Tag Archive | self love

Mental loop

“I sit at my desk. San Francisco sparkles through the large bedroom windows. A Coca Cola sign blinks off, then rebuilds itself, one letter at a time. I see cars on Market street, red taillights. The famous tower over twin peaks is swallowed up by the night, hidden by fog. A neighbor’s balcony light comes on. Sliding door opens, a woman in shorts and t-shirt steps out, kneels to pick something up, then returns inside. The door shuts. If you were to open up my head at this moment and peer within, you’d find yourself asking with a thick Southern drawl, ‘Does this boy not have an imagination?’ There is only one thought running through my head: I love myself. I love myself. I love myself.”~Kamal Ravikant ❤

Much love & light,

Xoxo Kim

BeYOUtiful♡

“I’m not too short, I’m not too tall, I’m not too big, I’m not too small. Ooh, don’t lemme start lovin’ myself! Ooh, don’t lemme start lovin’ myself! I’m not too white, I’m not too black, I’m not too this, I’m not too that…. I’m beautiful, dammit.”

Check out my under-eye wrinkles. I love to put pretty effects/filters on my pictures to make them look glossy or make the colors pop and things like that. I was going to post this pic on Instagram with inspiring song lyrics (not the ones above) and was looking for a filter to put on the pic, not to cover anything up but just to make it glossier and fix the lighting, things like that.

 I found a filter called “portrait” and love it! It makes the pic look glossy and bright but not overly bright to where it looks washed out or grainy. And then I noticed what that photo effect does to my under-eye wrinkles. It covers them up and makes my skin look almost flawless. My wrinkles don’t show up clearly in every pic but as you can see, they definitely do in this one. 

I wasn’t completely sure what they’re called at first, lines? Wrinkles? Laughlines? So i looked it up on Google. Lol Turns out, they are wrinkles. And every single thing that showed up on Google, that I saw, page after page, after page, is how to get rid of them, conceal them, or lessen them, makeup, medical procedures, home remedies, lifestyle changes….it struck me how much I don’t mind that I have them. In this society (U.S., where I live), we (especially girls/women, it seems), are very much pressured to look certain ways and to look as young as possible, years, even decades younger than we are. We’re not supposed to have wrinkles or gray hair or laugh lines or stretch marks or extra flubber or under eye bags….the list goes on & on & on. 

Seeing all these Google search results with all these women so desperately searching for ways to get rid of & cover up these wrinkles and seeing all these companies desperate to sell their products to help us perfect our skin, I experience deep compassion for all of those girls who obsess and feel so self conscious and like they aren’t enough just how they are. What a blessing it is to not only not mind our wrinkles but to actually find them beautiful. And I do find my under-eye wrinkles incredibly beautiful. And not only mine but beautiful on every face.

They are signs of years of living, years of wisdom, years of laughter, experience, smiles, pain….good & bad, happy & sad…. 

Getting older, aging, old age, middle age, signs of aging….is not something to regret or conceal or fret about. It just is and is a blessing. More years living means more years loving & experiencing.

So here I am sharing my picture with no filter/effect at all, flaunting my wrinkles. In this picture, I have on blue eyeshadow and light bronze eyeliner and that’s it. 

I am sharing this in the hope that anyone feeling low about wrinkles or any signs of aging will be inspired and embrace it instead. I have scars on my right leg (and much lighter ones on the left) on different parts because I was attacked by a dog on a few occasions. My scars are permanent. My skin on my legs used to be flawless. I see so many pictures of girls flaunting their perfect legs and I have no problem with it at all. I’m so happy they love their bodies and want to show them off and I love seeing beautiful women of all sizes, colors, ages, appearances and love celebrating their beauty, both inner & outer beauty, as well as my own.

Sometimes though, I feel a pang, deep inside, a longing, when I see those perfect legs, knowing mine can never again be like that. My scars arent terrible but are very noticeable. I’m not self conscious about them at all but still sometimes wish that I never got them.  Then I see other girls, with way more obvious scars than me, big, beautiful, deep surgical scars, that they share in pictures, along with their stories of perseverance, inner strength, courage and self love and I am inspired. I’m reminded to accept my scars, embrace them, love them. They’re part of me and they tell a story, one of trauma, fear, pain, hope, healing, love. 

So I know that showing off my wrinkles and loving them, can potentially inspire another woman to not feel so low about hers. This isn’t a post against covering up scars, wrinkles….or any blemishes. It’s about accepting and loving who/what we are and loving the body we are blessed with. Nothing wrong with concealing anything. Whatever floats your boat! But some things can’t be concealed or ever go away. So let’s love them. And even if they can be covered up or gotten rid of, love them in the process! It’s beautiful, all the things the body can do, get sick, injured, then heal. Move around, allow us to experience, carry organs, a heart that pumps non stop day & night. Awe-inspiring!

I’m Beautiful (song/youtube)

Much love & light to you, always! And remember to be your own kind of beautiful! ♡ 

Xoxo Kim 

I am… <3


(Not my photo)

Recently I have been seeing blog posts and Instagram posts where people share a photo that says “I am…” then go onto reminding us all how very powerful our thoughts and words are and give examples of positive “I am” statements: I am creative, I am strong, I am intelligent…


(not my photo)

I have known for a long while that thoughts are powerful and that it’s wise to watch how we talk to\about our own selves whether it’s in our head or out loud.

I rarely feel negative or unpleasant emotions or feelings about myself and even more rarely do I speak\think insulting or abusive words about myself. So when I ever do feel or especially think an unpleasant word about myself, I feel the very toxic effect of it instantly. I’m used to only thinking positive and feeling positive things about me. For as long as I can remember, I had positive self esteem in general, often even when I am depressed. 

When I do think or feel unpleasant things about myself, it’s almost always just when I’m depressed and even then I’m careful how I think\speak about myself. When I was young and depressed I often abused myself with words and thoughts but not now. Sometimes still, usually when depressed, I let myself get consumed in feelings of worthlessness and pointlessness. 

Anyway, recently I was reminded how powerful words\thoughts are. I have been sick for a few days. Physically. My sinuses are very sensitive since I was little and I get sinus colds and allergies somewhat frequently, all throughout the year, not as badly as some people but very uncomfortable on some occasions and sometimes really painful. Usually not very bad though. But recently my sinuses have been hurting really badly and then my throat started to become sore. Also, I have been very fatigued. The fatigue has been really getting to me more than the sinus and throat pain. It has been distressing me emotionally. I’m almost never fatigued anymore.

When I do get fatigued for days, I fear that the Sickness has returned. The darkness. Since I was a little girl I struggled with Depression almost constantly for many years until May 2010 when I began to get better and only have recurring severe episodes, not constant depression anymore. There’s something different about constantly or nearly constantly being depressed and just having recurrent episodes. Both suck. But living in near constant darkness is worse than having episodes that come and go. I was depressed and suicidal in different depths and degrees for nearly fourteen years. And depressed even before that but I was too young to be suicidal back then. Very little kids can be suicidal but I wasn’t until I was thirteen years old. But even before that, I would become very depressed every Summer, so depressed I couldn’t get out of bed or off the sofa. My friends would knock for me to go out and play and I could hardly move. My mom would try to get me up but I wouldn’t, couldn’t. There was nothing physically wrong with me, at least not primarily. The fatigue was a result of the depression. This was way before depression became more well known and talked about.

Then my depression, suicidal inclination and contemplation, and fatigue became just the way I generally lived until May 2010 when I decided I can get myself better. I received professional help for years before that but that May in 2010 is the beginning to my true journey to recovery. I may never be fully recovered but I’m much, much better than I was all those years ago. It took so much work, strength, courage…but here I am!

Along with professional help, I practice meditation, appreciative living techniques, and strengthening my natural positive personality to make it more intentional, to counter the depression by being forcefully, ferociously positive. I have always been someone who is naturally optimistic but depression requires work to make that even more conscious and intentional.

So anyway, recently I feared my physical sickness may really be the Sickness. Depression really can feel so physical, like we are dying, not just dying inside, that too, but actually dying. It can feel like a common cold, influenza, just so physical. I have met people who have said depression hurts worse than painful, life threatening physical illnesses they once battled. And we can be depressed and not even realize! After all these years sometimes I still get depressed without realizing right away. Sometimes I think I’m getting a cold and it’s really depression coming on. Some occasions I think I’m just worthless and not depressed when really it’s depression provoking those thoughts. 

I kept thinking “I’m so sick, I’m so weak (physically), ” I am so fatigued!…” and each one of those thoughts, i felt taking even more energy out of me. The fatigue scared me. It was bone deep and so all consuming. I was reaching for a book on my bookshelf thinking “I am so sick” when suddenly I remembered that trend thing I keep seeing around with the “I am…” and how those two words are so powerful so whatever comes after them better be good.

And I thought to myself “I am…strong” “I am resilient” “I am optimistic” “I am beautiful”

And of course I’m still going to be sick and fatigued and whatever else because words and thoughts very likely won’t directly cure something but the point is to shift our focus to what is good, to place our awareness on our positive qualities and situations.


(not my photo)

This isn’t about denying or repressing or ignoring our unfortunate or unpleasant situations. That is unhealthy. But so is dwelling on them, feeding into them with too much of our attention.

Thinking positively generates positive, healing energy. And just makes it easier to cope with unpleasant things. So let’s list some positive “I am…” statements.

I am strong. 

I am powerful.

I am thankful. 

I am beautiful. 

I am wise.

I am creative. 

I am hopeful.

I am resilient. 

I am optimistic. 

I am fierce.

I am empowered. 

I am enough. 

I am confident.

I am compassionate. 

I am warmth.

I am tender.

I am beauty.

I am Light. 

I am sacred.

I am Love. 

😀 ❤

Luckily I am not depressed, it’s just a yucky cold. It’s not even a really bad cold, just unpleasant. But this cold gave me the opportunity to put positive thinking into practice and see incredible instant results and be reminded of a life lesson. And I want to share in hopes that it may inspire someone else. I am so thankful for all the people who have been posting the “I am…” things. We may not always realize just how deeply our posts on social media can touch others. Let’s keep sharing that positivity! 

Much love & light to you, always! 

😍 ❤ 😀

xoxo Kim ❤

Be.YOU.tiful ❤

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This is me today at work! ❤

And here is a quote I saw recently:

It’s okay to be who you are. If you’re nervous, be nervous. If you’re shy, be shy.” 💜

I love how this quote encourages us to be just us. It’s a good thing to change what we want if we truly want to change it. But it’s also great to just accept our own self just the way we are. Some things can’t be changed and some we may think we want to change or think we don’t like but it’s really someone else’s opinion or the opinion of the society in which we live, influencing us to change, to “fix,” to make better.

Let’s stop and think. Do we truly want to change whatever it is because we our self wish to change it or is the view of others getting to us?

If it’s the views of others, let’s consider not changing just for that. And if we truly want to lose the weight, get the surgery, makeover, dye our hair..we can still love our own self while changing it. Our beauty and value are not dependent upon anyone else.

My sister loves to cut, style, and dye her hair. It’s just how her personality is. She gets many compliments on her style and boldness, shaving half her head and having the other half blue or some other dyed color. On so many occasions, strangers and people we know, come up to compliment her and then ask me, “So when are you going to cut\dye your hair?” 

I don’t cut or dye my hair and have never dyed it and am not going to. Five years ago I got my first haircut in seventeen years! It was cut in layers and still fairly long. Now, five years later and I haven’t got it cut since then other than trimming it now and again. It’s long enough for me to sit on. My dogs and people sit on it and pull it by accident! It annoys me but I love my hair!

Also, I am very shy and always have been. When I just meet someone or don’t see someone often, I am usually not talkative. It’s not fear or anxiety or introversion. I love meeting and being around people and am calm in social settings and am extroverted, just a shy extrovert. 😀

I have frequently been told to start getting loud and outgoing. It’s not my choice to feel shy; I just am. I don’t have a problem with it and don’t wish to change it. Being loud and outgoing, frequently changing hairstyles is all great. It’s just not for me.

Also, I LOVE Oldies music and people think it’s weird and I used to be embarrassed about it but now I embrace my love for old music.

And I don’t watch TV but love to read. This is embarrassing sometimes but I never try to conceal it.

I dont drink alcoholic drinks and never had more than a few sips in all of my days. It’s embarrassing but alcohol just does not appeal to me in any way and never has. It’s just not my cup of tea(except to take pictures of!).

  I don’t want kids and never have.  I love kids and want to work with extra needs children. But being a mom isn’t the life I want for me. Not for any specific reason though; I just have no desire to have kids. I used to lie years ago and tell people I do want kids so people wouldn’t think I’m a bitter old witch who doesn’t like kids. Now I embrace me for all that I am. I would love my kids if I had kids; that’s just not the life I choose.   

If you love to loosen up with a glass of wine or shot of whisky, embrace who you are! If you’re like me and hardly ever had more than a sip, embrace that too!

Shy or ououtgoing , love and accept who you are.

Bookworm? Embrace it!

Watch TV all day? 

That’s OK if it’s what we truly want!

Stay at home parent, working parent, not a parent, don’t want to be, can’t be… Whatever…love yourself. 💜

As long as we aren’t hurting others or directly interfering, let’s embrace and love it. ❤💜💚💙💛😍😀

And if it is interfering with someone, we can always change for the better.

Live with it & love it. 💙

But let’s remember not to be stuck up and sanctimonious about it(unless we really want to be, lol)! We don’t have to negatively judge others for lifestyles we would never choose or for loving stuff we don’t love or not loving stuff we love. Let’s celebrate our oneness, our similarities, and our diversity. ❤💞

Much love & light,

Xoxo Kim

Know our worth

(Not my photo!)

This is a fantastic reminder to not see ourselves through the eyes of those who do not think much of us whether they outright mistreat us or just pay us no mind.

There have been occasions I liked/wanted to be friends with someone who had no interest in me at all and occasions people tried to degrade me and I began to see myself through their eyes and assumed everyone must think of me how they do or that it must be true, I must be worthless. I don’t have a habit of doing this but there have been occasions it occurred.

It’s not just an adolescent thing either. Even adults can be deeply troubled by how others view them or how we think they do.

Not everyone is going to like everyone and there’s nothing wrong with that. We don’t all have to be close friends or acquaintances but it’s important to remember that the low opinions of others or the apathy have nothing to do with us.

All that matters is our own opinion of ourselves and if it’s low we can fix it. Focus on our good qualities and self growth and treat our own selves how we would treat a good friend.

And always try to build each other up, not drag anyone down. 

Also, thank you to everyone who wrote me comments recently!! I greatly appreciate it and will respond soon! 

😀

Much love & light,

Xoxo Kim

Help Me to Heal {a healing activity}

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“Breathe it out and breathe it in
Trust the light that shines within
Let it burn ’til you learn to love yourself
Breathe it out and breathe it in
Trust the light that shines within
Let it burn ’til you learn to love yourself
Love will lead you home…
Love will lead you home…
Love will lead you home…” ~ Olivia Newton John ❤

A few years ago I came across a blog, I don’t remember the blog now but wish I had the link still or remember the name. It’s an art journaling blog on blogger.com, I think, and the lady suggested an activity to help heal any emotional pain we may have about certain incidents or situations in life.

I may have shared it before on here but I don’t remember. 

If so, it’s ok, it won’t hurt to share it again! 

The activity is to take an index card and a pencil and very lightly, in almost imperceptible strokes of the pencil, write on the index card every painful emotion we have surrounding whatever incident or struggle we choose. Make sure the words are incredibly light, almost unseen. Or write the words regularly then lightly erase them but still leave a vestige of what was. This, I suspect, is to symbolically lessen their power over us. So we are no longer gripped in their bondage. 

The event or situation can be anything at all that hurts us, for example a painful breakup, the loss of a friend or family member, pet to death or any other way, a family member or friend diagnosed with a serious illness, being rejected in some way, losing a job, the loss of an important material object (house, car, jewelry, money…), chronic pain or illness, sexual assault, abuse, addiction, feeling abandoned or excluded….. anything that hurts.

After filling the entire index card up with words to describe our pain, words like: pain, rejection, lost, lonely, empty, grief, despair, torture, fear, embarrassed, devastated, angry, furious, broken, confused, numb, guilt, betrayed, envy,jealous, sorry, regret, doubt, heartbreak…..

We then take a marker of any color, especially a bold color, and write over the light penciled words in bold words, positive words like: love, healing, compassion, self-love, inspiration, wisdom, life, joy, happiness, laughter, light, optimistic, positive, balance, full, pleasure, fulfilled, Metta, gratitude, oneness, empathy, understanding, caring, beauty, perseverance, overcoming, stillness, serenity, peace, calm, tranquil, recovery, vitality, spark, acceptance, hope,longevity….

I’m guessing this activity is symbolic of positive energy and emotions overpowering the unpleasant ones. The light penciled words have no power over us if we do not allow them. And if we choose and work on it, we can let the bold, happy words take over. The light words are still there. Here. They still exist, the scars still exist. But they are now dormant or powerless or just not the main thing we experience any longer, not the noxious energy they once were. 

Here is a fake one I made just for this post:

Unpleasant emotions/thoughts:

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(I made the words dark enough to see on here)

Empowering words/emotions/thoughts:

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“The answer is sleeping
Inside your heart
True love that you long for
That’s where it starts” ~ Olivia Newton John ❤

The situation I chose for this activity a few years ago is a form of rejection I once experienced. I allowed this experience to get to me much, much longer than is necessary. Well over a year after this experience, I was still shattered, devastated beyond words with no sign of it getting better. Some moments were worse than others. Some moments/days I finally felt like it would be ok but then I would crash back into the seemingly unbearable pain of it, feeling like I couldn't possibly go on. 

It wasn't depression but every now and then it would trigger a months/weeks long episode of depression and deep despair and even severe headaches, which became more frequent after this experience and lessened after I felt healed to a certain degree. Then when the depression would lift or the headache would ease, the severe pain of this situation would still linger, breaking me, bringing me to ruin. 

Rejection, loss, unrequited love, broken friendships/relationships,….are part of living and it's ok to experience them and for them to really affect us in deep and painful ways but they should never take over so much of life to where that's the main thing we dwell on each day and allow it to ruin our days or whole life. I let it ruin me. It's best if the pain of these situations begins to heal to a certain extent after a while. The pain does not have to be the thing that generally or frequently dominates. 

I was so pleasantly surprised at how much this activity really did heal me. I usually don't say things like something healed me or made me do something or caused something, because really, things usually help, provoke, and contribute to things, not actually cause it or make it happen. Things help me to heal. They don't usually heal me just themselves. 

But I feel this activity really healed me. Not completely. This is a scar I will always have and that's a good thing! It's good to be affected by all of life in both painful and joyous ways.

It's great to be touched in both pleasant and painful ways, by people and situations. 

It's better than being dead or numb or indifferent.

"There's nothing more whole than my broken heart." ~ Hasidic saying

But this activity really helped me heal the worst of the pain. It helped me release painful emotions themselves and the pain of how I viewed certain things. It helped me let go and liberate myself so I am no longer ruled by the situation. 

I was expecting it to maybe help a little bit, even if only during the moments I was engaging in it. But even after it was over, I immediately sensed a change deep within. I felt something release and shift and while I still carry that pain, that scar, that sliver of an ache, it's usually not the red, flaming hot agony it once was that felt like it was scorching the very soul of me.

"I know I'll find the strength to fight
If I can trust I'm gonna be alright
So walk me through my darkest fears tonight
Help me to heal
Help me to feel
All I know is what I see
So won't you help me to believe
Help me to heal" ~ Olivia Newton John

Help Me to Heal – mobile

Help Me to Heal – desktop

I only ever did this activity once and I lost the card but I have it somewhere. I read a book recently about how to cleanse our energy or aura and in the book is an amazing list of healing activities I’m going to try. This one is not in the book but the book reminds me of this one. It’s a fantastic cleansing experience. 

This activity can be performed for any problem whether it’s seemingly trivial or feels like it’s the end of the world.

I’m going to try it again for other struggles. 

I strongly recommend this activity. It’s not a cure and there’s no doubt in my mind that not everyone will be as helped by it as I am.
It’s likely not for everyone. Even if it doesn’t have long lasting effects like it does for me, just the act of engaging in it can be very healing. 

We can also color it with soothing colors, draw on it, anything creative to add to it. We can put our own spin on it.

It’s a very simple, very brief, but very profound method of healing.

I hope you find it healing like I do if you want to try it!

Learn to Love Yourself – mobile – Olivia Newton John

Learn to Love Yourself – mobile

Much love & light to you, always! 

😀

Xoxo Kim  ❤

Bloom. <3

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“A flower does not think of competing with the flower next to it….it just blooms.”

We all have a unique combination of things, gifts, experiences, abilities, goals, ways of doing things, loves, likes, dislikes, physical attributes, personality traits, mistakes, flaws, perfections, accomplishments, beauty, ugliness, wonder, brain/body chemistry, dna, memories….

It doesn’t make sense to try to have competitions with others and compare ourselves in negative ways. 

We all have our own histories, our own pace, our own ways…

Let’s bloom where we’re planted, work with and appreciate what we have and where we are, focus on our own life and context.

“Everyone is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.”

Forget what others are doing and wanting and what everyone else has and focus on our own aspirations and desires. There’s always going to be someone with more and with less, with more developed abilities, more accomplishments, more money, and those with less.

There’s always going to be someone who seems to have it all or seems to have accomplished things more quickly. 

But we each have our own pace and situations.

“If one is a greyhound, why try to look like a Pekingese?”

This is a beautiful reminder to blossom as our own self, just the way we are. The one next to us may have much more but it doesn’t make us inferior. We all are very similar in some ways and different in other ways. 

But no one can take the place of another. ❤

So let's just be us and bloom where we are while loving each other and encouraging others to do the same.

Much love & light, always! ❤

😀

Xoxo Kim 

25 fun facts about me

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25 fun (at least I hope?) facts about me!

I’m feeling a bit vain today. Lol 😀

I will try to mostly list facts I haven’t mentioned here much before.

1.) I always want to hug people who are crying, hurt, or sick. Even fictional characters in books & movies. I have no maternal impulses but I’m very nurturing. I’m not a sympathetic crier. Seeing someone cry won’t make me want to cry but I will want to take the person in my arms and provide as much comfort as I can.

2.) I like loud people who talk & curse a lot. ❤ lol I always have. I’m quiet and gentle and it’s a sweet contrast.

3.) When I was a little girl I always wanted big boobs. Lol I used to do exercises a girl in class with me said can make them bigger. I was jealous when other girls already had boobs. In high school, my first year, I met a couple girls and was having lunch with them and they were talking about boobs and the one girl said “poor Kim, she only has A cups” and the other girl said “yeah that’s too bad.” They weren’t being bratty, they truly felt sorry for me. Lol Then in 12th grade I was sitting in the front of class and I heard a girl in the back say to another “Kim must have gotten breast implants ” and the other girl said “I know! She used to have no boobs now she got the biggest knockers in class!”

Lmao! Guess my wish came true!

4.) I love sour gummi worms! MmmMmm

5.) I was always naturally very thin since I was a little girl, especially as a teenager and younger. No matter how much I consume, I stay thin. This is how my dad is too. I wasn’t underweight or malnourished but it was possible to see my ribs and hipbones.

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But when I turned 25 years old, I put on a lot more weight. I only took size 3-5 pants but soon after turning 25 years old I took size 12.
I was very disappointed. I did not like having to buy new clothes because I put on weight
and physically, I felt very different. I was so used to being/feeling thin and it felt so different. I couldn’t feel my hipbones as much when I put my hand to my hips. It felt very strange.
I have mostly always loved my beautiful body (except sometimes when I was 16 years old & depressed). I never struggled with true body images issues. Just as a secondary thing because of my struggle with depression, when I was a young girl.

One night as I was sulking about the weight, I stood in front of a mirror and was amazed at how beautiful I still found myself.
I realized even more how deep and unconditional my love for my body is.
I still did not like it being disproportionate and not fitting into my old clothes but I still felt nothing but love for it. Not only did I still love it for what it does for me, keeps me alive and let’s me experience but I still found it physically beautiful. I love this experience because it confirmed for me even more that my love is unconditional.
After about a year I went back to being thin but I did nothing to contribute to that intentionally. I still consumed whatever I wanted and all, did no special exercises for weight loss, but after a year, I lost all the weight and fit in my old clothes. And I never put on weight like that again.

Here are some pics of me when I put on the weight.

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As you can probably tell, I was still very confident.

And here is me now/recently:

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(told you I’m feeling the vanity today but it’s ok because you love me, right?! ;-D)

I am beautiful now and was back then as well(makeup is absolutely TERRIBLE though). Now when I look at those old pics of me 5 years ago, I see myself as stunning. I had some dangerous curves! lol I love those curves and that ass. Lol ;-D

We are beautiful no matter our size. Thin girl bashing is just as bad and can be just as damaging as overweight girl bashing.

Real women have curves? Please….
A real woman is a person with the gender identity of a woman. Nothing to do with size or physique.

Also the “girl with no curves is like jeans with no pockets, a man won’t know where to put his hands…” thing is really dumb. If a man doesn’t know where to put his hands on my body, he’s the one with the problem, not me.

Curves have to do with physique anyway, not size. We can be thin with curves and not thin with no curves. I still have curves.

6.) I’m not romantically/sexually attracted to women(or men, actually lol) but I think women are more pleasing to look at than men. Lol ❤

Whatever your gender, gender identity, sexual orientation…

Tell me this

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(you’re welcome! lol)
(not my picture)

Isn’t more appealing than this!

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(you’re welcome! ;-D )
(not my pic!)

Lol

But they’re both incredible looking!

And this!

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(not my pic!)

I love this photo! My dad watches the Sopranos on HBO like every night. That man on the right is a murderer (in the mafia) and the girl on the left is his psychiatrist, Dr. Melfi. They’re both really good looking. He is truly sexy. But I prefer to look at her. She’s even sexier. She’s beautiful. (inside & out) Drop-dead gorgeous.

I wouldn’t mind having depression if I got to stare at and listen to her for 50 minutes each week! Lol ;-D I love their accent, especially how she says words with an “R” in it like “cheers,” “horror,” “for”….it’s adorable!

Her name is Dr. Melfi in the TV show but many refer to her online as Dr. Milfi because she’s sexy as hell. Lol (Milf) She’s so compassionate and soothing. I love her. ❤

You can listen to/watch them talk in this brief therapy scene:

mobile:

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=OrPIO53cWMY

desktop:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?app=desktop&persist_app=1&v=OrPIO53cWMY

“Even the handsomest men do not have the same momentary effect on the world as a truly beautiful woman does.”

Our professor in college for a clinical psychology class, a clinical psychologist herself, brought in a couple episodes of this tv show for us to watch. This man, Tony, has depression and panic attacks. He’s big and strong and very powerful but still struggles with mental illness and he is embarrassed about it. Our professor wanted to show us that anyone can have a mental illness and it’s not something to be embarrassed about. I found it comforting back then because I was embarrassed about my condition.

7.) I’m single and don’t have a problem with it. I don’t need a romantic relationship to be happy. I always say if I soon find a man who falls head over heels in love with me a nd I fall head over heels in love with him, that’s amazing! But if not, that’s amazing too! I’m not into casual dating at all like when I was in college. I have to see potential for something more or its not happening! Lol 😉 (p.s Im actually not into dating at all or romantic relationships and never have been but especially not dates where there’s no substance or connection – if i was going to go on a date though, there would have to be potential for some connection even if just for that one date – and in college, I only rarely went on “dates” and just for the social aspect – I was lonely and had no true friends so would sometimes agree to a “date” or exchanging phone numbers hoping we would end up as platonic friends or he would introduce me to people n get new friends that way but i stopped doing that since our intentions were different – people ask me a lot about my intentions for dating/marriage so i included this)

8.) In high school one day I was cutting class with another girl and we got caught by a police officer who was a few steps in front of us. He very seriously and gloomily called us over and I remember thinking oh shit and my friend started walking over to him but I was getting ready to run. I looked in back of me to see if I had a chance and was going to take her arm and drag her with me and he said “don’t even think about it!” They must be really great at sensing or reading stuff like that! :-O
So I gave in and very reluctantly walked over to him with my friend. He said “You girls cutting school?” and we both looked down and shook our heads yes. He opened the door to his police car and said alright I’m taking you in. Then he burst out laughing and said just kidding get the hell outta here before someone else catches you!

We laughed and ran away completely relieved! I still smile when I remember that!

9.) When I was a little girl I broke into a factory with my friend, that was being remodeled and we stole some tools and walked around the neighborhood selling them for one dollar for each tool! We told everyone that our dads gave us their old tools. We even sold some to my dad and said they were her dad’s and sold some to her dad saying they were my dad’s old tools.

We later felt so guilty! Especially lying to our dads like that. But all the candy and chips and juicies we bought with the money really cheered us up!

10.) I’m embarrassed by my middle name and always have been. I used to tell people I don’t have one. My sister has the same one as me. I thought it would be cute for us to have the same one. She’s over ten years younger. But I just about die whenever someone asks me what it is.

11.) I am 5 feet and 5 inches tall and used to wish I was taller. I love when I wear six inch heels and feel so taller than everyone else!

12.) For as long as I can remember, I never had “current” interests in like music, singers, clothes….once I’m loving or into something, it usually stays that way. My favorite songs now are the same ones that were when I was little with more added. My tastes stay the same. And I like it that way.

13.) When I was in middle school, I saw a recipe to make peanut butter cups and wrote it down and made them all by myself! I was so proud! I am not one to bake or cook and have no real skills for anything so it was so pleasing to do that all by myself! They were delicious and I ate them all by myself too. 😀

14.) Weekdays have my heart more than weekends. Much more. Just the feel of a week/work day. It’s like magic. ❤

15.) I don’t need coffee. And I don’t drink it everyday. I go days without it.

16.) I love cranberry juice. Yum!

17.) I am extremely patient and am frequently told at work how wonderfully patient I am with people. Aww ❤ I just love people.

18.) It’s sweet to live in a place where we are blessed with the diversity of all four lovely seasons. I love all four. My favorite is Winter & my least favorite is Summer. 😀 I love talking/writing/reading about the weather. To me, it’s inspiring, not merely a “safe” or boring topic just to discuss to have something to say. The seasons deeply inspire me.

19.) the only social media accounts I have are this, Facebook, listography, and photobucket. My sister set up all kinds of other ones for me like Twitter, tumblr..
Whatever else but I can’t get into that.

20.) I have mostly always loved being me. At every age I have ever been. Every stage of life. Even with depression, I couldn’t want to be anyone else.

21.) Thinking much about my ancestry isn’t something I do other than the fact that it’s amazing how ancient people all came together to lead to me. Think about how if one little thing was different, if one person hooked up with someone else instead of another, you, me…wouldn’t be here! What are the chances?! So slim! We could have been someone else! I almost want to cry it’s so beautiful & rare just to be us!!! But I don’t think of myself as anything other than American. I grew up here, my culture contributes so much to what I am, not my ancestry as much. People ask me if I’m Irish because of my last name (my last name is but I am not) but I’m not, I’m just American. If I grew up in Ireland I would be but I grew up right here, never set foot in Ireland.

22.) I don’t take it hard when people lie to me. I’m not that special that if you lie to me it’s the most Earth shattering thing. So many people say they “hate” liars and take being lied to very personally but not me. It’s nothing personal. If they’re lying to you or to me, they very likely lie to others. It’s not like I never told a lie before. And not like I won’t tell a lie again. I’m generally very truthful and open and don’t lie for thrills but come on, who seriously doesn’t ever lie? Are you telling me in all of your days you never do anything and never have done anything but tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth? Come on man, get real.

23.) When I was a teenager one year(actually it was a couple years but I did not hang out with them as much after the first year we met), I had a group of friends who were into alcohol and other drugs and sometimes we would all hang out together in some of their houses with no adults around. Sometimes they tried to give me alcohol or other drugs but I always resisted and was never tempted. Now when I think of it, it’s really amazing how a teenager had that kind of steely resolve to never once collapse into that peer pressure, especially a lonely depressed, suicidal teenager who longed for the love of deep friendship. I knew it’s not for me and did not give in to something just because others wanted me to. I’m not even bragging(i’m actually embarrassed to admit I never experimented with alcohol/cigarettes/other drugs) . Lol I’m just kind of in awe.

24.) In college, I took psychology & philosophy. I took psychology for practical purposes and philosophy just for sheer interest. I always wanted a job helping people and heard that things like social work and psychology are good to take for jobs helping others. So I chose psychology. People always said I would have to be a doctor and that there’s no other jobs for psych. Students if we don’t get a medical degree or phd. I was not very informed back then and just agreed and said “ok I’ll get one of those degrees!” lol without even knowing exactly what they are. I later realized that’s not for me and there’s various jobs we can have with an education in psychology. I never did anything with the degree. I work at a store. Lol

25.) I was never the stereotypical psych. Student. I did not ever try to “diagnose” everyone I encounter or myself. I never felt like I have every disease we learned about in psych. Classes and I am nowhere close to being qualified to diagnose people. I don’t feel that I can get in people’s heads and I really do not want to. I don’t over analyze real life situations or people. I save that for when I’m reading fiction. Lol Sometimes things really are just what they seem and don’t need interpretation or analysis. People often assume when I tell them I went to school for psych. That I can or am trying to get in their heads. The comments I get by strangers when I tell them are a turn off! Lol I don’t like telling people that I took psychology too much. It doesn’t mean I’m super intelligent or can get in your head!

😀

So hopefully you find these facts interesting? If not, oh well, it was still fun writing them!

😀

~Hugs~ ❤

Much0 love,

xoxo Kim

Ugly-Beautiful 2

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I keep posting here about the one word challenge for the new year. My word is Beauty. I have a post about the challenge and my views about it saved in my drafts and will post it soon. My word for 2016, beauty,reminds me of a post I wrote a while ago about a beautiful novel I read called My Grandfather’s Eyes.

 I wrote about it here before I read the ending when I still wasn’t sure what the novel is actually about. When I warned people that there may be violent sexual/abuse scenes in it and unnecessary violence. I read a book review that says that and couldn’t remember if the review is for “My Grandfather’s Eyes” or some other book. It is for another. “My Grandfather’s Eyes” has no such scene. No sexual or any kind of “unnecessary” violence. Just pure beauty.

And I recommend it. 

There’s another fiction book I read called, Alex, about a little boy who was kidnapped and murdered. It’s a good book with some slight supernatural overtones, I guess you can say. This one does have horrific sexual and other violence in it. The dad has visions after his son is found dead and sees the violence that was done to him. I don’t judge authors or artists who portray violence in their work. It doesn’t necessarily mean they support it. Many creators like to create things that provoke strong emotion whether pleasant or unpleasant. It brings their work to life and helps deepen our empathy and stir things within us. For the most part, even if it seems so, I don’t think anything in a work of art is “unnecessary.” Even if it seems the work can do without, for some reason the author wants it there so it does have purpose to that person. And it will resonate with some and not others. There is beauty in that.

 But most of that book is not violent scenes, just the dad not knowing if he’s mentally ill or actually being haunted by his dead son. It is very interesting.  The main character in My Grandfather’s Eyes, the woman telling her story, is named Alex as is the little boy in the fiction book, Alex. So I got the two confused. 

Anyway about “My Grandfather’s Eyes.”

My heroine, Alex, who is the narrator, is a woman who is about 32 years old and she’s kind of a sociopath, like really. She sort of has no conscience and attempts to kill her sincerely loving husband(i won’t give any spoilers and tell you if she succeeds or not, that’s for you to find out. Lol –  {he does die though}  But just know, she attempts to kill an innocent man just to be rid of him and yes, I called her my heroine!) just to get rid of him and get his stuff and live with her best girl, Liz. but she is very beautiful to me anyway. She was always in love with her best friend Lizzy but Lizzy is a straight girl and she’s married with children.  Alex has no kids and doesn’t want any. 

At first when I was confused about the other fiction book and thought this may be the one with the sexual violence, I wasn’t going to read this but the description of the beautiful love Alex has for Liz, is what inspired me to take the chance and read and I’m so happy I took that chance. Later I read the book, Alex, not realizing that’s the one with the horrific violence but I’m happy I read that too.   

Alex is arrogant, doesn’t give two shits what anyone (except Lizzy) thinks of her. Other than herself, the only two people Alex ever really loved are Lizzy and Alex’s grandfather. She is arrogant but also truly loves herself for how she genuinely is, both physically and her intriguing mind. She has big, dark moles on her face which she loves because they are part of who she is, and since she was little, refused to get removed when she had the chance. They grow bigger and darker. People stare. She doesn’t like it much but loves herself too much to care too much. As a child it hurt her deeply to be the target of cold stares and cruel words. But she still loves herself. She thinks she’s a beautiful woman. 

Here is what she says: 

“My moles continue to grow and darken. I take less care to hide the bump on my head, and I wonder whether my deformities will eventually take me over. I am impatient with them, wishing they would stabilize. I think I notice people staring more, and imagine they are whispering to each other but I decide that I will not try to hide myself away. It will be easier if the people who are alienated by such things have the chance to avoid me, and I reason that those who are indifferent to them will not care.” ~ Alex

And here is what I wrote one day in June (not the most recent one but the one before, if I remember correctly) about this excerpt:

I love this and completely agree. I would never want friends or people who like me only because they don’t know something about me that if they found out later they would reject me for it, whatever it may be. We don’t have to like everything about a person we like but we can accept, tolerate, or overlook it and love the person as a whole. I don’t necessarily want someone to like every single thing about me, like all of my opinions or anything, and I won’t conceal something just to have them like me or not reject me. It’s like an asshole repellent,if you show your ugliness or controversial views or something right off, you weed out the assholes and the true ones are still standing by your side. Or if you’re the asshole and people are going to reject you for it then they can back off and the ones who don’t mind asshole-ness will still be there. 
I don’t always like people’s opinions but I often appreciate the courage it takes them to stand up for whatever it is and the passion that drives them.

I am what I am whether I conceal it or not and whether someone likes it or not. So why deny or repress it? Instead I will give people the chance to know me and embrace me or know me and reject me.

I still agree with what I wrote. There are some things we may want to wait before revealing until someone gets to know us better. But for the most part, I believe it’s best to let our true selves loose and shine. If they love us, that’s amazing! If they reject us, oh well, we can love them and move forward. ❤

I love Alex's sense of beauty. It's kind of dark and unusual. 

“…the Gothic Hall complete with turrets and gargoyles – where I will study English Literature. It is ugly-beautiful and will suit me very well. A fitting place in which to study the works of great authors. I feel the hairs bristle on the back of my neck with the excitement it generates in me.” ~ Alex 

Here's the link to my original post about this:

https://inspirationalgem.wordpress.com/2014/06/25/ugly-beautiful/

"My Grandfather's Eyes"

😀

This is one of my favorite books ever! It is beautiful, unusual, fascinating, thought-provoking, and deeply inspiring!

After reading the whole book I love her more now than ever. I found beauty in her at first but also felt repulsed by her for her complete lack of empathy and compassion for others, not just that but her coldness, almost cruelty, towards people to the point of almost being a psycho. But I gave her a chance and fell in love with her. I wasn't going to read the book at first but then I did and am so thankful! ❤ This can apply to real life, we may have certain traits we adore in others and then meet people who lack those traits or have traits we strongly dislike in others and meet someone who possesses them, and think we don't like the person but it turns out that person is STILL somehow beautiful to us and catches our heart. We may just fall head over heels in love (either platonic or romantically) with someone we never would expect. I decided to buy the Kindle book merely because I love the powerful love she has for her best friend, which turns to unrequited romantic love. But doesn't destroy their friendship and the platonic love Liz has for Alex. Then I read it and love the entire book! She also has powerful love for herself. 

“In the mirror, I see a woman sitting bolt upright in her chair, with her handbag on her lap. She has long mousy hair, parted in the middle, her scalp white in the harsh fluorescent light. There is a large, dark mass spreading across the side of her face. I think her elegantly middle-aged, sensuously beautiful. I cannot identify with her. I see her smile, first with her eyes, which remain young, and then with the whole of her face. We fuse together, and I feel an energy building inside me, so that my reflection seems to disturb the air in the room, like a breeze across the surface of a lake.  It is a lake I have visited many times in my dreams. We are luminous and powerful.”

This scene is breathtaking. A woman who looks into a mirror and sees a woman who is incredibly beautiful in every way, scars, "flaws," and all.  And that woman is herself. I love how she dissociates and sees her own self without negative judgment, sees herself in perfect beauty, as if she's looking at another woman, then fuses with the woman in the mirror as they become whole, one. 

This is one of the most beautiful scenes I ever read in a book.

We often look at others without judgment in a negative way and see their beauty but hold ourselves to greater standards and criticize our own self in a destructive way. Imagine seeing yourself with loving eyes and a self compassionate  mind.  

How beautiful it is to be in love with our own self.  

I love how she refuses to cover up what many see as ugly. Not only does she not think her deformity is ugly, she thinks it's quite beautiful. She loves it because it is part of herself. 

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(meeee <3)

One reason I felt drawn to her right away, along with the fact that she has her grandfather’s eyes, is I have a facial dysfunction, though it cannot be seen. I mentioned here before that people with visible facial deformities or disfigurements, birthmarks, or scars probably would not agree with me since mine cannot be seen by others, only felt by me, but I often feel an especially  strong relation or connection to people with facial/head conditions whether visible or not, because I have one so bad. 

Alex speaks of "a large, dark mass spreading across the side of her face"  and wondering  "whether my deformities will eventually take me over." I feel this same way on different occasions. I cannot see that large, dark mass spreading across the side of my face. But I sure feel it. And so many moments, especially late into night, I wondered in fear and incredible loneliness whether it will eventually take me over. Hers isn't physically painful like mine but she has to endure the pain of society's cold, sometimes cruel reactions. 

Her self love inspires me to remember to love the parts of me that hurt. They are a part of me.
She inspires me to see beauty even in my agony.

My pain flares up to unbearable levels and feels so ugly. But I see beauty in my whole situation.

Sometimes I wonder what Alex would think of me if she were a real person or if I was a character in her book.  

I imagine we would get along well. And we both love to read! She attended college for English Literature. 

I love Alex and love how she loves herself. 

Give her a chance! Maybe you'll love her too! ❤

Love & light,

xoxo

Kim