Tag Archive | blog

One Lovely Blog Award <3


Thank you so much to LifeBeyondMommy


For nominating me for this award! I’m so honored! 

Please go check out her lovely blog!! ❤

One Lovely Blog Award

The rules are as follows:

Thank the person who nominated you and provide a link to their blog.
List the rules.
Display the award on your post of the award.
List 7 facts about yourself.
Nominate 15 bloggers and comment on their post to let them know you have nominated them.
7 facts about me:

1.) I love mint flavored anything! Cookies, candy, ice cream…Mint is just the best! mmmMmmmmm
2.) One thing I have never done is color or perm or do anything like that to my hair. In my whole life I only ever had two hair cuts I think, except for trimming. I just love it how it is. 😀
3.) Oldies music & Country are my favorite. 
4.) My favorite kinds of books to read are Philosophy, personal development, Buddhist, and horror fiction books. I also love inspiring novels.
5.) I love wild colored socks with designs and patterns that stand out. Socks are one of my favorite things to buy. When I buy packs and packs of socks, I'm in Heaven on Earth! Lol But I never wear mismatched sox!
6.) I always loved school, elementary school til college.
7.) I cannot stand the feel of soft material rubbing against my skin, especially my hands. It's hard to explain in words. I don't mind wearing clothes but if they rub on my skin it's disgusting. Lol It's kind of like the way nails rubbing on a chalkboard are to some people but maybe not exactly. 

I love a lot of blogs and don't like choosing some and not others. I know there's going to be a few I forget. So I took a list of all the ones I can remember this moment and just took fifteen since 15 is the limit! 

Here goes!
















I understand not everyone participates in awards but it won't make me love your blog any less!


These aren't in any kind of order and there's other ones I love too that aren't listed! 

Please check out these lovely, lovely blogs!! Thank you!! 😀

Much love,

xoxo Kim ❤

2015 Annual Blogging Report



Today WordPress sent us the Annual Blogging Report! Yayy! Very interesting!






I don’t know if the link works because it asked me to make it public so people can see but I don’t know how. So here’s a couple of screencaps!

Thank You so much to everyone who reads/shares/likes…my content and comments!! I greatly appreciate it, always! I cherish every comment, like, share, & everyone who reads!!

Thank You so much!! ❤


Here is the one for last year, 2014:


I hope you are having a beautiful day/night!

Much love,

xoxo Kim

I love….in 400 words <3


In my inbox, I was delighted to receive a kind of “blog challenge” post where we write what we love in 400 words. It’s basically just a list but in paragraph form. I love, love, LOVE reading about people, whether I know them or not. I love random, useless, interesting facts about people like their favorite color, book, TV show, movie, things that make them unique and make up the someones that they are. It’s great when people share these little gems. 


Here is what I love in 400 words:

I love…. tropical scents, Hawaiian Ginger, citrus, coconut, cucumber melon, body mist, scented candles, oldies music and sappy love songs, Center City Philadelphia buildings, hugs, tight red dresses, five inch stilettos, especially open toe, strappy ones, my long hair and the way it feels when it brushes my lower back and blows in the wind, photography, being creative with the pictures, nights in bed with doggies, reading fascinating books, philosophy, bright yellow mums, the way the moon stalks me at night and waking up to the incandescent golden sun, writing, receiving sweet blog comments/notifications, early mornings, hot tea, meditation, mindfulness, meeting people, seeing people, talking to people, both strangers and people I know, busses and trolleys, especially ours, snow and rain, listening to rain and hail pelt upon rooftops, the sounds of the city, especially at night, jury service, crunchy Autumn leaves, Summer bumblebees, the gray barrenness of Winter and the colorful life blossoming in Spring, big, warm, fluffy pj’s, the holiday season, feeling as One with all that is, helping people, inspiring people, being inspired, belly laughs that hurt so good, being amused in inappropriate situations and trying hard not to burst out laughing hysterically, shopping for clothes, the changing of the seasons, random acts of kindness, sweet friends(online and off)/family(including pets), feeling someone else’s happiness as if it were my own, simplicity, animals, people, deep connections with others, the floral fragrance of Spring, Love of all kinds, trees, rivers, bridges, especially the Ben F. Bridge, the bright blue sky dappled in fluffy white clouds, twilight, cobblestone streets, Kindle app, light conversations, deep conversations, personal development, thunder,  lightening, cola, old slow songs, the smell of doggy paws and fur, babies, my heartbeat and the way it feels against my hand, wrinkles, laughlines, gray hair, beauty marks, moles, wisdom, quiet, stillness, tuning into the present moment, old pleasant memories, country music, American Southern accent, English accent, packages in the mail, old books, free books, friendly smiles, denim pants, orchids, pitbulls, kids laughing, life itself, scary haunted attractions, Halloween, fiction mystery thrillers, inspiring novels, art journals, trampolines, cafes, myself, inspiring lists, blogs, cool nights, fireflies, flowers, Christmas, bokeh photos, sleet, paw prints in the snow, Philadelphia, pomeranians, romantic comedies, movies about friendship, being in a room full of people, long walks in warm weather, daylight, nightfall, empathy, quiet afternoons, poetry, dark poetry, obscure poetry, old literature, puppy kisses, gratitude, inspiring quotes


What do you love?! This is a very uplifting activity. Whenever I make a list of all the amazing things I love, I feel so light, uplifted, and happy! I think it has an unconscious effect. I hope you will do this activity too and even if you don’t want to share it, you can just write it in a journal or on a computer or phone.

You can even put your own spin on it, make a list instead of a paragraph…

If you post what you love, share it in the comments! Or you can just post a few things instead of 400 words. 😀


Here is the link I received in my inbox. This girl, Tanya Geisler, did this activity. I receive many inspiring e-mails by many places and this is just one.


Thank You for reading!!<3

Much love to you! ❤

2014 in review {wordpress}

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2014 annual report for this blog.

Here's an excerpt:

A San Francisco cable car holds 60 people. This blog was viewed about 2,300 times in 2014. If it were a cable car, it would take about 38 trips to carry that many people.

Click here to see the complete report.

Random parts of me <3


A while ago I did a blog “challenge” called “If you really knew me…” (https://inspirationalgem.wordpress.com/2013/01/12/if-you-really-knew-me-3/ )
which is a list of things about the person that people may or may not know. I decided to do another one with more random facts about me! 😀

If you really knew me, you would know….

I love the sounds of the city especially at night. The cars and voices and laughing, the music…It all stands out to me in a profound, beautiful way. I love laying in bed late at night and hearing people out in the back or out in the streets, talking and laughing and living. There’s something amazing about knowing that people are awake and alive while I’m in bed at night.

Rain is one of the greatest loves of my life. Sometimes I can’t quite find the words to describe the depth of joy it brings me and the thrill that surges through me when it rains. Or even looks or feels like it may rain. I am exhilarated by the mere thought of rain. I feel so alive in the rain. So secure. So liberated. Whenever I walk in rain or mist I am completely free. No matter what may be going on, no matter what fears or concerns are troubling me then, they disappear into the rain. Every insecurity I have that comes and goes, temporarily, goes out the window when I walk alone with raindrops pelting upon my soft skin, streaking my long hair, kissing every inch of me.
And I become the rain.
Something about it is so protective like nothing bad can ever happen to me when it’s raining. The sounds, the scents, the tastes, the feel, the look…it’s all so perfect.

Dreams – I often remember my dreams, always have. I rarely have nightmares, almost never. Sometimes my dreams know things before I do in life, and they send their wisdom to me during my slumbering hours. Sometimes I don’t consciously realize something or I’m convinced of something that isn’t true and I go to sleep and it’s there that the answers manifest. Sometimes I get depressed and suicidal and believe I want so desperately to die and I sleep and I dream. This recurring dream that comes often when I’m depressed. A Dream that someone is trying to kill me and in my dream I desperately want to live. In my dream I do everything to survive, whatever it takes. I run, hide, do things that are impossible in my reality, I find solutions when I think there are none. The emotion, the desperation, the Will is so strong, so overwhelming. So real. When I wake up I know what this dream is telling me. To live.
Once, I had a dream about myself. I was torn about a decision I made. I wasn’t sure what to do. Deep inside me I felt that I knew the truth but still wasn’t sure. I felt a voice deep inside me, I heard it say to listen to my intuition, to surrender to that pull, that tugging deep within, it always knows what I need, want, desire, crave. It knows best. My deep wisdom inside me, in places I’m not all conscious of, knows what’s best for me. It whispers quietly, gently, waiting for me to receive. Waiting for me to welcome it with a completely open heart and let it sink deeper into me.
When the uncertainty and pain and negativity and fears and defeat and demands of society, life, and others are screaming loudly, blood-curdling screams, that quiet, gentle whispering wisdom is more powerful, still.
I’ll never forget that dream and I carry it with me, every day.
My sleepy dreams are why I have a B.A. Degree in philosophy.


Cold – I get cold so easily. In 100 degree weather a light wind can blow and I can become freezing wishing I had a hoodie. I also can’t tolerate cold like most people can. Although cold weather is some of my favorite weather. I’m always wanting to turn the air conditioning off, open windows to let the warmth of the sun stream in. One morning, recently, I woke up in my bed in 80 something degree weather wrapped in three quilts with my air conditioner turned as low as possible and my bedroom door wide open with just a ceiling fan swirling.

I’m a city girl and no place will ever have my heart more than my own city but for my whole life I have felt drawn to the countryside, to the warm South. I have always loved Texas though I never laid eyes on it. I will visit one day and make it a point to visit again and again.
I always dreamed of Texas and I feel a deep pull in me to be there. I yearn for the quietude, the green, the southern accents, the nature all around…my dream is to live there part of every year, probably in the Summer. One day a novel found its way into my arms completely randomly and unlikely, like magic, and I read it and it takes place in Texas and is one of my favorite books and made me want even more to go there.
I also feel drawn to Aspen, Colorado and my dream is to visit some Winter again and again. I long for the cold, the glistening snow, the pine.
I find it so beautiful how I can be so deeply drawn, mysteriously called to people, places, and things and not know why at a conscious level but something deep inside me must know.

I have a strong stomach and like to seriously gross people out just for shits and giggles. My mom and sister don’t have such strong stomachs and when I see or think of something that I know would make them disgusted or queasy I burst out laughing and run to tell them. One day my dog threw up and as I was cleaning it, I described to them, in great detail, the contents of it and said “MmmmMmm this is making me hungry…!” they were so disgusted and appalled.

I think everything is hilarious. I laugh everyday and play annoying, immature jokes on people. Taking my mom’s phone when she isn’t looking, talking in silly voices to my sister that annoys her, sending dumb or perverted jokes in text messages….lol

I love poetry, especially obscure poetry with a kind of darkness to it. I love when the meaning of the poem isn’t very obvious but seems to make some kind of sense. When the author doesn’t explain it and allows the readers to interpret however they will and guess and wonder at the author’s intention or just make up their own meaning to it.. I like to write poetic things which have a certain meaning to me but if I allowed someone to read them I would like the person to apply his/her own meaning.

I love to read and am deeply inspired by just about everything I read. My brain hungrily devours the words and concepts on the pages. When I read novels I fall in love with the characters and the places in the books. I miss them when the book is over. And days, weeks, years later I still cherish the memories of reading certain books that have spoken volumes to my heart and living in the book’s world when I did. I find reading to be very comforting. To be wrapped up in another world, another place, another time. I am sad when the book ends. I feel a kind of emptiness.
But I like it. I love being touched so deeply.
Before I usually wouldn’t even read novels. I saw no point. I only wanted educational stuff but I’m happy I changed. I was really, really missing out. I love books with profound messages, valuable life lessons, beautiful writing, characters with true substance, page turners that I’m happy to fall asleep with and thrilled to wake up to.

If the only way I were able to live is to be supported with feeding tubes and plugged into machines, I would still choose life not because I’m afraid to die or let go but because I have a will to survive and my life can still be beautiful and valuable even if I need extra help.
Brain dead, which is often as good as dead, is not the same as brain damaged or disabled. So if I’m not brain dead in significant ways I would choose life.

Sometimes I have difficulty sleeping at night because of happy thoughts. Thoughts that are so overwhelmingly positive I want to get up and dance, jump for joy, blast sappy love songs into the night, because I’m bursting with love and gratitude for all of life. Because I just read a good book or am in the middle of reading one, because I can’t stop thinking about wonderful inspirational, uplifting quotes I have come across, because I think of sunsets and sunrises and life itself, because I think of beautiful people I know, have known, and want to know, because my music won’t stop playing to let me rest….sometimes I actually do get up at 1:00 or 2:00 or 3:00 in the morning and dance around my room in the dark with my earphones in or dance in the bathroom and it annoys my sister when she comes through my room to get into the bathroom and I’m in there bouncing off the walls. I’m not manic, just happy. 😀 i find it not in my best interest to do gratitude meditations, even sleep ones, at night because they keep me up with all the goodness that comes flooding into me. I’m just bursting at the seams some nights, like a child who can’t sleep because she wants to get up and play.

I can fall asleep anywhere and sleep through anything, on a public transportation bus with screaming kids, on the floor of a crowded public place, outside, in class when I was in college(I got in trouble more than once for sleeping in class), with music blasting, at someone else’s house, with dogs barking….lol
And if I get woken up I can easily go right back to sleep.

I love when people are raw and open and honest about themselves and share their life story, proudly displaying their names and faces, not holding back. It’s deeply inspiring to see/hear/read people spilling their lives and hearts to all who will
listen. I want people to know my name, to know me, the good, the bad,the ugly,the beautiful

“What would happen if one woman told the truth about her life?
The world would split open.” ~ Muriel Rukeyser

Xoxo Kim


Thank You <3


Thank You so so much to my new followers & the old ones too. And the people who liked and commented on my posts. Words really can’t express my true gratitude & appreciation. <3. I love knowing that people have read & like my content & blog!!! :-D. I appreciate every one of you and your encouragement & kindness!! 😀




Blogger Award

I have been wanting to post this so badly.  

But I had work so frequently and could not get around to it! I feel so accomplished now! Lol ;-D As I have posted on here before I am so honored and flattered to have been nominated for this award: http://etsuchan.files.wordpress.com/2013/05/untitled.png By Etsuchan at: http://etsuchan.wordpress.com/ I am thrilled that she finds my blog worthy of this lovely award!!! Like I have stated previously, she is beautiful, talented, and I love her beautiful blog! Please, go check it out!!! Now it is my job to nominate some of my favorite blogs for this award! I love a lot of blogs on here and I was attempting to list fifteen. I have more that I really love too. I don’t have access right now to a computer and I’m using my mobile phone which is great!! But cannot do everything. I was looking through my reader on here and copying links to paste of some blogs that I want to nominate but the links I copied showed up wrong so I had to look up all the following blogs on Google to get the working link! So here is a list of some of the best blogs I know other than http://etsuchan.wordpress.com/ These are in no specific order: http://greenhornphotos.com/ http://studentswithbirds.wordpress.com/ http://terry1954.wordpress.com/ http://lesleycarter.wordpress.com/ http://gyatoday.wordpress.com/ http://5kidswdisabilities.com/ http://urbanwallart.wordpress.com/ http://beapositivelight.wordpress.com/ http://everydaypowerblog.com/ http://thebettermanprojects.com/ http://chosenvoice.wordpress.com/ Please check all these amazing blogs out! And thank you so so much to http://etsuchan.wordpress.com/ Here’s the rules: 1.) Thank the person who gave you this award.  2.) Include a link to their blog. 3.) Select 15 blogs/bloggers that you’ve recently discovered or follow regularly. 4.) Nominate those 15 bloggers for the Versatile Blogger Award. http://versatilebloggeraward.wordpress.com/

Just saying THANKS and also bragging just a little! lol ;-)

Hello everyone!!  I appreciate each and every one of you!  All the readers, the likes and shares, the lurkers who may appreciate my blog content but not comment, my followers who I have recently found out about, all the people who comment…..ALL of you.  As you may know I mostly use my mobile phone and cannot see everything I can see on a computer.  For example, I cannot see my spam folder on my phone.  I have just recenly begun using my dad’s computer sometimes and i noticed my spam folder on here which I never even realized exists until tonight,  I found 27 messages in there, many of which are not spam at all but actually extremely kind and warm, friendly messages about my blog and me.  So I unspammed the messages branded as spam and approved them.  I was able to respond to some but my connection isn’t very good tonight on the computer.  Whenever I see a message I will ALWAYS respond and NEVER ignore and I will never take long to respond.  Every person deserves a response and I appreciate all comments and everything even if you don’t agree with me on everything.  So I promise to get back to each and every one of you very soon when my connection does not suck! lol  I believe part of blogging is responding to readers’ comments.  And it often seems rude not to acknowledge people who are kind enough to take the time to contact someone.  I am not extremely computer savvy either so sorry for any mistakes or anything or if I accidentally miss something. Thank You all!  And i just got to see what my blog actually looks like on a compter and it’s really quite pretty! lol!!  I love the lovely color and beautiful flowers and stuff I see.

Much love and appreciation to all of you!!! ❤  🙂 😀 ❤

x0xo Kim ❤ 😀

“Arthur Christmas” & a beautiful life lesson <3

On one of the blogs I read called “Positively PImageresent” an author of one of the entries/articles makes a short list comprised of some of her favorite Christmas movies and the life lessons they convey.

They’re not all just about holiday cheer and decorations and presents galore! They convey important life lessons that we can all benefit by being reminded of.

For example on the list is Rudolph’s story and about how he was bullied for being “different” and how it’s ok to be different and we should accept and cherish diversity.

And the Grinch movie shows how a person can be persuaded by the better and have a softer and warmer heart, by the attitudes and love of others.

I loved reading the list and descriptions of the movies and decided to add one of my own that is not on that list.

“Arthur Christmas”

When I saw this movie in the theatre I found it so sweet and incredibly entertaining but it also has a wonderful and beautiful message. In the movie Santa Clause delivers presents to children around the globe but one little girl is forgotten when there is some sort of glitch and her present falls and never makes it to Santa’s sleigh. Arthur wants to get this gift to the little girl so that she will not be excluded and heartbroken on Christmas day when she wakes up and realizes she was forgotten. People throughout the movie state that she’s only one child and it doesn’t matter to forget one person because the person is only one. But Arthur stands his ground even in the face of obstacles and is determined to stay true to the idea that every person matters. Every person is special and every person is someone and should be made to feel important and happy. 

This beautiful message is so true. People are not only important in a collective sense. Every single individual person is important and matters to the world and others. No one is “just a person”. Every person deserves to be acknowledged and loved and never forgotten or regarded as unimportant.

This is not merely about a material Christmas gift.

I believe we should all go out of our way to help someone who is in need even if we don’t know that person. If you think of yourself and your own family and friends, you see that you have a story and you have a life and needs & desires and so do all your family and friends. And so do strangers. People you never met or do not know well are no different in the sense that they too have emotions and feelings and needs and desires and they all deserve equal consideration and attention.

So let’s always remember that, not just during the holiday season but all year long. ❤


If you want to check out the list and the Positively Present blog, please go here:




Sorry the link is not clickable; I’m not sure how to do that yet. But it is a beautiful blog full of inspiration & uplifting content! ❤


“Always go the extra mile. It’s never crowded.” ~Unknown


“I wondered why someone didn’t do something. Then I realized, I am someone.”


I hope you all have a beautiful day/night!! It’s at night here in Philadelphia, Pa where I am!


X0x0ox Kim <33 🙂 😀


Personal Development & Blog Thanks <3

I have always loved having my own blogs, free websites, profiles and all since I was a young teenager and was first introduced to the internet.

I used to use America Online /AOL free homepages and profiles to write all about myself and promote what I loved, usually tv shows, friends, and silly teenage stuff I was really, really into back then.

I created as many as I could about any topic under the sun.

But I usually never stayed with one blog or website too long.

Since I had no credit card and no money and the hosts were free much of my exercise over them was very limited.

Then a few years ago I became extremely interested in the topic of Personal Development.

I have always been one to think positive more than negative when I wasn’t depressed and I have always liked the idea of self help topics.

But some years ago I came across a facebook page (Personal Development and Inspiration) promoting the blog by Justin Tillman previously at JustinTillman.com now http://www.theuncommonlife.net/

And it touched and inspired me so deeply.

I became more aware of the impact personal development and self help books, blogs, topics, websites, other people’s life stories…can have on us if we only let them.

I read Justin Tillman’s blog and facebook statuses and everything I could, written by him, and it opened me up to the world of true positive thinking as a way of life and an intentional developed habit and working on the self to create the life of your dreams. His life inspired my life. His self acceptance deeply touched me and motivated me to accept parts of myself I was so unwilling to accept. Even if you’re already a mostly positive and happy person, whether or not you struggle with a mental health condition, personal development as a subject can really help you.

Many people reject it and think it’s silly or common sense or only for people with very serious problems, or only for the weak.

None of this is true.

Anyone can benefit in different ways and to different degrees and I find it quite inspirational and uplifting to read or hear positive things even if it’s something I already know or heard before. Friendly reminders every now and then are great.

I believe maintaining healthy self esteem and maintaining inspiration and motivation and an extra positive attitude is somewhat similar to learning a new language.

You have to keep up on it to make it useful to you a long while later. When you take a language course, it’s not realistic to learn the language and never use it or practice or keep up on it and expect to remember it flawlessly years or maybe even months or weeks later. You’ll soon forget.

And so it is with personal development practices.

You have to consciously and intentionally work at it if you genuinely want it to always stay with you and be a part of your life.

“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing – that’s why we recommend it daily.” – Zig Ziglar

Personal development techniques have to be learned, practiced, and strictly and seriously applied though before they can be completely effective for the long term.

You really can’t just skim through a book, take it lightly and just forget it and then claim it’s stupid or don’t work. Well, you can but that’s not a good idea. You have to use it to the best of your ability for it to help transform you.

Self help books and blogs, just like psychotherapy sessions and therapists won’t change your life just by themselves, YOU have to work along with them and the choice is ultimately up to you, no one else.

No one can change your life except for you but people and things can help greatly along the way. They can be crucial to your healing.

I read self help books and have been in psychotherapy sessions for a while and noticed that they did help me a lot but it’s not until one moment of despair when I decided I could take no more, contemplating ending my life, that I turned the other way and really decided to take charge of my own life, my own mind, my own self that those books and therapy really changed me for the better.

I gathered up every personal development book I had and bought more and I searched the internet for any blogs, websites, people, e-books, anything that could help me help myself and I have become more receptive and practiced and applied more and practiced more mindfulness meditation and practiced every technique I have ever learned that I felt would work for me and it helped me incredibly and still does til this day.

For once I felt compassion for myself that I felt for others and I knew that it’s up to me to be sure I don’t lose my life to the pain and despair of depression and physical pain.

I was bursting with joy and amazement for everything I knew and learned and with this newfound light and awakening inside and I wanted not only to help myself but to share all this with as many people I possibly could whether they have severe mental health issues, minor stress problems, or just want to make some things in their lives and the lives of others, better.

I posted stuff on facebook in hopes to help people learn what I have learned and experienced. But what I really wanted was a specific blog dedicated to mostly positive, inspirational, personal development stuff.

I tried weebly, yola, blogger, and many others that just are not compatible with my mobile phone which is what I’m always using. I don’t usually have computer access.

I would get discouraged and give up.

And one day a facebook friend of mine suggested I write an ebook or create a facebook like page or a blog for this.

That gave me motivation to try again and I somehow came across a wordpress blackberry app.

I installed it and it doesn’t work on my phone but it led me to realize that while it can be difficult and frustrating at some points, internet wordpress works on my phone without the app, to a certain point.

I can’t do everything I can on a computer and it’s kind of slow when I’m posting but still works and is very worth the trouble it sometimes causes.

I want to and plan to start posting here more.

The thing that usually stops me is the slowness and partial incompatibility with my phone and wordpress. But this blog is actually one of my biggest dreams! Lol it may sound stupid to some.

But I have always for sooo long wanted an online blog to make a collection of all my personal development ideas I have come up with and learned and read, my own and other people’s. And here it is!

Like I said before, it’s not the prettiest or well advanced but it’s everything I dreamed of.


I have known people who gave up on therapy and personal development books and materials saying they weren’t working.

Therapists, doctors, medication, books, life coaches cannot cure you and will not cure you alone. You are the main one that has to get yourself better.

They are not in your head or your body and they don’t know you like you know yourself and they never will. They can know you well but only you can solve your problems completely and in depth.

Only you have control over yourself. And only you should.

I promote personal development books, blogs, websites, and psychotherapy but I know we are the main ones responsible for ourselves and have to work along with those things.

My depressive disorder while extremely devastating and agonizing has turned out to be the catalyst for my positive transformation.

I was a happy and positive little girl before my depression hit at a very young age; I was still happy and positive after as it would always lift now & again but did become frequent. Very easy tempered and joyful and grateful and I loved me for me. But after a few years of depression, even when my depression would lift for a while, it just always came back. I still had days, months, weeks…and moments of happiness but depression and depressive-like ways would take over again but then after many years of worsening this depression motivated me to more than ever want and attempt to make a change for the better.

I believe if I never developed depression I would have grown into a healthy, happy, more positive than negative adult for the most part but still not as well off and happy and positive and grateful as I am now because I would have very likely not worked to even better myself.

When people are already happy and healthy they often don’t think they can get any better but sometimes they can!

Even though I still struggle with severe depressive episodes, it’s not as frequent as before and in the middle, my happiness is genuine & deep like it was before but more frequent now.

I have learned so much and while I would never go out looking for pain and depression, I have made the choice to view my depression as a gift, as a blessing because it motivated me to make a change.

It’s just like when a person is diagnosed with a long term physical illness and works so hard on health and becomes healthier than even that person was before the illness hit and healthier than even people who aren’t sick!

It’s extremely difficult because depression takes away everything. It takes away pleasure, inspiration, motivation, desires, abilities to function in different ways, it takes away our sense of self and even the will to live. And it just kept coming back.

Often physical illness and pain motivates people to want to survive, to want to do all they can to get better and live; it pushes people to give all they have. But depression is quite the opposite. It often makes people just want to give up, give in, quit, come to an end. There is often no will to survive with severe depression. There is no desire.

But it’s possible to push through and come out on the other side into the bright light.

This life is different now after I learned how to help myself. It’s sunnier and brighter and better more frequently than when I was young.

I can’t say with certainty that my depression will ever completely go away for good. I may always have recurrent episodes.

But they are not as frequent and usually not as long as they used to be and now I have no depression in the middle of them like I used to a lot and I can handle episodes better because of my strengthened positive/gratitude thinking habit.

And I can now often detect an impending episode and divert my thinking and prevent it before it turns to a full blown episode that I can’t pull myself out of.

Sometimes it would seem like my depressive episodes would hit for no reason at all. They would just come out of nowhere. And sometimes it seemed as if my own negative thinking would bring them on. I never had a real bad habit in general of negative thinking but just like people in general, I would on occasion get caught in a trap of negative thoughts about myself and certain situations. And when this would happen, it sometimes would bring on an episode.

So now I’m extra, extra careful to consciously watch my thoughts.

When I started to get truly happy in the middle of episodes I kept believing I would never again have another episode but I always did. I would suffer heartbreak after heartbreak because I truly belied I was “normal” like a person blessed to not have episode after episode every couple of months but then another shattering episode would hit hard. I wouldn’t accept this. I wanted all or nothing.

I wanted my depressive disorder to be a thing of the past, to be a memory, not my current reality, not my current truth.

Severe long term depression runs in my blood. It runs in my family.

But I have come to accept and tolerate that maybe my depression will always be part of this life. I won’t always be depressed at every second or everyday or every week but it will always come back maybe but it will always end. And it’s worth holding on and living through the depression. I always had it and also been happy but now even more frequent happiness!

Acceptance has liberated me and I have better coping mechanisms to handle the episodes than I used to.

During one of my hospitalizations for depression, a psychiatric technician told us to find and embrace our inner sun and let it shine through.

I love that. ❤

I may write of my experience with depression in this blog somewhat often but it will never be to dwell on or curse it. Only to bring hope to what so frequently feels like a hopeless situation for so many. To bring light to the darkness. I write of it to show how it is possible to recover for the most part and muster up strength and courage and to bring what I have learned into writing and help others who may benefit.

But my posts here will not always be about my depression. 😉

I hope anyone struggling in anyway will find hope, strength, consolation, and the inspiration and motivation to keep going even with the pain.

It’s worth it. ❤ 🙂

Xo Kim

“I used to sit under a gloomy cloud of gray

And now the sun is shining and it won’t go away ” ~Jill Sobule