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“Bravery can never be measured by a lack of fear. It takes guts to tremble. It takes so much tremble to love.”
Much love, Kim xoxo ❤️💕💜
Tag Archive | courage
So THIS is happening💚
(Living kidney donor screening questionnaire)
You’ll never see exactly where the road will lead you, and when it comes to love, you gamble when you need to..
You’ll maybe break your heart on one unlucky throw… but then again, You’ll Never know…❤
You’ll Never Know – Ringo Starr
It’s happening.
I have been holding onto this big dream for many, many years. Since I was a young woman, I had this one big thing I knew I would grow up to do. But it is a dream that felt “too big.” Too scary. Too complicated. Out of my league. So I would put it off and say “some day.” It will happen. Some day. One day. Way into the future.
I had various excuses. I should be older first. I should graduate college first. I should have a place of my own first. I should have a “real job” first, Im probably not qualified because I have depression…..so many “shoulds.”
A year and a half ago, just out of the blue, this dream began to nag me day & night. I kept telling it to go away that I would get around to it. Some day. But it would not let up. It was on my mind day and night. It was in my dreams while I slept! It was the first thing on my mind when I woke up in the morning! It was the last thing falling asleep. It made no sense; it came out of nowhere like this. I thought about it for years off and on but then it just came to stay. And nag me every second.
So I gave in and said ok. I did research all day and night and prepared myself as best as I could to make the call. To answer the call.
I changed my diet and became a health nut. I stopped drinking soda and lots more water. I started walking even more than usual. I began consuming lots more fruits and vegetables. I talked to various people who already did what I will do, and others involved, about my plan and what it will be like. They were all positive and encouraging.
But still, I kept telling myself circumstances can be better. I have to wait. Wait for what? Who knows…but I have to wait. But it nagged me. The dream, it would not give up calling to me.
Finally I gave in. And one day, some day became today.
I answered the call and made the call.
I contacted the Kidney Transplant center and offered one of my kidneys to the next person on the wait list. Whoever it is, I do not know or care. All I know is, this is a person who has to live and wants to live. And that is enough for me.
So today. This is happening.
I am now beginning the process of donating one of my kidneys…..to a random stranger at a transplant center here in Philadelphia. Someone I have never met and probably will never meet because I am choosing the completely anonymous way.
What in the WHAT?!?!
Me? Just an average girl who lives at home with mom, sister, and dad. An average girl with an average job. No special talents or skills. I’m not adventurous and never travel anywhere, dont go on vacations, dont have lots of friends, always had average grades in school, I was never a fitness freak or health nut, havent run marathons, or won any awards, I go to work each day and then straight home, the simplest, most average life imaginable….so what business do I have taking a plunge like this, having my gut sliced open and a kidney cut off my bladder, possibly dying on the operating table(ok so that’s a bit dramatic and is rare), for a random person I do not know and probably never will?
Well, I have two healthy kidneys and a big ‘ole heart and just a little bit of courage….and that is just about all I need to embark on this incredible journey of love.
I am about to undergo a battery of extensive, extremely thourough medical & psychiatric testing. My entire body, inside and out, head to toe, will be examined and I will spend grueling hours with multiple mental health professionals for psychiatric testing to make sure I’m not batshit cray for volunteering to give my kidney to a total stranger. (I promise I’m not! I’m just a universal lover who strongly believes everyone is just as important as my own family/friends) and they want to make sure I’m emotionally strong enough to endure the entire process and that I am not being coerced into it. It’s not all pretty and not for the faint of heart. I will have to meet with a nutritionist or dietician and financial counselors (because I will be out of work for months recovering and have to show them that I will still be good financially.)
I have a history of major depressive disorder(im much much better and not depressed now at all & no longer treated), a kidney stone in 2007 that led to emergency surgery(I remember thinking “well damn I guess im not going to be allowed to donate a kidney one day now” and that is one of the first things I said to my mom upon waking).
These are known as relative disqualifiers, which means I can be rejected for them but will not necessarily be. The team has to know more about them. There are absolute disqualifiers that will render someone ineligible at every transplant center. These include HIV(I am a regular blood donor and do not have this), diabetes(hopefully don’t have this but don’t know – it’s the #1 thing leading to kidney disease), serious high blood pressure problems(dont have this), hep (no), cancer(hopefully not!)…
Currently, I’m in the screening process to see if I even stand a chance at all; some people are rejected right off before testing even begins. They are going to review my application at the center and if they believe it’s all good, they will contact me back and tell me to come on in for the official process to begin!
If they just toss it out, at least I tried! I reached out in love and that will have to be enough. But if they say no, I will move on to a different transplant center until one gives me a chance. It is extremely difficult to be accepted as a living donor. Most people are not healthy enough. And many are considered to be just not cut out for it emotionally. It’s no joke! It’s a very serious, serious matter that just is not for everyone.
The average person would be rejected because of physical health issues and then financial issues. We do not pay for the transplant or donor surgery but we do pay for any medical complications we may experience; there are traveling/hotel expenses, and we’re out of work for months and will not be getting paid. I live right here so no traveling expenses for me. If one transplant center rejects us for a relative disqualifier, another may accept us.
This one is a good choice because I read about some of the doctors and they are very warm and caring. There is an altruistic kidney donor here in Philadelphia who gave her kidney to a man also in Philadelphia and this is the center they had their transplant. The story is beautiful. He cried to be loved so much by a complete stranger. And she joked and said he’s crying because he has a woman’s kidney. They did theirs a different way. She chose him and happened to be a match and healthy enough. She chose to remain anonymous at first then revealed herself. Theirs is called altruistic directed. She heard his story about his need for a kidney and got tested for him specifically. I am doing non-directed where there is no specific person in mind. It will go to the sickest who I am a match for. This is always anonymous and I prefer this.
I hope this can inspire anyone else with a dream or goal to go on and take that very first step if it’s something that truly resonates with you. We all have fear in us and love in us. If something resonates with us and calls to us, and we say no or ignore it because we are afraid it wont work out, afraid of getting hurt, afraid it will not go as planned….afraid of anything, we are acting on the fear instead of the love. Is that any way to live? If something just is not worth it to us and we are afraid, that is one thing and is ok to say no to it. But if something is our passion and our calling and we say no out of fear, that sucks! Fear is not worthy of being the one that gets our attention. Love is.
So go ahead, reach out, take the plunge, whatever is calling to you, nagging you, resonating with you, go for it! Even if we are currently unsure about something, it certainly won’t hurt to find out more about it. And if all falls to pieces, at least we can be proud to say we tried and our action was aligned with our truth, life philosophy, passion. At least we can say we acted on love and kicked that fear to the curb.
People have asked me “What if you die?” And my response is, I would prefer to die a young woman on an operating table living my dream than die a healthy old woman, safe in my bed, never even trying because I listened to the fear in me and ignored the Love. What if I die? Then at least I will die living & loving. How does that old cliche go? Something like, what matters is not how long we live but how well we live, not the number of years in our life but the life in our years.
Isn’t that what life is all about? Taking chances, big or small, reaching out, being all that we can be, doing the best we can, then letting go and whatever will be will be. It’s not about cowering in a corner, shaking, living safely in a bubble, not doing what we dream of, just to die in the end anyway. Shake. Be terrified. Let your hands tremble and sweat and your mouth dry up in fear. Let your voice quiver and your legs turn to jelly. Push through that overwhelming “I can’t do this” and “I’m not cut out for it” feeling and try. Maybe we really can’t do this. We all have something that for whatever reason, we can’t do. Maybe we truly aren’t cut out for it. Maybe we don’t have the skills or the heath or the ability. And that is ok! But what isn’t good is not even trying because of fear.
Take that first step anyway and keep, keep going for as long as you can. Conquer that terror. Show it who is really the boss here. Welcome it, let it take up residence here in your world, embrace it as a companion but don’t let it win! Let the love ultimately win.
“Death is inevitable. Living a life we can be proud of is something we can control.” ~ Claire Wineland
(Claire was a beautiful, bold, brave young woman who died of an unexpected complication during recovery following a successful lung transplant)
Does this dream of mine scare me? Oh yes! I am pissing my pants! There are so many ways to fail at this, so many chances for me to be rejected, so many things that can go wrong with my body during surgery and even during some of the medical tests and even years later even if all goes well. The remaining kidney can stop working after the other is removed and it may not happen til years later but that is rare. I hear there is ironically a mandatory test to check my kidneys to make sure they are healthy but this very test can make them fail?! The transplant team can decide that I am a total basket case during the evaluations. They can find cancer during all the scans I have to get. And the list goes on of all the things I have to fear.
But the love in me is what is winning. The love is what I will focus on all throughout this journey wherever it will lead me to and no matter how short or long lived it is. Fear will take the back burner where it belongs. And love will lead the way.
So yeah, this 💩 is finally happening!
Wish us luck!
Much love, light, & courage to you; be brave, be bold, be strong; keep going; whatever it is you got this!❤
Xoxo Kim
More good news!!!❤
(Photo not mine)
Hero – Mariah Carey
Look inside you and be strong
And you’ll finally see the truth
That a hero lies in you❤
Yes, I love being the bearer of happy news!! 😁
A lady who I know, named Susan, told me last week about a rowing competition she was going to be in over the weekend. She’s very good at it and it’s one of her passions. She asked me to say a little prayer for her. I don’t pray but I did try to send some positive energy her way. Not that I believe that would help her win but it can’t hurt! And, like prayer, it can help let people know we wish them well.
I hoped she would win just as much as if I was in the competition myself and wanted to win! And I just found out today that she won FIRST PLACE!! I’m so, so happy!
She showed me her medal and it’s beautiful! Some parts of it are pink! 💗
When I was thinking about preparing this blog post just to share my good news, I thought it would be sweet to share an inspirational quote along with it and this one popped into my head.
The only disability in life is a bad attitude.
Susan has a dog who is physically disabled, permanently. He developed spinal stenosis a couple years ago and his vet suggested Susan and her mom (who she lives with) have him euthanized but they knew that wasn’t the answer. They love him like their kid/grandkid and saw potential in him. (He is not suffering in any way or in pain; he just cannot walk on his own or stand up)
So as part of my job, I visit them and help a physical therapist help Bandit walk again. He needs a cart/doggy wheelchair but he can move his legs again and even run sometimes! He just cannot hold himself up without his cart on wheels.
He is a very happy and spoiled and healthy ten year old boy! He loves treats, kisses, and toys! And bubbles! He can now move his legs more and pull himself up but not stand. Also, he recently began to “run” in his sleep! His little legs move back and forth. So cute! Actually, he’s a big mountain dog so his legs aren’t little!
Bandit gives me bunches of wet, sloppy kisses while we’re putting him in his wheelchair! Sometimes, he kisses me so much, it’s hard to get the job done!😍😁 Mary & Susan say I’m his favorite girl!
After thinking of this quote and thinking it’s a great quote for this post since Bandit has a disability, I remembered Susan also has a physical disability. She was born permanently paralyzed at the waist down. She is also very happy and healthy. I never thought of her own disability while planning this post and even after thinking about this quote. When I think of Susan, I think only of her positive disposition, her kindness for others, and her bright smile, and love for her dog.
Susan and her mom are both very loving, positive people. They’re universal lovers, like me. They welcome anyone into their house for holidays or events so no one has to be alone(If I lived alone, I would do this too!).
Susan’s mom, Mary, is 86 years old and very healthy! She has arthritis and osteoporosis but she gets around very well and her doctor told her she’ll live to be over 100 years old with the great health she’s in!
Susan, Mary, and Bandit all have physical limitations but they don’t let that stop them ever. Very inspiring!
We may have a physical disability, learning disability, or psychological disability like depression or anxiety but the true disability is a bad attitude.
A bad attitude will disable us much more than a medical disability ever can. There are people with no arms and legs, deaf/blind people, ones with chronic illness and pain, people with depression/anxiety, very old people, those who are grieving…who have achieved remarkable things while in their state. There are dogs and cats with only three legs or less and ones with legs that don’t work and are still happy.
Susan, & Bandit, & Mary are examples.
A medical disability doesn’t disable us. Disabled people are very able! It’s our attitude that holds us back when it’s not good.
And we have control over our attitude. Even if we can’t change it this very moment, we can work on it in small ways to make it better and better if it’s currently negative. Make gratitude lists, meditate, positive affirmations, looking at the bright side, focus on the beauty all around….all ways to be more positive. Even mental health issues and attitude can be separated. We can have depression or anxiety but still have a positive attitude about it.
So let’s remember to turn that frown upside down and be positive! We aren’t disabled unless we choose to be.
The main point of my post was originally to share Susan’s good news but there’s so much inspiration in her story so I’m also sharing the life lessons!
I hope you are having a beautiful day or night wherever in the world you are! ❤❤❤
Xoxo Kim
Courage ❤
“Courage is not the absence of fear but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear. The brave may not live forever but the cautious do not live at all. From now on you’ll be traveling the road between who you think you are and who you can be. The key is to allow yourself to make the journey.”
I was watching the Princess Diaries movie and found this gem!
If there is something that truly resonates with us and we avoid it out of fear then we are placing more importance upon the fear than whatever it is that is calling to us.
If there is something you have been longing to do but fear is holding you back and you need a little push, here it is! 😁❤
Much love & light,
Xoxo Kim
Valerie❤
(Valerie 💛)
So cool, she was like
Jazz on a summer’s day
Music, high and sweet
Then she just blew away
Now she can’t be that warm
With the wind in her arms
Valerie, call on me
Call on me, Valerie
Recently, one of my social media friends, Valerie, died by suicide. Isn’t this so absolutely terrible?!?! She was born in August 1965 & died in August 2018. I did not know her in person or talk to her much on social media or know her well but can see she was a sweet person with a pure heart. The news about her death is like being stabbed in the gut, especially because it seems so senseless like it did not have to happen. Valerie was like me, very open & accepting and added/accepted everyone as social media friends. Her life philosophy, loving & including everyone, resonates with me deeply. I can even call her one of my soul sisters as our energy/vibration has been on the same wavelength.
Valerie loved coffee, music, people, and animals.
I always wished I had her name because I love the song by Steve Winwood! Recently, before she died, I was in Rite Aid and got a bottle of soda and chose the one with her name and thought of her.
She posted a lot of sweet, beautiful, and inspiring messages and also a bunch of (very liberal) political rants. I do not agree with all that she shared or the way she shared some of it (sometimes sarcastic) but a lot of her posts resonate with me. The reason I am sharing here that I did not always agree with her is as a reminder that we can disagree with someone but still love that person and still be friends. This was also her philosophy of life so I want to share it to honor her.
(She shared this)
Love songs fill the night
But they don’t tell it all
Not how lovers cry out
Just like they’re dying
Her cries hang there, in time,
Somewhere, someday,
Some good wind
May blow her back to me
Some night I may hear
Her like she used to be
No it can’t be that warm
With the wind in her arms
Valerie, call on me
Call on me, Valerie
Here are just a few posts on Valerie’s facebook account, most of it shared by her and a couple she is tagged in by others and liked:
(This makes me laugh hysterically 😂🤣)
(That’s Valerie’s writing under the pic)
(I wish Valerie would have remembered this when she made that ultimate choice out of fear & pain 💔)
(I dont care if people dont repost this. I dont repost these things that demand us to to repost or try to make us seem cold and non-caring. Im only posting this here to show Valerie’s kind heart.)
This is a small thing I am doing to keep Valerie’s lovelight going after her death.
She was a strong person but also tender and sensitive in a way. She wanted to be loved, noticed, called beautiful…
She was open about her depression and struggle and some of these posts show what it was like for her. She was clearly a strong person who kept winning these battles in her war of depression but one moment she chose to give into that despair and now her war is over but so is everything else about her. All of her interests, memories, activities each day, her voice, her smile, any new acts of kindness she would have performed, any chance of healing, all of her ways and everything that made her her…..all gone forever.
I know it felt like it then but it wasn’t worth it to end it all just to end that horrible pain. The world needs MORE like Valerie and now she just made it so there’s one less.
So I’m doing my part to continue her light & lavish her love onto others.
Sweet Valerie.
We can see by all these messages she believed in that she was very wise but she still made the choice to take her own life. This is because all it takes is a split second to forget all that wisdom and beauty and give into the darkness. But deep within, she still held that wisdom. We all do. Please let’s remember to hold onto what we know even when it feels impossible to hold on. I have no question of “why” like many people do. I know why. I completely understand why a person would take her own life. It makes complete sense to me but it’s not a good thing to do. She killed everything she was all just to end her pain.
Like I said, Valerie and me weren’t close. I hardly knew her. I hope all the love/healing thoughts will be for her close family & friends first. My love goes out to them and also to everyone else affected by this tragic loss, including her social media friends. What heartbreak.
She struggled hard but all she wanted was others to be happy and to take away their pain. 💔❤
I’m so thankful for the opportunity to share her love here. I hope it will inspire others like she wanted. Valerie was a beautiful soul inside & out.
If I could have taken away her pain, even if I had to bear it myself, I would have.❤💗
To anyone struggling like Valerie was or anyone grieving, I love you!! Please keep going. ❤ ~Hugs~
Much love,
Xoxo Kim
Today
(A pretty picture I took today – April 14th, 2018 but when I publish it, it will probably say April 15th because it’s nearly 10:00pm now)
“By effort and heedfulness, discipline, and self-mastery, let the wise one make for oneself an island which no flood can overwhelm.”
Today, I got onto an elevator for work. I could have taken the stairs but chose the elevator. I was on the 4th floor of the apartment building. Going back down, I felt that the doors were taking longer than they’re supposed to to open and guess what?! I felt not one ounce of fear!! Not one little flash of fear, anxiety, panic, nothing!! And did not even feel a sense of panic coming on or anticipate it like I often do. This is incredible progress! This has to be my greatest accomplishment in this life, ever!
In case anyone reading this is confused or it seems like no big deal, here is some background info. about my experience with phobic fear:
Welcome to rock bottom-the only way now is up
It’s a big, big thing! I suffered another terrible relapse recently and now I healed it again and can get on elevators myself with no fear! I have been working hard to heal this phobia. It doesn’t always take long to heal a relapse. Phobias are weak, even though they feel extremely powerful, and they lose their power very easily when properly faced again & again.
“Unlike many other mental health problems, phobias can be brought under manageable control or even totally destroyed, sometimes within hours. This is a far cry from some of the medium- to long-term work which is required for other mental health issues. So the good news is that phobias are relatively easy to deal with, providing you have the correct knowledge, support and treatment plan, along with a determined and proactive attitude. In life there are many REAL problems, which we all have to contend with, so my view is that we should conserve our energy to tackle those by ridding ourselves of the UNREAL threats, which are the hallmarks of a phobia.” ~Patricia Furness-Smith
The way I am recovering mostly, is exposure in combination with Buddhist philosophy (that can apply to anyone at all, not just Buddhist people – see Dhamma quote above). Even without the meditation part (which is also great!), I find Buddhist philosophy so very helpful in healing my fear (and in general!).
The reason that this is such a big accomplishment is not the amount of work it takes or the duration of treatment but the amount of courage & strength it takes to face it. It is hard!!
I am working on not just recovering but building my mindset in a way to see elevators as a safe place, a place of comfort, a space where I experience a feeling of being embraced in warmth & safety, security (i know security is an illusion but dont mind feeling secure in a place I once felt seemingly unbearable terror and panic). I don’t just want to tolerate them and don’t want them to just be a mundane thing or task I have to perform. I aspire to come to seeing them as an opportunity for a few moments of simple joy or pleasure.
I may not be recovered just yet or my recovery may be shaky and at risk for relapse again. It’s new and not quite ingrained yet. But it will be and then evolve into something more. I feel that Im already inclined to view elevators as a warm, cozy, safe place. Why not? They are safe for the most part. In there, alone, I am protected against the dangers of the world. I can feel that to some degree but not in great depth yet. Im working on it!
This is my goal!
I hope you are having a beautiful day or night wherever in the world you are!
Much love & light, always,
Xoxo Kim
Phobia.
“When life is too much, roll with it, baby
Don’t stop and lose your touch, oh no, baby
Hard times knocking on your door
I’ll tell them you ain’t there no more
Get on through it, roll with it, baby
Luck’ll come and then slip away
You’ve gotta move, bring it back to stay
You just roll with it, baby
Come on and just roll with it, baby
You and me, roll with it, baby”
Recently, I chose to do something incredibly brave, to aid in my recovery. Every part of my body was telling me to run. There were all kinds of physical sensations all over my body, unpleasant ones, including light-headedness, fear, dry mouth, trembling sensations in my hands & legs, heart pounding…but some intuition deep inside was telling me to stay. The physical urge to run was much more easy to listen to and I was tempted. But I made up my mind. The intuition deep within is the wise voice, softer, gentler, just a whisper to “stay” next to that loud screaming “RUN” but definitely wiser. And I wont let the voice of fear drown the voice of wisdom.
So I chose to STAY.
I was standing before an elevator, alone, on the 2nd floor of a building. Right next to the elevator is a door to the stairs. I could have easily walked through the doorway to the stairs and walked down in less than a minute, which is what my intense fear was urging me to do.
But I chose to listen to that quiet but strong intuition telling me to empower myself, not my fear. For me to continuously avoid my fear (of small, closed in places, especially alone in elevators), at all costs, is to feed that fear. To give it power.
For me to face my fear, no matter how immense, no matter how suffocating, traumatic, terrible it is, is to loosen its grip on me, release me of its bondage and empower myself.
This is a fear so incredibly powerful, it knocks the wind out of me and weakens my body. I become lightheaded & disoriented and feel as if I may actually die. I have to face it & embrace it to conquer it. A cruel, twisted kind of irony to have to subject myself to the very thing that scares me most, but it is what it is.
I would have taken the stairs in this building anyway as it was only the 2nd floor but I saw this as an opportunity to evolve and I took it.
So I bravely stepped into that elevator and pushed the “1” button with my near trembling finger and watched in dismay as the doors closed on me, completely expunging my sense of control and actual control. The second the doors close, I am no longer in a position to choose. I cannot choose to run, to change my mind and take the stairs as I cant open an elevator on my own.
As the doors close, I instantly wonder if I have made a bad mistake. Maybe I should have run, taking the safe route, the easy way, the stairs. Sometimes, in buildings, we don’t have access to the stairs and I have no choice. But on this occasion, I had a choice and chose to lock myself in a big, mechanical box, alone.
But instead of completely breaking down, I stood strong and focused on my breath, each inhalation & exhalation and I became one with that breath. I felt the fear every few seconds, trying to get the best of me, that impending sense of panic threatening to overtake me, and acknowledged that fear then let it go. I felt it dissipate with each in breath & out breath. And before I knew it, there were the elevator doors wide open, inviting me to walk out into the rest of my day. Simple as that.
See, it’s really not so bad, is it?
But what if….
What if…the doors wouldn’t have opened?
What if…i would have been stuck in there all by myself?!
What if…the elevator malfunctioned and no one knew until way later or ever???
What if…one occasion it just doesn’t open and im stuck in there alone forever?!?!?!
What if….those incessant what ifs…relentless & plaguing…
After the doors close and sometimes even when Im not on an elevator but recently got out of one or will soon have to get inside one or sometimes just thinking about it, these are the thoughts that ensue. These what if’s…
But “what if…” doesn’t matter. What IS, is what does matter. And whatever is just is and that is that. I will breathe and focus and roll with it and endure until it’s over. And it will be over eventually, whatever “it” is.
After stepping off of the elevator, I planned to go right to another elevator and step inside, just to face my fear again.
And while it’s very helpful and wise and necessary to face our phobic fear again and again and again, there is such a thing as “too much, too soon” and “overdoing.” I know the value of breaks and rest and moderation and balance. Preserving energy and choosing wisely is a good thing. Generally, we have to keep facing this fear and not running. But a break when needed is also necessary. I felt that running directly to another elevator would have been more draining and detrimental than good. This may not always be the case but this moment, it was. Deep inside, I knew a rest is what I needed then, not more trauma.
Remember to keep going but also remember to rest when needed. Running, falling, once in a while is ok. Just keep getting back up!
Im not recovered. Not even halfway to recovery. And I may still have relapses and probably will before & even after full recovery. Who knows? But I discovered a place in me with a strong foundation that isn’t easy to be demolished and can be rebuilt even if it is.
Im not sorry to have encountered this struggle. I dont wish it never happened to me and dont necessarily wish it would just go away. Of course, I want this fear to heal and thats why im doing all this work. But i dont mind it. It’s a gift to have this opportunity to get better and have deeper empathy for others in similar situations. I see so much beauty in it.
Just last month, I think, my fear was so frequent, so intense, so debilitating, I became depressed and suicidal. I could hardly hold a toothbrush. I wanted to die just knowing that it’s possible to be trapped in an elevator alone. Just knowing it’s possible. Not even because it may happen. Just because it’s possible. My depression became an entity of its own and was not even just about the fear anymore.
Now here I am. Strong and still standing.
I want to share it because i believe we all have that strength to endure any battle and be even better for it. We all have the strength to see beauty in any struggle and to reach out to others in any way we can, to inspire and uplift, or just listen and understand.
The way to recover is to seize opportunities to practice no matter how difficult it is. It is very, very difficult but worth the struggle, the trauma, the pain, the terror.
Im not posting this to brag. Lol Im posting this because one night I was laying in my bed desperately longing to meet someone. A strong woman with some sort of severe phobia, preferably one similar to my own but any would do. I pined for a woman who faces her worst fear and lives to tell about it. A woman who conquered or conquers that fear. One who chose to rise above and lift others along the way.
I laid in my bed and fantasized and hoped so much to meet this strong, confident woman, either in person, in a book, or online and dreamed of being cloaked in her strength, enveloped in her compassion, lifted by her motivation, and empowered by her story. Inspired by her light.
I wanted to find blogs, books, stories… that chronicle her experiences.
I wanted to find this woman somewhere, anywhere, but couldn’t find her.
Then it hit me….
I can be this woman.
I am this woman.
I’m her.
So here I am, sharing my great fear and hoping to inspire, lift, help empower, and console someone who is struggling.
If you are someone who is struggling with a phobia/anxiety of any sort, maybe a social phobia/anxiety, or fear involving being on an airplane when you have to get on one(I have to get on elevators for work and feel your pain!), insects, or maybe a less common fear like fear of swallowing or fear of dolls, maybe a fear of dogs or noises… or any difficult situation, I embrace you in my love & am cheering you on. We all have different triggers but it’s that terrible, breathtaking panic & fear, outright terror, that we can all relate to.
Keep going. You got this!
Xoxo Kim❤
Welcome to rock bottom -the only way now is UP
“Face to face, out in the heat
Hanging tough, staying hungry
They stack the odds still we take to the street
For the kill with the skill to survive”🐯
Here is a post I wrote a couple days ago and just edited it a bit.
“Welcome to Rock Bottom
One day, after another routinely dreadful morning, I sat in my car looking at our office and thinking, ‘I DO NOT want to go in there. I hate my job. I can’t stand Frank. I don’t make enough money. I am so underutilized! Should I leave the company? Would I even be missed? What’s the point of all this anyway? Is this really my life? This can’t be my life.’ And there it was. I had finally reached it—I was at rock bottom. As I mentioned, I believe rock bottom is the moment when you finally find the power and the strength you’ve always been lacking to change your today and go on to create a better tomorrow. I knew I couldn’t get any lower, and at that moment, I realized that all of the training, coaching, reading, and inspiring I’d engaged in just a few years earlier had not disappeared completely. I started to sense something deep within. There was still a tiny spark of hope that things could get better. That internal spark was like a smothered flame that just needed a little air, and as soon as I realized the spark was there, it was as if someone poured kerosene on it. I started to think: ‘If my circumstances won’t change, maybe I can change the way I look at my circumstances, and maybe as a result, they actually WILL change.'”
These are wise words by Kevin Clayson, author of Flip the Gratitude Switch. I have experienced “rock bottom” before, just like he mentions here, where it’s like I just can’t get any lower, so desperate, plummeting to the lowest depths of my despair, until I can’t possibly sink any lower. Pulled deeper and deeper and deeper into some dark, seemingly endless abyss when finally I realize there is an end. And I have reached it.
What do we do when our world is crumbling on top of us, when everything shatters, when it’s hard to stand, so difficult just to live & breathe, and we are pulled so low we can’t go any lower?
We rise.
Usually when I have experienced this “rock bottom,” it’s with depression and sometimes when my chronic physical pain disorder is flaring up to what seems like unbearable levels and my body is wracked in physical agony beyond belief. The only way I can get lower when I’m like this, is to be put in the ground. I haven’t experienced these things in a long while. My physical pain disorder has been doing so well. I have been experiencing mild to no pain each & every day. Thanking my lucky stars! And I can’t even remember when I was last depressed! I’m so happy!
But it’s true, this morning I realized I have hit “rock bottom.” A different kind of rock bottom. Not depression of any kind or physical pain. But still I have found my self in a very low place in this life. Two months ago, I think it was, October, I wasn’t depressed or in physical pain but was in Hell everyday for a couple weeks. It ended for a while and now is back!🙊😱
This Hell I speak of is fear. Terror. Not just a bit of anxiety. Fullblown fear. It’s not fear in general but about a specific thing. As I mentioned here, in a post titled Serendipitous Strength, I used to be deathly afraid of being closed in small places that I can’t just get out of the second I want to, especially elevators and especially when I’m alone. I have been this way for as long as I can remember. Why is a mystery. As a child, I had breakdowns going on elevators even with my mom & dad.
I healed myself. It is an incredible accomplishment and awe-inspiring. The fact that I had a relapse doesn’t matter. It doesnt change how incredible it is. I healed this fear once and can and will heal it again.
I never worked on this fear specifically but during my personal development journey, my quest to find healing, working on myself to help heal my depression and cope with tmjd “cluster headaches” without realizing it, I was conquering my fear of being closed in. With my personal development plan I teach myself and train my brain to know I can handle and conquer anything. To know I will always be free no matter what position I’m in in this life. To know life is a gift no matter what. To see positivity and opportunity in any situation no matter how dreadful. I trained my brain with meditation and quotes and music and songs and writing to stay calm and composed for the most part, in any situation no matter what, no matter how painful physically or emotionally. (Out of my post Serendipitous Strength)
The #1 one thing that helps me with my fear is my Buddhist studies, not even just meditation but the writings I read even when I don’t put them into practice as intended. Just the reads are so powerful. All of these other things, quotes, songs, basic mindfulness…, helped me to a great extent, with depression & chronic pain and when I found Kadampa Buddhism, I found deeper healing and healing for this fear.
Somewhat recently, I suffered a relapse and my old fear returned to me with a vengeance. The second the elevator doors close and I’m on there alone, my first thought is “I’m screwed” and a sense of panic arises.
For work, I sometimes have to get on elevators. For about ten months I had to seven days a week, mostly by myself. Thankfully my fear was healed. But in a fraction of a second, while on an elevator, by myself, I suffered a relapse. I made the mistake of watching the numbers go up and waiting for the doors to open and you know when we watch & wait, a second feels like forever. I felt the doors took a second longer than usual to open and that’s all it took to bring that breath-taking fear crashing back into me. Flooded with terror, when the door finally opened, I stumbled into the hallway, trembling inside & out, legs like jelly, dizzy, panicked.
And my fear has been with me since then. I no longer have to be on an elevator every single day anymore and that may be part of the problem. I’m no longer accustomed to it and no longer have that chance to practice being calm on an elevator everyday. Now with those two things, the relapse & being out of touch with elevators, I nearly fall to pieces when I have to get on one by myself. I’m not scared anymore if I’m on an elevator with a dog or a human.
What if the elevator malfunctions while I’m on there myself and I’m trapped inside a box for who knows how long? My worst nightmare. I know I can handle it. My conviction is strong. But I don’t always feel that I can handle it. My conviction never falters. I know anyone can handle anything if we train our brain and adjust our attitude. But sometimes I focus too much on the feeling of not being able to handle it. And i fear if i get trapped, I will become a blubbering wreck and never recover. Two or more weeks away and when I think of it, my head is in turmoil.
(Photo not mine)
I am not someone who curses a lot out loud, in writing, or in my head. It’s not that I think it’s wrong. I love when people curse a lot. Lol It’s just not me. But early, this morning I was walking up a street thinking about how in a few weeks I will be required to get onto an elevator(the doors for staircases in some buildings open to get outside but are locked on the outside to get upstairs so elevators are generally required), most likely alone, and everyday for at least a week, and how I’m going to be living & breathing fear, I’m going to be a total wreck in my head, just like two months ago, and I just thought Fuck this shit. Seriously, fuck it. I am done. Not done with life or with work. I am done being conquered by this fear. So done. And I realized I have hit rock bottom two months ago and am still here now. And I remembered Mr. Clayson’s story about how rock bottom is our opportunity to rise above. I will rise above this fear. I will conquer it.
How? I’m not quite sure but I know I will. I will discipline my brain. And I have a few things in mind. More intensive Dharma practice & gratitude practice, The Work, rhythmic breathing, desensitization…
There is no place for this fear. I don’t want it and I won’t have it. I don’t have to accept it because it can be changed. Two months ago I found it difficult to focus on anything other than this fear. I spilled coffee all over because my hands were trembling, My legs were shaky and I was lightheaded. After getting off an elevator, it took me so long to recover, those mornings & nights. Outside I probably looked a bit shaken up but inside, I was wrecked. (I did face my fear and kept getting on elevators though, {BY MYSELF, ALONE!!!, ME!!! On an elevator ALONE!!! Whhhaaattt?! Holy guacamole!} which is a display of great strength & courage. I did what I had to do while not repressing my fear) I felt that I couldn’t even stand up straight each day.
This is unacceptable and I will change it. Whatever it takes. I will not avoid elevators and will not put up with this terror. And there’s no place for it in my world. It’s not welcome here and I do not have to accept it.
I healed my fear mostly with Buddhist philosophy. And I will again. This is the main thing that brought me so much deep healing and I know without a doubt, it will again. I just have to concentrate.
Recently, I received a Dorje Shugden Empowerment and I am totally counting on it (& my previous Empowerments) helping me cope with & heal this fear.
Om vajra wiki witrana söha.
OM AH RA PA TSA NA DHI
Just like Mr. Clayson shares in the excerpt above, it can feel like all our previous strength, wisdom, personal development is down the drain, but it’s not. Somewhere deep inside, there is strength, wisdom, courage even if it seems to be long gone or seems like we never had any to begin with.
What I am promoting here is not necessarily any specific techniques like gratitude, meditation, conscious breathing or philosophy like Buddhist philosophy, though I do generally promote those. Here, I am just suggesting that we rise above our fear, pain, struggles…and keep going. Keep moving up. Pro-act. Let’s not sink to the bottom and stay there. Do something. Whatever it takes. Whether it’s professional help, meditation, personal development books, exercise, gratitude practice…find something, do something, and just keep going.
(Photo not mine)
It can be done. I did this before and if you are reading this now, so can you. I was able to make the choice to face a fear so powerful that I feel it can drive me insane, like I will lose all sense of language and awareness…, face it & conquer it and completely overcome it. Whatever your issue is, grief, fear, depression, addiction of any sort or something that may seem less serious…you can face it and overcome it. It’s not the problem itself that is actually the problem; it’s how we attach to it, perceive it, view it, react to it…and we have a choice to change that.
“I choose to FIGHT BACK! I choose to RISE, not fall! I choose to LIVE, not die! And I know, I know that what’s within me is also WITHIN YOU.”
We can & we will.
I am here cheering you on right along with cheering myself on. I have a lot of work to do and it’s every bit worth it. Keep going.
“When you’re at the end of your rope, tie a knot and hold on!!”
Much love & light & strength to you,
Xoxo Kim❤
P.s Elevators are the worst invention in the history of ever!!! I have a few choice words for the inventor! Blahhh!!!
Dare to live
This is not my photo but it’s inspiring so I’m sharing it!
I love how it can be interpreted as living, like living to the fullest, doing what makes us come alive, taking risks and adventures or daring to live in its most basic sense, just carrying on, breathing, keep on living, breathing, loving.
If you have ever been suicidal, you know this takes courage & much strength.
However you interpret it, I hope you are inspired. ~Hugs~ ❤
😀 ❤
Good Day to you! (or night!)
xoxo Kim
For them. <3
(this is not my photo)
I wrote this a month ago but never posted it yet. It has been saved in my drafts for a while. So here it is!
Caution: This may be a trigger for some. It’s about my suicidal urges. I hope you click it off and not read if you have even the slightest concern that details about my suicidal inclination may trigger serious distress. Or you can just scroll through and look at the inspiring photos instead! 😀
One night and early in the morning recently I experienced violent suicidal urges. I haven’t been extremely depressed. Like I said, it can just appear out of nowhere and then leave out of nowhere. This was triggered by something in my external environment. It’s usually not triggered by anything like that but it can be. Usually problems I have don’t trigger it but recently a problem I encountered did trigger it.
Sometimes when this happens and whatever my problem is goes away, it’s too late and I’m already pulled in. The problem going away won’t always pull me out of the depression or suicidal urges/thoughts. The damage is done.
The problem I encountered ended kind of quickly and everything was peaceful and calm again and it was over. But my suicidal urges lingered on all through the night and into the morning and even later in the day. I still have them once in a while.
It’s not really important what the problem is/was. I mentioned here before how I am extremely playful and love to joke and clown around. My sister doesn’t like it. My playful personality often clashes with her more serious one. My jokes are never insulting or degrading or mocking. They never have been and they never will be. I am not that way. Sometimes when my sister leaves a room or my mom does, I just joke around and say “don’t be too long.” Or “hurry back” or something dumb like that. Sometimes if someone asks me to get something, I bring something else as a joke. Like my mom asked me for an envelope when we were in a post office one day and I brought a very large envelope over just to be funny. She wasn’t amused. She said no one likes a clown.
But I’m amused still. Lol
One day years ago my mom wanted a tuna sandwich and I convinced my sister to let me bring her back the two feet long one. It was hilarious! Still is! At least to me!
My mom thinks it’s annoying and my sister finds it beyond annoying when I joke usually.
My mom is easily amused but not as much as I am but she doesn’t like when people can never be serious. It’s not that I’m never serious; I just have a very playful nature and I wouldn’t have it any other way!
My sister doesn’t handle things well at all so something I see as an innocent joke to be funny, she sees as an attack on her.
One night she was leaving the room and I said “don’t be long!” and laughed and she got revenge on me by taking my clothes and hiding them and taking a bottle of soda and pouring it all over my bed. I had to sleep in wet sticky stuff I couldn’t get up because it was late at night.
Occasionally the memory still provokes those horrible urges.
My mom and dad mostly took her side and made me out to be a monster. This doesn’t happen often or anything.
They said my joking has been going on too long. They did not agree with how she handled it but I was still the “worse one” for acting dumb.
Also, I love to compliment people. Sometimes I’m too shy but I’m much better with it. I love to compliment the girls at work when I love their clothes, makeup, or hair or anything. I’m not shy around my sister so I’m frequently complimenting her on her style and hair and stuff. But she thinks or claims to think I’m mocking her or just joking when I do. And I’m really not. Again, I’m not like that. So she told me recently never to compliment her again and even if I’m not mocking her, she couldn’t care less about my opinion of her, good or bad. It’s ok if she doesn’t appreciate my compliments and doesn’t care what I think. It’s unfortunate but I’m not crushed. Not everyone will love and appreciate us or warmly receive our good intentions and that really is ok!
But I never want someone to think I’m making a mockery of someone or joking like that! I never would!
I’m not sensitive like my sister. I can handle stuff like people talking negatively about me (when I’m depressed though, it can add to it) but I don’t like it and would never do that to someone.
My sister doesn’t mind me writing about it. I’m not writing as an insult to anyone to make anyone look bad. My sister writes about our arguments and stuff on Facebook. I don’t like people taking problems with family and friends to social media trying to make them look bad (even when it has nothing to do with me). It’s inappropriate. But I think it’s ok to express our problems certain ways, unbiased ways like I’m doing. It’s good to write about/share our problems and life lessons learned. Generally, I don’t write things that involve others but occasionally I do but not in a negative way.
I know I’m not completely innocent because even though I don’t intend to infuriate people, I know my jokes annoy them. I just don’t think they’re that bad because they are not abusive or insulting, just dumb and immature. It’s just how I am.
I’m thankful to be the way I am. I won’t change me ever but I can just not say joking things to those who can’t take a joke. There will always be those who love the playful me and those who do not. I don’t have to put too much into those who don’t.
This is me a few nights ago. I felt a sudden burst of inspiration to get dolled up, put on a pair of five inch heels and take pics of myself. ❤
This isn’t about slandering anyone, it’s about my experience and my decision to hold on when it seems so much easier to give up and kill myself. Instead of just hinting at something or saying I recently experienced a problem, I will say what it is.
I haven’t been this suicidal in quite a while. Not this bad.
:-O
It’s not just suicidal thinking; it’s very impulsive, violent urges all throughout me and images in my head that are extremely hard to resist. Sometimes it’s just thoughts but on more seldom occasions, it’s this. And sometimes I don’t know how much longer I can hold on when it’s like this. They get harder and harder to resist.
I know it’s a choice to act on them or not and I don’t have to but it’s so hard when it’s like that.
And sometimes I want to act on them and terminate myself.
I would never kill someone else, I’m not that much of a monster, but this is only me.
I have terrible urges to throw myself in speeding traffic when I’m out walking sometimes, just out of nowhere, but I never would because that would involve others.
I have other urges too sometimes, like recently when I was alone at night, that won’t directly involve others. I won’t ever hurt anyone else or take anyone else out with me when I go or involve anyone in my nonsense. No matter how low I sink, I always know never to hurt or even involve anyone else directly, no living sentient beings, no humans, no animals, no insects. I used to go to the subway sometimes when I was in college and plan on ending it or just seeing if I was able to get up the nerve. Sometimes I came so close. Usually I couldn’t bring myself to go not even close. It was so so scary. When the train comes speeding, loud and clanking and that lethal air blasts at me and I take a step back. It’s so very different than merely fantasizing.
I knew it is selfish because it can make people late for things like work and appointments and scare people who have to see. But I thought their inconvenience would be nothing next to my pain and I justified it. But I realized later that it’s not ok to involve others even if they won’t be hurt. No one else should ever be interfered with just because I have problems. And imagine the psychological damage some may suffer having to witness something like that and the poor person in charge of operating the train. It wouldn’t ever be that person’s fault but still that person would have to live with that. And some people suffer serious guilt even if it’s not their fault at all.
So now I only seriously contemplate ways that won’t interfere with others directly. It’s true that someone will have to find it and it won’t be pleasant for whoever it is. But when almost anyone dies, any way, the corpse will have to be found. I can’t help that.
Anyway, usually things like this problem don’t depress me. I’m very easy going. But that night, it just triggered me to become depressed. Very, very depressed. I was already depressed in a very mild way off and on for a few days.
I felt like nothing has any flavor, I had no purpose and never will, nothing sounds or feels right, nothing really interested me too much, soda had no fizz to it, colors weren’t as vibrant. I had some slight desire. Like for food, reading ghost stories, and taking pictures but nowhere near as passionate as usual; I still liked it though. It was like it was weakened or covered in plastic, like everything covered and I couldn’t really touch it. I knew it wouldn’t matter if I killed myself because I really wanted to die and no one would have cared anyway and there was no purpose in anything for me. I saw no reason for me to live and I did not want to live at all. I wanted everything to end, not just the pain, the good with the bad. I just wanted to be dead. But I kept holding on anyway.
I remember seeing a bright red car that brought some sense of feeling back into me.
The color so vibrant and lovely. All was momentarily ok. It reminded me that there’s always beauty in the ugly, light in the darkness, even if it’s very simple, like a bright red car.
It’s possible for things like that to help me to a certain extent even when I’m in the deepest, darkest despair because I’m naturally very positive and I strengthened my natural habit of seeing the beauty and goodness around me, even more, with practice through the years.
As depressed & suicidal as I have recently been and I still saw all positive, happy, beautiful things just jumping out at me. Even when I wasn’t trying. It was annoying some occasions because I wanted to die so badly, so desperately, but felt guilty and absurd acting on it when there was all beautiful things and positive thoughts jumping into my head uncontrollably. Lol My mind is so much in the habit, both naturally and an intentional conscious habit I have practiced & developed, of positive thinking and an attitude of gratitude, that I think so positively even when I’m on the brink of killing myself. Now, it’s not always enough to stop me or make me want to live but it’s so helpful (and annoying) and makes it less likely I will go.
(mine! 😀 )
I couldn’t believe some of the inspiring shit running through my head when I was trying to muster up the “courage” to kill myself.
I would think of all reasons I should die and be convinced then my mind would come up with:
“But….you can be greater than anything that can happen to you!…”
“But…there’s always something to hold on for…”
“But…all I have to do is change my way of thinking about these things…”
“But…we all have something to contribute to the world…how can I if I end it…”
“But…I can use my pain to our advantage and potentially help someone else…”
“But…there’s still so much beauty surrounding me…”
“But..don’t sweat the small stuff! And it’s all small stuff!..”
“But…it’s all about the attitude and I can change the attitude!”
“But…be Brave! Keep going!…”
And more….
Often for every agonizing thought and great reason to kill myself, a positive, beautiful thought would uncontrollably pop up, a reason to live.
Kept getting in my way. Blah! Lol 😉
There’s something so positive ingrained into me and threaded throughout my whole existence. There’s so much love in me even when all I want is to be dead.
(lol this isn’t my photo)
Also, when I want to but don’t kill myself, it’s not always because some part of me truly wants to live. It’s not necessarily ambivalence, though sometimes it is. It’s just that we all have this biological/evolutionary will to live, which is different than a psychological desire to live. Nature has equipped us with this to keep our species going. A single celled organism with no consciousness has this same will to live.
It doesn’t mean the thing “wants” to live.
Even long after the desire burns out and the will is reduced to just a shred, this will to live is fierce. A thin sliver is so fierce. It’s not my choice. It’s primitive to keep me going, it doesn’t mean I want to. It’s hard to overcome it. Suicidal urges are unnatural to it. They contradict it.
And it’s often stronger than those urges.
It annoys me when people say/write that just the fact that we’re alive, shows we must not be sure if we want to die. No. I have been so sure.
It’s just this evolutionary thing or whatever, really gets in my way.
That night and early in the morning I battled recurrent violent urges to kill myself. Even in my slumber. I dreamed of dying. Taking myself out. I even had a certain method in mind and a plan. I had uncontrollable images flashing through my head of what I wanted to do to myself, what I planned to do.
It was so physical.
I kept getting up in the night, getting ready to go then changing my mind.
Whenever I seriously considered killing myself that night and early in the morning, I thought of all the inspirational things I post and share and truly believe in. And I thought of the sweet messages people write to me expressing encouragement, gratitude, appreciation….and I wasn’t sure I wanted to throw it all away just like that.
(not my pic)
I know what it’s like to suffer and to experience true joy & happiness & love and my main intention with the things I post is to uplift others and inspire anyone I can. How inspiring can I be to others if I intentionally kill myself? That’s a very unfortunate message to send to the world, don’t you think? When things are too agonizing, painful, overwhelming, we give up?
I don’t want to end with that kind of energy. I don’t want to leave that negative energy in the uni-verse. When/if I kill myself, that negative energy will linger. It’s not good for others. And it’s just a bad, bad message to the world. Every single act I perform, every word I speak, every breath I take has the potential for a ripple effect to some degree for better or for worse. So why not make them all positive? Or positive as possible.
(this isn’t my photo)
And I thought of all the potential I have to touch someone else for the better even if just a very small, simple way. Each day I live, each moment, each breath, is a chance to love someone else. Each encounter no matter how brief, can brighten the world for another. And this is true for all of us.
No matter how much pain I’m in and how much I want to die, how much it feels like I have to die, I can still help someone else somehow.
(not my photo)
For a couple hours, I laid in bed in a near catatonic state, no energy to move, no desire, no strength to even pull a trigger if I had a gun. At some points, when I’m depressed, I have literally zero desire for anything other than death and can’t even think of living to help others or for the good things. Sometimes even the joy the good things can bring, doesn’t seem enough to keep me alive. I seriously could hardly move or even breathe. Usually my depression is not this bad, even when I was young and depressed more frequently, it was not usually to this point.
And I thought of all the poor people who lost their battle with depression and suicidal urges.
I want to carry on for them.
I don’t really know if it makes sense but it does to me.
It doesn’t mean they weren’t strong or inspiring or beautiful or would have never wanted to live again. They just couldn’t see it then. But if they held on longer, even just a second longer(suicidal thoughts and urges can be so fleeting, coming and going,…a fraction of a second can make all the difference), they could have found that strength, saw their own beauty. So I want to keep going even when I don’t, to put more love and beauty into the world. The world has been deprived of theirs so I’ll try to put even more for all of us. It’s so hard sometimes but I’ll try. I can never take their place and never would anyway but I can honor them.
For some of us it won’t go away and stay away. It comes and goes.
Like waves in an ocean.
Sometimes the oceans are calm and peaceful and the waves, gentle. But other moments the ocean is loud and aggressive, the waves are violent, threatening to knock us over and pull us under. But if we stand strong, they won’t keep us down too long.
Sometimes I have to battle these violent waves right now until it becomes calm and peaceful again.
I may have written here before about my analogy to the oceans and waves.
It’s so fitting.
(yeah, sometimes it is! Not my pic though!)
I’m very open about my condition. It’s something I battled most of this life, not constantly, but sometimes frequent. Like I said, it can flare up out of nowhere for no reason or be triggered by an external factor or triggered by my own thinking or memories sometimes. It’s not my personality or attitude or even a mere mood. It’s like a sickness that takes me over even though I’m naturally, generally happy. In the same way a physical illness can.
I want to be open and honest about my experience with depression, even the darkest, ugliest parts. And I want to be open & honest about my pleasant experiences and happiness. The depression doesn’t take that away.
I’m very open on here and in person. I often share the blog here on Facebook where people I know in person and those I don’t, have access to it. I want people to know my name and see my face and read my story.
Here I am! 😀 This is me a few days ago! My smile is genuine. We can see if someone is truly happy in the moment, usually, not by the smile but the eyes. There’s a spark whether or not we’re smiling. 😀 ❤
I have nothing to cover up. I’m the same me in person as I am online. I write more than I talk and probably reveal more in writing because the opportunity to write just makes it easier but I’m the same.
I never felt compelled to keep my depression and suicidal contemplation a big secret. And I never will. I did used to be more hesitant to talk about it but still found the courage. Sometimes I still hesitate before speaking or posting certain things that have to do with my condition but I usually always find the courage to eventually share it.
I don’t tell it to just everyone. Some I would never tell to directly but I don’t care if they know. Some people are much easier to tell than others, more inviting, more open to it, especially those who know the pain intimately.
I don’t tell people when I’m seriously considering ending my life, of course not. I’m not trying to get put away (it’s not so bad being hospitalized, I experienced a couple hospitalizations both voluntary and involuntary – it’s a hassle though but helpful in some ways) or inflict guilt upon anyone. If I tell someone I want to kill myself then I really kill myself, that person may feel guilty even if the person doesn’t like me or really care. I don’t want anyone to carry that burden. I don’t go into much detail about my fantasies usually or plans or things like that because I don’t want to distress anyone. But basically, I’m very open about it in general.
For now I choose to keep going for all the people who lost our battle and especially for the people still alive, like me, who have so much difficulty holding on sometimes, for anyone whose life may cross mine even years into the future, who I can help in any way, even if it’s just actively listening, letting someone borrow my pen, a warm smile, a loving hug, an inspiring post, a sweet conversation…..
(not my pic)
Who knows who I can help maybe without even realizing the impact? Whether it’s in a practical way like letting the person have something of mine or in a way like listening to someone talk or being encouraging to others.
(this totally IS my photo! ;-D)
Just because I’m a suicidal wreck (lol) doesn’t mean I don’t have what it takes to love or to help. ❤ In fact, my experience helps even deepen my empathy for the problems of others and helps deepen my wisdom. Even when I’m currently on the brink of ending it, I can still love.
(not my pic)
(I usually do! And yeah, this isn’t mine!)
I can’t be sure I won’t ever kill myself but for now I plan to hold on. ❤ ❤
Not for me but for them. ❤
😀
~Hugs~ & love to you.
Xoxo Kim
A Dose of Inspiration 