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Smile because she has lived â¤

“When I first learned about her, no less than two million buffalo stampeded across my chest. (That is just an estimate at the risk of sounding dramatic.) When the dust finally settled, when chaos clipped its own wing & the Earth relinquished her thunder, I found the remains of a heart not twenty feet from my aching body, trampled into a bloody mess. This heart did not belong to me, but I ripped open my own ribcage just to double-check.”


This post was meant for Feb 14th but I was too busy with work and sick to edit it and fix it up for posting. But better late than never! I meant to post it over a week ago after my cold got better but never did. I had a bad sinus thing recently and my nose has been bleeding everyday. My throat was sore and my whole body was weak and I had night sweats and chills. It did not last long at all. Since I wrote this post for two women I knew who died on the same day a few years apart, another young woman I only knew online died on the same date this year, of a rare form of cancer. She has been battling it for years and did all she could to live as long as she could even though she was incredibly Ill. Some people with end stage cancer surrender, give up treatment, and choose to live as comfortably as possible even if treatment can help them live longer, because treatments make them sicker but only extend their lives a bit longer. In states where it’s legal, some even take a pill to speed up their death and put them out of their misery or prevent even worse misery later when the illness can only get worse. Gabriella made the choice to do whatever it took to live as long as possible no matter how sick she was and how much sicker she would become because of the treatment and cancer continuing to spread. She took all the treatment she could to live even if just an extra day because she loved life so much. It was an incredible wisdom, strength, and love for life she had. No matter how much she suffered, her love for life was stronger and she would not give up just to live more comfortably but not as long. This inspires me deeply. Someone with terminal cancer choosing to keep going n live, not out of denial or not accepting the truth but out of great love for life and being determined enough to endure unimaginable suffering because life is beautiful anyway and she could still see the good in all that sickness and terrible pain.

I do not at all in any way judge those who do give up treatment to live and die more comfortably or those who choose the pill to die before the illness takes them, of course not. It doesn’t mean they are less strong. But it inspires me so much when someone chooses to keep going no matter what. I have struggled with severe depression on and off and am inspired when someone can keep wanting to live even in the midst of much darkness. Also, I have always thought that if I were to get terminal cancer, I would do whatever it takes to live as long as possible even if I would get sicker because of treatment and only live a month longer. When I’m not depressed(& sometimes even when I am), I have always had a deep love for life like Gabriella. So her attitude and choice resonates with me. Some people may think that’s very wrong of me to think I would do whatever it takes to live as long as I can since I dont know that pain and sickness but it’s just a philosophy I have, not a judgment of others. We all make whatever choice we know is best for us in each situation and we are not in a position to say someone else’s choice is wrong or less. Gabriella was a true warrior and she inspires me still. And always will.


This is a screencap of Gabriella’s instagram account. Her sister was kind enough to let us all know the tragedy in that last post at the top. In the midst of her own immense grief & unbearable loss, she was loving enough to care about us, her sister’s social media followers.

Gabriella was realistic and admitted she did not believe she would get better but she held onto hope and wanted to walk this Earth as long as she could. And she did this all with a positive attitude and big smile on her beautiful face. I did not ever talk to her or know her in person. I just watched her YouTube videos and followed her social media account because her positivity and beauty (both inner and physical beauty) inspires me. She helped me with anxiety and depression flareups. Her positivity was and still is infectious. She died on February 14th 2020. When I saw the post on her account by her beautiful sister, who is also her best friend, it took the life out of me. I was hoping so much she would somehow get better. I’m thankful I waited to post this because now I can also post in honor of beautiful Gabriella who displayed an incredible strength, courage, and love in the face of a terrifying and dreadful disease at only twenty-three years old. She was motivated to keep up her physical appearance with beautiful wigs and makeup and fashion. The cancer and treatment took a tremendous toll on her body but she did not let that stop her.
Her physical appearance was very important to her, not in a shallow way, but an inspiring and motivated way. Like the sicker she got, it seemed the more motivated she got to show the disease it had no hold on her. Cancer took away her hair, her healthy skin complexion, her flat stomach (it was in her liver and made her stomach begin to balloon while the rest of her was very thin), her healthy body weight, it made her weight drop dramatically….but she countered each thing with positive actions and a positive mind. She admitted how difficult it was but still kept being positive. She admitted to being a bit vain and not liking what the cancer was doing to her physical appearance. And this is one of the things I love about her. She was positive but she was real. Who would be apathetic to the fact of a terrible disease messing with our physical appearance? I think most of us would care.
Sweet & Beautiful Gabriella showing off her new wig. This is a screencap. I can’t believe she is really gone. She was so full of love & life. ❤

New Wig! UniWigs – Gabrielle wig review

(The wig is called Gabrielle! 😍 It’s the official name of this one)

I think her YouTube video that inspires me most is the one where she shows off her new wig made of real human hair. Link above. It was a gift someone gave to her, the company who makes them, I think. To see the joy on her face at something so simple and something no 23 year old girl should have to have. But it made her so so happy just to have this new wig. All her other ones were fake hair and not as good quality. The human hair ones are expensive and she never had one before this. I’m very thankful she got to experience the joy of having one before she had to go.
My heart breaks for Gabriella and her family and friends. Someone who loved life so much she chose immense suffering over death just to keep on experiencing life, but she had to lose her life anyway at just 23 years old. She stated that at one point, before she was diagnosed with cancer, her biggest fear was death. So imagine having that terrible fear then finding you have stage 4 cancer? To have to stare death in the face and accept that reality. Death would probably scare just about anyone who has to come to terms with it soon but especially someone who already has a fear of it before getting sick. The strength and courage she had is definitely awe inspiring.
I have been grieving for her in a way very similar to when I grieve for someone I know in person who dies. I even fell into a very severe depression for a few days where I had to struggle to do things. All I could think about was her and how horrific it is. What cruelty this disease is.

I don’t always get depressed when someone dies but sometimes I do and her death triggered a mini episode. Grief is different than depression. But grief can trigger a depression in some of us. I call depressive episodes “mini episodes” when they last less than two weeks. They can be just as severe but the duration is not long enough to be considered clinical when they are less than two weeks. At least that’s how it was the last I checked. The dsm book said so. But anyway I have been so depressed; it feels like someone I know died and it is absolutely devastating and crushing. This is definitely one of the more difficult things I have encounterd in this life.
Gabriella had a great sense of humor and was able to laugh and joke. She was just naturally very funny. She also thought cancer jokes are funny and suggested her social media followers follow an account by people with cancer who joke about it. I can never think any cancer joke is amusing and don’t follow that account but I am happy for her that she was so lighthearted and was able to find the humor in her disease. I understand because I think mental health jokes are funny since I have struggled with depression myself.

I have followed her account and story for about a year and always looked for her updates. I am beyond broken. Just shattered. It seems so wrong that a 23 year old girl had to die like this. A 23 year old girl who loved life so much and loved everything and everyone and got so happy over the simplest things like pretty blonde wigs and Starbucks drinks. She loved the strawberry acai drink. One day I will buy one and drink it in honor of her. She has a dog who she loved so much. Gabriella was the same age as my little sister. I will always have her in my heart. And I will honor her by keep loving life like she did even when it’s hard. I will keep looking for the gems of beauty all around me even when I have to look harder. This is what I have been doing to battle my depression about her death. She wouldn’t want me to walk around depressed like that. She wasn’t the kind of girl to get depressed. She mentioned in one of her YouTube videos that she has never been depressed; she just wasn’t prone to it. Even when cancer took over her body, it never depressed her. Once she had to take some medication and it messed with her chemistry and she did become depressed and it was like a dark cloud hanging over her wherever she would go. When she stopped the med the depression was gone. She said it scared her to see what depression is like.
In each moment I have consciously looked for the good to battle my depression after learning of her death. I know that is what she would do and want me to do.
If my grief is like this just imagine what her friends and family are experiencing. But I will always remember her and keep sending them my love even if just in the form of energy. I did write to her sister and express my love. While Gabriella did lose the ultimate battle to cancer, I believe she did not lose truly because her spirit stayed alive until the end and she did not let it crush it. I think her life is a reminder to us all to never give up no matter what battle we are facing whether it’s something as serious as cancer or something like just having a not so pleasant day or bad mood. Her life is a beautiful message to the world. Keep going. She even had a tattoo on her arm that read “Keep fighting.”

Gabriella said one of the things that kept her going through the pain is the fact that it’s her who had cancer and not someone else she loved like her mom for example. (I understand this because I felt the same way when I had cancer fear; at least it was me and not someone else and I have this gratitude when my pain disorder flares up that it’s me and not another – Gabriella’s and my energy seem to operate on a similar wavelength) Then her mom was diagnosed with another rare form of cancer. Another thing that kept her going is the promise that one day her treatment would finally end and she would be healthy again. Then the doctors gave her the devastating news that she would never be healthy again. But still she just kept finding things to go on for and be happy about.

She said no matter how sick she was at least she wasn’t dead. And she encouraged us all to think the same way about everything. No matter how bad it is, at least it isn’t worse. That is the gist of what was her life philosophy and in honor of her, I will adopt it as my own more consciously, more frequently.

Imagine loving life itself so, so much that in your worst physical pain and emotional pain, in your worst physical sickness, weakness, nausea, vomiting, physical appearance changing in unpleasant ways, in your most suffocating fear, waiting for test results to see where the disease spread to next, to keep finding at every dr visit that it metastasized to somewhere else in the body, ravaging every organ, throughout countless painful and frightening medical tests and painful, life draining treatments, losing all your hair, your healthy skin, aging more quickly than you’re supposed to, infinite amounts of hospital visits and infections, scary uncertainty, physical and emotional exhaustion, being bedridden, watching everyone who loves you suffer because of your pain, and being told in the end there is no cure or hope anyway, you still want to push through and go on living as long as you can, even if you have to always live like this, because life is still beautiful. Imagine that. This is what it is to truly love. This inspires me more than anything else in life. The fact that this was done out of love for life and not fear of death is what inspires me. I cannot imagine a more inspiring or loving person. Whenever I have a flareup of depression or if I ever have health anxiety again or my facial pain disorder flares up…I am going to go on living like Gaby.

If I could, I would switch places with Gabriella so she can live again. That terrifies me to write or even think that because last year, I developed a debilitating fear of cancer, which is gone now but still a touch of it flares up once in a while. For six months, I obsessed over having or getting cancer and I could hardly go on living. But my health anxiety actually made me happier and more mindful overall. It made me love this beautiful life even more. As a result of my cancer phobia (I was not diagnosed with a phobia or treated professionally but no doubt it was a fullblown phobia), I also learned things about myself I never realized before and began to accept things I couldn’t as much before. It is a gift to me and was a blessing in disguise all along. But I would give it all up for this sweet girl. Gabriella has my whole heart. ❤❤❤

In loving memory of and in honor of two(update: now three) beautiful women who both died unexpectedly and too soon on the same date, four years apart. Diane (58 years old) on February 14th, 2015 & Haley (20 years old) on February 14th, 2019. (And Gabriella on February 14th, 2020 – 23 years old) Both of their hearts just stopped out of nowhere on Feb. 14th. I knew both of them at one point. Diane was my good friend & coworker for nearly a decade and Haley was a sweet girl who lived close to me and was a customer at the place where Diane and me worked.


Diane and me worked together and she always talked to me and about me as if I was her daughter. She has three sons close to the same age as me. She was a significant part of my everyday. She was kind, funny, loud, she cursed a lot, and gave everyone as much as she could even when she had very little to give. She gave people at stores tips when she was about to get thrown out of the place she lived for not being able to pay. She would stay later at work without getting paid to serve last minute customers. She accidentally taught her baby grandson to say “fuck” and she was frantic trying to get him to stop saying it. She always told me to stay warm and kind even in the face of other people’s bitterness, unkindness, and difficult situations. She told me one of her worst fears in life was that my personality would change. I can’t believe she thought my personality is that amazing that it actually scared her to think of it changing!
She made me laugh and sometimes she annoyed me. Lol

Her favorite holiday was Valentine’s Day. And that is the day she suffered sudden cardiac arrest for no known reason. She was small and healthy seeming. She was stressed about financial concerns though. I mention this because I think excessive levels of or frequent stress can contribute to a heart attack/cardiac arrest(I am not sure if these two are the same thing – they told me Diane suffered a heart attack but I also read something about cardiac arrest being the accurate term) and do not want it to happen to anyone else. If you are reading this and experience stress frequently for any reason or significant levels, I hope you will try some things to reduce it. Whatever helps calm us or maybe exercise can lessen it. One very good thing to reduce stress is meditation, even just five minutes of conscious breathing a day can help. Even if we are young and seemingly healthy, we can have a heart attack. Diane was younger than the average age of people who have heart attacks and die. This is very, very common and I do not want it to happen to anyone else whether or not I know the person. I have been terrified after her death that it will happen to more people. Thankfully my fear has calmed through the years but once in a while it flares up a bit then calms again.

Here is a sleep meditation I found shortly after her death to help me cope, before my true healing began:
Sleep Hypnosis for Anxiety Reduction and Reversal

Diane was full of life and had no symptoms of an impending heart attack. It just struck unexpectedly. On Saturday morning, five years ago, she came to work just like any other day, collapsed to the floor. And died. It was the most traumatic experience of my whole life. My entire world crumbled on top of me. It felt that I had to learn to rebuild part of myself. I had to learn to cope not only with the death itself but the fact of no longer seeing her nearly everyday. It is traumatic to lose someone to death (or even moving away) who we see and talk to everyday. Losing her felt like losing a limb on my body. I felt that loss so poignantly and still do but it’s easier now to bear than it was. I learned to live well with the grief. Some moments I stop and feel the throb of the loss. I still grieve for her. I always will. Some moments I long for her and to tell her things like I used to. I miss her loud mouth, her sarcasm, and cursing. I’m not always the biggest fan of sarcasm but I came to love her sarcasm. Lol
The last word I heard her say is “unfuckingbelievable.” And it makes me laugh.
Just writing this post reopened some wounds in me and feels like my insides bleeding all over again. But it’s not a bad thing. It’s just how it is when we lose someone.


And Haley. Haley, the girl in the pictures above, was a beautiful, beautiful young woman who literally everyone loved. No one could have possibly known her and not loved her. She was kind, compassionate, caring, helpful. She picked up trash off the ground as a little girl and threw it away. Who does that?!?! What kid or even adult sees trash on the ground that is not ours and cares to pick it up and throw it away?! We may care enough to throw our own trash in a can and not the ground but do you ever even think of throwing it away when you see it on the ground already? Lol

I heard she would sit with kids in school who she saw eating lunch alone. This is one of the stories of her that hit me hardest because I know what it’s like to not have friends at some ages/stages of life. As a kid in school, I always did have friends to have lunch with but did not always have friends outside of school or in college when I first took classes. My first couple of years were lonely. To think there was a girl who would have cared so much and sat with me when I had no one, warms me. Haley has my heart, always.

She was compassionate to everyone even those who were unkind to her. She had a light around her. And that light still shines brightly in this world even though she is gone. One year ago, she lost her life, quickly & unexpectedly.

Many years ago, I knew a little girl named Haley. She used to come to the food serving place that I worked, sometimes with her dad. She would get iced tea, pizza pretzels, ice cream. She was so sweet and adorable. She was kind and very well mannered. The years went on and eventually the store I worked at closed up and I got a new job. A few years later, last year, my mom showed me a picture of an incredibly beautiful young woman who lived closeby and died. Her beauty took my breath away when I looked at her photo. She asked if I knew her since the girl was very popular in the community and I know so many people who came to my previous workplace. I was struck by her breathtaking beauty when I saw her photo. I thought how tragic it is her life ended the way it did. I said I did not know her. But her death weighted heavy on me each day. I kept thinking of her and the heartbreak of her loss. I kept hearing about her and her tragic, unexpected death around the neighborhood and on social media. I kept seeing pictures of her beautiful face and reading all the stories of how kind and loving she was in life. She was the kind of girl everyone knew. Then someone posted a picture of her as a little girl. When I saw it, my whole body was overcome in a trembly, terrible kind of fear and felt like jelly.

It was her.

It was that adorable, sweet young girl I knew who came to my workplace. Then I remembered I did see her around the neighborhood as a young woman but did not realize she was that little girl I knew.

All I saw in my head was that sweet, innocent little girl eating ice cream with her dad. Her death filled me with absolute dread and terror. She died when she was just twenty years old. She was very athletic, healthy, physically fit. She played sports, worked out, and took very good care of her body.


On February 14th, 2019, after 3:00 in the morning, she ran to her mom & dad’s room because something was happening inside her body and she did not know what to do. I heard she thought she was having a heart attack. She was pleading for help. She collapsed then died later that morning in front of her mom, dad, and little brother, who is only a little boy.

How on Earth does a healthy 20 year old girl’s heart…..just stop? Just like that. In the middle of the night.

She had a terrible disease no one realized she had. It’s called HHT. She had it since birth but there were no symptoms and it does not show up in routine medical test results. It’s like an internal bleeding disorder or something of that sort. It often presents no symptoms and someone can just collapse and die out of nowhere. It is rare and is genetic. Most people who have it do not die of it and for most people, the symptoms they display are nosebleeds and marks on the skin, not a sudden tragic death. Her family said she never had one symptom until her death.

Of all the people I have known and have never known, who died, Haley is the one I would bring back if I could. Even if I had to die myself. Right now, I would die and bring her “back from the dead” if it were possible. I wouldn’t even hesitate. I would bring that beautiful girl back in an instant without a second thought.

She was everything. Everyone loved her. Her family, friends, everyone in the neighborhood, even strangers. She had a boyfriend, a sweet girl, who I also knew/worked with, who is her cousin, best friend, and sister all in one, lots of friends, a loving family, a job, she was a college girl and very close to her mom and dad and brother. She had a dog she loved who loved her. Very successful already at just 20 years old.

I saw some of her photography and am deeply inspired. Like me, she had an appreciation for the simple, mundane, often overlooked things in life like shadows, raindrops, lights, her own beauty(she knew how very beautiful she was)…and like me, she loved to capture it in photos. She inspires me to take even more pictures and be even more mindful of the simple joys of living. She was so confident and it showed in the way she carried herself and her photos.

Throughout the year since she has been gone, there are a few occasions I struggled with something like a wave of depression or a flare up of my my facial pain disorder here & there, then I would happen to see a picture of her beautiful smile in my newsfeed on social media, posted by her family, and it would lift me and remind me to live like she did, confidently, in the moment, compassionately…I also struggled with anxiety for six months beginning the month she died and for three of those months, it was severe, debilitating. And throughout my journey, Haley’s beauty and light and smile was with me every step of the way.

So much of what I am today is because of Haley.


Haley inspires me everyday. She’s on my mind every single day. There is not a day I don’t think of her. And not a moment I’m not inspired by her. I did not know her well but because of the kind of person she was, she has a tremendous impact on anyone who met her even just for a few seconds. Anyone who looked at her was stunned by her beauty. Even people who never had the joy of knowing her while she was here are deeply inspired by her photos and stories of her. She is the kind of person anyone would aspire to be like. People say there is no such thing as perfect. Haley was perfection itself. Just look at a picture of her and you will see.


The Haley Morris Foundation ❤

Imagine the trauma her mom, dad, and little brother live with every single day not just at the fact that Haley died but seeing it happen right in front of them, hearing her pleading in the night for help and there was nothing anyone could have done to stop it. My love goes out to them every single day. I never stop thinking of them.

I remember a year ago, shortly after Haley died, I found myself laying on a floor numb and paralyzed in fear, terror, horror, unable to move, thinking of her and her poor mom. I wondered how her mom was still breathing. The pain & fear in me was unlike anything I have ever known before and I had no idea what to do with it. I was already beginning to develop an anxiety condition and this tragedy triggered it to spiral quickly out of control. I am thankful to say today, it is gone. After six months, it disappeared on its own.

Haley’s family is very particular about what photos of her can be shared by others and which ones cannot be. When I share any on facebook with the share button, I ask for permission first. So I took a screencap of this picture above off her public memorial/awareness page, called Hearts for Haley. The picture does not belong to me at all. It’s just a screencap of a photo that is her family’s. And the other photo is a screencapture of a picture of her off of the foundation website.

Her family chose to rise above the tragedy and begin an organization to bring awareness to the disease that took her life to try to make it so it will never take another and bring devastation and ruin to another family. They could have chosen to crumble in their grief but instead they made the brave decision to stand back up and keep going and bring love to everyone they can. They took tragedy and devastation and used it as inspiration to bring more goodness and love to the world. Their strength, love for others, including complete strangers, and courage are deeply inspiring.

Haley has only been gone a year and that quickly her family developed a successful foundation called The Haley Morris Foundation, in her honor.

None of the photos of Haley are mine and I do not have permission to use any of her photos in any way at all. These are screencaptures off of her memorial page and website for the foundation her family, developed to honor her. And the photo of Diane is not mine. It’s one that showed up on my newsfeed after she died. And the ones of Gabriella are screencaps of her accounts. I also do not have permission to screencap any of these but I did to honor them.

I love Diane & Haley & Gaby and I’m so thankful they lived. I am honored to be able to say I knew two such women in person and one online, all beautiful, loving, kind. I have nothing but the deepest love for them.

Recently, I have been feeling a lack of friendship because in the last couple of years, my friends and me have drifted apart on their end, not mine. I wanted to keep the friendships going but they no longer care to be friends like we once were. I am very extroverted and crave socialization so losing friendships or lacking socialization for a while can trigger a depressive episode in me. It does not always but it does happen. In fact, that is the main trigger for me, social things or social isolation. As an adult, it’s not always easy to meet new friends. Usually I just accept that our friendships have been ending and am still generally happy but sometimes it really gets to me and loneliness sets in or worse, depression, which often is accompanied by loneliness. Sometimes I get angry with my friends for neglecting our friendships when I am putting in work trying to recover our lost friendship. I know it’s not their obligation to be my friends but that does not always prevent my anger or resentment towards them. Also, sometimes it tends to contribute to my self esteem greatly plummeting for a while (then getting better again later) to think they no longer care. This does not always happen, just flareups. But it’s not pleasant.
When my self esteem plummets thinking of them no longer caring, I will remember Haley’s self confidence and remember to be confident myself and I will remember her compassion for others and lavish my own compassion onto others and not dwell so much on my own sadness. And I will remember a girl who would sit with lonely people who had no friends and know if she were here right now, she would sit with me. And whenever I begin to have unkind thoughts about my friends for being how they are now or unkind thoughts about myself, triggered by others not caring, I will remember Diane telling me to not be unkind as a result of other people’s unkindness and to stay warm and caring no matter what and to never change because she loved me just how I am, and I will let my angry thoughts melt away. And when I begin to get depressed, wondering if my own life is worth living, I will remember Gabriella and her love for life that reminds me so much of my own love for life (depression can make me forget sometimes) and her zest and motivation to keep going no matter how bad things got for her and I will remember that that zest and love is in me too. And I will keep going. I will remember her philosophy to appreciate exactly what is. I have a Diane, a Haley, & a Gabriella who would be cheering me on if they were here and their love & wisdom surrounds me each day. They are all around me and within me. I carry them everywhere. Three beautiful women I have been lucky & blessed enough to cross paths with in this life.

I am thankful to have crossed paths with each of them. I try not to dwell on the tragic, traumatic circumstances of their unexpected(haley & diane) or agonizing (Gabriella) deaths and instead rejoice that they walked this Earth even if only briefly and that I got to know them when I did.

Thank you, thank you, thank you to Haley & Diane & Gabriella for once existing and sharing that light & beauty with our world.

My heart just aches that they are gone but I am also filled with gratitude that they were here.

“You can remember her and only that she is gone
Or you can cherish her memory and let it live on”❤

My love goes out to all who are grieving the loss of a friend, family member, pet, coworker…or just anyone who has touched your life in some way, however long or briefly, then vanished forever. Let’s remember to honor them and live how we know would make them happy and proud.
What would make them happy and proud? Acts of kindness, happiness, compassion for others and our own self, courage, strength…

I very much prefer for all sympathy, healing thoughts/prayers/meditations/vibes….go not to me but to Haley & Diane’s (and Gabriella’s) close family & friends. Even though I grieve for them, my grief is just a fraction of what their friends and family experience each day, who lived with them and/or knew them much better than I did. This post isn’t truly about grief; that is just part of it. And it’s not about my loss or sadness. It’s about love, honor, remembrance, gratitude, life. Everyone who is good and dies is worthy of being remembered in a positive light with love and gratitude instead of remembering more or focusing more on the tragedy. This is about the love & light Haley & Diane & Gabriella all brought to Earth on their brief journeys here.

Much love & light,
Xoxo Kim

The House on Pine Street🏩 And raising our vibration❤

There is a movie I watched, horror/psychological/supernatural thriller. It’s on Amazon Prime so no cost if we subscribe to that. I would give it five or whatever is the most stars but I am very, very easy to please and love just about everything. I do not care about “bad acting” or “bad lighting.” And do not have an issue with very unoriginal plots. I love B-grade movies and traditional plots just as much as better quality, more creative movies . I did not notice any bad acting/lighting/writing in this movie or anything but I’m not always good at judging since Im so happy with like anything. Lol So if I give something the most stars, you may not want to take my word for it if you are only into very good quality movies. My boss says this is also true about me with people; he said there can be a terrible person and all I see is the good!

Some movies I do turn off right away because the quality is way too bad(like camera shaking when it’s not supposed to be, for example) or the movie is very boring(and im hard to bore lol) right off but mostly, Im easily satisfied.
It’s called “The House on Pine Street.” It’s like a ghost movie but the viewer may also wonder if it’s really ghosts or the woman is insane/psychotic. Maybe not very original but very good!!

There will not be any big spoilers here. But there will be a couple inspiring movie quotes. I wont give away the ending or any important details but if you want to see the movie first, click this off! And be sure to come back later!

The young woman is struggling with an unplanned and very unwanted pregnancy. We know this after reading the movie description. Her husband decides they should get away for a while and move to the place where she grew up, for a few months, and move back after the baby is born. She is very unhappy about this plan but she goes along with it. She does not get along well with her mom and her mom lives close to where they move and comes by for unexpected visits, which the young woman is unhappy about. She is unhappy about just about everything in her life, currently. She is especially extremely unhappy about the surprise baby.

She begins to suspect the house they move into is haunted. Strange things begin to occur and quickly escalates. No one else seems to notice and they think she is off her rocker, especially because she already recently had a mental health issue triggered by the unwelcome pregnancy.

Here are the quotes. They can apply to any life situation:

“Let’s say you go into a place that has a lot of energy hanging around it, your house say; if you go into a place like that and you’re going through something, stress, anger, a lot of sorrow, regret, anything, well all that energy you’re pouring out is going to bump up against the energy that’s already there; it’s going to rough it up, you see, mess with it and then that energy that was there is going to change; it’s going to react. Im not saying that’s exactly what’s happening in your house but I am saying that we often forget that we’re constantly affecting everything around us, people, environments, old houses in Kansas.”

“You moved into that house and you hated it. You hated this town; you hated your mother; you hated your husband for bringing you here; and most of all you hated that baby inside you and what it did to your perfect life. From all I can see, you’ve done nothing but hate. Are you really surprised that the house started to hate back?”

“Youre too blinded by your search to find something or someone else to blame, arent you? We’ll there are things much bigger than us, Jennifer, things that aren’t so easily categorized or controlled. You might have better luck if you stopped trying to push everything the way you wanted it to go and started looking at the source.”

If we go into something with an already lousy attitude, we will receive even more unpleasant things. Everywhere we look, everywhere we go, things will suck. People, situations, things…will seem to respond to us with even more negativity. We get what we put out. Everything does have energy, pleasant or unpleasant, and we can affect it or let it affect us or reciprocate. Like this character explains, the energy of wherever we are and our own energy can feed off of each other, perpetuate.

So let’s keep our energy positive & safe against whatever negative or life-draining energy is out there! Let our own energy be so powerfully positive that it touches the energy of everything & everyone else for the better!

Here are some things we can do to keep our energy positive. These are things I do myself and love!

Read something positive(quotes, books, short stories)
One of my favorite positive books is an old one called Pollyanna – Eleanor H. Porter about a little girl who is extremely positive even though her and her dad have not had the easiest life; then she suffers a terrible, life-changing, accident and her spirit is crushed. It’s a very uplifting, beautiful story, not tragic or dark. There is some tragedy and sadness involved but it’s ultimately a very happy story with a beautiful life lesson. It’s a life-changing story if we allow it to inspire us and take action to make our own life even more beautiful.

Keep social media newsfeed positive or look for the positive accounts.
My Instagram & Blog space/friends/followers are very positive but Facebook newsfeed and many friends on there(most are strangers/online friends) are very, very negative. They are vicious, vengeful, abusive. My newsfeed is full of political rants, arguments over religion & politics every single day without exception(there is not one day I open fb app & do not see angry/grim posts), people acting in a sanctimonious manner as if they are above the rest in morality, wisdom, intelligence, death wishes for Donald & his followers and others…I often receive a negative comment/message and expect to receive negative comments on there even on the most pleasant/non-controversial posts that I share or just in my inbox for seemingly no reason or a misunderstanding. I am never surprised to wake up and find an unpleasant comment/message waiting for me. I anticipate it.

When I see a notification about a comment/message, automatically I half expect it to be not very kind. Not because I have a negative attitude but because I see how it is everyday on my account. I do receive more positive messages than not but definitely receive a good amount of negative. And I just see it in general in my newsfeed directed at humanity or certain groups of people in general.
They even write negative comments on pictures of me(not everyone & not always but it does happen) or send me inbox messages with insults about my physical appearance/clothing style; I get called ugly, slutty, a bitch, rude, stupid, and whatever else. I receive messages telling me to get off their friends lists because they don’t like my views on things or even merely because I do share their views but still accept those who do not share our view, even something like universal love or positive thinking or not hating others.

I have received insults for not loathing Muslim people, for not wanting Muslim people dead, for voting for the Green party, for not loathing Donald and his followers’ guts(I would not vote for him and do not share most of his views but he is a sentient being and I love him as one – is he despicable in some ways or acts in a despicable way? Yes! But he’s also a sentient being and I do not wish him death, sickness, and other unnecessary misfortune, & because of this, I have been the target of insults, even death wishes[not threats, just wishes!]), for forgetting to vote(sometimes I forget – I work seven days a week, often morning til night & sometimes overnight), for being pro-life in general(not killing insects, animals, the unborn…but i dont negatively judge those who are not pro-life, have/pay for abortions, kill insects…i love everyone!!) Many people only comment when they disagree with me and do not like something. Some have never written one positive or agreeable or even neutral thing to me but they jump in an instant to let me know when they are very unhappy with me. I have people as facebook friends who have been my friend on there for years and have never written me one positive thing in all those years, only negative. Some of them it gets to the point where I block(if I merely unfriend the account, the people often still write to me lol so I block it) their account because they go way overboard with their comments( for example, one person not very long ago who only ever wrote negative things began writing homophobic things on my content) but usually, I do not unfriend/block them.

Also, there are men writing sexual things they want to do with me. Eww sometimes that makes my skin crawl!

Someone explained to me that when men write/say that stuff to me, they aren’t just saying/implying that I’m pretty like aesthetically; they are being pervs. I already had an idea of this but when they say stuff like that, I automatically see the implied compliment that I am beautiful/pretty. My brain often automatically “skips” much of the sexual message or more fully perceives the aesthetic in it. Sometimes I am flattered and sometimes grossed out. Lol

You’ll have to find a woman(or whatever gender) who is into hooking up with men because I’m sure as heck not! I don’t swing that way, never have. But it’s ok; we can still be friends!😊

In the words of M.C. Hammer…

U Can’t Touch This -MC

Sorry bruh, you can’t touch this.😂😭🤣😹

I keep my account public and let anyone comment, even non-friends, on there and I accept almost anyone as a facebook friend and this is the way I plan on keeping it. People come out of nowhere & like/comment on/share my posts even if we are not friends on there n have no friends in common. I do not post anything political, just because it’s not very much my thing, not because i dont want people to know my views. I do not post very controversial content. Most of my content is funny (not offensive funny, just funny funny) and loving. But still, they find something to dislike about it. And when someone asks me my political/religious views, I tell the truth. And they do not always like it. I do like some political posts and occasionally comment on some. I keep the fb account open to the public in case anyone is uplifted/inspired by the content I share. This is at the risk of encountering some very negative attention but worth it.

I usually do not respond to the toxic comments and if I do, it’s always in a pleasant or at least non-vicious way. I have responded negatively before on occasion but now made a choice to rise above that. The comments usually do not get to me, just irk me if anything, but even if they do provoke me to be angry/disturbed, I won’t respond negatively anymore. I do not want to put that kind of energy out into the uni-verse and also, trolls want that and it will just encourage more of their unfortunate behavior. They want negative attention. It will not insult them; they are hoping for it so they can keep negative dialogue going. Best just to let it go.

I do not read much of the things on my newsfeed because of the vitriol. I only post positive things, that can usually apply to anyone, and I know some accounts/groups/pages/people who are only or almost always positive and I look for their accounts. So I would suggest to either only have mostly people who post positive content as friends, skip the negative if we do have some who post negativity, or stay off social media/certain social media accounts, if that is appealing. Either way, block out that negativity or just roll with it.
I do not see/check all of my notifications but the ones I see are usually positive; it’s just there is too much negative thrown in.

Focus on the good no matter how unpleasant things are currently – the sunlight, whatever good things we still do have, a house, enough money even if it’s not a lot, food, pets, friends, family, our health, certain skills…whatever good is around and within! Anything that goes right today, no matter how seemingly simple or trivial, celebrate it, savor it, give thanks. Recently, I spilled hot chocolate and thought it was on my new, pretty pink coat but when I checked, it wasn’t! I stopped for a minute to feel the gratitude(I did spill a latte on it later though and then iced tea – I’m a klutz) One day, i had to use a lock that is difficult. It may or may not work on any given occasion and that day, it worked. I acknowledged it and let it uplift me. I really experienced gratitude to a depth that may be considered disproportionate for the situation. I was just so, so thankful this simple thing happened to go right. And it can be so frustrating having to play with a lock for so long before it locks or opens. Sometimes a lock not working has even infuriated me. I have to deal with locks frequently for work. It is beyond a hassle when they don’t work properly.
And when difficult ones go right, it calls for celebration.

We can take little things like this for granted and go about our day just forgetting or stop for two seconds and consciously experience the gratitude. This life is made up of little gifts in each moment. Let us acknowledge them! It brings more love, beauty, & joy into each day.

Create a positive play list of happy/cheerful/uplifting/funny songs/music. If we are a hearing person. I know some people are deaf and do not listen to music. I’m not excluding anyone; this is just for us who can hear.

These are just some of my many favorite happy/pumped up songs!

Happiest Girl in the Whole U.S.A

This song seriously helped me cope with a severe suicidal depressive episode once. The worst one I was ever hit with. I usually feel that I am the happiest girl in the world. Lol I have a natural positive disposition but I have also experienced depression. Depression is nothing to do with our personality or natural inclination for happiness. Some people are just naturally not happy people but not depressed. And the most naturally happy person can struggle with severe depression. I have always been super happy with a positive attitude. Even when I am depressed, so depressed, I cannot tell where the depression ends and I begin, I can feel my natural positive self underneath. This song reminded me during that suicidal depressive episode, that I once felt like I was the happiest girl in the whole usa and if I felt that way before, I can again. Also the tune is so uplifting and the lyrics are cute. She is singing about how happy her man makes her. Lol I dont have, have never had, and have never wanted a man to be happy about in a romantic way but am just happy in general.

Baby’s Got Her Blue Jeans On

This is another song that helped me cope with a very bad depressive episode. It’s a cheery, funny, uplifting song about a pretty girl in blue jeans who everyone stops and stares at because she’s so lovely. People run to their windows to get a look as she’s walking by, they nearly break their necks looking when they see her outside, and her beauty is even responsible for traffic jams! I love pretty girls in blue jeans too! 😍

I’m Too Sexy

I’m so sexy, it hurts. 😂🤣

It’s a Great Day to Be Alive

Eye of the Tiger

This song has helped me cope with physical pain. Like depression, I have experienced episodes of severe physical pain. It’s a facial pain disorder. It’s usually not bad but can be devastating at some points. This is a song about surviving.
So inspiring!

King of Wishful Thinking

(this is a sad breakup song but his attitude and the music is uplifting)

Get outta my Dreams, Get into my car

Caribbean Queen

“She’s simply awesome…She dashed by me in painted on jeans
And all heads turned ’cause she was the dream”

“I lose my cool when she steps in the room
And I get so excited just from her perfume
Electric eyes that you can’t ignore
And passion burns you like never before”

Well if this song doesn’t get you absolutely pumped, what will?

Private Eyes

They’re watching you, girl! (Lol ok so that seems kind of creepy🤣)

Every step you take, every move you make, I’ll be watching you, baby! Oh, no wait…that’s a different song🤣😭

Man Eater

She’s a strong, powerful woman, so watch out boy….she’ll chew you up. And spit you out like old gum she no longer has any use for. Don’t mess with the tigress. She’s out of your league.

“The beauty is there but a beast is in the heart.”💜

I wouldn’t if I were you.

She’s deadly, man.🖤

I wouldn’t even think about it.

You’re a Movie

“Another day, another victory.”

This is a song about confidence and taking on the world! It’s also kind of funny! The man is full of himself! Lolz

Standing on a corner – Dean Martin

Baby Makes Her Blue Jeans Talk – Dr. Hook

Another song about a beautiful babe in blue jeans! And there’s a pretty girl in this video! Very uplifting
(Can you tell I like my girls in blue jeans? 😍😊Lol I think I prefer a hottie in leggins though – even sexier -Especially if she’s wearing stilettos.)

Girl Watcher – O’Kaysions

When you’re in Love with a Beautiful Woman – dr. Hook (extended version)

If you’re looking for some eye candy, check out this video!! I would definitely have more diversity here though if I were making a video like this. Every single woman in this video is beyond beautiful but I would also add some non-white women and also ones who are not thin along with all the ones here. And different ages. Young, thin, long hair, and white is not the only beautiful! That is beautiful too, for sure, just not the only kind. Also, I love this extended version. And before any feminists flip out on me(lol jk)I know there are more important things than physical beauty; that’s just one thing I love. I just can’t help it; pretty girls are my weakness!

Bad Mama Jama

“She’s built, she’s stacked”

Oh yes she is!

“All the curves that men like…
Got all the curves men like”

She got all the curves that I like too!

“I get so excited
Viewing her anatomy”

So do I, bro!

Another fun, uplifting, catchy song!

In case you can’t tell, I have a thing for pretty girls. When I was a young girl and used to go to my dad’s work office, I used to sneak the playboy magazines they had hidden in there. I knew where they kept the stash and used to carry off with them and steal away into the closet flipping through them. I just loved looking at all those pretty girls.😍 (still do)

I’m not shallow or objectifying. I know there is much more to a woman than her physical beauty but nothing wrong with also acknowledging it! Women(Including trans women and trans people with physical feminine features)are the most beautiful creatures on the face of this Earth. ❤

Me!❤

Beast of Burden – Bette Midler

I LOVE this version by Bette Midler! The tone, singing, and all is more passionate, in my opinion, than the original. I also love the general feminist stance it seems to convey, whether or not it’s intentional. It’s about the unfortunate situation of men using women for their own pleasure, not caring about what the woman wants, thinks, feels. She sings about her little sister being a pretty, pretty girl who men use then throw away and her sister asks what’s the matter with her and wonders if maybe she is not good enough in some way. “Little sister” doesn’t just have to be her actual sister but can be symbolic of any woman or women/girls in general. The tone is so uplifting and the video is hilarious and inspiring! I love it!! Even though this song seems to have romantic or sexual overtones, I see it in a platonic way & I can relate to it but in a platonic way. Maybe most of us can. Haven’t you ever had a friend use you or only come around when the person wants something and doesn’t seem to value the friendship itself? I love how this song conveys the pain of that but with a passionate, pumped up tone. I am not being heterosexist. It’s just that this song/video seems to be about men using women. I know not all romantic relationships involve a man and a woman. There can me two men/two women/other genders…Not everyone is either male or female. Some are non-binary, agender, bigender, trigender, I think pangender, genderfluid, genderqueer…I acknowledge and support all. 🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍🌈

And I love Bette’s sense of humor! I have always loved her! I never met or talked to her but she is one of my favorite people. I have always felt some sense of connection to her. I will admit, many years ago, my opinion of her was lowered once after seeing her in an interview where she was asked her opinion on same-sex marriage. I do not remember exactly what she said but remember the gist of it and her careless attitude on the subject. Something like same-sex marriage should be legal because “it’s not hurting anyone” and her tone was kind of just like “meh, who cares either way but why the hell not…it’s not hurting anyone” I felt a crushing sensation in my chest. The way she acted as if it’s just a luxury heteros can just happen to afford to extend to those “less fortunate” or “second class,” as if it’s not a basic right and as if equality is not crucial. My first thought, automatically upon hearing her view was “Well, fuck you Bette Midler!” And I looked at the comment section on the video and the first one I saw was “Well fuck you Bette Midler!” Lol I was satisfied that my literal, exact sentiment was voiced out loud (or at least written) by someone else.
But anyway, I still love Bette and she is very sexy with a sexy attitude!

Breathe out deeply – Breathe in deeply and slowly through the nose and breathe out even more slowly and deeply. The chest should not move, just the abdomen(this is the healthiest, most relaxing way to breathe). I love the feeling of breathing out and it works wonders for relaxing the body even if we’re not anxious or anything; it just has a soothing, cathartic effect. And is very pleasurable.

We can imagine breathing in bright, white light that sparkles and is everything good and imagine breathing out dark smoke and breathing out words like “tension,” “stress,” “pain,” “fear…..” or we can imagine breathing out love into the world.

Listen to/meditate to Weightless – 8 minute long version – or Official 10 hour long version considered to be the most calming song in the world.

It’s scientifically tested and works well. May be better to listen at night as it may provoke drowsiness.

Neuroscience Says Listening to This Song Reduces Anxiety by Up to 65 Percent

Do simple, uplifting things – paint nails in pretty, uplifting colors (if we are into nail polish), wear pretty/inspiring jewelry, clothes that we love for any reason…just catching a glimpse of something pretty, inspiring, lovely, even just a nail polish color…can be so uplifting. Sometimes I wear pj’s outside all day and notice it’s much more uplifting when I wear regular clothes out. Someone else may wear pj’s and not have this experience but the point is wear whatever clothes bring out the positive feelings. I like wearing tight clothes, leggins, short shirts, even in Winter and wear inspiring jewelry like with a lotus flower, om symbol, Buddha….

Go for a stroll in the sunshine or whatever weather is uplifting to us. I love walking in the rain! It’s like I don’t have a care in the world when I’m walking in a light, rainy mist. Like nothing can touch me.

Just me!💜

Watch a fun comedy movie – I love horror movies and watch them frequently. They are my guilty pleasure. I fall asleep watching them. Recently I even had a nightmare about one and I do not have nightmares!! Or any bad dreams! Almost never.
I love horror movies but if I watch a lot of them very close together for a while, I sometimes begin to sense them wearing on my energy, draining it, affecting it in a less than positive way. They are fun & thrilling, sometimes thought-provoking. They keep us guessing and are exciting. But they are negative. Killings, fear, horror, attacks, violence, jumpiness…not very good for the mind. I do notice myself a bit jumpy if I watch them a lot. Some drs have reccommended people with depression/anxiety not watch them ever even if not currently depressed or anxious and some have suggested no one watch them ever. It makes sense. They’re grusome, dark, negative…but they are just too fun and thrilling for those of us who love them! I do not watch true criminal movies. Only fiction. I dont like real violence or criminal acts and don’t get off on the real suffering of others.
Thankfully, I also love sappy, cheesy comedies! These are uplifting, cute, inspiring, funny…and good to throw them into the mix so as not to be weighted down by the horror. How about watching a sweet rom com or bestfriend movie! It seems like a kind of irony that this whole post is based on a horror movie and Im suggesting we lay off the horror. Lol Horror movies can be quite inspiring as well. They are often based on or involve a will to survive. But balance is good.
Some movies I love are What Happens in Vegas, Dumb & Dumber, For a Good Time, Call, Employee of the Month, Miss Congeniality, Jinxed…I just go to the comedy section on movie apps and see what I can find! I love kiddie/family movies!

Color – I have coloring books and something called Zentangle(a form of drawing for any ages/ability levels). It’s very calming & fun and simple. No skills needed! I don’t always color a lot but sometimes in the mood for it.

Compliment others, even strangers, sincerely. I’m sometimes too shy to do this but when I do get up the courage, it brightens someone else’s day! This puts positive energy out into the uni-verse.

Random acts of kindness or any act of kindness. Smile at strangers, make eye contact, buy food for a homeless person, give someone working a tip, give bread to squirrels/pigeons/sparrows, put cards with uplifting quotes around for random people to find…

Save a life or three❤💚

Red Cross

Meditate – My favorite meditation music: Prayer to Kuan Yin (Kuan Yin is goddess of mercy)

Some other favorites:

Miraculii Invoking Prayer & Meditation with binaural beats

Kuan Yin Rosary of Mercy

Primitive Emancipation

And whatever else brings feelings of joy, love, inspiration, calmness! You can add your own! Let’s just remember to keep that energy positive. Vibrate higher and let our loving energy be what permeates the environment around us and dominates. Even if our schedule is very busy, we can try to take even just a few minutes to do something positive or uplifting, even just five minutes of conscious breathing.

Much love to you wherever in the world you are! I wish you peace, love, & light.

Xoxo Kim❤

So THIS is happening💚

(Living kidney donor screening questionnaire)

You’ll never see exactly where the road will lead you, and when it comes to love, you gamble when you need to..
You’ll maybe break your heart on one unlucky throw… but then again, You’ll Never know…❤

You’ll Never Know – Ringo Starr

It’s happening.

I have been holding onto this big dream for many, many years. Since I was a young woman, I had this one big thing I knew I would grow up to do. But it is a dream that felt “too big.” Too scary. Too complicated. Out of my league. So I would put it off and say “some day.” It will happen. Some day. One day. Way into the future.
I had various excuses. I should be older first. I should graduate college first. I should have a place of my own first. I should have a “real job” first, Im probably not qualified because I have depression…..so many “shoulds.”
A year and a half ago, just out of the blue, this dream began to nag me day & night. I kept telling it to go away that I would get around to it. Some day. But it would not let up. It was on my mind day and night. It was in my dreams while I slept! It was the first thing on my mind when I woke up in the morning! It was the last thing falling asleep. It made no sense; it came out of nowhere like this. I thought about it for years off and on but then it just came to stay. And nag me every second.

So I gave in and said ok. I did research all day and night and prepared myself as best as I could to make the call. To answer the call.
I changed my diet and became a health nut. I stopped drinking soda and lots more water. I started walking even more than usual. I began consuming lots more fruits and vegetables. I talked to various people who already did what I will do, and others involved, about my plan and what it will be like. They were all positive and encouraging.

But still, I kept telling myself circumstances can be better. I have to wait. Wait for what? Who knows…but I have to wait. But it nagged me. The dream, it would not give up calling to me.

Finally I gave in. And one day, some day became today.

I answered the call and made the call.

I contacted the Kidney Transplant center and offered one of my kidneys to the next person on the wait list. Whoever it is, I do not know or care. All I know is, this is a person who has to live and wants to live. And that is enough for me.

So today. This is happening.

I am now beginning the process of donating one of my kidneys…..to a random stranger at a transplant center here in Philadelphia. Someone I have never met and probably will never meet because I am choosing the completely anonymous way.

What in the WHAT?!?!

Me? Just an average girl who lives at home with mom, sister, and dad. An average girl with an average job. No special talents or skills. I’m not adventurous and never travel anywhere, dont go on vacations, dont have lots of friends, always had average grades in school, I was never a fitness freak or health nut, havent run marathons, or won any awards, I go to work each day and then straight home, the simplest, most average life imaginable….so what business do I have taking a plunge like this, having my gut sliced open and a kidney cut off my bladder, possibly dying on the operating table(ok so that’s a bit dramatic and is rare), for a random person I do not know and probably never will?

Well, I have two healthy kidneys and a big ‘ole heart and just a little bit of courage….and that is just about all I need to embark on this incredible journey of love.

I am about to undergo a battery of extensive, extremely thourough medical & psychiatric testing. My entire body, inside and out, head to toe, will be examined and I will spend grueling hours with multiple mental health professionals for psychiatric testing to make sure I’m not batshit cray for volunteering to give my kidney to a total stranger. (I promise I’m not! I’m just a universal lover who strongly believes everyone is just as important as my own family/friends) and they want to make sure I’m emotionally strong enough to endure the entire process and that I am not being coerced into it. It’s not all pretty and not for the faint of heart. I will have to meet with a nutritionist or dietician and financial counselors (because I will be out of work for months recovering and have to show them that I will still be good financially.)

I have a history of major depressive disorder(im much much better and not depressed now at all & no longer treated), a kidney stone in 2007 that led to emergency surgery(I remember thinking “well damn I guess im not going to be allowed to donate a kidney one day now” and that is one of the first things I said to my mom upon waking).

These are known as relative disqualifiers, which means I can be rejected for them but will not necessarily be. The team has to know more about them. There are absolute disqualifiers that will render someone ineligible at every transplant center. These include HIV(I am a regular blood donor and do not have this), diabetes(hopefully don’t have this but don’t know – it’s the #1 thing leading to kidney disease), serious high blood pressure problems(dont have this), hep (no), cancer(hopefully not!)…

Currently, I’m in the screening process to see if I even stand a chance at all; some people are rejected right off before testing even begins. They are going to review my application at the center and if they believe it’s all good, they will contact me back and tell me to come on in for the official process to begin!

If they just toss it out, at least I tried! I reached out in love and that will have to be enough. But if they say no, I will move on to a different transplant center until one gives me a chance. It is extremely difficult to be accepted as a living donor. Most people are not healthy enough. And many are considered to be just not cut out for it emotionally. It’s no joke! It’s a very serious, serious matter that just is not for everyone.
The average person would be rejected because of physical health issues and then financial issues. We do not pay for the transplant or donor surgery but we do pay for any medical complications we may experience; there are traveling/hotel expenses, and we’re out of work for months and will not be getting paid. I live right here so no traveling expenses for me. If one transplant center rejects us for a relative disqualifier, another may accept us.

This one is a good choice because I read about some of the doctors and they are very warm and caring. There is an altruistic kidney donor here in Philadelphia who gave her kidney to a man also in Philadelphia and this is the center they had their transplant. The story is beautiful. He cried to be loved so much by a complete stranger. And she joked and said he’s crying because he has a woman’s kidney. They did theirs a different way. She chose him and happened to be a match and healthy enough. She chose to remain anonymous at first then revealed herself. Theirs is called altruistic directed. She heard his story about his need for a kidney and got tested for him specifically. I am doing non-directed where there is no specific person in mind. It will go to the sickest who I am a match for. This is always anonymous and I prefer this.

I hope this can inspire anyone else with a dream or goal to go on and take that very first step if it’s something that truly resonates with you. We all have fear in us and love in us. If something resonates with us and calls to us, and we say no or ignore it because we are afraid it wont work out, afraid of getting hurt, afraid it will not go as planned….afraid of anything, we are acting on the fear instead of the love. Is that any way to live? If something just is not worth it to us and we are afraid, that is one thing and is ok to say no to it. But if something is our passion and our calling and we say no out of fear, that sucks! Fear is not worthy of being the one that gets our attention. Love is.

So go ahead, reach out, take the plunge, whatever is calling to you, nagging you, resonating with you, go for it! Even if we are currently unsure about something, it certainly won’t hurt to find out more about it. And if all falls to pieces, at least we can be proud to say we tried and our action was aligned with our truth, life philosophy, passion. At least we can say we acted on love and kicked that fear to the curb.

People have asked me “What if you die?” And my response is, I would prefer to die a young woman on an operating table living my dream than die a healthy old woman, safe in my bed, never even trying because I listened to the fear in me and ignored the Love. What if I die? Then at least I will die living & loving. How does that old cliche go? Something like, what matters is not how long we live but how well we live, not the number of years in our life but the life in our years.

Isn’t that what life is all about? Taking chances, big or small, reaching out, being all that we can be, doing the best we can, then letting go and whatever will be will be. It’s not about cowering in a corner, shaking, living safely in a bubble, not doing what we dream of, just to die in the end anyway. Shake. Be terrified. Let your hands tremble and sweat and your mouth dry up in fear. Let your voice quiver and your legs turn to jelly. Push through that overwhelming “I can’t do this” and “I’m not cut out for it” feeling and try. Maybe we really can’t do this. We all have something that for whatever reason, we can’t do. Maybe we truly aren’t cut out for it. Maybe we don’t have the skills or the heath or the ability. And that is ok! But what isn’t good is not even trying because of fear.

Take that first step anyway and keep, keep going for as long as you can. Conquer that terror. Show it who is really the boss here. Welcome it, let it take up residence here in your world, embrace it as a companion but don’t let it win! Let the love ultimately win.

“Death is inevitable. Living a life we can be proud of is something we can control.” ~ Claire Wineland
(Claire was a beautiful, bold, brave young woman who died of an unexpected complication during recovery following a successful lung transplant)

Does this dream of mine scare me? Oh yes! I am pissing my pants! There are so many ways to fail at this, so many chances for me to be rejected, so many things that can go wrong with my body during surgery and even during some of the medical tests and even years later even if all goes well. The remaining kidney can stop working after the other is removed and it may not happen til years later but that is rare. I hear there is ironically a mandatory test to check my kidneys to make sure they are healthy but this very test can make them fail?! The transplant team can decide that I am a total basket case during the evaluations. They can find cancer during all the scans I have to get. And the list goes on of all the things I have to fear.

But the love in me is what is winning. The love is what I will focus on all throughout this journey wherever it will lead me to and no matter how short or long lived it is. Fear will take the back burner where it belongs. And love will lead the way.

So yeah, this 💩 is finally happening!

Wish us luck!

Much love, light, & courage to you; be brave, be bold, be strong; keep going; whatever it is you got this!❤

Xoxo Kim

Krampus👹🎅💚🎄

“On a cold winter night much like this
It was almost christmas but this christmas was darker, less cheerful, but i still believed in Santa, in magic, and miracles, and the hope that we could find joy again.
But our village had given up on miracles and on each other. They had forgotten the spirit of christmas, the sacrifice of giving, n my family was no different. I tried to help them to believe again but we were no longer the loving family i remembered. They too had given up. N eventually so did I.”

I love Christmas, the whole holiday season, and scary movies! Krampus is a combination of both! Very Christmasy but also scary. There is something about the concept of Krampus that I find to be inspiring. He is supposed to be an ancient spirit who comes to inflict punishment upon those who have lost their Christmas spirit or those who just don’t care about the goodness of the season. Even though he is evil, he’s like a reminder to never stop seeing the beauty in the holiday season.

If we give up on love, lose hope, have a cold, stingy attitude, not welcome the beauty around us, we may not be punished by an ancient evil spirit but we will be punished by our own head/mind.

I am in the Christmas spirit all year long and especially when it’s the actual holiday season!
I am all for the decorations, the happy holidays & merry christmases, the snow and holiday songs, the sappy movies, the giving, the cafes with all the seasonal flavored lattes and hot cocoa, cookies, candles, the cold, the early nightfall, fireplaces, cozy pj’s; Im all decked out in Christmas pjs and leggings and shirts.

I have always loved the bell in the Krampus movie! It’s the bell he leaves after he snatches non-believers/bah humbug people into the underworld. This year, I ordered a replica of it! It’s just like the one in the movie! At first I wasnt sure if I would get the Polar Express bell(Polar Express is a cute, inspiring, family/kid oriented Christmas movie about never stopping our belief in Santa Claus n never losing the Christmas spirit so sort of similar to Krampus but without the evil spin lol) but decided to get the Krampus one because I love the horror aspect of it and love that the Krampus bell has his name on it. And it looks ancient! I love the German pronounciation, the way the grandma in the movies says it, like Crumb-pus, like a crumb of food. I think most people say it like Cramp-us, like a leg cramp. Lol Anyway, I pronounce it the German way even though I have an American accent.

“I knew santa claus was not coming this year. Instead it was a much darker, more ancient spirit. The shadow of Santa Claus. It was Krampus. And as he had for thousands of years, Krampus came not to reward but to punish, not to give but to take, he n his helpers. I could only listen as they dragged my family into the underworld knowing that I would be next. But Krampus didnt take me that night. He left me as a reminder of what happens when hope is lost, when belief is forgotten, and the Christmas spirit dies.”

These are a couple quotes out of the movie. A reminder to not lose hope, not give up on love, to keep giving & believing all year long. A lot of people find the holiday to be stressful, sad, depressing, dumb…and whatever else. If we stop for a moment and look around though, we can see goodness and beauty in it. If nothing else, look at the beauty of all the lights in the darkess of nightfall and the cheerful decorations that people are so motivated & inspired to put all around their houses. It takes a lot of work, determination, & cheer to care to do that! We can appreciate that if nothing else.

I hope you are having a beautiful day or night wherever in the world you are! 💚

Xoxo Kim ❤🎄

Beauty up above❤

“There’s beauty up above & things we never take notice of…”💚

Suddenly – Billy Ocean

A reminder to stop occasionally and bask in the beauty all around us. There are so many beautiful things we often overlook. Imagine the extra joy, love, beauty…that can be in our world if we stop for a second each day to savor the moment and all the things that make up each moment, the sounds, the views all around, the scents in the air, the feelings, the buildings, the sky, the people, the animals, sunlight, cool breeze, the changing of the seasons…

No matter how busy we are, how stressed, depressed, or how happy and calm and peaceful we already are, let us stop and appreciate the boundless beauty surrounding us and within. It can be in any form and come to us through any senses, intellect, feeling…

I hope you’re having a beautiful day or night wherever in the world you are!

Much love,

Xoxo Kim

Baby❤

I haven’t posted here in a while and decided to update. Here is a pic of my (somewhat) new baby, Ralphie! He came to live with us a couple months ago. He is a happy, playful boy and slobbers a lot & gives lots of kisses! He loves humans & animals.

Isn’t he just adorable?!❤❤❤

I would like to start posting more here again! My photo space is getting full. I’ll have to start paying to get more!

I hope you are having a beautiful day or night wherever in the world you are!💚

Xoxo Kim🐾❤💜

Look for the good {gratitude}❤

One way to practice gratitude that is different than an ordinary gratitude list is to write a list of things that seem wrong, difficult, challenging, bad….then put a positive spin on them or make a conscious decision to see the good or create the good in them.
Here’s mine.

1.) My hemoglobin/iron level has been dropping consistently for the last six months for a reason unknown (Scary!) but I’m thankful it’s still at a safe level even though it’s considered to be at an anemic level now. It only drops slightly and only just now became anemic but it shouldn’t be dropping at all, consistently. This is an opportunity for me to get even healthier now, healthier diet, work on less stress factors, more consistent meditation, self care…This should bring it back up as long as there’s no underlying issue/illness making it drop. Hopefully it’s just that I need some dietary/lifestyle changes. I work/walk/exercise excessively, to extreme levels, and under-eat(My body weight is healthy though). I don’t have an eating disorder. And it’s not a conscious decision; it happened over time and is not something I wanted to happen. It just did. But now my body is demanding I rest and make healthier decisions in other ways. And that’s a good thing!

2.) Because of this I cannot donate blood and I’m a regular blood donor. Very disappointing. The Red Cross wont let me because it’s not safe for me to lose even a small amount of blood even though it’s safe for any recipient to get my blood, but at least I have the desire to help and try to. Sometimes that just has to be enough! And another good thing…they still let me have the free snacks!😂

3.) I have these rainshoes that cut my skin and are very uncomfortable. But so is walking around with soaked shoes & socks all day. So it’s either severe blisters or soaked, yucky shoes & socks when it rains. Both are sucky. But at least my body has the ability to heal the cuts. It’s a reminder to be thankful that it functions the way it should. I choose the soaked shoes n socks. Wet feet can dry very quickly while cuts take longer to heal and can potentially get infected. Also, I probably shouldnt be losing blood with my low hemoglobin thing going on. I tried different kinds of rainshoes and none work out.
4.) I have been struggling with very severe, absolutely debilitating health anxiety (which I never had before) for the last two months and this was before I found out about my hemoglobin issue so imagine my horror when I found this out!! That’s all I need is to hear this now! I have been convinced for two months that I’m about to die (In just a month I was convinced I had over ten different kinds of rare cancer and Google had me dead in less than a year – it may be in your best interest to stay off google if you are struggling with health anxiety! For example, I had some little thing I cant even remember now and put it in google just to check. What’s the first thing that comes up? Pancreatic cancer. Thoroughly freaked me out until Im in a near panic. I was never like this!!) and now this(low hemoglobin can be a result of cancer)! But my terrible anxiety inspired me to do something and I found a beautiful meditation that is so inspiring and full of love. So soothing, calming, peaceful, serene, healing. Stunning. Kuan Yin – Om Mani Padme Hum

It’s a short meditation just over six minutes long. We can put it on replay to meditate longer or just play it as soothing background music while doing other things.

These are a few things that are not good but either because of them I found something good or I was able to see or create the good in them. Try it! We can never go wrong with that! No matter how seemingly serious or trivial, list it and look for the positive aspect. This gets our mind into the habit of being thankful or deepens our gratitude if we’re already frequently grateful. It can be uplifting to list good things but may be helpful in another way to list “bad” things then the good in those bad things.

I hope you are having a beautiful day or night wherever in the world you are! Hugs to you if you are struggling with health anxiety or any health issues. Meditation really helps me, even just a few minutes of conscious breathing in the morning and/or at night is powerful.❤

Much love, light, & inner peace,

Kim

For anyone in need of some cheer❤💛🐾

This is for anyone struggling in any way today whether it’s something seemingly minor like a common cold, hectic day at work, bad mood…or something that may seem more serious like depression, grief, anxiety, health issues…two young, happy, healthy bulldogs!!

They aren’t mine; I’m their nanny! Any pets’ pics I post, I have permission!

Today, my world crumbled on top of me when my boss called me to tell me not one but TWO of my furbabies are dead today. I am shattered. Losing them is like losing my own. I don’t know what to do with myself. The two dogs who died were(are) a significant part of me like my own. It’s definitely ultimately the loss of their families but being a pet(or human kid) nanny, we come to love them like our own. This is very heavy pain. I always knew this day would come but can’t believe it’s actually today. One(two) of my worst nightmares has come true. Today.

My love goes out to the families. Both losses are unexpected. The one furbaby had cancer and was old but he was doing well then took a turn for the worst like out of nowhere. The other baby was not quite as old and not sick at all and no one knows what happened. He just got sick out of nowhere. I took care of both babies for over two years and this is the part of the job that sucks. I fed them, walked them, slept in bed with them, played with them, dried them off after the rain or snow… Like I have said before, this work comes with immense love but also immense heartache.❤💔❤🐾

I lost two of my own dogs to death in October, one expectedly & one unexpectedly, and it’s challenging to lose two so close together like now. I can’t grieve for both together because they are two separate beings and two separate relations to them. And grief is so all encompassing and needs all the attention but I can’t give it the attention it needs because there’s two at once to grieve for. The grief for each one doesn’t blend together. It stays separate. And both need my attention but it’s physically difficult to do that. Now I’m just numb.

It’s different with love. I can love both separately, easily. They both had very loving furever homes and will always be loved.

Anyway, the babies here are still very much alive and here to brighten your day as they brighten mine! They are sweet and loving and snuggly and can be kind of naughty! The big boy is about four years old and the little girl is ten weeks! She was just adopted to be his lil sis! They look so much alike! She’s like his lil mini me! They get along so well! But of course, just like any big brother, he can get a bit sad & jealous when she gets attention.

I make sure to give both all the love!

Since I’m absolutely shattered today my first thought is to try to bring some love to someone else so here are these sweet lil babies!

Much love & light…and hugs to you!❤

Xoxo Kim

In loving memory of sweet Boo, boo❤🐾

How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard.”❤

This is Boo. I was his nanny for two years. I just received heartbreaking news that he died. He was very sick and thankfully very old so he lived a long life for a kitty. His mommy & daddy gave him the best, loving furever home a kitty can have, along with his brother, a doggy.

He was the sweetest kitty, so loving and gentle. He never bit or scratched me when I would give him his medication in a syringe even though he did not like it at all. He loved treats and pets and kisses and would purr & meow happily when I visited.

I used to not handle grief & loss well. I used to view the loss of a human or animal I knew as something insurmountable, something I couldn’t possibly overcome. Often when someone would die, I wanted to die too, to stop the pain. Sometimes, I still have fleeting moments like that. To me, it’s just as devastating to lose an animal as to lose a human, although I have much more experience with losing animals and have felt it to be less traumatic than losing a human.

I have learned to see loss as a “side effect” or “byproduct” of being “given” the beautiful gift of someone to love so deeply. Instead of focusing on the loss part, I focus on the “given” part. I did not have to be “given” this pet or person in the first place. Instead of seeing it as something being taken away, I see the gift of what I got to have and hold so close.

Most of my pain when someone dies is not for me but for the one whose life was taken. But I see it the same way, life is a gift and that human or animal got to experience it even if just for a short while. Boo was happy and so well loved and always will be loved. Even though his life has ended, what matters is that he lived.

It was & is so devastating to receive the news about my sweet Boo boo but I’m so thankful I got to know and love him for the two years I did and my love for him will continue as long as I live.

His mommy & daddy wrote me a message and said they are thankful he had a nanny who loves him like my own.

This is the worst part of my job, having to say goodbye. Losing a furry client can be like losing my own. What is the difference? I come to know them and love them and take care of them. Sometimes I even have them overnight and sleep in bed with them, falling asleep with them at night and waking up with them in the morning, like living with them.

Sometimes the pain of losing them is or seems unbearable. And because there are so many of all different ages, sometimes we lose a couple so close together and I wonder what I got myself into taking a job like this.

Animals are so fragile and have naturally short lifespans so I don’t expect to have them around as long as I expect to have humans around (and I shouldn’t even really expect it of humans). In this way, it makes it not quite as traumatic or stressful as a human I know dying but it doesn’t lessen the pain of my loss either. Losing a pet is still like being gutted.

I’m so thankful not only that I get to love the furbabies I take care of but get to love their humans as well. People are always so very thankful to know that while they are away, their furkids are being loved & cared for so well. Even with the pain of loss, it is very worth it.

I knew Boo wasn’t doing very well. I always give the furbabies kisses goodbye but on my last day with Boo, I gave him one last extra kiss goodbye. I did not truly believe it would be the last day I saw him. I’m so thankful for that last kiss.

My heart goes out to Boo’s family.❤

My love goes out to all grieving the loss of a pet.❤ They are our family, our furever loves and not everyone understands our love for them and the profound pain of our loss when they must leave us.🐾❤

Much love,

Kim