Tag Archive | songs

Oh, Soul

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“Oh soul,
you worry too much.
You have seen your own strength.
You have seen your own beauty.
You have seen your golden wings.
Of anything less,
why do you worry?
You are in truth
the soul, of the soul, of the soul.”
~Rumi ❤

I have been struggling with a severe episode of depression. The darkness has descended on me again and has felt unbearable. It started a few weeks ago but is worse now. I have recurrent episodes. This one started out gradually getting worse now seems like it may be ending. The most severe ones I have usually begin & end slowly with the worst of it in the middle. This is one of the worst ones. It's one of the ones where I can hardly feel any sense of pleasure in anything. Everything is dull, worn out. Music has no sound. Food has no flavor. My memory is just about non existent (except for all the bad things that ever happened to me…in this way it's perfect!) I can still find things amusing but not to the depth I usually do. It's hard to explain but with severe depression it's like everything is covered in plastic like that kind that food gets wrapped in and sometimes we can smell the food through the wrapper but it's dull because the plastic blocks out most of the scent. Or like a common cold when we lose most of our sense of taste but maybe catch a hint of it.
This is what severe depression is often like for me.
Even with it, I can often still laugh, even belly laughs sometimes. But there's something "dull" about it and it's not the same full laughs usually as I have when I'm not depressed. 
Even with severe depression, I can sometimes truly laugh and smile. Just because we're depressed or kill ourselves or try, doesn't mean all our smiles & laughing is/was fake or to cover up the pain. We are still us. Depression can't take away all that I am even when it seems to.

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I learned how to handle them better than I used to and I'm not constantly depressed anymore but it's very bad now. Some moments are ok then other moments I'm sure I'm going to kill myself and have a plan and all. I'm afraid to try it in case it doesn't work and triggers my physical pain disorder to flare up. That's all I need, right?! I don't want to do a half-assed job and mess things up even worse. But I keep holding on waiting for it to get better, waiting for it to end, either my life or the depression. Some moments I don't want it to get better, I just want it all to end, good, bad, everything. And I keep doing things to help myself like positive things and interesting things to distract my mind. It helps a little bit but it's hard to find the desire or motivation to do anything. But I force myself. My whole body feels heavy like something crushing me and my head feels so heavy. This episode is not triggered by anything specifically. It's not triggered by the holidays or anything. I love the holidays! And they cheer me up a little bit. It's just a deep, deep despair about nothing and everything.  A wretched kind of agony some occasions and almost numb other occasions. Nothing in my external environment has changed but inside my head is Hell. I can't wait for it to end. 

But today is much, much better than yesterday! So much better! I listened to some uplifting songs that helped a lot. Depression is biochemical as well as psychological and with practice and positive habits, we can learn to help ourselves and cope well. Not all depressed people can just listen to a happy song and be cheered up and I can't always do that. And not all depressed people can just think positively and be better but with practice, it's possible we can learn to handle it better with positive techniques like happy playlists and meditation.
I think gratitude and meditation can affect brain chemistry. It's not just things we put into our body that affect its chemistry but things we think and do. 

This quote I find so beautiful and reminds me that if we once felt something, we can feel it again no matter how long it has been or how deep our sorrow or despair is now. My cover photo on Facebook says "Life is beautiful" and I have a bracelet that says it as well. Whenever I'm in despair and see my bracelet or cover photo I am reminded that I once felt that life is beautiful and can feel that way again. 

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“Oh soul,
you worry too much.
You have seen your own strength.
You have seen your own beauty.
You have seen your golden wings.
Of anything less,
why do you worry?
You are in truth
the soul, of the soul, of the soul.”
~Rumi ❤

I have seen & felt my own strength, my own beauty, my golden wings so I know they are here with me and I will see them again. Even if now all I see is ugliness and weakness and all I feel are broken wings, I know some sort of strength dwells beneath the weakness and through my ugliness are glimpses of deep beauty within, and even with broken wings I will learn to fly again. 

This quote has managed to inspire me in some deep way even in the midst of this seemingly impenetrable depression. 

I want to share it here, not only because it helps me to write and share but more because it has the potential to touch someone else who may see it some day, now or later. 

Also I want to share two songs I find so uplifting. They really impact my mood for the better. 

Eye of the Tiger – Survivor- mobile

Eye of the Tiger – desktop

This song will get you pumped! If not the message, definitely the music! But I feel that it’s the perfect music for the perfect message. Some years ago, my friend at work died and I was inconsolable. This is one of the songs that helped me cope with my devastating loss. And it helps me with my devastating episodes of depression and headaches. I hope it inspires you too! 😀

Living Colour – Glamour Boys – mobile

Living Colour – Glamour Boys – desktop

This song, I shared on Facebook recently. It’s a mixture of funny, uplifting, & inspiring. The music is upbeat and also the lyrics and video are funny. There is some wisdom to the way those glamour boys live! Not thinking about tomorrow, always laughing, always dancing….lol! They sure know how to have fun! ;-D

Depression really sucks but I feel I may be winning this battle.

So, I hope you are having a beautiful day or night wherever you are and hope you’re not struggling like me but if you are, whether it’s depression, something not so severe or something even worse, remember your beauty, your strength, your golden wings…..and hold on, keep going! 

Much love,

Xoxo Kim 

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Inspiring quotes & pictures! {beauty} <3

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Here are some lovely quotes and my pictures!

“If you suddenly and unexpectedly feel joy, don’t hesitate. Give in to it. There are plenty of lives and whole towns destroyed or about to be. We are not wise, and not very often kind. And much can never be redeemed. Still life has some possibility left. Perhaps this is its way of fighting back, that sometimes something happened better than all the riches or power in the world. It could be anything, but very likely you notice it in the instant when love begins. Anyway, that’s often the case. Anyway, whatever it is, don’t be afraid of its plenty. Joy is not made to be a crumb. (Don’t Hesitate)” ~
Mary Oliver

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This is an old picture of me kissing my puppy last year shortly after he was born! His mommy ran out of milk and we had to feed him and his sister with a dropper. His name is Woody and he’s a big boy now!

“Beauty doesn’t have to be about anything. What’s a vase about? What’s a sunset or a flower about? What, for that matter, is Mozart’s Twenty-third Piano Concerto about?” ~Douglas Adams

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“Kindness and awareness work together. Through awareness we understand the underlying beauty of everything and every being.” ~Amit Ray

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This is me! as a kaliedoscope! lol

“Compassion is all inclusive. Compassion knows no boundaries. Compassion comes with awareness, and awareness breaks all narrow territories.” ~Amit Ray

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“The beauty of that June day was almost staggering. After the wet spring, everything that could turn green had outdone itself in greenness and everything that could even dream of blooming or blossoming was in bloom and blossom. The sunlight was a benediction. The breezes were so caressingly soft and intimate on the skin as to be embarrassing.” ~Dan Simmons

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This is me with no makeup or photo effect/filter. I just made the picture lighter because it was a bit dark. I love makeup but don’t always wear it even when I go out. I usually wear makeup in my pictures and usually put photo effects on them. I love photography and editing pics and hope to learn more!  These are my Winter pj’s but I don’t think they match! Lol oh well! 

“Beauty is an inner light that shines on the outside.” ~Lailah Gifty Akita

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My mom put the Christmas tree up a couple weeks ago! We just need candy canes now! I love how the lights turned out in this picture! The way the colors go out like that. I don’t know what that’s called. It’s the only pic that turned out like that!  My mom loves decorating and is very proud of the tree. The animals wrecked the last trees we had! Lol And there’s Lacey sleeping next to it, she loves the tree! ❤

“Niagara Falls is the hanging tongue on the face of the earth, drooling endlessly over its own beauty.”~ Vinita Kinra

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These are my pretty babies. Aren’t they so cute?! They love their cucumbers! A lot of people don’t know this but they can feel when their shells are touched and love to be petted and brushed with a toothbrush. They cannot switch shells and cannot live outside them. They cannot live if their shells break too much and if they have minor breaks, they can be super glued. 
The shells get bigger as the baby snails grow up. They are cold blooded and have to be kept warm and moist. Some snails can live to be older than fifteen years old! 😀 ❤

“Explore the wonders of different shades of colours. It is purely lovely.” ~Lailah Gifty Akita

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I read this on Google:

“Most snails have thousands of microscopic tooth-like structures located on a ribbon-like tongue called a radula. The radula works like a file, ripping food into small pieces.”

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I can feel their little teeth sometimes when I hold them. It’s not painful but tingly. Those things love to eat! Lol

My mom is afraid of them. lol

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“Ah yes, the beauty of nature…once we understand life’s delicateness, then we will surely protect and cherish all of its forms.Ah yes, the beauty of nature…once we understand life’s delicateness, then we will surely protect and cherish all of its forms.” ~ Shannon Leigh Warren

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“Looking at beauty in the world, is the first step of purifying the mind.” ~Amit Ray

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I don’t have dirty fingernails. lol I had on ugly nailpolish and took it off quickly before work and not all of it came off.

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“If you realized how beautiful you are, you would fall at your own feet.” ~Byron Katie

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Beauty’s Only Skin Deep – Temptations- mobile

Beauty’s Only Skin Deep – desktop

This is an Oldie song sung by the Temptations about how inner beauty is more important than physical beauty which I completely agree with. But i think he has nerve because he tells his girl she is beautiful on the inside but does not have a pretty face! Whaatt?! What girl wants her love to tell her that?! And he got the gall to tell her his friends ask him what he sees in her! i’m offended! lol And he says a pleasing personality is rare. I disagree. Lots of people have a lovely personality!

❤ 😀

Much0 love to you!!

xoxo Kim ❤

The Winner

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“A winner is someone who is able to learn from their failures and never give up.”

A winner isn’t necessarily someone who succeeds at certain things, a winner is someone with a certain kind of attitude, a way of looking at life and situations. Optimism, curiosity, positivity, love, seeing the bright side…are some qualities a person who is a true winner possesses.

I saw this quote today in one of my Kindle books, “365 Wisdom Pills.”

And here are a couple songs appropriate for this post (sort of?)! Good songs!! 😀

The Winner – Bobby Bare – mobile

The Winner – desktop

This is a great country song about what it really is to be a winner. A true winner turns his/her back on an invitation for trouble even if it seems uncool and wimpy.

Every 1’s a Winner – Hot Chocolate – mobile

Every 1’s a Winner – desktop

And this! A romantic love song. Every moment with his love is a winning moment!

I hope you are having a lovely day/night!

😀

Hugs & Love,

xoxo Kim ❤

Happy Birthday, John Lennon!! <3

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(this isn’t my picture, I don’t know the source)

Today is John Lennon’s 75th b-day!

In honor of him and his message of love & peace, I am sharing a few John Lennon songs here!

I heard/read that at one point, John Lennon was an abuser of women which I don’t care for at all. 
There’s never a reason for a man to put his hands on a woman in a violent away unless he really has to to defend himself or someone else. For the most part, men are bigger and stronger than a woman is and even if I hit a man first (I wouldn’t!) there’s no reason for him to hit me back. Some people strongly disagree (like my mom!)  and think as long as a woman hits a man first it’s ok. I think that is totally not ok!
Unless I catch him off guard or he’s very old or sickly or something, I can’t do much damage to him(there may be exceptions…). but a man hitting a woman can generally do worse damage, even knock her to the ground or break a bone.

Can I do that to a man? Most likely not. Unless I’m coming at him with a weapon or something. Or unless I’m exceptionally physically strong for a woman, which I’m not. I’m kind of thin, not really tall, and not at all physically strong. 
Someone, especially a man, can probably knock me out with one blow. Lol I don’t recommend it though! 

If a woman hits a man, I think it’s good to have her arrested though. 

In an interview, I think in the 90’s, one of his sons called him a hypocrite saying he preached love and peace to the world but did not show it to his own family.

John Lennon also used homophobic slurs or made a mockery of people(he had a person, a gay man, he was close to and loved in a platonic way but that doesn’t make it ok, in my opinion, to sling around insults), another thing I don’t at all care for. But then he decided to give peace a chance. It’s so great he came to his senses and all these years later his message of love is still touching us and inspiring the world. And I’m thinking it’s likely that decades and decades into the future, his message will still live and breathe into the world. I want to help keep it alive.

Whatever we are now, we can change for the better and move forward, lifting others along the way. 

And maybe he wasn’t always peaceful and loving and maybe did not show it to his family but that doesn’t make what he said about love & peace any less true. Even if he did not live up to it.

That’s a question that would come up now & then in philosophy when I was in college. What if a person says amazing things, preaches very great morals but doesn’t live up to them or even try to generally live  up to them or practice what s/he preaches her/himself? Does what the person says still stand? Is it still amazing? Or is it all hogwash or rubbish?

Well, it is good to practice what we preach. That’s for sure. We are hypocrites if we talk about how people “should” live then we don’t even try. But you know, the truth is the truth and nothing can change that. Maybe in some cases we can disregard what someone says and call it bullshit because the person won’t even try to live that way. But in some cases the message still stands. With peace & love, we can never go wrong. So even if Mr. Lennon was the biggest hypocrite, his message is still a sweet one.  Still, people are probably much more likely to take you seriously if you live up to your message. 

Here are some John Lennon songs:

Imagine – mobile

Imagine – desktop

“You may say I’m a dreamer
But I’m not the only one
I hope someday you’ll join us
And the world will be as one
Imagine no possessions
I wonder if you can
No need for greed or hunger
A brotherhood of man
Imagine all the people
Sharing all the world…”

Seriously, listen to this message and tell me it’s not brilliant no matter how the singer lived!

I’m sorry for his broken family though, I know what it’s like in some ways. My compassion goes out to them.

Woman – mobile

Woman – desktop

“And woman hold me close to your heart,
However, distant don’t keep us apart,
After all it is written in the stars”

“So let me tell you again and again and again…I love you.”

Jealous Guy – mobile

Jealous Guy – desktop

“I was feeling insecure
You might not love me anymore
I was shivering inside
I was shivering inside
Oh I didn’t mean to hurt you
I’m sorry that I made you cry
Oh my I didn’t want to hurt you
I’m just a jealous guy”

It’s great to say we’re sorry and own up to our mistakes. 

A few Beatles songs:

Here, There, & Everywhere – mobile

Here, There, & Everywhere – desktop

“I want her everywhere and if she’s beside me
I know I need never care
But to love her is to need her everywhere
Knowing that love is to share
Each one believing that love never dies
Watching her eyes and hoping I’m always there.” ❤

The Word – mobile

The Word – desktop

“Say the word and you’ll be free
Say the word and be like me
Say the word I’m thinking of
Have you heard the word is love?
It’s so fine, it’s sunshine
It’s the word, love”

All You Need is Love – mobile

All You Need is Love – desktop

“Nothing you can make that can’t be made
No one you can save that can’t be saved
Nothing you can do but you can learn how to be you in time
It’s easy
All you need is love”

This is an incredibly beautiful song! Of course love isn’t all we need though! We need food/sustenance, drink, air…if we want to live.

But you get the message, right?!

😀

Also, for John’s 75th birthday, someone put this together.

Isn’t is so sweet that someone cares enough to compile a quote or song lyrics for each year since John Lennon came into the world? That couldn’t have been extremely easy and must have been very time consuming!   

So John Lennon wasn’t the saint the world makes him out to be but he did also have positive qualities. And it’s good to share those. He was a great singer! 

It’s so tragic and senseless what happened to him. And so good people still have him in their hearts all these years later, including people who weren’t even yet alive until after the tragedy. He is so famous and so loved! I can just imagine what the world must have been like shortly after the tragedy struck. 

He missed out on the whole rest of his life because someone choosing to act viciously decided to take it upon himself and end someone else’s life. It’s so wrong that one person can just out of nowhere go and end someone’s life just because that person feels like it. Wherever he is, if he’s still alive, I hope he realizes how wrong it is now, not in a way so he suffers with guilt but so his compassion is deeper. I think that whenever we do something wrong, we can be sorry but use our guilt and regret for good, not let it destroy us but let it inspire us to deepen our compassion and reach out to others. We can take what we learn and discover and help someone else. And if we’re murderers it won’t do much to help the dead individual but at least good things will be happening inspired by the tragedy. 
I’m not sure if any murderers are reading but if there are, you can maybe help prevent future acts of violence by learning things like anger management, compassion, empathy…and then teach others. 
There are people who have acted very violently, even killed people, then turned their lives around, even in prison, and went on to help other people, like other prisoners, with personal development and things. 
You may never be getting out but you can still help others. 
It won’t ever make up for that monstrous action but some good will at least come of it.
Either way, as we know, nothing brings back the dead one. But we can use our life lessons to do some good. 

Much love to you, murderers, abusers and all, they probably often need it the most! ❤

Xoxo Kim 😀

p.s. PLEASE whenever you write something using technology, SAVE it every couple of minutes. No! every couple of seconds! You can never save too much! I thought my post disappeared before I saved it and almost had a cow! Then it reappeared! Thank goodness! This thing took so much work and time to put together!

It's always worth it even if no one sees it now! It will always be here.

So save your work! I want to spare you that sinking feeling! 😀

Sick Bastards & a few other things <3

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This isn’t a book review to tell you how great some books are! It’s to let you know how great the books’ titles are, which if you keep reading you will see for yourself!

Here are a few things that have me in stitches today and hopefully you can find some of them amusing too! 😀

Amazon sent me a book recommendation for a book called “Sick Bastards” and that is hilarious. Matt Shaw is the author. 

I was reading some of the reviews and someone wrote “Matt Shaw is one sick bastard” and this made me laugh harder. 

It’s said to be a great book but with an exceptional amount of gore. It’s only 99 cents for now. I don’t know if I will buy the book. I’m not the biggest fan of gore although I have read gory books I love but those also have more than just gore. Maybe this one does too, I’m not sure. People said it’s a great story. I’m thinking of buying the book just for the cover because I do judge books by their covers. And it sure is worth the 99 cents!

He also has a book called “SickER Bastards” and one called “F*cked up shorts.” No, I don’t have any hesitation about writing (or saying) the word FUCK, it’s just that the book is called “F*cked…” I never quite understood why people write curse words if they’re only going to censor them. I think most of us know what they’re trying to say and the concept is the same whether they spell out the word or skip some letters.  Guess it just takes a certain kind of balls to go all the way and spell it out! 
Maybe on some social media places we can be reported for writing the words out! I hope WordPress isn’t one! ;-D

He also has books called “Snuff,” “P*o*r*n,” and “Home Video.”

Do I even want to know?

It says they are all extreme horror, sex, and violence. 

Umm, eww, no thanks. 

and btw, his book called “p.o.r.n” doesn’t really have the stars or dots in the title. I put them because the word “p.o.r.n” on blogs tends to attract p.o.r.n.o spam and p.o.r.n.o blogs begin stalking us. I have nothing against p.o.r.n but I don’t want it accidentally coming through in my comments because not everyone who reads my content may want to see it and it may be viruses too. My sister looked up some funny dr. seuss book for adults before when we were out with my friend and then her accounts were being attacked by p*o*r*n0 stuff all night! lmao! It was hilarious but she wasn’t too amused after a while!

Anyway, this Matt Shaw is starting to seem like he may actually be one sick bastard! Lol 

I LOVE the name of his books though!

My pup, Woody, a little chihuahua, helped himself to one of my dad’s crackers out of the pack and he knew he was doing something wrong and kept turning his little head real fast back and forth to make sure no one was coming to take his cracker! It was the most adorable thing! He’s a silly boy. ❤ 

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This is Woody.

He has a big belly and he’s a very snuggly boy, sleeps with me every night and he’s so bad! He chews everything!  

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Yes, he did that to the shade. A little thing like this can do this much damage. I have five other dogs so he gets a little help with his destruction once in a while but he’s the main culprit.

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Does he look like a stoner or what!?

My mom calls him the little porker. ❤

Also, this:

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Lol sorry, Republicans but this is funny! 

(not my photo)

Some years ago, I remember outside a church where election polls were being held, a dog tried going in when someone was walking him and the people working the polls were joking and said “don’t let the dog in he’s a republican…!” lol 😀

And did you think I would let the dems get off easy? Never! Heres one for them too:

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I really do sleep like this!

;-D

(also not my pic)

I think political jokes are hilarious even if it’s poking fun at “my side” of an issue. Lol

And here’s a little something to piss off the atheists.

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(not my picture)

WHY ATHEISM(1)

(yes, this is totally me)

(but this is totally not my picture!)

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(also not my picture!)

Looks like I have it in for the atheists today! 

You can go easy on the ass-kicking, atheists, I’m one of you! Lol ;-D

Here is a funny picture that is not mine:

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Poor tin man, he doesn’t have a heart and now it seems he doesn’t have joints or muscles either. ❤

And here's me:

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This is me a few days ago but I look like a little kid playing dress up trying to look older. Recently someone seriously asked me if I graduated high school yet! 

My mom said I look eight years old in this picture, especially with my “innocent” pose. And she thinks it’s hilarious. It’s ridiculous. Women are often known for wanting to look younger than their age. I was never one of those women. I want to look my age. People have told me it’s a compliment to have people think I look younger. But even for women who want to look younger, do you really want to look like a child?! Come on now!

Looking a few years younger is one thing, looking a few DECADES younger is quite another!  

Lol 

And here I am again! 

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And one last pic of me:

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What’s it with me taking pics in the closet at work? Lol who knows?! 

But at least I look a tad older here (I hope.).

Ok, I think I’m done being obnoxious for the day. Here are two sweet love songs. Universal Love songs, not romantic ones. 

Keep Loving – mobile

Keep Loving – desktop

“Whether you got a family or single parentin’-
Or your Asian, African, European or American
Whether you pray-to-God or atheist is irrelevant
Cuz what you got inside is the same as all your brethren
So keep loving,
It’ll change your heart, it’ll change your mind
And then you’ll start to change your eyes
So keep loving
Everything you touch, everyone you see
Will soon become, your family”

Love One Another – mobile

Love One Another – desktop

“Love one another
Take your brother by the hand
The world will watch in wonder
Love will make them understand
Love one another
And your love will change the world”

Much love & laughter to you, I love you no matter what your views are, Republican, Democrat, Muslim, Arab, Christian, Atheist, rich, poor, homeless, whatever ethnicity, skin color, physical appearance, weight, size, sexual orientation, gender, gender identity…let’s take the messages in these songs to heart and let’s all laugh together at our own selves and each other, in a playful way, not a mocking way. We’re all in this together. ❤ ❤

😀

Xoxo Kim 

Another Fall in Philadelphia <3

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So, it seems I have this tradition each year now where I post a blog entry called something along the lines of “Another Fall in Philadelphia” and share Hall & Oates’ song, “Fall in Philadelphia.” lol Hall & Oates are the best! And they are Philadelphia boys! Like me! (except I’m not a boy…)

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And they attended Temple University! Like me again!
I am thrilled every year when it’s about to be Fall!
I love the whole Fall theme, pumpkin spice and everything nice! Pumpkins, hot cocoa, tea, hayrides and crunchy leaves, haunted houses and the Eastern State Penitentiary! Cool nights & hoodies! Crisp air and Halloween, the bright colored leaves all around! The whole thing! 

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So in honor of this lovely season on its first day, here are some sweet Autumn quotes! As well as some of my pictures, the best Fall-like pictures I was able to get. It’s not exactly lookin’ (or feelin’) a real, real lot like Fall out there yet. It’s cooler at some points and there are some signs of Fall but it’s not raining crispy colored leaves all over just yet. And it’s hot as hell outside but I’m loving every second! 

Here goes!

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“Autumn carries more gold in its pocket than all the other seasons.” ~ Jim Bishop

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“Bittersweet October. The mellow, messy, leaf-kicking, perfect pause between the opposing miseries of summer and winter.” ~Carol Bishop Hipps, “October,” In a Southern Garden, 1995

I love all four seasons. Summer is my least favorite (I don’t like the heat waves and humidity at all but regular summer days are lovely) and Winter is my favorite with Fall right up there with it. But I agree that Summer & Winter have “opposing miseries” and Fall is perfect. Winter & Summer can both be painful, one with the scorching heat and sticky haze, the other with the blasting cold and slippery ice. Spring is beautiful too with lovely qualities that the other seasons don’t have much of but can tend to be like Summer in its excessive heat. Autumn is just flawless for sure! ❤ 

“No spring nor summer’s beauty hath such grace
As I have seen in one Autumnal face….” ~John Donne, “Elegy IX: The Autumnal”

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“Oh how we love pumpkin season. You did know this gourd-ish squash has its own season, right? Winter, Spring, Summer, Pumpkin…. We anxiously anticipate it every year.” ~Trader Joe’s Fearless Flyer, October 2010

So do I! All year! 

“October’s poplars are flaming torches lighting the way to winter.” ~Nova S. Bair

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“I’m so glad I live in a world where there are Octobers.”

Isn’t it something how someone can be just so THRILLED over weather and a season?! I couldn’t be happier if I just won a free shopping spree! 

Lol 

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The last Philadelphia Summer sunset til next year. Beautiful, isn’t it?

I will miss all the little flying insects and pretty flowers. </3 ❤

And here it is! Hall & Oates' thrilling song!

Fall in Philadelphia – mobile

Fall in Philadelphia – desktop

(I absolutely love the container of oates! hilarious!!) ;-D :-p

Unfortunately it’s not the most cheerful song about our wonderful city!

It’s about how it’s all dreary and gray and their house is falling down, and we’re all hopeless and people are getting rich selling dope and a boy named Johnny is getting his ass kicked, and they want to escape out into the country. Anywhere but here. 

How rude! 

What a lovely picture they paint of us!

;-D

Oh, well. It’s still has my heart. ❤

And here's another one of my favorite songs, a sweet love song sung by Paul Davis, perfect for Fall nights!

 Cool Night – mobile

Cool Night – desktop

Also, today is my mom’s b-day! She loves Fall and how her special day is on the first day of Fall! She said her name should have been Autumn but instead it’s Lee, short for Leona. She’s named after my grandmom. My sister and me bought her a big vanilla scented candle. Vanilla is her favorite. ❤ At least it cheered her up! She wasn't happy because my little sister and me got into a stupid, trivial argument today (I started it…oopps! Sometimes I can totally be an asshole but at least I’m honest about it, right?!)!

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So Happy Fall to you!  😀

Xoxo Kim 

P.s. Thank You so so much to everyone who reads, likes, shares, follows, lurks, “likes”, reblogs….my content! I deeply appreciate it! When I set up this blog account three years ago, I never expected to have even just a few people read it but I always knew even if just one person comes across my content once in a while, that would be amazing. If just one person is uplifted or inspired that is good enough.
And when we post something it’s here forever so even if no one sees it til years later, it always has the potential to be seen. And that’s good! 😀
But I’m so honored and filled with gratitude for all those who visit here. Thank you, thank you, thank you!! ❤ 😀 Hugs & love to you! ❤

Today – <3

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July 20, 2015 – I wrote this at work today but I’m posting after 8:00pm so it will say July 21st.It’s not. It’s Monday, July 20th. 

I woke up not in the happiest mood. Last night I was hit with a depressed mood, not the kind almost everyone experiences now and then but my real depressive disorder flaring up. First I was just angry over nothing and everything. Angry and exhausted and kind of numb. Then the pain began to sink in later. I was having dark thoughts and a night of fitful sleep and anxious feelings all over me. I kept being jolted out of my sleep, like jumping up not knowing why. It was nothing external, but in my head. There were no dreams that I know of. I usually remember my dreams. 
I kept thinking of all the negative things that ever happened to me, all the people and animals I ever knew who died(this brought me so much anxiety and pain), thinking that anyone I know can die at any second (more wretched anxiety and pain), every wrong thing I ever thought someone did to me, all of the mistakes I ever made, all the flaws I thought of in just about everyone I know, I felt jealous, lonely, and other negative emotions…i just wanted to end it all. I’m only like this when I’m very depressed, it’s not a general thing but when I get like this, it feels like it was always constant. 

Then there was this serious physical pain in my head that came out of nowhere(for a few seconds I thought something was rupturing and that I was dying. And I was happy about it. Thinking, good, just end it all now. So yes, my depression was bad.). But I wasn’t going to succumb to this vicious disease (or whatever you want to call depression).
It is a serious sickness that just devours me like being consumed by some vicious entity. It can flare up out of nowhere and linger on for months or end quickly. It has to be managed like with physical diseases. 

I decided to get to work, kick this depression in the balls, whatever it takes.
Being able to recognize it like this, that it’s depression, a true condition, and not just me being worthless is a gift. I do not always realize when I’m depressed and believe I’m just hopelessly flawed and worthless and that my life is nothing. Through the years, I learned to often detect this as depression and realize the pain or numbness and emptiness, along with other symptoms, is really the disorder and then I can do whatever I have to do to ward it off or cope as best as I can.  

 Last night/early this morning, I practiced Buddhist meditation and Mala recitation which helps greatly. The mantra I chose for these specific beads, the Mala, which I made at a workshop at the Center where I attend classes, is, 
Oṃ maṇi padme hūṃ, the mantra of compassion for all sentient beings. 

Oṃ maṇi padme hūṃ – dharma-haven.org

We can recite various mantras using one set of Mala beads but Buddhists believe that each recitation, positive energy goes into the beads and every recitation session with that mantra, adds more power to them. When we use a different mantra on the same Mala, all the energy for the previous mantra is obliterated and the power of the new mantra goes into them, then we have to start all over again if we want to go back to a different mantra. This is not that good for people who have been using one Mala for very long with the same mantra! You can just get a different Mala for each mantra. I have two, the one I made myself and one I ordered online (not as pretty! Lol)

Here’s the one I made:
I chose the colors and the beads. 

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Gorgeous, right?!

I get lots of compliments on this beautiful thing! 

Here’s the one I ordered online to help me cope with my cluster-like headaches. It only came in black. 

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Not quite as lovely but I still love it!!

The mantra I chose for this is: 

Om ah hum

This is just a quick one to keep focused and used for purification of the body, speech, and mind.

I love the idea of compassion for all living beings of sentience (even though I don’t always live up to it as much as I intend and want to) so I chose the compassion mantra for my main Mala. Also, I attended the Empowerment for the Buddha of compassion, Avalokiteshvara, last month, where the mind of whatever Buddha the Empowerment is for(like Tara, the medicine Buddha,…)in this case, Avalokiteshvara, is believed to enter our own mind,empowering us with that Buddha’s wisdom and light. So during our Empowerment (they occur once a year I think, here at the center in Philadelphia and maybe two a year in NYS at the Temple, I don’t know where else, and until we receive one by an ordained monk or nun, we cannot engage in certain Tantric practices, it’s believed we aren’t strong or wise enough and will make us sick), the mind of Avalokiteshvara is believed to enter our own minds,empowering us to love like he does, flawlessly, deeply, without condition. We still have to practice to get where he is but the Empowerment helps us get there.
His compassion for all living beings is so complete, so flawless that he can handle anything. No problem is really a problem and nothing is insurmountable when your compassion & love for the world is boundless. We look to him for strength and wisdom and love, as his flawless love runs so deep that nothing can break him. I also wear his necklace. He has four arms! Two of them are folded in prayer at his chest. And he holds a crystal Mala in one hand. He is beautiful! 

Here is my necklace:

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And here is me a couple weeks ago, wearing it but it got turned around in the pic. 

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And here is a song about love & compassion:

Compassion – mobile

Compassion – desktop

When I woke up this morning  it was better but not completely and I consciously, forcefully made lists in my head of all the good things I can think of. And tried to actually feel how good they are, not just list them.  And I read writings by Orison Swett Marden, and philosophy texts by Plato and others, and am much better! It wasn’t a full blown episode yet so I was able to work on it before it got too bad. With my condition which flares up now and again for hours, days, weeks, or months, I had to develop techniques to fend it off or just cope with it when I can’t. I’m not letting this thing get me for months now! No way! I may have to battle it for a while now until the threat of it becoming a full blown episode ends and I’m doing a good job! It’s just what I have to do and is a blessing that I can do this and learned to. It’s like a real disease with symptoms and like a whole entity inside and all around me. Crushing me in complete darkness. Way more than just a mood or attitude. But I have come a long, long way…and am here to stay! lol j/k that’s not what I was really going to write but it sounds cheesy and funny in my head so I went with it! I was really going to write I have come and long, long way and that itself inspires me to keep going and not allow the vicious darkness to consume me when I can help it! 😀 There was a day when I couldn’t do this because I haven’t yet learned how or even realized it can be possible. 

I’m reading a wonderful book by Geshe Kelsang Gyatso, “How to Solve Our Human Problems” about how to always maintain a calm, peaceful, and patient mind no matter what pain or problems we have. A problem is only a problem if we allow it to be. No matter who doesn’t like us, rejects us, or even attacks us physically. How to respond with compassion, not anger or any other unpleasant emotion. It’s a Buddhist book but much of it can be helpful to people in general. It’s entertaining and can be read philosophically for intellectual purposes but is also intended to be very practical. I am usually very patient (I have been told I have the patience of a saint! Lol) but even I can work to strengthen my virtue of patience. The book is helpful for all kinds of problems, even handling physical pain. 

I drank a cup of hot cocoa with whipped cream and chocolate syrup! Yum! 

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I’m also reading two fictional horror books! One takes place in a snow blizzard and these people, two brothers who are very close, and their girls, get trapped in it somewhere in the woods, I think, and something evil lurks there. Thrilling! I only read a few pages.  
😀
And I realized even more how empathetic I am. I’m not referring to compassion at this moment but a deep ability to feel and understand a person or situation. I’m at work with a broken air conditioner and four freezers blowing HOT air on me while it’s 90 something degrees out but is said to feel like over 100. Drinking hot chocolate. It’s like torture in here! In the book it’s Winter in Virginia and the group of friends are in a car with the heat on, all warm and cozy. Then the traffic got backed up because of an accident and a police officer came over and they had to put the window down and the author describes how a blast of bitter cold Winter air blew into the window and overpowered the heater keeping them warm. I’m serious when I say I literally felt the blast of cold air on me. Right in the face! 
For a split second I thought the air conditioner may be working again, and looked up to see if like the air conditioner came on suddenly and was colder than ever. Unfortunately no. It was just this empathy of mine. It is beautiful but it can also be a nuisance. Like when someone takes a blow to the face, even just a character in a book/movie, and I’m keeling over as if it’s me it happened to. :-/
I think this book is called “The Snow and the Darkness” but I don’t feel much like checking at the moment. Lol Just a warning, it has great reviews but someone wrote a review saying it’s overly, unnecessarily, disgusting, dark, and disturbing. I don’t like stuff that I think is that dark & disturbing but this person may have a different view about what is “overly” dark. Horror and thriller is one thing but some stuff goes overboard, imo. I don’t know what the person means by this and I already got the book so I’m reading it. But I have read books that I found so disturbing I regret reading them. I hope this isn’t one. So if you’re planning on reading it, watch it! lol

A customer at the store I work at told me I make life so complicated! Ummm…whhaaat?! lol 
He was saying it mostly in jest but he was kind of serious! I was just trying to be helpful! Lol I like to give people exactly what they want and pay for so I ask for more details than I really have to. He wanted two different flavors of water ice together so I asked in which order. 
He took so long to answer I thought he did not hear me then realized he really couldn’t decide if he wanted lemon on top or blueberry and it was a distressing dilemma! It just added another problem to his day.
I find the whole situation to be thought-provoking. And funny too. As simple as I am, I am also deep with wonderful analytical skills! But I don’t go overboard with the analyzing either. It’s a positive thing! Yes, I’m bragging! Lol 

I realized even more how one person can think something is amazing and thoughtful(my desire to get as many details as possible about how someone wants the person’s food prepared, for example) while someone else can find that same trait to be a hassle! It’s all how you look at it. Which brings me back to the book I mentioned at the top, by Venerable Geshe Kelsang, how nothing exists inherently. It’s all how we look at it. Some people find my cheerfulness to be pleasing, I get compliments on it a lot, while others find it annoying(i have been told I’m so cheerful it’s disgusting! Lol).

I’m eating Moose tracks ice cream! It has peanut butter cups! I don’t care much for food pics. Unless the food is pretty. This isn’t very pretty and it’s all melted but it’s delicious. And part of my day. So, why not?! 

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I was the stereotypical girl when I woke up. I was getting ready for work after a shower, trying to decide what, out of my like 500 shirts, to wear and thought all frantically, “I HAVE NOTHING TO WEAR!!!” while flinging my clothes everywhere. :-p

I came out without an ounce of makeup on, my hair all ratty and pinned up wet after the shower, sticking up every which way. And don’t care if I look like hell to everyone. Lol I think I look alright. And even if I don’t, whatever. I’m a confident girl, even with ratty looking wet hair and absolutely no makeup, not even mascara or lip gloss! Confident in two ways, first, I still know I look good or at least ok. And even if I don’t, who cares?! Lol There’s worse things than someone judging my appearance. I really just can’t force myself to give a shit. oh yeah, and my hair often looks kind of wet in my pics because it is. Because I have ass-length hair that has to be put up for work and when it’s very hot or windy I put it up before going out just after a shower then when I let it down later, it is still wet. eww. I promise it’s not oily or anything! lol Ass length hair just tends to get in the way and has to be put up and I don’t wait for it to dry.

Here’s a pic of me today!

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I’m in the closet at work! Lol

And…here I am again! 

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One of the things that cheered me up is reading funny/inspiring blog posts. Just one simple uplifting/funny quote or post can do wonders for someone! If you have something to say/write, pics to share, don’t hold back! Post it now, it can really help someone immensely! Not everyone will appreciate it but even if just one does, that is enough!  And if no one does, at least you have the motivation to try. And even if no one sees it now, maybe in thirty years someone will stumble upon it! Who knows?! Once you put something out into cyberspace it’s there to stay! Even if you “delete” it. This can be good or bad. So watch what you put out there! 

My coworker came and fixed the air conditioner, something to do with the breaker and switches in the closet! I’m not the one you call if you have a practical problem. While I’m great at remaining positive in problematic situations, I’m not very independent in this sense. My automatic thought when a problem occurs is “who can I call to fix this for me?! I NEED someone!” instead of getting creative and assertive and trying myself, I run to someone else. It’s kind of embarrassing because in many situations, (like today) kids have been the ones I relied on to fix stuff for me. Like my sister and my coworkers. My sister is over ten years younger than me (like my coworker who just fixed it) and she’s a great problem solver. My sister can figure anything out and fix it, phones, exercising equipment, any kind of technology…. And I work at a store so my coworkers have been various ages, some decades older than me and some over a decade younger, through the years. And I had sixteen year old girls, take charge, and know what do do during a problem/emergency before I did! I think it’s not just about practical skills, that too, but a mentality. My mentality is “I need someone to come and help me and fix this problem…i can’t do this myself!” or “this is a man’s job/i need a big strong man to help me out, my job is just to stand here and look pretty!”  (I’m sure the rad feminists just love this one! Lol) I often feel relieved knowing someone can come and solve all my practical problems. lol oh well! I’m just not miss independent! Never have been, probably never will be. But it’s ok, we can’t all be good at everything now can we?! ;-D

I discovered some old forgotten songs by Hall & Oates, Michael McDonald, and some oldies but goodies and am now a very happy girl! ❤
I'll share a few! 

What a Fool Believes – mobile

What a Fool Believes – desktop

You Lost That Loving Feeling – mobile

You Lost That Loving Feeling – desktop

Love & Compassion – Parachute Club (mobile)

Love & Compassion – Parachute Club (desktop)

She’s Gone – Hall & Oates (mobile)

She’s Gone – desktop

Takin’ it to the streets – mobile

Takin’ it to the streets – desktop

I hope you will be happy listening to some of these too! I listened to these songs frequently when I was a young girl and some I have listened to more recently and somehow forgot about. 

I listened to a song called “The Power of Your Name,” which is a Jesus song about compassion that I discovered last night but my wifi wasn’t strong enough to let me play it. Then when I got to work today I listened to it.  You don’t have to be a Christian or Catholic person or even believe in Jesus/God to be inspired by the message. It’s about taking the compassion Jesus has for everyone and putting it out into the world, loving others as Jesus does. I love it! ❤ This message can apply to every single person, religious or not, atheist, christian, or whatever you are. 

"And I will live to carry Your compassion, to love a world that's broken
To be Your hands and feet
And I will give with the life that I've been given
And go beyond religion to see the world be changed…" ~ Lincoln Brewster 

Awww ❤ so beautiful!!

mobile:

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=AwKpbbnWPgs 

desktop:

I would classify today as a good day! It did not start out very happy but I was able to take control and turn it happy by focusing on the good. Of course that will likely not always completely solve all the problems and pain we have, merely focusing on the good. But it sure helps! 

So you see, even if our day doesn't start out well, it can certainly end well! And it's not even over yet! 😀

I'm sending you lots of love & compassion today and always! ❤ <333

😀

xoxo Kim 😀