Tag Archive | pet loss

For anyone in need of some cheer❤💛🐾

This is for anyone struggling in any way today whether it’s something seemingly minor like a common cold, hectic day at work, bad mood…or something that may seem more serious like depression, grief, anxiety, health issues…two young, happy, healthy bulldogs!!

They aren’t mine; I’m their nanny! Any pets’ pics I post, I have permission!

Today, my world crumbled on top of me when my boss called me to tell me not one but TWO of my furbabies are dead today. I am shattered. Losing them is like losing my own. I don’t know what to do with myself. The two dogs who died were(are) a significant part of me like my own. It’s definitely ultimately the loss of their families but being a pet(or human kid) nanny, we come to love them like our own. This is very heavy pain. I always knew this day would come but can’t believe it’s actually today. One(two) of my worst nightmares has come true. Today.

My love goes out to the families. Both losses are unexpected. The one furbaby had cancer and was old but he was doing well then took a turn for the worst like out of nowhere. The other baby was not quite as old and not sick at all and no one knows what happened. He just got sick out of nowhere. I took care of both babies for over two years and this is the part of the job that sucks. I fed them, walked them, slept in bed with them, played with them, dried them off after the rain or snow… Like I have said before, this work comes with immense love but also immense heartache.❤💔❤🐾

I lost two of my own dogs to death in October, one expectedly & one unexpectedly, and it’s challenging to lose two so close together like now. I can’t grieve for both together because they are two separate beings and two separate relations to them. And grief is so all encompassing and needs all the attention but I can’t give it the attention it needs because there’s two at once to grieve for. The grief for each one doesn’t blend together. It stays separate. And both need my attention but it’s physically difficult to do that. Now I’m just numb.

It’s different with love. I can love both separately, easily. They both had very loving furever homes and will always be loved.

Anyway, the babies here are still very much alive and here to brighten your day as they brighten mine! They are sweet and loving and snuggly and can be kind of naughty! The big boy is about four years old and the little girl is ten weeks! She was just adopted to be his lil sis! They look so much alike! She’s like his lil mini me! They get along so well! But of course, just like any big brother, he can get a bit sad & jealous when she gets attention.

I make sure to give both all the love!

Since I’m absolutely shattered today my first thought is to try to bring some love to someone else so here are these sweet lil babies!

Much love & light…and hugs to you!❤

Xoxo Kim

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In loving memory of sweet Boo, boo❤🐾

How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard.”❤

This is Boo. I was his nanny for two years. I just received heartbreaking news that he died. He was very sick and thankfully very old so he lived a long life for a kitty. His mommy & daddy gave him the best, loving furever home a kitty can have, along with his brother, a doggy.

He was the sweetest kitty, so loving and gentle. He never bit or scratched me when I would give him his medication in a syringe even though he did not like it at all. He loved treats and pets and kisses and would purr & meow happily when I visited.

I used to not handle grief & loss well. I used to view the loss of a human or animal I knew as something insurmountable, something I couldn’t possibly overcome. Often when someone would die, I wanted to die too, to stop the pain. Sometimes, I still have fleeting moments like that. To me, it’s just as devastating to lose an animal as to lose a human, although I have much more experience with losing animals and have felt it to be less traumatic than losing a human.

I have learned to see loss as a “side effect” or “byproduct” of being “given” the beautiful gift of someone to love so deeply. Instead of focusing on the loss part, I focus on the “given” part. I did not have to be “given” this pet or person in the first place. Instead of seeing it as something being taken away, I see the gift of what I got to have and hold so close.

Most of my pain when someone dies is not for me but for the one whose life was taken. But I see it the same way, life is a gift and that human or animal got to experience it even if just for a short while. Boo was happy and so well loved and always will be loved. Even though his life has ended, what matters is that he lived.

It was & is so devastating to receive the news about my sweet Boo boo but I’m so thankful I got to know and love him for the two years I did and my love for him will continue as long as I live.

His mommy & daddy wrote me a message and said they are thankful he had a nanny who loves him like my own.

This is the worst part of my job, having to say goodbye. Losing a furry client can be like losing my own. What is the difference? I come to know them and love them and take care of them. Sometimes I even have them overnight and sleep in bed with them, falling asleep with them at night and waking up with them in the morning, like living with them.

Sometimes the pain of losing them is or seems unbearable. And because there are so many of all different ages, sometimes we lose a couple so close together and I wonder what I got myself into taking a job like this.

Animals are so fragile and have naturally short lifespans so I don’t expect to have them around as long as I expect to have humans around (and I shouldn’t even really expect it of humans). In this way, it makes it not quite as traumatic or stressful as a human I know dying but it doesn’t lessen the pain of my loss either. Losing a pet is still like being gutted.

I’m so thankful not only that I get to love the furbabies I take care of but get to love their humans as well. People are always so very thankful to know that while they are away, their furkids are being loved & cared for so well. Even with the pain of loss, it is very worth it.

I knew Boo wasn’t doing very well. I always give the furbabies kisses goodbye but on my last day with Boo, I gave him one last extra kiss goodbye. I did not truly believe it would be the last day I saw him. I’m so thankful for that last kiss.

My heart goes out to Boo’s family.❤

My love goes out to all grieving the loss of a pet.❤ They are our family, our furever loves and not everyone understands our love for them and the profound pain of our loss when they must leave us.🐾❤

Much love,

Kim

My dog, Boobie❤

My dog, Boobie, five years ago today!! Tomorrow will be the second anniversary of her death. She was an old girl. While I am sad & grieving, I know the most important thing is that she lived. She had a loving furever home with my family for nearly 14 years. She even has two puppies who my family kept! A boy & a girl who are almost four years old(this month!). Every year on mother’s day, Boobie’s birthday, and the anniversary that she came to live with us, we buy her puppies a special treat to honor her. We used to buy her special gifts and now it’s a gift to be able to celebrate her by giving her pups something extra! How sweet! We also have Boobie’s baby daddy. Lol He’s a little pomeranian and so cute! What a sweet little family.

“You can shed tears that she is gone
or you can smile because she has lived.

You can close your eyes and pray that she’ll come back
or you can open your eyes and see all she’s left.

Your heart can be empty because you can’t see her
or you can be full of the love you shared.

You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday
or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.

You can remember her and only that she’s gone
or you can cherish her memory and let it live on.

You can cry and close your mind,
be empty and turn your back
or you can do what she’d want:
smile, open your eyes, love, and go on.”❤

~Hugs~

Much love & light, always,

Xoxo Kim

Love – Compassion <3

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(my King, Oscar, & me last night! We’re in bed getting ready to go to sleep <3)

“Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.” ~Leo Buscaglia

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This is King Oscar! He used to be Prince Oscar but he has been promoted to King! 😀

He's an old boy and can't really hear or see but he's very cuddly and loves to snuggle. He sleeps in my bed each night and snuggles on my neck! He also slobbers a lot. eww! lol

He is an extra large shih tzu!

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And this is my baby, Boobie. She died yesterday. 😦 </3

She was nearly fourteen years old and her life was just up. I am devestated but so thankful she had a loving furever home with me for so many years.

I had her since she was a pup & I was sixteen years old. I can't imagine this life without my girl. </3

But I focus on the positive, the love, the goodness, the happy memories. She was the sweetest girl, loving and funny, a barker and beggar! lol

She brought us toys and loved to snuggle with my mom!

My mom isn't well after our loss. She loves animals and Boobie was closest to her.

I have loved & lost many pets through the years and know this pain well but it always feels new in a way. Each loss feels unbearable sometimes even though there were many before.

But like I said, I'm focusing on the good and not dwelling too much on the sad loss.

I’m more sad for my baby than for me. I miss her but she’s the one dead. I would have died so she can live if I could have. But that can’t be so I’m just cherishing the love & memories!

https://inspirationalgem.wordpress.com/2016/07/05/me-you-and-a-dog-named-boobie-3/

I'm wishing you much love & light, always. ❤

xoxo Kim

For a friend <3

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“And now I’m left without, but you’re here within
As I watch the sun go down, watching the world fade away
All the memories of you come rushing back to me
As I watch the sun go down, watching the world fade away
All I want to do is kiss you once goodbye”
~ Jimmy Somerville 

This is a song I love and sometimes I listen to it when my grief (about different losses) is at its worst. I discovered this song a few years ago after my dog, Koko, died of old age.

I felt destroyed and like my loss is unbearable. My agony over the loss of my dog felt like it was killing me. Sometimes I still feel that. Shortly after my dog died in 2013, I was so griefstricken and was searching for anything to help me and I stumbled upon this song riddled with love & loss.

It’s a beautiful song about the devastating loss of a friend. It’s very sad but hopeful too.

Grief & loss can feel so lonely but it’s something almost everyone experiences at least once at some point. We almost all will lose a friend, a parent, a pet, a grandparent…and we won’t all experience it the same exact way or handle it the same. But underneath it all, is that sense of loss & grief that most of us will relate to in some way. 

“I never cried the way I cried over you
As I put down the telephone and the world it carried on
Somewhere else, someone else is crying too
Another man has lost a friend, I bet he feels the way I do”

I love this line here because it displays empathy. Whatever we are experiencing, pleasant or unpleasant, no matter how unique our inner experience is or feels, it’s very likely someone else, somewhere out there, is feeling or has felt the same way or very similarly. 

It’s great to remember that, not just because we can feel less lonely but it deepens our empathy for others and can deepen our sense of connection and oneness with others we know or not know personally. 

It’s not good that others are suffering but since there are people suffering like us, it’s good to reach out to each other or share our stories so others can feel a sense of being understood. 

Empathy isn’t just about understanding or feeling the pain of others but also sharing in their joy, success, and happiness.

I have been listening to this song and thinking about my friend/coworker, Diane, who I was close to and worked with for almost ten years. She died unexpectedly of a heart attack at work almost a year ago. I experience all kinds of emotions about it, anger, confusion, fear, despair, pain…, sometimes I feel as if I’m drowning or suffocating. But I also experience love & gratitude which I know are strong enough to conquer all those horrific emotions. Love & gratitude won’t burn them out completely but they make them easier to bear. 

Grief doesn’t go away usually, but we learn to handle it as the days go on and it heals to a certain degree.

“I’ll never let you down, a battle I have found
And all the dreams we had, I will carry on
As I watch the sun go down, watching the world fade away
All the memories of you come rushing back to me
As I watch the sun go down, watching the world fade away
All I want to do is kiss you once goodbye, goodbye
Goodbye, goodbye”

Beautiful lyrics! ❤

I feel his pain. </3 ❤

Let's remember the positive qualities of the ones we lost and honor them each day. Bask in the happy memories and the fact we got to know them as long as we did even if it wasn't very long. We could have never encountered them in this life but we did and that's a blessing even with the severe pain. 

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Much love & light & inner peace to you, always.

❤ 😀

Xoxo Kim 

Hope

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As I have mentioned previously, in April this year, my sweet little pom mix, Koko died of old age. We had her for 12 years and she was 14 years old, almost. It’s one of the worst things that ever happened to me and one of the worst kinds of pain I ever felt and my heart will always be broken.
She had the sweetest little face, so innocent and angelic.   She was one of the most calmest, mild tempered dogs I have ever known. She was part pomeranian and part papapalya (sp?) and since I was never familiar with either one of those breeds, I never knew, and always wondered which one she more closely resembled.

Dogs don’t generally live to be much older than fourteen years old. And shortly before Koko’s death, she began to change. She was still the happy, sweet little girl she has always been but she began to be very slow and did not jump up to greet me as much, her breathing was different but she wasn’t sick or suffering. I knew deep inside it wouldn’t be much longer before we wouldn’t have our sweet girl with us anymore.   It was/is heartbreaking.

One day, a few days before Koko died, I was in Center City, Philadelphia with my family and I saw a lady walking two very small dogs who look exactly like Koko. Their faces are identical to hers except theirs are white while hers was tan. They look so innocent, sweet, angelic…so calm and peaceful like Koko always looked and always was.

I found these two babies to be beautiful but I felt my heart break some more knowing that soon, I would never see that face again except for in pictures. 

A few days later Koko died. I was devastated, to say the least. Many days and nights I jumped up in a panic with my heart nearly pumping out of my chest thinking, how can this be, how can she really be gone, how can I go on without my baby? I was angry for months, not at anyone or anything specifically, just furious off and on month after month. There are even a few days I wanted to die, the pain, the loss, the grief, the sorrow, was so overwhelming.

Shortly after Koko died, I was in a daze, I wasn’t myself, I functioned like a zombie, I went to a check cashing place with my mom. I saw a sign hanging up about purebred pomeranian puppies for sale by a family who had a litter of them.

I couldn’t believe it. I never seen signs advertising pom poms before, mostly pit bulls and Shepherds, never poms.

I knew I wanted one of those puppies but we already had three and my dad doesn’t care for having more than a couple animals so my mom and me thought he wouldn’t go for it.

I also did not want it to seem as if I was trying to replace Koko. No one can ever replace her. But someone can come along and help heal the pain of her loss.

I copied the number and when my dad came home, he very surprisingly agreed to let us look into it. I called the lady who made the sign. I rarely call people I don’t know for any reason. I’m very shy until getting to know someone. But I called. There was one little boy left who still needed his furever home.

So we went to the family’s house and there he was in a pac n play, standing up wagging his little tail, four months old. I fell in love.

He has Koko’s face. Sweet. Angelic. Calm. Innocent. The face I thought I would never see again. Never kiss again.

We brought him home and I love him more than words can say.

He looks exactly like Koko but he is nothing like her. He is wild, energetic, into everything, he begs and steals, he wakes me up. He chews everything he gets his little paws on. He ruined so many pairs of my shoes, including three pairs of stilettos, he playfully ripped my nose ring out that I had for nearly 10 years and it now closed up mostly, he pulls on my nose with his teeth in a silly, playful way…

And I couldn’t be happier with my boy.

I would give up all my material possessions for him.

He sleeps with me at night. Curled up around my neck, next to me, in my hair, in my arms, he loves to snuggle, he can’t give enough kisses.

He is so little but his heart is bursting with love.
He doesn’t replace Koko. No one ever will. My heart will always ache for Koko. My grief will always remain. But I love Emmy, my new baby, just as much.

My grief escalates now and then, it gets better and worse but will never go. And I don’t want it to go. I can still be happy with grief.

I carry Koko in my heart always & forever.

We cannot always choose what happens to us but we can learn how to effectively react to things and keep on going and going until things get better.

My message is one of hope. When Koko was on the verge of death and after her death, I was hopeless, sometimes to the point of despair. I never imagined something good would later come my way. But I was wrong.   There’s always hope even if we can’t currently feel it. Things can turn out better than we could have ever imagined.

Keep going, keep living….
Wake up & live all over again….
You can be stronger than you think.
You never know who you are inspiring. 
Who is falling in love with your smile.
Who is touched by your kindness.
Who wants to kiss away your tears.
Whose life is greatly impacted by yours.

When the world says, “Give up,”
Hope whispers, “Try it one more time.”
– Anonymous

“What do we live for, if it is not
to make life less difficult for each other?”
– George Eliot

“There are no hopeless situations;
there are only men who have grown hopeless about them.”
– Clare Boothe Luce 

“Today I choose the higher road –
the path of charity, acceptance,
love, selflessness, kindness.”
– Jonathan Lockwood Huie

“Every tomorrow has two handles.
We can take hold of it with the handle of anxiety
or the handle of faith.”
– Henry Ward Beecher

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My sweet Koko.

Xoxo Kim

If we weren’t all crazy we would go insane

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(my dog Koko after she got done eating a vanilla cream horn treat.   she has cream on her little face. Lol silly girl!)

” And I’ll never be the same without you here
I’ll live alone and hide myself behind my tears
And I’ll never be the same without your love
I’ll live alone and try so hard to rise above” ~ Christopher Cross

I’m ready. 

Ready to start laughing again. Those good belly laughs I used to laugh almost constantly every night and day for as long as I can remember. Until my dog died. Three months ago.  

I stopped laughing then. I wouldn’t let myself. When I found something amusing as I usually do I would quickly remind myself, “Wait! You can’t laugh, Koko is dead!”. And I would become somber. Or apathetic. Or grief stricken. Or just stop. And go about my day. Not laughing. 

I wouldn’t really say or think those words but the concept of my sweet dog being dead would creep into my brain destroying any desire I had to laugh, any ounce of amusement I began to experience .

Ever since I was little, in elementary school, probably even before, I have been very easily amused over everything and nothing. I laugh more than anyone I have ever known.

I got in trouble in class often for laughing out loud uncontrollably at kids being bad.

My mom yells at me sometimes for laughing during inappropriate situations like when my dog eats out of the cat’s litter box. Lol

Once, my therapist asked me if it is some sort of coping mechanism or cover up for Anxiety. And my answer is NO. I am genuinely amused.   Just a silly, giggly girl. I usually always find something to laugh about even when I am unhappy or depressed or angry!

There are occasions when I have been super furious at someone but still amused and laughing uncontrollably and I would be so pissed at myself for laughing because who is going to take my anger seriously when I’m laughing my ass off?! Lol 😀

But when Koko died in April I stopped laughing. After a few days I started to smile and laugh a little bit and be slightly amused but those serious belly laughs have been extremely rare.

Grief never goes away. Grief over a human friend or family member or grief over a fur or feather or reptile…… friend dying is forever etched in our hearts.

But for many people it eventually heals to a point where it’s not always raw or always the main feeling everyday. It appears and reappears and on some occasions even decades later, maybe it resurfaces at full force and then subsides again. 

It doesn’t have to hinder or taint happiness.

My grief has for the most part taken the back burner and I can still be happy and I even eventually began feeling mostly like myself again. But still there has been some kind of damper put on this life of mine.

There will always be a part of me missing. Always. My dog wasn’t just my “pet”. She was my friend, my family.

And this death hurts me so much it’s unbelievable.   

But this death is somewhat easier than what many people have to endure with a loss. Koko was old and lived a whole dog life and 12 years with me. And she was not sick, in pain, or suffering when she died. My mom and dad were there with her and watched her take her last breath.

She began to slow down days before her death and her breathing changed and we hoped so desperately that she wouldn’t begin to suffer and that if she must die soon that it would be easy and quick. I couldn’t bear to think of her suffering or being euthanized by an animal doctor as my mom mentioned may have to happen.

 
Some dogs die alone, in pain, lost, young, and abandoned, never knowing true love. Some are so bad off they are euthanized.  

But not Koko. She was loved by us for 12 years. We celebrated her every birthday, bought her gifts every holiday, let her sleep in bed, on the sofa, she had other fur friends. I bought her treats home every night after work. The girl was spoiled!! 😉

And she died old, quickly, and naturally.

And for all of that I am so blessed. Seriously what more can I ask for?!

It does not take away my grief.   But grief should never go away anyway. Grief is part of living and loving and when one life is so impacted by another grief is the result of loss.

A few days ago I began laughing again a lot
 Throughout the day like before. And it has been continuing everyday now.

And I realized I haven’t been my giggly self for so long. I felt different but could not put my finger on it. Then one night I laughed hysterically over song lyrics and realized I haven’t laughed quite like that in ages!

I think after three months my grief is finally beginning to heal more.

It’s important to remember that it’s ok to laugh even when someone else has died or is dying or experiencing tragedy or pain or illness.

I have a tendency to feel guilt laughing when I hear about, see on the news, or know someone who died or is experiencing tragedy.

But me/you/someone  not laughing and intentionally not having fun does not help the tragedy in the world. It just results in another unhappy person or one who is not fully living.

I can laugh. It won’t hurt Koko. If I choose not to laugh, it won’t bring her back. It HURTS to let go. Hurts desperately. But it’s ok.

Just because you laugh doesn’t mean you are cold or don’t care or are forgetting or ignoring the death or pain of others.

You are still living. It’s your life. It’s ok. It’s necessary to move forward.

I never wanted to admit this but a few days after Koko died my pain was so severe I thought I wanted to die too.

I felt nothing but anger every day and pain.
I wasn’t angry at anyone specifically.   There was no one to be angry at.

But now I don’t feel angry. I feel blessed. I am blessed. 

Two nights ago I was looking through older pictures trying to find one of my dog, Isis Summerjo, and I accidentally saw like 100 of Koko in my phone and I felt as if I was suffocating and drowning all over again. 

I have only been able to look at pictures of her and talk about her on certain occasions when I felt enabled to do so. And then I accidentally saw them and I clicked each and every one I saw and looked.  It hurt but I smiled and realized how much stronger I am now.

A brief fleeting thought of me wanting to die ran across my brain. But I told myself.   What good will dying do? Will it bring Koko back? No. Will it end my pain? Yes but it will also end everything else. And I don’t need that.

There is always hope.

My life is more good than pain.

And even when it doesn’t feel that way.

There’s always hope.

I am so skilled now more than ever at being able to see the good amidst the bad. The positive in the negative. The hope in the darkness. The healing in the hurt.

I can even feel happy while depressed.

Also, 

 It’s now July! You know what that means right!? Nine months. I haven’t been suicidal or even thought about it seriously in nine months. That’s the longest I have ever been able to go without those compulsions and thoughts in……FOURTEEN years!!!!!! Fourteen years!!!!!!! In case you don’t know, I wrote about this in previous blog entries here.   I suffer with clinical depression. I have suffered with mental illness since I was eleven years old and at 21 years old I was hospitalized and was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder with Psychotic Features. I was hospitalized again and participate in psychotherapy and drug therapy.  I struggled for years 
and in 2010 I truly started to get better. Four months is the longest I have ever been able to go without being suicidal since I was 13 years old. And usually not even that long.   Until now.  But now I’m back and better than ever! 😀

I changed my ways. My thinking, my attitude, my life.   And I am going strong. I celebrate living everyday.

I hope everyone will find hope and love even in pain and darkness.

I am ready to start laughing again. To start living again.

Xoxo Kim

P.s. Wondering what lyrics and songs are so hilarious?! Lol!   Check these out!!

“My head hurts , my feet stink” by Jimmy Buffett. Just the song title has me rofl

http://www.lyricsfreak.com/j/jimmy+buffett/my+head+hurts+my+feet+stink+and+i+dont+love+jesus_20267475.html

“Changes In Latitudes, Changes In Attitudes”
Jimmy Buffett
“With these changes in latitudes, changes in attitudes
Nothing remains quite the same
With all of my running, and all of my cunning
If I couldn’t laugh I just would go insane
If we couldn’t laugh we just would go insane
If we weren’t all crazy we would go insane”

http://www.lyricsfreak.com/j/jimmy+buffett/changes+in+latitudes+changes+in+attitudes_20071889.html

“Growing older not up”

“I’m growing older but not up
My metabolic rate is pleasantly stuck
Let those winds of time blow over my head
Id rather die while Im living than live while Im dead”
~ Jimmy Buffett 

http://www.lyricsfreak.com/j/jimmy+buffett/growing+older+but+not+up_20071897.html

“The Asshole song”

“Were you born an asshole 
Or did you work at it your whole life? 
Either way, it worked out fine 
‘Cause you’re an asshole tonight “
~
Jimmy Buffett 

http://www.lyricsfreak.com/j/jimmy+buffett/the+asshole+song_20214732.html

And I hope you find a bit of inspiration in some of these lyrics as well.

Here’s a pic I made using an app, it’s one of those “when you see it” pics. Lol

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