Tag Archive | jokes

For shitz & gigglez ;-D

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(this isn’t my picture! But sexy, isn’t it?! My mom sent me it! Lol)

Here’s a few hilarious jokes! I hope they give you some good belly laughs! ;-D

“When Grandma Goes To Court” 

“Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren’t prepared for the answer. 

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked “Mrs. Jones, do you know me?” She responded, “Why yes I do know you, since you were a little boy, and frankly you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a big shot when you haven’t the brains to realize you’ll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes I know you. 

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney? 

She replied, “Why yes I do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He’s lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem, He can’t build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.” 

The defense attorney nearly died. 

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice said: 

‘If either of you idiots ask her if she knows me, I’ll send you straight to the electric chair.'”

Lol! 😀

“Why did you have to die?”

“A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave.
The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?”
The first man approached him and said, ‘Sir, I don’t wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I’ve ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?’
The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, ‘My wife’s first husband.'”

😀

“A woman was sipping on a glass of wine, while sitting on the patio with her husband, and she says, “I love you so much, I don’t know how I could ever live without you.”
Her husband asks, “Is that you or the wine talking?”
She replies, “It’s me…talking to the wine.”

😀

“Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together. The first one tells her friends, “My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him ‘Father.'” The second Catholic woman chirps, “My son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, ‘Your Grace.'” The third Catholic woman says smugly, “My son is a Cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, ‘Your Eminence.'” The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her this subtle “Well…?” She replies, “My son is a gorgeous, 6’2, hard bodied stripper. When he walks into a room, people say, ‘Oh my God…'”

😀

“A woman and her husband did not get along. One day he said to her, “If it wasn’t for my money, that new television wouldn’t be here. If it wasn’t for my money, that grand piano wouldn’t be here. If it wasn’t for my money, this house wouldn’t be here.” she replied “If it wasn’t for your money, I wouldn’t be here.”

These are jokes I came across some years ago and they never get old! ;-D

And here is a funny sticker I got out of a machine last night!

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and…..

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(this isn’t my photo either)

Much luv to you!! 😀

Xoxo Kim ❤

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Sick Bastards & a few other things <3

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This isn’t a book review to tell you how great some books are! It’s to let you know how great the books’ titles are, which if you keep reading you will see for yourself!

Here are a few things that have me in stitches today and hopefully you can find some of them amusing too! 😀

Amazon sent me a book recommendation for a book called “Sick Bastards” and that is hilarious. Matt Shaw is the author. 

I was reading some of the reviews and someone wrote “Matt Shaw is one sick bastard” and this made me laugh harder. 

It’s said to be a great book but with an exceptional amount of gore. It’s only 99 cents for now. I don’t know if I will buy the book. I’m not the biggest fan of gore although I have read gory books I love but those also have more than just gore. Maybe this one does too, I’m not sure. People said it’s a great story. I’m thinking of buying the book just for the cover because I do judge books by their covers. And it sure is worth the 99 cents!

He also has a book called “SickER Bastards” and one called “F*cked up shorts.” No, I don’t have any hesitation about writing (or saying) the word FUCK, it’s just that the book is called “F*cked…” I never quite understood why people write curse words if they’re only going to censor them. I think most of us know what they’re trying to say and the concept is the same whether they spell out the word or skip some letters.  Guess it just takes a certain kind of balls to go all the way and spell it out! 
Maybe on some social media places we can be reported for writing the words out! I hope WordPress isn’t one! ;-D

He also has books called “Snuff,” “P*o*r*n,” and “Home Video.”

Do I even want to know?

It says they are all extreme horror, sex, and violence. 

Umm, eww, no thanks. 

and btw, his book called “p.o.r.n” doesn’t really have the stars or dots in the title. I put them because the word “p.o.r.n” on blogs tends to attract p.o.r.n.o spam and p.o.r.n.o blogs begin stalking us. I have nothing against p.o.r.n but I don’t want it accidentally coming through in my comments because not everyone who reads my content may want to see it and it may be viruses too. My sister looked up some funny dr. seuss book for adults before when we were out with my friend and then her accounts were being attacked by p*o*r*n0 stuff all night! lmao! It was hilarious but she wasn’t too amused after a while!

Anyway, this Matt Shaw is starting to seem like he may actually be one sick bastard! Lol 

I LOVE the name of his books though!

My pup, Woody, a little chihuahua, helped himself to one of my dad’s crackers out of the pack and he knew he was doing something wrong and kept turning his little head real fast back and forth to make sure no one was coming to take his cracker! It was the most adorable thing! He’s a silly boy. ❤ 

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This is Woody.

He has a big belly and he’s a very snuggly boy, sleeps with me every night and he’s so bad! He chews everything!  

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Yes, he did that to the shade. A little thing like this can do this much damage. I have five other dogs so he gets a little help with his destruction once in a while but he’s the main culprit.

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Does he look like a stoner or what!?

My mom calls him the little porker. ❤

Also, this:

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Lol sorry, Republicans but this is funny! 

(not my photo)

Some years ago, I remember outside a church where election polls were being held, a dog tried going in when someone was walking him and the people working the polls were joking and said “don’t let the dog in he’s a republican…!” lol 😀

And did you think I would let the dems get off easy? Never! Heres one for them too:

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I really do sleep like this!

;-D

(also not my pic)

I think political jokes are hilarious even if it’s poking fun at “my side” of an issue. Lol

And here’s a little something to piss off the atheists.

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(not my picture)

WHY ATHEISM(1)

(yes, this is totally me)

(but this is totally not my picture!)

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(also not my picture!)

Looks like I have it in for the atheists today! 

You can go easy on the ass-kicking, atheists, I’m one of you! Lol ;-D

Here is a funny picture that is not mine:

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Poor tin man, he doesn’t have a heart and now it seems he doesn’t have joints or muscles either. ❤

And here's me:

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This is me a few days ago but I look like a little kid playing dress up trying to look older. Recently someone seriously asked me if I graduated high school yet! 

My mom said I look eight years old in this picture, especially with my “innocent” pose. And she thinks it’s hilarious. It’s ridiculous. Women are often known for wanting to look younger than their age. I was never one of those women. I want to look my age. People have told me it’s a compliment to have people think I look younger. But even for women who want to look younger, do you really want to look like a child?! Come on now!

Looking a few years younger is one thing, looking a few DECADES younger is quite another!  

Lol 

And here I am again! 

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And one last pic of me:

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What’s it with me taking pics in the closet at work? Lol who knows?! 

But at least I look a tad older here (I hope.).

Ok, I think I’m done being obnoxious for the day. Here are two sweet love songs. Universal Love songs, not romantic ones. 

Keep Loving – mobile

Keep Loving – desktop

“Whether you got a family or single parentin’-
Or your Asian, African, European or American
Whether you pray-to-God or atheist is irrelevant
Cuz what you got inside is the same as all your brethren
So keep loving,
It’ll change your heart, it’ll change your mind
And then you’ll start to change your eyes
So keep loving
Everything you touch, everyone you see
Will soon become, your family”

Love One Another – mobile

Love One Another – desktop

“Love one another
Take your brother by the hand
The world will watch in wonder
Love will make them understand
Love one another
And your love will change the world”

Much love & laughter to you, I love you no matter what your views are, Republican, Democrat, Muslim, Arab, Christian, Atheist, rich, poor, homeless, whatever ethnicity, skin color, physical appearance, weight, size, sexual orientation, gender, gender identity…let’s take the messages in these songs to heart and let’s all laugh together at our own selves and each other, in a playful way, not a mocking way. We’re all in this together. ❤ ❤

😀

Xoxo Kim 

Laughter, here, there, & everywhere ;-p

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If we couldn’t laugh, we would all go insane.” ~ Jimmy Buffett

The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.
Mark Twain 

Laughter & amusement have always come so easily to me. Ever since I was a little girl, I laugh so much at everything because I’m genuinely amused. I find dumb jokes hilarious & laughing is the thing that got me in trouble the most in school because I laughed at other kids being bad.  

I laugh a lot when I’m by myself also. I love my own company.  
I love being around lots of people but don’t mind being alone every once in a while.

I remember random things that happened years ago, like when I fell in someone’s throw up in fourth grade in the coat room at the end of the school day and my mom was so disgusted and had to wash all my stuff, and I burst out laughing. I find the same jokes & movies & memories hilarious, over and over.

And I’m not just talking about a little chuckle!   I’m talking about full blown belly laughs that hurt and just won’t end.

It’s a true gift. But it does get me into trouble when I laugh in inappropriate situations.  

Bittersweet. 

When I saw the movie “What Happens in Vegas” in the theatre I laughed so hard, so long that I literally believed I was going insane.   Lol. And it did not help that back then I just got out of a mental hospital right before seeing the movie! I thought I was losing it…..again! lmao

But it was a very healing experience. 

When I saw the movie “American Reunion” in the theatre with my friend, everyone was laughing at some scenes and I was the one laughing long after everyone else stopped. Uncontrollably.   Embarrassing. Lol

I can even be genuinely amused at things when I’m unhappy and even sometimes very depressed.   There’s something so healing about laughing and being amused. It brings me so much hope. 

Not only does it feel amazing, it’s just the fact that knowing that I can still laugh that deeply and be genuinely amused even in the midst of chaos and pain.

It’s a feeling that everything really is ok. It’s hope and healing & happiness. 

I laugh almost everyday at something silly.

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I think many people don’t laugh enough. And not because they aren’t the kind of people who love to laugh, not because they need to lighten up. I think they don’t have the opportunities coming to them as naturally as I do.   I don’t know most people but I’m fairly certain that most people aren’t as easily amused as I am over every little stupid thing.

In fact, I can be quite annoying sometimes with my amusement when others just can’t see what I’m so amused about.

My playful, joking personality often clashes with my little sister’s more reserved/mature personality. My mom & sister say I joke too much and too immaturely. 

But that’s just the way I am.

But I know there are people who are naturally just as light and cheerful and silly as I am, just not as easily amused. And I think laughter can heal them. So what to do?

Identify your kind of humor. Think about when you do have those deep, belly laughs.   What usually provokes them? Certain kinds of jokes? Then go online and look for those kinds of jokes frequently. A certain person? See if you can be around that person more often.

How about iPhone autocotrects?! Those things are hilarious beyond words! I laughed myself to sleep one night reading those! ;-D

My auto correct is off its rocker too. Lol!

Funny videos? Look on YouTube for hilarious videos!   

Or go to Google images for funny pictures/memes.

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Other people’s embarrassing stories?

Check out Fml stories online! Or the Fml app for some phones!

Whatever it is that amuses you silly, if it doesn’t frequently come to you, how about you go to it instead?! And this can apply to many aspects of life. When something doesn’t come to us, we can go out looking for it.

That’s one thing I’m still learning. I’m not very bold and outgoing and am forever just waiting for people and things and opportunities to come to me. But that won’t always happen. So we have to get going and pursue the things we need & want.
When opportunity knocks, open the door

But

If opportunity doesn’t knock, build a door.”
Milton Berle 

I discovered a photo distortion app on my phone and am having wayyyy too much fun with it! Lol

I got a serious case of the giggles! ;-p

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You can turn painful situations around through laughter. If you can find humor in anything, even poverty, you can survive it.
Bill Cosby 

Here are some hilarious things to check out!

Hilarious auto corrects:

http://www.damnyouautocorrect.com/

http://wtfautocorrects.tumblr.com/

Comic relief for depressed/suicidal people:

http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/jokes.htm

FML stories:

http://fmylife.tumblr.com/

Funny panda video:

Desktop:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ddZtpS_brOI

Mobile:

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=ddZtpS_brOI&app=m

Funny Jimmy Buffett songs :

Desktop:
The Asshole Song

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f_TyrEUpZ8Y

Mobile:

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=f_TyrEUpZ8Y

Changes in Latitudes, Changes in Attitudes

Desktop: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O2_lU3adj5k

Mobile:

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=IpsTRbJKoa0

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I hear laughter in the rain
Walking hand in hand with the one I love
Ooh, how I love the rainy days
And the happy way I feel inside” ~
Neil Sedaka – Laughter In The Rain

Xoxo Kim

Laugh Out Loud :-) :-D

I tried to post this sooner but it wouldn’t post for some reason. My phone service hasn’t been working good because of the weather so I think that may have something to do with it.

 

Anyway, here it is! 🙂

 

Laugh out loud and get those good belly laughs on until it hurts!! The best kind of pain!!

😉

Feeling so amused that you can’t stop laughing to the point it physically hurts is one of the most amazing feelings in the world!!! Those belly laughs often have the tendency to pull us out of any low moods or negative thinking.

I have been in extremely low moods, even depressed and suicidal moods, when I felt nothing could pull me out of it. When suddenly I would come across something so funny, it would have me laughing hysterically and lighten my heavy heart.  

I often feel amused even when I’m very unhappy and the amusement and laughter lightens my heavy heart and brightens my day and makes me a little bit happier. Laughter often really is the best medicine. Find what amuses you and get a dose every now and then, preferably everyday! Look for funny things everywhere you go. Keep a light attitude. Amusement/smiles/laughter can even reduce physical pain.

“The therapeutic value of laughter has been recognized for centuries, but it was first popularized in the United States in the 1970s, when author Norman Cousins recounted his experience overcoming a painful case of arthritis by watching funny television programs like “Candid Camera” and Marx Brothers movies. In his book about the experience, “Anatomy of an Illness,” Cousins reported that ten minutes of laughter provided him with two hours of 

anesthetic-free pain relief.”

 

http://www.thechangeblog.com/cope-with-anything/

 

Here is a page with hilarious content that I came across one day. It is a suicide prevention page with a humor section to help lighten the moods of people in deep emotional pain.

http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/jokes.htm

 

And here are a few court room bloopers listed on the page:

Q. Did he pick the dog up by the ears?

A. No.

Q. What was he doing with the dogs ears?

A. Picking them up in the air.

Q. Where was the dog at this time?

A. Attached to the ears.

🙂

 

Q. When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?

MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.

 

😀

 

Q. And lastly, Jimmy, all your responses must be oral. O.K.? What school do you go to?

A. Oral.

Q. How old are you?

A. Oral.

 

I hope you find these as hilarious as I do! 😉

Lol

 

http://www.thechangeblog.com/cope-with-anything/?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+TheChangeBlog+%28The+Change+Blog%29

 

Smile, lovies, the world looks better that way. ❤ 

🙂

 

X0xo Kim 😀Image