Strawberry <3

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Strawberry is one of my favorite flavors. Not even for the taste itself, though it is delicious! 

😀

Cherry is my favorite and grape and I also love blueberry poptarts more than I love strawberry. For ice cream, mint chip is my favorite. 
Strawberry laffey taffeys are good, though, not nearly as good as cherry!  

But there’s something about strawberry I don’t understand. 

It brings life back into me. Life & hope.

Strawberry was Diane’s favorite ice cream.
Diane is my friend & coworker who we lost unexpectedly to a heart attack last year, which is one of the most difficult experiences of this life of mine. I feel my heart now, like it’s physically breaking. Sometimes I’m overcome in grief like it’s almost paralyzing. 

She would eat strawberry ice cream a lot at work.
She absolutely loved it. 
I always loved the pink color more than the flavor and I love the frozen strawberry pieces, how they feel against my tongue.

When she would eat her strawberry ice cream, the pink color always made me want to eat some too. Even when I was depressed and couldn’t really taste anything else, the strawberry almost always tasted like a sliver of Heaven on Earth, to me. Even flavors I like better do not usually do that for me.

Even when nothing else tempted me to eat it, strawberry would (still does!) and I would always forget what strawberry ice cream would do for me until Diane would come over and eat it.

I always felt so thankful. ❤ ❤

I remember often thinking "Thank You, Diane!!" when I would be depressed and she would be eating strawberry ice cream back in her room at work. And I would be eating it now too feeling a spark of hope instilled in me because something actually tasted like something in the midst of my deep, dark despair. That little glimpse of what still is, what can be, often kept me going. 

As I mentioned, I was recently depressed and nothing had any flavor. Even my soda does not feel as fizzy when I'm like this. It's like flat even though it's not. 

Depression can do some weird shit. Lol

It's like being in a separate world than everyone else.

Like I mentioned here before about the movie, The Langoliers, when they slip into something like another dimension but not quite, more like a time rip or lapse or something, and everything is bland, not just the taste of food, but the feel of everything. Nothing has rhythm, color, flavor, feeling. Everything is like a cheap imitation of the real thing. The air is dead. It’s disgusting.

But I recently bought strawberry sugar wafers because PINK! (lol can’t go wrong with pink!) and wasn’t expecting to really taste them but I was restless and wanted something to do. I had no desire for food or drink but I ate the wafers anyway and the strawberry struck me and just was/is amazing. Still not the same as if I wasn’t depressed but still, nothing else can touch me like that usually, in a state like this. But strawberry does! 

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I thought instantly of Diane (she’s always on my mind but this brought my conscious awareness to her at that moment) and I came to love strawberry even more, remembering how she loved it and always brought so much love to me even with my depression, I always felt so happy to see and talk to her.

She was so understanding of people with depression and substance addiction and other problems that not everyone understands or cares to understand. 

Oh, sweet Diane! ❤ </3 ❤

I don't know just how I came to find myself propelled into a world without her here with me but I'm so thankful I got to know her in this life.
And so thankful for the memories of strawberry ice cream and her love.

We were friends and worked together for almost ten years but I would have loved her just as much and grieve just as hard if I just met her. Time isn't what matters, the depth of love and connection is what does. But it's a blessing to have known her for nearly a decade. 

She loved Rod Stewart and whenever I hear the song "Rhythm of My Heart," I think of her and it plays so frequently on random shuffle 
when I write about her and it just start playing now! Lol ❤ ❤

Anyway, I just want to write about my experience with Strawberry. 

It's one of the beautiful things and my word this year is Beauty!! 

I hope you, whoever you are, are full of happiness & love & light & joy & inner peace.

If you have what I have (depression) or any problem or condition whether it's just as bad as mine, worse, or not as bad, I hope you have or soon find something that can almost always bring you a sense of joy or comfort or hope, when nothing else seems to. Maybe a song, or a memory, a book, or movie, or quote, or activity, or maybe a certain color or flavor….

I don't just write "much love & light…" often just to end my posts. I truly wish with everything I have that everyone can be happy and feel love for others and feel loved themselves. When I write that, I actually feel it. I don't know who is reading but I know everyone is someone, like me, with hopes and joy and happiness and pain and fears, losses, and the potential for suffering and the potential to evolve and the capacity to love…

And I love you because I know you are someone.

So, much love & light to you, always. ❤

Xoxo Kim 

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