Tag Archive | music

September Song💙

“Do you remember the 21st night of September?
Love was changin’ the minds of pretenders
While chasin’ the clouds away
Our hearts were ringin’ in the key that our souls were singin’
As we danced in the night, remember
How the stars stole the night away” 💜🖤🎶

September Song – Earth, Wind, & Fire 💙

What a great song! One of those pick me up, feel good songs to get us pumped! I am so happy for the end of Summer and beginning of Fall!! I’m ready for cool nights, pumpkins, pumpkin spice everything…which we have already been having! But will be so much more fun in October! It’s cooler than it usually is now in the City of Brotherly Love! 🧡 Anyone who needs a bit of cheer or just wants to add some more to your day or night, please listen to the above song! I listen to it like everyday! 😁😄🎃

I hope you are having a beautiful day or night wherever in the world you are!

xoxo Kim

You are the music…

IMG_14171671_1

“You are the music while the music lasts.” ~
(edited: Rumi – not T.s quote!)

Today I woke up very early after only three hours of sleep. It was still dark out and very windy and rainy and freezing cold! Just yesterday it was like 60 degrees! Lol

Now today it’s 30 something degrees.

Wth? Lol 😀

I woke up to the windchimes sounding in the backyard.  So beautiful.

IMG_14171673_1

I felt peace & inner calm and a deep connection to the musical wind. 

I remembered this quote above. It’s a lovely quote that can be interpreted different ways. 

It’s perfect for my one word challenge. (my word is beauty)

IMG_14171672_1

I don’t function well at all with only a few hours of sleep. I always needed a lot of hours of sleep in one night, like nine or ten! 

But I woke up in a great mood still! After the shower and brushing my teeth I was afraid to look in a mirror before leaving for work. Lol 

I don’t always look fabulous after not getting enough sleep or getting too much sleep. My face breaks out, my throat gets sore, my eyes have dark circles or bags around them, I look tired and just a wreck with not enough sleep! And my hair falls out in clumps!

Today instead of putting my makeup on, I worked on my one word challenge even though I wanted to put makeup on. I should have gotten up earlier (and went to sleep earlier.)

So I dreaded looking in a mirror!  

But I did and was surprised. I don’t look half bad! Lol Probably not perfect but quite alright for only three hours of sleep and not an ounce of makeup to cover up any blemishes.

Here’s a couple pictures.

IMG_14171675_1

IMG_14171680_1

IMG_14171674_1

Also yesterday was very warm and I celebrated with an iced coffee! Today is very cold and I’m celebrating with a hot blueberry coffee! I’m at work for my manager while she’s away. I’m here alone reading books, drinking blueberry coffee, laughing all by myself! Lol ❤

IMG_14171682_1

I’m reading a fiction mystery thriller Kindle book (but I think it can be ordered as a physical book as well?) about a serial killer who dresses as Santa and creeps around with an ax killing just about anyone she can. (admit it – when you saw “serial killer,” you automatically assumed the thing is a man, right? They are usually men both in reality & in fiction, it seems. But a lil lady can bring just as much destruction!) It’s in December. She’s a young woman with orange/red hair. People think she’s a mental patient who recently got out of a mental hospital after ten years. 
It’s called Santa Took Them. After they are murdered, the words “Santa took them” are written on the wall in blood. Ten years ago on Christmas Eve, a little girl’s family was murdered in a most grusome way and somehow she survived and ended up in their neighbor’s house. She was so traumatized she was hospitalized in a mental hospital for children for ten years then released because she’s 18 years old. She goes to live with her uncle and his girlfriend who are then murdered in a similar fashion as her family years ago and on the wall says the same thing, “Santa took them.” And the girl vanishes without a trace. Many people think she killed her family all those years ago and now her uncle and his girlfriend. But their heads were all chopped off and she was eight years old. Can an eight year old cut four people’s heads off? It takes place in a small town where homicide is virtually unheard of. Now some people see a Santa girl creeping around the woods and the house where the family was murdered. And a couple teenagers and some adults go missing. And all kinds of weird shit keeps happening. It’s one creepy story! It’s really good, a page turner for sure.

I think in murder mystery fiction books there’s two characters who won’t turn out to be the murderer if the author is good at writing mysteries. The character who seems most likely to be the one. And the character who seems least likely to be the one. The author doesn’t want to make it obvious who the killer is. So the character we just “know” is it, likely isn’t.
But in a way, the character who is least likely to be the killer is kind of obvious because we know how fictional murder mysteries go. They are supposed to be shocking. But knowing this, we may assume it’s the most innocent seeming or weakest person who will be the killer. 
It’s definitely not the explicitly obvious one unless the author suspects we’ll suspect it’s the obvious one, therefore assuming it’s not since it’s so obvious, then decides to make the most obvious one the actual killer because we’ll never see it coming.

That would be disappointing! 

Am I rambling?

It’s interesting because in the beginning of this book there’s a quote by Dr. Sam Loomis. Do you recall who he is? Maybe you haven’t seen the movie. He’s the character in the movie, Halloween, the mental health doctor for Michael, the killer. He says “Death has come to your little town sheriff.” And the author of “Santa Took Them” has that quote in this book on the first page. And in this book, the mental patient’s mental health doctor is also named Dr. Sam Loomis, short for Samantha! I like how he made her a woman with the same name! And same kind of doctor! And the girl is named Michelle and I think that’s a feminine form of Michael. I wonder if there’s anymore little details taken out of Halloween and put in this book with little changes! Maybe the whole book is full of them!

My sister and me before were saying how hilarious it would be to write a really fascinating mystery book with an intentionally sucky ending just for shitz & gigglez. I can’t stop laughing when I think about it. Like a serious mystery that people can’t wait to see unfold then at the end it makes no sense or just cuts off abruptly and says “the end” and there’s no real explanation. Or like if it’s a murder mystery, a realistic one then at the end the murderer turns out to be a flying hot dog or a ghost when the story isn’t a supernatural one. People would be so pissed and want their money back! And their time! Lmao

You think you read books with lousy endings before, you haven’t seen it yet! j/k Luckily for the world I’m not a writer (except here lol), not now, not ever. But my sister is and hopes to publish books and write films one day. She wouldn’t really do that sucky ending thing though! It’s just a funny fantasy. ;-D

Anyway, I just love fiction murder mysteries! (but never real ones) It’s disgusting isn’t it?! My guilty pleasure!

IMG_14171683_1

I’m listening to Tom Jones singing

She’s A Lady – mobile / desktop and it’s a great song! But a bit condescending wouldn’t you say?

“I never would abuse her…”?? Really? No shit, Tom! The way he says it like it’s even an option!

&

“She never asks very much and I don’t refuse her.” Why should she have to ask him for anything like it’s his place to refuse her. He’s not her master!

She always knows her place?
She’s never in the way?

Excuse me??

I can leave her on her own?
What is she your dog or your child or something.

lol But I love the song & music!
Another Guilty pleasure!

😀

Much love,

Xoxo Kim ❤

p.s. I don’t know the end yet of “Santa Took Them” but I have a suspicion of how it will pan out and I would love to write it but I don’t want to in case someone is reading it or planning to, I don’t want to influence the person’s perception but if you don’t mind, I’m going to share my suspicion which may be completely incorrect.

Possible spoil alert

.
.
.
.

I think maybe the mental patient, Michelle, has a dissociative disorder and like a split personality and is killing them but doesn’t consciously know she’s the one killing them. Anyway, I can’t wait to see! 😀

Friday the 13th & Alice Cooper <3

image

” Did you hear that voice
Did you see that face
Or was it just a dream
This can’t be real
That only happens, babe
On the movie screen
Oh, but he’s back
He’s the man behind the mask
And he’s out of control
He’s back” ~ Alice Cooper (He’s Back)

It’s Friday the 13th again! If I recall correctly last month the 13th was also Friday! In honor of Friday the 13th I’m posting some of my favorite Alice Cooper song lyrics! His song “Man Behind the Mask” can be heard at the end of Friday the 13th part 6″ and Alice sings amazing other songs as well, most of which are very dark, about mental illness, insanity, stalking, homicide and being suicidal. Many of his songs are inspired by his real life, his own experiences, people he met. He struggled with alcoholism and mental health conditions. I loved him since I was a little girl and his is the only concert I ever been to! I saw him a few years ago when he came to NJ! ❤ 

I don’t think there’s one song by him I don’t love! I usually don’t like songs about violence but his, I can’t accept because he’s Alice! Lol

He doesn’t actually promote violence, he even has a couple songs bringing awareness to violence against women. He just likes to sing about creepy and horror stuff.

Lol

Here are some of the song lyrics I love so much! 

“Now maybe someday
The sun’s gonna shine
Flowers will bloom
And all will be fine” ~ Alice Cooper (Pick Up the Bones)

This is a very dark and sad song but it has this small sliver if hope in it.

image

“I may be lonely but I’m never alone.” ~ Alice Cooper (I Never Cry) 

No matter how lonely we can sometimes be, we aren’t really alone. 

“Small town debutantes and queens
Every woman has a name
Cocktail waitresses with dreams
Every woman has a name
And every girl who’s loves survives
A broken heart to stay alive
You signed your picture in the frame
Every woman has a name” ~ Alice Cooper (Every Woman Has a NAME)

I love this song! It’s about how every woman is someone. Someone important, no matter what her life is like or what her job (or no job) is, rich or poor, waitress, housewife, or debutante, no matter how broken she is. Every woman has a name. ❤ 

image

“While you’re in work I’m alone
In your room, on your bed and you’ll never know
I like to go through your things
The touch, the smell, the joy it brings
I know where you live
I know where you hide
I know what keeps you alive
I know where you go
I know who you know
I know where your spending your nights” ~ Alice Cooper (Prologue / I Know Where You Live)

This is just a creepy song about a stalking serial killer. 

“She’s not perfect
She’s all mine
She can’t sing or dance
She ain’t got a chance
But baby, I don’t mind” ~ Perfect 

I love it! He sings about how his girl can’t sing or dance or do much of anything well, she’s not perfect but she’s perfect to him! 

“But you and me ain’t no movie stars. 
What we are is what we are. 
We share a bed, 
Some lovin’, 
And TV, yeah. 
That’s enough for a workin’ man. 
What I am is what I am. 
And I tell you, sweetheart 
That’s just enough for me.” ~ Alice Cooper (You and Me)

Beautiful song! Him and his love aren’t any big movie stars and their life is very simple, he just goes to work and comes home and watches tv and eats popcorn with his sweetheart, but it’s good enough for him. So sweet! 

image

(me at a haunted attraction for Halloween)

“This quiet place
It ain’t so new to me
It’s haunted atmosphere
Has heard so many scream
My home from home
My twilight zone
My strangest dream
My confidant
I have confessed my life
The Quiet Room
Knows more about me than my wife”~ Alice Cooper (The Quiet Room)

This song is so heartbreaking but it’s one of my favorites! He’s in a mental hospital, locked in the quiet room (a solitary room in a mental hospital for people who are freaking out or are a threat to themselves or others) and he’s suicidal and is singing to his wife. He doesn’t know how long he has been gone and he’s remembering his life at home, his lawn, his house, and the life he had with his wife. It’s so sad it gives me chills and I can relate so much.

“The city streets are wet with rain tonight
Taxi drivers swerve from lane to lane
A lonely guitar man playin’ down the hall
Midnight blues comin’ through the walls
I tried to call you on the telephone
I left it off the hook
Just to hear it ring
You told me you were better off alone
I never knew that tears could sting” ~ Alice Cooper (Might As Well Be on Mars)

Another wistful song full of heartache and longing. The person he is in love with doesn’t want to see/talk to him right now and this person is so physically close to him,yet he can’t get close enough. I love the beautiful imagery. 

image

“Baby, I could have been someone
I could have been something
It would have been nothing to die for you
Baby, you’re going to need me
You’d better believe me
It would have been easy to die for you” ~ Alice Cooper (Die for You)

 His unconditional love is so obvious in this song! Dying for this person would be so easy to him. 

“Bullets repel off my medals
And my men are in awe when I speak
All chaos my strategy settles
My mere presence gives strength to the weak
For me it seems really alarming
I’m really just only a man
With five million sheep in this army
I seem to be the only one fit to command” ~ Alice Cooper (You’re a Movie)

This is a song about extreme self confidence. Very uplifting and inspiring!  

“Now I’ve seen class, I’ve seen tact
I’ve seen ’em walking down the street with smoke in their stacks
And pouring into limos, they wake up in millionaires’ bedrooms
I’ve seen their hair cut short, black and sleek
Tied in 20 thousand knots so ultra neat
Swearing by the Harper’s Bazaar, like it equalled the Bible
But you look good in rags
With dirt in your hair
Yeah you look good in rags babe
Aw, I don’t care
Yeah Yeah, you look good
Oh you look good in rags
With dirt in your hair
Ah yeah, you look good in anything
Forget about Vogue or them hundred dollar jeans,
You make a 2 dollar T-shirt obscene.” ~ Alice Cooper (You Look Good in Rags)

Girl is so sexy she looks great in rags and dirty hair! Lol

image

Here is the desktop link to “He’s Back”
Video:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GEPwzzjkp-o&app=desktop

Mobile link:

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=GEPwzzjkp-o&persist_app=1&app=m

Here’s another video for one of his songs/

Mobile:

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=LERBv5DSuEc

Desktop:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?app=desktop&persist_app=1&v=LERBv5DSuEc

In this video he’s in a mental hospital writing to his wife about how he misses her and wants their life back and about how he messed up and he gets out and runs home to her to find an ambulance taking her away, she overdosed on alcohol.

So, here are some of my favorite songs! A mixture of hope, inspiration, despair, depression, amusement, darkness, and all!

I hope you’re having a great day! I’m watching “Friday the 13th part 8” with my mom and sister. Jason takes Manhattan!

Xoxo Kim 😀

Fear & Hunger

image

(me then & now)

“Winning isn’t everything. The will to win is the only thing.”

It seems that some emotions or feelings such as fear of death or fear of anything really, and desire for things or people we can’t or shouldn’t have are viewed negatively by many people. Viewed as a weakness, a flaw, something to avoid at all costs. There are self-help books and teachings designed to help us not be afraid and to not desire. Not to fear death or how to overcome the fear of death, not just overcoming an unhealthy phobia but even just any natural, primitive fear of death. Not to feel desire, to not want things we do not have, to just be content with what we already have or to be happy with very little. To not want more. To not want material things because material things are bad and desire is reprehensible. To not feel disappointed if we can’t get more.

It’s like a rebellion against the media, advertising, commercialism, and consumerism.

These are good things. We don’t want fear taking over our lives or being too frequent. And it’s not good to ignore our current blessings just to want more, more, more.

Too much restlessness and ungratefulness are not good.

We often think of disappointment, the feelings we have after not succeeding or getting what we want, wanting what we can’t have, as a bad thing. Sometimes we may feel guilty for acting or feeling ungrateful.

Maybe we feel wimpy for being afraid.

But fear, hunger, and desire are beautiful things. They are not bad. They are not an indication that we are bad or wrong or ungrateful or that we need fixing. We don’t need self help books or anything to help us completely obliterate fear & desire.

It’s fantastic to be happy with very little or with everything we already have but there’s nothing wrong with acknowledging those things with gratitude while also desiring other things now & then.

image

I see things in a way that I would never have if I never suffered with depression. I see through a lens of depression, even when I’m not depressed. (it’s a good thing) I see through depression tinted glasses. Even when I’m very happy. And I wouldn’t have it any other way.

No matter how happy I am, no matter how healed I am in general, I will never lose touch with my depressed self and the deep wisdom it has shown me. And I don’t ever want to lose touch with that part of me.

There are lessons and observations and truths bubbling in my core, ingrained into me, resting in the crevices of my brain, that I would not have come to realize any other way.

For many, many years I suffered with depression and often, very little to no desire, hunger, or fear. Many days, I did not want anything. I did not fear anything. I did not care about anything. There was no hunger for life. No hunger to win. No hunger to get better.

I often did not care if I lived or died. This was not always true. My depression would always lift after a while and I would be happy again. And often, even with depression, I would still have desire, hunger, fear. Often, I would see a carnival or amusement park or jewelry and just have to have it, even as an adult and even while depressed, I would experience joy at seeing an amusement park and run to ask my dad to take my sister and me. Even with depression, I felt the joy. But there was also that other kind of depression that would come and go and I would not have any desire at all. This depression would occur too often but was not the most common. Then all depression would leave me and I would be happy.

When I was a little girl I wanted everything. I wanted every toy in every store. I wanted to go out and play with my friends. I looked up at the sky and I hungered for more. I hungrily devoured the scents, the feels, the sights and sounds, the tastes of Nature. The taste of salt water as the strong Ocean’s waves washed over me, the feel of the dirt that got under my fingernails as I rolled around in the lot my friends and me played in. The blueness of the sky that pierced my matching oceanic blue eyes as I stared innocently into the sun until it blinded me and all I saw were specks of unknown galaxies and dark black shadows of mystery. Mysteries lost in the whites of my eyes, sparkling amidst the invisible spaces of my corneas.

Mysteries I longed to know. But loved the obscurity of.

My immense love for water bugs, roaches, and my wonder at maggots turning into flies almost matched my love for caterpillars, butterflies, songbirds, and the
colorful flowers that bloomed into Spring. This seemed to baffle most of those around me, both the other kids as well as adults. How could anyone love such ugly, repulsive things? The other kids would run screaming at the first sight of a big brown roach while I would drop to my knees in awe and watch closely as one would turn over and play dead. Then I would playfully imitate the scene, lying on my back with my arms and legs crumpled up, tongue sticking out, trying hard not to laugh. I loved the disgust on the faces of those in my audience.

Or I would watch a white maggot squirm and wonder what they’re made of. What makes them white? What gives them the ability to move? Do they have insides like people? Like me? Does a maggot have a heart? My innocent, curious little girl thoughts swirled around inside my head. There was no Internet I was aware of. I couldn’t easily look it up like I can now. So I wondered. I contemplated. I entertained an infinity of ideas, in my little girl ways.

The Internet is a great gift to the world but the absence of the Internet in childhood is also a great, valuable gift. I am happy I had no Internet.

image

image

Bumble bees never scared me like they scared the other kids, even after I was painfully stung by one in the neck and my mom had to remove the stinger as I yelled in anguish and confusion. I would chase them just to catch a glimpse of that yellow fuzz that decorates their bodies, getting as close as I can, feeling a deep connection to another living, beautiful creature. Not very unlike myself. I wanted to run my finger along that fuzz. I never killed insects or bugs out of fear, dislike, or to capture that magical green glow of fireflies in my hands, on a hot Summer night.

I knew that would be one of the worst offenses anyone can commit in this life, like stealing a star out of the sky and keeping it all to myself or taking a jellyfish out of the ocean just to see through that thick clear gelatinous body
all the way through to the spineless depths of her being.

I would look up at a navy, starless midnight sky and just know somewhere deep inside there were no stars because they all burned out, not being able to stand the heaviness and constancy of my endless, annoying wishes. I felt that they had secrets I was never meant to know. I felt both sadness and awe. Awe, a feeling of great wonder, deep inspiration, and a strange kind of fear and respect.

I couldn’t think in these words or concepts at such a young, innocent age. But I felt it in my bones. I felt it venturing throughout my veins and electrifying with each pulsation of my beautiful heart that pounds through my chest. The rhythm of life pounding through me.

I still feel it.

image

As a little girl, my friends and me would build tents out of sleeping bags and sheets and blankets and beach towels, building tents to huddle in and play house together, and pretending as if these tents were our hideouts deep into some lost, secluded woods where we were being chased by a big bad wolf or a deranged stranger, I noticed the rough and smooth sounds of the sheets and nylon sleeping bags as they gently brushed together. I was struck by the infinite beauty of something so simple. Time stood still.

Listen to that! It’s like music!

Kim, you’re just crazy!

Maybe.

I would eat fun-dip candy until my tongue bled and stung, like catching a mini falling star on the tip of my tongue as if it were a snowflake. I would stare at the white stick streaked with my blood, my beautiful life sustaining fluid, in awe. There was something wondrous about eating delicious colored powder until my little tongue started leaking pink-red blood onto white. There was something thrilling about that sting. The coppery, metallic taste in combination with the sweetness of powder. I loved the burn in my chest. I would happily run to inform my mom, as if it were my greatest accomplishment. Holding up the white stick to show her this magic I discovered. But my wonder was never met with satisfaction and praise as I always hoped. Instead my mom would tell me to quit eating the candy.

image

Unlike most kids I knew, I happily anticipated going back to school when Summer ended and shopping with my mom for school supplies, shoes, and clothes. I couldn’t sleep the night before my first day back. Happy, grateful thoughts raced across my mind. I wanted to get up and dance. I wondered who I would meet. What would I learn? Even now the memory of that feeling thrills me. The great potential of meeting new friends, seeing old friends, the thrill of new teachers, and learning new things I would run home to proudly share with my mom and dad. Wondering what desk I would sit at, what kids I would be grouped with, who would my work partners and playmates be…

I loved shopping not just to get the stuff but the whole feel of shopping for it with my mom, seeing all the other shoppers, the feel of the back to school spirit all around me, the endless commercials advertising impressive things for going back to school. The scent of new, blank notebooks with white, lined pages just waiting to be filled and freshly sharpened pencils and broken crayons in a multitude of fascinating colors with fascinating names. “Tickle me pink.”

The big fruit scented markers in a disarray of colors and soft, squishy pencil erasers that felt like rubbery cement upon my fingertips. The various shapes of pencil sharpeners. I even loved the idea of white-out and couldn’t wait to make mistakes just to get to white it out. I loved the containers it always came in, the little bottles and then the other kind that came out, no longer like liquidy liquid but a little sponge that smoothly glides across the paper.

I always loved how it smelled mixed with paper and ink as it wafted up to tickle the scilia in my nose. In school we were not usually permitted to use pens so I had no use for white-out so my mom and dad would buy me it for home. I cherished the opportunity to give out valentine’s day and Christmas cards with paper hearts and candy canes taped on and would usually make one up for every kid in class. It felt so beautiful making them all happy with a sweet little card and I always had some to bring home too with sweet little messages of friendship.

I loved the feel of being in school surrounded by other kids, cared for by teachers. Immersed in the glow of the whole environment. My hungry curiosity soaking up all the information my little brain could hold. I took in all the fragrances of the classroom, the smell of food, pencil lead and shavings, washable, markers, non toxic paint, clay…,the chatter, the laughter, and all the emotions swirling about, through the air. People, children & adults alike, always told my mom how “crazy” it is a girl can love school so much.

image

Each day after school, I couldn’t wait til my friends came out and we ran through the streets and the abandoned lots. We snuck up onto the railroad and secretly climbed the gates to trespass into people’s backyards with the possibility of getting caught hanging over our heads, both thrilling us and frightening us.

As I sit here and write this, I can smell the fragrance of the green grass that filled my nose and lungs in the Summers all those years ago, I can smell the sundrenched metal on my hands after climbing the fence surrounding the big lot we played in, I can feel the richness of the soil we buried treasures in and searched for wiggly worms in with our bare hands and little fingers, I can taste the magic of the glistening snowflakes as they landed on my tongue in the dead of Winter, I feel the crisp Fall air as it caressed my skin, I feel the rainy mist and the floral beauty of Spring as it bloomed into my essence after that long, cold slumber finally ended. I hear the childish screams and laughter, the innocent taunts “takes one to know one! Last one there is a chicken brain…! I’m rubber you’re glue whatever you say bounces off of me and sticks to you! Traitor! Dirtball! Kimbo Bimbo!!

I can still hear the songs we listened to as our small bodies happily danced up and down the street, the songs that skipped and stopped and started back up as a result of my scratched up CD’s I never took good care of. I can feel the sunlight dancing upon the rain puddles after a heavy storm and the bruises and burns of the scrapes, like little sun beams, that adorned my knees as I did somersaults, went tumbling endlessly down the hills we used to play upon near the railroad, only to smack hard into the low concrete walls that surrounded the sandy, rocky spaciousness when I reached the end, and burst out laughing.

My Earth colored hair soaked in mud and sweat and grit as it tangled into an unrecognizable mass of chaos and beautiful destruction.

I can taste it today.

I sit here and my head overflows like cauldrons of emotion, nostalgia, longing, joy, happiness, pain, a deep ache way deep inside in some mysterious place of me I can’t quite identify, crackling and sizzling to the brim, on an old stove as brilliant purple and orange flames swallow it up. I see colors and stars and thousands of burning suns and glowing moons, everywhere.

It reminds me of a line in LeeAnn Womack’s song, “I Hope You Dance”. One I reference often.

“…get your fill to eat but always keep that hunger.”

I was satisfied with the beauty all around me but I always wanted more. I got my fill but I kept that hunger. Each day I couldn’t wait to go outside and play in the dirt, the snow, the grass, the rain and oily, muddy puddles my feet loved to dance in, the leaves, the worms and rolly pollies….I was astounded by the beauty in every form it came to me. My senses passionately, greedily devoured every bit of it. I was filled with wonder & awe. And I was very aware of this wonder and awe that always breathed in my lungs and flowed with my blood like a starry serenade.

image

image

I desired things I couldn’t always have. I wanted every toy, every book, every pair of shoes the instant I saw them and I would throw brief conniptions Sometimes on the rare occasions I was told no. I thought it was the worst thing to want and not get.

I also felt fear. I feared my own death even though I was too young to truly understand the full concept. I feared getting lost. I feared getting sick. I feared deeply. Fear did not take over my life but I experienced a healthy dose.

But then I gradually developed mild depression and I saw beauty still but not to the same depth. I couldn’t quite feel it as much. But it was still there. Then my lowgrade depression turned to severe, unbearable depression that consumed me in its darkness, pulling me into the secret black waters of its depths, I was submerged in despair, hit like a bag of bricks, with this thick, heavy darkness, and I saw beauty but almost never felt it as deeply. It jumped out at me and I noticed it to some degree, still noticing the simplest things it seemed no one else noticed or cared for, like the taste of cold air, the sounds of crickets, the smoothness of floor tiles, the cars and trucks sloshing through the rain in the flooded streets, the soles of shoes squeeking on bright white floors, the light reflections bouncing off of metal, the smell of hospitals and medicine and healing, the salty taste of longing, the way my soft hands feel in warm weather as they softly stroke utility poles and the wood of public benches, in fact, I seemed to notice it even more now…but it was shadowed by gray and darkness. I wanted to want it. But I just couldn’t to the extent I once hungered for it. And on some of those instances I paid too much attention and I did begin to really feel beauty again, I would shield myself against it, feeling as if I don’t deserve it, that this world is too beautiful for someone as ugly as me.

I noticed the city lights softly bathing the pavements and streets, the sounds of trains rolling across the tracks, the Beauty of the

soft rhythms of car horns in the distance late into the night while most of the world around me remained asleep, laughter out in the streets, the starlight illuminating the night, music notes riding the air as neighbors played love songs all night long, the wind that danced through my long hair. The scent of soil after the rain, the taste of cold air, the feel of soft fleece against my delicate, sensitive skin that brought me a sense of comfort, the sense of unity that surrounded me during the holidays, the creaking of floorboards beneath my feet, the green glow of fireflies, the gentle creases on people’s faces, the laughlines and the wisdom, the curve of shoulders, the little hairs in the big, dark, moles on the face of the girl I used to see on a bus often, the things I have always known are beautiful that others believe are ugly or not worth noticing. And it was all incredibly beautiful but too often I closed myself off to it.

I forced myself not to notice it. I wanted that beauty but I did not want to want it. I believed I wasn’t deserving and it hurt me. I have always been blessed with an ability to notice, acknowledge, and appreciate things, incredibly simple and mundane things, in a way it seems most around me almost never do or never notice and appreciate in the same way I always did. I have always loved simplicity and monotony. And not just the things themselves but the fact of experiencing them, the whole experience itself. And I have always lived in gratitude and some degree of mindfulness even before it became my intentional way of life. Even before I knew what gratitude or mindfulness even is.

I was never quite able to put it into words.

I was not brought up this way. It just lives in me. It always has. It always will.

Most children are more mindful and grateful than adults I believe, it’s a child’s nature, but mine seemed on fire and still is to this day. As we’re growing up, we often lose that sense of childish wonder to some extent, just getting caught up in the obligations and expectations and stresses of everyday life. Mine was hindered by depression but then brought back to life by depression way more intense than it was before depression.

Now even in the throes of a deep, deep depression, I don’t shield myself against that beauty. Instead, I cling to it for my life.

When I’m depressed, I can’t feel it to the same depth usually, as when I’m not depressed but I still easily notice it and can feel it to some degree. And I seize it and hold on tight.

Like a lifeboat out on some distant shore waiting for my grasp, promising to save me if only I reach out.

That wonder never left me completely.

image

Even in a psychiatric hospital under suicide watch for weeks, as a young woman, when I got my hands on a pen without anyone knowing (mental patients weren’t allowed to have pens) I was thrilled beyond belief. A doctor accidentally left it on a table and the second he walked away I snatched it up and it hid it and when we had to sign in for a group therapy session I was just the coolest thing around, signing my name with a pen in big bold, blue, letters, while every other patient had to use a pencil. ;-D

image

And the day I found a paperclip in the visiting room and hid it because it was just the most amazing thing to have a prohibited and somewhat sharp object in my possession while under suicide watch. I got both the pen and the clip taken off me when they saw me strolling the halls with them in my hands.

:-/

My mind drifts back now
to that moment my sense of taste returned while in the cafeteria, after what seemed like an eternity.

I am sitting around a small table with my friends who are not my friends but intimate strangers, all held together by some kind of lonely bond. No laces in our shoes, plastic forks and spoons, strings removed out of our hoods, plastic bracelet around my slender wrist bearing my name that then seemed
anomalous to me.

Struck by the sharp taste of the potatoes, struck in a delicious way, like meteor showers.
blasting through my whole being. Still so deeply and heavily depressed but

holding onto that moment as if my life depends on it. A moment surrounded by people who understand my pain and bizarre thoughts.

When they took me to the court of mental heath and I was the star of the show, I was fascinated. It felt so bizarre and so intriguing to be the center of attention, everyone talking about me but not to me. I wasn’t allowed to speak unless spoken to and no one spoke to me til the end when my lawyer and me lost the case and I was involuntarily hospitalized even longer. I sat in a zombified state, lifeless, sedated not by medication but deep emotional pain. But some moments my hunger returned. My hunger for knowledge, my fascination for how laws and courtrooms operate. Even in the midst of depression, there were always moments of joy, life, zest, beauty…Often, my depression was deep pain but on less common occasions, it was numb, lifelessness. This was even worse but especially made everything more beautiful when it would lift.

Even in my deepest, blackest despair in a mental hospital I stood with a young man, another sick patient, as we marveled at the vibrancy and color of the life in the courtyards outside the windows, just beyond our reach.
Tantalizing and beautiful. And heartbreaking. And breathtaking. We stood in breathless wonder, even while held in the agonizing bondage of our sickness, invisible fetters keeping us chained in darkness and psychosis.

image

He brought my attention to it, bringing a small spark of life back into me, a thin sliver of feeling to my zombefied state when he showed me the solitary flower that seemed to blossom just for the two of us, reminding me that life still exists beyond the pain as he showed me a bright red flower bathing in the golden, fiery, sunlight. Even the thin sliver of life, that

sparkle of electricity that surged through my body was enough in that moment. Just enough. This reminded me and continues to remind me to grasp and embrace whatever gems of beauty are before me, surrounding me, within me, in any form they exist. No matter how much it hurts or how lifeless or hopeless it feels. There is always something to hold. Something to move forward for. Even if it’s just a tattered thread blowing in the bitter
cold winds of despair.

image

I think of the nights we are kept awake by the sound of each other’s insomnia and the silent but screaming tears the night weeps onto our surface and into our core, and those moments we are able to laugh with one another as if we were never sick, as if we never knew the lifelessness and horror of depression and psychosis. Laughing uncontrollably without holding back, everything else is pushed aside for a moment, all the despair, the hallucinatory voices & figures that
stalk
the
nights, the suffocating loneliness, the paranoid delusions, the puddles of emotional sickness, we laugh relentlessly in raw joy and all is momentarily Ok.

image

I recall the day a group of us got together and decided to trick the psychiatric technicians and pretend we were talking to people who weren’t really there. She knew we were faking and laughed with us playfully warning us “just wait til the doctors get here and see if you get to go home any time soon, you’ll never get out of here!” We quit real fast!

image

And the day I was going to be discharged to go home which happened to be the day they were having an ice cream party but not until later, after a couple of us had to leave. I wanted ice cream and to sit around with the others and I seriously, very briefly considered telling them I was still suicidal. I wasn’t. But it was almost worth it to pretend. Just weeks before I would not even get out of bed for breakfast. My hunger got stronger each day.

I have always known a certain awareness that most others I know or encounter seem oblivious to.

There are moments I have felt lonely in my ability to see and appreciate the things it seems many or most overlook. It reminds me of a scene in Edith Wharton’s, Ethan Frome.

“He had always been more sensitive than the people about him to the appeal of natural beauty. His unfinished studies had given form to this sensibility and even in his unhappiest moments field and sky spoke to him with a deep and powerful persuasion. But hitherto the emotion had remained in him as a silent ache, veiling with sadness the beauty that evoked it. He did not even know whether any one else in the world felt as he did, or whether he was the sole victim of this mournful privilege. Then he learned that one other spirit had trembled with the same touch of wonder: that at his side, living under his roof and eating his bread, was a creature to whom he could say: ‘That’s Orion down yonder; the big fellow to the right is Aldebaran, and the bunch of little ones – like bees swarming – they’re the Pleiades…’ or whom he could hold entranced before a ledge of granite thrusting up through the fern while he unrolled the huge panorama of the ice age, and the long dim stretches of succeeding time. The fact that admiration for his learning mingled with Mattie’s wonder at what he taught was not the least part of his pleasure. And there were other sensations, less definable but more exquisite, which drew them together with a shock of silent joy: the cold red of sunset behind winter hills, the flight of cloud-flocks over slopes of golden stubble, or the intensely blue shadows of hemlocks on sunlit snow. When she said to him once: ‘It looks just as if it was painted!’ it seemed to Ethan that the art of definition could go no farther, and that words had at last been found to utter his secret soul….” (pp. 24)

I was shocked the moment I first read those beautiful lines. Pleasantly shocked. I feel myself in those words and in the small but profound spaces in the middle of each little lexeme.

It can be frustrating and also beautiful to feel as if those around me cannot or won’t share in my sense of wonder at the simple beauty all around us. The forgotten. The ignored. The abandoned.

The things I make it a point each day to reclaim.

image

(I STILL do this when I get happy, thrilled, overwhelmed in joy!) 😀

It’s one reason I love poetry and photography and novels. They have the potential to capture beauty, ugliness, pain, and ordinary things in an extraordinary way. Shedding light on dark, abandoned places and spaces. Places and spaces I have always longed to color with the beauty of my Truth.

And it’s beautiful.

They have a way of replicating wonder and awe and fossilizing them. Bringing them to life. Bringing them to the surface of consciousness. Threading them throughout eternity like a beautiful tapestry of gold and red, fire and ice.

I have always had a poetic way of seeing things. My head spins the world into poetry and song.

It doesn’t always make sense. Sometimes it’s incomprehensible even to me. But it’s always wonderful.

So even in my desperation, my depression, my despair, and lifelessness, I often noticed and wanted these beautiful things but I closed my heart to them, shut it off as if encased in thick cement.

Sometimes I wanted to want things and couldn’t.

Other occasions I wanted things I did not want to want.

Still, other occasions I wanted nothing and did not want to want anything but to vanish into nothingness or die a horrible violent death to match the horrible violent feelings inside me. This was rare.

This went on for years and years, and more years, off and on with genuine happiness thrown into the mix here & there. Until I finally decided to get myself better. I asked for help. I work on myself relentlessly to be the best me I can be(not a perfectionist).

Now I feel beauty everywhere, every day. And I feel fear more. Fear for myself.

Have you ever been crossing a street or standing at a curb on a pavement and a car seems to be coming too close to you and a bolt of fear runs though you? Or have you ever been in a car and another car almost hits the one you’re in or actually hits it and you feel a bit shaken for a while after and you feel it’s a bad thing? I don’t think most people have true near death experiences but I think many/most of us have experienced at least one of those mundane occurrences like with cars coming a bit too close, maybe an encounter with a creepy stranger, walking up a dark street alone and hearing footsteps or seeing/hearing something that makes the hairs on your neck stand up. Or a person driving a car you’re in a little too fast and you fear for others but also yourself.

All these experiences may shake you up a bit but that is an amazing thing!

It shows that you are healthy. You’re meant to be afraid when you think you’re in danger.

Desire.

Have you ever walked through a store and saw expensive things you strongly desired but couldn’t have? Jewelry? Designer clothes? Beautiful furniture? Antiques? A lovely handbag? A gorgeous dress? Ever laid eyes on a beautiful house you couldn’t buy?
And then you felt low for not being able to buy them…for not having them…

Have you ever wanted to win a game so badly or a competition of some sort? Ever wanted to be accepted to a certain school and graduate? Or applied for a job you desperately wanted?

And it did not turn out how you wanted it to and you felt devastated…

This too is a great thing! It’s healthy to want, to need, to hunger….and to be disappointed when it doesn’t turn out.

Just like when a very physically ill person is too sick to eat or even want food then the person begins getting better and appetite and physical hunger returns and the person’s doctor or mom says how great it is. Because it’s healthy to want to eat.

Have you ever shielded yourself against beauty and things you want, feeling as if it’s wrong to want them or feeling as if you deserve none of it?

I encourage you to embrace the beauty around you and within you. Embrace your hunger, your fear, your desire. Whether or not you act on it.

It’s healthy to want.

Wanting is more important than getting.

Desiring, itself, is to be cherished, valued for all that it stands for. For all that it is.

It shows you are an active participant in life.

I had this epiphany, I guess you can say, in greater depth one day recently walking through Target. I saw so much jewelry, real and fake, I wanted but could not get. I felt disappointed. The way I wanted it was more than desire. It was hunger. The bracelets, the earrings, the necklaces, the bags that can make a girl go weak at the knees!…and then I remembered various occasions years ago walking through that very same store, seeing all that jewelry but not caring to have it even though I loved it, or wanting it but not with the same enthusiasm I would now, because of being depressed, or wanting it and becoming more depressed for not being able to have it. (There were definitely occasions back then when I was not depressed at all and wanted it all but depression was frequent back then.)

That’s when I realized more how great it is and feels to desire what I love. Even when I cannot have it. I don’t always desire material objects like that even when I’m not depressed; generally I’m so happy with just the things I already have. I can often walk through stores without wanting everything I lay eyes on. And that’s a good thing too. But it’s not good to have no interests because depression or guilt saps it all away. Some people have reached a certain level of spirituality where they want almost nothing and do not fear death even when it’s currently staring them in the face but not because of an illness, because they have trained their brains to not be concerned with material things or external factors. They are happy this way. They are not numb. They are alive. This is a good thing. Most of us, though, are not spiritual like this or to this extent. So when we have desire and fear, it’s good.

I think it’s hard for non depressed people and maybe even some depressed people to realize this. It’s ok to want and not get and then be temporarily devastated or angry or disappointed. It’s healthy to a certain point.

After years of pain, numbness, and lifelessness, off and on, I realize this. I was stuck and stagnant. I was half dead.
This was not always, I definitely experienced happy intervals along with depressed episodes and waves but it was too frequent.

When I used to think I was going to die, I was sometimes either happy or indifferent.

Seeing a speeding truck coming at me only provoked my concern for others, not myself.

When depression lifts completely or layers lift…

I realize how beautiful it feels to want to paint my nails, to want to put makeup on because it’s fun, to want to walk through a store and buy things even when I don’t have the money.

I wanted these things sometimes even when I was depressed but not to the same extent. They often felt like hassles or obligations. Or just tainted in gray. Dull gray. Or the color of vomit. A faded kind of green. A lifeless shade of green-gray.

Often, when depressed, I would see things I wanted to want or see things I knew I would want if I wasn’t lost in a vicious kind of darkness tearing me to pieces, choking me, swallowing me whole.

When not depressed, or even less depressed,
I want to paint my nails. I want to choose eye shadow of various pretty colors to complement the vibrancy of the blue of my eyes. I want to wear pretty clothes that look amazing on my beautiful physique.

I want things I can’t have and it hurts.

And it’s beautiful.

I still get depressed and am consumed by the dark pain or I get the other kind of depression, the kind that numbs me and I feel nothing, which sometimes feels worse than the unbearable pain. Before, it was not constant but it was frequent. My happiness was genuine when it would lift and my happiness would stay a while but that depression would always come back and sometimes quickly or it would come and go quickly off and on.

It is less frequent now. And I realize more and more the deep, primitive beauty of hunger & fear.

When I come out of a severe depression, when it starts to lift, I am hungry. Ravenous. Not hungry for food but hungry for life and everything in it. Hungry for the colors in the wind, the textures, the tastes, the sounds, the feelings and fragrances. Food tastes better than I can ever remember, an out of this world kind of deliciousness.. Music and songs are beautiful in an unfathomable way, my mind feels clear and hope is restored. This is how it has always been for me since I was 13 years old and a depressive episode would lift. It was never mania, just true happiness that really stands out after so much darkness and pain.

My judgment can be trusted.

I become ravenous, rapacious, like a starved, wild animal. My eyes, my mind devour anything they can.
It’s like I can’t get enough.
It reminds me of a blind person who was blind his/her whole life then all of a sudden can see and it’s overwhelming. Everything jumps out at once, the sensory input is too much to bear at once, dizziness, confusion, clashing, mind-blowing.
But it’s beautiful because the person can see.

I was blind but now I see.

It reminds me of the novel “The Secret Garden,” a beautiful story of growth, hope, and rebirth.

It reminds me of when I had emergency surgery on my kidney when I was a girl of twenty-one years. I couldn’t eat for days, I was in pain and had an IV drip for a couple days. When I got a little bit better, I was starved. I was hungry.
I craved food like never before.
And pizza fries and Coca Cola never tasted so good. I was so happy. At 21 years old, like at most other ages, I experienced deep depression off and on but also, deep, deep happiness.

I feel the entire universe inside me in all its perfections and flaws, all its beauty and pain. Its joy and misery, happiness, and despair. And I am born again.

When I look up at the sky or at a bumblebee or at thin blades of green grass or weeds, I see poetry and music and paintings. When I’m in a dark room and I look at a door, ajar with just a streak of light seeping in through the narrow crack, I see photography. When I look at strangers on a bus or walking up the street, when I see traffic speeding in the rain on a dreary gray day, I see novels flash across my mind. When I think of my pain, I feel a story. A story to be written and told again and again to reach out and touch someone else for the better.

image

I’m not manic. I know what mania is. I don’t have it. It’s an illness and the people struck with it can’t think clearly even when they think they can and have clouded judgment. I can remain and think in a calm manner even when I think and feel this way. I know I am not invincible. My judgment is sound and I am not delusional in this case I mention here. And I know there are reasonable limits and rules I must adhere to and I do. Mine is not dangerous like mania can be. But what I describe here may resemble that illness. It’s not to be confused with it. Mine is an awakening, an awareness triggered by an illness of the mind, one that has ravaged my brain for years. It’s not an illness itself. I don’t always feel this ecstacy when I’m happy. Sometimes it’s more of a calm serenity, a quiet joy. But it’s just as fierce.

image

If you want something you don’t have, it’s ok. It’s best not to let it take over your life and make you miss out on all the goodness you do have and it’s usually best I believe, not to feel our worth is dependent upon external factors but it’s ok to desire, to hunger. And it’s ok to be angry, disappointed, devastated for a while, that we can’t have it yet or ever. Even if it’s something trivial like jewelry or a fun vacation. Bask in the beauty of that hunger to be better, to have more, to get away…bask in that desire and the disappointment.

Sit with it.

Then remember all the greatness you possess and are and let that disappointment And desire dissolve.

And be happy now.

Did you ever think of disappointment as a good thing?

I’m here to open you up to another perspective.

image

You don’t have to be someone with longterm depression like me to get an idea of what I write of. That’s one reason why we write, to help others understand and discover wisdom without ever experiencing what we have. And to let those with similar experiences know they are never alone.

The worst thing is not to want and not get. The worst thing is to be dead. And half dead. To not want at all because you are too lifeless to care. Or too lifeless to have the energy to even begin to desire or fear. And it’s ok to be half dead. If you are half dead then you are half alive. And you can awaken that other half.

image

When you have a brush with death and your body turns to jelly, bask in the beauty of that fear. Embrace it. Keep tasting it. You’re alive. And you want to be alive.

Revel in the wonder of that trembling.

Trembling in awe. Trembling in fear.

Trembling.

Don’t shield yourself against the beauty you know. Try not to mask your desire and fear with feelings of guilt because we’re taught it’s wrong to want, to need, to fear, to get.

Let’s be happy, thrilled, overjoyed with the simplest of all the beauty around us. And nOt too

disappointed too long when we don’t get what we want. And let us keep reaching for the stars. I have always been naturally inclined to notice and love the simple beauty but I learned to strengthen my nature, make it more conscious, intentional.

Keep wanting more, keep desiring, keep trying, keep fearing.

Get your fill to eat. But always, always, keep that hunger.

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=nICs–86Vng

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=RV-Z1YwaOiw&app=m&persist_app=1
😀

Read “The Secret Garden” for free here:
http://www.gutenberg.org/files/113/113-h/113-h.htm

Read “Ethan Frome” for free here:
http://www.gutenberg.org/files/4517/4517-h/4517-h.htm

Xoxo Kim

Night Shift

image

“We all take different paths in life, but no matter where we go, we take a little of each other everywhere.” Tim McGraw

One of my favorite songs is Night Shift, a song released in January 1985 in the US. It’s sung by the Commodores and written by  Walter Orange, who used to be the lead singer of the Commodores, in collaboration with Dennis Lambert and Franne Golde. The song is a tribute to Jackie Wilson and Marvin Gaye, soul/R&B singers, who both died in 1984.

It’s a beautiful song that I loved since I was a little girl. But I never truly understood the message until I grew up. I have always loved the images my mind conjures up when I listen to or think about the song. I always could sense that the song is about love and mixed with both sorrow and pain and love and joy. I have a live version (at least it sounds live, I hear them talking and people screaming and cheering but I guess they could have made it sound like that for a certain effect or feel or something) on my phone that I bought on BlackBerry App World a while ago before blackberry got rid of their music app in this form. I usually don’t care much for live versions of songs. I think they have the potential to be even better than the studio recorded ones because they can be more “raw” or candid or whatever the word is I’m searching for. Lol And I love the passion of the people screaming and singing together. 

It reminds me of pictures of beautiful models I have seen. They are gorgeous in their professional photos but often their candid, “behind the scenes”, photos capture their true, raw beauty even better in my opinion. Their “flaws” and realness are beautifully revealed. It’s not as staged or “set up.” It doesn’t have to be perfect or meet any expectations that people may have of the photographer or the woman in the photo. It just is what it is. 

So live songs can be wonderful in their candidness, in their liberty to just be.

But they usually just suck. 

Once in a blue moon though I find a live version I love more than the non live ones and this is one(i think). I wasn’t aware that it is a live version or sounds live when I bought it or I wouldn’t have bought it because I would have thought it wouldn’t be good. I’m so thankful I wasn’t aware of that fact because it’s the most beautiful version! When I first bought it and tried to listen to it I was about to just delete it the second I heard that it sounds live but then I noticed it sounds incredible and I gave it a chance! Best thing I could have done! That’s a lesson to me to always give things a chance! I never know what beauty I can be missing out on in my closed-mindedness. I wish I could share it here but I can’t because it’s probably not allowed. Copyright issues, I guess?  But the video I’m sharing of the song at the end is just as good!

“Marvin, he was a friend of mine
And he could sing a song
His heart in every line
Marvin sang of the joy and pain
He opened up our minds
And I still can hear him say
Aw talk to me so you can see
What’s going on
Say you will sing your songs
Forevermore (evermore)”

“Jackie (Jackie), hey what you doing now
It seems like yesterday
When we were working out
Jackie (Jackie, oh) you set
The world on fire
You came and gifted us
Your love it lifted us
Higher and higher
Keep it up and
We’ll be there
At your side
Oh say you will sing
Your songs forevermore (evermore)”

I love how it’s a beautiful tribute to their friends and amazing singers and people but it’s also an incredible message to the world. 

image

Even after a person is no longer in this world with us, that person lives on in our hearts forever, whether it’s someone we knew personally or a famous actor, singer, or writer. A philosopher or a poet, a blogger or musician, a pet….we all will live on in our stories and our love that we put out into the world. Our message will linger on in the breath and heartbeat of the world. Our love will pulsate throughout the wind, the trees, the moon and the stars, the sun, the minds of all those we were able to touch in some way.

One person can touch many lives even after this life is over. Your life is your message to the world and you can be inspiring people you don’t even know exist just by being you! 

There is someone out there in the world for everyone. And I’m not just talking about a romantic  lover or a platonic friend. I’m talking about a soulmate/soulfriend. Not just in a romantic sense but someone who your life will resonate with on a deep level even if you don’t meet each other in person. Someone’s life who your life and way of loving will speak to deeply, directly, and profoundly.

Someone who desires or needs just what you are, just what you have to say, write, give, or be. 
And there can even be more than one! 

What a beautiful profound message this song is! And the music is amazing too.
This song is full of passion and riddled
with love.
They miss their friends but as they sing….. 

“It’s gonna be alright.”

Because they will live on in our hearts forever.

We all have a song to breathe out into the world to find whoever may be searching for or longing for our message. 

“Gonna miss your sweet voice
That soulful noise
On the nightshift
We all remember you
Ooh the songs are coming through
At the end of a long day
It’s gonna be okay
On the nightshift
You found another home
I know you’re not alone
On the nightshift”

Here is the video to the song:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?app=desktop&persist_app=1&v=_WrI_qLVt8A

And always remember, you’re not alone…on the night shift! Even when it feels like it!

😀

Xoxo Kim

How To Find Your Power

image

“I could sneer, I could glare say that
Life is so unfair and the one who Made it, made it ’cause her breasts
Were really big” ~ Jill Sobule

I have never been starstruck or celebrity crazed. I’m not into TV, the personal lives of celebrities just because they are famous, their drama or the drama people bring to them. I find it appalling that people chase them around with cameras, seriously invading their personal space, nearly getting them into accidents, stalking them, stalking and taking pictures of their kids!!!, verbally bash them out of jealousy, and all the other nonsense. The fact that they’re famous and knew this would likely occur does not make it ok or make the barbarians any less responsible for their dangerous and annoying actions. Not all famous people necessarily want to be famous. Some want to do whatever the job is and just have to accept the popularity that comes along with it. Some probably want to be actors, singers, and other things that will potentially make them famous, but not the fame itself, still wanting to live a life not being known and heckled by everyone who looks at them out in public. Fame is just a byproduct of certain jobs. Some like it. Some don’t.  But whether or not they chose or want the fame doesn’t justify other people’s reckless and negative actions towards them when it’s interfering directly with their lives.
I don’t believe celebrities are generally any more or any less intelligent or wise than those in the general population. 
They just have the ability to reach many more people and affect people at greater magnitudes because of it, usually.
When they have wisdom and a message and a cause and a story, they can reach millions upon millions of people.

But we who aren’t famous can still impact a number of lives somehow. And just reaching one, touching one heart for the better is amazing.
I don’t care that they’re rich. That’s the life they chose. They work for it. I can probably be rich too if I were determined, dedicated, skilled, and motivated enough to do what it takes and also desired a job that happens to have a mind-blowing paycheck come along with it. But I’m not. And I don’t care. The kind of job I want won’t make me financially rich and it doesn’t matter to me. It’s the satisfaction and value to others that the job will bring that I’m desiring.

Many people argue that celebrities don’t deserve the money just for acting or whatever. While that may be true, the point is, it’s the job they chose and most of us can choose the job we want as long as we have the appropriate skills and ability and motivation. Not all of us want to be actors or are driven or talented enough to be even if we wanted. Maybe our calling just doesn’t happen to bring with it such money. If you’re fortunate enough to strongly, passionately desire something,whatever it may be, have the skills it takes to obtain and maintain it and become financially rich, all the power to you!

And if you have all that but don’t get financially rich for it, still all the power to you! What really matters is if you’re fulfilled and living how you want!
I don’t see that it’s necessarily unfair in a way, that they get so much money, more than I have and more than other jobs.  Because we can all choose to seek well-paying jobs if we have the skills. We won’t always get the job quickly, it may take a while, just like some celebrities struggle for a while before a big break and sometimes even after. And if we don’t have the skills, it’s not unfair. Some people are talented and geniuses at some things and not others. Some people have natural talents while some don’t. Some people have disabilities, illnesses, obstacles that others don’t. It’s just the way the world works. Many people have so much more than me. More money, more skills, more knowledge, more wisdom, more friends, more experience ….and many have less. That goes for most of us. It is what it is. 
I think some people with certain jobs deserve just as much money as celebrities, and appreciation they don’t always receive, police officers, doctors, and others who save lives and risk their own.
I don’t think it’s the celebrities’ fault though that they don’t get paid like that and they do.

We can make a choice to take what we have and do the best we can while letting others also do that even if they seem to have better circumstances. 
We can “bloom where we’re planted” while  encouraging one another, celebrate each other, cheer each other on, celebrity or not. We’re all in this together. We can allow the success, happiness, accomplishments, and fortunes of other people to inspire us, motivate us, and guide us instead of letting it depress us or make us bitter or jealous.
It’s true some people have it easier but no matter what obstacles stand in our way, we can prevail somehow. And even the most successful and happy, joyful people can encounter problems, pain, and stress.

Famous and rich people are not gods, not invincible, not necessarily people to look up to merely because they are celebrities, not people to hold to greater standards than other people and criticize harder when they fall, in my opinion, not people to hold grudges against or not takes seriously merely because of their celebrity status.
I know some people disagree and think they’re morally obligated to be responsible and send positive messages to others. It would be great if they do but I don’t think they’re really obligated. It’s great if we all set positive examples for each other. But it’s usually not our obligation. 
 But some are worthy of being looked up to as positive examples just like some non celebs.
Rich and famous people are susceptible to pain, death, tragedy, illness, breakups, bankruptcy, bullying, abuse, breakdowns, loss, eating disorders, substance abuse, grief, mental health conditions, stress, discrimination, being detested, suicide, accidents, overdoses, being stalked, attacked, killed, assaulted….just like the rest of us.

And rich and famous people can also share deep wisdom and inspire us, and bring light & love to our world. Just like people who aren’t famous or financially rich.

“I don’t wanna get bitter like you
Like you, with the darts in your eyes
Like you, with disdain for mankind
I was charmed, now I wonder” ~ Jill Sobule

I just found now, a celebrity who has quickly won my heart. Yup, I’m in love. 
Her name is Selena Gomez. 

image

And the fact that she’s a famous person isn’t what inspires me. But if she were not famous I probably would not have the opportunity I now have been blessed with, to know her beauty.
I was doing self discovery/authentic self/art journaling activities, cutting out things in random old magazines when I came across something about Selena Gomez. I heard/read her name on various occasions but never really knew anything about her, never cared to, really. Just that she’s famous. I was never sure what she’s famous for, what she looks like, or anything else.
I do love reading celebrity personal interviews sometimes, no matter who they are, because I get a feel for the person’s true personality and we all know how much I love people. I’m just not more interested in celebrities than other people because of their status. 
I love looking at pretty girls in magazines and getting hair, makeup, clothing style….ideas and see lots of gorgeous faces and beautiful bodies all throughout the magazines but I don’t always read about celebrities, just look and cut stuff out for arts and crafts activities.
I saw this page in a magazine with incredibly inspiring phrases and I was thrilled! I was about to cut them out and glue them into my journal when I saw one that says “Support Your Girls.” I assumed it was about boobs and a great bra and looking pretty. And I thought wow can’t go wrong with that one! Until I read the phrase underneath which reads “I love my girl friends more than I’ve loved any of my boyfriends….
I realized it’s Selena Gomez who said that. And what she has to say is beyond amazing.
She loves her best girls and other girls she knows of, even ones she never met personally. Her friends love and support her and  stand by her always, including when the men she has been romantically involved with did not. She loves women who empower other women. Taylor Swift is one of those girls she loves who empowers other girls. And this other girl Demi. 
I love Taylor Swift also. She’s all for love and seems like a total sap like mee!!
Selena Gomez wants girls and women to stop comparing negatively, stop the competitions with fashion, best friends, and lovers and betrayal and just love one another, empower each other, support each other unconditionally.
 “My wish is that girls would love girls more.” 
Selena even loves girls who don’t love her back! Talk about amazing! She wants the best even for women who don’t return the love.
 “I’m going to support her whether she likes me or not because I think she’s doing great things.” She says this of a girl, Lorde, she never met but truly adores. This girl, Lorde, doesn’t like Selena, according to Selena, at least when this interview was going on, March 2014, I think.

Some day I will see her and we’ll be cool.

So sweet! I have loved girls and wanted to be friends with certain girls who did not feel the same about me. I would be thinking “we would be perfect BFF’s, soul sisters, she just doesn’t know it yet!”
Lol!
Have you ever met a girl and think you two would just be amazing friends but she doesn’t seem to think so? It can be painful but we can still love and empower one another even if we’re not or don’t want to be friends with each other. We don’t have to wish to see each other crumble or see each other fail even if we don’t like each other. Girls who don’t like me back still have my love.
There are also girls I would not want to be friends with but still send my love and well wishes.
I never felt that romantic love is necessarily more important than platonic love. It’s different but not more important to me. I don’t believe romantic relationships are more worthy of special recognition than platonic friendships no matter what the gender of the people are. I love all love.


I agree that it’s best for women to build each other up, not tear each other down. 

“Wise women don’t compete with each other; they empower one another.” 

Selena also teaches a lesson on saying no. She says “You can’t be afraid of what people are going to say, because you’re never going to make everyone happy.
She encourages girls to speak up when they don’t like something. She says saying it out loud is the first step to taking away fear. Say what you want. Express it when you don’t like something. She says that it took her a long while to learn this. Her friend Demi taught her this great lesson. Now she is teaching others. She explains that it’s effective to be direct, not aggressive. 
I had to learn this too. In cases with people taking advantage of my desire and willingness to help, I had to learn to say clearly and directly, NO. Not because I don’t want to help or be kind, not as a punishment or to seek revenge. 
To show people they can’t keep getting what they want by taking advantage. 
When people take advantage of our generosity and kindness to the point it takes a toll on us, we have to think of ourselves as well. Our own health and well-being is just as important as everyone else’s. If something doesn’t feel right to you, say no. And if you wear yourself out just constantly doing for others, eventually you may be too exhausted to help anyone well.

Selena provides a lesson on finding your inspiration. She looks to others for inspiration sometimes. Jennifer Lopez, Beyonce, Demi. She finds inspiration in their music, songs, in the different moves they make. What inspires you? Who inspires you? Look around and look within and and allow your heart to open to the inspiration all around. Then create. Do. Be.

She also encourages to “Pick your power song.” She loves her song “Who Says,” which she declares is her anthem for girls. She says that when she performs it, she stops singing and allows the girls to sing it to her so they can hear themselves say “Who says I’m not perfect? Who says I’m not beautiful? Who says I’m not worth it?” She wants girls to feel that. This is so empowering. The fact that she let’s girls sing it themselves, become active and actually engage instead of just listen is truly amazing. What a wise young woman this girl is.
I feel my heart well up with love.

 

She encourages us to “never change for a guy” and talks about how some men may be intimidated by strong women but it’s important to remain ourselves. This goes for anyone though not just a man/lover/boyfriend/potential love interest/husband. I encourage us not to change for anyone but ourselves. Don’t change who you are for parents who want you to live out their dreams, jealous girls who want to see you fall, friends who won’t accept you as you are, society…don’t change for anyone except yourself if it serves you well to change because YOU want the change.

One of the most beautiful lessons she teaches here is “Give Your Whole Self.
Selena says “I don’t feel like I can do enough for my fans. I work a lot, I work hard, and I get tired. But when you walk on stage and see these people who wait hours outside just to see you, it’s the greatest thing in the world.“. She states that she feels that her fans do so much for her and she doesn’t feel she can do enough for them. Her lesson is to give your whole self to people, all your love, your passion, your beauty. This can apply to any aspect of your life. Your work, hobbies your love, people you know, whatever you do, where ever you go, go with all your heart. Give it your all. Put your whole self into it. This is a beautiful way to live and love to the fullest. You don’t have to be perfect, you can be passionate and loving in all that you do. We don’t need perfection. Being passionate and loving is perfect enough.

And I think loving and truly appreciating and being grateful for her fans is enough. She embodies love so perfectly.

Selena Gomez is a wise and beautiful girl. Inside and out and our world is blessed to have her. Not for her music or work(that too) but for the powerful love she projects out into the world and the deep beauty of her life’s message. What a bright light. I would be honored to have a friend like her.

“So I’ll smile with the rest
I’ll wish everyone the best
And know the one who made it,
Made it cuz she was actually pretty good” ~ Jill Sobule

Xoxo Kim 😀

image

(this photo isn’t mine)

Today is one of those days…..<3

image

I woke up after a night of restless sleep. I have been struggling with a bad flare up of my chronic facial pain disorder. I haven’t slept much in over a week and haven’t consumed much other than water in four days. I try to eat something everyday and can’t. The pain is just too much. Even soft things are hard to chew.

People think I’m losing weight because I want to. That’s not the case at all. I don’t want to, I just can’t eat. I’m kind of sick looking. My face is swelled slightly and my eyes are pink looking and puffed underneath because of the pain and lack of sleep. My skin is pale looking.

I’m exhausted and fatigued. Today I decided to walk to a store and buy mashed potatoes with beef flavored gravy! Yum, right?! I came home, put it on the kitchen table and my dog had to go in the backyard and doesn’t like the yard door being closed with no one out there with her. So I went out with her and came back in and guess what?! My cats ate my potatoes! And they were kind of on the expensive side for someone like me with very little money! Can you say, disappointed?! Lol oh well there goes that.

So what kind of day is today?

 I woke up fatigued, restless, hungry, in pain, exhausted, and achy and I feel nothing but…..pure joy! That’s right, sheer joy! 

I’m generally very happy but the joy I feel all day today isn’t a regular, general happy.

You know that joy you experience when you hit the lottery, buy a new car, meet a new friend, a new romantic love interest, get a job offer…it’s kind of like that! But none of that happened to me today or recently!

I can often tap into that kind of joy when I try but today it’s just here unexpectedly but definitely welcome!     😀

I had a flashback memory today of when I was a little girl and my mom and dad would take me to Center City Philadelphia at night and we would buy hot chocolate chip cookies and lay out on the grass under the black or navy starlit sky and eat them. There were so many fireflies lighting up green and all people would just lay out and look at the stars and stuff and one night a man said to the fireflies “Hey turn out the lights!” lol it was so funny and we all just laughed.

There’s a kind of childlike joy that we often don’t feel as adults. Things that were so amazing and thrilling back then just often don’t have that feel anymore. We may still love them but they don’t as frequently provoke that deep joy. I love when I can tap into that now. And I believe we all can more often with mindfulness.

Today

Music sounds so great, the air is sweet and caressed by a sweet floral fragrance. Outside is bursting with green, flowers, sunshine. There’s a sweet breeze in the air.And my long hair got stuck in a tree walking to work today! Lol 😀 It’s always fun when that happens! ;-p

It’s a beautiful Spring day. Except today is the first day of Summer here in Philadelphia! My least favorite season! 

But it feels more like Spring.

I love the wonder all around.

This just goes to show that someone CAN be happy even when things aren’t perfect or there’s problems and lots of pain.

And when I say pain, I’m talking about bone deep pain, soul shattering pain, like it’s gripping my very essence. But you know what else is gripping my very essence? Love. Deep love. Not just the the love directed at certain people and objects, and things but just deep all encompassing Love.

My pain disorder can leave me feeling and being so broken. I’m not referring to depression. But the broken-ness that comes along with having a chronic physical illness or pain disorder. I’m broken but I’m so beautifully whole. There’s a kind of irony to that but it’s beautiful.

“Find a place inside where there’s joy, and the joywill burn out the pain.” – Joseph Campbell

It doesn’t completely burn out the pain but it does lessen the power of it, it breaks the bondage.

“Today I choose life. Every morning when I wake up I can choose joy, happiness, negativity, pain… To feel the freedom that comes from being able to continue to make mistakes and choices – today I choose to feel life, not to deny my humanity but embrace it.” ~ Kevyn Aucoin

I hope you are well wherever you are and experiencing bone deep joy and love.

Xoxo Kim

image

My Inner Springtime

image

I have been working on this for days! And here it is!! 😀

http://www.positivelypresent.com/2014/03/inner-spring.html?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+PositivelyPresent+(positively+present)

Positively Present(the link above), by Dani Dipirro, is a lovely little place on the net with an abundance of positivity and inspiration to bask in. I subscribed to her e-mail updates a while ago. She came up with a wonderful idea to create an inner Springtime.   You know how Spring is the rebirth of your world around you after what may seem like a long, cold, barren Winter? It can also be metaphorical for rebirth and inner growth, as you may already know.   I love Winter and every season. They all have their own unique beauty and blessings that the other three do not.   And I am blessed to live in a place with four beautiful seasons.  But the Winter cold can be painful and it’s hard to stay out long in that. To me, it often seems urgent like I have to hurry out of the cold after a while. It’s hard to walk and take photos in that weather while shaking in the frigid Winter air. I know many people just don’t like the gray.   And the Winter lack and the light can have a biochemical effect on the brain chemistry of people, contributing to depression or just a low mood.   I wouldn’t give up beautiful Winter for anything though! I like the cold, the gray, the bare branches on trees…

Every year I warmly welcome Winter

But

I also love when Winter melts into Spring and each year I am very ready for Spring as Winter is coming to a close. The sunlight, the warm lingering daylight, the blossoming green and scented flowers…. Dani Dipirro shares her list on her website for how to create our own little Spring no matter what it’s like out there. What a wonderful idea!

I decided to write my own list, trying not to steal any of her exact ideas! Lol   She has amazing ideas on her list! Be sure to check them out! Some of her ideas are: create a gratitude list, re-read a book, watch a Spring themed movie, play with a dog, cat, or child….

She inspires me so much, so frequently! 

Again, here’s her post with her list!

http://www.positivelypresent.com/2014/03/inner-spring.html?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+PositivelyPresent+(positively+present

So here’s mine!

1.) Try to think back to a song you once loved and listened to often then forgot all about it. 
Download the song and listen. Feel the emotions and memories come flooding back. If you need help remembering your song, think of different ages or stages, years, seasons that have come and gone. Think of old music bands you haven’t heard any songs by in a long while.  Can you remember any long lost songs? 
One of my favorite feelings in the world is rediscovering a beautiful song I haven’t heard in years!

Check this out:
http://www.bobborst.com/popculture/top-100-songs-of-the-year/?year=1964

It has a tab with a long list of years and you can choose a year and then read a list of top songs for that year!

image

2.) Try to find a quote you haven’t heard of before. A quote about a topic close to your heart. Maybe a quote about hope and healing, love, gratitude, being and staying motivated? You can search for a quote book or just look online for lists of inspirational quotes.

Here, you will find a wellspring of quotes and inspiration: 
http:www.joyprogram.com

image

3.) Maybe a little redecorating! Or Spring cleaning!   This will be a good one for me since I tend to get my room cluttered with books and clothes.   Set out things that make you happy, maybe Spring themed things like flowers, pastel colors, bunnies….

4.) Light a beautiful candle with a light fragrance if you aren’t allergic or have breathing difficulties.   Lavender, citrus, cotton or linen, cherry….MmmmMmm!!
Different fragrances are believed to be great for different things.   Lavender is good for depression and sleep disorders, anxiety and fear. Vanilla is good for stress, Lemon is good for sadness and grief, Clary Sage is good for fatigue……certain scents are just uplifting and can inspire a good mood!  
 Open your window, let your curtains blow in the gentle breeze and invite the promise of Spring into your heart. 
And check this out for aromatherapy mood blends:
http://www.aromatherapy.com/mood_blends.html

image

5.) Do some random act of kindness for someone anonymously.   Maybe you know someone in need of some cheering up. Send an anonymous card or flowers, help pay for something…

6.) Pay someone a genuine and sweet compliment either in person or online.

7.) do an arts and craft project. My favorite is to write a quote or song lyrics and decorate it!

8.) Buy or download a book you are interested in and never read yet.

9.) Girls and men and anyone else who love/s to wear makeup and/or new hairstyles, try a new hairstyle/color or makeup look that you have been afraid to try, if that’s the kind of thing you’re interested in. I love makeup and hair and for makeup, I like trying different eyeshadow colors and stuff but my hair is always the same.   Either put up in hair ties or long and flowing around my waist. I never care to change the color or length/general style.  Some people do want to but need a little push. It can be scary thinking about changing a part of ourselves, even something like just a hair style/color which can be reversed and isn’t really a serious life decision.   Anyone contemplating any change, big or small, permanent or not can use some encouragement/support. But it’s ultimately up to you.

10.) Search for a new park or cafe or bookstore. It doesn’t actually have to be new. Maybe new to you or one you haven’t been to in a while.

11.) Step outside your comfort zone. Maybe read a kind of book you don’t usually read. Do an activity you probably won’t be good at. Try a new style of clothing, try food you never tried, try to learn a few phrases in a language you don’t know to speak good in, do something you feel way too shy to do, push yourself, I find that this opens me and I become less shy and more open to even more ideas….

12.) Live in the present moment. Here and now. For an entire day or part of a day, forget about later. Forget about tomorrow and what you “have” to do. Be grateful for THIS moment. Bask in the beauty of your life. Maybe you can mindfully watch a movie, eat something while savoring every taste, texture, sensation…, doing a mindfulness, walking meditation 

image

13.) Reminisce about things long gone. Remember beautiful things, places, people, pets….you once knew.   Feel the beauty of love they fill/ed in you, feel the sting of loss, the sweet sadness of nostalgia….it’s bittersweet.

14.) Create a long list of all the reasons your life is amazing right now.   No matter what you want and don’t yet or will never have. Focus on the current goodness.

15.) Share a quote you love with someone. Anyone.

16.) Write a positive, uplifting, or thought-provoking message that can apply to people in general. You can sign your first name, nick name or not sign it and have more mystery.  Fold up the paper and leave it somewhere for a random person to find. On a seat in a restaurant or bus or train.   On a park bench, on a random house step(hopefully you don’t get flagged for littering! Lol you can tell them it’s my fault, I will take the responsibility lmao), on a shelf in a store, in the pages of a book in a used book store. It may seem kind of creepy but it may be just what someone needs to read. It can brighten someone’s day! It can be a quote or any short but sweet, positive, little message!

17.) Do something by yourself that you don’t usually do alone. A movie theatre, restaurant, buy yourself flowers…Love your own company! 
I often had trouble with this because I suffer with depression and there were some years where I had no true friends and was frequently, physically alone like in college some years , during the breaks in the middle of the day. While I love my own company and have fun alone and with people, even when I had true friends, being alone outside would make me depressed and sad sometimes and excruciatingly lonely.   But it’s amazing to learn to love and cherish your moments you have alone. You don’t always need people around to have fun and not be lonely. 

18.) Make a long list of things you like about you, physically or not. You may not consciously know you have things you like about yourself but look at you. Look within and look at your body. Maybe you’ll discover new things you like that you never realized. Think of your opinions, your compassion, your kindness, your eyes, your heart, your uniqueness,  Try not to think in terms of better or worse and just focus on what is.   Like how someone else has it better or that yours can be worse. Look at you currently and love you!  Also try not to think of it as being conceited. Self love is great! It may seem unnatural first but you’ll get the hang of it! 😀

19.) think of a habit you would like to develop and begin it now or tonight. Maybe you want to start going to sleep earlier, putting healthier food into your body instead of junk, take one hour or more a day just for you, learn about a new topic, exercise regularly…

20.) adopt a dog, cat, bunny, or whatever fur/feather/reptile… baby you want!

21.) Step outside and wonder at the incredible beauty and greatness that Nature is. And look at the incredible, beautiful structure of buildings.   Look at the veins in the leaves. Go weak at the knees at the astounding gift of life. Look at the sky and marvel at the colors, designs, textures, everything….tap into full awareness of your senses. Don’t just look and know. Feel. Feel at a deeper level. Fall into the depths of mindfulness and beauty. Come alive.

22.) do some stretches that are safe for you. You can find many tips and steps on YouTube. 

23.) Remember not to be jealous of or depressed over anyone else’s beauty or success.  You, too, have gifts and accomplishments.    There will always be those with more and those with less. And that’s ok.  Celebrate their fortunes as well as your own.

24.) try a guided imagery meditation.   I took a counseling class in college for meditation and used to do stuff like this in therapy some years ago.
Here’s one for pain byMagical Meditations:

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=rPtsVkfTEWY

This is the mobile link. It’s complicated to get the desktop link on my phone and it messes things up. I hope you can find it on your computer if you’re interested! 
I love this. It’s for physical and emotional pain. You can find ones on YouTube for pain, sleep, relaxation, gratitude, and more!

I love when the person guiding the meditation has a different accent than me. Lol

25.) search for an old/classic novel or play if you’re into reading and download it for free! They’re no longer copyrighted so you can find them free and legally online. Usually in text or pdf version!
Over 40,000 free ebooks here!!

http://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/32707?msg=welcome_stranger

26.) find an obscure poem, drawing, painting, or something of that sort and try different ways of interpreting it! Or think of an opinion you have on something and try to imagine having a different or opposing view on it.   What must that be like? You don’t have to change your views but it’s fun imagining and also can teach us to develop deeper compassion and empathy.

27.) create a life philosophy if you don’t already have one! I can’t stress enough how much this has helped me heal and to be a better being than I have ever been. I haven’t written my entire life philosophy out yet, just parts of it. But I will write more. A life philosophy will help guide you on your life journey.   It can grow, expand, and change as you do, please don’t let it restrain you. It doesn’t have to be written in stone but write it in your heart. Make it strong and firm enough to hold you, guide you, and ground you when you falter and fall. Don’t let it imprison you but let it guide you. If you ever find that you outgrow your life philosophy, let your life philosophy grow right along with you.  
My basic life philosophy is to make certain thoughts, feelings, and concepts my general way of life as opposed to just feeling them occasionally or only when I feel like it or when it’s most easy and convenient for me.   It is designed by me to help me be the best me I can be for myself and everyone I impact in any way, not to be a perfectionist but to be better in ways that matter most.
Not to tell people what is best for them ever but to be sure my words and actions are always for the better and never to intentionally or thoughtlessly hurt, destroy, or drag people down.
  I choose to make kindness, love, gratitude, hope, and compassion my way of life. Even when it hurts. Even when people do me wrong. Even  when people are not kind and compassionate for me and others, even when they don’t appreciate my gratitude for them and return it. I choose to remind myself over and over how beautiful life itself is even when it hurts. I choose to never give up.   Not give up on life or myself.   All of these thoughts, feelings, and beliefs often come to us and are easy now and then but it’s so easy to crumble and give up on them sometimes. A life philosophy, to be effective to the fullest must be practiced and maintained every single day.   Like I said before sometimes I am so tempted to give up on it and it goes out the Window when I’m in serious pain but it’s ingrained in me enough so I always find my way back to it soon enough. Find quotes, songs, writings, blogs, books, people, memories….to confirm and help you nurture your life philosophy.  Meditate upon it. Write about it in blogs or journals. Apply it to your real life experiences.  
My physical pain disorder and my depressive disorder helped me strengthen and deepen my own life philosophy by testing me.
Just like a muscle when it’s exercised, it gets stronger. My life philosophy deepens with experience, both pleasant and unpleasant. 
This can help you so so much to be happier, stronger, comforted, and have your life more organized. 
Write down the basic tenets of your life philosophy today.
 I came across this idea because I attended college for Philosophy and graduated with the B.A. In it.   So many people say Philosophy is useless and no point in taking it in college. But I took it just for fun and it is not useless or just for academic purposes.    It can help us think more clearly and develop better reasoning abilities.   There are even self-help/personal development Philosophy books designed to help us apply philosophical concepts to our own lives.  Anyway you don’t have to know anything at all about the academic field of Philosophy or go to college to develop your life philosophy or even necessarily read a self-help book.   They can all be supplements.  And you can learn so much about philosophers and their philosophies online. Much of it is old and not copyrighted. 
We even have our own ten commandments! The Ten Commandments of Philosophy!
Check it out:

https://sites.google.com/site/degatzia/thetencommandmentsofphilosophy

But really, all you have to do is think of qualities you would love to have or strengthen in yourself.   Think of qualities you adore in other people, think of thoughts that help you. What are your values? Virtues? Principles? Strong beliefs? Think them through and put them together to develop the basic foundation of your own life philosophy.   As I have said though, it’s ok to change it when/if your core beliefs and values change but it’s good not to let depression, fear, pain, negativity change it in a negative way like make you decide to kick it to the curb for good or for too long. After it becomes your Way and is deeply ingrained in you, it will be much easier to live by.

I hope you will begin to develop your basic life philosophy today. You can add to it everyday.   It may always be a work in progress, not a complete destination.  Just like you yourself.   And that’s for the best. We’re always learning, evolving, becoming and it’s interesting that way!

Here’s an idea for a life handbook:

http://personalexcellence.co/blog/create-your-life-handbook/

Also, here’s a list of Philosophy texts online :
http://onlinebooks.library.upenn.edu/webbin/book/subjectstart?B

And for your amusement :

Unsolvable problems in philosophy/unanswerable questions 

http://io9.com/5945801/8-philosophical-questions-that-well-never-solve

http://a-misconception.blogspot.com/2010/09/list-of-unsolved-philosophy-problems.html?m=1

http://pespmc1.vub.ac.be/ETERQUES.html

And here you have free access to an online textbook “Introduction to Philosophy.”

http://www.qcc.cuny.edu/SocialSciences/pPecorino/INTRO_TEXT/default.htm

28.) Do you want to be wildly entertained and put your intellectual skills to use?!  And also be pulling out your hair?! You’re in luck!   Check out these fascinating legal puzzlers!! They will blow your mind. And seriously, they have no definite conclusions! You may think you have it all figured out but there’s always more thoughts and conclusions out there, it is tantalizing! And I wouldn’t have it any other way! ;-D In college, Temple University,  in my philosophy of law class, we were introduced to some of these!

http://people.brandeis.edu/~teuber/puzz1.html

image

30 Days of Lists – Day #1 Inspirational Songs

image

I have been working on this post for a few days now.

Recently I came across an interesting blog challenge called “30 Days of Lists.” I can’t find the source now but it’s a challenge where everyday we compose a list for any topic we want. They provided some examples like: things about yourself, words you really dislike, places you want to visit….and you can make up your own lists.

Today I’m going to do a list of some of my favorite positive/inspirational songs. I have so so many and I will list some now. I love all kinds of songs, happy, sad, sappy, romantic, friendship, fast, loud, slow, death metal, Oldies, country….but my absolute favorite ones are sappy, about love romantic and platonic/friendship, loving everyone…, Oldies and country.   And inspirational, uplifting ones. I think it’s important to have a special play list of just uplifting ones along with all the others, either uplifting in the message or the tunes.   

Songs that will uplift you and not make you sad.    Sad songs are beautiful too and sometimes it’s good to listen to a song that matches your current mood. But sometimes it’s better to listen to a more uplifting song that will inspire you to be happier.

So here’s my list(many of them are country songs) There are twenty – Six here:

1.) Cherish – Kool and the Gang

This is a romantic love song but it can be applied to life in general.   It doesn’t matter if you’re single or taken, in love romantically or not; you can’t take the lesson to heart, applying it everyday. It’s about being incredibly grateful for THIS life right NOW. You never know what will happen in the next instant, what or who will be taken away, what dramatic changes will occur….”Let’s cherish every moment we have been given, the time is passing by.” Remember this life you have currently, the current state you’re in now, it won’t always be the case. Things can and will change for better and for worse. Health changes, life changes, situations change….take right now to feel blessed.

2.) You and Me – Alice Cooper 

Another romantic love song but can be applied to life in general. The message is about realizing what we have IS beautiful. We ARE enough just being us. We don’t have to have some big extravagant job or be financially rich or have some busy, glamorous life to be RICH, happy, and so in love with life itself.

“But you and me ain’t no movie stars.
What we are is what we are.
We share a bed,
some lovin’,
and TV, yeah.
And that’s enough for a workin’ man.
What I am is what I am.
And I tell you, babe,
well that’s enough for me.”

“What I am is what I am.
And I tell you, sweetheart
that’s just enough for me.”

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=6ur55juZ4Og

3.) The Chain of Love – Clay Walker

Not a romantic love song but a love song just the same. About reaching out in love to those in need whether or not we know them. Strangers are still people, still someone. At one point, we will all be in need of a helping hand and we should all keep that chain of love going.

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=mVQGQ0wh7eY

“You don’t owe me a thing,
I’ve been there too
Someone once helped me out,
Just the way I’m helping you
If you really want to pay me back,
Here’s what you do
Don’t let the chain of love end with you”

4.) Happy Girl – Martina McBride 

This is a lovely song about a girl who used to be frequently miserable and in a constant state of hopelessness. She walked through life with a heavy heart. Then one day she realized it doesn’t have to be this way. She can be happy. Life can be good. Great.   Beautiful. Amazing. She realized that complaining wasn’t changing the world for the better. So she chose to change for the better. She let’s herself be sad, be happy, feel whatever she feels but she is generally a HAPPY girl now! I love it. I can relate so much to this song! It’s like it was written about me. I was that depressed, sad, lonely, hopeless girl for so long until I chose to change and be happy.

5.) Come Monday – Jimmy Buffett 

I read that one day many years ago Jimmy Buffett was in a hotel room, on tour, I think, and he was in despair and contemplating suicide. But instead of killing himself, he wrote this and it saved his life. I’m so grateful that his life was spared. This is actually a positive song about Monday! About how there’s something to look forward to even when we’re suffering emotionally, in immense pain. When Monday comes, it will all be alright. 

 
“Come Monday, it’ll be all right
Come Monday, I’ll be holdin’ you tight
I spent four lonely days in a brown L. A. haze
And I just want you back by my side

I can’t help it honey
You’re that much a part of me now
Remember that night in Montana
When we said there’d be no room for doubt

I hope you’re enjoyin’ the scenery
I know that it’s pretty up there
We can go hikin’ on Tuesday
With you I’d walk anywhere
California has worn me quite thin
I just can’t wait to see you again”

http://m.youtube.com/watch?list=PLA3CF6E96E781FE63&v=1DnBwdBhS3c

6.) “If the World had a Front Porch” – Tracy Lawrence 

This lovely song is how we should treat everyone as if they’re our own family and friends. We should act lovingly with each other no matter what. It wouldn’t solve all our problems but we would all be friends. It’s reminiscent and nostalgic with the singer remembering how his family would sit on their front porch years ago and all just love each other. I love the warm loving feeling that wells up in me just thinking of this beautiful message.

“If the world had a front porch, like we did back then
We’d still have our problems, but we’d all be friends
Treatin’ your neighbor like he’s your next of kin
Wouldn’t be gone like the wind
If the world had a front porch, like we did back then”

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=Y38h55EaHL0

7) You’re a movie. – Alice Cooper

This song is about having amazing self -confidence. Confidence enough to take on the world and give other people strength just by them being in our very presence.  

“Bullets repel off my medals
And my men are in awe when I speak
All chaos my strategies settles
My mere presence gives strength to the weak

For me it seems really alarming
I’m really just only a man
With five million sheep in this army
I seem to be the only one fit to command”

“Another day, another victory
Another gold stripe, another star
Really quite boring sometimes
I wish they’d send someone equal to my strategies

What a guy
I’m really quite a guy”

8.) Every woman has a name  – Alice Cooper

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=mVQGQ0wh7eY

This is an amazing, beautiful, sweet, slow song with an incredible message. The message is that every woman is someone. Someone important. Someone with beauty, pain, struggles, a life. No matter how rich or not, no matter what her job or life situation is like. A waitress, a queen or debutante, a Housewife, a girl with a broken heart and struggles. It doesn’t matter, every woman is lovely.

“And even when your world was shakin’
Even when your breath was taken
Even when your blue eyes turned to gray

Small town debutantes and queens
Every woman has a name
Cocktail waitresses with dreams
Every woman has a name
And every girl whose love survives
A broken heart to stay alive
You signed your picture in the frame
Every woman has a name

You had your love affair
Some were perfect but most of them were pain
Seems a hundred years ago
It took you to the highest hill
Left you standing frozen in the rain
But you still feel the afterglow”

9.) 5:00 somewhere -Jimmy Buffett & Alan Jackson 

This song is just really funny and uplifting. He’s stuck at work on a slow summer day and his boss is being an asshole and he decides that even though it’s only the early afternoon he’s getting out since somewhere it is 5:00! Lol

“Pour me somethin’ tall and strong
Make it a hurricane before I go insane
It’s only half past twelve, but I don’t care
He don’t care
And I don’t care
It’s five o’clock somewhere

Jimmy: What time zone am I on?
What country am I in?

Alan: It doesn’t matter

It’s five o’clock somewhere”

10.) Help Me to Heal – Olivia Newton John

Olivia Newton John was tragically afflicted with breast cancer but she survived! And with an amazing attitude!   She chose gratitude. And she wrote and sang songs to help her heal and stay strong. I am so so thankful for her stunning, beautiful songs of hope and healing. To me, they are so delicate but so strong and just like they help her, they help me heal. Since I have depression which comes and goes, it can be difficult to choose gratitude when depression overwhelms me. I don’t like feeling depressed but when I’m depressed, I’m often tempted to just let it consume me. It takes strength and motivation, and so much energy to battle it and not let it really suck me in like a vacuum like it used to, where I would be suicidal and just hopeless for months year after year. I still have severe episodes but I now more often than not remain hopeful without serious suicidal thoughts/urges/contemplation. I can cope so much better when I’m hit with an episode.

“I know I’ll find the strength to fight
If I can trust I’m gonna be alright
So walk me through my darkest fears tonight”

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=4jfDm3RKXWc

11.) Learn to love yourself – Olivia Newton John

This song is so beautiful about loving yourself. Self-love is very important and it’s not about conceit or arrogance. It’s about being full and compassionate and loving. Self-love is so healing. No matter how many people love you, you won’t truly be fulfilled, probably, until you truly love you. Other people’s love for you is definitely healing to a certain degree but it’s not enough. Your self love is enough.

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=CUO4-y-z-Gg

“Youre hurting, uncertain
Alone again
Still searching for someone
But so afraid

And youll try for love
And youll cry for love
Til you learn to love yourself
And youll lie for love
And youll die for love
Til you learn to love yourself..

The answer is sleeping
Inside your heart
True love that you long for
Thats where it starts”

“Breathe it out and breathe it in
Trust the light that shines within
Let it burn til you learn to love yourself
Breathe it out and breathe it in
Trust the light that shines within
Let it burn til you learn to love yourself”

12.) grace and gratitude – Olivia Newton John

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=VMCrHv81kgg

“Thank you for life
Thank you for everything
I stand here in Grace and Gratitude
And I thank you …

Seasons come and seasons go
No matter what we choose
A thousand names
A thousand roads
All lead to one simple truth

Thank you for life
Thank you for everything
I stand here in grace and gratitude
And I .. I thank you”

Gratitude is crucial for healing and happiness. It doesn’t cure all problems and doesn’t always take away all pain but it does ease some pain, help us cope, and be happier in general. It shall become a way of life, not just a fleeting attitude. There are different degrees of it. You can be thankful for something you know is a blessing or you can feel it deep into the marrow of your bones, tingling in every bodily cell, Dwelling in your essence. With practice and meditation this can become a frequent reality and help us cope tremendously with anything, loneliness, grief, loss, 
depression, physical pain, anything.

It doesn’t matter what you believe or not, you can believe in a god and thank it or just give thanks to the universe, the world, life.

image

13.) Life’s a dance- 
JOHN MICHAEL MONTGOMERY

This is a song about just accepting life as it is. Going with the flow, good, bad, painful, beautiful. We learn as we go along. We can’t force life to always be a certain way and always go smoothly so let’s take it as it comes our way. Not just be passive and accept bad things that can be changed.   But accept that life can’t always be controlled.

“Life’s a dance, you learn as you go.
Sometimes you lead, sometimes you follow.
Don’t worry ’bout what you don’t know,
life’s a dance, you learn as you go.”

14.) King of wishful thinking – Go West

This song. It’s a breakup song.   A sad one. But it managed to make my inspirational song list! Why?!?! First of all, the tune. It’s uplifting. It’s not sad, dreary, mellow, heartbreakingly devastating. It’s pumped up.  But also the lyrics. As the title of the song shows us, it’s not about positive thinking exactly but wishful thinking. There is a slight difference.   He’s denying his pain over his lost love. I typically do not promote denying our pain. But sometimes, on rare occasions we may just have to fake it til we make it.

“I refuse to give into my blues, that’s not how it’s going to be.”

“I’ll get over you, I know I will. I’ll pretend my ship’s not sinking.” 

Yeah, There’s definitely something positive about this! 

15.) If you’re going through hell – Rodney Atkins

This song is very encouraging! It reminds us to keep going no matter how low we feel. Things get bad. So bad that they just can’t get any worse….but then…they DO get worse! Then we learn the truth that we just keep going!

“Well you know those times when you feel like
There’s a sign there on your back
That says I don’t mind if you kick me, seems like everybody has
Things go from bad to worse
You think it can’t get worse than that
And then they do

You step off the straight and narrow
And you don’t know where you are
Used the needle of your compass, to sew up your broken heart
Ask directions from a genie in a bottle of jim beam
And she lies to you
That’s when you learn the truth

If you’re goin’ through hell keep on going
Don’t slow down if you’re scared don’t show it
You might get out before the devil even knows you’re there”

16.) I’m alive – Willie Nelson 

This is a fantastic song about being thankful for simply being alive.

“It’s so damn easy to say that life’s so hard
Everybody’s got their share of battle scars
As for me, I’d like to thank my lucky stars
That I’m alive and well.

And it’d be easy to add up all the pain
And all the dreams you sat and watched go up in flames
You were on, on the wreckage as it smolders in the rain
But not me, I’m alive

And today you know that’s good enough for me
Breathing in and out’s a blessing, can’t you see?
Today is the first day of the rest of my life”

17.) When the going gets tough – Billy Ocean

“I got something to tell you
I got something to say
I’m gonna put this dream in motion
Never let nothing stand in my way
When the going gets touch
The tough get going

18.) I hope you dance – LeeAnn Womack

This song reminds me to keep going.   It’s about cherishing every single moment we’re blessed to be alive, never taking one breath for granted.

My absolute favorite line is “When you come close to sellin’ out, reconsider.”
It’s a sweet song.

“Livin’ might mean takin’ chances but they’re worth takin’,
Lovin’ might be a mistake but it’s worth makin’,
Don’t let some hell bent heart leave you bitter,
When you come close to sellin’ out reconsider,
Give the heavens above more than just a passing glance,
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance.”

19.) Something worth leaving behind – LeeAnn Womack 

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=HqTT59h9aLg&list=PLfqg3Gb_txbQjUvGzl9Qcl6rJKsDDUGX-

This is a beautiful song about how we don’t have to be famous or have some impressive skills or talents to impact someone’s life in a positive way and to be remembered. All we have to do is love. It’s simple but profound.  

20.) Choices – George Jones 

This song is about a somewhat controversial topic, the fact that we do have choices in life and much of where we are is because of choices we made. Even the choice to do nothing is still a choice.   We can’t always choose what happens to us or what other people do. But we can choose how to react, to overcome pain and obstacles, to heal, and to move forward.

” I’ve had choices since the day that I was born
There were voices that told me right from wrong
If I had listened, no I wouldn’t be here today
Living and dying with the choices I’ve made

I guess I’m payin’ for the things that I have done
If I could go back, oh, Lord knows I’d run
But I’m still losin’ this game of life I play
Losing and dying with the choices I’ve made”

Here is a great quote along similar lines:

“Life is like a game of cards. The hand you aredealt is determinism; the way you play it is free will.” – Jawaharlal Nehru 

21.) The Gambler – Kenny Rogers

This song is of a similar concept. It’s not really about gambling but knowing how to get along in life. It’s about learning how to choose our attitude and what to keep in life and what not to keep. Every hand’s a winner and every hand’s a loser. This means that every life no matter what can be viewed as good or as bad. It’s all how we look at it. This message inspires me deeply.  

“Now every gambler knows the secret to survivin’
Is knowin’ what to throw away
And knowin’ what to keep
‘Cause every hand’s a winner
And every hand’s a loser”

22.) Every storm runs out of rain – Gary Allan 

This song is so very comforting. It reminds us that pain heals and we can move forward. Pain and heartache comes and goes and may never go away completely but it can heal and doesn’t always have to be overwhelming and raw.

“Every storm runs, runs out of rain
Just like every dark night turns into day
Every heartache will fade away
Just like every storm runs, runs out of rain.”

23.) She’s got a way- Billy Joel

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=p0iOEOtSyB0

I love this sweet song!   About a girl with love and beauty that can touch people’s lives and inspire greatness in the people she comes across.  

“…I don’t know what it is
But there doesn’t have to be a reason anyway 

She’s got a smile that heals me
I don’t know why it is
But I have to laugh when she reveals me
She’s got a way of talkin’
I don’t know why it is
But it lifts me up when we are walkin’ anywhere

She comes to me when I’m feelin’ down
Inspires me without a sound 
She touches me and I get turned around 

She’s got a way of showin’
How I make her feel
And I find the strength to keep on goin’
She’s got a light around her
And ev’rywhere she goes
A million dreams of love surround her ev’rywhere”

I just melt.

24.) Raindrops keep falling – BJ Thomas

I love this song! It’s about how even when things seem wrong we can still have hope to keep going knowing that eventually happiness will eventually fill our hearts again.

“Those raindrops are fallin’
On my head, they keep fallin’

But there’s one thing I know
The blues they send
To meet me won’t defeat me
It won’t be long till
Happiness steps up to greet me

Raindrops keep fallin’ on my head
But that doesn’t mean
My eyes will soon be turnin’ red

Cryin’s not for me ’cause
I’m never gonna stop the rain by complainin’
Because I’m free, nothin’s worryin’ me”

25.) Eye of the tiger – Survivor 

Some people think this song is too pumped and needs a good toning down. But not me! That vigor is perfect.   I love how pumped it is! It’s perfect with the lyrics and message. A song about doing whatever it takes to survive and keep those dreams alive.

“Risin’ up straight to the top 
Had the guts, got the glory 
Went the distance, now I’m not gonna stop 
Just a man and his will to survive “

I love it!

😀

26.) Livin’ In The Sunlight, Lovin’ In The Moonlight – Tiny T

I don’t worry!
Worrying don’t agree,
Things that bother you,
Never bother me!

Things that bother you,
Never bother me
I feel happy and fine!
AHA!
Living in the sunlight,
Loving in the moonlight
Having a wonderful time!

Haven’t got a lot,
I don’t need a lot
Coffee’s only a dime
Living in the sunlight,
Loving in the moonlight,
Having a wonderful time!

I hope you have found some songs here that inspire you deeply and uplift you like they help me! I have so many more also but as you can see, the list is already long!

Much love & inspiration to you!

Xoxo Kim

image

While the music lasts

image

“You are the music while the music lasts.” ~
 

I took this pic of the wind chimes in the backyard of my house. Then I edited it putting this quote on it.  (I slipped n pasted the wrong source though opps! )
I like the quote. It’s lovely and inspiring. As are all Rumi quotes
And someone recently brought my attention to the fact that it can be interpreted in a sad way or a more cheerful wway.

I at first took it as a positive Or more cheerful thing. To be music is quite amazing. To hear music, to listen to it, to feel it is one thing and it’s a beautiful thing but to become the music, to BE it, well that’s something else. Something beautiful. Something wonderful and enthralling and mystifying and fantastical, out of this world, powerful, amazing. Wondrous.
When you become one with music, you can feel it vibrating through every cell of your body, speaking to your bones, caressing your essence, breathing to your being, beating in perfect synchronicity with your heart, venturing through your veins, flowing through you, basking in your blood, the fluid of your llife.
It dances upon every pulse that throbs in you, sinking into your ppores.
And you can be music. Even when there is no music.
Someone commented to me that it’s a sad but great qqquote.
That’s
when I realized it does have a sad tinge to it. Sad but beautiful especially when it’s placed with my pphoto.
My photo, which also has a kind of sad beauty to it. It’s dark and a bit hazy but pretty and deep.
The line “while the music lasts” reminds us that it’s not forever. It will eend.
But, while that’s sad, it can make us appreciate things even more. When we know something is fleeting and will eventually be out of our grasp, this knowledge and realization can make us appreciate things more deeply and take advantage of the gift of being alive.

So go ahead and be that music.

While it lasts.

Xoxo Kim