Archive | July 2017

Kindness♡

(Diane – July 14, 1956 – February 14, 2015)

“Treat everyone with kindness, even those who are rude to you – not because they are kind, but because you are.”

I wrote this about a week ago but never posted it so here it is!

Recently, I have had some difficult interactions with some people acting unreasonably and petty. I have been pissed for the last couple days and so distressed it triggered a severe flareup of my chronic pain disorder. Last night I laid awake in agony. It was one of my worst experiences. I felt like I was going insane. And it’s all my own doing. I let those people drive me to this point.
Today when I was out walking, I caught myself thinking of ways to unleash my anger in unpleasant ways. I wanted people to know what I think of them (it’s definitely not kind, loving thoughts!) and I realized that my usual kind, loving, patient self was pushed aside and very unpleasant, destructive emotions took the place of the love & patience I usually experience & display.

While I was standing there dwelling on my resentment for the people I had unpleasant encounters with and conjuring up unkind ways to let them know of my resentment, I thought of Diane. My close friend who always talked to and about me and bragged about me like I was her own daughter. She has three sons and grandchildren but no daughter of her own. Her love for me always seemed like a mother’s love. 

I used to have it planned to have a job working with people with “extra/special” needs. Diane knew that those kinds of jobs arent the easiest and not always pleasant. She worked at a hospital for a while. She told me one of her worst fears was that I would lose my patience, softness, warmth, kindness….if I had to encounter people who are not easy to deal with. She said she couldn’t bear to think of me changing. As I write this, my heart wells up with gratitude, love, warmth….someone who loved me so much, the real me, that she was terrified of me changing! To have a love like that is a blessing. Diane is no longer is this world and I still struggle so hard with my deep grief, even years later, but not once since losing her have I ever felt that I lost her love. I carry it with me always. Her love for me will survive as long as I do. And even longer since I have stories about her in my writing here. 

Diane wasn’t what people would probably describe as “warm” or “soft.” She was loud, assertive, sarcastic, outspoken. We knew when she was pissed, when she had a problem with us, when she was fed up, when she loved us; she did not hold back. On multiple occasions, she threatened to kick my ass. The very last word I heard her say before she was taken so suddenly, so unexpectedly, was “unfuckingbelievable.” She said this then slammed a window in my face. I still smile & laugh when I remember this. 

She cursed a lot and even yelled at people. But she was deeply compassionate, extremely generous, caring, loving…she cared for people with drug addiction, mental health problems, financial problems(which she struggled with herself). She always gave to others what she hardly had herself. She would go above & beyond to help people; even those who wouldn’t do the same for her.

 She never gossiped about others. If she had something to say, she said it right to our faces. She wasn’t always pleasant, though she often was. I did not always care for her sarcasm, especially when I first met her, many years ago. She did not have the patience I have. But I have always loved her (and still love her!) just how she was.

I love how she did not want me to be like her; she wanted me to be just how I am. Always. 

Since she died a couple years ago I have struggled to find ways to honor her life. I have a silver necklace with her name engraved, have performed acts of kindness in her memory, posted things about her…all which I find healing to some degree. But I have just kept having this inkling that there must be more. A more profound way to keep her memory, her love going. And I have longed for a deeper healing. 

Then as I was standing outside, contemplating a kind of revenge, giving into thoughts & emotions of anger, aggression, destruction….I thought of her and her worst fear. Her fear that I would let others drag me down to the point that I stop being kind, patient, loving, warm. And I made the decision right then and there that for her, I won’t give in. I won’t give into the temptation to seek revenge, to lash out, to say or do something unkind to someone for doing that to me. I would never become bitter & unkind completely but I can temporarily slip into those things.

There may be occasions in this life that I will be less patient, less kind, less warm, than I am, but I will let Diane’s love for me, wash over me and inspire me to let my love ultimately prevail. I choose to not let this difficult situation with these difficult people drag me so low that I act in destructive ways towards them or myself. 

What better way to honor Diane than to keep shining my own light, the light she was so afraid would be snuffed by difficult circumstances? I will keep shining, keep smiling, and keep trying to lift others along the way. ♡

 I would love to invite everyone to join me on my journey of love!

I hope you are having a beautiful day or night wherever in the world you are. ♡ Hugs to you. ♡

Much love & light, always,

Xoxo Kim

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Sad eyes {look at the bright side}

“Looks like it’s over
You knew I couldn’t stay
She’s coming home today
We’ve had a good thing
I’ll miss your sweet love
Why must you look at me that way
It’s over”

One of the most difficult aspects of my job is taking care of people’s pets for days, sometimes even sleeping overnight at their houses/apartments, while the people are away on business trips or vacation and then the people come home and I have to give the babies back. They often sleep in bed with me at night and in just a couple days I become accustomed to all their cute little ways, the noises they make, the way they eat, play, look at me…and even though I know i shouldnt, i become so attached! It’s so painful but I love the job!! Most of my job is happy, pleasant, cheerful. The animals all have happy, loving furever homes with their humans who love them as their children. There are definitely some heartbreaking moments though, like having to say goodbye to my little furkins, hearing about ones who die or become sick, ones moving away who I don’t get to see anymore…so heartbroken….

It’s not just saying goodbye after days of being the sole caretaker of the animals but sometimes even saying goodbye til tomorrow or even later the same day! Lol Some animals, just like some people, we may just have a deeper connection with or some just seem more sad to see me go. It’s one of the deepest kinds of heartbreak I have ever known. To see a furbaby who isn’t mine but feels like mine, looking back at me with sad eyes, not understanding why I have to leave. But it’s worth the pain, to have the job that I have.

One of the things I find to be healing, is to remember & cherish all the happy moments with the little babies. There’s so many. Remembering a happy occasion can take us right back to that happy place! Almost like reliving it.

In the midst of grief though, remembering happy moments can actually deepen the painful feelings of loss, sadness, grief. But it can really help to instead focus on the love and try to revive those happy occasions.

This song sums it up perfectly.

“Try to remember
The magic that we shared
In time your broken heart will mend
I never used you
You knew I really cared
I hate to say it at the end
But it’s over”

I always listen to this song when I’m especially sad about leaving one of my babies. It’s a great source of consolation.

In the song, they know it’s only temporary, the relationship they have with one another. Just as I know my stay with my babies is only temporary. It doesn’t take away the sadness of leaving but if we keep remembering this is only temporary and take in all the beauty of the present moments, it can help lessen the grief a bit. Let there be no regrets. Live fully and love deeply.

 And as the saying goes “It’s better to have loved & lost than to never have loved.”

It’s a beautiful gift to get to care for & love all these sweet babies! Even though they aren’t mine and I have to give them back in the end, loving them is worth it.

If you ever feel sad about losing something or someone, remember to dwell on the happy moments shared together or experienced instead of the loss and sadness. Everything is a gift. Loss of any kind is painful but we only experience loss because we have a gift in the first place. We never had to be “given” this sweet gift but we were.

“How wonderful it is to have something that makes saying goodbye so difficult.”

Sad Eyes – desktop 

Sad Eyes – mobile 
Much love & light to you, always. ~Hugs~


Xoxo Kim 

Summer Love♡

Summer is my least favorite season. Excessive heat tends to get me more than any other extreme weather. Also, Summer themes (beach, vacations, bbqs, pools…) just don’t appeal to me as much as Fall & Winter themes (holidays, pumpkins, snow, hot chocolate…). For work, i have to be outside for much of the day, everyday, which can contribute to it being easier to see the unpleasant side of Summer. So I decided to focus on the goodness of Summer and list all the things I love about it!

Here goes!

1.) Waiting for a bus is much easier (in my opinion) when it’s very hot than very cold. It’s hard to be still in bitter cold weather.

2.) It’s often more pleasant to sit in a park on a hot Summer day than a freezing cold Winter day. As I said above, it’s hard to be still when it’s extremely cold. Also, I love the sounds of the birds and people and dogs in the park all around me.

3.) All the beautiful people and animals out & about on a warm Summer day. I love being surrounded by all the living things.

4.) The insects, birds…. I love all the butterflies and fireflies and other beautiful creatures all around.

5.) Walking by cafes and restaurants with outside tables and seeing all the people happy & laughing together.

6.) Flowers & plants & trees with green leaves!

7.) The feel of walking into an air conditioned building after being out in the heat.

8.) The feel of stepping out of a freezing cold air conditioned building into a lovely summer day. The heat feels so welcoming then.

9.) Tropical scents

10.) Gentle summer breezes

11.) Crickets churring at night

12.) Suntans! I love getting a natural tan walking in the sunlight!

13.) Carnivals!

14.) Cold showers

15.) It eventually ends & gives way to Fall! 

 

So here are a few of my favorite things about Summer!!

It’s always great to focus on the bright side. And there’s always a bright side! If not, create one! Think of something you don’t care for or something that just isn’t your favorite then list the good things that still exist about it or the positive things as a result of it. This strengthens our mind to develop or maintain a positive attitude. It’s also so uplifting to list the good.

I hope you are having a beautiful day or night wherever in the world you are! 

Much love & light,

Xoxo Kim