“I’m hoping this prayer will turn out right.
See, there is a boy that needs Your help.
I’ve done all that I can do myself
His mother is tired,
I’m sure You can understand.
Each night as he sleeps
She goes in to hold his hand,
And she tries
Not to cry
As the tears fill her eyes”
This is a song, sung by Mark Schultz, I used to listen to sometimes when I was a young girl. I always felt a strange connection to it. Strange because it seems to be about a little boy who is sick and dying and his mom and dad are exhausted and broken. It’s a devastating song. I don’t have kids and have no close friends or family who I had to watch sick and dying. So I can’t really relate but I still feel deeply impacted by it. I can just imagine a fraction of his painful situation.
Someone who has a kid/kids, even if they aren’t sick, is probably likely to feel the impact, the blow of this song, even more than someone without kids. Or someone who has a sick friend/family member or did at one point. If we can relate to a certain aspect of a situation, we are probably more likely to have even deeper empathy for the whole of it.
I can hear the passion and feel the desperation in his voice as he implores his god to allow him to take his dying son’s place.
“Can You hear me?
Am I getting through tonight?
Can You see him?
Can You make him feel all right?
If You can hear me
Let me take his place somehow.”
He’s praying to help him and the boy’s mom see it through and help the little boy get better.
Or to let him switch places with his boy and his son live a long happy life.
When I listen to it, I feel like my heart and guts are being carved out. It reminds me of pumpkins being turned into jack-o-lanterns for Halloween. The insides are being ripped out and the whole inside is hollow. That’s exactly what it feels like to listen to this song.
But it’s not a bad thing. It’s good to have deep feeling.
This is a beautiful & heartbreaking song. It helps us have deeper empathy for those in this father’s & mother’s situation of losing a child and a sick child’s situation.
The father’s voice is so kind and friendly as he sings, not bitter or angry. I think that’s so beautiful. We would probably all understand if a father or mother of a dying child is bitter and angry and pissed at the world. But this song conveys no such emotion, just love and pain.
“I’m down on my knees again tonight
I’m hoping this prayer will turn out right”
The “again” in these lyrics says it all. Again. They have been suffering so long. Day after day. Night after night. Probably going insane. They probably don’t know what to do with themselves. That one word is just riddled with so much desperation, so much agony.
They do all they can and more, just hoping, loving, pleading, and coping.
I cannot know his situation but I know what it is to be desperate. To stay awake day & night, night after night, in agony, roaming the night, collapsing in unbearable agony. Again & again & again. Clinging to any strand of hope, any thread of solace I can manage to find. Any sliver of light in the darkness. And seemingly going insane when I seem to find none. I have these rare & terrible mind blasting headaches. His situation is of course, much, much worse than mine.
But I feel that desperation of mine when I hear that word. Again.
“I’m down on my knees again tonight.”
I’m an atheist(and practice Buddhist techniques); I don’t pray to any gods but when I am having a flare up of the headache I find myself on the floor sometimes again and again, night after night, collapsed in agony, my face in my hands or cracking my head against a wall, sometimes screaming hysterically, sometimes pleading with the headache in my head or out loud, to go away even though I know it can’t hear me. It’s a kind of desperation that’s hard to explain in words and it happens over and over. It carries over into each night until the cluster/episode ends. So this line really speaks to me.
“I’m down on my knees again tonight.”
Here are some more posts where I write about my headache:
It’s Hell on Earth. I can’t think of a worse hell.
If you want to witness/hear for yourself what it’s like to have a “headache” like this, you can check out this video of a lady who filmed herself having one. It’s almost unbearable to listen to her hysterical sobs and agony. She filmed it to bring awareness to this hell. She is NOT overreacting one bit.
It’s really like this! It’s over thirteen minutes long and you’re probably not a sadist so you probably don’t want to listen to the entire thing. Just a few minutes is more than enough.
Cluster attack – mobile
Cluster attack – desktop
Poor Earth angel. What I wouldn’t give to take all that pain away for her. It actually hurts more listening to her screams than experiencing my own. </3 ❤ She has kids and said it’s worse than the pain of childbirth and that she would give birth everyday over this.
No, prescription pain pills will not touch the pain and we cannot be knocked out or sleep. The physical pain is too powerful. Sleep aids do nothing in this case.
There’s no known cure and not many effective treatments for everyone with it.
These attacks are physical(but they do take an emotional toll on those of us who experience them).
I’m not mad(though it sure feels like I may be).
I don’t have these attacks very often like some but just one is enough.
I appreciate the love & courage of the people who share their stories of beauty & pain, love & hope. ❤
“He’s not just anyone, he’s my son.”
I can feel the pain cut so deeply here.
No one is just anyone. We are all someone.
It’s just as bad when anyone suffers or dies.
But watching his own son suffer like this is a nightmare he can’t wake up out of. Watching someone we know personally in any way, struggling, affects us usually, in a more direct way, than someone we don’t know.
It probably feels very lonely to him.
He probably, in his darkest moments of despair, feels as if he’s the only one in the world to know this pain, this torture.
“Sometimes late at night I watch him sleep,
I dream of the boy he’d like to be.
I try to be strong and see him through”
He has this terrible struggle of feeling the need to stay strong for his son but he probably just wants to collapse himself.
It’s hard to care for himself and his own needs when he feels the need to remain strong for his fragile little boy. But his little boy isn’t the only one suffering and not the only one needing compassion and care. In some ways, it’s probably even harder watching someone die than being the one dying.
It’s a heartbreaking struggle.
“What would I be, living without him here?”
This line is almost unbearable. Losing someone we love, to death, is excruciating. It’s agony beyond words. And no one expects to have to live ever without her/his child. We grow up knowing, even if we don’t consciously think about it much, that one day we will lose people close to us, parents, grandparents, pets, some much too soon…and that is agony, but almost no one expects to have to live without her/his child ever. Almost everyone, I think, assumes their children will outlive them. And what a devastating blow it is to find out it’s not the case.
His little boy is his world, he brought him into the world or adopted him and feels and is responsible for him, he takes care of him, gets him ready for school (if he’s in school), feeds him, clothes him, bathes him, buys him his toys, has so many plans and dreams for him…now he has to prepare to be without him here on Earth. And here he is, still with this gentle, warm, hopeful, kind voice.
Listening to a song about a certain experience can really help remind us and deepen our compassion in general. I can never know what it’s like to lose a child or have a sick child or any child but I don’t have to know to know it’s unbearable and shattering and beyond devastating to lose a child. Imagine what that’s like for parents like these ones to watch their baby not only dying but scared, sick, and dying like the boy in this song. It’s unfathomable. And some people do not have to imagine because they know.
“Sometimes late at night I watch him sleep,
I dream of the boy he’d like to be.
I try to be strong and see him through,
But God, who he needs right now is You.
Let him grow old,
Live life without this fear.
What would I be
Living without him here?
He’s so tired,
And he’s scared
Let him know that You’re there.”
It’s good to remember this the next situation we are in where a person seems rude or negative or annoying. When a person abruptly brushes by us on a street or public transportation or cuts us off in traffic or gets flippant with us, or is nodding off in public (I saw people making fun of two people on a bus before, a young man and a young woman, who were collapsed together on a seat with their heads down, and almost gently rocking. They were calling them “druggies” and taking pictures of them to make fun of on social media. For some reason I got the strong feeling they were actually grief-stricken like someone just died on them, not that they were on drugs. They looked sick with grief to me. I just sensed it. Though I could be wrong. Maybe they just lost their child. Or maybe they were the biggest stoners. But I don’t think it’s good making fun of “druggies” either. They are people with pleasure and pain. They need help & love, not ridicule.)….there’s no justification for being rude in public but we never know what may be provoking or contributing to it.
For all we know that person has to go home to a sick child or has to leave work then go visit his dying child or friend in a hospital bed. Or maybe this person has a chronic/episodic pain disorder or a struggle with addiction or was sexually assaulted or is struggling with mental illness…. When we face the negativity or anger with our own anger or ridicule, we only add to that bereaved person’s pain or the pain of whatever the situation is. And a simple act of forgiveness or warm smile on our part can momentarily soothe a fraction of it.
Some people just like to act in a rude manner and have no sick friend or family member or chronic pain or other serious condition but we can’t always know for sure. In my opinion, it’s better to be kind and the person is just an asshole (assholes need lovin’ too!) than be unkind and the person is suffering immensely over a significant loss/impending loss or other devastating situation.
It’s amazing how the song tugs on me in a deep unidentified place even though I cannot relate to the entire situation. I find beauty and Oneness in the strangest places. ❤
So I decided to share here, hoping that we will all react a little bit more lovingly in situations we may be tempted to act out in anger.
And also it’s a great reminder that we don’t have to completely understand someone’s situation to have empathy & compassion or be completely impacted by it. ❤
This video has pictures of what appears to be real sick kids in hospitals throughout it. Just in case you don’t want to see it. It also has other images.
Here is a video of the same song but just the lyrics, no pics:
These pictures are all screencaptures of photos in the video.
Much love & light to you. ❤
My heart goes out to you if you are in or have been in a terrible situation like the man in this song. (he is the singer, he may not have really lost a child but there are people who are in his situation for real…)
I wish you all the strength, courage, and love you need to carry you through this life in the midst and aftermath of such a tragedy. It doesn’t ever end but it can be ok sometimes and be beautiful again. ❤ ❤