Tag Archive | suicide,

Valerie❀

(Valerie πŸ’›)

So cool, she was like
Jazz on a summer’s day
Music, high and sweet
Then she just blew away
Now she can’t be that warm
With the wind in her arms
Valerie, call on me
Call on me, Valerie

Valerie – Steve Winwood

Recently, one of my social media friends, Valerie, died by suicide. Isn’t this so absolutely terrible?!?! She was born in August 1965 & died in August 2018. I did not know her in person or talk to her much on social media or know her well but can see she was a sweet person with a pure heart. The news about her death is like being stabbed in the gut, especially because it seems so senseless like it did not have to happen. Valerie was like me, very open & accepting and added/accepted everyone as social media friends. Her life philosophy, loving & including everyone, resonates with me deeply. I can even call her one of my soul sisters as our energy/vibration has been on the same wavelength.

Valerie loved coffee, music, people, and animals.

I always wished I had her name because I love the song by Steve Winwood! Recently, before she died, I was in Rite Aid and got a bottle of soda and chose the one with her name and thought of her.

She posted a lot of sweet, beautiful, and inspiring messages and also a bunch of (very liberal) political rants. I do not agree with all that she shared or the way she shared some of it (sometimes sarcastic) but a lot of her posts resonate with me. The reason I am sharing here that I did not always agree with her is as a reminder that we can disagree with someone but still love that person and still be friends. This was also her philosophy of life so I want to share it to honor her.

(She shared this)

Love songs fill the night
But they don’t tell it all
Not how lovers cry out
Just like they’re dying
Her cries hang there, in time,
Somewhere, someday,
Some good wind
May blow her back to me
Some night I may hear
Her like she used to be
No it can’t be that warm
With the wind in her arms
Valerie, call on me
Call on me, Valerie

Here are just a few posts on Valerie’s facebook account, most of it shared by her and a couple she is tagged in by others and liked:

(This makes me laugh hysterically πŸ˜‚πŸ€£)

(That’s Valerie’s writing under the pic)

(I wish Valerie would have remembered this when she made that ultimate choice out of fear & pain πŸ’”)

(I dont care if people dont repost this. I dont repost these things that demand us to to repost or try to make us seem cold and non-caring. Im only posting this here to show Valerie’s kind heart.)

This is a small thing I am doing to keep Valerie’s lovelight going after her death.

She was a strong person but also tender and sensitive in a way. She wanted to be loved, noticed, called beautiful…

She was open about her depression and struggle and some of these posts show what it was like for her. She was clearly a strong person who kept winning these battles in her war of depression but one moment she chose to give into that despair and now her war is over but so is everything else about her. All of her interests, memories, activities each day, her voice, her smile, any new acts of kindness she would have performed, any chance of healing, all of her ways and everything that made her her…..all gone forever.

I know it felt like it then but it wasn’t worth it to end it all just to end that horrible pain. The world needs MORE like Valerie and now she just made it so there’s one less.

So I’m doing my part to continue her light & lavish her love onto others.

Sweet Valerie.

We can see by all these messages she believed in that she was very wise but she still made the choice to take her own life. This is because all it takes is a split second to forget all that wisdom and beauty and give into the darkness. But deep within, she still held that wisdom. We all do. Please let’s remember to hold onto what we know even when it feels impossible to hold on. I have no question of “why” like many people do. I know why. I completely understand why a person would take her own life. It makes complete sense to me but it’s not a good thing to do. She killed everything she was all just to end her pain.

Like I said, Valerie and me weren’t close. I hardly knew her. I hope all the love/healing thoughts will be for her close family & friends first. My love goes out to them and also to everyone else affected by this tragic loss, including her social media friends. What heartbreak.

She struggled hard but all she wanted was others to be happy and to take away their pain. πŸ’”β€

I’m so thankful for the opportunity to share her love here. I hope it will inspire others like she wanted. Valerie was a beautiful soul inside & out.

If I could have taken away her pain, even if I had to bear it myself, I would have.β€πŸ’—

To anyone struggling like Valerie was or anyone grieving, I love you!! Please keep going. ❀ ~Hugs~

Much love,

Xoxo Kim

Stay. β™‘

“There’s going to be days when you don’t want to be here anymore. You just STAY. You fucking stay. Somewhere out there, somebody needs your voice β€” I promise. I swear to God, your laughter is someone’s saving grace. Hold on tight, baby. The sun is coming for you.”  β™‘

This quote is attributed to Erin Van Vuren. I don’t know if that’s correct. She seems to curse a lot in her quotes! Lol Maybe some people think profanity is a good way to express passion more strongly? Anyway, this quote (and the beautiful heart!) is a great reminder to anyone struggling with suicidal tendencies or depressive illness. 

That’s why I chose this heart. It’s a beautiful reminder. When things get too difficult, painful, scary, confusing, dull, numb, or whatever, stay. 

Stay.

If you are contemplating if you should stay or go, please stay!

Much love & light to you, always! I hope you are having a beautiful day or night wherever you are! β™‘β™‘β™‘

Xoxo Kim 


No one can make you feel inferior…

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(me! πŸ˜€ ❀ I really have blue eyes with green splashes but for a few days recently, they were green! 😱)

“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”

Yesterday I received two very unpleasant comments, one in person, by someone I know and have liked a lot since i met her and one online by a stranger. The online comment was vicious and intended to be callous and the in-person comment was meant to be compassionate but I find it thoughtless. I’m extremely open about my struggle with severe depression and the things relating to it, both online and in person. Since I was thirteen years old, I have struggled with severe episodes of depression with frequent lower-grade depression in the middle a lot. My depression would always go completely away for a while, sometimes months, but would always come back to some degree. It has been with me off and on through the years since then.

I never try to conceal it out of embarrassment or what people may think but I also dont go out of my way to bring it up usually, not because I dont want to necessarily; it’s just there’s not always an opportunity or thought to bring it up. I don’t constantly talk or think about my depressive illness. I just get to talking about it when it happens to come up somehow. I keep my social media accounts public and post about it sometimes, so anyone has access to it. But not everyone who knows me knows about my condition. I am very happy in general when I’m not depressed; even when my depression was chronic/frequent, it would always leave and I would be so happy and healthy; and even when I am depressed, I am still naturally very friendly to others and still often easily amused. I don’t “look depressed,” whatever that may look like. I don’t dress all in black with my head down and covered in self inflicted cuts, like some people assume depressed people should look like.

I am frequently laughing and smiling. I can function in the world and effectively interact with people in social settings. This is true for many, probably even most of us who struggle with mental health conditions. We may be someone with a family of our own or we may live at home with the family we grew up with, we can be store cashiers, food servers, doctors, counselors, your next door neighbor, your coworker, your best friend, the giggly, smiling person you see at the bus stop everyday, maybe your hairdresser or attorney, a schoolteacher…..we cannot always see depression. It’s true, people do notice I am depressed sometimes (even if they don’t realize it’s depression). But it cannot always be detected by others.

Yesterday online, I expressed compassion for a suicide victim and his family and friends. The sweet young man is dead and everyone who loves and knew him is shattered and will always be scarred. I am not easily offended and not sensitive so I can easily brush off comments and remarks that are malicious, rude, sarcastic, thoughtless….but some occasions, for whatever reason, they hit hard. A stranger, both to me, and to the man who died by suicide, commented and wrote something in response to all our comments, about compassion for him not being necessary because he was a “selfish, cowardly piece of shit who did this to himself.” (This is not new to me; it’s frequent to encounter this kind of sentiment about suicidal people and suicide victims – I have been told myself on more than one occasion, to quit feeling sorry for myself and go get it over with and kill myself already, luckily i havent heard this in a while)

First of all, this poor person was sick or somethimg. It was’t like he just decided it would be fun to end his own life just for thrills. Also, those poor souls who knew him, his family, his mama, his close friends, his acquaintances, his coworkers, his neighbors, maybe even someone who saw him around but hardly knew him, are all impacted in a horrific way now and they can’t help that he made that terrible choice; it’s not their fault so why write something so callous for them to read? They are the ones being hurt by the cruelty; not him. As if it’s not cruel enough, this pain they now have to live with. Now on top of that, they have that comment to remember.

That was at the beginning of my day that I had the displeasure of encountering that. Then closer to the end of my day, I had the displeasure of receiving another thoughtless (but not as ruthless) comment but in person by someone I know.

I recently met a new (platonic) friend at work! I only met him a couple months ago and instantly felt a deep connection to him. He is one of the kindest and most generous people I ever met and reminds me of another friend I have. I was telling my mom how much the two are alike then i found out they grew up knowing each other! ❀ I had no idea! πŸ˜€ Shortly after i met this new friend of mine, I realized i felt a sense of “home” like we may feel when we meet people we have a deep “soul” connection with.

Anyway, my new friend has problems, some of which he shared with me. He has severe recurring headaches, financial difficulties, and is in emotional turmoil because he is in the process of getting a divorce, which is not his choice but his wife’s. I am inspired because as much pain as he is experiencing about his loss, he told me he is so thankful for the thirty years he had with her and all the memories he’ll always have. And for his kids and grandbaby(hes adorable! I get to see him some days)

Yesterday, a girl I know told me to be very careful because my new friend just got out of a “looney bin” and is cracking up in the head and she doesnt want him to go off and do anything to me. She said he’s a very friendly person but looney. I could tell she was genuinely concerned for my safety so I cant even be angry at her and even find it a bit touching that she cares so much. But her comment struck me so hard, like a slap hard across the face. He’s not dangerous to others. Most of us are not (though some definitely are) and it is damaging to perpetuate that. She did not realize who she was talking to. If i was in her position and said that to someone who has experienced both voluntary and involuntary psychiatric hospitalizations(like I have), I would have been mortified. I spared her the embarrassment (and fear) and sob story of mine and just tried to assure her that he is not a threat to others. She was not convinced.

She even admitted that he shows no signs of being a threat to others but that she’s concerned when he’s around. I felt compassion for her even with my annoyance. Imagine feeling fear whenever you see someone, that the person will “snap” and put you in danger. It’s not pleasant for her either. She clearly doesn’t understand mental illness.

The reason I found it difficult to shrug off her comment is, I like her a lot (in a platonic way) and my condition is a part of me and always will be, not that I will always be depressed but always remember that I was. It’s painful to like someone and the person not understand a significant part of me, especially thinking I’m dangerous. Some people who dont like something(certain views, disabilities…), when they find out someone they know experiences that, they will come to be more understanding of it and accepting, while others will reject the person. Either way, I think it’s important to not conceal stuff just so others will not dislike us. Just because we deny it in ourselves does not mean it doesn’t exist and then people will love us under false impressions. It won’t be real.

As the cliche goes “I would rather be hated for who I am than loved for who I’m not.”

For sure! Though i dont think it’s very likely that anyone will “hate” us, they may dislike us or feel uncomfortable around us. It is unfortunate and they have my compassion. Even though it’s unpleasant for me, it’s also unpleasant for them. I wish they would try to understand better and not perpetuate dangerous myths.

People don’t just “snap” and “go off.” They show signs that often go unnoticed by others before they freak out and go on a killing spree. And look at all the people who aren’t mentally ill who kill people and animals. Not every mentally ill person who kills does so as a result of the illness. Even mentally ill people can be assholes and kill for the same reasons non mentally ill people kill for. Not only is it wrong to assume mentally ill people are all dangerous because it hurts us to assume that, it’s wrong because it’s like justifying it when someone kills someone. Mental illness is no justification usually. I do struggle with depression sometimes but it never gets me wanting to kill anyone other than myself and if I killed someone I would just be an asshole who is also mentally ill. And I hope I would get life in prison.

I know not to attack someone and never even have the urge to. Only once in all of my days (except when i was little and thought it was funny to hit older kids and if kids were messing with me, i would sometimes hit them) can i ever remember truly wanting to even just smack someone(in 7th grade my friend was irking me so badly in class i just wanted to smack her and would have if we werent in school!) and never again since then. I would kill myself before I would kill someone else and i would risk my own life to save another (even when im not suicidal!).

The two comments, only because I let them, put a damper on my happiness. I let them dull my sparkle. I usually don’t allow that but yesterday I did. But this quote I shared above, popped into my head.

“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”

It’s a quote that is so cliche i fear it may be often just overlooked or mindlessly tossed around in an attempt to seem positive. I have often overlooked it, finding it positive and a great concept but not truly letting it inspire me. Yesterday though, I really felt it, let it inspire me deeply. Even if we can’t initially help how we feel in response to something that someone else says or does, we can work to strengthen our mind against the actions and words of others.

I thought of how it doesnt matter what that girl thinks of my friend or me. We are not dangerous and so many people understand that. There will always be those who don’t and we can just speak up or share things to counter it. And we can show compassion to those in need.

I accept my condition. There’s nothing I can do about it. I can’t change my history of it. It just is and I allow it to be. I will never cover it up no matter what others think about it or me. And one thing I am pleased to realize is while there are many reasons to give up mental illness if we could, like the fact that it hurts us and those around us, it’s expensive for treatment, interferes with things….what other people think is not one of those reasons to give it up even if we were able to! I wouldn’t give up my illness or experiences just because someone else thinks I’m a basketcase.

Also, I receive many, many more loving comments and responses to my condition and things i post online, than unpleasant ones and those are the ones I focus on more. There are many more people who are loving and kind in general than those who are not. And the ones who aren’t can become more kind and loving. We can all evolve.

Another thing I made the choice to do in the face of this unpleasantness is ask myself how this can strengthen me, what is it teaching or reminding me, what wisdom can i realize and deepen and share with others…What virtues can i strengthen? Patience, gratitude, compassion, kindness, forgiveness….there’s always positive things to be learned and reminded of in every difficult situation.

I want to remind us all to not give anyone consent to dull our sparkle, contribute to us feeling inferior, low, anxious….anything unpleasant. The power is within us to let what they say or do, slide right off. Whatever they do or say, does not change anything about us whether it’s true or not. Think of the positive things in the world, our own self, and each other, and let the unpleasant things said and done to us go. It can’t hurt us if we don’t let it. It’s up to each of us how to respond both in our head and outwardly.

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(this isn’t my photo! My sister sent me a message as i was completing this post and i opened it and it was this pic she sent me! Perfect, right!?)

I’m wishing you much love and light, always! ❀

I hope you are having a beautiful day or night wherever in the world you are! I have a busy couple of days but everything is going well. 😍❀

“And we’re all gonna shine a light together
All shine a light to light the way
Brothers and sisters in every little part
Let our love shine a light in every corner of our hearts”

Love Shine a Light – mobile

Love Shine a Light – desktop

Hugs & lots of love,

xoxo Kim ❀

Love❀

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This week is suicide awareness week and today is suicide prevention day and I’m going to share a few things I recently shared on Facebook. ❀

 

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This is my response to someone who commented encouraging us to reach out in love to people who may be suffering with suicidal inclination because he knows the devastating effect suicide has on those who love the person who died. Suicide survivors(those who have lost someone to suicide) I believe, are suffering the most usually(grief for someone who died, human or not, is the worst kind of pain there is, IMO – though some may disagree), but it’s important to remember that a person’s life is valuable and important to save whether or not that person has close people who will be affected. And living for specific people is not our purpose. Each life is valuable on its own.Β Β 

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This is Β my new semicolon necklace! I got it yesterday! The semicolon is a symbol of continuation, just like in grammar or writing; it is used when a sentence can be ended but the person chooses to keep on writing. How inspiring! There are all kinds of jewelry and things with the semicolon used to inspire us to keep going and bring awareness to mental health issues. The word I choose for my necklace is L;ve.

Some other word choices are f;ght, warr;or, surv;vor…

(Did I spell everything right!? Lol πŸ˜‰

Here is where I got the necklace:Β https://www.etsy.com/shop/iCraftCafe

Kayce is a very compassionate girl who makes beautiful jewelry. Some of the money for some of the semicolon jewelry goes to an organization that brings awareness to mental health issues. She is very open minded and makes jewelry for just about every cause and life situation, infertility, miscarriage, depression, grief,…and just for any occasions or no occasion. She even makes urn jewelry so people can send her the ashes of someone they love, human or pet, and lost to death and she’ll put the ashes in the jewelry. And if there are ashes left over, she will throw them onto the San Diego beach if someone wants.

Isn’t that beautiful? Not necessarily that the ashes are being thrown around. I have always found that off putting throwing a corpse’s remains around but beautiful that she would do that for someone she doesn’t know. Even though I am put off by it, I would do that for a person who dies if it was her\his wish. I love to honor the dead even though I don’t believe they can know it. It’s like our last gift to them or way of keeping their memory going. My friend Diane wanted her ashes scattered on a beach when she died and that’s what her family did for her. It’s comforting to know they honored her wishes. ❀

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This pic is totally NOT intended to show off my boobs(though I see nothing wrong with that! I love me some boob pics!); it’s to show my necklace at an angle where it doesn’t show up all blurry and with a glare. This is the clearest one I got. ❀

And both of my beautiful necklaces show up mostly clearly! The other one is a Tibetan symbol necklace with the Buddhist mantra, Om Mani padme hum, the mantra associated with Avalokiteshvara, Buddha or Bodhisattva of indestructible compassion for all sentient beings.Β 

Give it a listen:

Om Mani padme hum – mobile

Om Mani padme him – desktop

https://inspirationalgem.wordpress.com/2015/09/29/protector-day-avalokiteshvara/

It’s incredibly beautiful. I played it for my dog the night before she died. It’s meant to generate loving energy and inspire feelings of love and compassion. I heard our Teacher, Gen Tenzin, at the Buddhist center, chanting it at a Powa ceremony once. A powa ceremony is a Buddhist ceremony that generates positive, loving energy and is believed by Buddhist people, to help aid the recent dead into their next lives. I only believe in one life, this one. But the ceremonies are beautiful and so loving. ❀

I am going to share another response of mine to someone who wrote me a comment. He suggested we don’t directly talk someone out of suicide but instead attempt to inspire the person to live and to love. When we directly try not to focus on something, the thing gets stronger and more difficult to ignore.

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This is an important concept, not just ending the pain but incorporating love & beauty into it until it can be eliminated if it can be and learning to live with it if not. ❀

One contributing reason many people, often children, but even adults too, kill themselves is difficulty coping with bullying, in school, workplace, anywhere. Bullying is abuse. Even if it’s not physical, it’s severe abuse. Please let’s not engage in it! Let’s include everyone in our circle, refuse to engage in malicious gossip, not smirk and whisper about others (adults do this too!), be warm and friendly to everyone and if we aren’t warm and friendly it’s OK as long as we aren’t callous and cruel.

This goes for cyber-bullying as well which is just as bad as in person bullying.

Let’s love one another instead! β€πŸ’™πŸ’šπŸ’›πŸ’œπŸ’

And here is a song to inspire us to keep going no matter how low we sink. πŸ˜€

IfΒ you’re going through hell – Rodney Atkins – mobile

If you’re going through hell – desktop

“If you’re going through hell keep going!”

How inspiring!πŸ˜€

And here’s a sweet song about getting together and loving each other, looking on the bright side:

“Let’s look ahead
With faith that things will be better
If we just look up to the light
Look to one another for love
And everything will be alright
And the world that we share
Can make us happy” ❀

Look to each other for Love – Bill Withers – mobile

Look to each other for Love – desktop

And one more song to get you pumped!Β 

“Risin’ up, straight to the top
Have the guts, got the glory
Went the distance, now I’m not gonna stop
Just a man and his will to survive” ❀

Eye of the Tiger – Survivor – mobile

Eye of the tiger – desktop

And here is a little something something to make you giggle (if you have a dirty mind, that is)

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My sister sent me this because she knows I like risquΓ© stuff. Her and my mom tell me just about everyday how “filthy” my mind is and how “you really shoulda been a guy!” And quite frequently I hear “What a pig!” Referring to me! πŸ˜­πŸ˜‚πŸ˜€

Any way, I am laughing hysterically at this. All day.

My sister said it isn’t intentionally dirty, that spongebob fell or something and someone just happened to pause it Β right there.

It took ages to convince me this isn’t intentional. And I’m still not completely convinced. It would be way more believable if not for the completely satisfied look on Squid’s face. 😍

So yeah..

Also, if you arent a perv\pig\”guy”(or whatever) like me, here is something cute to brighten your day instead:

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My adorable two year old pomchies!! ❀😍😭

They are so cute, wild, snuggly, and playful!

Please share this photo anywhere, Facebook, twitter, any social media account…. But if not that’s OK.

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(I saw this at a busstop one day! ❀)

Maybe just one person can be comforted just seeing that someone cares to share or put this sign up.

My heart goes out to all who have been touched by suicide or suicidal inclination in any way. ❀ ~hugs & love to you~

Much love, light, & inner strength to you (everyone)Β always!

;;;;; ❀

❀

Xoxo Kim πŸ˜€