Oh, Soul

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“Oh soul,
you worry too much.
You have seen your own strength.
You have seen your own beauty.
You have seen your golden wings.
Of anything less,
why do you worry?
You are in truth
the soul, of the soul, of the soul.”
~Rumi ❤

I have been struggling with a severe episode of depression. The darkness has descended on me again and has felt unbearable. It started a few weeks ago but is worse now. I have recurrent episodes. This one started out gradually getting worse now seems like it may be ending. The most severe ones I have usually begin & end slowly with the worst of it in the middle. This is one of the worst ones. It's one of the ones where I can hardly feel any sense of pleasure in anything. Everything is dull, worn out. Music has no sound. Food has no flavor. My memory is just about non existent (except for all the bad things that ever happened to me…in this way it's perfect!) I can still find things amusing but not to the depth I usually do. It's hard to explain but with severe depression it's like everything is covered in plastic like that kind that food gets wrapped in and sometimes we can smell the food through the wrapper but it's dull because the plastic blocks out most of the scent. Or like a common cold when we lose most of our sense of taste but maybe catch a hint of it.
This is what severe depression is often like for me.
Even with it, I can often still laugh, even belly laughs sometimes. But there's something "dull" about it and it's not the same full laughs usually as I have when I'm not depressed. 
Even with severe depression, I can sometimes truly laugh and smile. Just because we're depressed or kill ourselves or try, doesn't mean all our smiles & laughing is/was fake or to cover up the pain. We are still us. Depression can't take away all that I am even when it seems to.

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I learned how to handle them better than I used to and I'm not constantly depressed anymore but it's very bad now. Some moments are ok then other moments I'm sure I'm going to kill myself and have a plan and all. I'm afraid to try it in case it doesn't work and triggers my physical pain disorder to flare up. That's all I need, right?! I don't want to do a half-assed job and mess things up even worse. But I keep holding on waiting for it to get better, waiting for it to end, either my life or the depression. Some moments I don't want it to get better, I just want it all to end, good, bad, everything. And I keep doing things to help myself like positive things and interesting things to distract my mind. It helps a little bit but it's hard to find the desire or motivation to do anything. But I force myself. My whole body feels heavy like something crushing me and my head feels so heavy. This episode is not triggered by anything specifically. It's not triggered by the holidays or anything. I love the holidays! And they cheer me up a little bit. It's just a deep, deep despair about nothing and everything.  A wretched kind of agony some occasions and almost numb other occasions. Nothing in my external environment has changed but inside my head is Hell. I can't wait for it to end. 

But today is much, much better than yesterday! So much better! I listened to some uplifting songs that helped a lot. Depression is biochemical as well as psychological and with practice and positive habits, we can learn to help ourselves and cope well. Not all depressed people can just listen to a happy song and be cheered up and I can't always do that. And not all depressed people can just think positively and be better but with practice, it's possible we can learn to handle it better with positive techniques like happy playlists and meditation.
I think gratitude and meditation can affect brain chemistry. It's not just things we put into our body that affect its chemistry but things we think and do. 

This quote I find so beautiful and reminds me that if we once felt something, we can feel it again no matter how long it has been or how deep our sorrow or despair is now. My cover photo on Facebook says "Life is beautiful" and I have a bracelet that says it as well. Whenever I'm in despair and see my bracelet or cover photo I am reminded that I once felt that life is beautiful and can feel that way again. 

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“Oh soul,
you worry too much.
You have seen your own strength.
You have seen your own beauty.
You have seen your golden wings.
Of anything less,
why do you worry?
You are in truth
the soul, of the soul, of the soul.”
~Rumi ❤

I have seen & felt my own strength, my own beauty, my golden wings so I know they are here with me and I will see them again. Even if now all I see is ugliness and weakness and all I feel are broken wings, I know some sort of strength dwells beneath the weakness and through my ugliness are glimpses of deep beauty within, and even with broken wings I will learn to fly again. 

This quote has managed to inspire me in some deep way even in the midst of this seemingly impenetrable depression. 

I want to share it here, not only because it helps me to write and share but more because it has the potential to touch someone else who may see it some day, now or later. 

Also I want to share two songs I find so uplifting. They really impact my mood for the better. 

Eye of the Tiger – Survivor- mobile

Eye of the Tiger – desktop

This song will get you pumped! If not the message, definitely the music! But I feel that it’s the perfect music for the perfect message. Some years ago, my friend at work died and I was inconsolable. This is one of the songs that helped me cope with my devastating loss. And it helps me with my devastating episodes of depression and headaches. I hope it inspires you too! 😀

Living Colour – Glamour Boys – mobile

Living Colour – Glamour Boys – desktop

This song, I shared on Facebook recently. It’s a mixture of funny, uplifting, & inspiring. The music is upbeat and also the lyrics and video are funny. There is some wisdom to the way those glamour boys live! Not thinking about tomorrow, always laughing, always dancing….lol! They sure know how to have fun! ;-D

Depression really sucks but I feel I may be winning this battle.

So, I hope you are having a beautiful day or night wherever you are and hope you’re not struggling like me but if you are, whether it’s depression, something not so severe or something even worse, remember your beauty, your strength, your golden wings…..and hold on, keep going! 

Much love,

Xoxo Kim 

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4 thoughts on “Oh, Soul

  1. Kim, I hope you are feeling better. I had no idea you were suffering through this. I don’t know if you realize how important and beautiful you are. Your presence makes the world a better place. Your absence would be devastating to so many people, myself included. I believe we all share a deep connection in this world and I hope you abandon any plans you might have developed for committing suicide. As you said in other posts, there have been tough times in the past but you have always overcome them. There was always the sun after the dark clouds. There was always a child laughing and music playing, even if they were silent for a time. You always see the beauty in everything and everyone, even when you are in pain. If I could, I would take half or even all your pain and let you live with joy. I hope you never feel alone. There are people who love you who you’ve never even met. Please live! Live to be a beautiful, wise older lady and spread your boundless love to others. I know sometimes happiness seems fleeting and pain seems interminable. When we are in pain, that’s all we can think about. When we are well, we can’t readily remember pain. It’s all part of life. Please always take care of yourself and never succumb to despair. One day you will look back and be so glad you have lived to see so much and experience so many things. I believe in you and I know so many others do too. You will win this battle because you understand that we all have a weak side and a strong side. Be strong. Be a fighter. You have many songs to listen to, many days of laughter and inspiration ahead of you.

    • Thank you very much, Rick! I appreciate your thoughtful comment! I am good at handling my depression and even in the throes of an episode, I can still have good moments and even find joy occasionally. Through the years I learned to often detect the different kinds of episodes I have and when they are beginning and when they are ending. This episode was harder to detect in the beginning. I wasn’t even aware at first that I was getting depressed but now I can tell it’s ending. It only lasted a couple weeks; sometimes they last a few months. So it’s good it’s not one of the longer ones. I’m so happy I have become skilled at detecting and handling them.
      I agree that we are all connected and I often feel it but when I have severe depression, it can be hard to feel it even when I believe it. One of the main reasons I stay alive when I’m depressed and suicidal is so I can keep loving everyone & everything I can. Depression doesn’t take my love away.
      Thanks so much for your thoughts & friendship! I am so honored! I always appreciate it! Thank you for reading! <3. 😀

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