Tag Archive | Jimmy Buffett

Livin’ might mean takin’ chances but they’re worth takin’ – One Year <3

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“What I am well that’s what I am.
I tell you, baby,
That’s just enough for me.” ~ Alice Cooper

“I choose to fight back! I choose to rise, not fall! I choose to live, not die! And I know, I know that what’s within me is also within you.” ~ (Mayor John Pappas, City Hall movie quote)

Hello, lovelies,

Here is something I can’t believe I’m writing today. I never thought I would live to see today.
Never in my wildest dreams. I feel a tingling in my wrists.

Almost everyone who knows me knows of my super long battle with severe, suicidal depression. I have suffered with long term mild/moderate depression for much of my life with recurrent severe, despairing, debilitating long episodes of depression on top of that. Day after day, year after year. It was not truly everyday. It would go away now & again & I would be truly happy. But it would always return.

Many days I even had great self esteem, I liked myself, loved myself even, had no problems, everything was beautiful. I had passions & interests. But I wanted to be dead. Then it would go away & I would be happy, sometimes for months then it would be back, maybe for days, maybe for months before happiness would return.

Telling people doesn’t faze me. When I’m currently dangerously suicidal I don’t tell people usually, out if fear of being put away.

But I will tell people about the vicious darkness that has consumed me. And I will tell people about Hope & Healing.

I’m not embarrassed by this disease and it’s not pretty but I won’t conceal it. I spent hours upon hours a day for many years just fantasizing about ending my life, then happiness, then despair again, I have come so close on many occasions when fear would stop me, fear that it wouldn’t work and I would just be sick, injured, or paralyzed…

Some days I would be happy but still have hours of despair in the middle. And sometimes for weeks/months, I had no depression at all.

I am generally very happy. But I still struggle with the severe episodes. Not as frequently or as long usually But they still occur.

But today is October 1st. My last serious/semi serious suicidal thought/urge was one year ago, October 2012. I cannot remember the exact day. But I know it was in October. Since then I have experienced excruciating episodes of despair, depression, sometimes, But I kept hope alive. Knowing it will end and the sun will rise again.

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I have been struggling for the last few days, feeling an episode coming on. I learned to usually detect impending episodes and be able to prevent a full blown one by monitoring and consciously changing my thinking and actions.

But it’s so hard. I keep feeling suicidal thoughts trying to emerge, not just brief, fleeting ones, but ones that I will begin to entertain and dwell on. Over a year ago they would have taken over by now. But somehow now I am managing keeping them at bay.

I know some of my triggers but it’s not always triggered by something necessarily, sometimes it just comes out of nowhere.

Last night while I laid it bed, I wanted to let it just have me, have its way with me and succumb to depression and those suicidal thoughts trying to creep into me. It takes energy and motivation that I just don’t always have or feel like working on. Sometimes I don’t even want to.

This is more than just a low mood but it’s not a full blown episode. This is like what I often had before, not depression but almost. I still haven’t had one of those suicidal thoughts. Something keeps me going. I keep feeling so hopeful then hopeless then hopeful then hopeless. Then hopeful again.

I keep telling myself after all this, I won’t let myself succumb. One year is a big accomplishment for me. Those thoughts and urges were so much an integral part of me for well over a decade, off and on, that it’s incredible to think I finally lived a year without them coming & going. And because of work I did for myself. This thing has symptoms that must be managed just like other illnesses. It flares up every now & then. It comes & goes. But less than it used to.

Ever since I was a young girl I kept wishing over and over and over that I could go one year without those suicidal thoughts & urges returning but I never saw it happening. Until now. Yup, mind=blown. Lol

Depression, suicide contemplation are traumatic. All of it. Even recovery or remission is traumatic. It’s weird. It’s beautiful. It’s freaky. It’s unfathomable. Not having those thoughts day in and day out for months.

And I never get used to it. Every second of every day, almost, I realize how amazing it is to not only be alive but to actually want to be alive. To be happy in general. To have a strong will and desire to live.

I am overwhelmed. When I’m in immense physical pain or sickness and it goes away, I have this amazing feeling, a conscious awareness of not being sick or in pain. But after a while I usually go back to no longer being aware of it, consciously. I get used to it again.

But not this.

This, this never gets old. Not being in an almost constant state of depression, not having thoughts and urges to kill myself everyday all throughout the day, it never gets old. Even after a year, I am almost always conscious of it.

So much zest. So much life. So much passion. This is how it would always be when my depression would lift before coming back but now happiness is more frequent.

I still get depressed. But in general, I am the happiest girl in the whole USA! Lol ;-D

So much hope.

Pain is real. But so is hope.

I want anyone who is feeling hopeless about anything at all whether it’s something seemingly serious or something which seems trivial to know that thoughts and feelings and perspectives change. It may take work and it may not change right this second but you won’t be sad forever. Hold on, you got this.

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Look where I was & look where I am. Look at me now! 😀

“Livin’ might mean takin’ chances but they’re worth takin’,
Lovin’ might be a mistake but it’s worth makin’,
Don’t let some hell bent heart leave you bitter,
When you come close to sellin’ out reconsider” ~ LeeAnn Womack

Go on, take chances. Live. Love. Maybe loving will be a mistake and you will be crushed, abandoned, rejected, ignored, devastated, not loved back…but love anyway. Live anyway.

Love doesn’t ask for changes, it doesn’t ask for favors or to be loved back, love doesn’t demand someone to think or feel or act a certain way. Love simply loves.

“You can be greater than anything that can happen to you. ” ~ Norman Vincent Peale.

“I am 99.9% sure it will never get better. But it’s the 0.1% that keeps me going. ” ~ Unknown

“If you’re going through hell, keep going.” -Winston Churchill

“If we weren’t all crazy we would go insane” ~ Jimmy Buffett

“Come Monday, it’ll be alright.” ~ Jimmy Buffett. (Jimmy Buffett mentioned that he wrote this song in a C.A. Hotel room when he was suicidal and it saved his life.& I am so thankful. ❤ .)

For all those who don’t feel as old as they are and never will

I rounded first never thought of the worst
As I studied the shortstops position
Crack went my leg like the shell of an egg
Someone call a decent physician
Im no pete rose, I can’t pretend
Though my mind is quite flexible, these brittle bones don’t bend

Im growing older but not up
My metabolic rate is pleasantly stuck
Let those winds of time blow over my head
Id rather die while Im living than live while Im dead” ~Jimmy Buffett

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Pour me somethin’ tall and strong
Make it a hurricane before I go insane
It’s only half past twelve, but I don’t care
It’s five o’clock somewhere

I could pay off my tab
Pour myself in a cab and be back to work before 2
At a moment like this, I can’t help but wonder
What would Jimmy Buffett do?

Jimmy Buffett spoken:
Funny you should ask, Alan
I’d say
Pour me somethin’ tall and strong
Make it a hurricane before I go insane
It’s only half past twelve, but I don’t care

Pour me somethin’ tall and strong
Make it a hurricane before I go insane
It’s only half past twelve, but I don’t care
He don’t care
And I don’t care
It’s five o’clock somewhere

Jimmy: What time zone am I on?
What country am I in?

Alan: It doesn’t matter

It’s five o’clock somewhere

Jimmy: It’s always on five in Margaritaville, come to think of it

Alan: I heard that

Jimmy: You’ve been there haven’t you?

Alan: Yes, Sir

Jimmy: I’ve seen your boat there

Alan: I’ve been to Margaritaville a few times

Jimmy: All right.
That’s good

Alan: Stumbled my way back

Jimmy: OK Just want to make sure you can keep it between the
navigational beacons

Alan: Between the buoys.
I got it

Jimmy: All right.

It’s five o’clock.
Let’s go somewhere

Alan: I’m ready.
Crank it up

Jimmy: Let’s get out of here

Alan: I’m gone” ~ Alan Jackson/Jimmy Buffett

This song never fails to uplift me.
And this one:

Well you know those times when you feel like
There’s a sign there on your back
That says I don’t mind if you kick me, seems like everybody has
Things go from bad to worse
You think it can’t get worse than that
And then they do

You step off the straight and narrow
And you don’t know where you are
Used the needle of your compass, to sew up your broken heart
Ask directions from a genie in a bottle of jim beam
And she lies to you
That’s when you learn the truth

If you’re goin’ through hell keep on going
Don’t slow down if you’re scared don’t show it
You might get out before the devil even knows you’re there

I’ve been deep down in that darkness
I’ve been down to my last match
Felt a hundred different deamons breathin’ fire down my back
And I knew that if I stumbled I’d fall right into the trap
That they were layin’

But the good news is there’s angels everywhere out on the street
Holdin’ out a hand to pull you back up on your feet
The one’s that you’ve been draggin’ for so long
You’re on your knees might as well be prayin’
Guess what I’m sayin’

If you’re goin’ through hell keep on going” Rodney Atkins

“I may be lonely but I’m never alone.” ~ Alice Cooper

” I fearlssly walk into battle
With a shine on my boots and my teeth
Never flinch, never blink, never rattle
My blood is like ice underneath

Oh, I’m the reincarnation of patten
And I’ve got Hannibal’s heart in my chest
God told me I would have rivaled
Alexander the great at his best.” ~ Alice Cooper


But you and me ain’t no movie stars.
What we are is what we are.
We share a bed,
Some lovin’,
And TV, yeah.
And that’s enough for a workin’ man.
What I am is what I am.
And I tell you, babe,
Well that’s enough for me.” ~ Alice Cooper

Good day to you all.
P.s. This auto correct on my phone is more insane than I am, constantly changing words to weird things, even changing words to completely different words & bizarre symbols out of nowhere and spelling correct words incorrectly. Luckily I usually catch it before hitting send but occasionally I don’t and am embarrassed if I am writing to someone I don’t know well. The worst is when it changes a word to a different version. It changes “their” to “they’re” so embarrassing! Lol. It recently changed “unfazed” to “phased”! Seriously?! Shit’s off the walls! Thanks auto correct! Thanks a lot, I just love being mortified! It wrote this one day “jesus_20267475.html”. I saved it to show people. Lol I wrote some ordinary word and auto correct deleted it and wrote that thing! Whhhaatt?! Yup, my phone has lost its marbles! I guess we’re made for each other.

;-D. Remember, when you get the choice to sit it out or dance, I hope you dance.

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Blue skies ahead.

Hope lives here.

If we weren’t all crazy we would go insane

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(my dog Koko after she got done eating a vanilla cream horn treat.   she has cream on her little face. Lol silly girl!)

” And I’ll never be the same without you here
I’ll live alone and hide myself behind my tears
And I’ll never be the same without your love
I’ll live alone and try so hard to rise above” ~ Christopher Cross

I’m ready. 

Ready to start laughing again. Those good belly laughs I used to laugh almost constantly every night and day for as long as I can remember. Until my dog died. Three months ago.  

I stopped laughing then. I wouldn’t let myself. When I found something amusing as I usually do I would quickly remind myself, “Wait! You can’t laugh, Koko is dead!”. And I would become somber. Or apathetic. Or grief stricken. Or just stop. And go about my day. Not laughing. 

I wouldn’t really say or think those words but the concept of my sweet dog being dead would creep into my brain destroying any desire I had to laugh, any ounce of amusement I began to experience .

Ever since I was little, in elementary school, probably even before, I have been very easily amused over everything and nothing. I laugh more than anyone I have ever known.

I got in trouble in class often for laughing out loud uncontrollably at kids being bad.

My mom yells at me sometimes for laughing during inappropriate situations like when my dog eats out of the cat’s litter box. Lol

Once, my therapist asked me if it is some sort of coping mechanism or cover up for Anxiety. And my answer is NO. I am genuinely amused.   Just a silly, giggly girl. I usually always find something to laugh about even when I am unhappy or depressed or angry!

There are occasions when I have been super furious at someone but still amused and laughing uncontrollably and I would be so pissed at myself for laughing because who is going to take my anger seriously when I’m laughing my ass off?! Lol 😀

But when Koko died in April I stopped laughing. After a few days I started to smile and laugh a little bit and be slightly amused but those serious belly laughs have been extremely rare.

Grief never goes away. Grief over a human friend or family member or grief over a fur or feather or reptile…… friend dying is forever etched in our hearts.

But for many people it eventually heals to a point where it’s not always raw or always the main feeling everyday. It appears and reappears and on some occasions even decades later, maybe it resurfaces at full force and then subsides again. 

It doesn’t have to hinder or taint happiness.

My grief has for the most part taken the back burner and I can still be happy and I even eventually began feeling mostly like myself again. But still there has been some kind of damper put on this life of mine.

There will always be a part of me missing. Always. My dog wasn’t just my “pet”. She was my friend, my family.

And this death hurts me so much it’s unbelievable.   

But this death is somewhat easier than what many people have to endure with a loss. Koko was old and lived a whole dog life and 12 years with me. And she was not sick, in pain, or suffering when she died. My mom and dad were there with her and watched her take her last breath.

She began to slow down days before her death and her breathing changed and we hoped so desperately that she wouldn’t begin to suffer and that if she must die soon that it would be easy and quick. I couldn’t bear to think of her suffering or being euthanized by an animal doctor as my mom mentioned may have to happen.

 
Some dogs die alone, in pain, lost, young, and abandoned, never knowing true love. Some are so bad off they are euthanized.  

But not Koko. She was loved by us for 12 years. We celebrated her every birthday, bought her gifts every holiday, let her sleep in bed, on the sofa, she had other fur friends. I bought her treats home every night after work. The girl was spoiled!! 😉

And she died old, quickly, and naturally.

And for all of that I am so blessed. Seriously what more can I ask for?!

It does not take away my grief.   But grief should never go away anyway. Grief is part of living and loving and when one life is so impacted by another grief is the result of loss.

A few days ago I began laughing again a lot
 Throughout the day like before. And it has been continuing everyday now.

And I realized I haven’t been my giggly self for so long. I felt different but could not put my finger on it. Then one night I laughed hysterically over song lyrics and realized I haven’t laughed quite like that in ages!

I think after three months my grief is finally beginning to heal more.

It’s important to remember that it’s ok to laugh even when someone else has died or is dying or experiencing tragedy or pain or illness.

I have a tendency to feel guilt laughing when I hear about, see on the news, or know someone who died or is experiencing tragedy.

But me/you/someone  not laughing and intentionally not having fun does not help the tragedy in the world. It just results in another unhappy person or one who is not fully living.

I can laugh. It won’t hurt Koko. If I choose not to laugh, it won’t bring her back. It HURTS to let go. Hurts desperately. But it’s ok.

Just because you laugh doesn’t mean you are cold or don’t care or are forgetting or ignoring the death or pain of others.

You are still living. It’s your life. It’s ok. It’s necessary to move forward.

I never wanted to admit this but a few days after Koko died my pain was so severe I thought I wanted to die too.

I felt nothing but anger every day and pain.
I wasn’t angry at anyone specifically.   There was no one to be angry at.

But now I don’t feel angry. I feel blessed. I am blessed. 

Two nights ago I was looking through older pictures trying to find one of my dog, Isis Summerjo, and I accidentally saw like 100 of Koko in my phone and I felt as if I was suffocating and drowning all over again. 

I have only been able to look at pictures of her and talk about her on certain occasions when I felt enabled to do so. And then I accidentally saw them and I clicked each and every one I saw and looked.  It hurt but I smiled and realized how much stronger I am now.

A brief fleeting thought of me wanting to die ran across my brain. But I told myself.   What good will dying do? Will it bring Koko back? No. Will it end my pain? Yes but it will also end everything else. And I don’t need that.

There is always hope.

My life is more good than pain.

And even when it doesn’t feel that way.

There’s always hope.

I am so skilled now more than ever at being able to see the good amidst the bad. The positive in the negative. The hope in the darkness. The healing in the hurt.

I can even feel happy while depressed.

Also, 

 It’s now July! You know what that means right!? Nine months. I haven’t been suicidal or even thought about it seriously in nine months. That’s the longest I have ever been able to go without those compulsions and thoughts in……FOURTEEN years!!!!!! Fourteen years!!!!!!! In case you don’t know, I wrote about this in previous blog entries here.   I suffer with clinical depression. I have suffered with mental illness since I was eleven years old and at 21 years old I was hospitalized and was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder with Psychotic Features. I was hospitalized again and participate in psychotherapy and drug therapy.  I struggled for years 
and in 2010 I truly started to get better. Four months is the longest I have ever been able to go without being suicidal since I was 13 years old. And usually not even that long.   Until now.  But now I’m back and better than ever! 😀

I changed my ways. My thinking, my attitude, my life.   And I am going strong. I celebrate living everyday.

I hope everyone will find hope and love even in pain and darkness.

I am ready to start laughing again. To start living again.

Xoxo Kim

P.s. Wondering what lyrics and songs are so hilarious?! Lol!   Check these out!!

“My head hurts , my feet stink” by Jimmy Buffett. Just the song title has me rofl

http://www.lyricsfreak.com/j/jimmy+buffett/my+head+hurts+my+feet+stink+and+i+dont+love+jesus_20267475.html

“Changes In Latitudes, Changes In Attitudes”
Jimmy Buffett
“With these changes in latitudes, changes in attitudes
Nothing remains quite the same
With all of my running, and all of my cunning
If I couldn’t laugh I just would go insane
If we couldn’t laugh we just would go insane
If we weren’t all crazy we would go insane”

http://www.lyricsfreak.com/j/jimmy+buffett/changes+in+latitudes+changes+in+attitudes_20071889.html

“Growing older not up”

“I’m growing older but not up
My metabolic rate is pleasantly stuck
Let those winds of time blow over my head
Id rather die while Im living than live while Im dead”
~ Jimmy Buffett 

http://www.lyricsfreak.com/j/jimmy+buffett/growing+older+but+not+up_20071897.html

“The Asshole song”

“Were you born an asshole 
Or did you work at it your whole life? 
Either way, it worked out fine 
‘Cause you’re an asshole tonight “
~
Jimmy Buffett 

http://www.lyricsfreak.com/j/jimmy+buffett/the+asshole+song_20214732.html

And I hope you find a bit of inspiration in some of these lyrics as well.

Here’s a pic I made using an app, it’s one of those “when you see it” pics. Lol

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