Tag Archive | life lessons

Perfection 💜

I’m Beautiful – Bette Midler

“Well, I woke up one morning
Flossed my teeth and decided
‘Damn, I’m fierce!'”

There’s a movie I watched recently, called, “A Perfect Ending.” It’s about a wife who is not in a happy marriage with her husband. They were never truly happy together and she never felt passion in their relationship.
There are lots of sexual scenes in this movie, just in case anyone (sex repulsed asexuals, for example) needs a content warning. And some of the scenes seem to involve BDSM(very brief and hazy scenes if I remember correctly). There is nothing wrong with this; it’s all consenting adults. But anyone who has been traumatized in any way may be triggered by any scene that appears to be an assault scene even if it’s not. For anyone who doesn’t know, BDSM(Bondage, Discipline, Sadism, Masochism, Dominance, Submission ?) , is an activity that some people like to do where they tie each other up or one ties the other up, and scream and stuff, hitting and strangling may be involved, usually for sexual purposes, but some people like to leave the sexual aspect out and just hit/strangle each other and stuff(or one hits/strangles the other) just for thrills without the sexual aspect. lol It’s all consensual so it’s all good! If I was going to do that, I would leave the sexual out of it. lol They may be couples or groups of people involved. They can be any genders. If I was going to try it, I would choose a woman to be dominant over me. I could never hit her or strangle her even if she wanted it. I don’t have it in me. I don’t want to be hit either though. Or choked to death. lol But I would take it before I would dish it out. They have a safe word that gets the dominant person to stop the strangling and stuff. It’s something that is not “No, stop, don’t” because they scream those words to make it feel real. So when they really want someone to stop, they have a word they say. I don’t know much about BDSM at all, just a very limited idea. People into BDSM are just ordinary people with a kink; any kind of person can be into it.

Hopefully, I am not saying anything disrespectful or completely inaccurate since I am not very educated on the topic.

Some people get a thrill out of inflicting pain upon a consenting adult or being the target of pain inflicted by someone else. Like I said, nothing wrong with it; whatever floats your boat as long as it’s all consensual and adults. But someone who has actually been assaulted before or experienced any kind of trauma may be triggered seeing someone tied up and screaming even if the people like it and are consenting. Our brain can’t tell the difference. And it does look scary.

Anyway, this movie is not about that at all. There is just like one or two very brief scenes I think, involving it. So just a heads up!

And there is one scene I don’t understand. It is a flashback or memory that looks like an actual assault scene(not real, of course, but real in the movie, not BDSM) , just in case anyone needs a trigger warning.

The movie also involves terminal illness. When I struggled with health anxiety for six months in 2019, I could not watch movies involving cancer. My health anxiety started out as a horrific irrational (irrational because I obsessed almost every second of every day for six months and had no true reason to believe I was sick) fear of melanoma then turned to fear of all cancer in general. Someone in the movie has terminal cancer and dies at the end. It is made clear in the beginning that someone is sick and is running out of options but we do not know who until the end. We just hear a doctor talking and see pill bottles and a cemetery stone and a casket with flowers in different scenes. We also see a paper saying someone has malignant melanoma that has metastatized(sp?? I dont care to look up the spelling) and is inoperable.

I won’t give away any very big spoilers but if anyone wants to watch without knowing anymore details, skip this post for now!

Mini spoiler warning
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The wife, who is very rich, financially, mentions to her friends that she is not and has never really been in love with her husband of many years. She only married him because she was a single mom of a toddler and wanted security. She mentions that she wants passion like they have in their relationship and sexual pleasure, which she has never experienced. So they suggest that she gets a callgirl and hooks up with her. They think maybe she needs a woman; they are certain that women are better lovers than men. lol (I wouldn’t know but sure they are right! 🤣😁)

(Also, I know not everyone is either a man or a woman – there are some who are non-binary or a combination of male, female, or other…In the movie they were talking about men & women though so that is why I only mentioned them. I’m not excluding anyone)

So she gets involved with a much younger and stunningly beautiful callgirl. At first it’s meant to be strictly bussiness. The woman pays the other woman for sexual pleasure and the other woman gladly accepts the money. But they soon fall madly in love with each other and it’s no longer about business. The callgirl, Paris, quits taking on other clients and wants to stay with this one woman, whose husband has no idea she is cheating. Her husband has never tried to make her feel loved and cares much about appearance and perfection. The wife has felt very insecure for years.

The younger woman, Paris, is very loving and wise.
There is a scene where the two women are laying in bed together and the young woman is stroking the older woman’s skin. She reaches for her stomach and Rebecca, the other woman, stops her.
This is a brief and beautiful conversation they have during this scene, packed with wisdom.
Rebecca: “Don’t; I hate my stomach. I haven’t been to the gym in way too long. I used to have a pretty good body before kids and menopause. I never looked like you though. Wow.
Paris: (Referring to her own physical beauty) This, this doesn’t mean anything. Rebecca.
Rebecca: I hate that I did this. (I think she’s referring to a body modification, maybe implants, but not sure)
Paris: Why did you?
Rebecca: It was a birthday present from Mason. He loves perfection. It’s sort of the one thing we have in common. I’ve spent my whole life trying to be perfect. I never felt good enough, or thin enough, pretty enough, smart enough.
Paris: All of the things that make us not perfect are what make us so perfectly who we are. That’s who you are, Rebecca. Perfection.

Isn’t this beautiful? A great reminder to us all!

It’s a sweet & beautiful love story if you ignore the fact that she’s cheating on her husband. lol Not that this makes it ok but her husband is not the best; he’s not very loving to her; their marriage is stagnant, and worst of all, he does not think of or treat her daughter as his own even though he brought her up since she was a baby. He only regards the younger brothers as his since they are biologically his. I would leave him just for that. If someone is important to us, I believe their kids should be too. If I have a friend with kids, I love her kids automatically. Also, I don’t have much experience with human children but I cannot imagine bringing up a child and not loving the child like my own and regarding the child like my own. I’m a pet nanny and I love all the furballs like my own n they are not mine in any way at all.

I love the character, Paris, the callgirl. She’s intelligent and wise and sexy and confident. She’s also compassionate. She experienced something traumatic and devastating, previously. Some may have a serious issue with her since a married woman is cheating on her husband with Paris and Paris knows she is married. But if you can forget that little detail, you may just fall in love with her. lol 😍

Whenever I watch a movie that is especially packed with wisdom or has a scene in it with a wise or beautiful message, I love to share!
So the message here is we are all beautiful, especially because of our flaws and perfect because of our imperfections. And while the physical beauty of a person is pleasing, it is not important and actually means nothing.

This does not mean not to get all dolled up or cosmetic surgery if we want and not take pleasure in someone else’s or our own beauty, just that there are more important aspects of a person. Of course beauty, hair, makeup salons are all good! I love looking at beautiful women and I follow many fashion and makeup accounts! But I know a good personality, a loving heart, is more pleasing than a pretty face or banging body. Also, more potential to be longer lasting.

I hope you are having a beautiful day or night wherever in the world you are! ❤

Xoxo Kim

Actions speak…❤

“Now I wanna tell you of a great love
It will light up
It will surely light up darkened worlds
If you just believe
Stoned love”

Stoned Love – The Supremes

There’s a man I was trying to avoid when I was out for work. I have nothing against him; he’s just not good news. lol Today, when I saw him, I turned around and began going a different way and he began yelling to me loudly, “Well fuck you too you fucking conceited bitch!!!” and he was yelling a whole slew of other insults at me all the way up the street. Strangers were turning to look at us.

I was very amused. And also very inspired by the word “too” in his one sentence “Well fuck you too…”

I never said “fuck you” to him and was not even thinking it. I was merely trying to avoid a less than pleasant encounter. As we can see, I did not succeed! I probably provoked an even less pleasant one than if I would not have turned to run!

The way he said “too” made it seem like I said it first. And maybe I did even though it was unintentionally and not verbally. We “speak” in ways that are not always verbal/language. Our actions say things just the same. And we may not always realize what our actions are saying to others or to what extent.

Turning my back on one of my brothers in this life/another sentient being, no matter the reason, is not very kind seeming or very pleasant to the one it is happening to. I was not trying to be unkind but was also not even thinking of being kind either. I was not thinking of the man at all. I was thinking of myself wanting to avoid something I thought I would not find pleasant.

What could I have done better? I could have looked at him and smiled and maybe even said hello, then be on my way. I could be very wrong but he does not seem to be the kind of person who would appreciate a warm smile or friendly hello. But I do not know him at all and this is pure judgment on my part. And even though it’s a completely neutral observation, based on things I have seen about him previously, not a negative judgment, who am I to judge at all and act on it in a less than pleasant way? For all I know, my friendly smile or warm hello, may inspire happiness in him, maybe joy, or a feeling of being accepted. He seems to be generally very unhappy and seems to have a difficult life. I have seen him have outbursts on people before for not doing him favors when he asked. And even if my smile and hello would not touch him for the better, the point is just to be loving and try. It puts positive energy out into the uni-verse. We can never go wrong with an act of kindness even if it is not received or appreciated as we intend or hope for.

There is nothing wrong with avoiding people we do not wish to encounter. It’s just we can still be mindful & kind about it. And there may even be occasions it’s necessary for our safety, to avoid someone. This was not the case here though. I don’t think he’s a dangerous man, just not the most pleasant seeming.

As he was yelling, I was laughing and thought about turning around to smile at him and show him I have nothing against him, that we’re in this life together. But I was afraid my laughing and amused smile may be misinterpreted as arrogance or me mocking him. He already perceives me as conceited. I am just someone who is very easily amused. I laugh at everything. It was not about mocking him or not caring about his unhappy situation. It just seemed funny yelling at and cursing someone out in public and a bunch of curious strangers turning to look. How dramatic! But he doesn’t know that. So I kept going. My back stayed turned on him as he slung all the insults he could come up with.

But this interaction reminds me to be more mindful and loving not only with my words but with my actions, even when there is something I wish to avoid. Our actions say things to each other. I wasn’t truly trying to say “fuck you” but my action did say something very unpleasant. It said something like “I want to avoid you…you’re not worth my time…I would rather not deal with you today…I don’t care to see you…” so basically yeah, turning my back said “fuck you.”

Just that one word that he uttered to me, “too,” said so much to me. It holds so much wisdom, he may not have fully, consciously realized but he did realize to some degree. In this moment, he was wiser than I was. He was letting me know that I said so much without saying anything at all.

“What would you do if my heart was torn in two
More than words to show you feel
That your love for me is real” ❤

More Than Words – Extreme

I’m so very thankful for the life lesson. Imagine how many people will be touched for the better, in the future, by the wisdom he revealed to me. It’s really true, anyone can be our teacher if only we let them. A seemingly difficult person, a loving person, a child, a homeless person, an animal, an insect, an old person, any situation…Let us be alert in each moment and interaction, with anyone, and welcome any bit of inspiration and wisdom they offer us.

And let us be more gentle and kind in our words, thoughts, & actions. They touch others for better or worse. Let it be for the better. Let’s smile at each other more, say hello, make eye contact, acknowledge each other, and validate each other’s existence, be more welcoming of one another, even those who may seem unpleasant or difficult. It doesn’t mean we have to hang out with someone for an hour, go over and have a chat, or become close friends. All we have to do is look at each other and smile. 🙂 Let our actions say, I see you, I love you, I acknowledge you, I hear you, I am you, we’re in this life, in this love together…❤

Thank you, Brother of mine, for your life lesson. When I see you again, I won’t turn my back.

Much love & light to all,

xoxo Kim ❤

Krampus👹🎅💚🎄

“On a cold winter night much like this
It was almost christmas but this christmas was darker, less cheerful, but i still believed in Santa, in magic, and miracles, and the hope that we could find joy again.
But our village had given up on miracles and on each other. They had forgotten the spirit of christmas, the sacrifice of giving, n my family was no different. I tried to help them to believe again but we were no longer the loving family i remembered. They too had given up. N eventually so did I.”

I love Christmas, the whole holiday season, and scary movies! Krampus is a combination of both! Very Christmasy but also scary. There is something about the concept of Krampus that I find to be inspiring. He is supposed to be an ancient spirit who comes to inflict punishment upon those who have lost their Christmas spirit or those who just don’t care about the goodness of the season. Even though he is evil, he’s like a reminder to never stop seeing the beauty in the holiday season.

If we give up on love, lose hope, have a cold, stingy attitude, not welcome the beauty around us, we may not be punished by an ancient evil spirit but we will be punished by our own head/mind.

I am in the Christmas spirit all year long and especially when it’s the actual holiday season!
I am all for the decorations, the happy holidays & merry christmases, the snow and holiday songs, the sappy movies, the giving, the cafes with all the seasonal flavored lattes and hot cocoa, cookies, candles, the cold, the early nightfall, fireplaces, cozy pj’s; Im all decked out in Christmas pjs and leggings and shirts.

I have always loved the bell in the Krampus movie! It’s the bell he leaves after he snatches non-believers/bah humbug people into the underworld. This year, I ordered a replica of it! It’s just like the one in the movie! At first I wasnt sure if I would get the Polar Express bell(Polar Express is a cute, inspiring, family/kid oriented Christmas movie about never stopping our belief in Santa Claus n never losing the Christmas spirit so sort of similar to Krampus but without the evil spin lol) but decided to get the Krampus one because I love the horror aspect of it and love that the Krampus bell has his name on it. And it looks ancient! I love the German pronounciation, the way the grandma in the movies says it, like Crumb-pus, like a crumb of food. I think most people say it like Cramp-us, like a leg cramp. Lol Anyway, I pronounce it the German way even though I have an American accent.

“I knew santa claus was not coming this year. Instead it was a much darker, more ancient spirit. The shadow of Santa Claus. It was Krampus. And as he had for thousands of years, Krampus came not to reward but to punish, not to give but to take, he n his helpers. I could only listen as they dragged my family into the underworld knowing that I would be next. But Krampus didnt take me that night. He left me as a reminder of what happens when hope is lost, when belief is forgotten, and the Christmas spirit dies.”

These are a couple quotes out of the movie. A reminder to not lose hope, not give up on love, to keep giving & believing all year long. A lot of people find the holiday to be stressful, sad, depressing, dumb…and whatever else. If we stop for a moment and look around though, we can see goodness and beauty in it. If nothing else, look at the beauty of all the lights in the darkess of nightfall and the cheerful decorations that people are so motivated & inspired to put all around their houses. It takes a lot of work, determination, & cheer to care to do that! We can appreciate that if nothing else.

I hope you are having a beautiful day or night wherever in the world you are! 💚

Xoxo Kim ❤🎄

Reminder♡

Recently, one of my furbabies died. Not one of mine who I live with but one who I took care of while her furmama goes away on business trips. Her name is Pinky & she was a little Boston terrier mix and so adorable. Just like my baby, Boobie, Pinky is a mama of twins. She has twin boys and my sweet girl has boy/girl twins! ♡ Also, Pinky was thirteen years old when she died just like Boobie. I find this loss shattering just like when my own die. It’s one of the downfalls of having a job working with many animals. The more we come to know and love deeply, the more we lose. The one thing that brings me a great sense of consolation after this terrible loss is, I loved Pinky fully while she was alive. I still love her now but now it’s just a feeling in my mind as there’s nothing I can do for her. When she was alive, I acted on my feeling of love for her, spoiling her and doing as much as I could. To know this and remember it is a great source of comfort, helping to heal my grief. 

I always loved taking care of Pinky and her baby boys. The one dog doesn’t like to stay out long for walks so I take him out to go potty then bring him back and Pinky never wanted to come home! She always wanted to stay out and would run back to the door for a second, longer walk after bringing the little boy back. So I would almost always take her & the other little boy back for a longer walk even when it was late and I was ready to call it a day. 

I prefer when my workday ends earlier than late. It’s not that I prefer less work, I just like when it ends before it gets late. I don’t mind working into the night. It’s just my preference though to have my workday end earlier. But when the babies want me to stay, I stay, even when my work is done. So I would stay and take Pinky for her second, longer walk whenever I could.  Sometimes, I would even be thinking consciously, they aren’t going to live forever, we aren’t going to live forever. I want to make them as happy as I can while I can. 

And after each visit, I always would kiss them goodbye, sometimes more than once. I would sit on the sofa for extra cuddles with them no matter how late it got. 

The reason I share this isn’t to brag about how much good I did. It’s to share my own example of how loving more makes it so much easier to cope with a devastating loss. All I have is my grief and painful sense of loss, which is just a usual reaction to losing someone or something we love. I have no guilt or regrets surrounding it, no “if only’s…”. I share this hoping others will be reminded to cherish everything present right now. Go the distance to help others even if it puts us out a little bit, even if we’re ready to go home and sleep or rest, savor every moment we have with our pets, family, friends, and remember to stop and appreciate our job, house, stage of life we are currently in, even inanimate objects that may seem trivial. When we appreciate & love fully & give thanks right now, it’s easier when we have to say goodbye. It may not lessen our sense of grief or loss but will help so we don’t have an additional struggle of regretting and feeling as if we missed out or could have done better. The main reason I want to love more always, isn’t for me, so I don’t struggle with regret or guilt, but for them, for everyone else, to make the world a better place wherever I can. But it’s also good to not have to be sorry we did not love more. And that’s the aspect I’m focusing on in this post. 

The loss of Pinky is so, so incredibly heartbreaking to me just like when my own furbabies get old and die. It feels like something in my chest being ripped out, physically. Especially when I think about her harness. She would lift her little legs to get them in it when I would go over to her with it. It knocked the wind out of me when my boss told me. But it’s really her sweet mama’s loss(and her twin pups). My heart goes out to her furmama who loves and takes great care of them. And to her puppies who lost their furry mama. All three dogs were always very close. ♡ Pinky had a beautiful, happy life with her loving family. In every experience, I find life lessons to be learned and reminded of. No matter how painful an experience is, there is something we can find in it and use to bring a little bit more beauty to the world. 

So this is a reminder to us all to love more. ♡♡♡ Love as much as possible. 

I hope you are having a beautiful day or night wherever in the world you are. Much love & light to you. ~Hugs~ ♡♡♡ 

Xoxo Kim

The Light 

“The wound is the place where the Light enters you.”

Every experience, pleasant or unpleasant, is an opportunity to evolve. Let’s try to find the beauty in each moment, the life lesson/s, the Light, the opportunity, The Love…

I hope you are having a beautiful day or night wherever in the world you are! ❤ 😀 

xoxo Kim

Thou shalt not steal

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Recently I heard Christian people on the radio talking about the Ten Commandments in Biblical Scripture. I’m not a Christian woman but find their conversation deeply inspiring. The men were saying the language (I forget which one but for this post it’s not very important anyway. I think it may be Hebrew?) directly translates into English as “Do not steal”  but often we hear\read “thou shalt not steal.” The men said this second phrase “thou shalt not steal” is much more powerful than “do not steal” and before they started explaining I was a bit confused. At first glance, at least to me, a command such as “Do not steal” seems more direct and assertive, even threatening, than “you should not steal.” Telling me not to do something can be an implicit threat or warning “Do not…or else..” where telling me I shouldn’t do something seems a bit more passive or laid back. It doesn’t seem like a command or demand. It’s more like just someone’s little opinion.

I’m not a big fan of telling others or myself what we should or should not do. I think “should” can be too limiting and contribute to feelings of failing or too much pressure. But soon I realized what these Christian men were talking about and it’s very powerful and can apply to us all, not just Christian and other religious people.

“Should” or “should not” is more like an internal thing while someone else’s commands, laws, rules, threats, abuse, opinion…..are external and cannot affect us if we do not let them. “Do not….because I said so” is authoritarian and someone else’s rule slapped onto us. It may or may not be a good rule but it’s external and we can rise above whereas “should” is something moral, internal. Of course someone else’s opinion of “should” is external and “should” is subjective but it’s more of an internal truth.

There are some things, in my opinion, we really should not do, like kill innocent beings, steal, spread vicious gossip, sexually assault….to name a few. That’s my truth and it’s more powerful than someone else telling me not to. It’s illegal for me to kill an innocent human but it runs deeper than the law telling me not to; I truly believe I should not kill an innocent person (or any innocent sentient being) and if I ever did I would have a bigger problem than being in legal trouble. I would have an internal struggle knowing I did something very wrong that resulted in the pain or ending of someone else. It’s not illegal to kill most insects at least where I live, and I don’t negatively judge those who do, but I do not kill them on purpose and when I do accidentally, I have a struggle within. And there are occasions people said things to me meant to have an effect I did not allow it to have. There are occasions I experienced domestic violence and was physically forced to do or not do something that wasn’t my choice but I did not let it destroy me and know it’s not a reflection of who I am and that this life is still beautiful with so many beautiful things and I kept my mind calm even though externally it was chaos. When I am abused the abuser is degrading itself, not me. Murderers, sexual predators, bullies, those engaging in vicious gossip only degrade themselves not those they hurt or try to hurt. We may be hurt, broken, devastated, traumatized, petrified, bleeding, bruised…..but we are not as destroyed as those who tried to destroy us. And we can stand up & rise again.

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(not my photo)

Abuse of any kind, vicious lies being told about us, others trying to control us, societal expectations…..these are all external and can affect us greatly if we allow it. But with work, practice, meditation, self exploration, self love, other positive things….we can rise above and others cannot touch us. Even if they do physically, it will not drag and keep us down or touch our essence. What matters is what we know, our own truth, knowing, attitude.

It’s what’s inside that is more powerful than the outside.

Much love & light to you always! Thank you to everyone who reads my content & those who comment! When I see a comment I always or almost always respond usually with a comment back or a “like” and if I seem to ignore it it’s very likely I did not see it. I appreciate every comment & everyone who reads! I have a whole lot of catching up to do! I got a new job recently and worked nineteen days in a row! But I love it! ❤😍😀

~Hugs~

xoxo Kim 

No one can make you feel inferior…

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(me! 😀 ❤ I really have blue eyes with green splashes but for a few days recently, they were green! 😱)

“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”

Yesterday I received two very unpleasant comments, one in person, by someone I know and have liked a lot since i met her and one online by a stranger. The online comment was vicious and intended to be callous and the in-person comment was meant to be compassionate but I find it thoughtless. I’m extremely open about my struggle with severe depression and the things relating to it, both online and in person. Since I was thirteen years old, I have struggled with severe episodes of depression with frequent lower-grade depression in the middle a lot. My depression would always go completely away for a while, sometimes months, but would always come back to some degree. It has been with me off and on through the years since then.

I never try to conceal it out of embarrassment or what people may think but I also dont go out of my way to bring it up usually, not because I dont want to necessarily; it’s just there’s not always an opportunity or thought to bring it up. I don’t constantly talk or think about my depressive illness. I just get to talking about it when it happens to come up somehow. I keep my social media accounts public and post about it sometimes, so anyone has access to it. But not everyone who knows me knows about my condition. I am very happy in general when I’m not depressed; even when my depression was chronic/frequent, it would always leave and I would be so happy and healthy; and even when I am depressed, I am still naturally very friendly to others and still often easily amused. I don’t “look depressed,” whatever that may look like. I don’t dress all in black with my head down and covered in self inflicted cuts, like some people assume depressed people should look like.

I am frequently laughing and smiling. I can function in the world and effectively interact with people in social settings. This is true for many, probably even most of us who struggle with mental health conditions. We may be someone with a family of our own or we may live at home with the family we grew up with, we can be store cashiers, food servers, doctors, counselors, your next door neighbor, your coworker, your best friend, the giggly, smiling person you see at the bus stop everyday, maybe your hairdresser or attorney, a schoolteacher…..we cannot always see depression. It’s true, people do notice I am depressed sometimes (even if they don’t realize it’s depression). But it cannot always be detected by others.

Yesterday online, I expressed compassion for a suicide victim and his family and friends. The sweet young man is dead and everyone who loves and knew him is shattered and will always be scarred. I am not easily offended and not sensitive so I can easily brush off comments and remarks that are malicious, rude, sarcastic, thoughtless….but some occasions, for whatever reason, they hit hard. A stranger, both to me, and to the man who died by suicide, commented and wrote something in response to all our comments, about compassion for him not being necessary because he was a “selfish, cowardly piece of shit who did this to himself.” (This is not new to me; it’s frequent to encounter this kind of sentiment about suicidal people and suicide victims – I have been told myself on more than one occasion, to quit feeling sorry for myself and go get it over with and kill myself already, luckily i havent heard this in a while)

First of all, this poor person was sick or somethimg. It was’t like he just decided it would be fun to end his own life just for thrills. Also, those poor souls who knew him, his family, his mama, his close friends, his acquaintances, his coworkers, his neighbors, maybe even someone who saw him around but hardly knew him, are all impacted in a horrific way now and they can’t help that he made that terrible choice; it’s not their fault so why write something so callous for them to read? They are the ones being hurt by the cruelty; not him. As if it’s not cruel enough, this pain they now have to live with. Now on top of that, they have that comment to remember.

That was at the beginning of my day that I had the displeasure of encountering that. Then closer to the end of my day, I had the displeasure of receiving another thoughtless (but not as ruthless) comment but in person by someone I know.

I recently met a new (platonic) friend at work! I only met him a couple months ago and instantly felt a deep connection to him. He is one of the kindest and most generous people I ever met and reminds me of another friend I have. I was telling my mom how much the two are alike then i found out they grew up knowing each other! ❤ I had no idea! 😀 Shortly after i met this new friend of mine, I realized i felt a sense of “home” like we may feel when we meet people we have a deep “soul” connection with.

Anyway, my new friend has problems, some of which he shared with me. He has severe recurring headaches, financial difficulties, and is in emotional turmoil because he is in the process of getting a divorce, which is not his choice but his wife’s. I am inspired because as much pain as he is experiencing about his loss, he told me he is so thankful for the thirty years he had with her and all the memories he’ll always have. And for his kids and grandbaby(hes adorable! I get to see him some days)

Yesterday, a girl I know told me to be very careful because my new friend just got out of a “looney bin” and is cracking up in the head and she doesnt want him to go off and do anything to me. She said he’s a very friendly person but looney. I could tell she was genuinely concerned for my safety so I cant even be angry at her and even find it a bit touching that she cares so much. But her comment struck me so hard, like a slap hard across the face. He’s not dangerous to others. Most of us are not (though some definitely are) and it is damaging to perpetuate that. She did not realize who she was talking to. If i was in her position and said that to someone who has experienced both voluntary and involuntary psychiatric hospitalizations(like I have), I would have been mortified. I spared her the embarrassment (and fear) and sob story of mine and just tried to assure her that he is not a threat to others. She was not convinced.

She even admitted that he shows no signs of being a threat to others but that she’s concerned when he’s around. I felt compassion for her even with my annoyance. Imagine feeling fear whenever you see someone, that the person will “snap” and put you in danger. It’s not pleasant for her either. She clearly doesn’t understand mental illness.

The reason I found it difficult to shrug off her comment is, I like her a lot (in a platonic way) and my condition is a part of me and always will be, not that I will always be depressed but always remember that I was. It’s painful to like someone and the person not understand a significant part of me, especially thinking I’m dangerous. Some people who dont like something(certain views, disabilities…), when they find out someone they know experiences that, they will come to be more understanding of it and accepting, while others will reject the person. Either way, I think it’s important to not conceal stuff just so others will not dislike us. Just because we deny it in ourselves does not mean it doesn’t exist and then people will love us under false impressions. It won’t be real.

As the cliche goes “I would rather be hated for who I am than loved for who I’m not.”

For sure! Though i dont think it’s very likely that anyone will “hate” us, they may dislike us or feel uncomfortable around us. It is unfortunate and they have my compassion. Even though it’s unpleasant for me, it’s also unpleasant for them. I wish they would try to understand better and not perpetuate dangerous myths.

People don’t just “snap” and “go off.” They show signs that often go unnoticed by others before they freak out and go on a killing spree. And look at all the people who aren’t mentally ill who kill people and animals. Not every mentally ill person who kills does so as a result of the illness. Even mentally ill people can be assholes and kill for the same reasons non mentally ill people kill for. Not only is it wrong to assume mentally ill people are all dangerous because it hurts us to assume that, it’s wrong because it’s like justifying it when someone kills someone. Mental illness is no justification usually. I do struggle with depression sometimes but it never gets me wanting to kill anyone other than myself and if I killed someone I would just be an asshole who is also mentally ill. And I hope I would get life in prison.

I know not to attack someone and never even have the urge to. Only once in all of my days (except when i was little and thought it was funny to hit older kids and if kids were messing with me, i would sometimes hit them) can i ever remember truly wanting to even just smack someone(in 7th grade my friend was irking me so badly in class i just wanted to smack her and would have if we werent in school!) and never again since then. I would kill myself before I would kill someone else and i would risk my own life to save another (even when im not suicidal!).

The two comments, only because I let them, put a damper on my happiness. I let them dull my sparkle. I usually don’t allow that but yesterday I did. But this quote I shared above, popped into my head.

“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”

It’s a quote that is so cliche i fear it may be often just overlooked or mindlessly tossed around in an attempt to seem positive. I have often overlooked it, finding it positive and a great concept but not truly letting it inspire me. Yesterday though, I really felt it, let it inspire me deeply. Even if we can’t initially help how we feel in response to something that someone else says or does, we can work to strengthen our mind against the actions and words of others.

I thought of how it doesnt matter what that girl thinks of my friend or me. We are not dangerous and so many people understand that. There will always be those who don’t and we can just speak up or share things to counter it. And we can show compassion to those in need.

I accept my condition. There’s nothing I can do about it. I can’t change my history of it. It just is and I allow it to be. I will never cover it up no matter what others think about it or me. And one thing I am pleased to realize is while there are many reasons to give up mental illness if we could, like the fact that it hurts us and those around us, it’s expensive for treatment, interferes with things….what other people think is not one of those reasons to give it up even if we were able to! I wouldn’t give up my illness or experiences just because someone else thinks I’m a basketcase.

Also, I receive many, many more loving comments and responses to my condition and things i post online, than unpleasant ones and those are the ones I focus on more. There are many more people who are loving and kind in general than those who are not. And the ones who aren’t can become more kind and loving. We can all evolve.

Another thing I made the choice to do in the face of this unpleasantness is ask myself how this can strengthen me, what is it teaching or reminding me, what wisdom can i realize and deepen and share with others…What virtues can i strengthen? Patience, gratitude, compassion, kindness, forgiveness….there’s always positive things to be learned and reminded of in every difficult situation.

I want to remind us all to not give anyone consent to dull our sparkle, contribute to us feeling inferior, low, anxious….anything unpleasant. The power is within us to let what they say or do, slide right off. Whatever they do or say, does not change anything about us whether it’s true or not. Think of the positive things in the world, our own self, and each other, and let the unpleasant things said and done to us go. It can’t hurt us if we don’t let it. It’s up to each of us how to respond both in our head and outwardly.

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(this isn’t my photo! My sister sent me a message as i was completing this post and i opened it and it was this pic she sent me! Perfect, right!?)

I’m wishing you much love and light, always! ❤

I hope you are having a beautiful day or night wherever in the world you are! I have a busy couple of days but everything is going well. 😍❤

“And we’re all gonna shine a light together
All shine a light to light the way
Brothers and sisters in every little part
Let our love shine a light in every corner of our hearts”

Love Shine a Light – mobile

Love Shine a Light – desktop

Hugs & lots of love,

xoxo Kim ❤

Insidious Chapter 3 {Love & Hope} <3

I watched this movie again tonight and am inspired all over again! As I wrote, I love the life lessons this movie conveys whether or not they were intended. I feel that it’s a movie about staying alive even when it hurts, even when it feels unbearable. Our home is here on Earth for now. And here on Earth is where we belong right now. Don’t give up! Also, the part where the psychic lady tells the girl who lost her mom to cancer, that she can stop looking for her mom, she is always with her, whispering in her ear when she’s confused or feels alone, is one of the best. Even if we don’t believe in ghosts, spirits, angels….those we love & lose remain with us in memory, in our hearts/minds. We don’t have to look anymore. They are here, within, always. ❤ ❤ Much love & light to you, always. ❤

A Dose of Inspiration

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“I choose to FIGHT BACK! I choose to RISE, not fall! I choose to LIVE, not die! And I know, I know that what’s within me is also WITHIN YOU.” (Mayor Pappas, “City Hall” movie quote)

Last night I saw the movie Insidious chapter 3. I love the Insidious movies! They are seriously the creepiest movies I ever saw! And I’m not a believer in ghosts but hell if they don’t creep me out!  

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I absolutely love Insidious Chapter 3. It’s creepy, it’s dark, it’s distressing and thrilling. But that’s not why I love it so.

There are a few lessons to be learned, for some people. I don’t know if the writer/s intended to convey these subtle messages or I’m just really reading into the movie and seeing messages that are accidental. 

Please don’t read here any further if you intend to watch the movie and haven’t seen…

View original post 1,639 more words

Forget your perfect offering

SECOND BATCH 663 541(1)

“Ring the bells that still can ring. 
Forget your perfect offering.
There is a crack in everything.
That’s how the light gets in.”
~ Leonard Cohen “Anthem”

Let’s not forget to ring those bells, the ones that still can ring. The bad in the world, the bitterness, the pain, the negativity, the shattered bells that no longer ring….that cannot take away the goodness that still exists, the beauty, the love, the togetherness, the light…<3

Not only does the darkness and pain not take away the goodness all around and within us, it can allow us to see an even brighter light if we allow it, a greater strength, deeper wisdom & empathy, a more profound love. ❤

Much love & light to you,

xoxo Kim 😀

A cup of coffee <3

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“You’re the blessings
Every time I try to count,
You’re the lessons
That l learn
Every time I turn around,
You’re the water when I’m burned
Every time I think I’ve found
Everything I’m looking for,
You’re the sign sayin’
Stop to take a bow”
~ Empty Hands/Nimo

In Buddhist class last night, our teacher encouraged us to think about and  meditate upon the kindness of others whether or not they intended to be kind. 

Sometimes people do things unintentionally that are very convenient to us, even if they were not trying to be helpful. For example, if someone points out a flaw not trying to help but to hurt, we can still be helped by the criticism, changing the flaw if it really is one and would be good to change. For that, we can be thankful for our “enemy” for aiding in our positive change. Instead of focusing on the anger or pain of what that person tried to do, we can focus on the gratitude. We can consciously transform an unpleasant situation into a life lesson.

If someone is very negative and rude, that person isn’t trying to be kind but we can seize the situation as an opportunity to practice compassion and strengthen our virtue of patience.

Atisha, an ancient Buddhist master, had an assistant who frequently acted in a very vicious manner against Atisha. He slandered him to others and talked negatively about him in an unnecessary way right to his face. Atisha spoke of love and compassion in front of many people, giving public speeches to help make the world better. This assistant of his was verbally abusive to him in front of everyone. Most of the people back then loved Atisha. And they began asking Atisha why he doesn’t replace his abusive assistant with a new one. There would be so many people ready to assist Atisha in a very loving way. But Atisha refused the offer. 

He called his assistant his best friend and explained how the man was helping him further develop and maintain his virtue of patience.

For this, Atisha was extremely thankful. He took this potentially infuriating situation and used it for good, to deepen his compassion and strengthen his patience.

Most of us probably have situations no matter how serious or very minor, that we can use to deepen and maintain our compassion and patience. Stuck in traffic, being cut off in traffic, people at work getting on our last nerve, friends or family testing our patience, experiencing an act of betrayal, being the target of slander, diagnosed with a serious physical illness, depression, anxiety, being gossiped about, receiving a rude comment online, being rejected, experiencing a painful breakup, “wasted” years in a terrible relationship – at least you have experience and know what you don’t ever want again! –  ….Everything can be practice. Everything and everyone can be our teacher if we allow it. 

Everyone else praised Atisha, lavished so much love onto him, he couldn’t really practice patience because it was never tested by them. This person who was difficult to deal with taught him so much love in a different way.

“How can I be patient if there’s no one to be patient with?”

Be thankful for those who push our buttons and test our patience.

“How can I give if there’s no one to give to?”

Be thankful for those who allow us to give and those experiences which provide opportunities for us to give. Give our stuff, our time, our energy, our love, our wisdom….

Our teacher talked with us about gratitude for the kindness of others and she gave an example of something as simple as a cup of coffee. How often do we think much about a cup of coffee we are drinking?  

Many of us, probably most, take for granted all the steps and processes it takes to get that cup onto our table or into our hands. It did not just appear. The kindness of others all lead up to that one cup of coffee getting into our hands. 

Someone had to gather the coffee beans, roast them, package it, put it on the shelves in the stores, create the packages to hold the coffee, someone had to make the cup, the table, someone is responsible for giving us life to have hands to hold,  a throat with the ability to swallow, a stomach to digest, and who knows what other steps had to be taken, processes we don’t even know about, just to make it so we eventually get to drink the coffee. To us, it seems so simple to open up the package and make the coffee or walk to a store and buy a cup of it. But so many people and things came together to make that happen.

And that goes for everything in this life. Everything we have even if we worked hard for it, is only possible because of the kindness o f others. Maybe we work hard to get money to buy clothes we love and feel independent for working so hard to buy expensive clothing but someone had to make those clothes, businesses have to be possible to sell them, our boss gave us our job and if we are self employed, still, we did not get here literally  alone. So many have helped along the way both intentionally and unintentionally.

We’re none of us completely independent or without something and someone to be grateful to. 

Also, our biological mom brought us into the world and either took great care of us, at least enough to keep us alive, or entrusted someone else to do that for her, for us.

So we have our mom to be thankful for, both our biological mom and our adoptive mom if we have one.  (and fathers too)

Also, we have doctors and nurses and others to thank for saving our lives if we were ever sick or seriously injured and needed medical attention. And the ones who helped us when our mom was pregnant and gave birth. 

When I was 21 years old, I got very sick and needed emergency kidney surgery. My kidney was obstructed, enlarged, and almost ruptured(a kidney stone damaged it temporarily and blocked my whole system on the one side) . There was a small chance it was going to have to be removed but the doctors were almost sure they got to it soon enough(luckily they were correct!). I was in severe pain and my whole body felt sick. I knew something was very wrong and my family took me to an emergency room. I thought if whatever was wrong wasn’t going to kill me, that the physical pain would. Back then it was the worst physical pain I ever felt. I really believed I was dying, not just because of the pain but I knew something was wrong internally. 
I had all kinds of things done to me in that hospital, Catscan, IV drips, blood drawn, surgery….

It took so much to diagnose my condition and fix it. The doctors and nurses and technicians and others all had to do so many things, clean instruments, scrub their hands, set up machines, communicate with each other, cancel scheduled surgeries to take me first since mine was an emergency (I heard the doctor on the phone canceling multiple vasectomy appointments just for me), put me under the anesthesia, so many, many other things to save my life….

It is their job but they chose those jobs because they want to help others. And of all the people I encountered those days, I did not encounter one rude person(many people cannot say the same when they have medical emergencies/situations), just one doctor who wasn’t the friendliest but he had to work long hours and encounter many patients acting in rude manners probably. It can’t always be easy being an emergency room doctor. 

For once I wasn’t depressed and all the work they did for me was/is so life affirming. It felt as if my life is valuable, something. Something worth saving. 

I still remember and cherish the kindness of all those who worked hard to save my kidney and me. The memories always warm me. 

Also, I am thankful for the doctors, nurses, technicians who helped me during the hospitalizations for suicidal depression/psychosis when I was young. Some of them were very loving and some very cold and rude. But I’m forever grateful for the experiences and they all helped me in various ways. Even today during my lovingkindness practice, remembering the coldness of some of the people I encountered during my hospital stays, helps me practice and strengthen compassion & patience. Even old experiences can help us today. 

Also construction workers who are often complained about blocking streets, using loud equipment…if it wasn’t for them, we wouldn’t have the roads paved like we do, things wouldn’t get built or fixed.

The next occasion we go to complain or see it as an inconvenience, let’s stop instead and give thanks. It may not be helping us directly or at all but they are making the world a better place as a whole. 

It’s amazing to think this way. I have always been naturally very grateful even before I realized the concept of gratitude. Since I was a little girl I have always felt thankful for everything and very blessed. I remember frequently feeling that I had the best life. 

But after consciously practicing appreciative living techniques and especially after I began taking Buddhist classes, I am even more frequently thankful and often in a deeper way.

Our recent class is a great reminder to contemplate all that others do for us whether or not they intend to be kind. Whether they are forced to do community service as a penalty for violating a law, actually meant to be vicious, accidentally do something great for us, or truly meant to be loving and kind, we can pay them gratitude even if just a feeling in our own heads. Our energy can have a ripple effect and can influence our actions and it’s just a great way to live, in gratitude for the kindness of others. 

It’s fascinating to think of all the kindness that exists in one cup of coffee!

I encourage you the next moment you are drinking coffee or tea or whatever you drink, to think of all the ways in which others made this possible for you. We probably cannot think of literally every way! There’s so many! But we can think of some.

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(not my photo)  

Thank you to all the various kinds of doctors, nurses, technicians, police, construction workers, lawyers, janitors who clean buildings, store cashiers, restaurant workers, delivery people, secretaries, those who put out fires and save lives, mail workers, those who pick up trash and recycling, teachers, professors, veterinarians, volunteers, and all the others who make the world go round. 

Let’s pay them back with a friendly smile, a thank you or thank you note, a helping hand whenever we can,  any act of kindness, even just a feeling of gratitude or acknowledgment in our head. And let’s pay it forward putting as much of our own love as we can out into the world.  ❤

Here is a beautiful love song to the whole world:

“So I lift up my hands now
And I open my heart
And my gratitude goes out
To everything near and far”
~ Nimo

Grateful – a love song to the world – mobile

Grateful – desktop

😀

Much love & light to you!

xoxo Kim