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Reminder♡

Recently, one of my furbabies died. Not one of mine who I live with but one who I took care of while her furmama goes away on business trips. Her name is Pinky & she was a little Boston terrier mix and so adorable. Just like my baby, Boobie, Pinky is a mama of twins. She has twin boys and my sweet girl has boy/girl twins! ♡ Also, Pinky was thirteen years old when she died just like Boobie. I find this loss shattering just like when my own die. It’s one of the downfalls of having a job working with many animals. The more we come to know and love deeply, the more we lose. The one thing that brings me a great sense of consolation after this terrible loss is, I loved Pinky fully while she was alive. I still love her now but now it’s just a feeling in my mind as there’s nothing I can do for her. When she was alive, I acted on my feeling of love for her, spoiling her and doing as much as I could. To know this and remember it is a great source of comfort, helping to heal my grief. 

I always loved taking care of Pinky and her baby boys. The one dog doesn’t like to stay out long for walks so I take him out to go potty then bring him back and Pinky never wanted to come home! She always wanted to stay out and would run back to the door for a second, longer walk after bringing the little boy back. So I would almost always take her & the other little boy back for a longer walk even when it was late and I was ready to call it a day. 

I prefer when my workday ends earlier than late. It’s not that I prefer less work, I just like when it ends before it gets late. I don’t mind working into the night. It’s just my preference though to have my workday end earlier. But when the babies want me to stay, I stay, even when my work is done. So I would stay and take Pinky for her second, longer walk whenever I could.  Sometimes, I would even be thinking consciously, they aren’t going to live forever, we aren’t going to live forever. I want to make them as happy as I can while I can. 

And after each visit, I always would kiss them goodbye, sometimes more than once. I would sit on the sofa for extra cuddles with them no matter how late it got. 

The reason I share this isn’t to brag about how much good I did. It’s to share my own example of how loving more makes it so much easier to cope with a devastating loss. All I have is my grief and painful sense of loss, which is just a usual reaction to losing someone or something we love. I have no guilt or regrets surrounding it, no “if only’s…”. I share this hoping others will be reminded to cherish everything present right now. Go the distance to help others even if it puts us out a little bit, even if we’re ready to go home and sleep or rest, savor every moment we have with our pets, family, friends, and remember to stop and appreciate our job, house, stage of life we are currently in, even inanimate objects that may seem trivial. When we appreciate & love fully & give thanks right now, it’s easier when we have to say goodbye. It may not lessen our sense of grief or loss but will help so we don’t have an additional struggle of regretting and feeling as if we missed out or could have done better. The main reason I want to love more always, isn’t for me, so I don’t struggle with regret or guilt, but for them, for everyone else, to make the world a better place wherever I can. But it’s also good to not have to be sorry we did not love more. And that’s the aspect I’m focusing on in this post. 

The loss of Pinky is so, so incredibly heartbreaking to me just like when my own furbabies get old and die. It feels like something in my chest being ripped out, physically. Especially when I think about her harness. She would lift her little legs to get them in it when I would go over to her with it. It knocked the wind out of me when my boss told me. But it’s really her sweet mama’s loss(and her twin pups). My heart goes out to her furmama who loves and takes great care of them. And to her puppies who lost their furry mama. All three dogs were always very close. ♡ Pinky had a beautiful, happy life with her loving family. In every experience, I find life lessons to be learned and reminded of. No matter how painful an experience is, there is something we can find in it and use to bring a little bit more beauty to the world. 

So this is a reminder to us all to love more. ♡♡♡ Love as much as possible. 

I hope you are having a beautiful day or night wherever in the world you are. Much love & light to you. ~Hugs~ ♡♡♡ 

Xoxo Kim

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Update 

This isn’t my photo. I took a screen cap of it on Facebook on the cafe’s account. This is Sal. I posted about him in my post: A Light in the Darkness♡

I’m so sad to write, shortly after I published my post that night, Sal died. It hurts to write those words. He was 55 years old. As I said, I did not know him but know he was one of the best people in the world. I believe the world lost something so significant when it lost Sal. He did so much to help animals & humans and loved so deeply. Even though hes gone, his love lives on. ♡ My love goes out to his family & friends & work family and all devastated by this loss. How traumatic for them to lose someome so suddenly, so unexpectedly. But what a blessing it is to have known or even just met or heard of him! Isn’t this an adorable pic?! 

And on a happier note, the retrievers I posted about here: If you could be

I later found out, the little boy doesn’t bark at all! Even with his own family. The little girl very rarely barks! How cute! It’s not very commonplace to meet a doggy who doesn’t bark at all, ever! There’s a certain dog breed who doesn’t bark but it’s not goldens! 


And on a not so happy note, I made a bad decision at work today, using bad judgment, got in trouble, and it cost my boss some money. I wasnt sure if i was still going to have a job. All day filled with anxiety, tension, distress… If I were someone who labels days as “bad days,” today would be one but I know there’s no such thing as a “bad day.” Everyday, bad & good things happen and I always choose to honor the good, even if just a sliver. 



It’s very rare, almost unheard of, for me to ever think “I can’t way til this day is over” but earlier, very briefly, I was tempted to think that way. Then I felt guilty and realized this day is BEAUTIFUL. This day is full of love, warmth, light, possibility, & beautiful Earth angels. I choose to put my focus on those & cherish them. I give thanks to this day and all the blessings it brings me.

Today, I was outside having trouble with a gate and a random stranger walked up and helped me. Just out of nowhere. He saw me struggling and was kind enough to help. Thank you, Earth angel. My heart wells up with gratitude. ♡

Earlier today, a homeless man asked me for money. As I was walking away, money fell out of my bag and I did not notice and he called me back! “Hey darlin’, you dropped this” A man who lives on the streets with very little to no money each day, called me to let me know I dropped some money. It was just some change, not much at all. But to a homeless person, it can be a lot. And instead of acting in a selfish, greedy manner, he chose to act in love. ♡♡♡

I met an adorable little boy today. I love kids (not for me though! Lol) & always have the urge to talk to them and say hello. I think kids brighten the day! But I don’t want to encourage them to talk to strangers. If they have a positive, safe experience with me, they may think it’s ok to talk to other adult strangers. Also, their families probably teach them not to talk to strange adults and I don’t want to “undo” that. But today, a little boy came over and asked to pet my dogs. The retrievers above. The goldens love everyone, humans & adults, and his mom gave him permission to pet them and talk to me so I let him. It’s the most adorable thing seeing a little kid hugging a dog! And the babies loved being loved by him. ♡

The little boy was so happy and proudly telling me all about how he just started Kindergarten. That’s a great accomplishment for a little boy! He was telling me what I have to do if I want to go to Kindergarten! His mom and me were laughing. How cute! ♡ My heart just melts.

Also, I met an adorable little chi today who looks just like my boy! ♡ 


My boy ♡

And, my boss is collecting clothes & things to help the people devastated by the hurricane in Puerto Rico. I’m so thankful to see so much light brought into the darkness. And look who crawled into my donations bag! Lol ♡

 Little Miss Lacey! ♡ She’s not being donated! My love goes out to all of those affected by these natural disasters. 
There’s so much goodness all around us. It’s so easy to see and even when it isn’t, if we only look, it’s here, there, everywhere. ♡

Much love & light, always, ♡

xoxo Kim 

Kindness♡

(Diane – July 14, 1956 – February 14, 2015)

“Treat everyone with kindness, even those who are rude to you – not because they are kind, but because you are.”

I wrote this about a week ago but never posted it so here it is!

Recently, I have had some difficult interactions with some people acting unreasonably and petty. I have been pissed for the last couple days and so distressed it triggered a severe flareup of my chronic pain disorder. Last night I laid awake in agony. It was one of my worst experiences. I felt like I was going insane. And it’s all my own doing. I let those people drive me to this point.
Today when I was out walking, I caught myself thinking of ways to unleash my anger in unpleasant ways. I wanted people to know what I think of them (it’s definitely not kind, loving thoughts!) and I realized that my usual kind, loving, patient self was pushed aside and very unpleasant, destructive emotions took the place of the love & patience I usually experience & display.

While I was standing there dwelling on my resentment for the people I had unpleasant encounters with and conjuring up unkind ways to let them know of my resentment, I thought of Diane. My close friend who always talked to and about me and bragged about me like I was her own daughter. She has three sons and grandchildren but no daughter of her own. Her love for me always seemed like a mother’s love. 

I used to have it planned to have a job working with people with “extra/special” needs. Diane knew that those kinds of jobs arent the easiest and not always pleasant. She worked at a hospital for a while. She told me one of her worst fears was that I would lose my patience, softness, warmth, kindness….if I had to encounter people who are not easy to deal with. She said she couldn’t bear to think of me changing. As I write this, my heart wells up with gratitude, love, warmth….someone who loved me so much, the real me, that she was terrified of me changing! To have a love like that is a blessing. Diane is no longer is this world and I still struggle so hard with my deep grief, even years later, but not once since losing her have I ever felt that I lost her love. I carry it with me always. Her love for me will survive as long as I do. And even longer since I have stories about her in my writing here. 

Diane wasn’t what people would probably describe as “warm” or “soft.” She was loud, assertive, sarcastic, outspoken. We knew when she was pissed, when she had a problem with us, when she was fed up, when she loved us; she did not hold back. On multiple occasions, she threatened to kick my ass. The very last word I heard her say before she was taken so suddenly, so unexpectedly, was “unfuckingbelievable.” She said this then slammed a window in my face. I still smile & laugh when I remember this. 

She cursed a lot and even yelled at people. But she was deeply compassionate, extremely generous, caring, loving…she cared for people with drug addiction, mental health problems, financial problems(which she struggled with herself). She always gave to others what she hardly had herself. She would go above & beyond to help people; even those who wouldn’t do the same for her.

 She never gossiped about others. If she had something to say, she said it right to our faces. She wasn’t always pleasant, though she often was. I did not always care for her sarcasm, especially when I first met her, many years ago. She did not have the patience I have. But I have always loved her (and still love her!) just how she was.

I love how she did not want me to be like her; she wanted me to be just how I am. Always. 

Since she died a couple years ago I have struggled to find ways to honor her life. I have a silver necklace with her name engraved, have performed acts of kindness in her memory, posted things about her…all which I find healing to some degree. But I have just kept having this inkling that there must be more. A more profound way to keep her memory, her love going. And I have longed for a deeper healing. 

Then as I was standing outside, contemplating a kind of revenge, giving into thoughts & emotions of anger, aggression, destruction….I thought of her and her worst fear. Her fear that I would let others drag me down to the point that I stop being kind, patient, loving, warm. And I made the decision right then and there that for her, I won’t give in. I won’t give into the temptation to seek revenge, to lash out, to say or do something unkind to someone for doing that to me. I would never become bitter & unkind completely but I can temporarily slip into those things.

There may be occasions in this life that I will be less patient, less kind, less warm, than I am, but I will let Diane’s love for me, wash over me and inspire me to let my love ultimately prevail. I choose to not let this difficult situation with these difficult people drag me so low that I act in destructive ways towards them or myself. 

What better way to honor Diane than to keep shining my own light, the light she was so afraid would be snuffed by difficult circumstances? I will keep shining, keep smiling, and keep trying to lift others along the way. ♡

 I would love to invite everyone to join me on my journey of love!

I hope you are having a beautiful day or night wherever in the world you are. ♡ Hugs to you. ♡

Much love & light, always,

Xoxo Kim

Sad eyes {look at the bright side}

“Looks like it’s over
You knew I couldn’t stay
She’s coming home today
We’ve had a good thing
I’ll miss your sweet love
Why must you look at me that way
It’s over”

One of the most difficult aspects of my job is taking care of people’s pets for days, sometimes even sleeping overnight at their houses/apartments, while the people are away on business trips or vacation and then the people come home and I have to give the babies back. They often sleep in bed with me at night and in just a couple days I become accustomed to all their cute little ways, the noises they make, the way they eat, play, look at me…and even though I know i shouldnt, i become so attached! It’s so painful but I love the job!! Most of my job is happy, pleasant, cheerful. The animals all have happy, loving furever homes with their humans who love them as their children. There are definitely some heartbreaking moments though, like having to say goodbye to my little furkins, hearing about ones who die or become sick, ones moving away who I don’t get to see anymore…so heartbroken….

It’s not just saying goodbye after days of being the sole caretaker of the animals but sometimes even saying goodbye til tomorrow or even later the same day! Lol Some animals, just like some people, we may just have a deeper connection with or some just seem more sad to see me go. It’s one of the deepest kinds of heartbreak I have ever known. To see a furbaby who isn’t mine but feels like mine, looking back at me with sad eyes, not understanding why I have to leave. But it’s worth the pain, to have the job that I have.

One of the things I find to be healing, is to remember & cherish all the happy moments with the little babies. There’s so many. Remembering a happy occasion can take us right back to that happy place! Almost like reliving it.

In the midst of grief though, remembering happy moments can actually deepen the painful feelings of loss, sadness, grief. But it can really help to instead focus on the love and try to revive those happy occasions.

This song sums it up perfectly.

“Try to remember
The magic that we shared
In time your broken heart will mend
I never used you
You knew I really cared
I hate to say it at the end
But it’s over”

I always listen to this song when I’m especially sad about leaving one of my babies. It’s a great source of consolation.

In the song, they know it’s only temporary, the relationship they have with one another. Just as I know my stay with my babies is only temporary. It doesn’t take away the sadness of leaving but if we keep remembering this is only temporary and take in all the beauty of the present moments, it can help lessen the grief a bit. Let there be no regrets. Live fully and love deeply.

 And as the saying goes “It’s better to have loved & lost than to never have loved.”

It’s a beautiful gift to get to care for & love all these sweet babies! Even though they aren’t mine and I have to give them back in the end, loving them is worth it.

If you ever feel sad about losing something or someone, remember to dwell on the happy moments shared together or experienced instead of the loss and sadness. Everything is a gift. Loss of any kind is painful but we only experience loss because we have a gift in the first place. We never had to be “given” this sweet gift but we were.

“How wonderful it is to have something that makes saying goodbye so difficult.”

Sad Eyes – desktop 

Sad Eyes – mobile 
Much love & light to you, always. ~Hugs~


Xoxo Kim 

February 14th❤

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(Diane July 14th 1956 – February 14th, 2015)

I have never been one of those people who think Valentine’s day is too dumb to celebrate because it’s extra cheesy or because love should be celebrated everyday! Umm…duhhh! lol Of course love is something to be cherished each & every day but it’s not something we’re going to celebrate with gifts, restuarant reservations, surprises and all each & everyday, right?! That may be exhausting\taxing physically and\or financially. So what’s wrong with choosing one day to celebrate love, platonic or romantic, with gifts and all? Also, maybe it’s just a scam the candy companies & greeting card businesses pull just to get our money. Oh well, it can still be fun! I have also never been one of those girls who sit around dreading the holiday or crying because I’m single. I don’t care if I’m single and to me Valentine’s Day is about all kinds of love, not just romantic. And there’s always next year! 😉

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But I have also never been the biggest fan of v-day. I love holidays like Halloween & Christmas and Valentine’s day to me just always seemed bland next to those ones. My mom, sister, & me always bought each other gifts for the day for as long as I can remember. And my friends & me in school would buy each other roses & stuffed teddy bears & cute things like that. But I never really got completely into the holiday the way some do.

On February 14th, 2015 I lost my coworker who I was very close with, unexpectedly to a heart attack. She died at work that day. Just collapsed and died instantly. I wasn’t there that day. I took off work to go on a meditation retreat. I wasn’t there but I still can’t get the image out of my head. Collapsing & dying on the floor.

Not only did Diane die that day, Valentine’s day was one of her favorite holidays. She loved it! ❤

Losing Diane is one of the worst things I ever experienced in this life. It’s the greatest trauma of this life of mine. Even two years later I have occasions I feel as if I’m being suffocated, submerged under water, like I have to struggle just to breathe. It’s not always this bad. Often my grief is now calmer, quiet, still deeply painful, but easier to bear. But it flares up and reverts back to the raw grief that I can hardly bear. It throbs throughout my whole being like an abcessed tooth but worse. It’s so heavy and I sometimes find it hard to keep standing. Losing Diane feels like losing a limb; like part of my body ripped off. If I believed in a soul I would feel as if my soul is disfigured, slashed, burned, traumatic amputation of part of it. There have been so many occasions I felt if my pain were physical I would believe I was dying and need emergency medical attention. The way it throbs and cuts, there’s just no words. 

The love Diane has always shown to me is very similar to that of a mother’s love. Diane has three adult sons and grandchildren & great grandchildren, all who she was very close with. When she died she was 58 years old & I was 28 years old. She talked about me and bragged about me like I was her own daughter. Sometimes she would embarass me like a mom can embarass her children in public. Lol She would make me lunch some days and bring it to me and always gave me money even though she hardly had money herself and I would tell her not to. She would yell at me & scold me if she thought I was doing something not good for myself. She was always checking up on me. We had so much fun laughing and talking together day after day, year after year for almost a decade until we lost her.

My pain is mostly for her because she is no longer here and those of us shattered can move forward & find some sense of healing. Diane can never eat her favorite food, smile again, work again, experience happiness, sadness, love…but we can. The second main thing is my pain is for her children and family\friends outside of work who knew her better than I did. I knew her very well but of course not as well as her own sons and while it’s so extremely difficult for me I know some aspects are likely more difficult for them. And last, my pain is for me. She was snatched out of my world so suddenly without warning.  I used to feel as if I was going into a panic when I would think like this. My chest would tighten, my heart would race, my eyes would turn completely black but my years of practicing Buddhist meditation helped me with this before I would go into a fullblown panic.

Last year, February 14th was the first anniversary of my friend’s death. I had to work for ten hours straight with no break and wasn’t sure just how I would find the strength but somehow I did. I felt like we were losing Diane all over again. I felt the life drain right out of me. I was in a fog like when it happened a year before. I was pissed at the world. I was snippy with everyone. They got snippy back and none of us were in a good mood. This wasn’t just the actual day but the days leading up to the date.

I had no money and my mom suggested after work we try to find a store to buy an inexpensive gift for each other. I just did not have it in me. I couldn’t find any desire to do anything that had to do with Valentine’s day. It seemed so cruel that my poor Diane had to lose her life like this on a day she loved and now can never celebrate again ever. I would have died for Diane. 💔❤ If I knew her heart was going to stop I would have given her my own if it were possible.

Her son also said he could just never celebrate Valentine’s day again & hoped his future girlfriend would understand. But Diane’s other son, who never celebrated Valentine’s day, said he will now begin celebrating and suggested all who love her keep on celebrating or begin celebrating her holiday to honor her & help us cope with this tragic loss of ours. What a wonderful idea! A day that we can see as so terrible, let’s turn it around and make it wonderful. It’s the day Diane lost her life. But it’s not only that. It’s also a day full of hope & possibility for those of us still alive. A day of LOVE not just grief. Grief is like a form of love. But there’s other forms of love to focus on. Diane’s son found the strength to celebrate a year after his mom’s death but I still couldn’t muster it. I just tuned it all out in my head.

This year though, I am much stronger than I was last year. I am not completely recovered. It’s not a loss I will “get over.” But I am strong and this year I choose LOVE. Last year I couldn’t seem to find the strength & wisdom I have discovered since then and now know.

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This year I am going to celebrate Valentine’s day to honor my sweet Diane. I can still feel something inside my chest feeling like it’s physically breaking. Some moments I still feel as if I will physically collapse in my grief. Sometimes I still lay in bed late at night, my whole body wracked in grief & still in immense shock, I still have these overwhelming urges to scream her name, on rare occasions I am filled with fury and want to scream, but I have love, gratitude, sweet memories, happiness, joy, laughter, smiles, strength….more than anger & pain. Diane never had to come into my world and be my friend but our lives did cross and for that I am extremely happy & thankful.

Something about Diane: she was extremely compassionate. So loving. She was assertive, sarcastic, loud, mouthy, always cursing, but loving. She loved not only her own friends & family but strangers as well. She hardly had money & borrowed money a lot and if she found someone else who needed money she gave the money to that person. She borrowed money and I would tell her not to pay me back, that it’s ok but she insisted and always paid me back even though it was a struggle for her. She used to give me one dollar bills & five dollar bills for no reason just because she knew how little money I had myself. And whenever she paid me back the money she borrowed, she would pay me back one dollar here & there until it was all paid up. I always thought it was so cute & funny. Diane told me once that one of her worst fears in life was that I would lose my quiet, sweet, gentle way if I ever let the bitterness or problems of others get to me. She told me to always stay loving and gentle even with those who are difficult to deal with and in situations that are a struggle for me. She told me to never change and I never will.

So how will I celebrate this year? I want to help others. Diane is dead and there’s nothing I can do about it. My chest aches to write it but it’s the truth. Like Diane, I love people and love to help. And I know she would absolutely love what I’m going to do. She’ll never know it but that’s not the point. She won’t feel the love but that’s not the purpose. My purpose is to help & inspire others. And I will carry her love with me always. Even though I lost Diane and experience a tremendous sense of loss and agony, I have never once felt that I lost her love. She loved me. She told me so and showed me everyday. What I will do is buy those small Valentine’s Day cards that come in packs of like ten or twenty or whatever, like the ones I would give to all my friends when I was a little girl, and write love messages in them, not romantic love messages but universal ones that can apply to everyone. Inspiring quotes, words of encouragement, positive messages, comforting messages….and leave them in random places for random people to find. This is what I planned to do and is good enough but I was trying to think of something I can do to help others in a more practical way as well. Then I remembered Diane & her dollars.

The dollar tips she would give servers, the dollars she would give me on random occasions just because, the individual dollars she would pay me back after borrowing thirty dollars, the dollars she would leave around for me at work, the dollars she would give to people who were struggling….Diane and those dollars! Lol I smile so much thinking of it. And I instantly knew what I have to do. Put a dollar in each little love note I slip into all those random places!

This isn’t to brag about the good I will do. My pain is so great I wouldn’t brag anyway but in my grief I especially can’t even care about getting credit. It makes almost everything seem so trivial. This is to inspire others to turn your love around and do something for the goodness of others. It doesn’t have to be this. This is just my story. But it can be this if you want! I would love for others to be inspired & do this, even if it’s just one card & one dollar! Imagine how happy my sweet Diane would be if she could know that her life & death inspires this kindness. If you knew Diane you would love her! I’m sure of it. She was the kind of person everyone loves. ❤

Or you can put your own spin on this or do something completely different to honor someone or just to do good. I met one sweet girl who lost her mom in February to cancer and a year later on the anniversary, just like Diane’s son, she somehow found the strength to honor her mama. She got all her beautiful long blonde hair cut off and donated it to cancer survivors who lost their hair to chemo treatment. What a beautiful soul. What can you do to honor someone you love so deeply and lost so painfully? Or just to do good for no specific reason other than wanting to make the world a bit more beautiful?!😍😀❤ Please let me know in the comments if you want or write a post of your own! And remember it’s totally not about bragging or receiving credit but bringing consolation, hope, & inspiration to others while sharing our own stories. ❤

Please remember the anniversary of the death of the one you love so much isn’t just a messed up, tragic, terrible day; it’s a day you are still alive and you can make that day anything you want to make it. Maybe not right away and it may take practice and strength you never could have possibly imagined you can posses but it’s a day like any other, a day of hope, love, chances, possibilities. It’s up to us to make it beautiful. The beautiful may never completely obliterate the ugly but it can certainly come into the mix and make it even just a little bit better.

This is for any loss, human or animal. Pet loss is just as bad and I understand it well. I have loved & lost pets as long as I have been alive and find the death of a human a bit more traumatic but both are devastating. My grief for Diane isn’t healing as well as it could be but so much better than it was. I’m wishing you much love, light, healing, always. I hope you will be inspired to do something and go on to inspire others! ~Hugs & love~ I love you! 😍😀❤

xoxo Kim 

Free Hugs for all! :-D <3

This is something I posted on Facebook & Instagram today and here it is here on WordPress as well!

“What’s broken can be mended. What hurts can be healed. And no matter how dark it gets the sun is going to rise again.”

 ~Big bear hugs to everyone who wants any!~ ❤

 This is me in May 2015 but I give hugs any day of the year! 😀 ❤

 Also, thank you for the recent comments! I will respond soon! 😀

 xoxo Kim ❤