Archive | October 2016

Boogers <3

I had another post planned for today but it’s not working out with the posting! So let’s try this one! I remember writing this at work last year! β€πŸ˜πŸ˜­πŸ˜‚πŸ˜€β€πŸ‘»πŸŽƒπŸ’€ I’ll post the other tomorrow! xoxo Much love, Kim ❀

A Dose of Inspiration


So today I been eating boogers! Lol

They aren’t really boogers though(in case anyone thinks I really eat my boogers…).

They are candy made to look and feel (hopefully not taste?) like real boogers.

They have a pleasant after taste.Β 


I don’t know though, have you ever seen real ones that look like this?!



And they aren’t sticky or anything so I suppose they don’t feel like real ones. I don’t pick my nose ( jk never!) so I wouldn’t know.Β 

They are also very large for the real thing.Β 
I feel kind of sorry for you if your boogies are this big. :-/
And if they’re this green you may have a sinus/ear/throat infection, I think, but as I am not an infectious disease specialist, I wouldn’t recommend taking my word for it!


They are supposed to be tangy and they do have a bit of a…

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Awkward & funny TuesdayπŸ˜€


(someone’s “welcome” mat at a house close to mine. lol There’s a grumpy looking adorable cat who sits in the door looking out; that would be a great picture with him\her in it! πŸ˜€ )

If you fall in the fall, you’ll see, September can be heavenly.
If you fall, say you’ll fall for me,
When autumn leaves are fallin’ from the trees.” πŸπŸ‚

Today is a great day! I’m at work now and it’s dark and kind of cold! 😍 My favorite! πŸ˜€β€

Earlier today was awkward! First someone hit me really hard in the back with something when I was in Wawa with my sister. lol It was an accident of course but it hurt! He hit me with the large object then said “whoa” and kept walking. I wasn’t angry or annoyed; just amused. And in pain. Then when we walked outside a homeless person wanted money and I spilled my Pumpkin coffee all over my shirt before work and he tried to help me but it was a lost cause. πŸŽƒ Then as we were walking away, I saw an adorable little bird and was trying to show my sister when suddenly my ankle gave out on me and i fell to the ground spilling my coffee some more, all over the other side of my shirt while two people saw! I’m beyond being embarrassed over falling in public. It’s just what I do.

Not only am I just a klutz, when I was little i was spoiled and when things werent going my way I would run around on my ankles pissin’ n moanin’ and now they just collapse! lol πŸ˜‚πŸ˜­

My sister said when I fall I’m really dramatic about it and appear more like someone getting shot than someone simply tripping.



(those two arent mine)

I couldnt stop laughing all the way home.

And I fell forward, not back. πŸ˜€

Then when my sister n me were coming in the door i wasnt paying attention and let the door slam onto her and her hot chocolate spilled all over her. She said when we’re out I dont know how to act like a human. lol Oh, well.

When we told my mom what happened she burst out laughing hysterically. And I have a sore ankle now. 😱

And here are a few pics of mine!




Also, my sister set me up an instagram account! As much as I love photography and taking and editing pictures and looking at everyone else’s I never had an instagram account! When i had a Blackberry phone ages ago I wanted an instagram account but it wasnt compatible with Blackberry. Then when i got a new phone i no longer felt the desire to have one. Then recently it crossed my mind that it may be a good idea since I have so many pictures! I usually just put them all on photobucket which doesnt seem as popular or as “social” as instagram. Anyway, recently my sister set up an account for herself so i gave her my phone and asked her to set one up for me as well and i told her all the info for it. Now i just have to put lots of pics on n it will be good to go! πŸ˜€ When I get it all set up n ready, I’ll share it here! πŸ˜€πŸ˜

And here’s a sweet song for you!

“I’ll be your girl for all seasons, all the year through.
Your girl for all seasons,
‘Cause I love, yes I love to be everything to you, just you.” πŸ‚πŸβ„β›„πŸŒžπŸŒΎπŸŒ·πŸŒΉπŸŒΈπŸŒΌπŸŒ»πŸŽƒπŸŽ„πŸŽπŸ‘»πŸ’€πŸŽ…

Girl for All Seasons – mobile

Girl for All Seasons – desktopΒ 

I’m wishing you much love & happiness & joy, always and hope you are having a beautiful day or night wherever in the world you are. ❀


Much love always,

xoxo Kim


Bored or Blessed?


I came across this today and it doesn’t resonate with me at all. I’m always promoting the act of cherishing the simple, the mundane, the “ordinary” in every day whether we have a very busy life full of work, travel, kids, appointments, plans…..or a simple, laid back life with very little going on, no big job, no big goals, no big celebrations…. Some people actually prefer the simple, seemingly boring details of life over “big” things like demanding jobs, traveling, holidays, vacations….it doesnt mean it’s a boring life. Just because we acknowledge small or ordinary things as blessings doesnt mean we must have nothing else going for us that we have to grasp onto anything we can in desperation(anyway, thats a good thing!). One way to live isn’t better than another way. One way may just be better for someone else. Whatever floats your boat!Β 

Also, what if the people mentioned above really do have incredibly boring lives or “horrible” lives full of misfortune? At least they have the good sense to still appreciate any good thing there still is no matter how “small!” The ability to feel blessed and see extraordinary in the ordinary, that itself is a blessing! β€πŸ˜€ If we see all the “stupid shit” as amazing, well then good for us!

Β Here are some sweet & simple blessings:

Watching a butterfly fluttering about 🐜🐝

a perfect cup of tea, coffee, smoothie, shake….some just taste way better than usual some occasions β˜•πŸ΅

a thrilling ghost storyπŸ‘»πŸ“–πŸ“š

our beautiful senses and abilities and bodily functions, seeing, hearing, walking, feeling, thinking, living, breathing, standing, tasting, sense of smell, bloodflow, bone marrow, pulmonary, circulation, digestion, urinary…..πŸŽ‰πŸŽ†πŸ˜β€

doggy scents! so cute!! β€πŸ˜πŸ˜€πŸ˜‚πŸ˜­

crunchy Fall leaves on the ground πŸπŸ‚

puppy kisses β€πŸ’™πŸ’šπŸ’›πŸ’œπŸ’“πŸ’•πŸ’–πŸ’—πŸ’˜πŸ’πŸ’žπŸ’Ÿ

smiling at a stranger πŸ˜€

hearing church bells ring πŸ””

a new book! ❀ πŸ“šπŸ“™πŸ“˜πŸ“—πŸ“”πŸ“’πŸ“‘πŸ““πŸ“•πŸ“–

makeup πŸ’„

five inch heels πŸ‘ 

cinnamon pastries with cream cheese frosting! mmmm 😍❀

peanut butter! ❀

Things going as planned πŸ˜€

Things not going as planned πŸ˜€

candles with sweet fragrances ❀

an especially productive workout πŸ’ͺ

a night sky full of twinkling stars πŸŒ™πŸŒπŸŒ›πŸŒœπŸŒ‘πŸŒ’πŸŒ“πŸŒ”πŸŒ“πŸŒ•πŸŒ–πŸŒ—πŸŒ˜πŸŽ‘πŸŒƒπŸŒ‰πŸŒŒ

snow crunching beneath our shoes ⛄❄

Philadelphia! β€πŸŒ‰πŸŒƒ

a heavy rainstorm, the scents it brings forth πŸŒˆπŸŒ‚β˜”πŸ’§βš‘

the fragrance of pine in the air 🌲

Holiday season! πŸŽ„πŸŽ€πŸŽπŸŽƒπŸŽ‚πŸŽˆπŸŽ…πŸ‘ΉπŸ’€πŸ‘½πŸ‘Ύ

feeling our pulse or heartbeat β€πŸ“ˆπŸ“‰γ€½πŸ’Ή

the floral fragrance of Spring 🌷

the changing of the seasons πŸŒ±πŸŒ²πŸŒ³πŸŒ΄πŸŒ·πŸŒΈπŸŒΉπŸπŸ‚πŸ€πŸŒΌπŸŒ»πŸŒΊπŸŒΎπŸŒΏβ›…β˜€β›„β„πŸ’§β˜”β›…πŸŒ‚πŸŒˆβ˜β˜€

saving an insect πŸπŸžπŸŒπŸ›πŸœ

witnessing or engaging in an act of kindness ❀ 

beautiful flowers 🌹🌷🌸🌼🌻🌺🌾

inspiring quotes! πŸšͺ

not being in severe pain! β€πŸ‘πŸ˜€πŸ˜

belly laughs that hurt so good πŸ˜‚πŸ˜­ 😍😘❀

hearing a song we havent heard in a while and forgot all about πŸ˜€πŸŽΆπŸŽ΅πŸŽΌπŸŽ€πŸŽ·πŸŽΉπŸŽ»πŸŽΊπŸŽΈπŸ“»πŸ“ΊπŸ“€

dark, soft pretzels! 😍😘❀

Cozy Winter & Fall nights at home ❀

Cool nights! ❀

scary movies & comedy movies πŸ‘»πŸ˜‚πŸ˜­πŸ“€πŸ“Ί

simply being alive! β€πŸ˜€πŸ“ˆπŸ“‰γ€½πŸ’Ή

Look at all that “stupid shit!” lol

And so, so much more!! I can go on all day!

Blessings upon blessings! ❀

There is so much beauty in each & every day, each age, every stage, every situation, season, problem… and if we acknowledge it, embrace it, celebrate it, and share it, we are truly blessed! πŸ˜€β€

Go ahead write out your own list! I was already happy but now after writing this I feel as if I can just float away into a blue sky full of fluffy white clouds (another blessing!) or drift through a gray rainy sky (more blessings!) Writing a list of blessings\gratitude list, really does do wonders! ❀

Much love & light to you, always!

xoxo Kim

Every leaf❀


“Every leaf speaks bliss to me, fluttering from the autumnΒ tree.”

I took this picture today after work. When i saw the ground completely covered in crisp Autumn leaves, I was instantly struck with the incredible beauty & this quote came to mind. Every single individual leaf is beautiful, gorgeous, stunning, breathtaking and I make it a point to try to look at each one. I love to touch them also. I’m so inspired! I hope you find something each day that speaks bliss to your very core, something beautiful, captivating. Cherish it, savor it, celebrate it, love it. ❀ Not every street has all these leaves. I’m blessed to have my workplace on a street like this! So sweet! β€πŸ˜πŸ˜€

Much love, light, & beauty,

Xoxo Kim ❀

Beginnings. ❀


β€œAuercliff is a house of secrets,” I continue, lowering my voice a little. β€œToo many secrets over time, all twisted together in knots. It’s too bloody old, is the problem. If I were queen of England, I’d decree that any house above one hundreds years in age should be knocked down so that its inhabitants can start again. In fact, I think I’d outlaw history entirely. All I’d keep would be literature and poetry.”

I’m reading a thrilling ghost story by Amy Cross! She’s one of my favorite authors! I don’t know where she comes up with this stuff! She writes mostly paranormal stuff i think. It’s all so fascinating! Her books though, are in some serious need of editing! She has no editor or her editor is a real slacker or something. But it never lessens my love for her writing! Hers are the books that keep me up reading late into the night until the sun comes up! Then i wake up a few hours later with bags under my eyes and dark circles and an aching body. lol But irresisible her stories are! ❀ 

This book is called “The Body at Auercliff” about a supposedly haunted mansion! I love ghost stories! I get all giddy! lol The excerpt above is out of this book. It’s said by a character named Verity. What a pretty name! It means truth.Β She is a little girl who is about to die but no one knows it yet. She’s going to contract influenza. That’s supposed to be how she dies but i don’t know if it really is yet. She if fourteen years old and says this shortly before she becomes ill. I find it inspiring that she sees destruction as a beginning to something better. A clean slate to rebuild something for the better.

I especially find this inspiring now because it can apply to my current situation. Recently I found out that very soon, as soon as the next week or two weeks, I may be out of a job! Sucky! lol Β The store is closing up. Actually, I don’t know how true this is. My boss is trying to sell it but she doesn’t really tell us much. There has been a few occasions throughout the last year that I came close to losing my job. It’s disappointing and not the best news but certainly not the worst news! It will feel bizzarre not working. I havent been without a job in over ten years. That’s probably true for most people at least in the U.S. We mostly all have jobs and it sucks to lose them. But along with my disappointment I feel inspired. This is an opportunity, a push, to begin something better. Through the years I have tried to find other jobs but not as hard as I could have. It wasn’t urgent since I did have this job. But now I’m inspired to look more seriously for another job, even if just another store job temporarily.

I do have some work experience other than at the store but not much so it’s hard to find a different kind of job. But not impossible! I don’t like some of the comments I received in person. They seem too somber for the occasion! Like, it’s my job I’m losing; not my life! gee whiz! lol It’s only a job! I’ll find another one. I live with my dad who works and my mom so I won’t be out on the street or anything. πŸ˜€

I will greatly miss it here at the store. I love every second of working here and got so much experience in various ways. I love the customers, the joy it brings, everything. I always said even if I got a “real” job I want to still work at least one day as a server at a store or restaurant because nothing can match that joy of bringing joy to others, the families, the kids, the doggies, sometimes! It’s a very happy job! (usually! of course there will always be the occasional person acting in a difficult manner! but that’s just the way it goes!)

Even if i never again have a job as a food server, I will always have the memories to cherish! Also, another kind of job can be just as pleasing, even more in some ways! One of the things I absolutely love about my job is the simplicity of it. It is joyous and fun having conversations with customers, telling people our different toppings and confections, seeing the joy on their faces, the way they take pictures and laugh when it’s better than they expected. But I hope my next job or at least one in the near future will be more challenging. I want to work on projects, expand my creativity, come up with new ideas, do teamwork…. I definitely want a job working closely with people. How thrilling! But I am ready to move on to bigger and better things! ❀

Now I just have to hope I find something available! πŸ˜€

If you are experiencing the end of something great like I am and finding it overwhelmingly sad or seeing it as unfortunate or negative, try instead to see it as transition into something new. Focus on the inspiration of a new beginning instead of the sorrow of an ending. If you’ll be out of work against your will, like me, how about while searching for a new job, also use all your free days to learn something new, develop new skills, find a new or rekindle an old fun activity, do volunteer work, study something on your own. I felt anxiety off and on and embarrassment that I’ll be not working but i won’t let that drag me down. I’m going to fill my days with beauty and joy like I always do but add even more to it. I often work long hours, weeks in a row. I rarely have two days in a row off work. And just after a couple days off, I miss it and cant wait to be back. So being out of work will be hard not just because of less money when I already have very little, but it will take some getting used to. But I’ll fill my hours that I would be working, with something worthwile and positive instead of sulking.

I feel that this experience is like an invitation to evolve. And i want to inspire someone else to do the same. This doesnt have to be a low place! πŸ˜€πŸ˜ I am more full of wonder than sorrow or disappointment, more thrills than anxiety, more inspiration than attachment.Β 

Destruction, endings, ruin, losses…are all opportunities to rebuild, to come back even stronger. ❀

“So gather up your jackets, move it to the exits,
I hope you have found a friend,
Closing time, every new beginning,
Comes from some other beginning’s end…” ❀

Closing Time – Semisonic – mobile

Closing Time – Semisonic -desktop

Much love & light, always! ❀

xoxo Kim



Offering them the victory❀


(me in Philadelphia❀) πŸ˜€

β€œMay I take defeat upon myselfΒ 
And offer them the victory”

I recently read a novel called The Bonesetters Daughter written by Amy Tan,Β about a Chinese family. It is a wonderful story, a real page turner! The daughter and her mom live in the U.S. but her mom grew up in China. Even though she lived in the U.S. for many years now, her English is limited. Her daughter speaks English and does not know Chinese characters very well. Her mom is losing her memory (she was diagnosed with Dementia) and gives her daughter a stack of papers she wrote in Chinese so her daughter can read about her mom’s life as a girl and young woman. She did not have an easy life and experienced a few tragedies and had to live during a war. Her mom is extremely superstitious, the opposite of her daughter who is more practical and grounded in reason. They have always had a tumultuous relationship and the daughter now wants to make it better.

Here is a line out of this novel that I find so beautiful and deeply inspiring:

“I was not afraid. I believed that if I was respectful to both the Chinese gods and the Christian one, neither would harm me. I reasoned that Chinese people were polite and also practical about life. The Chinese gods understood that we were living in a Western household run by Americans. If the gods could speak, they, too, would insist that the Christian deities have the better position. Chinese people, unlike foreigners, did not try to push their ideas on others. Let the foreigners follow their own ways, no matter how strange they were, that was their thinking.”

In the book, this girl was disowned by her family and sent to an orphanage, run by Americans even though it’s in China, that was previously a monastery run by Buddhist and Taoist monks at different points. The building has many statues and carvings of Buddhist and Taoist figures. The teachers of the orphanage are mostly Christian Americans and the one wants to turn all the statues into Christian figures. While I don’t like this idea of ruining or changing beautiful statues I love the sentiment that the girl displays, respect and love for those of another culture; allowing them to have the victory. They are in her country wanting to change statues representing her culture into something that represents their own and she is kind enough to allow it without animosity or protest, even helping them transform the statues and carvings into what they want them to be. I love how she says Chinese people do not push their ideas on others, though I don’t believe that speaking out against destroying statues is forcing their beliefs on the American people. It’s the Americans in this story who are pushing their beliefs on people by converting the Buddhist and Taoist figures to Christian ones, since they are originally Buddhist and Taoist, not Christian. If there were a beautiful Jesus statue, I wouldn’t think it should be turned into a Buddha even though much of the Buddhist philosophy resonates deeply with me.


But I love how she respects their religion and decision and doesn’t feel angry, offended, or wronged, like the statues are being defaced. My favorite part is where she says:Β 

“If the gods could speak, they, too, would insist that the Christian deities have the better position.”

This is a beautiful concept, putting others first, not out of fear of confrontation, a sense of low self esteem, or anything of that sort, but out of true desire for others to be happy. This is true love. To let others be first and a great strength to not feel that we are being put out or walked all over or being degraded. Also, i love the display of non attachment here. They are not attached to their statues or their religion or culture. They do not overly identify with any of it even if they appreciate and celebrate it. They do not feel destroyed when their possessions are destroyed and do not feel cheated or offended when their culture or religion is questioned, criticized, or trumped\overpowered by another, even though the Americans are on the Chinese people’s turf.

Β I am an Atheist and do not believe in anything supernatural, no gods or ghosts or other spirits, not the afterlife or anything of that sort…I don’t believe in Karma in a spiritual sense or psychics or astrology…I’m skeptic as can be but am not offended by religious statues or music or messages and in fact, often am inspired by them. I have no problem with psychic shops or stores of crystals and potions and stuff. Β I don’t mind people praying for me or wearing cross or Jesus pendants or saying “God bless..” or “Merry Christmas…” Many Atheists I meet both online and off, have this idea that Atheism = Anti religion or should entail hostility for religion or gods and\or those who believe in them. But to me that is absolutely ridiculous. Religion itself is not the problem; it’s when people begin to force it on others and use it to interfere with others that it becomes a serious problem. Look at all the religious people who kill in the name of religion or their god\s. But look at all the ones who never kill or use their religion as a weapon against others. Why allow the murderous ones to represent the whole lot of them?


My post here isn’t even just about accepting other religious beliefs but about offering the victory in general, even in seemingly trivial situations. This life can be so much easier and more peaceful when we let things slide that really aren’t important. So what if someone looks at us the wrong way, cuts us off in traffic, abrupty brushes by us on a crowded street, takes credit for something that is our idea, copies our style…??? In general, I’m very easy going but even I don’t always live up to this sentiment. Especially in interactions with my sister.

We have “opposing” personalities. I’m playful; she’s very serious. I’m dirty minded and she’s all proper. I think risque jokes are hilarious and she’s appalled. To me, most things are trivial but to her, one little mishap or problem is the end of the world. And sometimes I give into arguments with her instead of letting it slide. It ends up with her screaming and cursing me out and me saying little, dumb, uncalled for things back that only fuel her fury. And she carries the grudge long after I’m completely over it. The point is, who cares who is right? Let’s let others be right even when they aren’t (maybe not in every case! some things are important to speak up about). Let them take the credit, sling insults, have their way…it’s really not important.Β


(this one isn’t mine!)

It’s beautiful how in the story the young girl extends her love to the Christian god and validates the beliefs of both cultures, American Christians & Chinese polytheism. It’s true, not all differences in religious or other beliefs can be reconciled. Some just blantly oppose each other.

Even though there are opposing beliefs though, we do not have to oppose each other. Β 

Much love & light to you, always! β€πŸ˜πŸ˜€

xoxo KimΒ 


Beauty is where you find it

Just beautiful! The colors and darker parts of the photo are breathtaking! And I agree with the sentiment. Beauty is all around us, within, anywhere we look and feel. We can find it anywhere when we pay attention! ❀ Thank you for sharing! πŸ˜€



Samsung Galaxy 7


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She moves with love β€


Let’s not allow others to drag us down! Keep that light shining even when it’s dark; keep loving even when it isn’t returned, maintain inner peace even when there’s chaos all around….be kind, not because others are but because we are. Pull others into our love instead of letting them pull us into their negativity.β€β€πŸ˜€πŸ˜

Much love & light, always,

xoxo Kim




(suicide survivors)

“Risin’ up, straight to the top
Had the guts, got the glory
Went the distance, now I’m not gonna stop
Just a man and his will to survive”

Eye of the Tiger – Survivor – mobile

Eye of the Tiger – desktop

I met these beautiful souls Sunday morning! They were laughing because their big beautiful dog came running over to my dad and me. lol 😍❀ They lost someone close to them to suicide and they survived it! And they survive it each & every day and take their agony and use it for the good of others. πŸ’”β€ How heartbreaking but inspiring! ❀


















(this isn’t him & this isn’t my photo – i got it on the Afsp page! Isn’t s\he adorable!? There were so many adorable furkins there!! πŸ˜β€πŸ˜€ )

On Sunday morning I attended the Out of the Darkness walk for suicide prevention. The money that is donated goes to education and community programs to help save lives.

I have been told by a couple of people that paying money for these kinds of things is pointless, stupid, and a waste. I completely disagree because days, weeks, months, years of ongoing research and exploration can all add up to eventual breakthroughs, discoveries and enough skills, knowledge, and ideas to come up with a cure for something or to discover a way to make things better.Β 

When a cure or solution or important info. is found for something, I don’t think it was usually found in a day with no previous research, funding, education, developing of skills…it all adds up and the journey of exploration, experimenting, or searching itself is valuable. There can be smaller but still significant steps along the way. Also, these walks do not just help in a monetary way, they are so healing and inspiring just to see all those people who care to show up. Each person has been touched in some way personally or just deeply cares about the cause. And often, it’s already too late for the ones walking. Many of them already lost someone to whatever it is, suicide, cancer, asthma….but they want to walk to bring awareness to and show support for, and prevent it happening to others. During the suicide prevention walk, we all wear honor beads of various colors to show the way we have been impacted by suicide. Or to show that we just support prevention and awareness.Β 

I loved doing the walk. I always feared that a suicide prevention walk may be a trigger for me, especially now because I am just coming out of a severe depressive episode, a bad one, one of the worst ones I experienced and this thing has lasted longer than they have in a while.

But I gathered up my inner strength and my courage and attended! And I found the walk inspiring and healing. To be surrounded by people who understand the pain of mental health conditions is a great thing. There’s a kind of irony about it. It’s amazing to see so many people supporting suicide awareness & prevention and understanding the pain that overwhelms those with mental illness and those who care for them. It’s so great that so many care and act on their love for those who are sick and have died. But it’s also extremely devastating because most people there on those walks have lost someone to suicide and know that pain all too well. And many others there struggle themselves. So while it’s a great thing that so many care to come out and walk, it’s so unfortunate that so many have experienced something so tragic and that so many struggle with mental health problems.

But at the walks, we focus on the bright side. The awareness brought to suicide and the research and programs supported by donations have so much potential to save lives. And we see that none of us are alone in our struggle. While we dont ever want anyone to be afflicted with our pain, we know they are. So it’s great to come together and find each other and see the incredible love everyone has for those grieving for their lost ones and those of us struggling. We take our pain and turn it into something good, bringing light into so much darkness.Β 

We were all given beads of various colors. Whatever our personal relation to suicide\mental illness is, we are given beads to indicate that, so others can see and know that someone understands our pain intimately.


At first it felt so awkward wearing the beads, like I was advertising my condition. Everyone who looked at me knew so much just by the color of my beads. And most people there were not wearing the ones that are for a personal struggle; very tragically most seemed to have lost someone. Some individual people even wore just about all the colors to show they lost multiple people to suicide, parent, sibling, lover, friend, child….how tragic to lose even just one and some have lost many! πŸ’”

So, anyway, for a while I walked around with my arms trying to cover my beads. It felt as if I was flaunting a thing that shouldn’t be flaunted. I felt in a way like I did when i experienced my first psychiatric hospitalization years ago, after years of suffering in secrecy then telling all of my deepest, darkest pain to a doctor (who was extremely compassionate & understanding), a person I did not know. I felt stripped to the bone, like people can see right through me, right through my flesh and guts and whatever else, and see the darkness of me. Β But then I realized there was no need to conceal my beads! Everyone there understands. Even if they don’t struggle with suicidal inclination like I do, they love someone who does or someone who did and lost the battle or they were just there to support something they are passionate about even if they have no personal relation to it. No one was going to look at me and think “Psycho!” and even if they would have, so what? I know me and that’s really all that matters!πŸ˜€ It’s my light that is stronger than the darkness. My light always shines through. ❀


But as open about my condition both in person and online, as I am, see how still difficult it can be to let people in and know? Imagine what it’s like for people who aren’t open about it, to have to struggle and feel alone or try to conceal something so significant to them.

The great thing about wearing the beads is, others with the same struggle can feel a deep connection.


(I love this bracelet especially because it glows in the dark! How inspiring! I did not even know until I walked into a dark room and a green light came on. ❀)

One of the other things I loved about the walk is the general atmosphere; it was cheerful and positive. Even though it had to do with suicide, it wasn’t gloomy or dark. There were lots of smiles, singing, lots of laughing and chatting. One person even said “It’s a beautiful day!” And the scenery is beautiful, water, trees, flowers, stones, weeds, buildings, statues, grass, concrete, plants, people, dogs…So much positivity and beauty through all the pain that brought us together. I also love the universal love that is expressed. Most of us don’t know each other or all the other sufferers like us, but everyone there has a strong desire, a great passion to help and save others, even those we don’t know. A few people talking through speakers who lost a person close to them said the deaths of those they love inspires them to work to save someone else. As sad as it is it’s also beautiful. There’s nothing they can do now to bring back the victims but they can honor them, helping others like them live as survivors instead of becoming more victims. β€πŸ’”β€


I have met people or read stories written by people who have lost someone to suicide and said if their story or donation to research can save even just one life, just one, they will feel like the death of the one they love and lost isn’t so senseless and will feel as if their person is being honored and still living on in a way. I am so inspired and so shattered when i hear or read a sentiment like that. I am inspired to live for them. Even when it is difficult and seems impossible or completely pointless, I want to live so their deaths don’t have to be so senseless, so their people can have their wish of even just one life spared, fulfilled, even if they won’t know it. I want to live for all the suicide survivors who do all they can to save a life I want to carry on for all those we lost and all those struggling, to try to bring hope and inspiration to anyone I can in any way I can. Though I’m not a saint and not always kind and loving. Sometimes I argue with people, laugh at stuff I probably shouldn’t be laughing at, sometimes I reject favors someone asks of me….and that’s ok and probably true for most of us! We don’t have to be absolutely perfect to be perfect in our own way and to be loving, kind, compassionate, and generous in general. ❀


The thing about depression is that it does not necessarily get us to only see the negative or unpleasant side of life, as some may think. That is possible but not always so. Often with depression, we canΒ and do see the bright side, the goodness, the beauty, the love. We often can see the positive things. But it doesn’t matter. The pain or the numbness make it so nothing has purpose, nothing matters, the good things aren’t enough to cheer us or if we’re suicidal, not enough to get us to want to live. I’m not speaking for everyone with depression but this is my experience and the experience of many of us. Sometimes even when something brings me deep joy, like my dogs for example, or the holiday season or beauty of nature….it just is vanquished by the pain, the deep despair of depression. It’s not always that there’s no joy with depression; but when there is, often, it just feels like it doesn’t matter.

But it is possible to seize all the good things, all the beauty, all the good things we can do for others, and hold on for them even in the throes of suicidal depression. It may take practice for it to become easier to list and live for the good but I can tell you it is possible. Recently I found myself in a very dark place that I almost forgot exists. It frightened me because it got to the point where my pain and despair felt so profoundly and so frequently like I was in another world, another place, one that is dark and pointless and never ending. My pain was connected to nothing on Earth and I knew it. It was nothing at all to do with anything. It’s not that I had no problems(though I had nothing serious going on), just that they were not what was depressing me. Some people do have environmental depression that is beyond the grief or distress almost anyone would have in that situation. But this isn’t what I have usually. What I have more than environmental depression is a deep, inherent sense of purposelessness and despair that has nothing to do with what I have or do or dont have or do. I do not have low self esteem so this depression i have is not a secondary thing as a result of that. When it flares up though, it’s often a general sense of despair about nothing in particular. And it starts on the top of my head like something physical and invisible and so heavy just crushing my whole body beneath the terrible weight of it. It surrounds me and is within me. It makes it hard for me to stand.

I knew I was in a bad way when i got out of a shower one day recently and saw my sweet boy sitting on my bed, my lil pomchi. He looked so adorable and was wagging his tail at me and i felt so much love for him and so much joy well up in me. But my despair was just so deep and my joy was just drowned in the depression, even though I was able to still feel it. I wanted to die even though my dog brings me so much love and joy and happiness.

So, you see, it’s not that we feel we have nothing necessarily, just that it’s like nothing matters, like nothing can conquer that despair and purposelessness. Nothing. But it’s not true. Love & beauty can conquer this illness. This sickness I know so well. It is a sickness. I know this because I can feel it. When it reaches a certain depth, I can’t think that it’s anything but a dark sickness come to take me, suffocate me, consume me. A sickness that grips me so tightly in its bondage I can hardly breathe. My whole body feels it. But Love can conquer it. Love for anyone or anything we can love. Even if we still want to die, still are in deep pain or so numb we can’t feel a thing; even when joy is drowned in despair, there is a reason to push through. It’s so hard but so possible.



I live to bring hope to suicidal people. Hope that pain can end and until then, we can still live, still love, grasp any sliver of light we can. Even if the pain keeps coming back, it’s worth the struggle to live. And I live to bring hope to suicide survivors. Hope that the deaths of those they love and lost are not in vain. Their stories touch me; their love lifts me. I wish they never died but since they did and that cannot be changed, their pain can be used for goodness. I will keep giving, keep sharing, keep loving, keep living. I will always live to love even if I don’t always love to live. ❀ And I hope everyone else will too, no matter how hard it can get.





(A boy was carrying this sign Sunday, holding it up for anyone & everyone to see and I wanted to get a picture but did not have the chance then later i saw it on this rail thing here! This kind young man brought me so much love & hope with this act of love for all of us. Wishing us love and positivity even though he doesn’t know us is a perfect example of someone surrendering to universal love. ❀😍)

Much love & light to you, always!! πŸ˜πŸ˜€β€ And lots of hugs! Keep letting your light shine on us all. The world needs all of us. ❀

xoxo Kim