I’m the prettiest cop on the block
I set your souls on fire
Alice Cooper – Prettiest Cop On The Block –
This post here is a bit like this (in link below) but not anywhere near as long or deep. Both about my experiences with unrequited love. The true story in the link is grueling and took me six months to write.
Fun and random fact about me that no one else in the world knows. But now you do!
When I was 17/18 years old (around twenty years ago) I was in love with a police officer.
She made me so happy. She had the most beautiful face, hair, smile, personality, everything. I was mesmerized. It was joy and giddiness and ecstasy, just seeing her across a street, after a while it turned to a deeper feeling but still ecstatic and uplifting and joyful. It never quite turned to “the one” or “love of my life” status that I can remember like I have felt for some women, but was possibly getting to that point. It was definitely love. She was always on my mind even when we weren’t around each other. Usually though, when I’m in love with a woman, it happens much faster than a year that I think of her as my one or love of my life. And I don’t mean “falling” in love. I can actually have a feeling of *being* “in love” with a woman and want her as my person for life. For me, it happens quickly, usually. In this case with the police officer, I was totally smitten, but it wasn’t to that point yet even a year later, if I remember correctly. I don’t think she would have ever been one of “my ones.” Lol But I was totally in love, just not as in love as I can be. If I were a normal gay woman and our circumstances were more compatible and she liked me back, it probably would have been a short term relationship of substance, more than a fling but not lifelong.
She was 40 something years old. We did not know each other well. Just saw each other around. Once in a while my friends and me would talk to her. She was sweet, and just seeing her brightened my day no matter what mood I was in. She told me happy birthday one day! I knew her since I was 14 years old and always liked her a lot, but at 17 years old I suddenly fell for her hard. I began to take special interest in her in a way I haven’t in the years before. I thought she was a hottie in her uniform (like really really aesthetically pleasing lol I could stare all day). I loved the way she moved in it. I loved the way her pants hugged her hips and the way her hips swayed as she walked. And I loved the g u n at her side. She was very curvy. And she was very confident, it could be seen in the way she carried herself. I loved her great butt, it was the kind Sir Mix-A-Lot sings of. 😍 I loved the way her thick black curly hair fell to her shoulders and the way she would laugh and joke with the other police officers on the corner. She was a Latina beauty. She had a very happy temperament, always cheerful and engaged with people. She was sweet and a bad@ss babe all in one. Her husband was/is (don’t know if they are still together but hopefully!!) a very lucky man. He got the whole package for real. Beauty inside and out, brains, confidence, compassion…One day she hurt her back at work, and she was definitely low in spirits for a few days. I would see her have to stop, lean over, and rub her own back. I remember aching for her and wanting to make it all better. I wanted to hug her and make her pain go away.
Her age never fazed me or the fact that she was heterosexual and happily married to a man with kids around my age. I wanted her lol She would talk about her “sweetheart” and her “honey” and “baby” who was her husband of many years. I wasn’t jealous. I wouldn’t have cared if she loved us both, even if he was her main one. I’m good at sharing. 😆 I prefer monogamy and being the favorite/main/primary but can handle “my person” not being monogamous and being a close second. Lol (This is not the same as a monogamous person settling for me because they can’t have who they really want, that I wouldn’t accept, but I don’t mind a special/queerplatonic friend putting their romantic relationship first or a polyam person having a primary partner who isn’t me and me as a close relationship that comes after, nuances matter, but overall, I don’t mind not being the absolute center of someone’s world, I would like it though lol) One day on Valentine’s Day I heard her telling other police officers she worked with “My honey gave me flowers this morning when I woke up!” And one day she was happily showing everyone her new necklace “from my sweetheart!” And “My baby made me breakfast for Mother’s Day then took me out!” It was cute. Lol I was so happy to hear something about her personal life. It uplifted me.
A year later at eighteen years old I was still in love. I “stalked” her for a year. I would see her going a certain way and walk that way too hoping to run into her. I would get all giddy upon seeing her and try to get her to notice me and think I’m pretty. I did not fully realize what I was doing. I just knew she was so pretty and sweet and funny and wanted her to feel the same about me. I thought I could impress her. I was way too shy to talk to her. Lol When she would casually talk to me, I would freeze up, smile, and look at the ground 😆
We saw each other one day in an unusual place, and she looked so happy and pointed at me saying “I know you!!” It made me so happy! Another day she was monitoring a school event and had to check our ID’s. When I got up to the police at the door, she said “She doesn’t have to show her ID, I know who she is.” I was honored. ❤️ Still makes me happy now that I was trusted.
One day I was thrilled beyond belief, over the moon, because some criminal did something, and her and another police officer (another pretty lady around the same age, a gorgeous blonde) came over to ask me if I saw anything. I did not (I did see her running after someone in the morning and was intrigued, I liked seeing her work in action). Lol But was happy to be the center of her focus for a few minutes. It made my day, I was giddy and bursting with joy for the rest of the day. I ran home and told my mom the police came to talk to me, I could hardly contain my joy. I wrote it on my online journal I had back then too. Lol I never mentioned the part that I was in love with one of them. The journal was kind of anonymous, the website required anonymity to a point, no contact info or anything, can’t remember the name of it, but I was still afraid to put too much detail about my love affair lol All my followers knew my first name and that I was a teenaged girl. I pretended to like boys on there, just to put it “out there” that I’m in fact normal. I was so happy to see the new police officer too. Every once in a while I found myself catching some kind of feels for her too when the feeling for the other would begin to mellow out a bit, when I like/love a woman and she doesn’t know or care that I exist and shows me no attention, my feels for her can come and go or fade and rekindle, and I can move onto another for a while. I only have the capacity to actively be into one at once though, even if I can tell I like them both. (I think real crushes can work like that too?) Sometimes focusing on that woman took the pain away about the other woman not really knowing I exist and me not knowing how or having the courage to approach her. One day with my friend, I decided to go ask them for directions just to have an excuse to talk to them. Lol Some of my girl friends liked the police officers too, but they liked the man ones. I pretended to like the men too so they would think I was normal. They themselves were not homophobes, but society in general was. I was happy the girls wanted to hang around the police because then I got to see her. I remember one of the girls was going to walk over to one of the men police officers she liked and say “Please cuff me officer,” but she chickened out. We were all laughing hysterically.
We had metal detectors at my high school. The school police were always there. But one day the women school police weren’t there, and she was there to search any of us who walked through when the metal detector would beep on us. Only women police officers were allowed to check the girls. If a woman wasn’t there and it beeped on a girl, they had to let us go anyway without checking. That day they got her to search us.
For some reason it beeped on me. She had to search me. I was crushed. She waved the thing up and down me and patted me down. That has happened before with the school police, and I had no problem. But I felt like she did not trust me when she knew me (sort of), and I had these deep emotions for her. My adult mind understands now that those feelings couldn’t have ever been reciprocated, no way a 40 something year old is going to go for a teenager, to her I was just a typical high school girl, and she was simply doing her job. But back then, I was deeply wounded and couldn’t shake the feeling that someone I loved and had a thing for did not trust me. She was very compassionate and gentle, I still remember the tone of her voice when she said “I have to search you.” It was a deeply apologetic tone. There’s no way she could have known I loved her, but she probably knew a teenaged girl doesn’t want to have to get searched going into school. She did affectionately tell me before she can tell I’m a good girl. I was flattered.
I never saw her out of uniform in the four years I have known her. Then one day I saw her in a dressy shirt with flowers and was floored! It was the most amazing experience. It made me so thrilled and giddy. Lol Not just that she was beautiful but just seeing a personal aspect of her. I only ever mostly saw her professional side. She was very lighthearted and playful and kind. But other than that I did not know much about her, just enough to be in love.
I knew some of her political/moral views and some of her interests. She supported marriage equality and the death penalty. She was very family oriented, loved kids. She loved holidays, especially Halloween. She was against people suing people for d*mb things like ordering hot coffee and spilling it on themselves. One day it was in the news that a woman was suing a place for getting burned on coffee she ordered there. The police were talking about it the next morning, and she was yelling “You know coffee is hot!!”
I was going off to college soon (not leaving our city, just the location where I always saw the police officer) and was so deeply sad that I wouldn’t see her anymore. I stayed up all night long for hours the nights leading up to our last day seeing each other, trying to come up with a way to keep in touch with her. But we weren’t friends or even acquaintances. Girl hardly even knew I existed. I couldn’t exactly go up and say let’s keep in touch. Lol It wasn’t a context where that would be normal, and on top of that I’m super shy, especially back then. So even if she was an acquaintance, back then as a teenager, I probably wouldn’t have had the nerve. Probably wouldn’t even now lol
I knew the last day I would ever see her. I decided I would write my name and phone number on a piece of paper and walk up and hand it to her and let her know I always liked seeing her and was going to college and wouldn’t be around that way anymore. I fantasized over and over and over, how it would pan out. This fantasy also helped me cope with the pain and grief knowing our encounters were coming to an end. It gave me hope. But when the day came, I lost the nerve. I stopped halfway as I was walking to her, my heart pounding. I had the paper crumpled up in my sweaty palm and was frozen in place. I just stood there staring. She glanced at me for a second, and I lifted my arm to wave then dropped it again, too shy to go through with that too. I felt this empty dejected sinking feeling.
As an asexual/aromantic girl (with lesbian leanings) who had no idea what asexuality is, I did not know this was my version of a “crush.” I did not realize her being heterosexual and married would not be compatible with the kind of relationship I wanted with her (sure her husband wouldn’t have liked it much lol And a heterosexual woman likely can’t have the emotional/sensual inclination I can for other women, I wasn’t thinking of all this). I wanted a non sexual but sensual/emotional relationship with her, to hold hands, long hugs, be each other’s everything. I frequently fantasized about her, never sexually, all the things we would do together, sometimes the fantasies were sensual, imagining touching in non sexual ways. I imagined us strolling around, walking arm in arm, laughing, reading together, always being together and each other’s person. I was afraid the sensual fantasies/feelings made me gay and that I could be the target of homophobia if people knew, which terrified me, especially the thought of being ridiculed. Back then I wouldn’t have been able to handle people laughing at me and making jokes about me, and homophobia was still very rampant all over back then, still around now, but way worse back then. People were openly homophobic with no consequences, even teachers I had. Gay jokes were mundane things with no one calling them out, people laughing at same gender kissing scenes on tv. I also felt my sensual daydreams did not make sense since I was identifying as “heterosexual.” I never liked men but since I don’t quite like women in the traditional way either and society told me I’m hetero, that’s the label I took on. So I tried to suppress the desire. Sometimes I imagined her crying and me consoling her with hugs and back rubs (had these fantasies about other women too). Years later I realized it was my excuse to imagine touching her without being gay about it. I can console women just to console also. But this was going out of my way daydreaming because I wanted the fantasy of touching a woman but still being hetero about it. 😆
I liked her in a way that was different than how I liked my regular platonic friends but not in the traditional romantic/sexual way (I somewhat recently learned this is called alterous attraction/love, not strictly platonic but not quite romantic or having aspects of both, I’m homoalterous). I had no idea what it was. I thought of it as wanting her as my “special friend.” I never had inclination for thinking of her as my girlfriend or wanting her as one. That word doesn’t resonate with me for me. I don’t ever see myself as having a girlfriend or being someone’s girlfriend but can totally imagine having “my person” for life. I hope for that someday. I don’t mind if she wants to call me her girlfriend and thinks of me that way, just not a word that resonates with me.
This is just one of many examples since I was a little girl of “crushing on”/being in love with other girls. It’s a recurring thing throughout life for me since elementary school age til now, that I fall for other women like this. Not regular platonic but not traditional romantic/sexual. As I did not understand my identity/sexual orientation (oriented asexuality) til a few years ago, this was always a curious thing, always feeling gay but then nahh. Lol
Unfortunately I could never act on it because I don’t know how. It’s hard enough for even regular gay women to meet other women to be compatible with like that but when asexuality is thrown in, it adds to the challenge. Everyone and their mom and grandmom and great grandmom wants the s*x at all ages. And being aromantic (with strong homoromantic leanings) I never had inclination for traditional dating, like asking a woman out. I just see women I’m madd about and want in this life of mine. So it’s definitely a complex situation.
I don’t remember what inspired me to remember this experience with the police officer. But here it is. 😁
It may give people an idea of what it’s like to be a lesbian (or whatever hetero/bi…) asexual woman. We don’t experience sexual (and in some cases not even romantic or fullblown romantic) attraction but doesn’t mean we can’t experience need/desire for emotional/physical closeness or life partnerships or companionship “beyond” ordinary platonic but not sexual/romantic either.
I hope you are having a beautiful day or night wherever in the world you are! Wishing you lots of love!
Xoxo Kim 💗
A Dose of Inspiration 