Kidney donation surgery recovery update 💚

Lady in red ♥️

Lady In Red – Avid All Stars

(this is my FB post earlier lol Now it’s evening, & I’m in bed! 😁

Yup, it’s a sleezy bra pic, judge away lol

Kidney donation surgery recovery update.

Matching bra & leggings! 😆 I was getting dressed one day recently and realized they match and look pretty so had to get a pic lol Can’t see them here but my incisions are kind of purply & gnarly 😆 I think I look hella good for just having my body sliced open and an organ removed 😁

I’m recovering so well!! I’m so thankful I’m having the perfect recovery. Not one complaint except the problem with my neck being messed up under anesthesia. Overall, my energy level these last weeks since surgery have been essentially the same as before surgery. Impressive! Haven’t had fatigue at all or any serious pain related to the surgery itself! My first night home after the hospital the incision & abdominal pain was nearly unbearable. Burning pain. It kept me up at night. Thankfully after that night into the morning, it subsided. Fatigue was my main concern about donating a kidney because I’m very active. I was much more concerned about prolonged fatigue than prolonged pain. But it hasn’t been an issue at all. I only sleep at night and walk for hours a day! The only “fatigue” (it’s not even really fatigue but is a feeling like I have to stop & rest for a sec, I just called it fatigue) I have had occasionally but haven’t lately is because of a neck issue I have that was triggered by the way I was positioned while under anesthesia. They said that could happen. It’s actually more like lightheaded than fatigue though. Other than that, I am just as energetic and would be just as active as ever (still have to watch the incisions and my insides). My first days home I did as much walking/traveling as before surgery. I think that was too much, too soon because after that I did not have the motivation for that much walking, still walked a good amount though each day without getting tired usually and had a great amount of energy in general. Once in a while when I’m out walking I get the urge to sit down, it’s a kind of lightheadedness, I think, not really tired. But it goes away in a minute or two and I can continue walking a long while. I never have to take naps, haven’t taken a nap since the hospital! Just sometimes had to lay down for a minute til the lightheaded feeling passes then back up. I can feel myself getting better with each day. Many kidney donors struggle with the gas that they pump into us. I haven’t had any issues with the gas at all. No bloating or pain or anything. Once in a while I have felt a sense of pressure in different places, nothing much. I was prepared to feel pain all in my shoulders and all, which they said hurts like a biatch lol I can bend and laugh and cough, no problem! I feel that I could be back to work fully, but I know I can’t because I know my insides are still healing, and I can develop a complication if I’m not careful.

I haven’t taken any pain meds since my first day home a couple weeks ago except once in a while Tylenol for the neck issue, though nothing works for that, not even prescription pain meds or the IV meds. My lower abdomen and bladder were completely numb except the C-section-like incision. They said numbness could happen and could be permanent or temporary. I did not mind it. The feeling is beginning to come back. It’s burning pain on occasion but only mild overall. No problem to me at all. Whenever I feel a bolt of pain through my abdomen, I smile and remember what I did for someone. I am honored.

I have also been having some moderate level heartburn (ouch!). I usually don’t have that. It may be something to do with them having to move my intestines around and the intestines having to go back in place on their own. After they move our intestines out of the way and take the kidney, they sew us up and leave the intestines, and other organs they pushed aside, to find their own way back. 😳 Lol Hopefully they remember where they belong 😂🤣

My appetite is not the same as before surgery, but that was expected. I don’t have as much of an appetite and usually cannot taste food as intensely as before the surgery. I have a very strong sense of taste which is currently diminished. I also cannot eat as much. This is very common after donating a kidney and can last weeks or months. I was expecting it, but I was expecting it to be even worse. I don’t mind it. For the first days after surgery, nearly all food and drinks were repulsive to me. I was only able to eat whatever food I was in the mood for, first it was Mexican food. Then saucy stuff like mozerella sticks with sauce and pizza fries and pizza. Each day my body told me the only kind of food it would tolerate. And it was nothing healthy 😂 I wasn’t going to argue with it though, it just gave up a kidney. It can have whatever junk it wants while recovering. I’m lucky I still did have some of an appetite right away. And I could only drink soda mostly, which I generally don’t drink because it’s not healthy. My body would only accept cola usually, which we are supposed to limit with only one kidney because it can damage the remaining kidney. It’s ironic that I rarely drink it anymore, now after donating a kidney when I should not have it much it’s all I been drinking (I can only take a few sips here & there though, not guzzling bottles & bottles). But it’s only temporary. Water (and water based drinks like iced tea) was so repulsive to me, and I love water (and iced tea)! I’m slowly beginning to be able to drink it more again. Still kind of icky but healthy, so I’m trying! Now I can eat any kind of food, just very limited portions. Also been drinking electrolyte drinks some days.

I love seeing how strong my body is and how it has this amazing ability to heal itself (and someone else!). 💚

I also have been doing very well with my mood. We can develop something similar to postpartum depression or anxiety or grieve for the “lost” kidney, sometimes to the point of needing therapy or grief counseling. But I have no problems at all! Just happy and thankful!! I made the best decision and will always be happy with that decision to save a life. 💚 My kidney has a great new home, no doubt.

I have a post op appointment soon to check my kidney function and incisions.

I would never know I just donated a kidney just over two weeks ago!

Donating a kidney is easy peasy, I totally recommend it! 😁 (I’m just saying that playfully, some people have a much more difficult recovery or even serious complications, so not something to take lightly. I have compassion for people who have a difficult recovery. I just got lucky 💚)

Now I’m off to go get a caramel iced latte and go for a long walk around the city taking in all the lovely views (I never get tired of the same streets & buildings day after day, year after year lol You would think I’m a tourist in my own city). This is the life. 😁😍

#livingkidneydonor 🫘😁

💚🫘

I hope you’re having a beautiful day or night wherever in the world you are! 💚

XOXO Kim ♥️💋😘

Big day! 💚🫘

💚

He ain’t heavy, he’s my brother ❤️

Today is a *BIG* day!!

It’s Evaluation Day!!

The day I have been waiting for, hoping for, longing for, and fearing just the same!

I took off work for this! And I never take off work! I work seven days, morning through evening.

I’m going in for an mri, ct scan, ekg & vascular testing, chest x-ray, blood testing, a urinalysis, and who knows what else! Six hours straight of non stop medical testing head to toe at University of Pennsylvania Hospital Kidney Transplant Center! Yippee! I’m over the moon! Floating in the clouds. This is the day that will determine (along with a couple other things, but this is the main thing) if my kidney gets a new home in a couple months! 😱

I’m beyond honored just for this opportunity to be evaluated. It took a three hour psych evaluation, some preliminary medical testing, interviews with the transplant team, applications and paperwork, dr appointments, to be qualified to get to this point. I’m so thankful we’re finally here!!

If all goes as planned, out of the blue a random unsuspecting person will get The Call that 20+ years will suddenly, unexpectedly, be added to their life with a greatly enhanced quality so they can live an almost normal life. That warms my heart.

Many years ago I read a story in a magazine about a man who donated his kidney to a random stranger because he had two healthy kidneys while someone else did not even have one. That inspired me and planted the seed in my mind. I just knew that would be me one day, and here we are all these years later!

No matter what, in the end, at least I can say I tried. 💚

I’m wishing you a beautiful day or night wherever in the world you are!

#letsfuckingdothis 😂
#bringiton
#wegotthis
#wishusluck
#sharingthespare
#onesenough
#everyoneisfamily
#thisiswhatloveis
#nothingsgonnastopusnow

Xoxo Kim 💋😘

Sometimes the only choice is…🖤

Sometimes the only choice is how you face it.

Topic: Death, dying, illness, end of life, acceptance

I watched “Extremis” and “End Game” on Netflix, two non fiction documentaries about what it’s like to be terminally ill and what it’s like to be caregivers (doctors/family) of terminally ill people. They aren’t negative or unpleasant documentaries even though they show real sick people dying in their hospital beds or hooked up to machines with tubes in their bodies, and grieving families. And while they are full of intense emotion that is sure to provoke intense emotion in the viewers, they aren’t even sad. Sadness is for sure one emotion that is involved in the documentaries, even some of the healthcare professional people display sadness and distress at seeing their patients and patients’ families like that, but it’s not the core of them. They remind us that end of life is inevitable, there’s no getting around it. They portray it as not inherently bad and not inherently medical, even when a young person gets sick and dies, it’s just part of living. I think many, even most of us, tend to forget that or at least have difficulty accepting it especially when we are in the situation either struggling with illness ourselves or knowing someone, personally, who is.

I have to have medical testing done to see what is in my neck compressing my jugular vein, it could be serious or minor. Occasionally I experience anxiety and anticipate the intense fear that is coming having to have a scan on my head/neck to see what is inside my body obstructing the vein connected to my heart & brain. Some points it’s literally unbearable just to think of. I found that the documentaries and the acceptance attitude of illness, death, and dying ease my health anxiety. Death & dying are going to happen whether it’s in utero, one day old, 6 months old, 5 years old, 20 years old, 15 years old, 38 years old, 45 years old, 50 years old, 65 years old, 78 years old, or 80+ years old. There’s no point trying to reject it or cling to life when our own time is up. It’s easier to have this philosophy than feel it with emotion and feel it physically. Intellectually we can know it is what it is and has to happen sooner or later, but that doesn’t mean emotionally it’s easy to accept.

While I hold that philosophy also and know it’s the truth, I felt my body physically rejecting the idea that it could be sick or dying in the not very distant future, it recoiled, tensed, and ached at the thought and even felt gripped in panic on occasion, even when my mind said it is what it is. But seeing the scenes in the documentaries of how terminally ill people experience end of life and the compassionate doctors reminding us that life & death are inextricably linked, and the end is coming to us all at one point or another, eased that fear. To see those dying people in their beds and see them through the lens of knowing that will be all of us, even me, one day, eases some of the anxiety. To see them as other and keep hoping against hope that that won’t be us one day only aggravates the anxiety, even exacerbating it to terror level fear, clinging to false hope that we know deep inside is false doesn’t help. Accepting what is eventually coming whether it be tomorrow or in a few decades is so much more bearable. Hope only brings anxiety when it means clinging to something that can never be. Sometimes hope works against us and acceptance is more fitting and in our best interest. It’s realistic for most young & healthy people to hope that won’t be us soon. But it could be. And accepting that it’s coming sooner or later and seeing ourselves in the dying can ease health anxiety or anxiety about the future.

As I watched those sick people of various ages in the documentaries, I found it helpful to see those people as those who got there before me instead of seeing them as people who are experiencing something terrible that I hope I never will. I have a choice to lean into the hope or lean into the acceptance. Each one has their place at different points. One may serve us at one point and the other at a different point depending upon circumstances and various factors and context.

There is no sense of “other” in these documentaries when interacting with dying people, it isn’t like us lucky heathy & them poor sick people and no sense of “those poor unfortunate souls,” there is a constant awareness that later we’ll all be in their place, even the healthy, strong, young ones now taking care of the fragile sick will be laying there in the beds of the sick & dying later. It’s just a knowing. Instead of us & them, it’s only us, in this together all getting our own turn whenever our turn arrives, which it will. Countless others have walked this path before us and countless more will after us. We’re just one in an endless cycle of an infinite amount of others. I found that a combination of my somewhat advanced age, my potential health concern, and these documentaries really made that sink in for me. Sometimes the feeling is a neutral one, and other occasions it’s unpleasant or anxiety provoking. But ultimately, it just is.

Inherently, dying isn’t good or bad and just is a fact of life. The negative connotation is something that society projects onto it. Of course it’s sad to think about not being here anymore and may seem unfair to be diagnosed as terminally ill at 45 years old right in the middle of life or at 20 years old when it hardly even had a chance to begin or at 65 years old before even getting a chance to be old, and it’s devastating for friends & family and others who know and love the sick & dying. But viewing it through that lens of compassionate acceptance (not indifference) and it being inherently inescapable makes it more calming.

And of course dying in very old age is different than dying in youth or middle age of an illness that comes out of the blue and shocks us. But no matter what, we have to face our mortality at one point or another at whatever age it comes to us. This isn’t to say prevention is pointless or that we should reject treatment if it can help extend life with a good quality and isn’t to say fear, grief, devastation surrounding the idea of death, dying, & illness aren’t valid, and not saying it’s not tragic when someone gets sick or dies early, only to say it is ultimately inescapable, and helps to remember that with gentle acceptance.

Also, all patients should have doctors this compassionate and warm.

I don’t think my issue is serious, and my whole body feels healthy and energetic and full of life, I look healthy and have all healthy medical test results other than a seemingly obstructed jugular vein on the left side and a severe headache here & there. But it can be easy on occasion to get carried away with dark thoughts, and once anxiety comes along and latches onto a terrible dark thought, it can be hard to let it go, it can grow and take on a life of its own, making up a big story that there is no real basis for. And it can be hard to live with that story playing over and over and hard to see with the reasonable part of the brain that that story is unlikely and that there’s no true evidence for it. During those moments of distress and panic and anticipation it’s more calming & comforting to think why NOT now instead of trying to reject it and wonder why it has to be now instead of much later. It’s more gentle and easier to bear while leaning into that aspect that it’s coming sooner or later anyway, coming to us all.

What’s the difference if it’s 37 year old me or 87 year old me?

When it’s our turn to go, it’s our turn. 💔❤️

Here is a recent picture of me. If you look closely at my neck, you can see where blood is pooling into the valve of my vein making it protrude. This is the vein that connects to the heart & brain, and when my blood is trying to flow to my heart as it should, it can’t get past something that is blocking it and is backing up into my head. That itself is not necessarily very serious (there are other veins sending blood to my heart), but whatever is causing it could be. Next week I’ll be getting a scan to see inside my body to find the cause then will have to wait for the phone call with the results. That thought is occasionally very distressing. Sometimes it’s deep sadness while other occasions it’s overwhelming fear. But overall, I don’t let it affect my joy each day. I am at a point where I can hope for the best, but I also lean into that acceptance of uncertainty and an eventual end whether it be soon or in a few decades.

It’s the heart that fears the breaking

That never learns to dance.

It’s the dream afraid of waking

That never takes the chance

It’s the one who won’t be taken

Who cannot seem to give

And the soul afraid of dying

That never learns to live ❤️

Death twitches my ear; ‘Live,’ he says… ‘I’m coming’ 🖤

I am wishing love, light, & health to everyone everywhere and hoping you are having a beautiful day or night wherever in the world you are. ❤️

Xoxo Kim 😍

Love 💕💜

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  Processed with VSCO with ku4 preset

“Bravery can never be measured by a lack of fear. It takes guts to tremble. It takes so much tremble to love.”

Much love, Kim xoxo ❤️💕💜

More good news!!!❤

(Photo not mine)

Hero – Mariah Carey
Look inside you and be strong
And you’ll finally see the truth
That a hero lies in you❤

Yes, I love being the bearer of happy news!! 😁

A lady who I know, named Susan, told me last week about a rowing competition she was going to be in over the weekend. She’s very good at it and it’s one of her passions. She asked me to say a little prayer for her. I don’t pray but I did try to send some positive energy her way. Not that I believe that would help her win but it can’t hurt! And, like prayer, it can help let people know we wish them well.

I hoped she would win just as much as if I was in the competition myself and wanted to win! And I just found out today that she won FIRST PLACE!! I’m so, so happy!

She showed me her medal and it’s beautiful! Some parts of it are pink! 💗

When I was thinking about preparing this blog post just to share my good news, I thought it would be sweet to share an inspirational quote along with it and this one popped into my head.

The only disability in life is a bad attitude.

Susan has a dog who is physically disabled, permanently. He developed spinal stenosis a couple years ago and his vet suggested Susan and her mom (who she lives with) have him euthanized but they knew that wasn’t the answer. They love him like their kid/grandkid and saw potential in him. (He is not suffering in any way or in pain; he just cannot walk on his own or stand up)

So as part of my job, I visit them and help a physical therapist help Bandit walk again. He needs a cart/doggy wheelchair but he can move his legs again and even run sometimes! He just cannot hold himself up without his cart on wheels.

He is a very happy and spoiled and healthy ten year old boy! He loves treats, kisses, and toys! And bubbles! He can now move his legs more and pull himself up but not stand. Also, he recently began to “run” in his sleep! His little legs move back and forth. So cute! Actually, he’s a big mountain dog so his legs aren’t little!

Bandit gives me bunches of wet, sloppy kisses while we’re putting him in his wheelchair! Sometimes, he kisses me so much, it’s hard to get the job done!😍😁 Mary & Susan say I’m his favorite girl!

After thinking of this quote and thinking it’s a great quote for this post since Bandit has a disability, I remembered Susan also has a physical disability. She was born permanently paralyzed at the waist down. She is also very happy and healthy. I never thought of her own disability while planning this post and even after thinking about this quote. When I think of Susan, I think only of her positive disposition, her kindness for others, and her bright smile, and love for her dog.

Susan and her mom are both very loving, positive people. They’re universal lovers, like me. They welcome anyone into their house for holidays or events so no one has to be alone(If I lived alone, I would do this too!).

Susan’s mom, Mary, is 86 years old and very healthy! She has arthritis and osteoporosis but she gets around very well and her doctor told her she’ll live to be over 100 years old with the great health she’s in!

Susan, Mary, and Bandit all have physical limitations but they don’t let that stop them ever. Very inspiring!

We may have a physical disability, learning disability, or psychological disability like depression or anxiety but the true disability is a bad attitude.

A bad attitude will disable us much more than a medical disability ever can. There are people with no arms and legs, deaf/blind people, ones with chronic illness and pain, people with depression/anxiety, very old people, those who are grieving…who have achieved remarkable things while in their state. There are dogs and cats with only three legs or less and ones with legs that don’t work and are still happy.

Susan, & Bandit, & Mary are examples.

A medical disability doesn’t disable us. Disabled people are very able! It’s our attitude that holds us back when it’s not good.

And we have control over our attitude. Even if we can’t change it this very moment, we can work on it in small ways to make it better and better if it’s currently negative. Make gratitude lists, meditate, positive affirmations, looking at the bright side, focus on the beauty all around….all ways to be more positive. Even mental health issues and attitude can be separated. We can have depression or anxiety but still have a positive attitude about it.

So let’s remember to turn that frown upside down and be positive! We aren’t disabled unless we choose to be.

The main point of my post was originally to share Susan’s good news but there’s so much inspiration in her story so I’m also sharing the life lessons!

I hope you are having a beautiful day or night wherever in the world you are! ❤❤❤

Xoxo Kim

Valerie❤

(Valerie 💛)

So cool, she was like
Jazz on a summer’s day
Music, high and sweet
Then she just blew away
Now she can’t be that warm
With the wind in her arms
Valerie, call on me
Call on me, Valerie

Valerie – Steve Winwood

Recently, one of my social media friends, Valerie, died by suicide. Isn’t this so absolutely terrible?!?! She was born in August 1965 & died in August 2018. I did not know her in person or talk to her much on social media or know her well but can see she was a sweet person with a pure heart. The news about her death is like being stabbed in the gut, especially because it seems so senseless like it did not have to happen. Valerie was like me, very open & accepting and added/accepted everyone as social media friends. Her life philosophy, loving & including everyone, resonates with me deeply. I can even call her one of my soul sisters as our energy/vibration has been on the same wavelength.

Valerie loved coffee, music, people, and animals.

I always wished I had her name because I love the song by Steve Winwood! Recently, before she died, I was in Rite Aid and got a bottle of soda and chose the one with her name and thought of her.

She posted a lot of sweet, beautiful, and inspiring messages and also a bunch of (very liberal) political rants. I do not agree with all that she shared or the way she shared some of it (sometimes sarcastic) but a lot of her posts resonate with me. The reason I am sharing here that I did not always agree with her is as a reminder that we can disagree with someone but still love that person and still be friends. This was also her philosophy of life so I want to share it to honor her.

(She shared this)

Love songs fill the night
But they don’t tell it all
Not how lovers cry out
Just like they’re dying
Her cries hang there, in time,
Somewhere, someday,
Some good wind
May blow her back to me
Some night I may hear
Her like she used to be
No it can’t be that warm
With the wind in her arms
Valerie, call on me
Call on me, Valerie

Here are just a few posts on Valerie’s facebook account, most of it shared by her and a couple she is tagged in by others and liked:

(This makes me laugh hysterically 😂🤣)

(That’s Valerie’s writing under the pic)

(I wish Valerie would have remembered this when she made that ultimate choice out of fear & pain 💔)

(I dont care if people dont repost this. I dont repost these things that demand us to to repost or try to make us seem cold and non-caring. Im only posting this here to show Valerie’s kind heart.)

This is a small thing I am doing to keep Valerie’s lovelight going after her death.

She was a strong person but also tender and sensitive in a way. She wanted to be loved, noticed, called beautiful…

She was open about her depression and struggle and some of these posts show what it was like for her. She was clearly a strong person who kept winning these battles in her war of depression but one moment she chose to give into that despair and now her war is over but so is everything else about her. All of her interests, memories, activities each day, her voice, her smile, any new acts of kindness she would have performed, any chance of healing, all of her ways and everything that made her her…..all gone forever.

I know it felt like it then but it wasn’t worth it to end it all just to end that horrible pain. The world needs MORE like Valerie and now she just made it so there’s one less.

So I’m doing my part to continue her light & lavish her love onto others.

Sweet Valerie.

We can see by all these messages she believed in that she was very wise but she still made the choice to take her own life. This is because all it takes is a split second to forget all that wisdom and beauty and give into the darkness. But deep within, she still held that wisdom. We all do. Please let’s remember to hold onto what we know even when it feels impossible to hold on. I have no question of “why” like many people do. I know why. I completely understand why a person would take her own life. It makes complete sense to me but it’s not a good thing to do. She killed everything she was all just to end her pain.

Like I said, Valerie and me weren’t close. I hardly knew her. I hope all the love/healing thoughts will be for her close family & friends first. My love goes out to them and also to everyone else affected by this tragic loss, including her social media friends. What heartbreak.

She struggled hard but all she wanted was others to be happy and to take away their pain. 💔❤

I’m so thankful for the opportunity to share her love here. I hope it will inspire others like she wanted. Valerie was a beautiful soul inside & out.

If I could have taken away her pain, even if I had to bear it myself, I would have.❤💗

To anyone struggling like Valerie was or anyone grieving, I love you!! Please keep going. ❤ ~Hugs~

Much love,

Xoxo Kim

Phobia.

Roll With It – Steve Winwood

“When life is too much, roll with it, baby
Don’t stop and lose your touch, oh no, baby
Hard times knocking on your door
I’ll tell them you ain’t there no more
Get on through it, roll with it, baby
Luck’ll come and then slip away
You’ve gotta move, bring it back to stay
You just roll with it, baby
Come on and just roll with it, baby
You and me, roll with it, baby”

Recently, I chose to do something incredibly brave, to aid in my recovery. Every part of my body was telling me to run. There were all kinds of physical sensations all over my body, unpleasant ones, including light-headedness, fear, dry mouth, trembling sensations in my hands & legs, heart pounding…but some intuition deep inside was telling me to stay. The physical urge to run was much more easy to listen to and I was tempted. But I made up my mind. The intuition deep within is the wise voice, softer, gentler, just a whisper to “stay” next to that loud screaming “RUN” but definitely wiser. And I wont let the voice of fear drown the voice of wisdom.

So I chose to STAY.

I was standing before an elevator, alone, on the 2nd floor of a building. Right next to the elevator is a door to the stairs. I could have easily walked through the doorway to the stairs and walked down in less than a minute, which is what my intense fear was urging me to do.

But I chose to listen to that quiet but strong intuition telling me to empower myself, not my fear. For me to continuously avoid my fear (of small, closed in places, especially alone in elevators), at all costs, is to feed that fear. To give it power.

For me to face my fear, no matter how immense, no matter how suffocating, traumatic, terrible it is, is to loosen its grip on me, release me of its bondage and empower myself.

This is a fear so incredibly powerful, it knocks the wind out of me and weakens my body. I become lightheaded & disoriented and feel as if I may actually die. I have to face it & embrace it to conquer it. A cruel, twisted kind of irony to have to subject myself to the very thing that scares me most, but it is what it is.

I would have taken the stairs in this building anyway as it was only the 2nd floor but I saw this as an opportunity to evolve and I took it.

So I bravely stepped into that elevator and pushed the “1” button with my near trembling finger and watched in dismay as the doors closed on me, completely expunging my sense of control and actual control. The second the doors close, I am no longer in a position to choose. I cannot choose to run, to change my mind and take the stairs as I cant open an elevator on my own.

As the doors close, I instantly wonder if I have made a bad mistake. Maybe I should have run, taking the safe route, the easy way, the stairs. Sometimes, in buildings, we don’t have access to the stairs and I have no choice. But on this occasion, I had a choice and chose to lock myself in a big, mechanical box, alone.

But instead of completely breaking down, I stood strong and focused on my breath, each inhalation & exhalation and I became one with that breath. I felt the fear every few seconds, trying to get the best of me, that impending sense of panic threatening to overtake me, and acknowledged that fear then let it go. I felt it dissipate with each in breath & out breath. And before I knew it, there were the elevator doors wide open, inviting me to walk out into the rest of my day. Simple as that.

See, it’s really not so bad, is it?

But what if….

What if…the doors wouldn’t have opened?

What if…i would have been stuck in there all by myself?!

What if…the elevator malfunctioned and no one knew until way later or ever???

What if…one occasion it just doesn’t open and im stuck in there alone forever?!?!?!

What if….those incessant what ifs…relentless & plaguing…

After the doors close and sometimes even when Im not on an elevator but recently got out of one or will soon have to get inside one or sometimes just thinking about it, these are the thoughts that ensue. These what if’s…

But “what if…” doesn’t matter. What IS, is what does matter. And whatever is just is and that is that. I will breathe and focus and roll with it and endure until it’s over. And it will be over eventually, whatever “it” is.

After stepping off of the elevator, I planned to go right to another elevator and step inside, just to face my fear again.

And while it’s very helpful and wise and necessary to face our phobic fear again and again and again, there is such a thing as “too much, too soon” and “overdoing.” I know the value of breaks and rest and moderation and balance. Preserving energy and choosing wisely is a good thing. Generally, we have to keep facing this fear and not running. But a break when needed is also necessary. I felt that running directly to another elevator would have been more draining and detrimental than good. This may not always be the case but this moment, it was. Deep inside, I knew a rest is what I needed then, not more trauma.

Remember to keep going but also remember to rest when needed. Running, falling, once in a while is ok. Just keep getting back up!

Im not recovered. Not even halfway to recovery. And I may still have relapses and probably will before & even after full recovery. Who knows? But I discovered a place in me with a strong foundation that isn’t easy to be demolished and can be rebuilt even if it is.

Im not sorry to have encountered this struggle. I dont wish it never happened to me and dont necessarily wish it would just go away. Of course, I want this fear to heal and thats why im doing all this work. But i dont mind it. It’s a gift to have this opportunity to get better and have deeper empathy for others in similar situations. I see so much beauty in it.

Just last month, I think, my fear was so frequent, so intense, so debilitating, I became depressed and suicidal. I could hardly hold a toothbrush. I wanted to die just knowing that it’s possible to be trapped in an elevator alone. Just knowing it’s possible. Not even because it may happen. Just because it’s possible. My depression became an entity of its own and was not even just about the fear anymore.

Now here I am. Strong and still standing.

I want to share it because i believe we all have that strength to endure any battle and be even better for it. We all have the strength to see beauty in any struggle and to reach out to others in any way we can, to inspire and uplift, or just listen and understand.

The way to recover is to seize opportunities to practice no matter how difficult it is. It is very, very difficult but worth the struggle, the trauma, the pain, the terror.

Im not posting this to brag. Lol Im posting this because one night I was laying in my bed desperately longing to meet someone. A strong woman with some sort of severe phobia, preferably one similar to my own but any would do. I pined for a woman who faces her worst fear and lives to tell about it. A woman who conquered or conquers that fear. One who chose to rise above and lift others along the way.

I laid in my bed and fantasized and hoped so much to meet this strong, confident woman, either in person, in a book, or online and dreamed of being cloaked in her strength, enveloped in her compassion, lifted by her motivation, and empowered by her story. Inspired by her light.

I wanted to find blogs, books, stories… that chronicle her experiences.

I wanted to find this woman somewhere, anywhere, but couldn’t find her.

Then it hit me….

I can be this woman.

I am this woman.

I’m her.

So here I am, sharing my great fear and hoping to inspire, lift, help empower, and console someone who is struggling.

If you are someone who is struggling with a phobia/anxiety of any sort, maybe a social phobia/anxiety, or fear involving being on an airplane when you have to get on one(I have to get on elevators for work and feel your pain!), insects, or maybe a less common fear like fear of swallowing or fear of dolls, maybe a fear of dogs or noises… or any difficult situation, I embrace you in my love & am cheering you on. We all have different triggers but it’s that terrible, breathtaking panic & fear, outright terror, that we can all relate to.

Keep going. You got this!

Xoxo Kim❤

It actually freaking happened!!!!

(Not my photo)

I wrote this a few days ago and lost the courage to post it lol

Ahhh, fuck me, it finally happened!

Is someone kidding me or what?!

If you read my post here, you’re not going to believe this but it happened!

I GOT STUCK ON AN ELEVATOR BY MYSELF!!!! lol I promise I’m not joking.

(I would probably be too terrified to joke about that! 😲😨😱😭😢)

I’m really amused. I’m just laughing at the irony. It reminds me of the Alanis Morrissette song ‘cept my ironic predicament isn’t nearly as grave.

“Mr. Play It Safe was afraid to fly
He packed his suitcase and kissed his kids goodbye
He waited his whole damn life to take that flight
And as the plane crashed down he thought
‘Well isn’t this nice…‘
And isn’t it ironic… Don’t you think“

Alanis Morissette – Ironic

Somehow, somewhere in the back of my mind, I felt safe. As terrified as I was about getting trapped on an elevator by myself, some part of me believed with everything I have in me, that since I’m so scared of being trapped in one, it’s not going to happen. (This probably isn’t a statistically correct way of reasoning) What are the chances, right?!

Wrong!! It’s like the uni-verse got a consciousness and decided to play some cruel joke on me. Some twisted, sicko, psycho joke.

Tuesday, for work, I had to go to Center City, Philadelphia to visit this cutie:

When I got onto an elevator and the doors closed, I did what I really shouldn’t do and watched the digital floor numbers. When I watch, it feels like an eternity before they change. Just like waiting for food in an oven to be complete. Keep checking and it’s not getting done. Lol It just feels that way.

So anyway, I got on an elevator on the 4th floor, the doors closed, I watched the 4 and it was taking way too long to change and I told myself it’s just the usual thing where because I’m watching and waiting, it seems like forever. But no. Five seconds later, 10, 20, a minute (!!!!!) later and elevator is not moving and the red 4 is just there. Wwhhhaaattt?!?! And I’m waiting for panic to settle in.

But it doesn’t. I feel calm as can be. Wwhhhaaattt?!?! Me, stuck inside an elevator by myself and just a little tinge of anxiety?!?!

My heart began beating a little bit faster and my hands were a bit trembly but no panic or intense fear.

I pushed the “call” button and “alarm” button and they wouldn’t do 💩. The call button made a brief ringing noise but no one answered. I kept pushing them alternately, call, alarm, call, alarm. The alarm did nothing at all and call kept ringing with no answer. One thing I found comforting was the fact that I heard the janitor through the elevator doors. So I started knocking loudly on the doors and yelling “excuse me!” But no one answered me.

Then the elevator started calling out floor numbers and its voice started becoming jumbled and it was quickly calling out numbers that weren’t showing on the screen and the voice was speeding up. Then the elevator started going up instead of down, which was what I was trying to do, go down to the lobby.

Then a new fear crept in. The elevator seemed to be going berserk and I wondered if it was going to drop & crash and crush me to death or something. So this is my death day, for a second I was really wondering.

When it got to the 10th floor, it finally opened!!! And there was a kind young man holding an adorable golden puppy in his arms. I got off the elevator and explained what happened and told him he may not want to get on that one since it was just malfunctioning.

He thanked me and expressed empathy and told me it must have been scary. He had no idea! Probably a bit scary for anyone but a girl with the phobic fear I struggle with!? Since he seemed so warm & understanding, I told him about my immense fear and how I worked on myself, including professional therapy, to heal the fear, and he was so understanding! So here I was spilling my guts to a complete stranger in a hallway. And he listened so well. Im so touched!❤

I thought I was going to have a complete breakdown. Not because I felt like I was going to. I actually did not feel that way. But because I’m me and that’s what I do at the mere thought of being trapped in an elevator alone, break down. Lol

But I’m still standing!

It hit me harder when I got home at night. Still no panic or breakdowns but fear & anger. Im not sure what Im angry at but it’s just so bizarre and twisted that my worst nightmare actually came true. Law of attraction much? Lol

I’m so freaked out and don’t know what to make of it.

And I’m not completely sure why I did not panic while in the elevator or after it was all over. Looks like all my personal development work really paid off! I wasn’t sure if I was just shocked and too numb to feel fullblown fear but even later after it was all over and the shock wore off, I still wasn’t a wreck.

But right now thinking about being stuck in an elevator, I can’t imagine not panicking. It seems scarier in my head than it is in reality.

I used to hurt myself impulsively if I thought I was going to be stuck in an elevator. I would be so overcome in terror, I would go into a panic and scratch myself with my fingernails until my skin would bleed or I would just squeeze part of my body really hard, like not on purpose but just automatically. I even did this recently on an elevator but Tuesday I did not hurt myself at all or even think about it or have an urge to.

For as long as I can remember, I have recurring nightmares, off and on, about being trapped on an elevator by myself or just having to go on one and being terrified. When I was recently stuck in one, when I first realized it was happening, it felt like I was reliving one of my nightmares that happen when I sleep. That feeling only occurred at first then wore off.

So nightmares really do come true! 😉

Isn’t it ironic?

A little too ironic. 😃

And reading this, it may seem that I was in there a long while but it was really less than five minutes. I felt more like it was an inconvenience than a terrifying experience.

Hugs to everyone who wants any!

Much love & light,

Xoxo Kim ❤

Welcome to rock bottom -the only way now is UP

“Face to face, out in the heat

Hanging tough, staying hungry

They stack the odds still we take to the street

For the kill with the skill to survive”🐯

Eye of the Tiger – Survivor

Here is a post I wrote a couple days ago and just edited it a bit.

“Welcome to Rock Bottom

One day, after another routinely dreadful morning, I sat in my car looking at our office and thinking, ‘I DO NOT want to go in there. I hate my job. I can’t stand Frank. I don’t make enough money. I am so underutilized! Should I leave the company? Would I even be missed? What’s the point of all this anyway? Is this really my life? This can’t be my life.’ And there it was. I had finally reached it—I was at rock bottom. As I mentioned, I believe rock bottom is the moment when you finally find the power and the strength you’ve always been lacking to change your today and go on to create a better tomorrow. I knew I couldn’t get any lower, and at that moment, I realized that all of the training, coaching, reading, and inspiring I’d engaged in just a few years earlier had not disappeared completely. I started to sense something deep within. There was still a tiny spark of hope that things could get better. That internal spark was like a smothered flame that just needed a little air, and as soon as I realized the spark was there, it was as if someone poured kerosene on it. I started to think: ‘If my circumstances won’t change, maybe I can change the way I look at my circumstances, and maybe as a result, they actually WILL change.'”

These are wise words by Kevin Clayson, author of Flip the Gratitude Switch. I have experienced “rock bottom” before, just like he mentions here, where it’s like I just can’t get any lower, so desperate, plummeting to the lowest depths of my despair, until I can’t possibly sink any lower. Pulled deeper and deeper and deeper into some dark, seemingly endless abyss when finally I realize there is an end. And I have reached it.

What do we do when our world is crumbling on top of us, when everything shatters, when it’s hard to stand, so difficult just to live & breathe, and we are pulled so low we can’t go any lower?

We rise.

Usually when I have experienced this “rock bottom,” it’s with depression and sometimes when my chronic physical pain disorder is flaring up to what seems like unbearable levels and my body is wracked in physical agony beyond belief. The only way I can get lower when I’m like this, is to be put in the ground. I haven’t experienced these things in a long while. My physical pain disorder has been doing so well. I have been experiencing mild to no pain each & every day. Thanking my lucky stars! And I can’t even remember when I was last depressed! I’m so happy!

But it’s true, this morning I realized I have hit “rock bottom.” A different kind of rock bottom. Not depression of any kind or physical pain. But still I have found my self in a very low place in this life. Two months ago, I think it was, October, I wasn’t depressed or in physical pain but was in Hell everyday for a couple weeks. It ended for a while and now is back!🙊😱

This Hell I speak of is fear. Terror. Not just a bit of anxiety. Fullblown fear. It’s not fear in general but about a specific thing. As I mentioned here, in a post titled Serendipitous Strength, I used to be deathly afraid of being closed in small places that I can’t just get out of the second I want to, especially elevators and especially when I’m alone. I have been this way for as long as I can remember. Why is a mystery. As a child, I had breakdowns going on elevators even with my mom & dad.

I healed myself. It is an incredible accomplishment and awe-inspiring. The fact that I had a relapse doesn’t matter. It doesnt change how incredible it is. I healed this fear once and can and will heal it again.

I never worked on this fear specifically but during my personal development journey, my quest to find healing, working on myself to help heal my depression and cope with tmjd “cluster headaches” without realizing it, I was conquering my fear of being closed in. With my personal development plan I teach myself and train my brain to know I can handle and conquer anything. To know I will always be free no matter what position I’m in in this life. To know life is a gift no matter what. To see positivity and opportunity in any situation no matter how dreadful. I trained my brain with meditation and quotes and music and songs and writing to stay calm and composed for the most part, in any situation no matter what, no matter how painful physically or emotionally. (Out of my post Serendipitous Strength)

The #1 one thing that helps me with my fear is my Buddhist studies, not even just meditation but the writings I read even when I don’t put them into practice as intended. Just the reads are so powerful. All of these other things, quotes, songs, basic mindfulness…, helped me to a great extent, with depression & chronic pain and when I found Kadampa Buddhism, I found deeper healing and healing for this fear.

Somewhat recently, I suffered a relapse and my old fear returned to me with a vengeance. The second the elevator doors close and I’m on there alone, my first thought is “I’m screwed” and a sense of panic arises.

For work, I sometimes have to get on elevators. For about ten months I had to seven days a week, mostly by myself. Thankfully my fear was healed. But in a fraction of a second, while on an elevator, by myself, I suffered a relapse. I made the mistake of watching the numbers go up and waiting for the doors to open and you know when we watch & wait, a second feels like forever. I felt the doors took a second longer than usual to open and that’s all it took to bring that breath-taking fear crashing back into me. Flooded with terror, when the door finally opened, I stumbled into the hallway, trembling inside & out, legs like jelly, dizzy, panicked.

And my fear has been with me since then. I no longer have to be on an elevator every single day anymore and that may be part of the problem. I’m no longer accustomed to it and no longer have that chance to practice being calm on an elevator everyday. Now with those two things, the relapse & being out of touch with elevators, I nearly fall to pieces when I have to get on one by myself. I’m not scared anymore if I’m on an elevator with a dog or a human.

What if the elevator malfunctions while I’m on there myself and I’m trapped inside a box for who knows how long? My worst nightmare. I know I can handle it. My conviction is strong. But I don’t always feel that I can handle it. My conviction never falters. I know anyone can handle anything if we train our brain and adjust our attitude. But sometimes I focus too much on the feeling of not being able to handle it. And i fear if i get trapped, I will become a blubbering wreck and never recover. Two or more weeks away and when I think of it, my head is in turmoil.

(Photo not mine)

I am not someone who curses a lot out loud, in writing, or in my head. It’s not that I think it’s wrong. I love when people curse a lot. Lol It’s just not me. But early, this morning I was walking up a street thinking about how in a few weeks I will be required to get onto an elevator(the doors for staircases in some buildings open to get outside but are locked on the outside to get upstairs so elevators are generally required), most likely alone, and everyday for at least a week, and how I’m going to be living & breathing fear, I’m going to be a total wreck in my head, just like two months ago, and I just thought Fuck this shit. Seriously, fuck it. I am done. Not done with life or with work. I am done being conquered by this fear. So done. And I realized I have hit rock bottom two months ago and am still here now. And I remembered Mr. Clayson’s story about how rock bottom is our opportunity to rise above. I will rise above this fear. I will conquer it.

How? I’m not quite sure but I know I will. I will discipline my brain. And I have a few things in mind. More intensive Dharma practice & gratitude practice, The Work, rhythmic breathing, desensitization…

There is no place for this fear. I don’t want it and I won’t have it. I don’t have to accept it because it can be changed. Two months ago I found it difficult to focus on anything other than this fear. I spilled coffee all over because my hands were trembling, My legs were shaky and I was lightheaded. After getting off an elevator, it took me so long to recover, those mornings & nights. Outside I probably looked a bit shaken up but inside, I was wrecked. (I did face my fear and kept getting on elevators though, {BY MYSELF, ALONE!!!, ME!!! On an elevator ALONE!!! Whhhaaattt?! Holy guacamole!} which is a display of great strength & courage. I did what I had to do while not repressing my fear) I felt that I couldn’t even stand up straight each day.

This is unacceptable and I will change it. Whatever it takes. I will not avoid elevators and will not put up with this terror. And there’s no place for it in my world. It’s not welcome here and I do not have to accept it.

I healed my fear mostly with Buddhist philosophy. And I will again. This is the main thing that brought me so much deep healing and I know without a doubt, it will again. I just have to concentrate.

Recently, I received a Dorje Shugden Empowerment and I am totally counting on it (& my previous Empowerments) helping me cope with & heal this fear.

Om vajra wiki witrana söha.

OM AH RA PA TSA NA DHI

Just like Mr. Clayson shares in the excerpt above, it can feel like all our previous strength, wisdom, personal development is down the drain, but it’s not. Somewhere deep inside, there is strength, wisdom, courage even if it seems to be long gone or seems like we never had any to begin with.

What I am promoting here is not necessarily any specific techniques like gratitude, meditation, conscious breathing or philosophy like Buddhist philosophy, though I do generally promote those. Here, I am just suggesting that we rise above our fear, pain, struggles…and keep going. Keep moving up. Pro-act. Let’s not sink to the bottom and stay there. Do something. Whatever it takes. Whether it’s professional help, meditation, personal development books, exercise, gratitude practice…find something, do something, and just keep going.

(Photo not mine)

It can be done. I did this before and if you are reading this now, so can you. I was able to make the choice to face a fear so powerful that I feel it can drive me insane, like I will lose all sense of language and awareness…, face it & conquer it and completely overcome it. Whatever your issue is, grief, fear, depression, addiction of any sort or something that may seem less serious…you can face it and overcome it. It’s not the problem itself that is actually the problem; it’s how we attach to it, perceive it, view it, react to it…and we have a choice to change that.

“I choose to FIGHT BACK! I choose to RISE, not fall! I choose to LIVE, not die! And I know, I know that what’s within me is also WITHIN YOU.”

We can & we will.

I am here cheering you on right along with cheering myself on. I have a lot of work to do and it’s every bit worth it. Keep going.

“When you’re at the end of your rope, tie a knot and hold on!!”

Much love & light & strength to you,

Xoxo Kim❤

P.s Elevators are the worst invention in the history of ever!!! I have a few choice words for the inventor! Blahhh!!!

Claudia.

(NOT my photo but so lovely)

“Sometimes people are beautiful. Not in looks. Not in what they say. Just in what they are.”

Today I met a strong, beautiful woman named Claudia. Shortly after meeting her I had a rare thought. I thought:

I like her. I want to be like her.

It’s not rare for me to like someone but for me to actually, necessarily want to be like someone is rare. When I had the thought, it wasn’t unpleasant or negative or jealous or in a competitive way. It was more like me being so inspired by another woman’s beauty (not physical beauty, though Claudia is beautiful inside & out) which resonates so much with my own, that I want to reach deep within and unleash my own beauty in a more profound way. I want to strengthen it.

Something about her reminded me of me. She has a quiet, calm, simple, matter-of-fact, way about her. Not just displayed by how she talks or acts but just how she is.

While talking to her, she complimented another woman to me. There is nothing more beautiful than girls complimenting other girls.

And when she complimented me, it was sincere and not condescending like she thought I needed validation. Her only intention was to encourage & uplift.

Around her, I sensed a safe place. A place of no judgment, only love, acceptance, warmth.

She has a job helping, serving others, a job that takes deep compassion & great strength, both of what she displays so genuinely.

When I met her, I thought of the quote I shared above & was reminded of the beautiful song sung by Billy Joel, She’s got a way.

She’s got a light around her.

She’s got a way – Billy Joel

Claudia certainly has a way about her.

Humble but confident. Soft but strong. Tender, yet firm. Fiercely compassionate and very kind.

How beautiful it is to inspire someone simply by being. BEing our honest self. Not trying to be someone or something else. No matter who/what we are, someone, somewhere desires/longs for just that. Loud, quiet, warm, firm, syrupy sweet, badass, bitchy, reserved or very demonstrative….some of these things will resonate with some while others will resonate with someone else.

Keep on keeping on! You never know who your own beauty is inspiring!❤

I want to be an even better me after meeting Claudia.

Much love & light,

Xoxo Kim