Tag Archive | Perseverance

Life Ain’t Always Beautiful

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“Life ain’t always beautiful
Sometimes it’s just plain hard
Life can knock you down, it can break your heart
Life ain’t always beautiful
You think you’re on your way
And it’s just a dead end road at the end of the day
But the struggles make you stronger
And the changes make you wise
And happiness has its own way of takin its sweet time”

I love this beautiful Country song, written by Cyndi Goodman and Tommy Lee James and sung by Gary Allan. 

 It’s so inspiring and touching. And especially knowing one of his real life experiences of deep pain that may have influenced his choice to sing this song and with so much passion. 
The song is about how life can be hard and sad and not all good but it’s still a beautiful journey overall. 

“happiness has its own way of takin’ its sweet time”

Just because we aren’t happy right now or sometimes doesn’t mean we are destined to be unhappy forever. We can always become happy at any point as long as we are alive. 

Gary Allan is a man who experienced true tragedy. He lost his beautiful wife to suicide in 2004. What an unimaginable loss for him and their kids and other family and friends. My heart goes out to them. Imagine the pain and horror they must live with each day. 

His wife, Angela, suffered with severe headaches and depression for years and took her own life one night while she was at home with the children. Poor baby. It’s so devastating that she suffered how she did and couldn’t see the light through her darkness. I wish I could give her a hug. 

We can want to die one second but just a second later change our mind. Imagine how many suicide victims probably would have changed their minds if only they held on just a second longer. Imagine how many pulled the trigger just a second too soon. The depression, the headaches, the suicidal inclination, for many of us aren’t temporary. They are chronic or episodic and they come and go. Come and go. Appear then disappear. But even though they always come back, and even if they stay a while, they always go again or can if we hold on. It does not always feel as if it will or can end or that we can live with it. But the pain can end and/or we can learn to cope better. And we can still find beauty in pain, both physical & emotional. 

“No, life ain’t always beautiful
Tears will fall sometimes
Life ain’t always beautiful
But it’s a beautiful ride”

This song is full of so much strength and determination. So much hope. Instead of giving up and becoming bitter, he takes his pain and puts it into his singing to share beautiful messages with the world.

We can all take our pain, no matter how serious or minor, and turn it into good whether it’s through singing, writing, sharing our experiences or positive message any way we can. Even if it doesn’t reach as many as a famous person’s does, it can still reach at least one. And that is good enough. ❤

This song here can apply to any pain or problems we may have. 

Even through his agony and loss he can see beauty in this life. It's ok that life isn't always beautiful. We can seize all the beautiful moments and acknowledge them, honor them, cherish them instead of getting sucked into the bad and overlooking all the goodness.

Just because pain and tragedy and nonsense exist in life doesn't mean beauty and goodness is outweighed or has to take the back burner. Why let the bad side have all or most of the attention and energy? We have a choice where to place our attention. For some people, it may take a lot of practice to generally see the good. But it's always possible. 

I feel a pull in my chest and deep beauty well up in it when I listen to this song or read the lyrics.

I just love his gentle, kind of sad, but hopeful voice. It’s so beautiful.


"No, life ain't always beautiful
But I know I'll be fine
Hey, life ain't always beautiful
But it's a beautiful ride
What a beautiful ride"

Life Ain't Always Beautiful – Gary Allan 🙂

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Much love & light to you. ❤

Xoxo Kim ❤

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In Love With Nowhere <3

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I read a fiction book called “In Love With Nowhere.” I loved the name as soon as I read it. I automatically interpreted as something positive like we can be in love with “nowhere” like either being physically “in the middle of nowhere” or loving each stage of life even if it seems to be going nowhere.

The book is about a man who is 30 something years old and struggling with severe substance addiction. He is a popular writer of horror fiction books and is well loved by many fans, but his addiction gets the best of him and his career, his marriage, and his whole life are suffering. 

So his agent sets up a place in the woods, a cozy cabin, for him to stay alone for a while to get better. He’ll have no contact with the outside world, other than walks through the woods and the kritters there,  and no access to drugs except smaller and smaller doses of Valium until he’s off it completely. He has to write a blog post each day to let the world know how he is doing and what he’s up to but he has no contact with readers.

Shortly after he gets to the cabin, very strange things begin happening. He’s not sure what’s real and what are hallucinations and delusions. He suffers immensely, both physically and emotionally. He experiences depression and serious physical opiate withdrawal symptoms.  He is plagued with nightmares and terrible visions. 

It’s a psychological thriller and a horror fiction book but runs deeper than just thriller and mystery. There are little life lessons and reminders throughout the book.

Also it helps deepen our empathy for those struggling with addiction. Some scenes are gutwrenching. The author really goes into detail about the physical and emotional torment that people with addiction experience. 

The book is also full of hope and inspiration.

There are little reminders to cherish the beauty all around us. To be mindful of nature and the people we see everywhere we go.

It also reminds us to take comfort in the simple pleasures, when we are sick and in pain, hot tea, a hot shower, a comfortable bed, a cool breeze, just focus on each little thing and allow it to distract us so we don’t have to focus too much on the pain or sickness we are experiencing. It’s ok to find sweet little escapes to help us cope and bring some sense of consolation no matter how small.

Also it reminds us to let go of our painful past, not to be haunted by mistakes we have made and horrific things that happened to us. Acknowledge that they happened, never repress them, but just let them go. They can’t be changed and letting them imprison us does no good to anyone. 

The book also conveys the message that as long as we’re alive, there’s always hope no matter how terrible our life seems now.

Also, it reminds us to smile big like a “simpleton!” lol! A couple occasions the man smiles a big goofy grin like a “simpleton,” The author calls it! My grandmom often called me a simpleton when I was little and I still think it’s funny! There’s nothing more beautiful than those moments where we are so filled with joy, we can just laugh and be silly without a care in the world no matter what’s going on! I have those occasions sometimes no matter how depressed or how much physical pain I’m in. We’re never too old or too bad off (as long as we’re alive) to be simple and silly and full of child-like wonder! 😀

Some scenes are beautiful and serene, some bizarre, and some frightening and very distressing but all together it’s a beautiful story and even though I don’t and never have had a drug problem, I can relate to so many of this man’s underlying experiences.

This isn’t really a spoiler but a line out of the book in case you don’t want to read it and read the book first.
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Just when the man is about to just give up, someone has this to say to him:

“You have so much potential, you can give the world so much, you will give the world so much.” 

“Like I said, the world needs you and eventually it will find a use for you. But not as a repressed drug addict.”

I find this message to be beautiful and inspiring. We are more than just our struggles and pain and we all have potential and so much to give.

We are more than a drug addict or a depressive or schizophrenic, or someone with an eating disorder or low self-esteem or someone drowning in grief. We are more than an asthmatic or cancer patient or an anxious person or whatever physical or emotional ailment or disease we have been afflicted with. So much more. Even when it feels that all we are is someone with pain or a disorder. 

We are not a disorder or a condition or an addiction. I am not my pain.
You are not your anxiety or painful experiences or emotions or words that have hurt you. You aren’t your bad habits or mistakes or flaws or shortcomings.

We have a whole personality and love and skills and gifts beneath those labels and agonizing experiences. Look, feel, and they are there. Here. 

We have so much potential.

So this book is a fun thriller and mystery but it’s also much more.  It’s grounded in hope and healing.

And I just feel the desire to share!

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Even if you don’t read the book, maybe you can find these little reminders helpful or inspiring anyway!

Lots & lots of love to you! 😀

Xoxo Kim 

I Can Stand Up Once Again <3

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Years ago, in a therapy session, I made this inspirational project with my therapist, Hannah.   This was back when my depression wasn’t as healed yet and I was struggling many days. Hannah was a student, doing work at a mental health clinic, and when she graduated she had to leave and isn’t my therapist anymore.

But I am still inspired and touched by all that I have learned when I did therapy work with her.

She helped me a lot and sessions with her were healing & fun. She was really good at listening to me and also she provided me with great, helpful techniques, such as the above activity, cutting out inspirational pictures, words, and stuff out of magazines for an uplifting image and reminder to look at so we can be inspired whenever we see it.

Hannah would often ask me about my favorite songs, why I love them, how they help me, and what they teach me. She explained how it’s a great technique to focus on the messages & Beauty of positive songs and let them inspire & help heal me.

We used to listen to my favorite songs and meditate during sessions. And she asked me to chose a song I love, one that inspires me so we can do a fun, healing activity together during our session. I chose Mariah Carey’s “Through the Rain” which is the song that helped give me the courage and motivation I needed in 2008 to first seek professional treatment for Depression. 

“When you get caught in the rain with no where to run
When you’re distraught and in pain without anyone 
When you keep crying out to be saved 
But nobody comes and you feel so far away 
That you just can’t find your way home 
You can get there alone 
It’s okay, what you say is 
I can make it through the rain 
I can stand up once again on my own 
And I know that I’m strong enough to mend
And every time I feel afraid I hold tighter to my faith
And I live one more day and I make it through the rain” ~ Mariah Carey

Hannah and me chose the line “I can stand up once again” in the song and we made this together and she let me keep it to always remind myself that no matter what happens to me, how low I sink into despair, how often I am knocked down, I can stand up once again.

“And if you keep falling down don’t you dare give in
You will arise safe and sound, so keep pressing on steadfastly
And you’ll find what you need to prevail 
What you say is 
I can make it through the rain 
I can stand up once again on my own 
And I know that I’m strong enough to mend
And every time I feel afraid I hold tighter to my faith 
And I live one more day and I make it through the rain 
And when the rain blows, as shadows grow close don’t be afraid 
There’s nothing you can’t face 
And should they tell you you’ll never pull through 
Don’t hesitate, stand tall and say 
I can make it through the rain 
I can stand up once again on my own 
And I know that I’m strong enough to mend
And every time I feel afraid I hold tighter to my faith 
And I live one more day and I make it through the rain”

I haven’t seen this craft we made in a while and last year my family and me moved to a new house and a lot of stuff somehow disappeared. We don’t know what happened to it. Through the years I would think of this and wish I still had it but I thought it was long gone. Then today I was looking for an old Philosophy book in some old stuff I have packed away and the memory of this popped into my head out of nowhere and I wished more than ever that I had it. I have so much stuffe packed in my closet and a mirror broke and little pieces are all throughout my stuff. I was in pj shorts and a shirt and just reached my hand into some random junk and pulled something out and it happened to be this!!!

I couldn’t believe it! I never even knew it made it to the new house! I don’t remember packing it. But it’s here!! It’s strange that I pulled it out exactly when I remembered it wishing I had it!

Talk about sweet & strange coincidences!  

 
It’s kind of tattered and worn out but it’s still amazing! It just needed some extra glue. It’s tattered, Worn, and broken but still standing!
 

I love the message of this song. It shows that no matter what happens, even if there’s no one with us currently to help us, we can still manage to stand strong.

“I can make it through the rain and stand up once again 
And I live one more day 
And I can make it through the rain 
(Oh, yes, you can) 
You’re gonna make it through the rain” 

Here’s the desktop link for the song video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y9QHrHaPQtM

Mobile link:

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=RRNdmkH8zrI

Xoxo Kim

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My new necklace!

My new necklace!

“The wound is the place where the light enters you.” ~ Rumi

I got this necklace at an Etsy shop like this one: https://www.etsy.com/listing/123470947/the-wound-is-the-place-where-the-light?

& this: https://www.etsy.com/search/handmade/jewelry?includes%5B0%5D=tags&q=rumi+quote

For $15.00

Loud & Proud No Matter What

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I believe we should be proud of all our accomplishments, big and small, alike.   
Accomplishments such as kicking a bad habit, healing or recovering an addiction, quitting old detrimental ways…are still great accomplishments even though some people think they are not because they believe those things shouldn’t have been started in the first place.

I subscribed to this page:

http://www.inspiregreatnessnow.com/Free/day1_okJuK.shtml

And the man who the page belongs to said he is grateful he no longer cheats on women who he is in a relationship with. He wrote that it may seem like a bizarre thing to be thankful for but it was a very destructive part of his life at one point and he finally stopped.  Now his life is better.

I don’t see that as a bizarre thing to be proud of or grateful for. It takes strength and courage to admit to a problem or being wrong then working to change it and also to share with others. 

Everyone makes mistakes.  As I have said, no one is perfect in everyone’s eyes. No matter who you are or how amazing you are, someone out there somewhere,  thinks or would think, if you met the person and the person knows about it, that something you do, say, think, or feel or something you previously did, thought, felt or said is/was wrong. Someone will see flaws in you.

It seems as if we often tend to negatively judge people based on the seriousness of the consequences of their actions instead of the morality of the actual action, I guess you can say.  

For example, people often severely criticize people who take drugs and get addicted. The fact that someone takes recreational drugs and gets addicted may have serious, devastating consequences but it says nothing about the character of the person or the person’s general morals.  Some people never take drugs but are just very unkind people who want to drag others down and go out of their way to hurt people merely for the thrill.   And many people who do take illicit drugs or have previously taken them are great people with beautiful personalities who would never go all out to hurt people just for the thrill.

A couple months ago someone told a lie involving me at work.  I forgive the person and believe it was a mistake and not typical of her. Not a mistake as if she wasn’t aware of what she was doing, she knew, and she had malicious intentions, although I have no idea why because we always had a good relationship with each other.  But I view this as a mistake, something she should not have done but she did.  This could have cost me my job.

But I don’t view this as something that defines her personality or character.   It was a mistake, a wrongdoing, a negative act but I choose to look at her as the whole person she is and not as a horrible person based on one vicious act.

People have advised me to feel bitter towards her, to seek revenge, to see her as a horrible individual.  But I choose to move forward with an open heart, forgive her, and “forget.”

She did not admit she was wrong and she lies to the bitter end but I don’t believe her lying now has to do with being malicious towards me any longer.  I think it now has to do with her not wanting to admit she was wrong, feeling as if that’s a weakness on her part.  She has to lie to back up the main lie so as not to confess that she was initially wrong.  So even if she’s sorry, she won’t say it because that would be admitting she was wrong.

However, she did express guilt in other ways and seemed to be trying to make up for it by being extra kind and helpful.  That, in my opinion, is better than an empty “I’m sorry” anyway.

For months I have been angrier than I have ever been, some moments, to the point of fury and it was seeping into every aspect of my life, not just work. I would forgive then go back to holding a grudge off and on but I finally let go, for myself and for her. I don’t want to be angry. She doesn’t want me to be angry.  And it’s done now.

So, my message here is that mistakes you have made and will make, usually say nothing about who you are as a whole person and even if you aren’t as great as you can be, there’s always the possibility for change. You may have to work hard.  It may be awkward and feel uncomfortable now and then but it’s worth it.

And when you accomplish something great like realizing you were wrong and you change your ways or work on yourself for the better that is something to be proud of yourself for no matter what others say.

I have difficulty deleting apps, songs, pictures, and other files off my phone, even ones I never, ever use or even care about.   I always have this fear like “What if I change my mind and delete it and can’t get it back again?!” or “What if later I would come to really want this stuff on my phone and I forget all about it and never know to put it back on?!”.   Lol things like that. So because of this, I can’t put on new stuff or take new pics.

But two nights ago, yesterday,  and today I overcame my limiting fears and decided to go on a deleting spree, deleting everything I don’t use.  Some things I wrote down just in case I may want it again. 

I let my reasoning prevail over emotion. Now is what matters and now I really need more space on my phone.  And I probably will never want those apps and the truth is I can install most of them again if I want later.

This may seem like a trivial thing to be proud of but I must say, I’m proud! Lol. For me, that’s an accomplishment. 

Also, I’m a slob. It’s true. I leave empty soda bottles and candy wrappers around my house and my mom gets so mad. That’s not something I should do ever. But I do.  So when I actually avoid doing that on my own without being told, I feel a sense of accomplishment.   

I hope you will go easy on yourself.   Forgive. Learn.  Move forward. Be honest & open with yourself.

Lol My message here now is that you should be proud and thankful for all of your accomplishments no matter how trivial or important they seem to you or to others. Every little thing you do that contributes in some way, big or small, to a better you, a better world, a better environment, a better relationship, or a better anything is worth being proud of and grateful for.  Even the simplest things.

And this will get you in the habit of seeing the good in you and acknowledging and celebrating your positive aspects and successes. I believe this can lead to a happier life.

What are you holding onto that you should be letting go of?
What should you forgive yourself for?
What would happen inside you if you admit that you were wrong? Admit to yourself?   To others?
Why are you holding on to self resentment?
How about you make the decision to let go now?

Xoxo Kim

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A Beautiful Medley

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I don’t know of anyone who never ever does anything wrong or never has done something to hurt another or hurt her/himself.

I don’t know of anyone who is perfect in everyone’s eyes and has a one hundred percent clean conscience because of never doing a thing wrong. 

Just like life itself, each one of us is made up of good and bad, happy and sad, wonder and stagnation, positivity & negativity.

….

Whatever you have done or said or felt….there is hope for you. It doesn’t make you a horrible person.
 
There are some things I have done or even just thought or felt and then have felt extreme guilt, remorse, or fear of what people would think if they found out I did that or thought that or felt that way.

Guilt can be a very unpleasant, wretched, horrifying feeling that can torment a person for so long.

The feeling that you can and should be better but just never are, the feeling of regret, the feeling that it’s too late now to start over or that there’s no hope, can nag and torture you endlessly. 

Please, go easy on yourself. You’re not a monster!  
And there IS hope!

Maybe you lied to someone who trusted you deeply, carelessly or intentionally hurt someone, maybe you were arrested or committed a criminal act without getting caught, gossiped, started drama, yelled, lost your temper, blew off a social invitation, let someone down, insulted someone, did something selfish, wasted money, stole something, told an offensive joke, made someone cry, maybe you drink too much coffee or alcohol, maybe you smoke too much, maybe you don’t feel like the best mother or father, maybe you have struggled with some sort of addiction, maybe you drove your car recklessly, maybe you yelled at other drivers or cursed someone out, had an abortion, got a divorce or 10 divorces, broke someone’s heart, did not help someone who needed help, dropped out of school, don’t have a lot of money, are homeless, crashed your car, maybe you’re too loud for some people or maybe too quiet, maybe you wanted to go out and have fun or just sleep instead of taking care of someone who needed you, maybe you’re promiscuous, sick, fatigued often, maybe you binge and purge and starve….

But this stuff doesn’t define you.

You are a person as a whole. A lot of parts and aspects all put together to make a beautiful WHOLE person. You are not just the bad or the painful. You don’t have to like or promote or be proud of all the painful things you did but you can be proud of how you handle them and overcome them and let them strengthen you and better you.

Let the pain make you better, not bitter.

In this life of mine:

For the first four years of college, I hardly opened my textbooks that my mom and dad spent hundreds and hundreds and thousands upon thousands of dollars on, I procrastinated with assignments until the very morning they had to be in, even 10 page essays, I got f’s and almost got thrown out of college, I was late everyday, I spent lots of money splurging on myself buying unnecessary things knowing my mom needed the money to pay bills, I have told lies to get myself out of trouble instead of admitting what I did, I sent a friend who wasn’t being a good friend, a list of insults about herself when I was angry, I have been too shy on some occasions to reach out to people, I made thoughtless and big mistakes at work which got me in trouble and could have cost me my job, I wasn’t able to pay back my student loans, when I was a girl of 21 years, I maxed out three credit cards like I just won one million dollars, I have terrible credit, I procrastinate, I get angry, I get depressed, I tried to kill myself, I have been dangerously suicidal for many, many years, I was hospitalized with depression and psychosis, I drink too much soda, I think songs with lots of cursing are funny, I have misjudged people and I’m sure I will again, I like risqué jokes and send them to my mom just to tick her off, I have been two faced, I have been jealous of other girls for various reasons, I have attempted to make other girls jealous of me
, I have been a snitch, I have been sneaky, I have cursed my life and wanted to die, I have envied the dead, I can be lazy, I make messes and don’t always clean them up right away, I spill stuff and leave it for a while, I leave old food around and my mom gets mad, I live with my mom and dad, I’m disorganized, I never had a “real” job, I have gotten revenge on people when I could have just let it go, I stole out of a store, I have made mental lists of  the things I can say to people who have made me angry, to make them feel low about themselves, me, along with another girl, have destroyed a girl’s phone when she was not around because she was messing with us, I have spread vicious gossip about a girl to seek revenge on her…..

and there will be more to come because this life isn’t over!   I will continue to make mistakes and do things and think things that aren’t the best because that’s how it is.

Now read my above list! If that’s all you knew, what would you think of me?

That I’m horrible?   A monster? A vicious girl? A wreck?   Uncivilized? Just not that great?

But in this life…..
I am also very loving, extremely empathetic, caring for all living things, I love to see people win , cannot stand seeing people suffer, don’t like disappointing people, am generally very honest and not sneaky, am true and real, a very loyal friend, not negatively gossipy, go out of my way to help and expect nothing in return, plan to pay back all my credit cards and student loans when I can, I want a counseling job helping people,  love meeting new people, having friends, love oldies music and love songs, sappy love songs, romantic comedies, uplifting music, very easily amused, light hearted, accepting, open minded, very forgiving, usually don’t hold grudges, trusting and open, almost never thoughtless and almost never intentionally or carelessly hurt people in anyway, not a backstabber, not vengeful in general, love country music, very positive, love to inspire and be inspired, take on the world’s pain, bask in the success of others even when I don’t feel very successful myself, filled with gratitude, have a passionate love and zest for life, full of life, not negatively judgmental in general, easy to get along with even when we have passionate opposing views,  want the best for everyone, can easily keep people’s secrets, love to help people, console, hug, uplift, brighten people’s days…..

Now what if you just seen this above description? You wouldn’t really know anything bad and some people may think I don’t do anything wrong or bad. But the truth is, I am all different things together. I have made mistakes and will again.   Just like you.

Forgive yourself.   You deserve to be accepted for your good and your bad side. You deserve to be accepted and loved by yourself and others. Those who do not accept you do not deserve you.  You don’t have to be a perfect angel to be amazing and great and loved and worthy of love. 

True friends will love you, good, and bad, and all.

“Every saint has a past and every sinner has a future.” – Oscar Wilde

Xoxo Kim

“You’re having a hard time and lately you don’t feel so good
You’re getting a bad reputation in your neighborhood
It’s alright, it’s alright
Sometimes that’s what it takes
You’re only human, you’re allowed to make your share of mistakes
You better believe there will be times in your life
When you’ll be feeling like a stumbling fool
So take it from me you’ll learn more from your accidents
Than anything that you could ever learn at school

Don’t forget your second wind
Sooner of later you’ll get your second wind

It’s not always easy to be living in this world of pain
You’re gonna be crashing into stone walls again and again
It’s alright, it’s alright
Though you feel your heart break
You’re only human, you’re gonna have to deal with heartache”

~ Billy Joel (You’re Only Human)

A Beautiful Medley

I don’t know of anyone who never ever does anything wrong or never has done something to hurt another or hurt her/himself.

I don’t know of anyone who is perfect in everyone’s eyes and has a one hundred percent clean conscience because of never doing a thing wrong. 

Just like life itself, each one of us is made up of good and bad, happy and sad, wonder and stagnation, positivity & negativity.

….

Whatever you have done or said or felt….there is hope for you. It doesn’t make you a horrible person.
 
There are some things I have done or even just thought or felt and then have felt extreme guilt, remorse, or fear of what people would think if they found out I did that or thought that or felt that way.

Guilt can be a very unpleasant, wretched, horrifying feeling that can torment a person for so long.

The feeling that you can and should be better but just never are, the feeling of regret, the feeling that it’s too late now to start over or that there’s no hope, can nag and torture you endlessly. 

Please, go easy on yourself. You’re not a monster!  
And there IS hope!

Maybe you lied to someone who trusted you deeply, carelessly or intentionally hurt someone, maybe you were arrested or committed a criminal act without getting caught, gossiped, started drama, yelled, lost your temper, blew off a social invitation, let someone down, insulted someone, did something selfish, wasted money, stole something, told an offensive joke, made someone cry, maybe you drink too much coffee or alcohol, maybe you smoke too much, maybe you don’t feel like the best mother or father, maybe you have struggled with some sort of addiction, maybe you drove your car recklessly, maybe you yelled at other drivers or cursed someone out, had an abortion, got a divorce or 10 divorces, broke someone’s heart, did not help someone who needed help, dropped out of school, don’t have a lot of money, are homeless, crashed your car, maybe you’re too loud for some people or maybe too quiet, maybe you wanted to go out and have fun or just sleep instead of taking care of someone who needed you, maybe you’re promiscuous, sick, fatigued often, maybe you binge and purge and starve….

But this stuff doesn’t define you.

You are a person as a whole. A lot of parts and aspects all put together to make a beautiful WHOLE person. You are not just the bad or the painful. You don’t have to like or promote or be proud of all the painful things you did but you can be proud of how you handle them and overcome them and let them strengthen you and better you.

Let the pain make you better, not bitter.

In this life of mine:

For the first four years of college, I hardly opened my textbooks that my mom and dad spent hundreds and hundreds and thousands upon thousands of dollars on, I procrastinated with assignments until the very morning they had to be in, even 10 page essays, I got f’s and almost got thrown out of college, I was late everyday, I spent lots of money splurging on myself buying unnecessary things knowing my mom needed the money to pay bills, I have told lies to get myself out of trouble instead of admitting what I did, I sent a friend who wasn’t being a good friend, a list of insults about herself when I was angry, I have been too shy on some occasions to reach out to people, I made thoughtless and big mistakes at work which got me in trouble and could have cost me my job, I wasn’t able to pay back my student loans, when I was a girl of 21 years, I maxed out three credit cards like I just won one million dollars, I have terrible credit, I procrastinate, I get angry, I get depressed, I tried to kill myself, I have been dangerously suicidal for many, many years, I was hospitalized with depression and psychosis, I drink too much soda, I think songs with lots of cursing are funny, I have misjudged people and I’m sure I will again, I like risqué jokes and send them to my mom just to tick her off, I have been two faced, I have been jealous of other girls for various reasons, I have attempted to make other girls jealous of me
, I have been a snitch, I have been sneaky, I have cursed my life and wanted to die, I have envied the dead, I can be lazy, I make messes and don’t always clean them up right away, I spill stuff and leave it for a while, I leave old food around and my mom gets mad, I live with my mom and dad, I’m disorganized, I never had a “real” job, I have gotten revenge on people when I could have just let it go, I stole out of a store, I have made mental lists of  the things I can say to people who have made me angry, to make them feel low about themselves, me, along with another girl, have destroyed a girl’s phone when she was not around because she was messing with us, I have spread vicious gossip about a girl to seek revenge on her…..

and there will be more to come because this life isn’t over!   I will continue to make mistakes and do things and think things that aren’t the best because that’s how it is.

Now read my above list! If that’s all you knew, what would you think of me?

That I’m horrible?   A monster? A vicious girl? A wreck?   Uncivilized? Just not that great?

But in this life…..
I am also very loving, extremely empathetic, caring for all living things, I love to see people win , cannot stand seeing people suffer, don’t like disappointing people, am generally very honest and not sneaky, am true and real, a very loyal friend, not negatively gossipy, go out of my way to help and expect nothing in return, plan to pay back all my credit cards and student loans when I can, I want a counseling job helping people,  love meeting new people, having friends, love oldies music and love songs, sappy love songs, romantic comedies, uplifting music, very easily amused, light hearted, accepting, open minded, very forgiving, usually don’t hold grudges, trusting and open, almost never thoughtless and almost never intentionally or carelessly hurt people in anyway, not a backstabber, not vengeful in general, love country music, very positive, love to inspire and be inspired, take on the world’s pain, bask in the success of others even when I don’t feel very successful myself, filled with gratitude, have a passionate love and zest for life, full of life, not negatively judgmental in general, easy to get along with even when we have passionate opposing views,  want the best for everyone, can easily keep people’s secrets, love to help people, console, hug, uplift, brighten people’s days…..

Now what if you just seen this above description? You wouldn’t really know anything bad and some people may think I don’t do anything wrong or bad. But the truth is, I am all different things together. I have made mistakes and will again.   Just like you.

Forgive yourself.   You deserve to be accepted for your good and your bad side. You deserve to be accepted and loved by yourself and others. Those who do not accept you do not deserve you.  You don’t have to be a perfect angel to be amazing and great and loved and worthy of love. 

True friends will love you, good, and bad, and all.

“Every saint has a past and every sinner has a future.” – Oscar Wilde

Xoxo Kim

“You’re having a hard time and lately you don’t feel so good
You’re getting a bad reputation in your neighborhood
It’s alright, it’s alright
Sometimes that’s what it takes
You’re only human, you’re allowed to make your share of mistakes
You better believe there will be times in your life
When you’ll be feeling like a stumbling fool
So take it from me you’ll learn more from your accidents
Than anything that you could ever learn at school

Don’t forget your second wind
Sooner of later you’ll get your second wind

It’s not always easy to be living in this world of pain
You’re gonna be crashing into stone walls again and again
It’s alright, it’s alright
Though you feel your heart break
You’re only human, you’re gonna have to deal with heartache”

~ Billy Joel (You’re Only Human)