Tag Archive | help

Love’s Power <3

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“I have wept in the night for the shortness of sight
That to someone’s need made me blind;
But I never have yet felt a tinge of regret 
For being a little too kind.” ~ Unknown 

I work at a store. It’s window service and we sell ice cream and water ice all year long. We make ice cream sundaes, banana splits, gelatis, and sell soda, candy, and some other things.

I get tips a lot. When someone gives me a tip it’s often one or two dollars or some change. On seldom occasions someone gives me a big tip. The biggest tip given to me at once 
was around eighteen dollars. That is very rare. I’m always very grateful for tips no matter how much or how little the money is, and the person who gives me one, more for the kindness than the money itself. People don’t have to give me a tip but many do, out of the kindness and goodness of their hearts.

One of the most inspiring tips I ever received is 25 cents. 

One busy night at work I saw an old man in line. I love old people. I think they’re cute and am deeply inspired by their deep wrinkles, graying or white hair, their slow movements, laugh lines, their aches and pains, the gnarled joints that reveal strength, endurance, and determination, passion, longing, and vitality entrapped in deteriorating eyes and ears but set free through the power of Touch, their wisdom, that all reveal an undying desire and will to live and survive, to keep going, to push through it all with that sparkle still in their eyes, the smile that never fades, the long life of happiness, heartache, joy, and battles and beauty they have been blessed to know.

The man was looking to his side, smiling warmly. I felt an instant warm affection for him. I saw deep wrinkles around his eyes and mouth, white hair on his balding head. His arthritic fingers had difficulty moving, grasping and his posture wasn’t straight. But he still has something to smile about.

Then I saw what he was smiling at. His grandson. An adorable little boy.

The little boy also had a radiant smile. A joyous smile that seemed to light the night.

He was so eager to order his own food. Usually when kids come with adults the adult orders the food for them. But occasionally a child wants to ask for her/his own.

This little boy, probably around ten years old, was so happy to ask for his own food. A “special needs” child, it was somewhat challenging for him but he attempted, succeeded, and was so proud. He asked for food that costs $2.50. 

I spoke to and smiled at him encouragingly to show him how well he was doing. And his grandfather stood back and watched proudly.

The little boy handed me three dollars and I gave him his fifty cents back. He stepped aside to put mustard on his food and let the others in line come up to order. When I went back to the window the little boy said to me, “Excuse me, do you have a tip cup?” 

I gladly accept tips but I don’t ask for or expect them and never put a tip cup out. One of the girls I work with does though and her tip cup was on the shelf next to the window since it was just me working that night, so I put it out the window when he asked and he took one of his quarters he got as change, smiled at me, and dropped it in. Again, he was so happy and proud. What a kind and thoughtful 
little boy. Full of courage and love.
Glowing with confidence.

My heart welled up with love and gratitude and inspiration.

I said “Thank You so much!!” and smiled and he smiled that unstoppable smile and joyfully replied “You’re welcome!” and they walked away hand in hand. A little boy and an old man.

This little boy doesn’t let a disability stop him or a struggle or a challenging circumstance. He bravely speaks up, exercises his independence, and reaches out in love.

The quarter he gave me is a beautiful, tangible reminder of love, strength, and courage.

I love to help people. It’s one of my favorite things. I’m a very shy girl, sometimes a little bit too reserved, and sometimes I let it limit me. 
And sometimes I let my depressive disorder limit me.
Sometimes when I’m deeply depressed I let myself sink and not be the best me I can be. I submerge into a deep abyss and stop everything. Stop writing and reading and sharing uplifting quotes and ideas, stop smiling, repressing all of my creative urges…
And there have been occasions I was in a position to reach out and help someone or speak up or even just make eye contact with and smile at a stranger or someone, to give all of myself, to express my love and compassion and instead, I held back, stood back or looked away in fear. 

Fear of what I would look like to others, fear of not being good enough, fear of trying to help but actually making something worse, fear of making a misjudgment and someone really did not need my help or want my kindness, fear of messing up in front of someone and looking silly not in a good way, fear of someone negatively judging me for some reason, fear of coming off as useless or rambling, fear of being misunderstood, fear of someone seeing me truly, seeing me for me and not liking it, the real me, fear of someone not “properly” receiving whatever I wanted to offer, fear. 

Fear.

I let it interfere with my loving compassion, the tenderness that my heart longs to lavish on the world, I let it interfere with my desire, my longing to reach out and embrace, console, heal, and love.  

I don’t always let it stop me. But too often, I do. 

And a little boy reminded me of that one summer night when he reached out through the loving kindness in his heart and showed me love even though it was a challenge for him.

He was bold enough to ask for what he wanted. And brave enough to love.

And through his own love, kindness, and courage, he was able to encourage and teach/remind me of a lesson. Love is more powerful than fear. More powerful than pain of any kind.
It’s more powerful than any struggle or challenge or disability. It’s more powerful than pain and despair, depression and the desire to give up. If we summon the love in us, it’s more powerful than anything else.

“Livin’ might mean takin’ chances but they’re worth takin'” ~ LeeAnn Womack

The only true disability is the choice to let fear or other unpleasant emotions stand in the way of love. And that disability can be corrected.

My love, my kindness, my willingness to help will not always be gratefully appreciated. I will experience forms of rejection, ridicule, apathy, people who see me for me and don’t like what they see. I will be misjudged now and again. I will be disliked, not appreciated, ignored. And that’s ok. I don’t love merely to be loved in return, to be appreciated and cherished. Those are amazing things to have but I don’t expect or demand them in return for my love, compassion, and kindness.

If someone does not receive my kindness and love the way I intend, it’s ok. It can be painful but it’s worth the risk. I will move forward and love some more. There will always be someone who does not care for my help, love, friendship, and kindness and there will always be someone who does. I won’t always know for sure who will open up and receive my love and compassion and who will not.

“Lovin’ might be a mistake but it’s worth makin'” ~ LeeAnn Womack 

But I won’t stand back in fear of those who won’t. I will love again and again. And if it touches someone for the better, my dream is fulfilled. If it’s denied, ignored, ridiculed, criticized, and rejected, I will go on loving. My dream is still fulfilled. My dream to BE a being of love. To be an example of love. Love for others and the self. Love for people I don’t know personally and for people I do. Love for the most loving and beautiful people. Love for difficult people and ones who just don’t care. Love for those who aren’t easy to love.

“I’ve got a song
And I carry it with me and I sing it loud
If it gets me nowhere, I’ll go there proud.” ~ Jim Croce 

Love can be an emotion, an affective feeling and it can be a verb, an action, an expression. Whenever we reach out to make the world a better place or touch someone’s life for the better with the light of our own lives, we reach out in love. 

I hope you, too, will reach out in Love if it’s your true passion. If Love is your Way I hope you honor it and love. Love any way you can. Writing positive and uplifting comments to people on blogs, statuses, videos, encouraging your friends and family unconditionally, volunteering to help people or animals, being a loving mother or father or friend, working to help people, giving to those in need, smiling sweetly at people, helping homeless animals or people, sharing uplifting quotes, a warm hug or friendly hello, providing warmth and light to those in the cold darkness…you don’t need money or a specific job or even a lot of time. You can incorporate love into your every day. The most simple acts of kindness are enough to light up the world.
Even when you struggle to move your tongue, I hope you speak in Love.  And when your hands tremble in fear, I hope you still reach out to touch. When your heart is broken and scarred I hope it continues to guide you, anyway. And when you’re lonely and your arms are holding yourself tightly in your sorrow and despair, I hope you find the strength to let go and embrace another, someone else who may need your loving arms, your broken heart, your deep understanding. When your eyes are filled with tears and pain, I hope you find the courage still, to look deeply into someone else’s and find something that resonates with you, look into someone else’s eyes and see a reflection of yourself.

“At the end of the day, it’s not about what you have or even what you’ve accomplished. It’s about what you’ve done with those accomplishments. It’s
about who you’ve lifted up, who you’ve made better. It’s about what you’ve given back.”

I am forever grateful to all of those who remind me. Remind me to love, to take risks, to honor me, even though it won’t always be easy.

“Everyone needs reminders that the fact of their being on this earth is important and that each life changes everything.”
~Marge Kennedy

I heard and read the word “encourage” my whole life and knew what it means for about as long as I can remember. It means to bring some kind of support to someone, to help give someone a push to keep going. But until now I never realized the word “courage” in it and the “en” in front of the “courage.” To inspire courage. Like the word “enable.” able=ability “en” to empower or allow. To help someone find the courage that dwells deep within.

It’s an interesting revelation.

We have courage or potential for courage deep within us already and someone can help coax it out for us, even a young child.

We often think about what we can teach and remind children but let us stop for a minute and think what a child can remind and teach us.

Xoxo Kim

Livin’ might mean takin’ chances but they’re worth takin’ – One Year <3

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“What I am well that’s what I am.
I tell you, baby,
That’s just enough for me.” ~ Alice Cooper

“I choose to fight back! I choose to rise, not fall! I choose to live, not die! And I know, I know that what’s within me is also within you.” ~ (Mayor John Pappas, City Hall movie quote)

Hello, lovelies,

Here is something I can’t believe I’m writing today. I never thought I would live to see today.
Never in my wildest dreams. I feel a tingling in my wrists.

Almost everyone who knows me knows of my super long battle with severe, suicidal depression. I have suffered with long term mild/moderate depression for much of my life with recurrent severe, despairing, debilitating long episodes of depression on top of that. Day after day, year after year. It was not truly everyday. It would go away now & again & I would be truly happy. But it would always return.

Many days I even had great self esteem, I liked myself, loved myself even, had no problems, everything was beautiful. I had passions & interests. But I wanted to be dead. Then it would go away & I would be happy, sometimes for months then it would be back, maybe for days, maybe for months before happiness would return.

Telling people doesn’t faze me. When I’m currently dangerously suicidal I don’t tell people usually, out if fear of being put away.

But I will tell people about the vicious darkness that has consumed me. And I will tell people about Hope & Healing.

I’m not embarrassed by this disease and it’s not pretty but I won’t conceal it. I spent hours upon hours a day for many years just fantasizing about ending my life, then happiness, then despair again, I have come so close on many occasions when fear would stop me, fear that it wouldn’t work and I would just be sick, injured, or paralyzed…

Some days I would be happy but still have hours of despair in the middle. And sometimes for weeks/months, I had no depression at all.

I am generally very happy. But I still struggle with the severe episodes. Not as frequently or as long usually But they still occur.

But today is October 1st. My last serious/semi serious suicidal thought/urge was one year ago, October 2012. I cannot remember the exact day. But I know it was in October. Since then I have experienced excruciating episodes of despair, depression, sometimes, But I kept hope alive. Knowing it will end and the sun will rise again.

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I have been struggling for the last few days, feeling an episode coming on. I learned to usually detect impending episodes and be able to prevent a full blown one by monitoring and consciously changing my thinking and actions.

But it’s so hard. I keep feeling suicidal thoughts trying to emerge, not just brief, fleeting ones, but ones that I will begin to entertain and dwell on. Over a year ago they would have taken over by now. But somehow now I am managing keeping them at bay.

I know some of my triggers but it’s not always triggered by something necessarily, sometimes it just comes out of nowhere.

Last night while I laid it bed, I wanted to let it just have me, have its way with me and succumb to depression and those suicidal thoughts trying to creep into me. It takes energy and motivation that I just don’t always have or feel like working on. Sometimes I don’t even want to.

This is more than just a low mood but it’s not a full blown episode. This is like what I often had before, not depression but almost. I still haven’t had one of those suicidal thoughts. Something keeps me going. I keep feeling so hopeful then hopeless then hopeful then hopeless. Then hopeful again.

I keep telling myself after all this, I won’t let myself succumb. One year is a big accomplishment for me. Those thoughts and urges were so much an integral part of me for well over a decade, off and on, that it’s incredible to think I finally lived a year without them coming & going. And because of work I did for myself. This thing has symptoms that must be managed just like other illnesses. It flares up every now & then. It comes & goes. But less than it used to.

Ever since I was a young girl I kept wishing over and over and over that I could go one year without those suicidal thoughts & urges returning but I never saw it happening. Until now. Yup, mind=blown. Lol

Depression, suicide contemplation are traumatic. All of it. Even recovery or remission is traumatic. It’s weird. It’s beautiful. It’s freaky. It’s unfathomable. Not having those thoughts day in and day out for months.

And I never get used to it. Every second of every day, almost, I realize how amazing it is to not only be alive but to actually want to be alive. To be happy in general. To have a strong will and desire to live.

I am overwhelmed. When I’m in immense physical pain or sickness and it goes away, I have this amazing feeling, a conscious awareness of not being sick or in pain. But after a while I usually go back to no longer being aware of it, consciously. I get used to it again.

But not this.

This, this never gets old. Not being in an almost constant state of depression, not having thoughts and urges to kill myself everyday all throughout the day, it never gets old. Even after a year, I am almost always conscious of it.

So much zest. So much life. So much passion. This is how it would always be when my depression would lift before coming back but now happiness is more frequent.

I still get depressed. But in general, I am the happiest girl in the whole USA! Lol ;-D

So much hope.

Pain is real. But so is hope.

I want anyone who is feeling hopeless about anything at all whether it’s something seemingly serious or something which seems trivial to know that thoughts and feelings and perspectives change. It may take work and it may not change right this second but you won’t be sad forever. Hold on, you got this.

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Look where I was & look where I am. Look at me now! 😀

“Livin’ might mean takin’ chances but they’re worth takin’,
Lovin’ might be a mistake but it’s worth makin’,
Don’t let some hell bent heart leave you bitter,
When you come close to sellin’ out reconsider” ~ LeeAnn Womack

Go on, take chances. Live. Love. Maybe loving will be a mistake and you will be crushed, abandoned, rejected, ignored, devastated, not loved back…but love anyway. Live anyway.

Love doesn’t ask for changes, it doesn’t ask for favors or to be loved back, love doesn’t demand someone to think or feel or act a certain way. Love simply loves.

“You can be greater than anything that can happen to you. ” ~ Norman Vincent Peale.

“I am 99.9% sure it will never get better. But it’s the 0.1% that keeps me going. ” ~ Unknown

“If you’re going through hell, keep going.” -Winston Churchill

“If we weren’t all crazy we would go insane” ~ Jimmy Buffett

“Come Monday, it’ll be alright.” ~ Jimmy Buffett. (Jimmy Buffett mentioned that he wrote this song in a C.A. Hotel room when he was suicidal and it saved his life.& I am so thankful. ❤ .)

For all those who don’t feel as old as they are and never will

I rounded first never thought of the worst
As I studied the shortstops position
Crack went my leg like the shell of an egg
Someone call a decent physician
Im no pete rose, I can’t pretend
Though my mind is quite flexible, these brittle bones don’t bend

Im growing older but not up
My metabolic rate is pleasantly stuck
Let those winds of time blow over my head
Id rather die while Im living than live while Im dead” ~Jimmy Buffett

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Pour me somethin’ tall and strong
Make it a hurricane before I go insane
It’s only half past twelve, but I don’t care
It’s five o’clock somewhere

I could pay off my tab
Pour myself in a cab and be back to work before 2
At a moment like this, I can’t help but wonder
What would Jimmy Buffett do?

Jimmy Buffett spoken:
Funny you should ask, Alan
I’d say
Pour me somethin’ tall and strong
Make it a hurricane before I go insane
It’s only half past twelve, but I don’t care

Pour me somethin’ tall and strong
Make it a hurricane before I go insane
It’s only half past twelve, but I don’t care
He don’t care
And I don’t care
It’s five o’clock somewhere

Jimmy: What time zone am I on?
What country am I in?

Alan: It doesn’t matter

It’s five o’clock somewhere

Jimmy: It’s always on five in Margaritaville, come to think of it

Alan: I heard that

Jimmy: You’ve been there haven’t you?

Alan: Yes, Sir

Jimmy: I’ve seen your boat there

Alan: I’ve been to Margaritaville a few times

Jimmy: All right.
That’s good

Alan: Stumbled my way back

Jimmy: OK Just want to make sure you can keep it between the
navigational beacons

Alan: Between the buoys.
I got it

Jimmy: All right.

It’s five o’clock.
Let’s go somewhere

Alan: I’m ready.
Crank it up

Jimmy: Let’s get out of here

Alan: I’m gone” ~ Alan Jackson/Jimmy Buffett

This song never fails to uplift me.
And this one:

Well you know those times when you feel like
There’s a sign there on your back
That says I don’t mind if you kick me, seems like everybody has
Things go from bad to worse
You think it can’t get worse than that
And then they do

You step off the straight and narrow
And you don’t know where you are
Used the needle of your compass, to sew up your broken heart
Ask directions from a genie in a bottle of jim beam
And she lies to you
That’s when you learn the truth

If you’re goin’ through hell keep on going
Don’t slow down if you’re scared don’t show it
You might get out before the devil even knows you’re there

I’ve been deep down in that darkness
I’ve been down to my last match
Felt a hundred different deamons breathin’ fire down my back
And I knew that if I stumbled I’d fall right into the trap
That they were layin’

But the good news is there’s angels everywhere out on the street
Holdin’ out a hand to pull you back up on your feet
The one’s that you’ve been draggin’ for so long
You’re on your knees might as well be prayin’
Guess what I’m sayin’

If you’re goin’ through hell keep on going” Rodney Atkins

“I may be lonely but I’m never alone.” ~ Alice Cooper

” I fearlssly walk into battle
With a shine on my boots and my teeth
Never flinch, never blink, never rattle
My blood is like ice underneath

Oh, I’m the reincarnation of patten
And I’ve got Hannibal’s heart in my chest
God told me I would have rivaled
Alexander the great at his best.” ~ Alice Cooper


But you and me ain’t no movie stars.
What we are is what we are.
We share a bed,
Some lovin’,
And TV, yeah.
And that’s enough for a workin’ man.
What I am is what I am.
And I tell you, babe,
Well that’s enough for me.” ~ Alice Cooper

Good day to you all.
P.s. This auto correct on my phone is more insane than I am, constantly changing words to weird things, even changing words to completely different words & bizarre symbols out of nowhere and spelling correct words incorrectly. Luckily I usually catch it before hitting send but occasionally I don’t and am embarrassed if I am writing to someone I don’t know well. The worst is when it changes a word to a different version. It changes “their” to “they’re” so embarrassing! Lol. It recently changed “unfazed” to “phased”! Seriously?! Shit’s off the walls! Thanks auto correct! Thanks a lot, I just love being mortified! It wrote this one day “jesus_20267475.html”. I saved it to show people. Lol I wrote some ordinary word and auto correct deleted it and wrote that thing! Whhhaatt?! Yup, my phone has lost its marbles! I guess we’re made for each other.

;-D. Remember, when you get the choice to sit it out or dance, I hope you dance.

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Blue skies ahead.

Hope lives here.

“Ordinary” people who inspire me <3

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There’s a lot of inspirational people in this world who most of us know about: celebrities, authors, politicians, world leaders, other famous or well known people. Ones who people tend to think of as extraordinary. 

But then there’s the other people.   The ones who aren’t famous. They’re not known in the media or around the world. Maybe they’re your friends.   Your family members. Your coworker or neighbor. Someone you met at a bus stop. A teacher you had in school one year, a professor in college.   A random stranger on the street or a salesperson at a store, a customer at a place you work.

All the “little” things they do may not reach as many people, maybe the impact of them doesn’t reach people at the same magnitude as the people frequently publicized in the media. But their actions, words, kindness, compassion, & love are no less extraordinary to the lives they touch & warm.

Inspirational people are everywhere. 

I decided to create a list of some people who have at one point inspired me somehow. Some of them I know personally. Others I have only encountered once in all my days. But all of their lives have touched mine, somehow, for the better.

1.) The man who stopped his car to ask another man, a random stranger, if he needed help with the ladder he was putting up. “Yo, buddy, you need help with that?” he asked. And it warmed me to see such random kindness extended to a stranger. 

2.) The man who noticed I was lost one day and offered me help without me asking.   I was lost in Center City Philadelphia a few years ago. I was confused and had no idea where to go or who to ask for help.   I walked along the crowded, busy streets and must have appeared to be lost & confused. A man I have never seen before approached me with a warm smile & genuine concern, asking me if I need help. I told him yes, I can’t seem to find what bus I need to get home. He asked me where I was going and showed me where to go. He helped me find my way back home. 

3.) The group of little girls who blessed me with kindness which was more than necessary. I was working at the store one night and a group of young girls came for ice cream. They were no older than 13 years old. They all sat on the bench after paying, to eat their ice cream. They were all wearing girls soccer uniforms. After they ate their ice cream they came back to the window and looked at me smiling and whispering to each other.   I suspected that they were doing this in the way girls do when they are being malicious.   Girls of all ages do this. They can be 8 years, 13 years, 25 years, 40 years, 60 years or older and they will stare, whisper, smirk, gossip, about other girls. Not all girls do this but many do.   I wasn’t sure but I thought maybe these girls were doing this. But they were not. They each pulled out money, put it together and handed it to me, “This is a tip for you, thank you” and they smiled at me warmly and walked away. I was and still am so touched by their kindness and generosity.

4.) Diane, the lady who brags about me as if I am her own daughter. I have known her for about 7 years, I met her at work. She has a few sons who are close to the same age as me. She loves to introduce me to new people , loves to tell them how sweet I am, how friendly & loving, and all about my education and interests. If you listened to her,you would think I’m her own daughter the way she’s so proud and so ready to show me off to people. 

5.) Brian, my next door neighbor who loves to help stray animals. He is so dedicated to helping homeless cats. He takes them in during storms, feeds them on his steps even though other neighbors get angry saying he attracts them.   He goes on doing what he loves, helping animals in need. He places bowls of food near a lot on the street for a mommy kat & her kitties. He comes out at all hours of the night checking on them. He is very friendly & kind.

6.) The stranger who I told everything to in the rain one day under his umbrella at the bus stop. It was after my therapist appointment one day. It was raining hard. It was beautiful. I was waiting for the bus. He stood next to me and put his umbrella over me. He wasn’t coming on to me, wasn’t trying to hook up, wasn’t being a creep or trying to take advantage.   He just wanted to help me not get soaked and was genuinely interested in my story. He asked if I live around there I said no. He asked if I work near there.   I said no. I told him I go there for therapy.   He was interested in why. I told him I have severe depression. He couldn’t relate much but told me his sister can. He asked what it’s like for me. I told him. I expected him to turn away at first, to give me a weird look, a scared look, which some strangers have done when I told them. But he looked at me in no such way. He was kind, compassionate, empathetic, interested, friendly.   And he told me about his life & his sister.   It was perfect.

7.) The lady who came to my work to buy ice cream and bought a homeless man everything he wanted. He was so grateful, she was genuinely concerned. I bought him a soda.   He was so moved. He cried. Said he never experienced such warmth & kindness.

8.) The little girl who came to the store where I work to buy something. She started to walk away then turned back and said “I just want to tell you, you look beautiful tonight.”
 

9.) The doctors & nurses in the hospital I was in when I was 21 years old and had to get emergency surgery for my kidney. They were so kind, warm, caring, compassionate, & genuinely concerned. I have never been so sick and in so much pain before then. My heroes.

10.) The very patient & helpful Philadelphia detective when I had to try to identify someone who held a gun to my chest and no one in the pictures were that man. Another detective was inpatient, fed up, angry, and bitter with me, for not knowing enough info. Which I understand with all the stressful, heroic work he does day in & day out. But this other man, he was warm & told me how helpful I was and how good I did even though I wasn’t very helpful.

11.) The psychiatric technician I met during one of my hospitalizations for depression. Very caring, compassionate, uplifting, empathetic, unlike many other of the staff members. He cared about us truly. He told us about his own struggle with addiction, how he was hopeless at one point and turned his life around and now helps people who are in a dark place where he once was. He told us we all have an inner sun and to let it shine through, to take good care of ourselves, how deserving we are of love, how capable we are of turning our own lives around. He told us about the “Gambler” song sung by Kenny Rogers and how inspiring it is about life in general, which I already knew but love more now.

This is just a brief list. I have many more inspiring memories/people as well. And not only positive / happy people and things can be inspirational.   Tears, heartbreak, struggles, pain, illness, setbacks…can all inspire us and strengthen us.

Who are the “ordinary” people in your everyday who inspire you? I encourage you to frequently make mental notes, and even lists on paper or electronic lists. One seemingly small act of kindness can be so big to the person’s whose life it touches. 

You may be touching other people’s lives for the better everyday without even knowing!

You can inspire people in person & through your writing or drawing or singing.

I believe we should appreciate all of the people and the simple things they do and the way they inspire us everyday and I believe we should be the kind of person who inspires others.

Much love, laughter, life, inspiration, & healing to you all.

Thank You, Earthbound angels. Thank You mortal goddesses & gods.

Xox0 Kim

😀

My Mental Illness & Strength

Today I am depressed but not suicidal and want to send love to anyone else struggling. xoxo

” All the world is full of suffering.
It is also full of overcoming.”
– Helen Keller

Let today be the day that you choose to become your own greatest hero.

Xox0 Kim

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😀

Holly, Hope, & Healing

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I wrote this some weeks ago and intended to post it here then never got around to it.

I tried posting it and it would not go through and then later I posted other stuff.

In January, 2008 I met a girl named Holly. In the extremely short amount of time we knew each other for, she impacted me in an incredibly positive way. I loved meeting Holly and will always be so very grateful our lives crossed and touched. Holly was/is one of the most beautiful, sweetest girls anyone could ever be blessed to know or meet.

But the circumstance in which we met was very, very unpleasant. We were both admitted to the same psychiatric hospital, her for Schizophrenia, me for severe depression. We shared a hospital room together.

It was my first hospitalization in that kind of hospital and I was unsure what to expect. I am extremely claustrophobic and have an immense fear of small and closed in places especially if I’m alone in them or with someone I cannot connect with for some reason.

This was my only fear about the hospital. I’m generally not a fearful kind of girl.

Even regular hospitals don’t scare me. I wasn’t even scared when I was about to have emergency kidney surgery when I was twenty one years old.

Just the anesthesia stuff scared me until the doc assured me that the Anesthesia would not paralyze me while I was conscious when I asked her. So it did not surprise me that I wasn’t scared of this hospital.

I was admitted to that hospital in the middle of the night, taken in an ambulance after leaving an emergency room at another hospital where I was for eight hours. When one of the friendly psychiatric technicians took me to my room, I was afraid. Afraid that he would lock the door and I would be locked in. I was starting to protest the fact that I had to go in that dark room. I started to get loud even though I am and always have been a very quiet girl in general. Other patients were sleeping, including my roommate, Holly. I told the technician I did not want to be locked in that room and he promised I wouldn’t be locked in there and he told me gently and warmly but firmly to be quiet so I would not wake Holly. I saw her laying in bed sleeping and as he was closing the door I turned around, pulled it all the way back opened and asked “Can she talk?”. I had no idea what was wrong with her or what state or condition she was in. She may have been in an immobilized depressive state, in a catatonic state like I am sometimes or she may have been suffering with Catatonic-type schizophrenia or some other condition that would render her unable to talk or connect with me on a level that would make me somewhat at ease being in a closed room with her. The technician smiled warmly with a quick laugh and said “Yes, she can talk.”. I instantly felt at ease and a bit calmer. He closed the door and I got into my bed next to her bed.

Words will never do justice to express the true depth of my loneliness or level of my suffering that day and the other days I have struggled with depression. The loneliness was so suffocating I felt that itself would kill me or drive me to insanity if I wasn’t already there. My depression often leaves me with a sense of loneliness so deep I feel that I am the only one in this world no matter how many people are near me and talking to me. And in a sense I am the only one in the world, my own solitary world of painful confinement. Like layers and layers just covering me and I cannot truly be touched in any way. Nothing can penetrate. There is no connection with anyone or anything. Sometimes when I am in a depression, it can be lifted by interacting with others, seeing friends, going out, doing things…but not always and this episode was one I thought nothing could touch.

But I am the kind of girl who is always thrilled to meet new people and even through my pain, despair, loneliness, and depression that day, deep inside me there was some small tinge of wonder about Holly, sparkling through my pain and despair. I wanted to meet her.

I wanted to wake her up, as tired and exhausted in every way imaginable that I was. I wanted to know her, I wanted her to know me.

I wanted her to break through my sheer walls that no one could see and ease the pain for at least a little while.

I instantly felt some sort of connection already as she laid there sound asleep.

We were both girls struggling, suffering with some wretched sickness that landed us in that hospital.

But I knew I couldn’t wake her. So I laid in my bed and eventually drifted off to sleep. Then before I knew it I was waking up to voices in the room with me. “Who’s that?” I heard a curious young woman’s voice ask. “That’s your new roommate, Kimberly.” I heard the technician answer.

We had to get our vital signs taken and get ready for breakfast. I finally got to meet her. She had the biggest, brightest smile that lit up the room.

She asked me what I was in there for and I told her depression. “What’s that?” She asked, “Is it like sadness?”. I was in no mood at all to explain what depression is or why I was so devastatingly depressed and I actually wasn’t sure exactly why anyway. I just knew it had something to do with “not having friends or a reason to live.” Even though I did have close friends. It felt as if I had no one.

“Yeah” I said, “Something like that.”. I was too lethargic to get out of bed and I laid back down.

Holly told me to get a lot of rest and I instantly sensed her caring, generous, beautiful nature.

I told her my intense fear of being in closed places and Holly was kind enough to open the door for me and she told me she doesn’t ever want me to be scared or sick. But it turned out that Holly was struggling with Paranoid Schizophrenia and was suffering with terrible hallucinations and delusions.

She saw things and heard things, often extremely unpleasant and terrifying things, that weren’t really there. And she was under the impression that people were trying to hurt her and get into her head and steal or mess with her thoughts.

She suddenly became terrified having the door open and the noises in the halls were affecting her negatively so she told me that she would close the door and that she was sorry for me and that it would all be ok because we would be together and she wouldn’t let anything bad happen to scare me.

I was no longer afraid of the door being closed.

Holly was in that hospital for a very long while and was in and out of hospitals for many years.

Holly made sure all the patients got what they wanted and needed. We were allowed to have hard candy throughout our stay there and when one girl did not get any candy and wanted some but was too afraid to ask, I could see that it actually hurt Holly to see that. Holly, an extremely empathetic person, wanted everyone to be happy. So she made sure the girl got her candy. She showed me pictures she made with toothpaste that she hung on the walls in our room.

Because of my depression I stayed in bed frequently so whenever the other patients were getting ready for a fun movie night or activity, Holly would come running to our room to let me know and make sure I was included. I was so accepted, so included, so pleased that she thought of me. ❤ And it actually lifted my depression. I felt joy in the things we did together.

One night I was extremely depressed and lonely and felt I was suffocating. I went to my room and laid in bed in so much pain I felt like I was dying. The loneliness was so immense I felt I could not go on living. I truly believed it would never end, never get better. My world was collapsed on top of me and I felt buried alive, crushed and so broken. I remembered year before, being excluded by friends and the pain was unbearable.

It was like an endless nightmare but I was awake.

It was Hell on Earth.

All of my flaws, real or imagined, magnified and came speeding at me with so much force, piercing my very essence.

I laid there alone with the lights off, endless thoughts swirling around in my head. Endless agonizing thoughts. Holly came into the room and turned the lights on.

She told me about a dream she recently had while she slept and I told her one of mine. I saw her eyes light up with amazement. She was so thrilled to hear my dream.

She was so genuinely interested in other people and the welfare of others.

So sensitive to everyone else’s needs and desires.

And we talked that night for hours in our beds about our pain and also about lighter topics. We talked about our joy, the happiness we felt when our illness would go away for a while. Girly things like body mist and lotion and Bath & Body Works, which we both love, and all the stuff we did for fun and all the stuff we dreamed of doing and wanting to want again if we weren’t so sick. The stuff we did, loved, before incredible sickness took over our worlds, ravaged our brains.

For a few moments we were just two ordinary girls having a fun “sleep over.” Chatting and giggling, the way girls are supposed to be, not stuck in hospital beds wanting so desperately to die.

I actually smiled and even laughed, joyfully, and for once in seemingly so so long, I felt a deeper connection to someone, her.

And she was telling me of something funny that happened with one of the other patients and I told her about how hilarious it was when a boy with a spiral notebook that was his journal got it and his pen taken away and the pen replaced with a pencil and the sharp metal spiral thing removed out of the pages and then he got it back.

It was falling apart now.

I still laugh at that when I think back to those days. And even through the painful memories I can feel amusement and light.

🙂 😀

We laughed hysterically over the silliness we felt and how they took away our clothes and things and our shoelaces and belts and anything else that may be a potential weapon against ourselves or others.

Replacing everything potentially dangerous with safer things. Pencils as opposed to pens, smaller towels, plastic forks & spoons, all the strings and laces in clothing, and wiring in girls’ bras, all taken away.

Suddenly for a few minutes our pain that brought so much devastation and grief and the seriousness of being in a psychiatric hospital turned into

Something funny. We made fun of ourselves instead of dwelling on the seriousness and darkness of our circumstance. How crazy we are, we told each other, being dragged into a mental institution in the middle of the night. Getting all of our things taken away.

Holly told me she hears voices no one else can hear and people just call her crazy.

“I know” I told her. “I hear them too.”

She told me how much it hurt her. I know. It hurts me too.

I have also met other amazing people in that hospital those days. ❤

Michelle. Melissa. Lamont. Latrina. Kelly. Chris. Gina. Frank. Patricia. Aquanetta. And many, many more.

Yesterday and the day before were kind of sad days for me for a reason I know not what. Yesterday I felt much sadness for no known reason and then I have been struggling with a loneliness so deep, deeper than I have felt in so so long. The kind of loneliness that even great company cannot cure. It’s not as bad as it was then. And there’s another difference. I am stronger now. And I know this pain and loneliness are only temporary.

I know this pain. I know it well.

It will come and it will go. I now know that I can live. I did not know then what I know now.

I will always think of and remember Holly and the others. I haven’t seen her since I left the hospital. I know nothing of her now other than what I knew then. I have been thinking of her and the rest a lot yesterday. How they inspired me so deeply and let me see hope and light through so much darkness.

If I can laugh with a girl while we sit in our hospital beds being accused of being “crazy” hearing crazy voices, having disturbing thoughts, being locked away, I can sure sit here and laugh now! 😀

I am in a much, much better place. What a great accomplishment. Being able to be strong enough and knowledgeable enough to not let my mood sink deeper into the depression I was living then.

The depressive episodes are so much easier to handle now. And less frequent and less depression in the middle.

It’s strange but in a beautiful way. Weird to feel the same old pain sometimes but still be able to stay positive to a certain degree and even feel a shred of happiness amidst the pain and not want to die. Sometimes, even back then, I felt happy with the pain but even more now.

Before, sometimes even beneath the happiness I still felt a kind of lingering sadness, not always but on occasion. Now even through the sadness I still feel a kind of happiness more than before.

So beautifully strange. It feels weird but beautiful to live voluntarily and not just because I have to or out of fear. There have always been days/weeks/months, during my years of frequent depression, I truly wanted to live and was genuinely happy but then the depression would come back and stay a while and take my will to live. Sometimes for months. Then when I would be happy again, it felt strange and beautiful.

I will healthily mourn all my days/years lost to pain, while celebrating all the days it would lift and I would be happy, and I will move on and embrace the now I am blessed to know.

❤ </3

Wherever Holly is, I hope she is well and this goes for everyone else too. I hope everyone who is at a low point can find some consolation, hope, beauty, & light. Remember when you’re at your lowest point, the only way is up! 🙂

“Bless the broken road that led me straight to you.” ❤

“I may be lonely but I’m never alone.” ~Alice Cooper ❤

“To love life, to love it even

when you have no stomach for it

and everything you’ve held dear

crumbles like burnt paper in your hands,

your throat filled with the silt of it.

When grief sits with you, its tropical heat

thickening the air, heavy as water

more fit for gills than lungs;

when grief weights you like your own flesh

only more of it, an obesity of grief,

you think, How can a body withstand this?

Then you hold life like a face

between your palms, a plain face,

no charming smile, no violet eyes,

and you say, yes, I will take you

I will love you, again.”

Ellen Bass

Xoxo Kim ❤ 😀

To Do List

Image✓ Sing out loud

✓ Write

✓ Smile at people 🙂

✓ Make eye contact

✓ Think positively

✓ Find little doses of inspiration everywhere I look

✓ Be kind

✓ Smile 😀

✓ Draw

✓ Paint

✓ Read & share uplifting quotes

✓ Laugh until it hurts

✓Love

✓Count my blessings

✓ Hope for the best

✓ Imagine

✓ Write a gratitude list

✓ Do something that brings me immense joy

✓Meditate

✓ Bring hope and light to someone in the darkness

✓ Be silly and not care what people think about it

✓ Be me. ❤

✓ See the best in myself & others.

✓ Look for beauty in any form everywhere I can.

✓ Be uplifting

✓ Be lighthearted. ❤

✓ Give.

✓ Be an excellent listener.

✓ Seek to understand.

✓ Be empathetic

✓ Be compassionate

✓ Be a true friend

✓ Perform a random act of kindness

✓ Inspire

✓ Seek to be inspired. 

✓ Embody love. ❤

✓ Be mindful.

✓ See the world with wonder & awe & gratitude

✓ Write an inspirational & uplifting, anonymous letter containing positive quotes and messages, fold it up and leave it in some random place like a bench in a park, an empty seat on a bus, on a step…for a stranger to find.

✓ Take lots of pictures

✓ Be happy

✓ Eat delicious food.

✓ Be light. Be love. Be true. 

✓ Dance

✓ Empower myself. ❤

✓ Focus on the goodness.

✓ Contribute to the world.

✓ Be thankful

✓ Be aware of my senses.

✓ Be friendly 😀

✓ Breathe

✓ Notice the simple things.

✓ Stay calm even in difficult and chaotic situations.

✓ Inhabit my body.

✓ Be.

✓ Be the best me that I can be.

✓Live. ❤

Staying Positive even during negative situations

Here are some tips for how to stay positive even during difficult struggles and pain or during other people’s negativity when you have to be around it.

These are things that help me and I hope they will help you too. We are all different and unique and not everything that helps one of us will definitely help another so you have to try and practice various things until you find what is best for you but I believe these things will help many people.

 

1.) Give thanks.

Think of the things that actually ARE going right. You can start with simple things like your health, your senses, the sky, stars, daylight, sun, moon. Maybe you have wonderful friends and great family even if you cannot be near them as often as you would like. Do you have a fantastic job or at least an ok one for now? Or maybe sweet pets or great food! Make a list of all you have.

 

2.) Color/arts and crafts

 

If you are into creation you can draw or color and get lost in the activity to take your mind off of the negativity for a while. It can help you to create something and be proud of your creation!

You can cut colorful pictures out of magazines or cut out letters and make them into inspirational quotes to glue on construction paper.

3.) Meditate

Mindfulness mediation is something I love and it puts my entire body at ease. Close your eyes, sit in a comfortable position and focus on your breath. Check out meditation Oasis. http://www.meditationoasis.com/podcast/listen-to-podcast/

 

4.) Walk –

If you can, go for a walk. Pay close attention to your surroundings. Take in the wonder of the colors, the sounds, the feel, the scents…everything. It can help relax you and put your mind onto something positive in the present moment.

 

5.) If you can, try writing to, calling, texting a positive friend. True friends are always so uplifting and great to talk to. Even if you don’t want to spill your problems at the moment, maybe you can talk about pleasant things.

 

6.). Try positive journaling where you write and focus on the good in your life or about yourself. List your dreams, goals, hopes, plans, great qualities, fun things…

 

7.) Positive music, songs, read positive lyrics and quotes, print them out, write them down

 

8.) Exercise – this is a great outlet for stress and frustration and makes your body feel amazing. You can engage in a vigorous work out or jump on a trampoline or something simple like a quick walk.

 

9.) Read uplifting books

 

10.). Search the net for some positive outlets to take your mind off of the pain & craziness of the moment.

 

11.) Animals – animals are beautiful and loyal friends. They love unconditionally. If you have none, try to be near a friend’s, walk by a dog park and see the joyfulness that runs wild in there! 😀

 

12.) Take good, loving care of yourself! You deserve it! No matter what is going on, nurture yourself and speak/think kind, loving things about yourself. Think of your good qualities – physical and emotional. Get good rest and good sleep. Maybe a full body massage? Or a mani/pedi. And reward your body with healthy foods and maybe a delectable snack like chocolate cake or whatever you consider a delicious treat. Treat yourself how you would treat someone you love.

 

13.). Do not put off stuff you love. Still put on your makeup if that’s what you like. Get dressed up, fix your hair…

 

14.). Watch an uplifting, comical movie

 

15.) Read funny jokes, get a good laugh! 😀

I hope these things help you!

 

X0xo Kim 🙂 😀

 

P.S. The picture is one I drew to represent peace of mind. It’s a white dove still flying with her wings up even in the midst of a wild storm with rain & lightening. It’s meant to show the fact that we can stay peaceful, calm, and serene even during environmental turmoil. My sister and me came up with the picture and I drew it.Image

Les Miserables

I recently saw the movie “Les Miserables”. I never really heard Imagemuch about the novel or play until the movie came out. When I saw the advertisement for it I knew I had to see it! It looked so good and it is so good!!

I couldn’t find anyone who was willing to see the movie with me so my dad drove me and I saw it all by myself! I always wanted to see a movie myself and never have before. I used to think that going to the theatre all by myself is the worst thing on the planet and who would want to ever do that I would ask myself! Lol. But then I came to understand that it’s good to occasionally do fun things alone and this was my perfect chance. And what a pleasant experience it was! ;-). 

The truth is, I found some parts somewhat difficult to understand what is happening in that scene. I get the whole gist of it and understand for the most part though.

I found this movie to be heart- wrenchingly sad but also very inspirational and heart-warming. While there are many scenes displaying abuse, slavery, homicide, war, negativity, sickness, poverty, and more there is determination, hope, love, kindness, friendship, perseverance, will, inspiration, and, motivation glittering amidst the pain & heartache. I was thoroughly entertained. It is pleasing to my eyes & ears!! And I plan to get the DVD when it’s released.

 

We can look at life in general like this. It’s true. There’s so much grief & pain but through it all there is a light and there is love and hope among it all. So why not see that glittering in the darkness? ❤ 

 

There are great people who love and long to help the hurting and suffering ones. There is healing and hope.

 

When we hear of or experience a horrific event, afterwards we see and experience immense strength & hope and people who jump to help during and after the tragedy. Let’s all give thanks to them for shining their light on us all.  

 

Here is a great quote out of one of the songs in the movie:

“Do you hear the people sing?

Lost in the valley of the night

It is the music of a people who are climbing to the light

For the wretched of the earth

There is a flame that never dies

Even the darkest nights will end and the sun will rise” ~ Les Miserables finale song

 

❤ 🙂 😀 

Be True to Yourself (old post) <3

I wrote this and posted this on Facebook in my notes section three years ago. But it still applies today and always will. So I’m copying it and pasting it here in hopes that it will help someone in need. ❤

Always, always be true to yourself!! 

 

We always hear that we should treat other people as we would want to be treated or for the most part as we treat ourselves. That’s good. But I was thinking for the most part if you are a generally good person and treat other people good, you should treat yourself good too. Treat yourself like you treat them. You are no less of a person than anyone else. If you don’t judge people too much then don’t judge yourself so much. If you don’t negatively judge other people by the way they look it doesn’t make sense to do that to yourself.

If you lose your job or don’t get the job you want, if you are rejected by someone or don’t get accepted to the school or program you want or if you’re not as thin or pretty as you would like to be you may feel like calling yourself negative things or maybe even like killing yourself or like you deserve to feel pain. 

But imagine if someone you know lost a job or was rejected or isn’t thin or pretty. Would you say that person deserves to be called negative things; would you vilify or want to kill that person? Most likely not. Now you see how ridiculous that sounds.

Too often many of us treat ourselves less than or worse than we treat other people and it don’t make any sense. Think about it. You’re a person just like everyone else so you should treat yourself like it by thinking about positive things about yourself and not saying nothing but negative things about yourself especially if they’re not really true.

It’s ok to think about and acknowledge negative things about yourself if they’re really true but not obsess over them and dwell on them.

Whenever you think negative things about yourself, tell yourself a couple good things about you. If you can’t think of any, make something up that you would like to become and keep telling yourself it OR message me and if I know you personally I’ll tell you something good about you. And if I don’t know you personally hopefully you have a detailed profile that I can detect some things out of. There is something good about you, you just think there isn’t. Keep telling yourself positive things about yourself and you may come to believe it.

If ever you want to vent or have self-esteem problems just come to me. Message me and I’ll try to help you. If you want to vent or complain about anything and have no where to just use my wall or inbox even if you don’t really know me. I really won’t mind.

And I was also thinking about selfishness and where to draw the line. It’s not good to constantly be a person who ALWAYS puts yourself before everyone else but occasionally it is healthy to put yourself first, to do you and forget everyone else. 

Like I said you are a person like every other person and on some occasions you have to put yourself first and do what you want or have to to be happy or healthy.

And you may feel guilty which is not justified. You should not always put yourself first that’s true but you should not always put everyone else first either. No matter how much you like or love them or no matter how guilty they make you feel.

If people are constantly asking you to do stuff for them and you always do it’s ok to say no occasionally and not feel guilty even if they try to make you feel that way. Just remember you’re a person like them and have to occasionally come first or say no.

I was hospitalized before for Clinical Depression and in the hospital they told us to find our inner sun and let it shine through. And to take care of ourselves and occasionally put ourselves first even if it makes other people angry or hurt emotionally. And I believe that’s true. Some days you just have to do you. Thinking like this helps me and I hope it helps anyone who may read this and needs help. 

Personal Development & Blog Thanks <3

I have always loved having my own blogs, free websites, profiles and all since I was a young teenager and was first introduced to the internet.

I used to use America Online /AOL free homepages and profiles to write all about myself and promote what I loved, usually tv shows, friends, and silly teenage stuff I was really, really into back then.

I created as many as I could about any topic under the sun.

But I usually never stayed with one blog or website too long.

Since I had no credit card and no money and the hosts were free much of my exercise over them was very limited.

Then a few years ago I became extremely interested in the topic of Personal Development.

I have always been one to think positive more than negative when I wasn’t depressed and I have always liked the idea of self help topics.

But some years ago I came across a facebook page (Personal Development and Inspiration) promoting the blog by Justin Tillman previously at JustinTillman.com now http://www.theuncommonlife.net/

And it touched and inspired me so deeply.

I became more aware of the impact personal development and self help books, blogs, topics, websites, other people’s life stories…can have on us if we only let them.

I read Justin Tillman’s blog and facebook statuses and everything I could, written by him, and it opened me up to the world of true positive thinking as a way of life and an intentional developed habit and working on the self to create the life of your dreams. His life inspired my life. His self acceptance deeply touched me and motivated me to accept parts of myself I was so unwilling to accept. Even if you’re already a mostly positive and happy person, whether or not you struggle with a mental health condition, personal development as a subject can really help you.

Many people reject it and think it’s silly or common sense or only for people with very serious problems, or only for the weak.

None of this is true.

Anyone can benefit in different ways and to different degrees and I find it quite inspirational and uplifting to read or hear positive things even if it’s something I already know or heard before. Friendly reminders every now and then are great.

I believe maintaining healthy self esteem and maintaining inspiration and motivation and an extra positive attitude is somewhat similar to learning a new language.

You have to keep up on it to make it useful to you a long while later. When you take a language course, it’s not realistic to learn the language and never use it or practice or keep up on it and expect to remember it flawlessly years or maybe even months or weeks later. You’ll soon forget.

And so it is with personal development practices.

You have to consciously and intentionally work at it if you genuinely want it to always stay with you and be a part of your life.

“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing – that’s why we recommend it daily.” – Zig Ziglar

Personal development techniques have to be learned, practiced, and strictly and seriously applied though before they can be completely effective for the long term.

You really can’t just skim through a book, take it lightly and just forget it and then claim it’s stupid or don’t work. Well, you can but that’s not a good idea. You have to use it to the best of your ability for it to help transform you.

Self help books and blogs, just like psychotherapy sessions and therapists won’t change your life just by themselves, YOU have to work along with them and the choice is ultimately up to you, no one else.

No one can change your life except for you but people and things can help greatly along the way. They can be crucial to your healing.

I read self help books and have been in psychotherapy sessions for a while and noticed that they did help me a lot but it’s not until one moment of despair when I decided I could take no more, contemplating ending my life, that I turned the other way and really decided to take charge of my own life, my own mind, my own self that those books and therapy really changed me for the better.

I gathered up every personal development book I had and bought more and I searched the internet for any blogs, websites, people, e-books, anything that could help me help myself and I have become more receptive and practiced and applied more and practiced more mindfulness meditation and practiced every technique I have ever learned that I felt would work for me and it helped me incredibly and still does til this day.

For once I felt compassion for myself that I felt for others and I knew that it’s up to me to be sure I don’t lose my life to the pain and despair of depression and physical pain.

I was bursting with joy and amazement for everything I knew and learned and with this newfound light and awakening inside and I wanted not only to help myself but to share all this with as many people I possibly could whether they have severe mental health issues, minor stress problems, or just want to make some things in their lives and the lives of others, better.

I posted stuff on facebook in hopes to help people learn what I have learned and experienced. But what I really wanted was a specific blog dedicated to mostly positive, inspirational, personal development stuff.

I tried weebly, yola, blogger, and many others that just are not compatible with my mobile phone which is what I’m always using. I don’t usually have computer access.

I would get discouraged and give up.

And one day a facebook friend of mine suggested I write an ebook or create a facebook like page or a blog for this.

That gave me motivation to try again and I somehow came across a wordpress blackberry app.

I installed it and it doesn’t work on my phone but it led me to realize that while it can be difficult and frustrating at some points, internet wordpress works on my phone without the app, to a certain point.

I can’t do everything I can on a computer and it’s kind of slow when I’m posting but still works and is very worth the trouble it sometimes causes.

I want to and plan to start posting here more.

The thing that usually stops me is the slowness and partial incompatibility with my phone and wordpress. But this blog is actually one of my biggest dreams! Lol it may sound stupid to some.

But I have always for sooo long wanted an online blog to make a collection of all my personal development ideas I have come up with and learned and read, my own and other people’s. And here it is!

Like I said before, it’s not the prettiest or well advanced but it’s everything I dreamed of.

😀

I have known people who gave up on therapy and personal development books and materials saying they weren’t working.

Therapists, doctors, medication, books, life coaches cannot cure you and will not cure you alone. You are the main one that has to get yourself better.

They are not in your head or your body and they don’t know you like you know yourself and they never will. They can know you well but only you can solve your problems completely and in depth.

Only you have control over yourself. And only you should.

I promote personal development books, blogs, websites, and psychotherapy but I know we are the main ones responsible for ourselves and have to work along with those things.

My depressive disorder while extremely devastating and agonizing has turned out to be the catalyst for my positive transformation.

I was a happy and positive little girl before my depression hit at a very young age; I was still happy and positive after as it would always lift now & again but did become frequent. Very easy tempered and joyful and grateful and I loved me for me. But after a few years of depression, even when my depression would lift for a while, it just always came back. I still had days, months, weeks…and moments of happiness but depression and depressive-like ways would take over again but then after many years of worsening this depression motivated me to more than ever want and attempt to make a change for the better.

I believe if I never developed depression I would have grown into a healthy, happy, more positive than negative adult for the most part but still not as well off and happy and positive and grateful as I am now because I would have very likely not worked to even better myself.

When people are already happy and healthy they often don’t think they can get any better but sometimes they can!

Even though I still struggle with severe depressive episodes, it’s not as frequent as before and in the middle, my happiness is genuine & deep like it was before but more frequent now.

I have learned so much and while I would never go out looking for pain and depression, I have made the choice to view my depression as a gift, as a blessing because it motivated me to make a change.

It’s just like when a person is diagnosed with a long term physical illness and works so hard on health and becomes healthier than even that person was before the illness hit and healthier than even people who aren’t sick!

It’s extremely difficult because depression takes away everything. It takes away pleasure, inspiration, motivation, desires, abilities to function in different ways, it takes away our sense of self and even the will to live. And it just kept coming back.

Often physical illness and pain motivates people to want to survive, to want to do all they can to get better and live; it pushes people to give all they have. But depression is quite the opposite. It often makes people just want to give up, give in, quit, come to an end. There is often no will to survive with severe depression. There is no desire.

But it’s possible to push through and come out on the other side into the bright light.

This life is different now after I learned how to help myself. It’s sunnier and brighter and better more frequently than when I was young.

I can’t say with certainty that my depression will ever completely go away for good. I may always have recurrent episodes.

But they are not as frequent and usually not as long as they used to be and now I have no depression in the middle of them like I used to a lot and I can handle episodes better because of my strengthened positive/gratitude thinking habit.

And I can now often detect an impending episode and divert my thinking and prevent it before it turns to a full blown episode that I can’t pull myself out of.

Sometimes it would seem like my depressive episodes would hit for no reason at all. They would just come out of nowhere. And sometimes it seemed as if my own negative thinking would bring them on. I never had a real bad habit in general of negative thinking but just like people in general, I would on occasion get caught in a trap of negative thoughts about myself and certain situations. And when this would happen, it sometimes would bring on an episode.

So now I’m extra, extra careful to consciously watch my thoughts.

When I started to get truly happy in the middle of episodes I kept believing I would never again have another episode but I always did. I would suffer heartbreak after heartbreak because I truly belied I was “normal” like a person blessed to not have episode after episode every couple of months but then another shattering episode would hit hard. I wouldn’t accept this. I wanted all or nothing.

I wanted my depressive disorder to be a thing of the past, to be a memory, not my current reality, not my current truth.

Severe long term depression runs in my blood. It runs in my family.

But I have come to accept and tolerate that maybe my depression will always be part of this life. I won’t always be depressed at every second or everyday or every week but it will always come back maybe but it will always end. And it’s worth holding on and living through the depression. I always had it and also been happy but now even more frequent happiness!

Acceptance has liberated me and I have better coping mechanisms to handle the episodes than I used to.

During one of my hospitalizations for depression, a psychiatric technician told us to find and embrace our inner sun and let it shine through.

I love that. ❤

I may write of my experience with depression in this blog somewhat often but it will never be to dwell on or curse it. Only to bring hope to what so frequently feels like a hopeless situation for so many. To bring light to the darkness. I write of it to show how it is possible to recover for the most part and muster up strength and courage and to bring what I have learned into writing and help others who may benefit.

But my posts here will not always be about my depression. 😉

I hope anyone struggling in anyway will find hope, strength, consolation, and the inspiration and motivation to keep going even with the pain.

It’s worth it. ❤ 🙂

Xo Kim

“I used to sit under a gloomy cloud of gray

And now the sun is shining and it won’t go away ” ~Jill Sobule

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