Archive | January 2020

The House on Pine Street🏩 And raising our vibration❀

There is a movie I watched, horror/psychological/supernatural thriller. It’s on Amazon Prime so no cost if we subscribe to that. I would give it five or whatever is the most stars but I am very, very easy to please and love just about everything. I do not care about “bad acting” or “bad lighting.” And do not have an issue with very unoriginal plots. I love B-grade movies and traditional plots just as much as better quality, more creative movies . I did not notice any bad acting/lighting/writing in this movie or anything but I’m not always good at judging since Im so happy with like anything. Lol So if I give something the most stars, you may not want to take my word for it if you are only into very good quality movies. My boss says this is also true about me with people; he said there can be a terrible person and all I see is the good!

Some movies I do turn off right away because the quality is way too bad(like camera shaking when it’s not supposed to be, for example) or the movie is very boring(and im hard to bore lol) right off but mostly, Im easily satisfied.
It’s called “The House on Pine Street.” It’s like a ghost movie but the viewer may also wonder if it’s really ghosts or the woman is insane/psychotic. Maybe not very original but very good!!

There will not be any big spoilers here. But there will be a couple inspiring movie quotes. I wont give away the ending or any important details but if you want to see the movie first, click this off! And be sure to come back later!

The young woman is struggling with an unplanned and very unwanted pregnancy. We know this after reading the movie description. Her husband decides they should get away for a while and move to the place where she grew up, for a few months, and move back after the baby is born. She is very unhappy about this plan but she goes along with it. She does not get along well with her mom and her mom lives close to where they move and comes by for unexpected visits, which the young woman is unhappy about. She is unhappy about just about everything in her life, currently. She is especially extremely unhappy about the surprise baby.

She begins to suspect the house they move into is haunted. Strange things begin to occur and quickly escalates. No one else seems to notice and they think she is off her rocker, especially because she already recently had a mental health issue triggered by the unwelcome pregnancy.

Here are the quotes. They can apply to any life situation:

“Let’s say you go into a place that has a lot of energy hanging around it, your house say; if you go into a place like that and you’re going through something, stress, anger, a lot of sorrow, regret, anything, well all that energy you’re pouring out is going to bump up against the energy that’s already there; it’s going to rough it up, you see, mess with it and then that energy that was there is going to change; it’s going to react. Im not saying that’s exactly what’s happening in your house but I am saying that we often forget that we’re constantly affecting everything around us, people, environments, old houses in Kansas.”

“You moved into that house and you hated it. You hated this town; you hated your mother; you hated your husband for bringing you here; and most of all you hated that baby inside you and what it did to your perfect life. From all I can see, you’ve done nothing but hate. Are you really surprised that the house started to hate back?”

“Youre too blinded by your search to find something or someone else to blame, arent you? We’ll there are things much bigger than us, Jennifer, things that aren’t so easily categorized or controlled. You might have better luck if you stopped trying to push everything the way you wanted it to go and started looking at the source.”

If we go into something with an already lousy attitude, we will receive even more unpleasant things. Everywhere we look, everywhere we go, things will suck. People, situations, things…will seem to respond to us with even more negativity. We get what we put out. Everything does have energy, pleasant or unpleasant, and we can affect it or let it affect us or reciprocate. Like this character explains, the energy of wherever we are and our own energy can feed off of each other, perpetuate.

So let’s keep our energy positive & safe against whatever negative or life-draining energy is out there! Let our own energy be so powerfully positive that it touches the energy of everything & everyone else for the better!

Here are some things we can do to keep our energy positive. These are things I do myself and love!

Read something positive(quotes, books, short stories)
One of my favorite positive books is an old one called Pollyanna – Eleanor H. Porter about a little girl who is extremely positive even though her and her dad have not had the easiest life; then she suffers a terrible, life-changing, accident and her spirit is crushed. It’s a very uplifting, beautiful story, not tragic or dark. There is some tragedy and sadness involved but it’s ultimately a very happy story with a beautiful life lesson. It’s a life-changing story if we allow it to inspire us and take action to make our own life even more beautiful.

Keep social media newsfeed positive or look for the positive accounts.
My Instagram & Blog space/friends/followers are very positive but Facebook newsfeed and many friends on there(most are strangers/online friends) are very, very negative. They are vicious, vengeful, abusive. My newsfeed is full of political rants, arguments over religion & politics every single day without exception(there is not one day I open fb app & do not see angry/grim posts), people acting in a sanctimonious manner as if they are above the rest in morality, wisdom, intelligence, death wishes for Donald & his followers and others…I often receive a negative comment/message and expect to receive negative comments on there even on the most pleasant/non-controversial posts that I share or just in my inbox for seemingly no reason or a misunderstanding. I am never surprised to wake up and find an unpleasant comment/message waiting for me. I anticipate it.

When I see a notification about a comment/message, automatically I half expect it to be not very kind. Not because I have a negative attitude but because I see how it is everyday on my account. I do receive more positive messages than not but definitely receive a good amount of negative. And I just see it in general in my newsfeed directed at humanity or certain groups of people in general.
They even write negative comments on pictures of me(not everyone & not always but it does happen) or send me inbox messages with insults about my physical appearance/clothing style; I get called ugly, slutty, a bitch, rude, stupid, and whatever else. I receive messages telling me to get off their friends lists because they don’t like my views on things or even merely because I do share their views but still accept those who do not share our view, even something like universal love or positive thinking or not hating others.

I have received insults for not loathing Muslim people, for not wanting Muslim people dead, for voting for the Green party, for not loathing Donald and his followers’ guts(I would not vote for him and do not share most of his views but he is a sentient being and I love him as one – is he despicable in some ways or acts in a despicable way? Yes! But he’s also a sentient being and I do not wish him death, sickness, and other unnecessary misfortune, & because of this, I have been the target of insults, even death wishes[not threats, just wishes!]), for forgetting to vote(sometimes I forget – I work seven days a week, often morning til night & sometimes overnight), for being pro-life in general(not killing insects, animals, the unborn…but i dont negatively judge those who are not pro-life, have/pay for abortions, kill insects…i love everyone!!) Many people only comment when they disagree with me and do not like something. Some have never written one positive or agreeable or even neutral thing to me but they jump in an instant to let me know when they are very unhappy with me. I have people as facebook friends who have been my friend on there for years and have never written me one positive thing in all those years, only negative. Some of them it gets to the point where I block(if I merely unfriend the account, the people often still write to me lol so I block it) their account because they go way overboard with their comments( for example, one person not very long ago who only ever wrote negative things began writing homophobic things on my content) but usually, I do not unfriend/block them.

Also, there are men writing sexual things they want to do with me. Eww sometimes that makes my skin crawl!

Someone explained to me that when men write/say that stuff to me, they aren’t just saying/implying that I’m pretty like aesthetically; they are being pervs. I already had an idea of this but when they say stuff like that, I automatically see the implied compliment that I am beautiful/pretty. My brain often automatically “skips” much of the sexual message or more fully perceives the aesthetic in it. Sometimes I am flattered and sometimes grossed out. Lol

You’ll have to find a woman(or whatever gender) who is into hooking up with men because I’m sure as heck not! I don’t swing that way, never have. But it’s ok; we can still be friends!😊

In the words of M.C. Hammer…

U Can’t Touch This -MC

Sorry bruh, you can’t touch this.πŸ˜‚πŸ˜­πŸ€£πŸ˜Ή

I keep my account public and let anyone comment, even non-friends, on there and I accept almost anyone as a facebook friend and this is the way I plan on keeping it. People come out of nowhere & like/comment on/share my posts even if we are not friends on there n have no friends in common. I do not post anything political, just because it’s not very much my thing, not because i dont want people to know my views. I do not post very controversial content. Most of my content is funny (not offensive funny, just funny funny) and loving. But still, they find something to dislike about it. And when someone asks me my political/religious views, I tell the truth. And they do not always like it. I do like some political posts and occasionally comment on some. I keep the fb account open to the public in case anyone is uplifted/inspired by the content I share. This is at the risk of encountering some very negative attention but worth it.

I usually do not respond to the toxic comments and if I do, it’s always in a pleasant or at least non-vicious way. I have responded negatively before on occasion but now made a choice to rise above that. The comments usually do not get to me, just irk me if anything, but even if they do provoke me to be angry/disturbed, I won’t respond negatively anymore. I do not want to put that kind of energy out into the uni-verse and also, trolls want that and it will just encourage more of their unfortunate behavior. They want negative attention. It will not insult them; they are hoping for it so they can keep negative dialogue going. Best just to let it go.

I do not read much of the things on my newsfeed because of the vitriol. I only post positive things, that can usually apply to anyone, and I know some accounts/groups/pages/people who are only or almost always positive and I look for their accounts. So I would suggest to either only have mostly people who post positive content as friends, skip the negative if we do have some who post negativity, or stay off social media/certain social media accounts, if that is appealing. Either way, block out that negativity or just roll with it.
I do not see/check all of my notifications but the ones I see are usually positive; it’s just there is too much negative thrown in.

Focus on the good no matter how unpleasant things are currently – the sunlight, whatever good things we still do have, a house, enough money even if it’s not a lot, food, pets, friends, family, our health, certain skills…whatever good is around and within! Anything that goes right today, no matter how seemingly simple or trivial, celebrate it, savor it, give thanks. Recently, I spilled hot chocolate and thought it was on my new, pretty pink coat but when I checked, it wasn’t! I stopped for a minute to feel the gratitude(I did spill a latte on it later though and then iced tea – I’m a klutz) One day, i had to use a lock that is difficult. It may or may not work on any given occasion and that day, it worked. I acknowledged it and let it uplift me. I really experienced gratitude to a depth that may be considered disproportionate for the situation. I was just so, so thankful this simple thing happened to go right. And it can be so frustrating having to play with a lock for so long before it locks or opens. Sometimes a lock not working has even infuriated me. I have to deal with locks frequently for work. It is beyond a hassle when they don’t work properly.
And when difficult ones go right, it calls for celebration.

We can take little things like this for granted and go about our day just forgetting or stop for two seconds and consciously experience the gratitude. This life is made up of little gifts in each moment. Let us acknowledge them! It brings more love, beauty, & joy into each day.

Create a positive play list of happy/cheerful/uplifting/funny songs/music. If we are a hearing person. I know some people are deaf and do not listen to music. I’m not excluding anyone; this is just for us who can hear.

These are just some of my many favorite happy/pumped up songs!

Happiest Girl in the Whole U.S.A

This song seriously helped me cope with a severe suicidal depressive episode once. The worst one I was ever hit with. I usually feel that I am the happiest girl in the world. Lol I have a natural positive disposition but I have also experienced depression. Depression is nothing to do with our personality or natural inclination for happiness. Some people are just naturally not happy people but not depressed. And the most naturally happy person can struggle with severe depression. I have always been super happy with a positive attitude. Even when I am depressed, so depressed, I cannot tell where the depression ends and I begin, I can feel my natural positive self underneath. This song reminded me during that suicidal depressive episode, that I once felt like I was the happiest girl in the whole usa and if I felt that way before, I can again. Also the tune is so uplifting and the lyrics are cute. She is singing about how happy her man makes her. Lol I dont have, have never had, and have never wanted a man to be happy about in a romantic way but am just happy in general.

Baby’s Got Her Blue Jeans On

This is another song that helped me cope with a very bad depressive episode. It’s a cheery, funny, uplifting song about a pretty girl in blue jeans who everyone stops and stares at because she’s so lovely. People run to their windows to get a look as she’s walking by, they nearly break their necks looking when they see her outside, and her beauty is even responsible for traffic jams! I love pretty girls in blue jeans too! 😍

I’m Too Sexy

I’m so sexy, it hurts. πŸ˜‚πŸ€£

It’s a Great Day to Be Alive

Eye of the Tiger

This song has helped me cope with physical pain. Like depression, I have experienced episodes of severe physical pain. It’s a facial pain disorder. It’s usually not bad but can be devastating at some points. This is a song about surviving.
So inspiring!

King of Wishful Thinking

(this is a sad breakup song but his attitude and the music is uplifting)

Get outta my Dreams, Get into my car

Caribbean Queen

“She’s simply awesome…She dashed by me in painted on jeans
And all heads turned ’cause she was the dream”

“I lose my cool when she steps in the room
And I get so excited just from her perfume
Electric eyes that you can’t ignore
And passion burns you like never before”

Well if this song doesn’t get you absolutely pumped, what will?

Private Eyes

They’re watching you, girl! (Lol ok so that seems kind of creepy🀣)

Every step you take, every move you make, I’ll be watching you, baby! Oh, no wait…that’s a different song🀣😭

Man Eater

She’s a strong, powerful woman, so watch out boy….she’ll chew you up. And spit you out like old gum she no longer has any use for. Don’t mess with the tigress. She’s out of your league.

“The beauty is there but a beast is in the heart.”πŸ’œ

I wouldn’t if I were you.

She’s deadly, man.πŸ–€

I wouldn’t even think about it.

You’re a Movie

“Another day, another victory.”

This is a song about confidence and taking on the world! It’s also kind of funny! The man is full of himself! Lolz

Standing on a corner – Dean Martin

Baby Makes Her Blue Jeans Talk – Dr. Hook

Another song about a beautiful babe in blue jeans! And there’s a pretty girl in this video! Very uplifting
(Can you tell I like my girls in blue jeans? 😍😊Lol I think I prefer a hottie in leggins though – even sexier -Especially if she’s wearing stilettos.)

Girl Watcher – O’Kaysions

When you’re in Love with a Beautiful Woman – dr. Hook (extended version)

If you’re looking for some eye candy, check out this video!! I would definitely have more diversity here though if I were making a video like this. Every single woman in this video is beyond beautiful but I would also add some non-white women and also ones who are not thin along with all the ones here. And different ages. Young, thin, long hair, and white is not the only beautiful! That is beautiful too, for sure, just not the only kind. Also, I love this extended version. And before any feminists flip out on me(lol jk)I know there are more important things than physical beauty; that’s just one thing I love. I just can’t help it; pretty girls are my weakness!

Bad Mama Jama

“She’s built, she’s stacked”

Oh yes she is!

“All the curves that men like…
Got all the curves men like”

She got all the curves that I like too!

“I get so excited
Viewing her anatomy”

So do I, bro!

Another fun, uplifting, catchy song!

In case you can’t tell, I have a thing for pretty girls. When I was a young girl and used to go to my dad’s work office, I used to sneak the playboy magazines they had hidden in there. I knew where they kept the stash and used to carry off with them and steal away into the closet flipping through them. I just loved looking at all those pretty girls.😍 (still do)

I’m not shallow or objectifying. I know there is much more to a woman than her physical beauty but nothing wrong with also acknowledging it! Women(Including trans women and trans people with physical feminine features)are the most beautiful creatures on the face of this Earth. ❀

Me!❀

Beast of Burden – Bette Midler

I LOVE this version by Bette Midler! The tone, singing, and all is more passionate, in my opinion, than the original. I also love the general feminist stance it seems to convey, whether or not it’s intentional. It’s about the unfortunate situation of men using women for their own pleasure, not caring about what the woman wants, thinks, feels. She sings about her little sister being a pretty, pretty girl who men use then throw away and her sister asks what’s the matter with her and wonders if maybe she is not good enough in some way. “Little sister” doesn’t just have to be her actual sister but can be symbolic of any woman or women/girls in general. The tone is so uplifting and the video is hilarious and inspiring! I love it!! Even though this song seems to have romantic or sexual overtones, I see it in a platonic way & I can relate to it but in a platonic way. Maybe most of us can. Haven’t you ever had a friend use you or only come around when the person wants something and doesn’t seem to value the friendship itself? I love how this song conveys the pain of that but with a passionate, pumped up tone. I am not being heterosexist. It’s just that this song/video seems to be about men using women. I know not all romantic relationships involve a man and a woman. There can me two men/two women/other genders…Not everyone is either male or female. Some are non-binary, agender, bigender, trigender, I think pangender, genderfluid, genderqueer…I acknowledge and support all. πŸ³οΈβ€πŸŒˆπŸ³οΈβ€πŸŒˆπŸ³οΈβ€πŸŒˆ

And I love Bette’s sense of humor! I have always loved her! I never met or talked to her but she is one of my favorite people. I have always felt some sense of connection to her. I will admit, many years ago, my opinion of her was lowered once after seeing her in an interview where she was asked her opinion on same-sex marriage. I do not remember exactly what she said but remember the gist of it and her careless attitude on the subject. Something like same-sex marriage should be legal because “it’s not hurting anyone” and her tone was kind of just like “meh, who cares either way but why the hell not…it’s not hurting anyone” I felt a crushing sensation in my chest. The way she acted as if it’s just a luxury heteros can just happen to afford to extend to those “less fortunate” or “second class,” as if it’s not a basic right and as if equality is not crucial. My first thought, automatically upon hearing her view was “Well, fuck you Bette Midler!” And I looked at the comment section on the video and the first one I saw was “Well fuck you Bette Midler!” Lol I was satisfied that my literal, exact sentiment was voiced out loud (or at least written) by someone else.
But anyway, I still love Bette and she is very sexy with a sexy attitude!

Breathe out deeply – Breathe in deeply and slowly through the nose and breathe out even more slowly and deeply. The chest should not move, just the abdomen(this is the healthiest, most relaxing way to breathe). I love the feeling of breathing out and it works wonders for relaxing the body even if we’re not anxious or anything; it just has a soothing, cathartic effect. And is very pleasurable.

We can imagine breathing in bright, white light that sparkles and is everything good and imagine breathing out dark smoke and breathing out words like “tension,” “stress,” “pain,” “fear…..” or we can imagine breathing out love into the world.

Listen to/meditate to Weightless – 8 minute long version – or Official 10 hour long version considered to be the most calming song in the world.

It’s scientifically tested and works well. May be better to listen at night as it may provoke drowsiness.

Neuroscience Says Listening to This Song Reduces Anxiety by Up to 65 Percent

Do simple, uplifting things – paint nails in pretty, uplifting colors (if we are into nail polish), wear pretty/inspiring jewelry, clothes that we love for any reason…just catching a glimpse of something pretty, inspiring, lovely, even just a nail polish color…can be so uplifting. Sometimes I wear pj’s outside all day and notice it’s much more uplifting when I wear regular clothes out. Someone else may wear pj’s and not have this experience but the point is wear whatever clothes bring out the positive feelings. I like wearing tight clothes, leggins, short shirts, even in Winter and wear inspiring jewelry like with a lotus flower, om symbol, Buddha….

Go for a stroll in the sunshine or whatever weather is uplifting to us. I love walking in the rain! It’s like I don’t have a care in the world when I’m walking in a light, rainy mist. Like nothing can touch me.

Just me!πŸ’œ

Watch a fun comedy movie – I love horror movies and watch them frequently. They are my guilty pleasure. I fall asleep watching them. Recently I even had a nightmare about one and I do not have nightmares!! Or any bad dreams! Almost never.
I love horror movies but if I watch a lot of them very close together for a while, I sometimes begin to sense them wearing on my energy, draining it, affecting it in a less than positive way. They are fun & thrilling, sometimes thought-provoking. They keep us guessing and are exciting. But they are negative. Killings, fear, horror, attacks, violence, jumpiness…not very good for the mind. I do notice myself a bit jumpy if I watch them a lot. Some drs have reccommended people with depression/anxiety not watch them ever even if not currently depressed or anxious and some have suggested no one watch them ever. It makes sense. They’re grusome, dark, negative…but they are just too fun and thrilling for those of us who love them! I do not watch true criminal movies. Only fiction. I dont like real violence or criminal acts and don’t get off on the real suffering of others.
Thankfully, I also love sappy, cheesy comedies! These are uplifting, cute, inspiring, funny…and good to throw them into the mix so as not to be weighted down by the horror. How about watching a sweet rom com or bestfriend movie! It seems like a kind of irony that this whole post is based on a horror movie and Im suggesting we lay off the horror. Lol Horror movies can be quite inspiring as well. They are often based on or involve a will to survive. But balance is good.
Some movies I love are What Happens in Vegas, Dumb & Dumber, For a Good Time, Call, Employee of the Month, Miss Congeniality, Jinxed…I just go to the comedy section on movie apps and see what I can find! I love kiddie/family movies!

Color – I have coloring books and something called Zentangle(a form of drawing for any ages/ability levels). It’s very calming & fun and simple. No skills needed! I don’t always color a lot but sometimes in the mood for it.

Compliment others, even strangers, sincerely. I’m sometimes too shy to do this but when I do get up the courage, it brightens someone else’s day! This puts positive energy out into the uni-verse.

Random acts of kindness or any act of kindness. Smile at strangers, make eye contact, buy food for a homeless person, give someone working a tip, give bread to squirrels/pigeons/sparrows, put cards with uplifting quotes around for random people to find…

Save a life or threeβ€πŸ’š

Red Cross

Meditate – My favorite meditation music: Prayer to Kuan Yin (Kuan Yin is goddess of mercy)

Some other favorites:

Miraculii Invoking Prayer & Meditation with binaural beats

Kuan Yin Rosary of Mercy

Primitive Emancipation

And whatever else brings feelings of joy, love, inspiration, calmness! You can add your own! Let’s just remember to keep that energy positive. Vibrate higher and let our loving energy be what permeates the environment around us and dominates. Even if our schedule is very busy, we can try to take even just a few minutes to do something positive or uplifting, even just five minutes of conscious breathing.

Much love to you wherever in the world you are! I wish you peace, love, & light.

Xoxo Kim❀

When things fall apart❀

(Not my image)

“No one’s head aches when he is comforting another.”

In the beginning of December(the December that was just here like two seconds ago), I bought a book, at Book Traders, in Olde City, Philadelphia, “When Things Fall Apart,” by Pema Chodron. It’s a Buddhist book that can apply to everyone. It’s a guide for how to handle fear and other unpleasant emotions when things are difficult in life. I was currently not experiencing anything difficult when I saw the book on the shelf and for the most part do not have many struggles in life or anything too severe in general, and so was not inclined to buy it, even though it seems like a very good book, but felt drawn to it for some reason. I love self-help/personal development books even if they are not ones I really need(not that I “need” any self help books but if we struggle with a certain issue, books on that topic may be helpful). For example, books about general anxiety or self-esteem issues, I have never struggled with serious general anxiety or self esteem issues(other than sometimes when I would be very depressed – I was diagnosed many years ago with Major Depressive Disorder and have been suicidal for years but much better now) but often find that even they have inspiring, uplifting things that can apply to me or are just pleasant to read. I especially love Buddhist books. I only had a limited amount of money for the bookstore and wanted to use it wisely! I kept going back to it, feeling that “pull.”

So I bought this book even though things were looking up and not difficult for me then.

Not long after I bought the book, my world crumbled on top of me. Again. And I was shattered to pieces.

Shattered to pieces.

Shattered. To pieces.

I wondered if I would, could ever be put back together again.

I have these “headaches.” They are not frequent but are shattering. There is no effective treatment currently known for them. They’re like cluster headaches. The source of the pain is in my jaw, not actually my head. It feels like a throbbing toothache but way, way worse than that, along with severe burning pain on the one side of my face & head. Like a hot rod being driven through the eye-socket. Like scalding hot water running down the one side of my face, taking all my skin off with it. It can feel like broken glass moving around inside my face or like someone clawing at all the muscles/joints/inner skin/elastic tendon; they feel like an icepick going through my temple, like part of my head being sliced off….They ruin me.

The pain can come and go off and on for days until it goes away for good(then comes back maybe the next year or more or sometimes sooner). It usually happens at night more than during the day.

Ultimately/Generally, I do not mind that I have these headaches. They are excruciating but it is what it is and they are rare; I don’t get them often. Once in a blue moon. Usually during Winter months, especially in December. They last a few days then gone!

I was hit with a couple somewhat recently. Ouch! I havent had one this bad in so long, I forgot how to handle them and found myself wanting to scream and hit my face(this kind of pain can provoke us to have the overwhelming urge to hit our face/head or bang it against a wall – it’s an unfathomable level of pain). I used to scream all night when I would have them years ago til my throat was raw, I lost my voice, and my mouth tasted of blood. I can’t remain still with them. I have to pace constantly all night long into the morning. Wringing my hands, keeling over, sometimes. I have once stayed awake for four days & nights straight with them. Not one moment of sleep in 4 days & nights. This was many years ago.

It’s a nightmare.

Hell on Earth.

They devastate my entire existence. They are powerful.

When I have these headaches and shortly after they end and when I vividly remember them even if I havent recently experienced one, I am reminded of the suffering and potential suffering of all of the world, of all sentient life. My deep empathy is brought out even more deeply. My compassion is set on fire and I long to heal the whole world but in a good way, not a depressing, helpless feeling even though I cant heal the world as I do not have that power. Just the feeling of that kind of compassion for others is beautiful and inspiring. Just to be in that state. These headaches inspire that compassion even more deeply in me.

When I get these headaches I am so, so happy for everyone who does not have them. Everyone I look at anywhere I go, I think at least that person is not suffering with one of these. And it’s so beautiful. Always, that heals me to think I am so thankful it’s me and not them. I want to take on all the head pain (and any other kind of pain that exists) there is in this life so no one else ever has to experience it, even if it would make my own pain worse, sevenfold.

These headaches rip me open and I am stripped to the bone. All layers of various experiences pulled back and stripped away, discarded, disregarded, dismissed. Specifics no longer matter. Raw agony effecting something universal. It is beautiful. It is agonizing.

All my innermost wisdom, my deep knowing, rising to the surface and bleeding out onto the world like hot, hot, hot lava. My face burning and throbbing and aching, the pain pulsing & screaming & burning relentlessly. Ripping me apart. Tearing me to shreds. Burning. Screaming. Burning.

Cruelty like I have never known before.

Cruelty.

Cruelty.

Torture.

Cruelty.

I brace myself as I begin my descent back to some primitive state, something animalistic unleashed in me, losing all sense of reasoning, all conditioning, all knowledge of human language, as I want to scream like a wounded animal in the night who knows nothing but anguish. I have always felt that they reduce me to half the woman I am and chain me to a world where there is nothing but fear & pain, and myself, where I lay amid the ruin of a life that a mere few seconds ago was complete, whole, sane…then destroyed in a matter of seconds, without warning. Without warning, I am a wreck on the floor in the fetal position holding or hitting my face and head, confined to Hell. Screaming in my head. Without warning, I am roaming the night, like a hungry ghost, screaming for some relief that never seems to come. Without warning, there is just fear and pain and me. And agonized screams that taste like blood.

With these headaches, I come face to face with the primal connection we all share, the basic humanness, the sentience, the potential. The underneath. And it is beautiful. So beautiful. To experience ruin like this so deeply, is a gift.

With these headaches, I know insanity; I know addiction; I know homelessness; I know all physical & emotional ailments; I know loss of all sorts; I know hunger & poverty & war & ugliness. I know callousness. I know what it is to be a criminal, a thief, a traitor. A wild animal. With these headaches, I am the predator and I am the prey.

I don’t know all of these things on the surface as I have never experienced them all themselves but I am intimate with the underpinnings, the core, the soul of them.

Through these headaches, I know destruction; I know desperation, despair, agony; I know impulse, rawness, destitution, longing, fear. I know aggression. I know Sickness. Something primitive. I am reunited with the most ancient ancestors and everyone who has come before me since the world began.

I know something gutteral. I know ruin.

And through this, I also know tenderness, compassion, love, humility. Beauty. Empathy. Gentleness. Oneness. I know wholeness. I know complete strangers who I will never meet or lay eyes on. I know beings who haven’t yet come into the world.

There is something about the raw, unearthly pain of these hellish headaches that deeply humbles me and allows me to experience a deep, deep oneness with all sentient life in a kind of way that nothing else does. I experience that oneness anyway but these headaches allow me a deeper intimacy with it. To know it at a greater depth. They allow me the advantage of breadth of all experience.

I think of all sentient life, human, animal, insect, whoever else may be out there. I hear their agonized screams, their pleads, their cries, the misery, I taste the longing, and I want to calm it all, to love away the hurt, to bring warmth and love where there is cold & yearning. I want to dry the tears of all who cry.

I want to love, love, love until the fear runs out. Then love some more. I want to love until the pain burns itself out. Then love some more.

I want to sate all hunger & quench all thirst.

Because I know this pain, I know all pain.

I know all despair.

I know it well.

I know the darkness and I know the light.

This pain is rare; most will never experience it, but there is something universal about the underpinnings of it, the desperation it brings, the fear, the dread.

There is something ancient at play. Something we have all known since beginningless time. Something we know irrespective of our location in the world. Something that knows no borders or customs or culture. If we were all stripped of all our conditioning, our culture, our skin, our superficial experiences, all our appearances, we would be identical in this something.

We all know or have the capacity to know the underpinnings of all experience. We all know the raw pain of these headaches if we know any suffering or pain or fear at all.

Most of us have experienced or can experience some sort of fear, anxiety, desperation, concern, pain, anger, terror, loss, love…we don’t need these headaches to bring us those experiences. The headaches are a reminder. A gift.

All painful experiences are a gift in disguise. They give us the opportunity to rise above and evolve into something even better, to reach out into the uni-verse and love someone today, even a complete stranger. Painful, terrifying experiences may seem like a malicious enemy but they can really be a loving friend to us if only we let them. A friend who shows us “tough love” on the surface while ultimately allowing us to deeply know a warm, soft tenderness at the core of our suffering, at the core of all suffering. A tenderness so sweet & loving, so warm, so gentle but so fierce.

I read something in this book that seems to mirror my own experience here. I will share an excerpt:

“I once attended a lecture about a man’s spirtual experiences in India in the 1960s. He said he was determined to get rid of his negative emotions. He struggled against anger and lust; he struggled against laziness and pride. But mostly he wanted to get rid of his fear. His meditation teacher kept telling him to stop struggling, but he took that as just another way of explaining how to overcome his obstacles.
Finally the teacher sent him off to meditate in a tiny hut in the foothills. He shut the door and settled down to practice, and when it got dark he lit three small candles. Around midnight he heard a noise in the corner of the room, and in the darkness he saw a very large snake. It looked to him like a king cobra. It was right in front of him, swaying. All night he stayed totally alert, keeping his eyes on the snake. He was so afraid that he couldn’t move. There was just the snake and himself and fear.
Just before dawn the last candle went out, and he began to cry. He cried not in despair but from tenderness. He felt the longing of all the animals and people in the world; he knew their alienation and their struggle. All his meditation had been nothing but further separation and struggle. He accepted-really accepted wholeheartedly-that he was angry and jealous, that he resisted and struggled, and that he was afraid. He accepted that he was also precious beyond measure-wise and foolish, rich and poor, and totally unfathomable. He felt so much gratitude that in the total darkness he stood up, walked toward the snake, and bowed. Then he fell sound asleep on the floor. When he awoke, the snake was gone. He never knew if it was his imagination or if it had really been there, and it didn’t seem to matter. As he put it at the end of the lecture, that much intimacy with fear caused his dramas to collapse, and the world around him finally got through.” (pp. 3-4)

What a beautiful reminder of how, fundamentally, we are all the same. No matter what, we are all capable of suffering. We all gravitate towards relief, pleasure, happiness, comfort, life and all ultimately want to avoid fear, and pain, and suffering of any sort. We can use our own experiences with fear and/or pain to teach or remind us of compassion and empathy. Remember whatever we are experiencing, others are as well or already have or can experience it. We are not alone in our fear, pain, anger, suffering….and we can use it to deepen our love for all sentient life, let it bring us closer to the oneness that we all share, the humaness, the sentience.
Let it humble us and inspire us.
Let us be kind to all living beings. They are us. We are them.

Let us bow to the things that bring us so much fear & pain. They are our sacred Teachers. They are the bridges that lead us to each other. Let us bow before them in extreme gratitude and boundless reverence.

Here are two videos of young women experiencing headaches similar to the ones I have:

Cluster attack #1

Cluster attack #2

These videos are kind of “graphic.” The two women are screaming hysterically, uncontrollably, in unimaginable physical agony. It’s not an exaggeration or overreaction. It is literally impossible to exaggerate the pain of these attacks. It is so, so, so severe already, there is no way to exaggerate it. If you do not have earphones and there are people around, you may not want to click on the links with volume up. If you want to click on them at all.

They were diagnosed with Cluster Headache Disorder(CH), considered to be the worst pain known to medical science. Many women with them who have given birth, have said it’s worse than the pain of childbirth! Holy πŸ’©!!

I was not diagnosed with this headache disorder but I have another disorder that mimics cluster headaches, migraine headaches, tension headaches, sinus headaches, and severe toothaches, and other kinds of pain. My disorder is not as bad as Cluster & Migraine disorder. My pain is less frequent & often less intense. But it does get so bad.

For Cluster Headache Disorder, breathing in oxygen through a machine can help with the pain sometimes. They themselves are not life threatening but many people become suicidal while having one of these headaches, not necessarily because of depression, but because the pain is so immense it’s hard to imagine living even another second with it. The one young woman is in a hospital participating in a trial thing if I understand correctly.

Wouldn’t you give anything to take their pain away? I would in a second take it all on myself if I could, to stop theirs. I find their suffering so unbearable. But it doesn’t depress me. It doesn’t drag me down. It motivates me to want to act on kindness in any way I can. It inspires in me a deeper love, a higher love.

Higher Love – Steve Winwood

“Think about it, there must be higher love
Down in the heart or hidden in the stars above
Without it, life is wasted time
Look inside your heart; I’ll look inside mine”❀

Also, I haven’t yet read the book in its entirety but what I have read up to now, is very inspiring, as you can well see!

He’s My Son -Mark Schultz

“I’m down on my knees again tonight.”

This is a song about a mom & a dad on the verge of losing a sick child to death. It’s a beautiful, warm, tender, gut-wrenching song. It guts me and leaves me hollow inside. I do not know their pain but the deep, desperation of the message and choice of words and the music has always reminded me of the pain/desperation of cluster headaches & similar pain. Of course, I think the struggle of having a sick child is way, way worse. But there is just something about the desperation here that resonates with me in a deep way.

When things fall apart, let us remember to take all the life lessons, the pain, the wisdom, the fear….and let it fuel us to reach out & love others.

Much love and light to you who is reading this. I wish you peace, love, & comfort. Joy, hope, and gratitude. Health & happiness, always.

Xoxo Kim❀