No, life aint always beautiful
But I know i’ll be fine
Hey, life aint always beautiful
But it’s a beautiful ride
What a beautiful ride” ~ Gary Allan (Life Ain’t Always Beautiful) 

image

“I can’t drown my demons. They know how to swim.” 

image

“He saw the darkness in her beauty. She saw the beauty in his darkness.” 

image

“She walks in beauty, like the night of Cloudness climes and starry skies, And all that’s best of dark and bright meet in her aspect and her eyes…” ~ Lord Byron

image

“We are all searching for someone whose demons play well with ours.” 

“I will leave such an imprint on your heart that anyone you encounter after me will have to know me to be able to understand you.”

image

“Do not fall in love with people like me.
I will take you to museums, and parks, and monuments, and kiss you in every beautiful place, so that you can never go back to them without tasting me like blood in your mouth.
I will destroy you in the most beautiful way possible. And when I leave you will finally understand, why storms are named after people.” ~ 
Caitlyn Siehl

😀

I hope you’re having a lovely day! ❤

Xoxo Kim

Befriending our emotions

image

“Life isn’t about learning how to weather the storm. It’s about learning how to dance in the rain.”~Vivian Greene

I read a novel, which I posted about last week, called “First Do No Evil” by Dr. Carey Baldwin, medical doctor and author, wife, mother, and with quite a few advanced degrees! She writes mystery books. The books are part of a series but can also be read individually. They’re mostly about doctors, usually a thirty something year old woman with a painful past who is now in some sort of trouble, like being stalked or the target of murder/homicide attempt, who meets a man who tries to help her and they begin to fall in love. The books are full of mystery, adventure, and romance. The characters are of substance and the stories are fascinating, page turners. Dr. Baldwin, the author of this book, former clinical psychologist, and now a family medical doctor, is a hopeless romantic and a genius! So her novels include romance along with the thrilling mystery and adventure.  Her books are intended for adults, not appropriate for teenages, as they contain explicit sexual scenes and adult language/content, and physical violence, even murder. Some romance novels are hallow, with no depth, not much of a plot, but these ones are not like that. They are full of beauty and amazing life lessons. 

image

Here is one such lesson: 

“Above the clunking of snow chains, at last, Danny heard his phone. Grabbing it, he checked the display. It was the captain. His breathing grew ragged, and the hairs on the back of his neck lifted. Fear can do funny things to a man. It can paralyze his diaphragm and vocal cords so he can hardly breathe, so he can’t even manage to scream for help; or it can pump his muscles so full of adrenaline he can fend off an army of aliens. Fear can be a man’s worst enemy, or his best friend. Danny knew he had a choice. 
He chose friend.” 

This is a fantastic reminder of how seemingly negative or unpleasant emotions can serve a purpose if we allow them to. 

Guilt – can trigger us to make things right – it can inspire us to say sorry if we wronged someone, tell the truth, and avoid doing things to hurt others and be more mindful of our actions.

Anger – can fuel us or break us. When we get super angry about a certain issue or at a certain person, anger can trigger us to reach out to do something. Reach out not in a destructive way but in a productive way to help or to try to make things better. If we are angry about a political cause, for example, we can reach out in compassion and love to help, not give into the fury and react in a hostile way. Love and compassion can inspire us to act and so can anger and fury when we use it in a constructive way. 

Sadness – When we are sad, we can reach out to help or uplift others in similar situations. Our own sadness can deepen our empathy.  

Grief and loss– grief can help us in a similar way and can inspire us to build our lives into something better, we can become like new, use our grief to push us forward and rebuild ourselves while also reaching out in love and empathy to console others. 

Disappointment/sense of failure/frustration – teach us lessons and motivate us to work even harder. We can acquire/develop more skills along the way and use our experiences to help others. 

Pain of any kind can be our catalyst for positive change in general and can deepen our wisdom and strength and empathy. Pain can bring us to ruin and then we can take that ruin and become even better. Sometimes after experiencing severe pain of any sort, we can change our lives to be better in general than even before that pain. 

image

Jealousy – When we feel jealous that someone has something we don’t, that jealousy can inspire us to work harder for what we want or to work on ourselves to accept how we are instead of wanting what we cannot have. It can also provoke us to look within and see what is going on, to see what we feel is lacking or why we feel that way. Then we can become even better/stronger than before. 

Fear/panic – fear can pump us to act or trigger us to collapse and we can choose which to allow.

Unpleasant seeming emotions can inspire and motivate us to create, to build, to reach out, to survive. 

Depression, anxiety, chronic pain, illness…anything that seems negative or unpleasant can be our friend, our teacher, our motivation. 

image

Think about your unpleasant emotions. How have they helped you? How can they help you now and in the future? How can you use them to your advantage instead of letting them drag you down?  What can they teach you? Tapping into the wisdom of each experience and emotion is a skill that we can develop to be better. 

image

~Let pain make you better, not bitter.~

I’m wishing you much love and light today and always. I hope you are having a beautiful day or night wherever you are! ❤

Xoxo Kim 😀

May my soul bloom in love <3

image

Ever since Winter melted into Spring I have been looking to the trees to see the life blossoming around but each day the bare branches have remained. I find bare trees to be beautiful as well as blooming trees with green leaves and pretty colored flowers. 

But I have been anticipating the pretty pink & white flowers I see every year in Spring! Yesterday, I was so pleased to finally see pastel pink flowers on a few trees and some with dark pink ones! They seem to have just appeared out of nowhere, right before my very eyes! How sweet! 

In honor of the life blossoming around me, I am sharing some beautiful quotes about the life blooming all around and within and mindfully acknowledging the beauty of being alive. 

“The cherry blossom tree is truly a sight to behold, especially when it is in full riotous bloom. There are several varieties of the cherry blossom tree, and while most of them produce flowering branches full of small pinkish-hued flowers, some of them produce actual cherries.” ~
Homaro Cantu

image

“Why should I be unhappy? Every parcel of my being is in full bloom.” ~
Rumi

image

“How does the Meadow flower its bloom unfold? Because the lovely little flower is free down to its root, and in that freedom bold.” ~
William Wordsworth

image

 “Let a hundred flowers bloom, let a hundred schools of thought contend.” ~
Mao Zedong

image

(me happy at work!)

“I hope you will go out and let stories happen to you, and that you will work them, water them with your blood and tears and you laughter till they bloom, till you yourself burst into bloom.” ~
Clarissa Pinkola Estes

image

(I recently had a black bean burrito at some truck and these are the sauces! I tried the “death” sauce and can see why it’s called that! Just one small drop on my tongue and it made my eyes instantly water! 😀 delicious though! I also tried the sweet & spicy kind! Yum!)

image

(it’s me again! Lol)

“Works of art often last forever, or nearly so. But exhibitions themselves, especially gallery exhibitions, are like flowers; they bloom and then they die, then exist only as memories, or pressed in magazines and books.” ~
Jerry Saltz

image

(I must be feeling especially vain today! Lol nahh it’s just that all my pretty pics of things I take photos of everyday are in a different part of my phone and my phone is so full it needs more space to work correctly for me to get them moved to the section for blog photos)

“May my soul bloom in love for all existence.” ~
Rudolf Steiner

image

“Let a hundred flowers bloom.” ~
Mao Zedong

image

My baby, Quinny and me! She’s an eight month old puppy! I was angry because she jumped up and ripped my necklace off and it broke but I couldn’t stay mad for long! Lol she loves to snuggle and give me kissies! ❤

image

Us again!

“In the end, it’s not the years in your life that count. It’s the life in your years.” This quote is attributed to our (U.S.) president, Abe Lincoln! One of the best!

“Keep smiling, because life is a beautiful thing and there’s so much to smile about.” ~ Marilyn Monroe

Yes girl! I completely agree!

I’m wishing you lots of love! ❤

😀

Xoxo Kim ❤

My girl’s birthday! <3

image

“When I saw you I fell in love and you smiled because you knew.”  ❤

Today is my furry soulmate’s birthday! Her name is Isis Summerjo. Her name was already Isis when we adopted her and we kept it and gave her her middle name Summerjo partially because we adopted her in the Summer! The other part is after my sister’s and my name. Isis is my beautiful goddess so her beautiful name fits perfectly!  She’s eight years old! My mom, sister, and me adopted her at the PSPCA, six years ago when she was two years old and I can never ask for a better friend than my furlady! My furever friend! ❤

Someone who could not keep her or did not want her anymore brought her to the pspca and then she was adopted by new people and shortly after that she was brought back again because the people decided they did not have enough time for her. Thankfully they cared to return her and not just neglect her or toss her. Now she has her loving furever home with my family. 

I remember the day we met, there were so many, many dogs who needed loving furever homes and I wished I could rescue them all but we could only have one. When I saw her I just knew she’s the one and my sister agreed, my mom was letting us choose. She happily jumped up in her crate to greet me when I put my hands over. She did not have much longer to be there because she was brought back again and not adopted for a while. In the spca, when animals aren’t adopted quickly enough, unfortunately they are destroyed. 
I’m so thankful we were able to save her life. 

image

She’s a big pitbull (American Pitbull Terrier), very muscular and strong and the biggest pitbull I ever saw and she’s the most gentle girl, she loves hugs and lots of attention. She’s the most gentle dog I ever knew, when another dog snaps at her or a cat tries to scratch at her, she turns her head instead of coming back at them when she can easily tear to shreds any human or any animal, no matter, the size, if she wanted to. But she’s nothing but love. She’s afraid of balloons and talking objects and small animals, she doesn’t snap at them, she just runs away! Lol

She’s the biggest baby! 

image

Isis Summerjo sleeps in bed with me almost every night, along with a few of my other babies. She knows to sit and give her paw when she’s asked and when she wants our food she gives her paw without being asked! Lol It’s the cutest thing! ❤

image

She loves animals and people and going for walks! She’s eight years old and she’s like a big puppy, extremely playful, and runs around with her toys. She loves our five other dogs and sometimes she even shares her toys with them! She also loves her back brushed and her blankies and doggy beds!  She’s the cutest thing ever. I love my girl!! ❤

image

Every year we celebrate her birthday and the anniversary we adopted her. She gets cake, treats, toys, balls, and we sing to her! She loves it and her eyes light up and she jumps up and down. She thinks every birthday & anniversary celebration is hers! She gets so happy! So when it’s someone else’s celebration, we always buy her a toy for her to be happy since she thinks it’s her special day! I never met another dog who gets so happy over birthday/anniversary celebrations and thinks they’re all for her/him! My girl loves cold/cool weather and is especially wild and energetic in Fall & Winter. She loves snow! 

One year on Isis’ birthday I was supposed to have work all day and I knew she wouldn’t like me getting out of bed and leaving her and luckily my kidney decided to get a stone and I was too sick to even think of getting out of bed. I was in so much pain and so sickly but at least I got to spend the entire day in bed with my girl! She was so happy! Lol

It’s a pleasant memory even with the immense pain and sickness! 

Luckily today is kind of cool for her special day! And I have off work today! My girl is the sweetest thing! 

She’s the most beautiful girl in the world! 

image

I’m so thankful the pspca had her real birthday on record and that the people who had her first knew her birth date and were able to get it on record. I’m so thankful for my fur baby!! I couldn’t love her more if she was a human friend or family member.

image

(this isn’t my pic, I found it on Google)

😀

I hope your day is full of love and joy! ❤ 

Xoxo Kim ❤