Archive | March 2016



“May their negative actions ripen upon me
And may all my virtues ripen upon them.”

A great (Buddhist) reminder to see the negative, bitter, unpleasant…actions of others and situations as an opportunity to learn, grow, strengthen our own wisdom and virtues, develop deeper compassion and patience. 

And to always react positively, compassionately, lovingly, patiently…and hope that it inspires others. 

Even if we don’t always act or react in a positive way, any occasion that we do is great. 

Any situation that is unpleasant can teach and remind us. Every moment we act in love even if it’s just holding our tongues instead of lashing out, is planting seeds so in the future we will be more patient and loving.

And we never know who we are inspiring with our love!

Instead of letting unpleasant circumstances drag us down, allow them to inspire us, teach us, remind us, help us build and strengthen our virtues while inspiring others. ❤

I hope you are having a beautiful day or night wherever in the world you are! It's a beautiful, cool, Spring night here in Philadelphia – USA! 😀

Much love & light to you, always,

xoxo Kim

Make Others Happy by Smiling

I love this!! It’s so true, our energy, expressions, gestures, actions, words…have an impact on others even if we don’t always realize it. That’s the main reason I want to be positive as much as possible. There’s always something to smile about! 😀 ❤ 😀

Silver Lining


Nothing is more fulfilling than making others happy. So, smile as much as you can.

This phrase is basically a no-brainer. However, many people usually forget the effect that they can have on others. Just like how others smile if you smile, they also frown if you frown. If you’re feeling crappy, others around you will start feeling crappy as well.

I have a friend who is always so happy and upbeat, that whenever I hang out with her I find myself feeling great as well, even though I was feeling bad just a second ago. But since I’m her close friend, I know that sometimes she does feel sad or uneasy inside. We’re all humans- it’s impossible for anyone to be so happy all the time. But I love that she tries to be happy no matter what her situation so as not to affect others. This is something…

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Magazine Inspiration <3


So it seems I found me a new hobby!


And it wasn’t exactly intentional.

And I’m going to share it here for all to join me!

I love magazines. I always have. Fashion magazines like ones full of hair and makeup, beautiful women, sexy men, and pretty things I will never have enough money to buy.

I used to spend an embarrassing amount of money on them when I was young and had more money. I blew over 60 dollars on magazines before! All in one night!  Seriously, I grabbed every magazine off the shelves. You read that correctly. Over SIXTY dollars. On fashion magazines. In one night. 

They used to be my very favorite things to buy  along with makeup.

Through the years I kind of lost my passionate interest in magazines because I came to find all kinds of stuff on the net where I can look at hair, makeup, gorgeous girls, sexy men, and lots of pretty things I’ll never have the money to buy.

But recently my love for those kinds of magazines has been rekindled. It’s ok, my sister gets free samples on the Internet and sometimes the library has them for free and sometimes my grandmom  gives us her old magazines so I won’t be splurging and blowing 60 dollars, I promise.  And the mags just have stuff I don’t find on the net. And flipping through magazines brings a different thrill than scrolling on a screen. 

Recently I found a magazine in our stacks of magazines with the girl, Amanda Seyfried, on the cover and I couldn’t resist. The girl is a true beauty, in & out. How can anyone resist her?

I skimmed trough the magazine to find her and instantly that joy I always felt as a girl & young woman, indulging in trashy magazines came flooding back to me.

My eyes devoured all the images and beauty across the pages. {my guilty pleasure}

And I remembered and felt what I felt all those years ago. 

I can’t help it. It sucked me in to the point of no return. So yeah. {thank you, Amanda for being so beautiful. 😉 } 

But something else caught my eyes.

There are so many inspiring words, sayings, and other things across the pages. Not just a bunch of pretty faces and bangin’ bodies and insanely expensive material things. Seriously, the prices of some of these things! It’s obscene! 
But a girl can look & dream! 

Much of the inspiring sayings are shallow in the context in which they are intended here. But they can have a deeper meaning and apply to life in general, not just the material world of commercialism & consumerism.

I took pics of the most inspiring things I encountered and decided to share them here.

Now my guilty pleasure doesn’t have to be so guilty! Lol ;-D

I vow to frequently look for deeper inspiration in all the shallowness & materialism & darkness.

Here goes it! 


Yes, let’s remember to not negatively judge others. Let’s get to know people first, give them a chance, the benefit of a doubt, assume the best until we get to know them and accept them even if we don’t like things about them. We can be judged too. No one is perfect in everyone’s eyes!
The only thing we really know for sure, basically, when we see a babe with tattoos is that the girl wanted a tattoo so she got one or many. And good for her! 😀


I love this! Not only is it a great reminder to be mindful and accept our circumstances. We are here (wherever here is: stuck in traffic, hectic day at work, in a painful phase of life, getting a full body massage, having tea with friends, basking in the daylight…)whether we like it or not, let’s make the most of it. But I find it so comforting for another reason. It’s a reminder to cherish this life. I’m here. So simply put. That’s all that truly matters. I’m here. In this life. Even if I’m not doing good, not very successful or anything, it’s ok. I’m here.


Everywhere we go. ❤ Scatter gems of love throughout each day.


If this isn't inspiring, well then, what is? 


I read a novel many years ago called "She's Come Undone," which I think may have been somewhat popular. I thought it meant something bad. And it is about a suicidal girl with depression. I thought she just lost it, crumbled, fell apart. Lol 

But I realized after reading it that "coming undone" in her case means all the pain and bad things falling apart, crumbling to ruin, to give way to healing and love and beauty. So in a way, she did fall apart and crumbled but only the depressed, victim part of her. The true beautiful her now has space to breathe, grow, and just be.

We can come undone to build ourselves up even better, stronger, wiser.

I don't remember much of the novel. It was ages ago but if I remember correctly (I don't know if I do…)there are some distressing scenes in the book including a rape scene and a suicide attempt. So if you check it out and you yourself have experienced any sort of trauma, I hope you'll be cautious because that can be a trigger for serious distress. ❤ ❤


"No matter how long we have been traveling down the wrong road, it's never too late to turn around and begin again as long as we're alive."


"Wherever you go, go with all your heart." ❤


Red is sexy. ❤


But it doesn't have to be. It's really very simple, we just insist on making in complicated. Let go, stop cherishing our own needs & desires above the ones of others, let's stop demanding things to be certain ways, accept life as it is, good, bad, ugly & beautiful, help it when we can, let go when we can't, breathe. Bask in the simple joys all around us. And just go with the flow. See?! It's simple! 



Sharing is caring. Sharing our stories, experiences, our stuff, our love, our time & company…<3


❤ ❤

This goal of finding beauty in the midst of something not so beautiful (these magazines are often shallow, seem to promote unhealthy lifestyles in some ways, are incredibly materialistic sometimes, often portray women in degrading ways…) can apply to all of life. We can find/create love & beauty in places there seems to be very little of it. We can choose to embrace the positive, no matter how few, things of situations, people, objects….instead of rejecting them because of the not so positive traits they also possess, instead of dwelling on or focusing more on the unpleasant. 

There are little gems of inspiration everywhere we look. 

All we have to do is be perceptive, remain open, and welcome things even if we wouldn't usually be open or welcoming to those things. 

I plan on sharing more magazine inspiration in the near future, maybe each week!  

Much love & light to you now & always!

Xoxo Kim 

For them. <3


(this is not my photo)

I wrote this a month ago but never posted it yet. It has been saved in my drafts for a while. So here it is!

Caution: This may be a trigger for some. It’s about my suicidal urges. I hope you click it off and not read if you have even the slightest concern that details about my suicidal inclination may trigger serious distress. Or you can just scroll through and look at the inspiring photos instead! 😀

One night and early in the morning recently I experienced violent suicidal urges. I haven’t been extremely depressed. Like I said, it can just appear out of nowhere and then leave out of nowhere. This was triggered by something in my external environment. It’s usually not triggered by anything like that but it can be. Usually problems I have don’t trigger it but recently a problem I encountered did trigger it.

Sometimes when this happens and whatever my problem is goes away, it’s too late and I’m already pulled in. The problem going away won’t always pull me out of the depression or suicidal urges/thoughts. The damage is done.

The problem I encountered ended kind of quickly and everything was peaceful and calm again and it was over. But my suicidal urges lingered on all through the night and into the morning and even later in the day. I still have them once in a while.

It’s not really important what the problem is/was. I mentioned here before how I am extremely playful and love to joke and clown around. My sister doesn’t like it. My playful personality often clashes with her more serious one. My jokes are never insulting or degrading or mocking. They never have been and they never will be. I am not that way. Sometimes when my sister leaves a room or my mom does, I just joke around and say “don’t be too long.” Or “hurry back” or something dumb like that. Sometimes if someone asks me to get something, I bring something else as a joke. Like my mom asked me for an envelope when we were in a post office one day and I brought a very large envelope over just to be funny. She wasn’t amused. She said no one likes a clown.
But I’m amused still. Lol
One day years ago my mom wanted a tuna sandwich and I convinced my sister to let me bring her back the two feet long one. It was hilarious! Still is! At least to me!

My mom thinks it’s annoying and my sister finds it beyond annoying when I joke usually.

My mom is easily amused but not as much as I am but she doesn’t like when people can never be serious. It’s not that I’m never serious; I just have a very playful nature and I wouldn’t have it any other way!

My sister doesn’t handle things well at all so something I see as an innocent joke to be funny, she sees as an attack on her.

One night she was leaving the room and I said “don’t be long!” and laughed and she got revenge on me by taking my clothes and hiding them and taking a bottle of soda and pouring it all over my bed. I had to sleep in wet sticky stuff I couldn’t get up because it was late at night.
Occasionally the memory still provokes those horrible urges.

My mom and dad mostly took her side and made me out to be a monster. This doesn’t happen often or anything.
They said my joking has been going on too long. They did not agree with how she handled it but I was still the “worse one” for acting dumb.

Also, I love to compliment people. Sometimes I’m too shy but I’m much better with it. I love to compliment the girls at work when I love their clothes, makeup, or hair or anything. I’m not shy around my sister so I’m frequently complimenting her on her style and hair and stuff. But she thinks or claims to think I’m mocking her or just joking when I do. And I’m really not. Again, I’m not like that. So she told me recently never to compliment her again and even if I’m not mocking her, she couldn’t care less about my opinion of her, good or bad. It’s ok if she doesn’t appreciate my compliments and doesn’t care what I think. It’s unfortunate but I’m not crushed. Not everyone will love and appreciate us or warmly receive our good intentions and that really is ok!

But I never want someone to think I’m making a mockery of someone or joking like that! I never would!

I’m not sensitive like my sister. I can handle stuff like people talking negatively about me (when I’m depressed though, it can add to it) but I don’t like it and would never do that to someone.

My sister doesn’t mind me writing about it. I’m not writing as an insult to anyone to make anyone look bad. My sister writes about our arguments and stuff on Facebook. I don’t like people taking problems with family and friends to social media trying to make them look bad (even when it has nothing to do with me). It’s inappropriate. But I think it’s ok to express our problems certain ways, unbiased ways like I’m doing. It’s good to write about/share our problems and life lessons learned. Generally, I don’t write things that involve others but occasionally I do but not in a negative way.

I know I’m not completely innocent because even though I don’t intend to infuriate people, I know my jokes annoy them. I just don’t think they’re that bad because they are not abusive or insulting, just dumb and immature. It’s just how I am.

I’m thankful to be the way I am. I won’t change me ever but I can just not say joking things to those who can’t take a joke. There will always be those who love the playful me and those who do not. I don’t have to put too much into those who don’t.


This is me a few nights ago. I felt a sudden burst of inspiration to get dolled up, put on a pair of five inch heels and take pics of myself. ❤

This isn’t about slandering anyone, it’s about my experience and my decision to hold on when it seems so much easier to give up and kill myself. Instead of just hinting at something or saying I recently experienced a problem, I will say what it is.

I haven’t been this suicidal in quite a while. Not this bad.

It’s not just suicidal thinking; it’s very impulsive, violent urges all throughout me and images in my head that are extremely hard to resist. Sometimes it’s just thoughts but on more seldom occasions, it’s this. And sometimes I don’t know how much longer I can hold on when it’s like this. They get harder and harder to resist.
I know it’s a choice to act on them or not and I don’t have to but it’s so hard when it’s like that.
And sometimes I want to act on them and terminate myself.
I would never kill someone else, I’m not that much of a monster, but this is only me.

I have terrible urges to throw myself in speeding traffic when I’m out walking sometimes, just out of nowhere, but I never would because that would involve others.
I have other urges too sometimes, like recently when I was alone at night, that won’t directly involve others. I won’t ever hurt anyone else or take anyone else out with me when I go or involve anyone in my nonsense. No matter how low I sink, I always know never to hurt or even involve anyone else directly, no living sentient beings, no humans, no animals, no insects. I used to go to the subway sometimes when I was in college and plan on ending it or just seeing if I was able to get up the nerve. Sometimes I came so close. Usually I couldn’t bring myself to go not even close. It was so so scary. When the train comes speeding, loud and clanking and that lethal air blasts at me and I take a step back. It’s so very different than merely fantasizing.

I knew it is selfish because it can make people late for things like work and appointments and scare people who have to see. But I thought their inconvenience would be nothing next to my pain and I justified it. But I realized later that it’s not ok to involve others even if they won’t be hurt. No one else should ever be interfered with just because I have problems. And imagine the psychological damage some may suffer having to witness something like that and the poor person in charge of operating the train. It wouldn’t ever be that person’s fault but still that person would have to live with that. And some people suffer serious guilt even if it’s not their fault at all.

So now I only seriously contemplate ways that won’t interfere with others directly. It’s true that someone will have to find it and it won’t be pleasant for whoever it is. But when almost anyone dies, any way, the corpse will have to be found. I can’t help that.

Anyway, usually things like this problem don’t depress me. I’m very easy going. But that night, it just triggered me to become depressed. Very, very depressed. I was already depressed in a very mild way off and on for a few days.

I felt like nothing has any flavor, I had no purpose and never will, nothing sounds or feels right, nothing really interested me too much, soda had no fizz to it, colors weren’t as vibrant. I had some slight desire. Like for food, reading ghost stories, and taking pictures but nowhere near as passionate as usual; I still liked it though. It was like it was weakened or covered in plastic, like everything covered and I couldn’t really touch it. I knew it wouldn’t matter if I killed myself because I really wanted to die and no one would have cared anyway and there was no purpose in anything for me. I saw no reason for me to live and I did not want to live at all. I wanted everything to end, not just the pain, the good with the bad. I just wanted to be dead. But I kept holding on anyway.

I remember seeing a bright red car that brought some sense of feeling back into me.
The color so vibrant and lovely. All was momentarily ok. It reminded me that there’s always beauty in the ugly, light in the darkness, even if it’s very simple, like a bright red car.
It’s possible for things like that to help me to a certain extent even when I’m in the deepest, darkest despair because I’m naturally very positive and I strengthened my natural habit of seeing the beauty and goodness around me, even more, with practice through the years.


As depressed & suicidal as I have recently been and I still saw all positive, happy, beautiful things just jumping out at me. Even when I wasn’t trying. It was annoying some occasions because I wanted to die so badly, so desperately, but felt guilty and absurd acting on it when there was all beautiful things and positive thoughts jumping into my head uncontrollably. Lol My mind is so much in the habit, both naturally and an intentional conscious habit I have practiced & developed, of positive thinking and an attitude of gratitude, that I think so positively even when I’m on the brink of killing myself. Now, it’s not always enough to stop me or make me want to live but it’s so helpful (and annoying) and makes it less likely I will go.


(mine! 😀 )

I couldn’t believe some of the inspiring shit running through my head when I was trying to muster up the “courage” to kill myself.
I would think of all reasons I should die and be convinced then my mind would come up with:

“But….you can be greater than anything that can happen to you!…”

“But…there’s always something to hold on for…”

“But…all I have to do is change my way of thinking about these things…”

“But…we all have something to contribute to the world…how can I if I end it…”

“But…I can use my pain to our advantage and potentially help someone else…”

“But…there’s still so much beauty surrounding me…”

“But..don’t sweat the small stuff! And it’s all small stuff!..”

“But…it’s all about the attitude and I can change the attitude!”

“But…be Brave! Keep going!…”

And more….

Often for every agonizing thought and great reason to kill myself, a positive, beautiful thought would uncontrollably pop up, a reason to live.

Kept getting in my way. Blah! Lol 😉

There’s something so positive ingrained into me and threaded throughout my whole existence. There’s so much love in me even when all I want is to be dead.


(lol this isn’t my photo)

Also, when I want to but don’t kill myself, it’s not always because some part of me truly wants to live. It’s not necessarily ambivalence, though sometimes it is. It’s just that we all have this biological/evolutionary will to live, which is different than a psychological desire to live. Nature has equipped us with this to keep our species going. A single celled organism with no consciousness has this same will to live.
It doesn’t mean the thing “wants” to live.

Even long after the desire burns out and the will is reduced to just a shred, this will to live is fierce. A thin sliver is so fierce. It’s not my choice. It’s primitive to keep me going, it doesn’t mean I want to. It’s hard to overcome it. Suicidal urges are unnatural to it. They contradict it.
And it’s often stronger than those urges.

It annoys me when people say/write that just the fact that we’re alive, shows we must not be sure if we want to die. No. I have been so sure.
It’s just this evolutionary thing or whatever, really gets in my way.

That night and early in the morning I battled recurrent violent urges to kill myself. Even in my slumber. I dreamed of dying. Taking myself out. I even had a certain method in mind and a plan. I had uncontrollable images flashing through my head of what I wanted to do to myself, what I planned to do.

It was so physical.

I kept getting up in the night, getting ready to go then changing my mind.

Whenever I seriously considered killing myself that night and early in the morning, I thought of all the inspirational things I post and share and truly believe in. And I thought of the sweet messages people write to me expressing encouragement, gratitude, appreciation….and I wasn’t sure I wanted to throw it all away just like that.


(not my pic)

I know what it’s like to suffer and to experience true joy & happiness & love and my main intention with the things I post is to uplift others and inspire anyone I can. How inspiring can I be to others if I intentionally kill myself? That’s a very unfortunate message to send to the world, don’t you think? When things are too agonizing, painful, overwhelming, we give up?

I don’t want to end with that kind of energy. I don’t want to leave that negative energy in the uni-verse. When/if I kill myself, that negative energy will linger. It’s not good for others. And it’s just a bad, bad message to the world. Every single act I perform, every word I speak, every breath I take has the potential for a ripple effect to some degree for better or for worse. So why not make them all positive? Or positive as possible.


(this isn’t my photo)

And I thought of all the potential I have to touch someone else for the better even if just a very small, simple way. Each day I live, each moment, each breath, is a chance to love someone else. Each encounter no matter how brief, can brighten the world for another. And this is true for all of us.

No matter how much pain I’m in and how much I want to die, how much it feels like I have to die, I can still help someone else somehow.


(not my photo)

For a couple hours, I laid in bed in a near catatonic state, no energy to move, no desire, no strength to even pull a trigger if I had a gun. At some points, when I’m depressed, I have literally zero desire for anything other than death and can’t even think of living to help others or for the good things. Sometimes even the joy the good things can bring, doesn’t seem enough to keep me alive. I seriously could hardly move or even breathe. Usually my depression is not this bad, even when I was young and depressed more frequently, it was not usually to this point.

And I thought of all the poor people who lost their battle with depression and suicidal urges.

I want to carry on for them.
I don’t really know if it makes sense but it does to me.

It doesn’t mean they weren’t strong or inspiring or beautiful or would have never wanted to live again. They just couldn’t see it then. But if they held on longer, even just a second longer(suicidal thoughts and urges can be so fleeting, coming and going,…a fraction of a second can make all the difference), they could have found that strength, saw their own beauty. So I want to keep going even when I don’t, to put more love and beauty into the world. The world has been deprived of theirs so I’ll try to put even more for all of us. It’s so hard sometimes but I’ll try. I can never take their place and never would anyway but I can honor them.

For some of us it won’t go away and stay away. It comes and goes.

Like waves in an ocean.

Sometimes the oceans are calm and peaceful and the waves, gentle. But other moments the ocean is loud and aggressive, the waves are violent, threatening to knock us over and pull us under. But if we stand strong, they won’t keep us down too long.

Sometimes I have to battle these violent waves right now until it becomes calm and peaceful again.

I may have written here before about my analogy to the oceans and waves.

It’s so fitting.


(yeah, sometimes it is! Not my pic though!)

I’m very open about my condition. It’s something I battled most of this life, not constantly, but sometimes frequent. Like I said, it can flare up out of nowhere for no reason or be triggered by an external factor or triggered by my own thinking or memories sometimes. It’s not my personality or attitude or even a mere mood. It’s like a sickness that takes me over even though I’m naturally, generally happy. In the same way a physical illness can.

I want to be open and honest about my experience with depression, even the darkest, ugliest parts. And I want to be open & honest about my pleasant experiences and happiness. The depression doesn’t take that away.

I’m very open on here and in person. I often share the blog here on Facebook where people I know in person and those I don’t, have access to it. I want people to know my name and see my face and read my story.


Here I am! 😀 This is me a few days ago! My smile is genuine. We can see if someone is truly happy in the moment, usually, not by the smile but the eyes. There’s a spark whether or not we’re smiling. 😀 ❤

I have nothing to cover up. I’m the same me in person as I am online. I write more than I talk and probably reveal more in writing because the opportunity to write just makes it easier but I’m the same.

I never felt compelled to keep my depression and suicidal contemplation a big secret. And I never will. I did used to be more hesitant to talk about it but still found the courage. Sometimes I still hesitate before speaking or posting certain things that have to do with my condition but I usually always find the courage to eventually share it.

I don’t tell it to just everyone. Some I would never tell to directly but I don’t care if they know. Some people are much easier to tell than others, more inviting, more open to it, especially those who know the pain intimately.

I don’t tell people when I’m seriously considering ending my life, of course not. I’m not trying to get put away (it’s not so bad being hospitalized, I experienced a couple hospitalizations both voluntary and involuntary – it’s a hassle though but helpful in some ways) or inflict guilt upon anyone. If I tell someone I want to kill myself then I really kill myself, that person may feel guilty even if the person doesn’t like me or really care. I don’t want anyone to carry that burden. I don’t go into much detail about my fantasies usually or plans or things like that because I don’t want to distress anyone. But basically, I’m very open about it in general.

For now I choose to keep going for all the people who lost our battle and especially for the people still alive, like me, who have so much difficulty holding on sometimes, for anyone whose life may cross mine even years into the future, who I can help in any way, even if it’s just actively listening, letting someone borrow my pen, a warm smile, a loving hug, an inspiring post, a sweet conversation…..


(not my pic)

Who knows who I can help maybe without even realizing the impact? Whether it’s in a practical way like letting the person have something of mine or in a way like listening to someone talk or being encouraging to others.


(this totally IS my photo! ;-D)

Just because I’m a suicidal wreck (lol) doesn’t mean I don’t have what it takes to love or to help. ❤ In fact, my experience helps even deepen my empathy for the problems of others and helps deepen my wisdom. Even when I’m currently on the brink of ending it, I can still love.


(not my pic)


(I usually do! And yeah, this isn’t mine!)

I can’t be sure I won’t ever kill myself but for now I plan to hold on. ❤ ❤

Not for me but for them. ❤


~Hugs~ & love to you.

Xoxo Kim

Wordless Wednesday

So beautiful! This photo is full of passion and looks like something big or dramatic is about to happen, like a storm or a change of some sort, in a symbolic way. Very inspiring! It almost looks like a painting; the clouds resemble brushstrokes. Sky pictures are some of my favorites, especially when it’s bright blue like here with some clouds. This is a great picture to elicit poetry, like in those challenges where a person looks at a picture and writes whatever comes to mind, something poetic inspired by the photo. I’m usually not good at that but if I was participating in that challenge, I feel that this would be the perfect photo! ❤ 😀

Eliza Waters


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Beautiful photo and words! So inspiring and life affirming. I love the colors and the texture. ❤

Heaven On Earth

imageShedding the Sheol of Death
the Resurrection
the very same
we strive to Live
each and every day
creating Life
where once destruction lay

Happy Resurrection Day, Friends!

MF Macro Without Tripod Photography/ “Resurrection” 2016©AmyRose

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Beautiful story


I re-blogged this over and over and commented but it doesn’t seem like it was sent on any of those occasions!  So I’m sharing it here! 😀 
It’s a beautiful story! Very well written. I love how the goddess is so strong and independent. Some of her best qualities (her strength, tenacity, power, ferocity) are also her worst since they are used in dangerous ways against others. The personification of the river as a woman/goddess, especially one who is so strong and powerful and fierce, free in spirit, is beautiful and inspiring. Those are fantastic qualities to emulate in reality but with balance, mixing them with other qualities like softness, compassion for others, and empathy.  But there’s something beautiful and awe-inspiring about her being completely untamed, unable to be stopped, while inspiring the reverence and utter respect of others even though she doesn’t return that respect. Thank you for sharing your creativity, Trini! I love this! ❤

Please check out this beautiful blog & beautiful story! ❤

Much love & light to you,

xoxo Kim 😀

A dream


“Reading departure signs in some big airport
Reminds me of the places I’ve been
Visions of good times that brought so much pleasure
Makes me want to go back again
If it suddenly ended tomorrow
I could somehow adjust to the fall
Good times and riches and son of a bitches
I’ve seen more than I can recall
These changes in latitudes, changes in attitudes
Nothing remains quite the same
Through all of the islands and all of the highlands
If we couldn’t laugh we would all go insane”

Last night I dreamed about my dog, Koko. I rarely have dreams about her but she’s always on my mind. Koko died of old age in April 2013. It’s one of the worst kinds of pain I ever experienced. I never felt anything worse.
Just like the sensation I mentioned here before that I experience after losing my human friend, Diane ( here: ), I have this feeling sometimes, after losing Koko, like a significant part of my physical body is missing, like it has been torn off in some kind of trauma. 

Losing Diane and losing Koko are equally painful to me but losing Diane is more traumatic. 

This is because I have had pets my whole life, have loved and lost them (usually to old age) for as long as I can remember. Domesticated animals generally do not live as long as people and while I’m never used to losing a pet, I’m more prepared or expectant of it even if it’s completely unexpected, than losing a human friend or family member, especially suddenly or unexpectedly like how we lost Diane. 

I always knew that if I live long enough, one day I would be without Koko. I used to feel I couldn’t live without her and I dreaded the day I would be forced to. I used to imagine sometimes, what it would be like if she wasn’t here and I could hardly bear it. But those imaginings prepared me better for it even though that wasn’t my intention. I don’t usually imagine what it will be like without certain people because even though they can die soon, I just don’t expect it to happen. I expect it more with nonhumans. Their lifespan is often no more than fifteen years and they seem to have much for fragile lives than people, at least to me. 

Very fortunately, Koko lived a long happy life with my family and me. A few days before she died, I knew she wouldn’t be around much longer. She seemed very aged more than usual and she slowed up and stopped coming to the door to greet me as I came in. She ate her slim jims I gave her as treats, more slowly than ever. It was and still is so painful but my mind was getting prepared as much as it possibly could, to lose her.

She slept in bed with me every night and took naps with me. She slept on my chest almost every night. It was so cute! She was a pom mix and she never barked and was extremely gentle and loving. 

She had a warm, gentle energy that I always felt.

Koko died exactly one week before we were going to celebrate her fourteenth birthday with my other dog whose birthday is close to Koko’s. We don’t know Koko’s exact birthday but she was born in April 1999.  

It’s hard to handle the fact that she’s gone forever but I accept it and move forward. I always have the loving memories of her. And I was always and still am so thankful to have had her for as long as I did. What better way to go than old age surrounded by love? What better way to lose someone? There isn’t one. We are blessed even when it’s hard to feel it. 

It still hurts me sometimes to look at pictures of her. And there are still some moments even almost three years later, where the pain of this loss is so immense it knocks the wind out of me and I feel I can’t go on. These occasions are not frequent but they exist. I think they always will but that’s ok. 

There’s another kind of pain that exists now that this loss is no longer very recent. There was something so comforting knowing I just saw her alive a week ago, a few months ago…but as the years go on, the day I last saw her gets further and further away and that’s so painful.  

Sometimes I feel like it was all a mistake, all those moments, all those days I realized I can go on even with the pain. I think it was a mistake and that I really can’t. I know it’s not true but it feels that way sometimes. 

In my dream I saw her so vividly and it was shocking. In my dream she was still dead and I was looking through old things of mine and came across a video of Koko that just started playing and I was screaming “turn it off, stop, I can’t see it!” My mom was there but I’m not sure who I was yelling to. I was filled with fear and pain to see her moving around on a video so clearly knowing I’ll never see her for real again. 

But the video wouldn’t stop playing and as much as I wanted to look away, I couldn’t. I wanted to see my baby again in any way I could no matter how painful. 

So while I was filled with fear and agony, I was also filled with deep love, gratitude, beauty, joy….

Then in my dream, Koko materialized or something and became real once again just for a moment for me to hug and to hold. She looked right at me and made eye contact. I was so happy in my dream. I couldn’t stop smiling and laughing and my mom too. It was beautiful. It still is beautiful even in my waking hours. 

I woke up in pain and gratitude. 
The dream stirred up that raw grief in me (or maybe unconscious raw grief provoked the dream?) and there have been moments off and on today when my grief gets overwhelming again and nearly unbearable. 

I’m thankful for the dream. I loved seeing her so vividly and feeling all those emotions. 

The fact that Koko died of old age doesn’t make my grief and sense of loss any less profound or painful but it is a sense of consolation and contributes to it being less traumatic to me and easier to bear.

Six days after Koko died I thought I wanted to die too. I wasn’t depressed but the pain was so bad. When Koko died, it was six months that I haven’t been suicidal for, which back then, was the longest I was able to go in many years without being suicidal. I did not consider it a relapse because it wasn’t the depressed suicidal. I was just overwhelmed in grief. 

It took three months after Koko died, for me to begin feeling like myself again and four months to feel completely like me again. 

After losing Koko, I felt like I lost me too. For months I felt numb but with pain and I also felt joy and happiness underneath because I’m naturally very happy. But I did not laugh as much after Koko died. I still found things amusing, things to chuckle about but for months I did not have those deep belly laughs I have almost every day, even when I’m depressed usually. When I’m depressed I can still laugh deeply but not as deeply usually, there’s some kind of damper or something numbing it. But with this grief, I couldn’t even laugh like that. 

At first I did not realize what was wrong but I knew something was. I felt very different than usual. Very off. I began to grieve for myself along with my dog. I felt like I not only lost her but lost me too. I felt like I was an almost empty shell of what I was before this significant loss.

There are things this grief took away that even depression doesn’t usually take away, like my ability to be easily amused and laugh hysterically over everything and nothing. Also, my sense of self became weakened. But this experience while weakening it, also helped me strengthen it. 

Even with depression, I can usually feel myself underneath but this grief numbed me until I felt not like someone else but a shadow of me.

Depression does worse things usually, in some ways, than grief (like takes away every ounce of pleasure and joy, provokes suicidal inclination…)but there are some things this grief did to me that depression usually doesn’t. 

Many occasions I couldn’t be amused over things I usually would be laughing hysterically at and other occasions I would begin to feel amused and consciously or unconsciously talk myself out of it, telling myself I can’t be laughing when Koko just recently died.

The night before Koko died, I got new shirts and whenever I began to be thrilled about them my head would quickly remind me to stop because soon Koko won’t be here anymore. 

This isn’t a good thing. And it wasn’t always my conscious decision to not let myself experience joy and laughter.

It was often automatic.

A few months after Koko’s death, I listened to a song sung by Jimmy Buffet and I laughed hysterically, uncontrollably and I instantly felt like me again. It felt like heaven. Like being home again. I found myself again.
Then I listened to more of his songs and laughed even more. 

I realized even more how I only felt like a faint shadow of me for the last few months, how I stopped laughing.

This experience helped me realize even more how playful and easily amused I am. I always knew but this experience reminded me even more how much of an integral part of me my playful side is. 

I was and am inspired by this experience, this revelation that nothing can take away my true self no matter what. Even if it goes into hiding for a while, scared to come out and play again, my true self is always here and will always resurface. I will laugh again. Love again. Live again.

I’m not thankful that Koko died but I’m thankful for the experience surrounding my loss. I can still see light and beauty in it even through the agony.

It’s also interesting to view it in comparison with the loss of my human friend. The pain is very similar but both losses have differences also and challenges that the other one does not have so much. In some ways it’s harder to endure the situation of losing Diane but in other ways it’s more difficult to endure the situation of losing Koko. This isn’t because the loss of one is more painful or greater or because one is loved more. There are different factors associated with some losses that may contribute to it being more difficult to handle one loss in some ways, than another.

We can love two people who die, equally, but still find the loss of one more difficult for whatever reason. Maybe the one loss was more unexpected or tragic or whoever the person is to us somehow makes it seem more difficult to lose that one. Losing a child, for example, is most likely the most unexpected loss. And losing a pet is probably more expected to many, than losing a human friend or family member. Losing someone to homicide or suicide or some other senseless way is probably more difficult to cope with for many people than loss to a heart attack or an illness that couldn’t be prevented. This isn’t necessarily true for everyone but definitely some. 

I think it’s best not to judge others based on our own or other people’s experiences. Just because I find something easier or more difficult doesn’t mean someone else does.
And just because I react a certain way when I feel a certain way doesn’t mean someone who reacts differently than I do, feels differently. Two people can both feel a similar emotion or have a similar opinion but react very differently. Two people can be just as devastated but one cries and one doesn’t or one can get out of bed and one feels like s/he cannot. 

This is another great way to cope with tragedy and significant losses and other pain and difficulty, to view the situation with curiosity, wonder, and fascination instead of just all in a negative light. 

My dream, while seemingly simple, is so thought provoking and inspiring and sad and beautiful. 

I am reminded to let me laugh when I feel the urge no matter what is going on. It’s ok to laugh. To repress my mirth won’t bring back the dead or heal the tragedy or reverse the destruction in the world. All repression of joy & laughter serves to do is have even less joy in the world. Dwelling on pain just brings more pain. It perpetuates the seriousness and devastation. 

I hope if you are grieving or experiencing another kind of pain, you find some sense of consolation and beauty even through the darkness and still let yourself laugh and live. It’s ok and laughing is good for healing. 

We don’t have to be so serious. 
Life doesn’t have to be so serious. 

Changes In Latitudes, Changes In Attitudes – Jimmy Buffett – mobile

Changes In Latitudes, Changes In Attitudes – desktop

Hugs to you and much love & light, always, 

Xoxo Kim