Tag Archive | appreciation

Note of appreciation❤ & #getusppe

I’m a petnanny and work for a company, seven days a week. It’s the best job I can imagine having. I get to be out all day and night with a dog by my side! Most of our clients, these days, seem to be nurses/doctors/first responders/healthcare workers… All of my coworkers chose to leave work until further notice so just my boss and me are keeping the business going everyday as best as we can with just the two of us(and I must say, I think we are doing quite well!). Every once in a while someone writes me a sweet note of appreciation like this! This note is written to me by a sweet nurse who works long hours at a hospital. Our healthcare angels love to know that their furbabies are well loved and taken care of while they are out saving(and risking their own) lives all day & night, seven days a week. All that hard, exhausting, and dangerous work they do and they still take a minute to thank the pet nanny! How sweet!

This is a reminder to stop and show appreciation for someone or something today. Even thanking a stranger online for a positive social media post. A bit of appreciation can go a long way! It puts a light in the world, no matter how simple or brief.

I saw a doctor talking on a youtube video and she said she appreciates all the simple messages of appreciation to doctors, sent by people all around, and she mentioned that it helps doctors to receive them, just knowing people care.

Thank you to all of our healthcare healers! I have always appreciated medicine and healthcare workers before it became trendy! I’m so thankful people are now beginning to realize all the work medical professional people of various kinds do for us! And if your furbaby is one of mine, I will take good care of that little one, you have my word!

Here is one! 🐾😻😍❤ (I have permission to take/share pics of any furbabies I share!)

And thank you to my bloggy friends for all of the recent likes/follows!! I will get back to you soon!! I’m so happy that people take time out of their own day to read something I write! That is a big thing because it’s a minute or minutes you can never get back and you give it to me! What a gift, thank you!! ❤

And one more thing! Our medical healthcare healers, ALL of them, doctors, nurses, respiratory therapists, first responders, emts, techs, assistants…are STILL experiencing a severe shortage of supplies they need to keep themselves safe while taking care of and saving strangers. Like wth This is absolute ridiculousness and very, very uncalled for. It is something that does not have to be and should never be. They are in mortal danger. There is no justification for such a thing. It’s not an option. They NEED this equipment, called Personal Protective Equipment (PPE), to live and to do their jobs effectively. It is a basic necessity. How long is this going to go on? Here is a place we can help, even if just a little bit:

getusppe.org

Donate – money and/or supplies

Make PPE if we have the skills and supplies

Sign the petition

Most of us can sign the petition and it’s possible for the average person to have a certain amount of money because most of us do have access to money to some degree(though many people don’t even have enough money for themselves and may not be able to donate any) but I don’t think the average person has actual medical supplies or can make it. It’s not homemade stuff that we can put together with materials just laying around the house. We need true, professional medical supplies and a professional ability to make it, if I understand correctly.

Or if you can’t do any of these or don’t want to, please just share the link and/or tags: #getusppe & #getmeppe, anywhere on social media, in the hope that someone else who can help will see it and help in some way. Something as simple as that can help in a practical way and just shows we care.

Thank you!!! 💛

Much love & light to all, may you be well; may you be peaceful; may you be happy; may you be loved❤

xoxo Kim💚

Brag post 🐾😻 About me lol

My boss wrote this about me! Please excuse the pic of me; I look like 💩 and my shoes are all muddy because of the rain and I can’t get it out. I had no idea my boss took this picture. I logged onto our account and saw it lol! Much to my surprise(and dismay at my appearance!) but our furball is cute & happy; look at him cheesin’! lol Have you ever seen such a happy face?! 😁 That’s all that matters! He is my bestfuriend(one of many bestfuriends 🐾). We see each other every morning & evening and I love him to pieces. He is such a sweet boy. He loves humans and other animals. Though, we do not let our furbabies near other dogs while out & about. It’s our policy no matter how friendly they are. 🐾❤🐾❤ Safety first.

I love my job!! I’m honored to have a job taking care of people’s furbabies who they love like their kids and trust me with their little lives. If I had to, I would give my own life to save any of theirs. I love being out seven days a week, morning til night, often with a dog by my side or just all by myself. The scenery is beautiful. The city is beautiful. The people are beautiful. The nonhumans are beautiful. Everything is beautiful.

Thank You for this job and experience! ❤ It really has been my greatest honor in this life. I would do this without getting paid!!

Much love & light to you; I hope you are having a beautiful day or night wherever in the world you are! ~Hugs to all~

xoxo Kim ❤

Empathy v. Jealousy

1448075261929eSmart_13___fancy26

“Appreciation is a wonderful thing: It makes what is excellent in others belong to us as well.” ~ attributed to Voltaire

By tuning into our empathy for others, not just feeling another’s pain but also pleasure, joy, happiness, we will be happy for others as we would our own selves, instead of jealous in a destructive way or depressed when they have something we want and do not have. 

When someone wins, succeeds, accomplishes something great, or is just happy, and we feel a bit jealous or resentful, imagine how we would feel if it were us who has something great happen and then we can feel more happiness for that person instead of jealous, disappointed, or depressed.

Being jealous and resentful helps no one. Wouldn’t you love if someone was happy for you? Not that we need others to be happy for us to be happy ourselves but it’s a great experience to know someone wishes us well. So why not be happy when someone else is? Empathy will get in the way of resentment. How can we resent someone too much when we are extremely happy for that person? A little bit of jealousy now and then is ok but it doesn’t have to drag us down or provoke us to drag others down. Let the happiness and success of others inspire us instead of provoke envy and resentment in us. It’s better for everyone!  

When one person wins, we all win. ❤

😀

Hugs & love,

Xoxo Kim 

Cherish the love, cherish the life

post-19307-You-know-what-the-fuck-I-meant-Fodw

(this isn’t my photo – I dont know the source but it sure is funny!)

Recently, I realized how much I really do love Summer. The Summer season has the potential to be quite beautiful where I am. I often say it’s my least favorite season. It is. But I also say that I love all four seasons. All four are lovely and I am blessed to live in a place where we experience the diversity of all the seasons and the gifts they bring.

But often, when I think of Summer, I want to grimace. For the last couple of days it has been very beautiful summer weather. Hot but definitely not scorching. Actually, yesterday was really cool and very rainy and stormy. Today is perfect too. Not rainy. Hot but not overwhelming.

Then it hit me. This is perfect. Summer would be perfect if there were not as many heatwaves. It’s not hot weather I don’t like, it’s unbearably hot weather like 100 degrees heatwaves over and over to where even good commercial air conditioners don’t even seem to be working, that I don’t like much.

But I wouldn’t get rid of the heatwaves even if I could. Because a lot of people do like them. And it’s not all about me. And also Because I like diversity and it’s good to have all kinds of weather. Also, I love the way it feels to have cold showers and put on my pj shorts in the middle of a heatwave! Lol

So yeah, they are good for some things!

IMG_14165972_1(1)

I like to have tea at work. I carry tea bags, powdered cream, and a box or cup of sugar everywhere with me. Lol

But today I forgot my tea and stuff! But I saw we have hot chocolate at work. We usually don’t get that until the Fall but we have a big box. So I had some of that since I forgot my tea. I started to feel giddy and thrilled because in my head it felt like October.

Every year when it gets cooler, we sell hot chocolate and today as I was getting ready to drink it, it felt like that Fall feeling, especially because it was kind of breezy/cool in the morning and last night. The weather was definitely not Fall-like weather but just cool summer air. But it felt like Autumn in my mind. I started dreaming of Fall and all the lovely gems it brings!

But then I stopped myself and decided to instead cherish right now and all the blessings Summer brings. It’s good to look forward to and plan for things but it’s also good to be mindful and appreciative of right now and all of the joys surrounding us. Fall will be here before we know it. This moment will never occur again. Let’s embrace it.

IMG_14165930

(me standing on the corner in the rain)

I’m often extremely happy to be right where I am, right here, right now. I’m naturally this way to a certain degree but with practice I’m much better at it now. Often, no matter what my situation is, even painful, I can still be thankful I’m right here, right now, and see the beauty around me. I almost never felt this way walking in 100 degree weather, extremely thirsty and feeling like I’m about to fall unconscious of heatstroke or dehydration. I would keep thinking “Winter! Where are you?!” or “this sucks!!!” but now I am very mindful of the gentle breeze that seems to lovingly brush against  my cheeks and the vibrant green leaves hanging off the tree branches and the blue, blue sky above me, twinkling in my blue, blue eyes. And I’m so thankful for right here, right now. I just tune into the moment. It often comes naturally now but if not, I can often summon that mindful gratitude. If I had a choice I would never choose being out in 100 degree weather dying of thirst and heat but since I don’t have the choice, I cherish it. It’s fantastic to live, to love this way.

IMG_14165949(1)

If we live too much in the future or the long ago, we miss out on the gift of the present.

org1_9238228082013073147

(not my photo)

I love reading quotes, blogs, and books about mindfulness as reminders and ways to keep up the practice of appreciative living right now.

Here are some of my favorite quotes relating to the topic of mindfulness, Zen, or appreciative living.

“The only Zen you find on the tops of mountains is the Zen you bring up there.” ~ Robert Pirsig

“Zen teaches nothing; it merely enables us to wake up and become aware. It does not teach, it points.” ~ D.T. Suzuki

“Zen is simply a voice crying, ‘Wake up! Wake up!'” ~ Maha Sthavira Sangharakshita

“The quieter you become the more you can hear.” ~ Baba Ram Dass

“If you have a glass full of liquid you can discourse forever on its qualities, discuss whether it is cold, warm, whether it is really and truly composed of H2O, or mineral water, or saki. Zazen is drinking it.” ~ Taisen Deshimaru

“Mindfulness is simply being aware of what is happening right now without wishing it were different; enjoying the pleasant without holding on when it changes (which it will); being with the unpleasant without fearing it will always be this way (which it won’t).” – James Baraz

“The moment one gives close attention to anything, even a blade of grass, it becomes a mysterious, awesome, indescribably magnificent world in itself.” – Henry Miller

“When you realize there is nothing lacking, the whole world belongs to you.”

“If you clean the floor with love, you have given the world an invisible painting.” – Osho
“To see a world in a grain of sand and heaven in a wild flower, Hold infinity in the palm of your hand and eternity in an hour.” – William Blake

“There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.” – Albert Einstein

“Paradise is not a place; it’s a state of consciousness.”

I hope you are having a wonderful day/night!

Xoxo Kim

Simple treasures <3

image

I’m a big fan of acknowledging and deeply appreciating the simple joys of living. Most of which cost no money or very little money, things we all have access to if only we look a certain way. There are different depths of mindfulness, just seeing all the way to deep appreciation and awareness.  I’m definitely not against certain kinds of materialism to a certain extent! Nothing wrong with vacations and big shopping sprees and big celebrations and things! But there’s so many “little” things surrounding us right now that we can tap into at any point and be filled with warmth and gratitude. Let’s cherish them.  Here’s my list!  When sunlight or sunsets reflect off of cars, signs, or buildings or puddles or anything  Waking up in the early morning and hearing birds chirping cheerfully  Falling asleep to a heavy rainstorm  The perfect cup of coffee or tea When an illness or pain ends and the feeling of the old self reappears and is stronger than ever Meeting someone and experiencing a deep “soul” connection The first glistening snowfall of the season  The first flowers blossoming in the beginning of Spring  Hearing an old forgotten song  The beginning of Fall when the crunchy leaves cover the streets and the scents of October fill the air Late Autumn when it’s almost Winter & the holiday season and my inspiration runs deep Crickets singing on a warm Summer night  Laying in bed at night reading a mystery book

my bones (hipbones, collarbone, neck bones…) and the way they delicately poke through my skin

my heartbeat ❤

image Cobblestone streets  Hugs Helping someone  Waking up with dogs sleeping all around me in bed Walking in a light rainfall on a cool night – it’s a feeling of sweet liberation  The first cool nights of the season  The way my long hair feels against my lower back  Receiving a sweet message by someone I know or someone I never met before then  Random acts of kindness  image Any act of kindness, random or not Feeling a general sense of deep inspiration  Hugging someone I just met  When a headache finally ends  The feeling of early morning  Cool gray days

image Warm and sunny afternoons surrounded by trees and green and flowers  Beautiful parks image Being surrounded by lots of people  Feeling beautiful  Finding an inspiring quote or song that completely resonates with me Beautiful people  When I’m not wearing makeup and think I look even better than when I have my face made up!  A bright blue sky with fluffy white clouds Seeing seagulls flying through the sky A starry starry night 

image A big, bright full moon  Honeybees on bright colored flowers Warm fluffy blankets  The warmth of clothes just out of a dryer The holiday season  Christmas songs  Feeling that there’s nowhere else I would rather be than right here right now, wherever it may be, including at work!  image Unexpected rain Talking to someone who completely understands what I’m saying  Philadelphia skyscrapers  image Red dresses Anything pink Warm pj’s  Walking into an air conditioned room after stepping out of 100 degree weather outside  The warmth of a hot drink flowing through the whole body on a cool/cold day Philosophy text books  Kindle app image Free Kindle books! (many people think if they are free they must suck or be very short books but it’s not necessarily true! I got free ones before with 400 pages and very good ones! Give them a chance! ;-D )  The feeling of stepping out of an air conditioned room into a hot, sunny, Summer day. I love the scent of the Summer heat and the feel of the blanket of heat enveloping me the first few seconds I step into it. The sound of construction work outside off in the distance. Yes, I love this! I just love the sounds of the city.  Shadows on the ground.  Warm puppy kissies. The warm smell of doggy fur.  Laughing til it hurts. Street lamps image City lights  Flowers image Seeing people sitting under umbrellas outside of restaurants on Spring & Summer days sipping pretty tropical looking drinks out of delicate looking glasses.  Simple, light but fun conversations with friends  Girls in stilettos  When I’m laying in bed and my long hair touches the floor  Abandoned houses  Stop signs  Street signs Squirrels running up the trees or eating  Realizing I like something I never used to like. Black & white photography for example, and flat shoes and cheese fries with ketchup. Waking up to rain image Vintage looking objects and photos  Stories that take place long long ago Reminiscing about pleasant things  The way candy always tastes better in the cold weather  Meeting/knowing someone who is overly compassionate. We can never have too much love! The fragrances of winter & fall – pumpkin, cinnamon, pine, apple, peppermint… Tropical candles lit in Spring & Summer Moneystealers image Fall in Philadelphia  Philadelphia any season  image (he was on a wall in my house – so soft & fuzzy. I rescued him after my sister found him. ) The Eastern State Penitentiary /haunted attraction  SEPTA busses, trolleys, and trains  Everyday objects  Insects image The way lights streams through a door to a dark room when the door is slightly open. Sometimes I leave a light off just to see it. My struggle with depression and with severe physical pain inspire me to more deeply acknowledge and appreciate and realize these simple treasures. When I’m in severe pain of any kind, beautiful things seem to jump out at me more, reminding me that I “can’t have” or “don’t deserve” them and this inspires me to notice them more when I’m not in severe pain. And I learned to seize them no matter how much pain I’m in. But we can learn to bask in and deeply appreciate the simple treasures even without the pain. I think most of us have little things we love but may not always be mindful of them or just how much we love the beauty of them. Let’s stop. And mindfully cherish those things all around us each and every day. One way I express my love and perception of the simple joys, is taking pictures and often editing them to exaggerate or magnify the small details to make them stand out.   We often overlook reflections, shadows, mundane things….in person but in photos they stand out more.  What simple treasures do you cherish even if you never realized just how much you love them? And how can you express your appreciation? Photography? Writing? Painting? Drawing? Let’s get creative! Let’s live with intention. 😀 Xoxo Kim

Sunrise <3

image

Today is April 18th but when I post this it will very likely and very annoyingly claim it’s April 19th because when I post after 8:00pm, it deceivingly says it’s the next day. I can change it but I won’t. When I change the date, it changes the links to my posts then in the e-mails when people click on my link it goes to an error page. How annoying!

Today I woke up at 5:45 AM because my dogs woke me up and I just decided to look out the window and I couldn’t believe my eyes! I saw a beautiful sunrise!

I rarely, very very rarely see a sunrise! A couple of mornings I even got up early to attempt to see a sunrise, I checked the night before to see when the sun would be rising and got up to see it and it wasn’t there! At least not where I was looking! Today though, I saw it serendipitous-ly! I was thrilled!  

Sunrises, to me are symbolic of hope and life and new beginnings and rebirth.

Today I’m inspired to share some fantastic quotes about Sunrise!

Here goes!

“There was never a night or a problem that could defeat sunrise or hope.” ~
Bernard Williams

So true! No matter how dark it seems now, there IS a light still glimmering to carry us through! I struggle with depression in episodes and severe physical pain in episodes and sometimes I’m not depressed or in physical pain but I have some problem that feels so hopeless or insurmountable but I always try to remind myself that nothing is hopeless. 

image

“The biggest cliche in photography is sunrise and sunset.”
Catherine Opie

I think this is true. Many, many of us become aware of a dramatic sunset or sunrise and that’s a great thing! Sunrises and sunsets are the simple life treasures we can experience at no cost. I think there are different depths of taking pleasure in or experiencing them. We can take a quick glance, feel the beauty and hurry on our way without really feeling it. Or we can be obsessed with sunrises and sunsets just to get a beautiful photo for our cover photo on Facebook or blogs or instagram to impress people. That’s good too but I think it’s even better to take full advantage of the beauty all around us, soak it up, absorb it, feel it in every cell of the body. Not just to get a picture to share on social media. In my opinion if we can only do one, it’s usually more important to experience life all around than just take pictures. Luckily we can find the perfect balance of doing both! 
Also, while sunrises and sunsets are absolutely lovely, there are even simpler, more overlooked, mundane treasures all around us. 
Like the edges of buildings and the reflections of sunlight streaking the concrete, spaciousness, streetlights, bricks, just little everyday things that make up our lives but we rarely stop to appreciate.

Example:

image

image

I love the way the light reflects on the wall and the pole and I love the traffic sign!

image

Spaciousness, emptiness, quietude, stillness, beauty, serenity

image

I was struck by the beauty of the daylight creeping in through the window that evening I was at work and reflecting off the freezer doors.

image

“Lost, yesterday, somewhere between sunrise and sunset, two golden hours, each set with sixty diamond minutes. No reward is offered for they are gone forever.” ~ 
Horace Mann

Yes let’s cherish every moment we have been given.

image

“Nothing is more beautiful than the loveliness of the woods before sunrise.” ~ 
George Washington Carver

I love how this quote conveys appreciation and mindfulness for a simple moment right before a “big” or dramatic thing, the more obvious thing that usually gets more attention. An unidentified moment often overlooked.

It reminds me of this quote:
“‘Well,’ said Pooh, ‘what I like best,’ and then he had to stop and think. Because although Eating Honey was a very good thing to do, there was a moment just before you began to eat it which was better than when you were, but he didn’t know what it was called.”~A.A. Milne

And my previous blog post:

https://inspirationalgem.wordpress.com/2015/03/17/the-simple-unidentified-moments-3/

image

I was hanging out with Buddha reading and drinking tea! What better way to spend my day?! ;-D

image

“There’s never one sunrise the same or one sunset the same.” ~ 
Carlos Santana

Sunrises and sunsets are everyday occurances but it’s true none of them can ever be the same. They’re all unique and all beautiful. They never get old! 

image

I love the beauty of the setting sun and the way it reflects on the top of the car and that water tower off in the distance! What beauty that exists in this life! And all we need to experience it is our senses and an appreciative mind!

I hope you’re having a beautiful day or night! I’m at work right now and it’s a cool night so not very busy!

Much love to you and may your heart be open to receive the beauty all around us in whichever form it exists.

😀

Xoxo Kim

Today <3

image

“Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.” ~ Howard Thurman

Today is a very cold, very gray, beautiful wet day. It’s not exactly raining but everything seems wet. It’s night now but all day was gray and beautiful. It’s very cold, almost like Winter or the end of Fall. It’s bittersweet. I know it’s probably the last day or one of the last days that is cold. I LOVE all four seasons and they all have their blessings and unique qualities. They are all beautiful. I cherish each one and try to always be mindful of the beauty they are. But it’s always Winter inside my heart. In Winter and Fall I rarely wish for warm days. In Summer, there are more days I long for, even crave Winter or Fall. 

I’m soaking up every single bit of wet cold beauty I can today! 
Today on my way to Buddhist meditation class I was astounded by the almost palpable beauty. It was almost as if I could touch it, not touch the beautiful things but touch or hold the beauty itself. Touch or hold the concept, the very essence of beauty. I felt very alive and felt the heartbeat of the city become one with my own, as if throbbing in my chest, pulsing through my veins. I felt it deep in my bones, tingling in every cell of my body. Every breath I took, I felt I was breathing in the sounds, the sights, the scents, the intense beauty of the city. This feeling is not new to me but it always feels new. I feel it often, sometimes immensely, sometimes more quietly, sometimes not at all. But I can never get used to it. Sometimes this feeling, this life inside disappears for so long I am convinced it will never be back again. Then out of the blue, it comes and tightly embraces me like a long lost friend who promises to always come back to me.  

image

This feeling has always come naturally to me but with practice and certain experiences, I have come to strengthen it. Sometimes it comes out of the blue, like today. And sometimes I can summon it on my own. 

One thing that I find that helps me deepen this sense of beauty and gratitude and awe of everything around me, is taking pictures/photography.  For people who are interested in capturing beauty in artistic forms like painting, drawing, or photography, whether as a hobby or professional career, it can be easier to see, feel, taste the beauty all around because our brains get trained to see things and look for things to capture in a photo or painting or drawing. Then even when we’re not out looking, even when we are without our phones or cameras or paints and pencils, these little gems jump out at us. The more interested I have become in taking pictures, the more developed my sense of awe has become. I originally loved taking pictures because I feel so much beauty and want to capture & share it, but then picture taking only enhanced that feeling of awe in me.

image

Photography, painting, drawing, writing…. can all capture simple beauty in a way that makes it stand out more than it does in “real life.” I think many of us generally overlook very simple, very mundane things such as reflections, shadows, a sliver of light creeping through the slit as a result of a door on a dark room being ajar when the hall or other room outside is lit. We often stand in awe or deep appreciation of something dramatically beautiful such as bright, colorful flowers, a beautiful woman in a wedding dress on her wedding day or in stiletto heels and tight blue jeans walking down a street, a dramatic sunset over the ocean waves while lounging on a beach, a baby who is just born, an expensive mansion, an exotic animal, amazing looking food, an incredible looking car, an elegant dress, a flashing diamond ring,…you get the picture! But how often do we look in wonder at a shadow on a ground, maybe a shadow of a tree or person, the way sunlight reflects on signs or cars, the fuzz on a honeybee, the gentle illumination of street lights on a dark street at night, tattered signs, faded poles at busstops with the bus numbers on them, old pay phones, broken glass glittering in the daylight against concrete, an empty beer bottle resting in vibrant green glass, a lemon floating in iced tea, glistening ice cubes chilling a cup of soda….for many, it’s probably never or extremely rarely. But in photography, paintings, drawings, and writing like poetry or novels or descriptions, these things can be beautifully captured and portrayed in artistic forms that can’t help but force us to see, notice, feel the beauty of them, these things we tend to ignore in real life outside of artistic creations. 

And for people who engage in these activities, they can help us further ingrain our habit of seeing and feeling the beauty in real life outside of poetry and novels and photos and paintings or drawings. They help deepen our wonder at the things our eyes and hearts catch. They make it easier for simple treasures to jump out at us as we’re walking up a city street, sitting quietly at a riverside, driving on a busy expressway, meditatively peering out a bus window on a dreary gray day or a green day with life blossoming all around. 

But not everyone is interested in photography or painting, writing, or drawing. Whatever you’re interested in though, it’s fantastic to pursue it, engage in it, get lost in it and let it reel you in. This can bring you to life, fill you with passion for all of life, enthuse you in general. When we are so happy and passionate in one aspect of life, it can carry over into other aspects, even ones that aren’t so great at the moment. It’s like falling in love or having a big crush. You know the intoxicated feeling when you meet someone you are very attracted to or seeing someone you are in love with? That feeling carries over to everywhere and suddenly life is amazing in ways you never really noticed or forgot about…it can be like this even if we aren’t in love with someone. It’s falling in love with life itself. 

image

We don’t need “big” things, lots of money, kids, or romantic love to feel this way often. These things are great too but we don’t need them to be in love with life. All we have to do is open our eyes, heart, and look, see, feel, stop ignoring the simple things, the mundane things, the blessings surrounding us always. You don’t have to be a photographer, a painter, or an artist of any kind. 

“Such a feelin’s comin’ over me
There is wonder in most every thing I see
Not a cloud in the sky, got the sun in my eyes
And I won’t be surprised if it’s a dream
Everything I want the world to be
Is now comin’ true especially for me” ~ the Carpenters 

Imagine feeling this way everyday or at least very often or even just more often than now.

It’s possible.  

image

Isn’t this beautiful?! It just goes to show how someone can inspire us and we can see life through that person’s eyes every now and then even if we aren’t interested in the same things. We can feed off of the passion, life, enthusiasm of others. This police officer is deeply inspired by his wife who is a painter with a passionate thirst for life, and while at work, he wishes she was there. This is out of a fiction book I’m reading called “First Do No Evil,” Book 1 in a series by Dr. Carey Baldwin who is an author, a medical doctor/family doctor, and has like two ph.d’s as well, she’s a wife and mother of multiple children. Ummm…is she like Wonder Woman?! I read Book 2 in this series already, not realizing it’s a series. They can be read together or separately and in any order and still make sense. The same characters appear in the books and there’s some subtle references to other books but the author makes it still make sense just to read one individually. She’s an amazing writer of mystery books. It seems most of her books are about doctors. Usually her main characters are a very strong,
beautiful, compassionate, loving, and broken woman who is 30 something years old, has a very painful past, a medical degree, and gets into trouble like is being stalked and needs help. I love her characters and how much depth they have. They are so realistic. And she’s a doc herself so she knows her stuff! Her novels involve romance, mystery, adventure, and healing. They also involve humor, sometimes I laugh hysterically, uncontrollably. They contain adult content in certain scenes. Very vulgar language at some points, and hot sexy scenes, definitely only for adults. Amazing plots, characters, and endings!

image

Let’s remember to allow others to inspire us and remember to be the inspiration to anyone we can!

I hope you are having a wonderful day or night wherever you are! Much love to you!

Xoxo Kim

Spring is in the air! <3

image

But not really!

Today is the first day of Spring!

And this is what we get!

IMG_14163655_1

image

image

image

(this pic showed up by accident but he’s cute so I’m leaving it – he’s my baby, Woody, almost eight months old!)

image

What a hilarious joke it seems the uni-verse has played on us! 😀

Lol it looks like Winter is milking it for all it’s worth, going to snow and be All frigid until the last second it possibly can!

image

I love it! I’m so so happy it will be warm soon! And life will
Blossom
all around! Green & flowers and a floral fragrance in the air! 

image

Google flowers! @—}—-}

But I’m so happy for one last snow blizzard until Winter/the end of Fall comes again! Yay! 

It’s a Winter Wonderland today and I walked in it to get my mom a coffee! It was beautiful but eventually my head was throbbing terribly because of the cold, I thought I would pass out. Or die. Lol ok, not really die but it was almost as painful as brain freeze when I eat ice cream too quickly! 

The quote in my daily quote book for today, March 20th is:

“If only we’d stop trying to be happy, we’d have a pretty good time.” ~ Edith Wharton

Isn’t this so true?! How often have you heard someone say or have you said or thought yourself something like “when it’s warm/hot outside and I can go on vacation, I will be happier, when I lose 20 pounds I will be happier, this weekend I will be happy, when I have kids I will be happy, when I find true love or get married I will be happy, when I grow up/get older, graduate college, get better grades, I will be happy, when I get a job or another job I will be happy, when I have more money I will be happy, when I have a place of my own I will be happy…?”

I’m definitely not innocent of thoughts like that occasionally, thoughts like “when…..then I will be happier.” While I’m often mindful of and happy right now, there are definitely occasions I begin to think I need more or “should” have more. And then it leads to a very low feeling, negative comparisons to others, or even a full blown depression. 

But the truth is, we can be happy now. Let go of the conditional happiness concept and living too much in the future. Let go and allow the beauty and joy of right Now to seep into our essence and soak it all up! Be happy now!

The external things that we think can lead to happiness or can bring us fleeting happiness will not last very long and are not necessarily as purely blissful as we think they are. Warm weather comes then leaves eventually and we’re stuck in the bitter cold, vacations end and we have to come back to reality, people can leave us, we can put weight back on after the hard work losing it, fashion trends eventually end after buying all those expensive clothes, people die of heatstroke and exhaustion in the Summer, freeze to death in Winter, suffer with horrible allergies in Spring & Fall, are used for money and have lots of financial management when they are financially rich, have the pressure of having to keep up their grades when they have a perfect gpa, even great things like kids and relationships and money, a great job,….come with consequences that aren’t always pure bliss, the thing is to practice and learn to be happy NOW or at least in general under any circumstances. 

Pay attention to the gifts right before our very eyes. It’s great to have relationships with others, have kids, get a new job, shop for new clothes, experience the seasons, have money, get amazing grades in school…but we don’t need those things to have a sense of happiness or self worth. They can bring us certain joys and a certain kind of happiness and blessings we won’t have without them but we can also have joy and true happiness and blessings without them. They complement our happiness and our self, not complete us.

There are great things and drawbacks to just about  every stage and phase and season of life. Let’s cherish them all and appreciate now!

Coincidentally this is what we talked about and meditated upon in class last night. Then today that is the quote for this day!

Also, I read that today brings with it a Super New Moon, a Total Solar Eclipse, and the Spring Equinox! All of which symbolize new beginnings! A perfect reminder that no matter what happened, no matter how stuck or depressed, or broken we are or have been, there is new hope and a blank slate to turn around and begin again! And we can begin right Now! ❤

image

Much love to you! ❤

Xoxo Kim

Ordinary Angels <3

image

“It is extraordinary how extraordinary the ordinary person is.” ~ George F. Will

I recently came across a Country song that I never heard before and I am completely blown away! I write so frequently about how one life no matter how “ordinary,” can have an amazing, positive effect on many, many other lives. And that’s exactly the message this song conveys. It’s a breathtakingly beautiful message. 

Most people that I come across, that I know of, can’t stand Country music. But even if you are one of those who find it very distasteful, you may still love the beautiful message of this song.

“Life’s like a chain – sometimes it breaks
We all need a hand when we fall from grace
It could be someone walking down the street
A stranger on a bus
A little kid on his way to school
Or any one of us
We all got a little superman ready to take flight
And save a life, oh save a life
Take a look around and you’ll see ordinary angels” ~ Craig Morgan 

image

A while ago I wrote a post about “ordinary” people who inspire me, people who aren’t celebrities(celebrities can be very inspiring too but we don’t have to be to have a positive effect on someone.) or ones who are well known. They don’t necessarily have extravagant jobs and lots of money or any special skills other than compassion, caring, and the courage to reach out to others in some way. They don’t necessarily have the resources to reach people at great magnitudes the way famous people do. But they can touch at least one life each day. They help people just by being themselves.  That was before I heard this song. And this song inspires me to make another list. Here is my list of “ordinary angels,” mostly  strangers whose lives have touched mine in some way.

image

1.) The man who came to the store where I work and paid for the two people in line in back of him who he did not know and told them to get whatever they want, no matter how much it costs. Then he gave me an eighteen dollar tip, which is more than the cost of all his stuff! The people in back of him insisted that he doesn’t pay for their stuff and he said he wanted to.

“We’re all in this together” he said. 

I was inspired by his message more than the big tip!  We ARE all in this together. Let’s reach out to one another, encourage each other, and build each other up. 
 
2.) The young man who gave me his seat on a bus – one day after a therapy appointment I was standing on a crowded bus holding a bag of books and this young man without asking just got up and walked to the front and told me I can have his seat and he stood the rest of the way. It helped me so much!! I am still so thankful.

3.) the two men who (literally) saved my life at a bus stop – I was (stupidly) texting on my phone while crossing the bus terminal and I walked in front of the 17 bus and almost got hit, two men who did not know me or each other, yelled and one pushed me and the other pulled me. They risked their own lives to save me, a stranger. They had no idea who I am, had no idea how I live, what my views on anything are, what I may have done in this life and they did not care. All they cared about was saving me.

4.) The homeless man who saw me trudging up the street like trying to walk through Quicksand or like trying to walk up the stairs in that Fred Krueger movie, going to class, when I was in college. I was depressed & suicidal and he had no idea what was going on in my head but he knew something unpleasant was going on. He yelled out to me, “Smile little lady, it gets better.” and he had the brightest, most beautiful smile on his face, I couldn’t help but smile, myself! 😀  His words still carry me today.

Smile little lady, it gets better. 😀

It does get better.
 
5.) the University professor at Temple University in back of me in line, who smiled and talked to me in her warm, soothing voice when we were waiting in line. She was almost late for her class and was in line to buy a snack and so was I. I wasn’t her student but I was almost late for a different class. She had the most beautiful smile and warmest voice. She wanted to get out of line and go to the soda box to get a drink and asked me if I would hold her place. When she came back I let her get in front of me so she wouldn’t be as late. I was depressed and suicidal again. Back then I almost always was. I found her presence to be so comforting and warm. And that encounter lifted me. And I cherish that memory. I even wrote a poem about it many years later! People inspire me to write. 

6.) the man who helped me in Center City Philadelphia when I was lost. I couldn’t find my way back home, had no idea what bus to take or where to get it. I must have looked as lost as I felt. A man came out of nowhere and asked if I was lost and where I was trying to go. I told him and he told me exactly where to go and what bust to get on. I found my way back home. Love will always be my guide. 
 
7.) the sweet girl in Center City who gave me a hug out of nowhere just because she wanted to bring joy to anyone she could.  I never saw her before that day or any day after. 

8.) the stranger who put his umbrella over me in the midst of a heavy rain shower. I was waiting for a bus after my therapy appointment, to come home and a man also waiting for the bus let me stand under his umbrella with him. He asked if I work around there and I said no I go to therapy appointments there. He asked what for and asked if I’m stressed. I said not necessarily “stressed” I have a chronic depressive disorder and suicidal tendencies, a genetic condition or biochemical imbalance or whatever. I waited for him to step away in shock and horror and disgust like some others have done when I told them. But instead, he asked about it and empathized, and he told me his sister also has depression and he tries to be as understanding as possible.

9.) the two women who talked to me walking up the street together – I was walking to a counseling center for an appointment and on the way there I met two women holding hands, walking up the same street with me. They had a special warmth about them, a welcoming, inviting glow,  I thought they seemed like people I would like to know or talk to and then the one turned around and said hello. I said hello and the other one turned to greet me. They asked where I was going and I told them and it turned out they were patients at the same place for depression like me! But they weren’t going there then. We talked for a while and they told me they are lovers and have a mostly great relationship but get into arguments because the one girl was kind of overly jealous. And the one wanted to hang out with her ex girlfriend and the other was very uncomfortable with that situation. But they were working on their problems together. They told me their fears, their loves, their sorrow, and joy. Their happiness.  I love how open and honest they were. I’m very open too but some people I wouldn’t tell stuff to directly because they don’t seem as easy to talk to but these two women were so open and receptive and what a coincidence how I met them, nowhere near the clinic but they were patients there! We knew the same people and had similar experiences! They were very easy to talk to and I told them my own story with depression.

10.) the lady who made sure no one sat in a puddle on a seat on a bus – I was sitting on a bus years ago and a lady closer to the front intentionally sat near a seat with a puddle in it so she would be able to tell every person who was about to sit in it that it’s wet! And many people kept getting ready to sit in it! She had to remain constantly alert and couldn’t even sit back all the way in her seat so that she could constantly, quickly caution people! I have seen puddles and gum on seats before and most people walk right by not thinking to even sit close just to warn people. What a very thoughtful and caring person! And so many people and their pants were saved! Doesn’t this just inspire you so deeply to be more thoughtful?! 

11.) the sweet & friendly girl at an event at a Buddhist center who talked to me. We have very similar interests and she showed genuine interest in me and my opinions. She’s going to be a nurse and help lots of people! I loved talking to her. I only ever met her once but the connection was deep. 

12.) the friendly Philadelphia police detective who said I did a great job and expressed gratitude for me “helping” after someone tried to steal money at work years ago. I couldn’t identify the person but the man was so thankful anyway and praised me for trying. He could have been frustrated and stressed but he was friendly and uplifting. He did more than just his job, he reached out to be positive and uplifting when he did not have to. 
 
13.) the customer who saw me outside of work and told me I’m very friendly and that him and his girlfriend are always pleased to see me at work. They are both very sweet and kind and caring.

14.) The man who told me I have beautiful hair – some years ago I was filling out one of those silly and fun online surveys and one question was “what thing do you get the least compliments on?” mine is my hair. I love my beautiful hair but I don’t get many compliments on it by others(I’m often told that it’s super long but not always sure if it’s exactly a compliment or just an observation). My sister always did get compliments when it’s not dyed because she has bright orange hair, naturally, when it’s not dyed another color. The very next day when I was on a bus, a man who was walking out the doors told me I have very beautiful hair. It wasn’t even fixed or brushed.  And recently in dunkin donuts another man came up to me while I was in line and told me I have very beautiful, long hair then he walked away and as I was walking out, he said goodbye. I love genuine compliments that are not intended to get something in return. 

15.) the girl I met randomly in college. I was sitting outside on campus reading a philosophy book when this girl sat next to me like she knew me. I wanted to say hello but was too shy so I just kept on reading and she said the name of my book and the author without even being able to see it. She recognized the appearance of the book! Another philosophy phreak!
What are the chances?! 😀
She told me her name, Stephanie, she was going to law school to be a criminal defense attorney and loved philosophy like me! We had a long, intriguing discussion about all the ancient and modern philosophers, philosophy of law, logic,ethics, and about our other interests. Her boyfriend was going away for the military and she was scared for him and sad he was leaving but also proud. I was so happy to have a friend in that moment, we connected so well, so genuinely, an instant soul sister. I never saw her again but my memory uplifts me to this day.

image

16.) the doctor who held my hand after surgery – many years ago I had very painful emergency surgery and medical procedure on my kidney & bladder when it almost ruptured. I was very sickly and in excruciating pain. After surgery, I was scared because I opened my eyes but couldn’t see very well. I had no idea that is normal after just waking up after surgery as I have never had surgery before then or knew anything about it. All the doctors and nurses were very warm and caring. The one doctor came over and I told her I couldn’t see and she held my hand and assured me it would get better and I would recover well. She did more than just her job, she expressed compassion, genuine concern, and empathy. Now when I think back to that ordeal, I have warm memories. 

17.) the little boy, five years old, who told me I’m beautiful one night at work. A young mom who comes with her little boys told me her older son has a little crush on me and was too afraid to tell me I’m pretty. And she told him every girl loves to be told she’s beautiful and I said yup that’s so true! And then the younger boy said “you are so beautiful!” I was so flattered. Especially because I did not feel the most beautiful that night! I was functioning with lack of sleep, ratty hair, no makeup…

And his compliment was so genuine. After that, I really did feel so beautiful, even with the dark circles under my eyes and all! When a child tells you you’re beautiful, you are beautiful! Lol

18.) the man driving by in a car who saw a random stranger, another man, putting up a ladder and stopped his car to say “yo buddy, you need help?” I just witnessed this; I wasn’t involved but it warmed me just the same.

19.) Michelle, Melissa, Lamont, Stephen, Patricia, Frank, Holly, Deborah, Aquanetta, Jennifer, Chris, Latrina, Kelly, Georgia, Gina, and all the others I knew when I had to stay in a hospital for a while for psychotic depression and suicidal contemplation. It wouldn’t be the same without those friends who helped me see it through. All strangers who helped each other bear the burden of mental illness. We all connected in a deep way, all of us struggling and understanding each other better than anyone else ever could. We suffered in our own separate worlds, imprisoned in our own secret hell but we were able to reach out to one another and let each other into that hell, knowing each other’s pain intimately. I never saw them again but I carry them in my heart. 

20.) Mr. O, the psychiatric technician who told us of his own struggle with substance addiction and his recovery and how it inspires him everyday to help others. He told us that we all have an inner sun, to find it and let it shine through. That we can always choose how to handle things and react and work on our attitude even when it hurts. He even mentioned one of my other favorite Country songs, “The Gambler,” sung by Kenny Rogers, which is about choosing our attitude and empowering ourselves. 

21.) my friend, Johnathan – he’s not a stranger. I knew him for years. He’s the most selfless person I have ever known. He gives others his last dollar always, even when he’s out of money and food for himself. He goes out of his way to help strangers, he buys food for whole families if he sees them struggling. He does (construction) work for people even if they can’t pay him. He doesn’t always know when he will get paid next but it doesn’t stop him, he will give every last dollar of his to a friend, a family member, a stranger, even an enemy. I have seen him giving money to and doing free work for people who are very unkind to him, very ungrateful, even destructively criticize him. He does this out of the goodness of his heart. He genuinely wants everyone to be happy. Everyone. He is a great dad and does whatever he can to help his kids whenever they need something, even the young adult ones. He helps animals in need if he sees them. He is extremely understanding and caring and compassionate. He’s big and strong and defends people in need. His generosity is boundless and indescribable. He just gives, gives, gives. Love, money, work, anything he has to give.

22.) the group of police officers who came to my work – I don’t charge police officers of any kind at work. They can get whatever they want for nothing. But they usually insist on paying and giving me tips. One day a group of them came and gave me a very big tip. They were very friendly and so generous. I always appreciate the friendliness and kindness more than the money itself. They had the opportunity to get whatever they wanted for nothing but they paid and gave me a generous tip. And were kind and friendly. I appreciate that and all the work they do, the risks they take with their lives and also the risk of being destructively criticized by people who do not appreciate the work they do for us and judge them all by the unjust actions of a few, the dangerous work and the boring paperwork they must endure. They risk being perceived negatively and their mistakes and flaws are magnified because of the kind of work they do. Everyone probably makes mistakes but for people of certain jobs, they stand out more. I make mistakes at work but because the job is trivial, it won’t stand out as much even though I’m no morally better. I have much appreciation & deep gratitude  for all good officers/detectives/police…

23.) The employee at Dunkin Donuts who gave me a senior discount when I did not have enough money for something after I ordered it. She could have said forget about it and let me go with nothing but she was kind enough to consider me an old person for the day and let me still have my drink! 😀

24.) the interviewer who rejected me for the job I applied to – I went on a job interview in the summer. The interviewer thought that I was qualified and experienced enough to give me a chance for an interview. After the interview process of a few potential employees, she e-mailed me to tell me she selected the person she thought was most qualified (not me 😦 lol) and she warmly thanked me for my interest and encouraged me to keep applying for jobs. I was surprised and pleased that she cared and took the time out of her very busy schedule to e mail those she interviewed who were not selected, and that she encouraged me to keep trying, to not give up. I wrote back thanking her for the chance and her message and she replied with well wishes to me for the present and the future! How sweet! I never encountered employers who are that involved or caring enough to write not one but two messages to the person they rejected and encouraging them not to give up! They usually just seem to ignore us. This shows how caring she is and not just all out for herself and her department. Not that all employers who ignore people are selfish or not caring, they just have so much to do, but writing a friendly message is evidence of true compassion. 

image

25.) the college boy who complimented me after a presentation I gave to the class on a very complex, confusing philosophy issue involving logic. In college, many years ago for one of my philosophy classes we had to write difficult papers, just like for most Phil. Classes I took. One paper I wrote, when the professor gave it back, it had A+ written on it! A is the best grade but he loved it so much he put a + on it! And not only that but he asked me to present it to the whole class! It’s to this day one of my most proudest accomplishments! It was very difficult to write, it took much thought and understanding. I don’t have social anxiety or fear of public speaking but I am very shy and this makes me forget stuff, sometimes, when I’m talking to people I don’t know well. When I would present stuff to class or professors, I would often feel like I have to get it perfect or like I will embarrass myself so it’s not always easy to talk in front of many people I don’t know well. And this is a very complex topic. So I happily agreed to present it but I was concerned I would forget how to explain it. It’s a difficult topic anyway and along with being shy and the pressure to not mess up in front of all those people, concerned me but I did very well anyway and a young man in class with me came up and told me how good I did. His compliment was everything to me and still is. 

26.) the very friendly lady I met walking up the street. My mom, sister, and me were walking up the street in cold weather but my mom was hot and not wearing a coat and a very friendly lady came up and talked to us like she knew us forever even though we never saw her before. I love people like that! She was wearing a Winter coat and hat and said she wished she could be like my mom and not have to wear all that heavy clothing and she complimented my mom and she was just so sweet and friendly. It warmed me in the bitter cold. People who talk to strangers like they’re BFF’s always uplift & inspire me!

27.) the strangers who wrote a note about feeding stray cats. The bar on the corner where I live used to have a bowl of food and a small tent made for the stray cats to seek shelter in the back. Someone did not like it and put a note up asking them to stop attracting cats. But the cats were there anyway. It’s just that now they had food and shelter. Then later a person wrote on that same note responding to the first person saying the cats need to eat and a place to go. Then later another person responded suggesting to keep feeding them or take them to a shelter so they can find furever homes. All these strangers communicated to each other without seeing each other, just writing and signing their names to express compassion for homeless animals. Eventually the cats were taken to a no kill shelter by my kind neighbors, so they can finally get the furever homes & family love they deserve. 

image

28.) the girl I met at a carnival when we were twelve years old. My mom and dad took my sister and me to a carnival but my sister was too young for the rides so I had to go on them alone but another young girl came over to me and asked me to go on them with her. We were best friends for the day.

29.) the girl in middle school who stood up for me when another girl said I had ugly hair. She told her my hair is not ugly; it’s beautiful. I still feel the compliment today. 

30.) my psychology professor in college who e -mailed me to ask if everything is ok when I stopped coming to class all of a sudden. He did not take attendance but he noticed I was missing and cared. I was involuntarily hospitalized for depression and suicide contemplation at the end of that semester. I responded and told him what happened and he was extremely compassionate and told me he would make the final exam as easy as possible for me. I was so thankful and told him so. Then later he wrote back telling me to forget about the final exam that all my exams and class assignments were very good and he would just base my final grade on those. Words cannot express my gratitude for his kindness, compassion, concern, and understanding.   
I still feel it now. Like a wrapped in a warm blanket. 

31.) Larry the love poet – there’s a man named Larry I happen to see occasionally just walking up a street, in stores, all around. I don’t know him well, I just met him outside one day, but he always stops to talk to me. He’s a poet who is crazy for love. He writes beautiful love poems and recites them for me. He remembers all the words off the top of his head! I saw him in dunkin donuts and he got out of line to hold the door for me because my hands were full! 

“When you’re in that dark place and you need that embrace
You know love is never too far away
It could be a waitress at a coffee shop you never saw before
A soldier that’s just coming home from fighting in the war
We all got a little superman ready to take flight
And save a life, oh save a life
Take a look around and you’ll see ordinary angels”

image

So here is my list of ordinary angels. And these are just some of them. There are many, many more. 

Ordinary angels are everywhere. Loving, helpful, beautiful people, random acts of kindness… are not rare…but they are often overlooked and forgotten about in the midst of the routine busyness, stress, negativity…the mundane hassles, obligations, and stresses of everyday life that many/most of us experience at some points.

And we definitely need more love, compassion, and kindness in the world. There can never be too much. Sometimes we let fear stop us so we don’t reach out, or feelings of inadequacy, like maybe a more qualified person will come along to help that person in need so we should just go our own way, or we get too wrapped up in our own lives and situations we don’t think or care to stop to help another or we have bitter feelings against people or the world, or we’re too shy or just oblivious to all the chances and the importance to help out….but all this can be overcome so we can reach out in love.

No matter who you are, there is someone, somewhere who needs you and can benefit by your touch.  Maybe someone across the world or right next door or in the very same room. 

Something as simple as a friendly hello, a loving smile, or warm touch, letting someone else go first, have the last of something even if you want it, holding a door for someone not out of a feeling of obligation but genuine desire to make something easier for someone else, feeding stray cats, squirrels, or birds,  who are hungry, adopting or fostering an animal, an uplifting comment or message on social media, sending an anonymous package during the holiday season to a person you know, to uplift that person, an anonymous or not anonymous letter to uplift someone you know is struggling in some way…all have the potential to brighten someone’s life. And as you see, these warm memories are everlasting. All these years later I remember all these lives and the many more who touched my life for the better. I carry them in my heart always.

I believe most people are basically good and caring but some people go above and beyond. Like these people above. They are full of love, compassion, courage, and life. 
They have various jobs but they help in ordinary contexts irrespective of their jobs. They don’t need a specific paid job or volunteer job or a job at all to go the extra mile and help out in some way. 
They can be financially struggling, homeless, financially rich, a doctor or celebrity, a police officer, a child, a very old person, a person with a disability of any kind…
They help & inspire because of who they are, not because of their job. Their jobs just provide opportunities for helping.
But there are opportunities all around us. 
We can all be like this. 
People with jobs where they always have to help people and famous or well known people can be ordinary angels too, helping people in “ordinary” contexts just like anyone else can, the whole point of the message is no matter who or what we are, or how much or very little we have, we can help someone in need or just brighten someone’s day. 

“A soldier that’s just coming home from fighting in the war…”

Soldiers help people at work but they can also help in more simple, ordinary ways outside of work.

I am not the only one blessed with ordinary angels. They are everywhere. We all have the potential to be an ordinary angel. Like the song says.

“…or any one of us.”

I choose to acknowledge and list them and I encourage you to do the same. Whether it’s a public post like this one or in a journal you never show anyone. 
You will have the warm memories to think about as long as you live.
Not only does it honor them even if they will never see it, it gets us in the habit of seeing them, acknowledging them, feeling immense gratitude for them. And allowing them to inspire and motivate us to pay it forward and be someone else’s ordinary angel. 

Kindness has a ripple effect and love can permeate the world. 

Whenever we reach out to make the world or someone’s life a little bit better, we reach out in Love.

Who are your ordinary angels?

When have you been someone else’s ordinary angel? The opportunities are infinite.

Go be someone’s Earth angel today.

All you need is your beautiful, loving heart.

“I’ve seen and met angels wearing the disguise of ordinary people living ordinary lives.” ~Tracy Chapman

Mobile link to YouTube video for the song, “Ordinary Angels”:

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=X4g4VlAgS4o

Desktop link: 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?app=desktop&persist_app=1&v=X4g4VlAgS4o

Xoxo Kim 😀

Fear & Hunger

image

(me then & now)

“Winning isn’t everything. The will to win is the only thing.”

It seems that some emotions or feelings such as fear of death or fear of anything really, and desire for things or people we can’t or shouldn’t have are viewed negatively by many people. Viewed as a weakness, a flaw, something to avoid at all costs. There are self-help books and teachings designed to help us not be afraid and to not desire. Not to fear death or how to overcome the fear of death, not just overcoming an unhealthy phobia but even just any natural, primitive fear of death. Not to feel desire, to not want things we do not have, to just be content with what we already have or to be happy with very little. To not want more. To not want material things because material things are bad and desire is reprehensible. To not feel disappointed if we can’t get more.

It’s like a rebellion against the media, advertising, commercialism, and consumerism.

These are good things. We don’t want fear taking over our lives or being too frequent. And it’s not good to ignore our current blessings just to want more, more, more.

Too much restlessness and ungratefulness are not good.

We often think of disappointment, the feelings we have after not succeeding or getting what we want, wanting what we can’t have, as a bad thing. Sometimes we may feel guilty for acting or feeling ungrateful.

Maybe we feel wimpy for being afraid.

But fear, hunger, and desire are beautiful things. They are not bad. They are not an indication that we are bad or wrong or ungrateful or that we need fixing. We don’t need self help books or anything to help us completely obliterate fear & desire.

It’s fantastic to be happy with very little or with everything we already have but there’s nothing wrong with acknowledging those things with gratitude while also desiring other things now & then.

image

I see things in a way that I would never have if I never suffered with depression. I see through a lens of depression, even when I’m not depressed. (it’s a good thing) I see through depression tinted glasses. Even when I’m very happy. And I wouldn’t have it any other way.

No matter how happy I am, no matter how healed I am in general, I will never lose touch with my depressed self and the deep wisdom it has shown me. And I don’t ever want to lose touch with that part of me.

There are lessons and observations and truths bubbling in my core, ingrained into me, resting in the crevices of my brain, that I would not have come to realize any other way.

For many, many years I suffered with depression and often, very little to no desire, hunger, or fear. Many days, I did not want anything. I did not fear anything. I did not care about anything. There was no hunger for life. No hunger to win. No hunger to get better.

I often did not care if I lived or died. This was not always true. My depression would always lift after a while and I would be happy again. And often, even with depression, I would still have desire, hunger, fear. Often, I would see a carnival or amusement park or jewelry and just have to have it, even as an adult and even while depressed, I would experience joy at seeing an amusement park and run to ask my dad to take my sister and me. Even with depression, I felt the joy. But there was also that other kind of depression that would come and go and I would not have any desire at all. This depression would occur too often but was not the most common. Then all depression would leave me and I would be happy.

When I was a little girl I wanted everything. I wanted every toy in every store. I wanted to go out and play with my friends. I looked up at the sky and I hungered for more. I hungrily devoured the scents, the feels, the sights and sounds, the tastes of Nature. The taste of salt water as the strong Ocean’s waves washed over me, the feel of the dirt that got under my fingernails as I rolled around in the lot my friends and me played in. The blueness of the sky that pierced my matching oceanic blue eyes as I stared innocently into the sun until it blinded me and all I saw were specks of unknown galaxies and dark black shadows of mystery. Mysteries lost in the whites of my eyes, sparkling amidst the invisible spaces of my corneas.

Mysteries I longed to know. But loved the obscurity of.

My immense love for water bugs, roaches, and my wonder at maggots turning into flies almost matched my love for caterpillars, butterflies, songbirds, and the
colorful flowers that bloomed into Spring. This seemed to baffle most of those around me, both the other kids as well as adults. How could anyone love such ugly, repulsive things? The other kids would run screaming at the first sight of a big brown roach while I would drop to my knees in awe and watch closely as one would turn over and play dead. Then I would playfully imitate the scene, lying on my back with my arms and legs crumpled up, tongue sticking out, trying hard not to laugh. I loved the disgust on the faces of those in my audience.

Or I would watch a white maggot squirm and wonder what they’re made of. What makes them white? What gives them the ability to move? Do they have insides like people? Like me? Does a maggot have a heart? My innocent, curious little girl thoughts swirled around inside my head. There was no Internet I was aware of. I couldn’t easily look it up like I can now. So I wondered. I contemplated. I entertained an infinity of ideas, in my little girl ways.

The Internet is a great gift to the world but the absence of the Internet in childhood is also a great, valuable gift. I am happy I had no Internet.

image

image

Bumble bees never scared me like they scared the other kids, even after I was painfully stung by one in the neck and my mom had to remove the stinger as I yelled in anguish and confusion. I would chase them just to catch a glimpse of that yellow fuzz that decorates their bodies, getting as close as I can, feeling a deep connection to another living, beautiful creature. Not very unlike myself. I wanted to run my finger along that fuzz. I never killed insects or bugs out of fear, dislike, or to capture that magical green glow of fireflies in my hands, on a hot Summer night.

I knew that would be one of the worst offenses anyone can commit in this life, like stealing a star out of the sky and keeping it all to myself or taking a jellyfish out of the ocean just to see through that thick clear gelatinous body
all the way through to the spineless depths of her being.

I would look up at a navy, starless midnight sky and just know somewhere deep inside there were no stars because they all burned out, not being able to stand the heaviness and constancy of my endless, annoying wishes. I felt that they had secrets I was never meant to know. I felt both sadness and awe. Awe, a feeling of great wonder, deep inspiration, and a strange kind of fear and respect.

I couldn’t think in these words or concepts at such a young, innocent age. But I felt it in my bones. I felt it venturing throughout my veins and electrifying with each pulsation of my beautiful heart that pounds through my chest. The rhythm of life pounding through me.

I still feel it.

image

As a little girl, my friends and me would build tents out of sleeping bags and sheets and blankets and beach towels, building tents to huddle in and play house together, and pretending as if these tents were our hideouts deep into some lost, secluded woods where we were being chased by a big bad wolf or a deranged stranger, I noticed the rough and smooth sounds of the sheets and nylon sleeping bags as they gently brushed together. I was struck by the infinite beauty of something so simple. Time stood still.

Listen to that! It’s like music!

Kim, you’re just crazy!

Maybe.

I would eat fun-dip candy until my tongue bled and stung, like catching a mini falling star on the tip of my tongue as if it were a snowflake. I would stare at the white stick streaked with my blood, my beautiful life sustaining fluid, in awe. There was something wondrous about eating delicious colored powder until my little tongue started leaking pink-red blood onto white. There was something thrilling about that sting. The coppery, metallic taste in combination with the sweetness of powder. I loved the burn in my chest. I would happily run to inform my mom, as if it were my greatest accomplishment. Holding up the white stick to show her this magic I discovered. But my wonder was never met with satisfaction and praise as I always hoped. Instead my mom would tell me to quit eating the candy.

image

Unlike most kids I knew, I happily anticipated going back to school when Summer ended and shopping with my mom for school supplies, shoes, and clothes. I couldn’t sleep the night before my first day back. Happy, grateful thoughts raced across my mind. I wanted to get up and dance. I wondered who I would meet. What would I learn? Even now the memory of that feeling thrills me. The great potential of meeting new friends, seeing old friends, the thrill of new teachers, and learning new things I would run home to proudly share with my mom and dad. Wondering what desk I would sit at, what kids I would be grouped with, who would my work partners and playmates be…

I loved shopping not just to get the stuff but the whole feel of shopping for it with my mom, seeing all the other shoppers, the feel of the back to school spirit all around me, the endless commercials advertising impressive things for going back to school. The scent of new, blank notebooks with white, lined pages just waiting to be filled and freshly sharpened pencils and broken crayons in a multitude of fascinating colors with fascinating names. “Tickle me pink.”

The big fruit scented markers in a disarray of colors and soft, squishy pencil erasers that felt like rubbery cement upon my fingertips. The various shapes of pencil sharpeners. I even loved the idea of white-out and couldn’t wait to make mistakes just to get to white it out. I loved the containers it always came in, the little bottles and then the other kind that came out, no longer like liquidy liquid but a little sponge that smoothly glides across the paper.

I always loved how it smelled mixed with paper and ink as it wafted up to tickle the scilia in my nose. In school we were not usually permitted to use pens so I had no use for white-out so my mom and dad would buy me it for home. I cherished the opportunity to give out valentine’s day and Christmas cards with paper hearts and candy canes taped on and would usually make one up for every kid in class. It felt so beautiful making them all happy with a sweet little card and I always had some to bring home too with sweet little messages of friendship.

I loved the feel of being in school surrounded by other kids, cared for by teachers. Immersed in the glow of the whole environment. My hungry curiosity soaking up all the information my little brain could hold. I took in all the fragrances of the classroom, the smell of food, pencil lead and shavings, washable, markers, non toxic paint, clay…,the chatter, the laughter, and all the emotions swirling about, through the air. People, children & adults alike, always told my mom how “crazy” it is a girl can love school so much.

image

Each day after school, I couldn’t wait til my friends came out and we ran through the streets and the abandoned lots. We snuck up onto the railroad and secretly climbed the gates to trespass into people’s backyards with the possibility of getting caught hanging over our heads, both thrilling us and frightening us.

As I sit here and write this, I can smell the fragrance of the green grass that filled my nose and lungs in the Summers all those years ago, I can smell the sundrenched metal on my hands after climbing the fence surrounding the big lot we played in, I can feel the richness of the soil we buried treasures in and searched for wiggly worms in with our bare hands and little fingers, I can taste the magic of the glistening snowflakes as they landed on my tongue in the dead of Winter, I feel the crisp Fall air as it caressed my skin, I feel the rainy mist and the floral beauty of Spring as it bloomed into my essence after that long, cold slumber finally ended. I hear the childish screams and laughter, the innocent taunts “takes one to know one! Last one there is a chicken brain…! I’m rubber you’re glue whatever you say bounces off of me and sticks to you! Traitor! Dirtball! Kimbo Bimbo!!

I can still hear the songs we listened to as our small bodies happily danced up and down the street, the songs that skipped and stopped and started back up as a result of my scratched up CD’s I never took good care of. I can feel the sunlight dancing upon the rain puddles after a heavy storm and the bruises and burns of the scrapes, like little sun beams, that adorned my knees as I did somersaults, went tumbling endlessly down the hills we used to play upon near the railroad, only to smack hard into the low concrete walls that surrounded the sandy, rocky spaciousness when I reached the end, and burst out laughing.

My Earth colored hair soaked in mud and sweat and grit as it tangled into an unrecognizable mass of chaos and beautiful destruction.

I can taste it today.

I sit here and my head overflows like cauldrons of emotion, nostalgia, longing, joy, happiness, pain, a deep ache way deep inside in some mysterious place of me I can’t quite identify, crackling and sizzling to the brim, on an old stove as brilliant purple and orange flames swallow it up. I see colors and stars and thousands of burning suns and glowing moons, everywhere.

It reminds me of a line in LeeAnn Womack’s song, “I Hope You Dance”. One I reference often.

“…get your fill to eat but always keep that hunger.”

I was satisfied with the beauty all around me but I always wanted more. I got my fill but I kept that hunger. Each day I couldn’t wait to go outside and play in the dirt, the snow, the grass, the rain and oily, muddy puddles my feet loved to dance in, the leaves, the worms and rolly pollies….I was astounded by the beauty in every form it came to me. My senses passionately, greedily devoured every bit of it. I was filled with wonder & awe. And I was very aware of this wonder and awe that always breathed in my lungs and flowed with my blood like a starry serenade.

image

image

I desired things I couldn’t always have. I wanted every toy, every book, every pair of shoes the instant I saw them and I would throw brief conniptions Sometimes on the rare occasions I was told no. I thought it was the worst thing to want and not get.

I also felt fear. I feared my own death even though I was too young to truly understand the full concept. I feared getting lost. I feared getting sick. I feared deeply. Fear did not take over my life but I experienced a healthy dose.

But then I gradually developed mild depression and I saw beauty still but not to the same depth. I couldn’t quite feel it as much. But it was still there. Then my lowgrade depression turned to severe, unbearable depression that consumed me in its darkness, pulling me into the secret black waters of its depths, I was submerged in despair, hit like a bag of bricks, with this thick, heavy darkness, and I saw beauty but almost never felt it as deeply. It jumped out at me and I noticed it to some degree, still noticing the simplest things it seemed no one else noticed or cared for, like the taste of cold air, the sounds of crickets, the smoothness of floor tiles, the cars and trucks sloshing through the rain in the flooded streets, the soles of shoes squeeking on bright white floors, the light reflections bouncing off of metal, the smell of hospitals and medicine and healing, the salty taste of longing, the way my soft hands feel in warm weather as they softly stroke utility poles and the wood of public benches, in fact, I seemed to notice it even more now…but it was shadowed by gray and darkness. I wanted to want it. But I just couldn’t to the extent I once hungered for it. And on some of those instances I paid too much attention and I did begin to really feel beauty again, I would shield myself against it, feeling as if I don’t deserve it, that this world is too beautiful for someone as ugly as me.

I noticed the city lights softly bathing the pavements and streets, the sounds of trains rolling across the tracks, the Beauty of the

soft rhythms of car horns in the distance late into the night while most of the world around me remained asleep, laughter out in the streets, the starlight illuminating the night, music notes riding the air as neighbors played love songs all night long, the wind that danced through my long hair. The scent of soil after the rain, the taste of cold air, the feel of soft fleece against my delicate, sensitive skin that brought me a sense of comfort, the sense of unity that surrounded me during the holidays, the creaking of floorboards beneath my feet, the green glow of fireflies, the gentle creases on people’s faces, the laughlines and the wisdom, the curve of shoulders, the little hairs in the big, dark, moles on the face of the girl I used to see on a bus often, the things I have always known are beautiful that others believe are ugly or not worth noticing. And it was all incredibly beautiful but too often I closed myself off to it.

I forced myself not to notice it. I wanted that beauty but I did not want to want it. I believed I wasn’t deserving and it hurt me. I have always been blessed with an ability to notice, acknowledge, and appreciate things, incredibly simple and mundane things, in a way it seems most around me almost never do or never notice and appreciate in the same way I always did. I have always loved simplicity and monotony. And not just the things themselves but the fact of experiencing them, the whole experience itself. And I have always lived in gratitude and some degree of mindfulness even before it became my intentional way of life. Even before I knew what gratitude or mindfulness even is.

I was never quite able to put it into words.

I was not brought up this way. It just lives in me. It always has. It always will.

Most children are more mindful and grateful than adults I believe, it’s a child’s nature, but mine seemed on fire and still is to this day. As we’re growing up, we often lose that sense of childish wonder to some extent, just getting caught up in the obligations and expectations and stresses of everyday life. Mine was hindered by depression but then brought back to life by depression way more intense than it was before depression.

Now even in the throes of a deep, deep depression, I don’t shield myself against that beauty. Instead, I cling to it for my life.

When I’m depressed, I can’t feel it to the same depth usually, as when I’m not depressed but I still easily notice it and can feel it to some degree. And I seize it and hold on tight.

Like a lifeboat out on some distant shore waiting for my grasp, promising to save me if only I reach out.

That wonder never left me completely.

image

Even in a psychiatric hospital under suicide watch for weeks, as a young woman, when I got my hands on a pen without anyone knowing (mental patients weren’t allowed to have pens) I was thrilled beyond belief. A doctor accidentally left it on a table and the second he walked away I snatched it up and it hid it and when we had to sign in for a group therapy session I was just the coolest thing around, signing my name with a pen in big bold, blue, letters, while every other patient had to use a pencil. ;-D

image

And the day I found a paperclip in the visiting room and hid it because it was just the most amazing thing to have a prohibited and somewhat sharp object in my possession while under suicide watch. I got both the pen and the clip taken off me when they saw me strolling the halls with them in my hands.

:-/

My mind drifts back now
to that moment my sense of taste returned while in the cafeteria, after what seemed like an eternity.

I am sitting around a small table with my friends who are not my friends but intimate strangers, all held together by some kind of lonely bond. No laces in our shoes, plastic forks and spoons, strings removed out of our hoods, plastic bracelet around my slender wrist bearing my name that then seemed
anomalous to me.

Struck by the sharp taste of the potatoes, struck in a delicious way, like meteor showers.
blasting through my whole being. Still so deeply and heavily depressed but

holding onto that moment as if my life depends on it. A moment surrounded by people who understand my pain and bizarre thoughts.

When they took me to the court of mental heath and I was the star of the show, I was fascinated. It felt so bizarre and so intriguing to be the center of attention, everyone talking about me but not to me. I wasn’t allowed to speak unless spoken to and no one spoke to me til the end when my lawyer and me lost the case and I was involuntarily hospitalized even longer. I sat in a zombified state, lifeless, sedated not by medication but deep emotional pain. But some moments my hunger returned. My hunger for knowledge, my fascination for how laws and courtrooms operate. Even in the midst of depression, there were always moments of joy, life, zest, beauty…Often, my depression was deep pain but on less common occasions, it was numb, lifelessness. This was even worse but especially made everything more beautiful when it would lift.

Even in my deepest, blackest despair in a mental hospital I stood with a young man, another sick patient, as we marveled at the vibrancy and color of the life in the courtyards outside the windows, just beyond our reach.
Tantalizing and beautiful. And heartbreaking. And breathtaking. We stood in breathless wonder, even while held in the agonizing bondage of our sickness, invisible fetters keeping us chained in darkness and psychosis.

image

He brought my attention to it, bringing a small spark of life back into me, a thin sliver of feeling to my zombefied state when he showed me the solitary flower that seemed to blossom just for the two of us, reminding me that life still exists beyond the pain as he showed me a bright red flower bathing in the golden, fiery, sunlight. Even the thin sliver of life, that

sparkle of electricity that surged through my body was enough in that moment. Just enough. This reminded me and continues to remind me to grasp and embrace whatever gems of beauty are before me, surrounding me, within me, in any form they exist. No matter how much it hurts or how lifeless or hopeless it feels. There is always something to hold. Something to move forward for. Even if it’s just a tattered thread blowing in the bitter
cold winds of despair.

image

I think of the nights we are kept awake by the sound of each other’s insomnia and the silent but screaming tears the night weeps onto our surface and into our core, and those moments we are able to laugh with one another as if we were never sick, as if we never knew the lifelessness and horror of depression and psychosis. Laughing uncontrollably without holding back, everything else is pushed aside for a moment, all the despair, the hallucinatory voices & figures that
stalk
the
nights, the suffocating loneliness, the paranoid delusions, the puddles of emotional sickness, we laugh relentlessly in raw joy and all is momentarily Ok.

image

I recall the day a group of us got together and decided to trick the psychiatric technicians and pretend we were talking to people who weren’t really there. She knew we were faking and laughed with us playfully warning us “just wait til the doctors get here and see if you get to go home any time soon, you’ll never get out of here!” We quit real fast!

image

And the day I was going to be discharged to go home which happened to be the day they were having an ice cream party but not until later, after a couple of us had to leave. I wanted ice cream and to sit around with the others and I seriously, very briefly considered telling them I was still suicidal. I wasn’t. But it was almost worth it to pretend. Just weeks before I would not even get out of bed for breakfast. My hunger got stronger each day.

I have always known a certain awareness that most others I know or encounter seem oblivious to.

There are moments I have felt lonely in my ability to see and appreciate the things it seems many or most overlook. It reminds me of a scene in Edith Wharton’s, Ethan Frome.

“He had always been more sensitive than the people about him to the appeal of natural beauty. His unfinished studies had given form to this sensibility and even in his unhappiest moments field and sky spoke to him with a deep and powerful persuasion. But hitherto the emotion had remained in him as a silent ache, veiling with sadness the beauty that evoked it. He did not even know whether any one else in the world felt as he did, or whether he was the sole victim of this mournful privilege. Then he learned that one other spirit had trembled with the same touch of wonder: that at his side, living under his roof and eating his bread, was a creature to whom he could say: ‘That’s Orion down yonder; the big fellow to the right is Aldebaran, and the bunch of little ones – like bees swarming – they’re the Pleiades…’ or whom he could hold entranced before a ledge of granite thrusting up through the fern while he unrolled the huge panorama of the ice age, and the long dim stretches of succeeding time. The fact that admiration for his learning mingled with Mattie’s wonder at what he taught was not the least part of his pleasure. And there were other sensations, less definable but more exquisite, which drew them together with a shock of silent joy: the cold red of sunset behind winter hills, the flight of cloud-flocks over slopes of golden stubble, or the intensely blue shadows of hemlocks on sunlit snow. When she said to him once: ‘It looks just as if it was painted!’ it seemed to Ethan that the art of definition could go no farther, and that words had at last been found to utter his secret soul….” (pp. 24)

I was shocked the moment I first read those beautiful lines. Pleasantly shocked. I feel myself in those words and in the small but profound spaces in the middle of each little lexeme.

It can be frustrating and also beautiful to feel as if those around me cannot or won’t share in my sense of wonder at the simple beauty all around us. The forgotten. The ignored. The abandoned.

The things I make it a point each day to reclaim.

image

(I STILL do this when I get happy, thrilled, overwhelmed in joy!) 😀

It’s one reason I love poetry and photography and novels. They have the potential to capture beauty, ugliness, pain, and ordinary things in an extraordinary way. Shedding light on dark, abandoned places and spaces. Places and spaces I have always longed to color with the beauty of my Truth.

And it’s beautiful.

They have a way of replicating wonder and awe and fossilizing them. Bringing them to life. Bringing them to the surface of consciousness. Threading them throughout eternity like a beautiful tapestry of gold and red, fire and ice.

I have always had a poetic way of seeing things. My head spins the world into poetry and song.

It doesn’t always make sense. Sometimes it’s incomprehensible even to me. But it’s always wonderful.

So even in my desperation, my depression, my despair, and lifelessness, I often noticed and wanted these beautiful things but I closed my heart to them, shut it off as if encased in thick cement.

Sometimes I wanted to want things and couldn’t.

Other occasions I wanted things I did not want to want.

Still, other occasions I wanted nothing and did not want to want anything but to vanish into nothingness or die a horrible violent death to match the horrible violent feelings inside me. This was rare.

This went on for years and years, and more years, off and on with genuine happiness thrown into the mix here & there. Until I finally decided to get myself better. I asked for help. I work on myself relentlessly to be the best me I can be(not a perfectionist).

Now I feel beauty everywhere, every day. And I feel fear more. Fear for myself.

Have you ever been crossing a street or standing at a curb on a pavement and a car seems to be coming too close to you and a bolt of fear runs though you? Or have you ever been in a car and another car almost hits the one you’re in or actually hits it and you feel a bit shaken for a while after and you feel it’s a bad thing? I don’t think most people have true near death experiences but I think many/most of us have experienced at least one of those mundane occurrences like with cars coming a bit too close, maybe an encounter with a creepy stranger, walking up a dark street alone and hearing footsteps or seeing/hearing something that makes the hairs on your neck stand up. Or a person driving a car you’re in a little too fast and you fear for others but also yourself.

All these experiences may shake you up a bit but that is an amazing thing!

It shows that you are healthy. You’re meant to be afraid when you think you’re in danger.

Desire.

Have you ever walked through a store and saw expensive things you strongly desired but couldn’t have? Jewelry? Designer clothes? Beautiful furniture? Antiques? A lovely handbag? A gorgeous dress? Ever laid eyes on a beautiful house you couldn’t buy?
And then you felt low for not being able to buy them…for not having them…

Have you ever wanted to win a game so badly or a competition of some sort? Ever wanted to be accepted to a certain school and graduate? Or applied for a job you desperately wanted?

And it did not turn out how you wanted it to and you felt devastated…

This too is a great thing! It’s healthy to want, to need, to hunger….and to be disappointed when it doesn’t turn out.

Just like when a very physically ill person is too sick to eat or even want food then the person begins getting better and appetite and physical hunger returns and the person’s doctor or mom says how great it is. Because it’s healthy to want to eat.

Have you ever shielded yourself against beauty and things you want, feeling as if it’s wrong to want them or feeling as if you deserve none of it?

I encourage you to embrace the beauty around you and within you. Embrace your hunger, your fear, your desire. Whether or not you act on it.

It’s healthy to want.

Wanting is more important than getting.

Desiring, itself, is to be cherished, valued for all that it stands for. For all that it is.

It shows you are an active participant in life.

I had this epiphany, I guess you can say, in greater depth one day recently walking through Target. I saw so much jewelry, real and fake, I wanted but could not get. I felt disappointed. The way I wanted it was more than desire. It was hunger. The bracelets, the earrings, the necklaces, the bags that can make a girl go weak at the knees!…and then I remembered various occasions years ago walking through that very same store, seeing all that jewelry but not caring to have it even though I loved it, or wanting it but not with the same enthusiasm I would now, because of being depressed, or wanting it and becoming more depressed for not being able to have it. (There were definitely occasions back then when I was not depressed at all and wanted it all but depression was frequent back then.)

That’s when I realized more how great it is and feels to desire what I love. Even when I cannot have it. I don’t always desire material objects like that even when I’m not depressed; generally I’m so happy with just the things I already have. I can often walk through stores without wanting everything I lay eyes on. And that’s a good thing too. But it’s not good to have no interests because depression or guilt saps it all away. Some people have reached a certain level of spirituality where they want almost nothing and do not fear death even when it’s currently staring them in the face but not because of an illness, because they have trained their brains to not be concerned with material things or external factors. They are happy this way. They are not numb. They are alive. This is a good thing. Most of us, though, are not spiritual like this or to this extent. So when we have desire and fear, it’s good.

I think it’s hard for non depressed people and maybe even some depressed people to realize this. It’s ok to want and not get and then be temporarily devastated or angry or disappointed. It’s healthy to a certain point.

After years of pain, numbness, and lifelessness, off and on, I realize this. I was stuck and stagnant. I was half dead.
This was not always, I definitely experienced happy intervals along with depressed episodes and waves but it was too frequent.

When I used to think I was going to die, I was sometimes either happy or indifferent.

Seeing a speeding truck coming at me only provoked my concern for others, not myself.

When depression lifts completely or layers lift…

I realize how beautiful it feels to want to paint my nails, to want to put makeup on because it’s fun, to want to walk through a store and buy things even when I don’t have the money.

I wanted these things sometimes even when I was depressed but not to the same extent. They often felt like hassles or obligations. Or just tainted in gray. Dull gray. Or the color of vomit. A faded kind of green. A lifeless shade of green-gray.

Often, when depressed, I would see things I wanted to want or see things I knew I would want if I wasn’t lost in a vicious kind of darkness tearing me to pieces, choking me, swallowing me whole.

When not depressed, or even less depressed,
I want to paint my nails. I want to choose eye shadow of various pretty colors to complement the vibrancy of the blue of my eyes. I want to wear pretty clothes that look amazing on my beautiful physique.

I want things I can’t have and it hurts.

And it’s beautiful.

I still get depressed and am consumed by the dark pain or I get the other kind of depression, the kind that numbs me and I feel nothing, which sometimes feels worse than the unbearable pain. Before, it was not constant but it was frequent. My happiness was genuine when it would lift and my happiness would stay a while but that depression would always come back and sometimes quickly or it would come and go quickly off and on.

It is less frequent now. And I realize more and more the deep, primitive beauty of hunger & fear.

When I come out of a severe depression, when it starts to lift, I am hungry. Ravenous. Not hungry for food but hungry for life and everything in it. Hungry for the colors in the wind, the textures, the tastes, the sounds, the feelings and fragrances. Food tastes better than I can ever remember, an out of this world kind of deliciousness.. Music and songs are beautiful in an unfathomable way, my mind feels clear and hope is restored. This is how it has always been for me since I was 13 years old and a depressive episode would lift. It was never mania, just true happiness that really stands out after so much darkness and pain.

My judgment can be trusted.

I become ravenous, rapacious, like a starved, wild animal. My eyes, my mind devour anything they can.
It’s like I can’t get enough.
It reminds me of a blind person who was blind his/her whole life then all of a sudden can see and it’s overwhelming. Everything jumps out at once, the sensory input is too much to bear at once, dizziness, confusion, clashing, mind-blowing.
But it’s beautiful because the person can see.

I was blind but now I see.

It reminds me of the novel “The Secret Garden,” a beautiful story of growth, hope, and rebirth.

It reminds me of when I had emergency surgery on my kidney when I was a girl of twenty-one years. I couldn’t eat for days, I was in pain and had an IV drip for a couple days. When I got a little bit better, I was starved. I was hungry.
I craved food like never before.
And pizza fries and Coca Cola never tasted so good. I was so happy. At 21 years old, like at most other ages, I experienced deep depression off and on but also, deep, deep happiness.

I feel the entire universe inside me in all its perfections and flaws, all its beauty and pain. Its joy and misery, happiness, and despair. And I am born again.

When I look up at the sky or at a bumblebee or at thin blades of green grass or weeds, I see poetry and music and paintings. When I’m in a dark room and I look at a door, ajar with just a streak of light seeping in through the narrow crack, I see photography. When I look at strangers on a bus or walking up the street, when I see traffic speeding in the rain on a dreary gray day, I see novels flash across my mind. When I think of my pain, I feel a story. A story to be written and told again and again to reach out and touch someone else for the better.

image

I’m not manic. I know what mania is. I don’t have it. It’s an illness and the people struck with it can’t think clearly even when they think they can and have clouded judgment. I can remain and think in a calm manner even when I think and feel this way. I know I am not invincible. My judgment is sound and I am not delusional in this case I mention here. And I know there are reasonable limits and rules I must adhere to and I do. Mine is not dangerous like mania can be. But what I describe here may resemble that illness. It’s not to be confused with it. Mine is an awakening, an awareness triggered by an illness of the mind, one that has ravaged my brain for years. It’s not an illness itself. I don’t always feel this ecstacy when I’m happy. Sometimes it’s more of a calm serenity, a quiet joy. But it’s just as fierce.

image

If you want something you don’t have, it’s ok. It’s best not to let it take over your life and make you miss out on all the goodness you do have and it’s usually best I believe, not to feel our worth is dependent upon external factors but it’s ok to desire, to hunger. And it’s ok to be angry, disappointed, devastated for a while, that we can’t have it yet or ever. Even if it’s something trivial like jewelry or a fun vacation. Bask in the beauty of that hunger to be better, to have more, to get away…bask in that desire and the disappointment.

Sit with it.

Then remember all the greatness you possess and are and let that disappointment And desire dissolve.

And be happy now.

Did you ever think of disappointment as a good thing?

I’m here to open you up to another perspective.

image

You don’t have to be someone with longterm depression like me to get an idea of what I write of. That’s one reason why we write, to help others understand and discover wisdom without ever experiencing what we have. And to let those with similar experiences know they are never alone.

The worst thing is not to want and not get. The worst thing is to be dead. And half dead. To not want at all because you are too lifeless to care. Or too lifeless to have the energy to even begin to desire or fear. And it’s ok to be half dead. If you are half dead then you are half alive. And you can awaken that other half.

image

When you have a brush with death and your body turns to jelly, bask in the beauty of that fear. Embrace it. Keep tasting it. You’re alive. And you want to be alive.

Revel in the wonder of that trembling.

Trembling in awe. Trembling in fear.

Trembling.

Don’t shield yourself against the beauty you know. Try not to mask your desire and fear with feelings of guilt because we’re taught it’s wrong to want, to need, to fear, to get.

Let’s be happy, thrilled, overjoyed with the simplest of all the beauty around us. And nOt too

disappointed too long when we don’t get what we want. And let us keep reaching for the stars. I have always been naturally inclined to notice and love the simple beauty but I learned to strengthen my nature, make it more conscious, intentional.

Keep wanting more, keep desiring, keep trying, keep fearing.

Get your fill to eat. But always, always, keep that hunger.

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=nICs–86Vng

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=RV-Z1YwaOiw&app=m&persist_app=1
😀

Read “The Secret Garden” for free here:
http://www.gutenberg.org/files/113/113-h/113-h.htm

Read “Ethan Frome” for free here:
http://www.gutenberg.org/files/4517/4517-h/4517-h.htm

Xoxo Kim