Laparoscopic kidney donation scars at three months 💚🫘
It’s the most amazing experience to think about how two anonymous strangers in two different parts of the country both laid on an operating table on the same morning to become forever connected, an unbreakable bond formed. This is what it is to be “intimate strangers.” I have heard of that term now & again and never thought much of it or understood until that day my kidney began making pee in someone else’s body, someone I have never laid eyes on and probably never will. It will never fail to amaze me! Instead of fading, each day, that feeling of awe becomes deeper & deeper, and so does the joy and warm fuzzies. My scars are always a reminder of that beautiful experience. Whenever I step out of a shower and look into the mirror or take my pj’s off to get dressed in the mornings or wear a belly shirt and happen to see the scar near my bellybutton (the only one that’s really very visible with clothes on), I remember and smile.
Many living kidney donors feel strongly that we should be humble and not speak of our act of kindness and always divert the attention to somewhere else when someone else brings it up so as not to seem self important or arrogant or like we’re looking for recognition. In fact this seems almost like the consensus in the living donor community that it’s not to be talked about much outside of living donor spaces. But my experience is too beautiful not to share, and I am too thankful for the honor, to be so humble as to never speak of it. It’s like when moms share their birthing stories or brag about their kids, (usually) not acting like they’re better than other moms or childless women, just thankful for their own gift and celebrating by sharing. I don’t look for praise, but I acknowledge the fact that my act of compassion & courage is worthy of the kind comments it receives when it comes up. Sharing our experience as an act of gratitude is not the same as arrogantly boasting. I will always share my experience as a celebration & for awareness of living organ donation. If that gets me a few compliments along the way, I welcome them.
Three months later and I am 100% the way I was before my body lost a vital organ. No energy changes, no pain, no anxiety or depression, no complications, no lifestyle changes or meds needed. The first two weeks after the surgery were a bit challenging, but just less than two weeks after, I was jokingly asking if they even took the kidney because everything felt almost 💯. Any pain or discomfort I experienced only confirmed that I made the best decision. It reminded me of the pain & sickness my recipient must have been living in indefinitely. It’s a humbling experience to temporarily take on someone else’s pain & sickness so they can live a life without it.
Best thing I ever did!
It’s not for everyone, and there are (rare) potential risks for very very serious life altering complications (and death during and just after the donation surgery). But I encourage anyone it resonates with to consider learning about living kidney donation and possibly becoming a living donor, as there is an extreme shortage of kidneys for transplant. There are people dying & living in sickness who don’t have to.
If you don’t know anyone in need of a new kidney, you can become an altruistic (non directed) donor and donate to “the next person on the wait list,” like I did. (It’s really a system of people in need, and they find the best match depending upon various factors, not literally a list where there is a specific person who is “next” like with the deceased donor list.) It will potentially give the person 25+ years of life & health. Even if it doesn’t work, which is rare, living donor kidneys nearly always work long-term, it will remind the person their life matters and that someone cared enough to give them a literal piece of themselves to save & enhance their life. If you donate through the National Kidney Registry as a non directed/altruistic donor, there’s a chance you’ll save multiple lives by beginning a kidney chain. This means multiple transplants will take place that would not have if not for your altruistic donation. It’s truly incredible! This happens when a potential donor is not a match for their intended recipient, so they agree to donate to an anonymous stranger so their person will get the next kidney available. My kidney recipient had someone wanting to donate to them but wasn’t a match, so that donor donated to an anonymous stranger so my recipient could get the next available kidney. The next available kidney happened to be mine! So at least two kidney transplants took place involving my one donation, my recipient’s and the person’s who got the kidney of the person who wanted to donate to my recipient but wasn’t a match. Sometimes kidney chains are super long and span across the whole country, set in motion by one altruistic donation. It’s beautiful being linked to all these strangers through the gift of life.
If you have no one in particular in mind and choose to be a non directed/altruistic donor, you can also donate a kidney voucher to another stranger if you wish, one of your choice. You can look for someone to give it to, like I did. When we donate our kidney to an anonymous stranger, the National Kidney Registry gives us a kidney voucher to give to whoever we want, so that person will get a new kidney usually shortly after our donation surgery. It brings that person into the system so they’ll be matched with aliving donorkidney when one becomes available.
I have always been a universal lover and got to live it in action the day I gave my kidney to an anonymous stranger. 🫘
(Words are censored because I sometimes copy/paste posts off of Facebook to hereor here to Facebook where certain words can get us a suspension or post removal. They can’t detect context. So I can be posting about donating blood. It will see blood and automatically detect it as violence. Also, I censor common trigger words that people with trauma history may see.)
Content warning ⚠️!!!!! There is a picture of a human kidney in this post!! It will gross you out lol It’s not a scan image, it’s the kidney after it was taken out of my body before it was sent to its new person. I asked the surgeon to take a pic for me 😆😁
Questions we get asked as altruistic/non directed/living kidney donors and my responses:
1.) What if your child/family member needs a kidney transplantin the future, and now you can’t give them yours? Would you regret it?
Nahh.
This is probably the most frequent question.
I could not regret saving/attempting to save a life. I did what I felt called to do when I did. And if someone in my family needed a kidney transplantafter I donated to a stranger, I would remember that someone else’s family needed that kidney too and are no less worthy or less important than my family member. I wouldn’t be kicking myself wishing I held out knowing a whole other life is spared and enhanced. Of course if my family member needed a kidney transplant I would have given mine when I had two. But since that wasn’t the case, I wouldn’t regret it if it happens later. How could I regret someone else’s child, mom, grandad, sister, niece, best friend, husband….or just a person being alive??
And I would remember that there are kind people out there who would donate an organ to a stranger like I did and have hope that one of them would help my family member the way I helped someone else’s. I couldn’t imagine not helping someone when I’m passionate about it because maybe someone I know will need me later. That may never happen and then someone would be sick or dying, and I would miss the opportunity to get to experience being a living organ donor. It makes no sense to me to hold out for something that is very unlikely to happen when something is already happening now that needs tending to. Also, who is to say I will be healthy enough later? Health is so fleeting & fragile. I may not be qualified later if my family member needs one. People take good health for granted just assuming we’ll always be healthy. This question shows that in the assumption that I would still be healthy enough later to help a family member. I hope I will. But unfortunately there’s no guarantee. To be a living kidney donor, we also have to be financially fit enough and have appropriate life/work circumstances. At one point years ago my circumstances changed, and I wasn’t financially qualified or able to take off work for recovery and wasn’t sure when/if I would ever be qualified again. I got super lucky when things changed again for the better. There’s also no guarantee my financial/work/life situation won’t change again. I would miss my chance. I am nothing but lucky to have the gift of this very rare experience.
2.) What if your kidney goes/went to a Donald Trump supporter/Republican/some@$$hole?
🤣😂😆😭 As long as it’s not a Cowboys fan, we’re good!
Jk!
Altruistic or non directed kidney donation is certainly not for everyone.It’s not for the faint of heart. There are people who say they would love to donate a kidney to a stranger but are too afraid it will go to someone they feel is undeserving like people with certain political or religious views. I have read stories by people who donated their kidney but absolutely had to be sure it was going to someone who has Liberal political views like themor had to be sure the person has personality traits they like. They can’t be a non directed donor with this frame of mind. It can truly take a toll on someone emotionally to keep wondering if the person who has their kidney is worthy or if they find out who the person is and they don’t measure up to their standards. They have to go looking for a specific person in need and make sure that person measures up. I don’t understand it myself, I could never choose out of a list of people and decide someone is worthy of my kidney but someone else is not or prefer one over another out of multiple strangers, but whatever floats their boat, it’s their body and their journey, and their choice. If they want to save a life but only one they feel is worth it, that is valid. There is a website, MatchingDonors, where potential donors & recipients can browse and read profiles by people offering a kidney and needing a kidney. Like a dating website but instead of finding ourperfectromantic match, we find our perfect kidney match. Their pictures show up and any information they share about themselves. I tried it years ago and couldn’t choose. I knew altruistic/non directed donation is for me or if I just happen to see one particular person in need. But I couldn’t choose one of many. I wanted to help them all. Some tugged on my heartstrings more than others. But I could never choose.
It takes a certain kind of person to donate to a random anonymous stranger we know nothing about. It takes more than just compassion. It takes a strong stomach and a certain way of thinking. We have to truly believe every/almost every life matters and detach. We have to accept that our kidney can be keeping someone alive we absolutely would not be able to stand if we met them. Someone with values or personality traits we abhor. We have to feel that we not liking someone doesn’t mean they are less worthy just because we don’t like them. We have to step out of that egoistic, self important way of thinking to be able to be ok with non directed donation. Self important /egoistic in this sense is ok because kidney donation is an act of kindness, not an obligation. It’s completely valid to choose who we would and would not donate toor not donate at all. But it is egoistic to a certain degree,to decide one person is worth it and not another, and it does require us to avoid that sentiment that someone is inferior or unworthy “because *I* don’t like them” because “*my* opinion of them is the one that matters.” If we cannot overcome that sentiment, altruistic kidney donation is not for us. You know how ticked off you are every single day on social media. I see it every single day, my social media friends furiously bashing people of different political or religious views, arguing viciously with people then blocking them and still complaining about them after they’re gone, mocking people they don’t like, even wishing d3ath on certain people, laughing at some people who died. Could you handle it if your kidney was in one of their bodies keeping them alive? My self proclaimed Liberal humanitarian friends relentlessly mock some famous people who die, often because they’re Conservatives, sometimes because they’re greedy billionaires.
What if instead of one of them dying, they were still kicking and with YOUR kidney? If they were healthy and thriving and going on doing whatever they’re doing because your body part is keeping them going? Just imagine. Like I said, it takes a strong stomach lol
The way I see it is that a whole person is just that. A whole person. There’s more to every person than just their views/religion, more than just the aspects we see and cannot stand. They have interests, roles they play to others, goals… whatever I don’t like about them is only one aspect. And someone else loves them just how they are. Why does me not liking them make them less worthy when someone else does like them? My opinion is no more important than the opinion of the person who loves them. Someone isn’t less worthy just because *I* don’t like the person. I may not want to be their friend or not want them in my space, but that doesn’t mean I won’t be their kidney donor.
Also, are you a potential organ donor? Does your ID say you’re an organ donor? If yes, you may be donating to someone you wouldn’t like some day. You think all your organs that can be donated are going to only people who you would like and agree with on everything there is to agree on? Think again lol (I would not knowingly donate my kidney to a cold blo0ded murder3r, or a known terr0rist or domestic abus3r or serious s*x offenders or someone who has a lot of power and would use it for destructive things,…I would not want to aid in or support their large-scale destructive actions/energy in the world, but if my kidney happened to go to one of them, I would not regret my act of kindness because at least I tried to help, and it doesn’t take away any of the kindness on my part, a loving act is a loving act, there’s two aspects to donating a kidney, the practical help it offers someone and just the fact we did something so amazing. If my kidney went to an a-hole, it’s still an amazing thing I did)
I do not have a preference. I’m a Liberal atheist. If I found out the kidney I gave away is now making pee in someone who is a Christian Conservative and goes around calling people like me “snowflakes” and “sheeple” and “libtards” and “woke” and “commies,” (🤣😂) so be it. I’ll give you my kidney just before blocking you on social media 😆
To me, there is something beautiful about altruistic/non directed kidney donation. Not knowing, not caring who our kidney goes to because every life matters. So universal loving! Of course all kidney donations are equally beautiful.But non directed has this unique aspect to it.
3.) What if you need a kidney transplant in the future?
I’m on the priority transplant list now, so if I ever need one, I can get one fairly quickly. Since I donated a kidney, I won’t have to wait years like the average person in need of a new kidney. I can get a living donor kidney within weeks/months very likely. Even if that wasn’t an option for me, I would have donated. The chances are very slim. And if it were to happen, I would deal with it just like everyone else who needs a kidney transplant deals with it. At least I would be able to say I’m sick because I took a chance and helped someone. So many are sick just because. I have a way better chance of being in a car crash, yet I still get into cars. And no one questions it. I’m much more likely to be a victim of g u n v!olence in the U.S than develop kidney failure, yet I’m out all day & night walking the streets of Philadelphia where g u n v!olence is rampant. And no one (except my mom) questions it or has an issue with it.
I’m rarely to never questioned on why I get into cars or don’t live in a bubble so I don’t get sh0tor ass@ulted or sick. But when it comes to a loving act of kindness to literally save a life, people question why I would or make remarks to say/imply that I shouldn’t have because of a risk to my own safety.
Someone may say getting into cars and going outside are worth the risks because it’s necessary, it’s needed to live life. This kidney transplant was necessary. It was needed for someone to live. That person is no less worthy or important than I am that my needs are worth certain risks but theirs aren’t.
💚💋😘
4.) What ever possessed you to give your organ away to a stranger/to lay on an operating table and risk dying for a total stranger? (Or something of this sort, but “possessed” has come up a few times 😆)
The philosophy that every life matters and that if we have more than enough of something (money, health, resources…) it‘s an even greater gift to share that with someone less fortunate in that respect. Remember all deceased organ donors donate to strangers. And blood donors too. What’s the difference if I’m alive and donate to a stranger? I donate blood regularly to random strangers. What’s the difference? If you checked yes to organ donation on your driver’s license and you die in a way where you can be an organ donor, you’ll be doing what I did, donating to a complete stranger. Is that such a wild cr@zy idea? To reach out and help a fellow human?
🫘
5.) What if you suffer a complication?
I may or may not suffer a complication, but for someone else there is no maybe. A person on dialysis or about to begin dialysis doesn’t have the luxury of maybe that I have. They are already suffering a complication. I’m lucky & privileged to even have that “maybe.”
Also, I hope I would never not do something that deeply resonates with me because of fear. Avoiding things we’re passionate about because of fear, is no way to live, in my opinion. I prefer to take chances if it’s something I truly want and feel called to do and whatever happens happens than living in a safe bubble not fully living and then dying as an old woman.What if I did not do this and wouldn’t have suffered a complication? I would miss out on the experience and always wishing I chose to go through with it and wondering what if I did. It has been on my mind every single day for over five years and on my mind off & on for many years before that. It was never something I could ever regret no matter what. It’s my dream come true!
6.) “I would never give my kidney to a stranger/anyone, you’re a better person than I am.”
This is a response I have received by a few people.
No one is a better person for doing an act of kindness. “You’re a better person than I am” only applies, in my opinion, if you’re going around intentionally interfering with or hurting others while I’m not.
7.) Are/were you scared?
Yes!! It took brass ovaries, and I got’em. The two weeks before surgery, my body would be gripped in a sense of panic waking up in the mornings. Sometimes it would feel that “fight or flight” response. Occasionally it felt like it thought it was getting ready to die. Lol Dramatic. My worst, pretty much only, fear was that I would experience prolonged fatigue when I live a very active life. Thankfully got no fatigue at all! On the morning of the surgery, I woke up completely calm and peaceful & hopeful, no anxiety or fear at all walking into the hospital with my two kidneys getting ready to send one off to a great new home. 💚
8.) What if you die/would have died on the operating table?
Very very unlikely. But what better way to go than in my sleep and saving someone else’s life? 😁
Scars n all 💚
🩷
Living organ donation isn’t for everyone. These are just my experiences not something that everyone should feel for themselves. For me, living kidney donation truly felt like a calling. It was the easiest decision of this life of mine. I truly experience more stress trying to decide what flavor ice cream I want or if I want tea today or an iced latte 😂 No hesitation, no uncertainty whatsoever. I knew since the day I read a heartwarming story 15+ years before my donation, about a man who donated his kidney to an anonymous stranger, that I would one day do the same. I am 100% happy & thrilled with my decision. 💚🫘
Anyone interested in living kidney donation can check these out:
National Kidney Registry (the National Kidney Registry offers donor benefits like reimbursement for lost wages during recovery and travel/lodging expenses if necessary and a place on the priority list on the off chance the donor ever needs a kidney transplant in the future, also a kidney voucher for a friend/family member {or anyone} of the donor, so if someone they know ever needs a kidney transplant, since the donor donated to an anonymous stranger, they’ll let one person of the donor’s choice get a kidney transplant without waiting long, I donated my kidney voucher to another stranger, so two people are being helped through my one kidney donation)
Matching Donors (this website provides pictures and stories by people in need of a kidney transplant. Potential donors & recipients can browse and communicate with each other. A donor can choose to try to help a specific person, they may not be a match. But if they’re both associated with the National Kidney Registry, the donor can do a non directed donation and donate the voucher to the person they found on Matching Donors – this isn’t just for kidneys but other organs we can donate while alive also. Some people have donated their kidney AND a portion of their liver to different people {not at once lol usually have to wait around a year}! And it’s completely safe!)
The girl wore her scars the way some women wore their finest jewelry. 💚
Just showing off my kidney donation scars! My healthcare team said they are healing very well. 😍 These are my scars at just over two weeks after surgery. It’s now over six weeks later, and they look the same.
💚
The incision just above my shorts is the main incision where the kidney was extracted. 🫘It’slike a C-section scar. I always liked those, they’re pretty and delicate and girly, but I never wanted kids. Now I joke that I get to have my very own except instead of taking a kid out, they took a kidney! 😆
My recipient and me are doing great! 😁
I was so happy to receive the news that my recipient is doing amazingly well! I was told that I can reach out and contact the person by sending a card or letter. I have to remain anonymous at first.Then if both of us agree, we can break anonymity and get to know who each other is.
I’m so happy with my decision to donate a kidney!! 💚
I hope you are having a beautiful day or night wherever in the world you are!
And when one of us is gone And one of us is left to carry on Then remembering will have to do Our memories alone will get us through Think about the days of me & you ❤️💔
He was the great love of my life. This loss is one of those ones that hit the hardest even though they’re all equally devastating in another way. This loss has always felt like something on a whole other level in some way. At first I just assumed it’s because I knew him for so long. He was just always by my side, and I never remembered life before him since he came and couldn’t ever fathom life after him. But then I realized it’s not the case because if I would have lost him years before when I did not know him as long it would have been the same pain and profound loss. It’s a deep gaping wound that never seems to close. It feels like a physical part of me is missing, like a big chunk of something has been ripped out of me. An unearthly kind of pain. Sometimes it feels unbearable. He was just so much a part of me. It feels like I wasn’t meant to live without him. I know it’s not true. Dogs are supposed to get old and die much sooner than humans. But it still feels that way.
My constant, my familiar, my safe, my home…in all the uncertainty & unknown.
❤️😍 True love – a rare kiss 😘💋
I remember the first day I walked into the room and everything was gone. His bed was gone, his crate that was just for when he wanted to be in it, never closed, was gone, his toys were gone, his treat jar was gone, his doggy gate was gone, his notebook & pen to keep track of his walks & potty breaks & water and treats were gone, his food & water bowls were gone, his large bag of dog food was gone, his leash, gone, his doggy bags, gone, the fur that he was always shedding that got on things, gone, every single trace of him was gone, every shred of evidence that he ever existed was gone.
Just gone.
I remember the surprise. I have never seen such an empty room. There was a table and chair, things for preparing food on the counter, papers around, a bookshelf full of books, various other things around the whole room…but the room was empty. I have never felt such profound emptiness. I remember the sense of panic that arose in me. The heaviness that weighed me down, threatening to pull me to the floor, legs becoming weak, just like the day I let him go. My eyes frantically scanning the room for just one clue that he was once here. But there was none. Desperation growing somewhere deep inside me, taking root in a place I’m not sure I could identify, a claustrophobic kind of fear taking me over.
I looked around, and it was like he never existed except for the void in me aching to be filled, the throbbing pain that surged through me and all over me with nowhere to go. Completely alone with just the memories & the raw pain letting me know he once lived. I felt that I would run to the ends of the earth to find him. It may have been the second most painful moment of this life of mine.
A disarray of memories swirling around my head, inspiring both joy & anguish, but more anguish. Him running through the glistening snow on a cold Winter’s day, and rolling around in the green grass on a sunnySummer morning, crunching through the Fall leaves on the cobblestone streets we walked upon each day, rubbing his little face in the Spring flowers blooming in our favorite park, running along the Schyulkill river trail side by side every morning & evening, the big smile on his face as we ran against the wind, the wind blowing through his fur and my long hair, not a care in the world, standing on his back legs in the kitchen to look at the plants, running around the table making me chase him to get his leash on, oh how I miss that leash that was just so him, haven’t seen it in so long, randomly giving me a bunch of kisses even though he rarely ever kissed, kissing wasn’t his love language. But he reserved a few just for me. I don’t think he ever kissed anyone else.
I remembered the late Fall day in 2020 when I first heard him bark & growl after years of knowing him, when I first saw him angry, fur bristling as we walked alone together late at night on a dark narrow and desolate cobblestone street. He never barked or growled. At anyone, ever. Not humans or any other animals. If ever he did not like someone, he would completely ignore them. He was extremely gentle and quiet, an introverted boy. Mostly indifferent to everything & everyone around him. He peered into the shadows ahead. He suddenly growled then barked and jumped in front of me, standing as tall as he possibly could as if to ward away something or someone lurking in the shadows that he thought was a threat to me. Still the ball of energy he always was, strong and healthy, youthful, thinking his little body could protect me if only he stood his ground and kept me back and whatever it was, in front of us. He would not calm down, so we turned around and walked the other way, and he was satisfied. I remember the feeling bordering on shock because I have known him for so long and never saw him react that way in all our years together. I don’t think anyone else has either.I remember wanting to tell everyone, wanting to tell the world that Koto just barked and growled. It was the most amazing thing. He was not jumpy or ever startled, nothing scared him. He took everything as it came and just ignored it. For him to act that way, there had to be a real reason.
Sometimes I wonder if he saved my life that night.
Years later, I held him during his last hour here on Earth as we sat in our favorite park that we visited together for years. Clung to him as if my own life depended on his. My heart wanted to plead with him not to go, but my head knew he had to. Resting my heavy head on his as my heavy heavy heart sunk into my abdomen, feeling his little heart beat against mine, the last beats it would ever take. It still felt strong, steady, but his frail, weakened little body hung limp, like a ragdoll in my arms, no longer able to protect me like that Fall day all those years before, his eyes glazed over, no longer seeing, his legs collapsing if I tried to get him to stand, no longer caring to eat or drink,…his time here was up after almost sixteen years even though his heart was still strong against mine. And even though my arms refused to let go.
💔🖤
Saying goodbye to him, letting him go, was the single most painful moment of this life of mine. In that one pivotal moment I have lived an entire lifetime, maybe even a thousand lifetimes, lived every emotion there is to live. Both empty and full, completely gutted like a scene in a horror movie, or so it felt. In that moment, I did more living than I have in all the decades I have been alive. In that moment I became completely whole even though it felt and still feels so utterly shattering. I broke into a million little pieces to become one so completely whole. It’s a wholeness that nothing can touch. Even if I ever feel that something in life or in myself is lacking or someone else tells me it is, I can retreat to that place and find my wholeness there.
April 10th, 2023 – our very last day together, his last day on Earth ❤️💔
After letting him go that day, I walked by a park we sometimes visited through the years, not our favorite park, but one we sometimes walked to when he wanted to take me there. I saw the most vibrant flowers. I hungrily took in their beauty, desperately hoping for some sense of comfort or hope. For a fleeting moment those flowers appeared to be smiling at me as if to make everything momentarily ok. I held them in my heart for the rest of that warm Spring day allowing them to cool & sooth the bitter burning pain for a brief moment in time. He loved flowers. He made it a point to stop and put his nose right on them whenever we walked through our parks.
❤️
I have a silver necklace with a charm that has a “K” engraved on one side and a flower engraved on the other side. I bought it shortly after he died. I got it because it’s both of our initial and to remember all our days in the flowers together and how much he loved them. 🌹I have loved & lost so many pets through the years, both my own at home and the ones I work with. So I don’t buy things in memory of them or anything because there are just so many. But I was inspired to for this one.
This is a story that plays in my head again & again as I walk through life without him. Sometimes it’s quiet & somber and just here living in me, and sometimes it’s so loud and heavy and dizzying & agonizing it nearly brings me to my knees. But it’s our story. And it’s as beautiful as it is heartbreaking. It’s breathtaking, both in the unpleasant way that knocks the wind out of you like a punch in the gut, and the pleasant way that makes you gasp in beauty when you see the most stunning view you have ever seen.
And at the end of this life, whether it be tomorrow or in 100 more years, I’m going to say that in this life knowing him, loving him, walking with him by my side for all those years, was my greatest honor. ❤️
On the late afternoon streets, everyone hurries along, going about their own business. Who is the person walking in front of you on the rain-drenched sidewalk? He is covered with an umbrella, and all you can see is a dark coat and the shoes striking the puddles. And yet this person is the hero of his own life story. He is the love of someone’s life. And what he can do may change the world. Imagine being him for a moment. And then continue on your own way.
Content warning ⚠️: last couple pictures are of my incisions. I requested a picture of the kidney after they removed it. 😆 But they haven’t sent it to me yet. Lol
On 1/16/2024, my lifelong dream came true.
I had the honor of becoming a living kidney donor, giving the gift of life to someone in need. 💚🫘 What a beautiful, rare, awe inspiring experience.
For almost as long as I can remember I have wanted to donate my kidney to a stranger, just anyone who could use my “spare.” When I was young, I read a heartwarming true story about a man who donated his kidney to the next person on the transplant list in the U.S. He said we are all the same inside, and he wouldn’t hesitate to do this for his own son, so it made no sense to him to hesitate doing that for anyone else. He said something along the lines of everyone he looked at is the same as his son, someone who wants to live, be happy, and healthy. I instantly recognized him as part of my soul family. I knew exactly what he meant. I KNEW then deep inside that that would be me one day giving my kidney to a stranger because everyone I look at is the same, the same as my own friend, my own family member, the same as me. There is no difference. That person is not my mom, not my brother, not my friend, not my child, not my spouse, not my niece, not my nephew, not me. But that’s someone else’s mom, daughter, husband, wife, friend, Grandma, coworker, neighbor, child and most importantly, someone. Someone who wants to live and be healthy. I have always had the gift of perfect health and endless energy. So after hearing again about altruistic kidney donation on the radio many years after that story, I decided to go for it, and after a long journey of medical & psych evaluation, interviews, paperwork, phone calls, more medical & psych testing to be sure I’m qualified…I woke up on Tuesday 1/16/2024 and chose to give life to an anonymous stranger in another state. Our surgeries were said to be flawless, and our kidneys are functioning perfectly. My doctors told me I was walking out of the hospital with one kidney just as healthy as when I walked in that early morning a couple days before with two kidneys. My only strict lifelong restriction is NSAIDS (Advil, Aspirin, Motrin…). No dietary restrictions, but I do have to be more careful than most with salt & things. And it’s especially important for me to stay hydrated now with one kidney. I need more water than most each day to keep my one lil bean happy. It’s doing the work of two! I have no doubt that my experience giving life to a struggling human is just as much a gift to me as it is to that person. 💚🫘
💚🫘“From the entire NKDO community, thank you for your selfless act of donating a kidney. Your extraordinary compassion and generosity are an inspiration to all of us.” 💚🫘Oneweek kidneyversary today and recovering so well!! 💚
Content warning ⚠️: incisions.
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They pumped my abdomen with gas to make room for the surgeon to work, so it’s bigger here
I’m so honored to have this experience! It’s the experience of a lifetime! 💚 To know a part of me is literally keeping someone else alive. My beautiful body is keeping someone else alive and working hard to heal & keeping itself alive. Most people don’t get accepted to donate a kidney because of health issues usually, even minor ones can get someone rejected. I am so lucky with my health and knew I had to share that gift with someone else. ♥️♥️♥️
I’m wishing you a beautiful day or night wherever in the world you are!
On January 16, 2024, my kidney will have its new forever home with a person in Minnesota!
I am going to share a set of kidneys with an anonymous person somewhere else in the country! 😭😍
My kidney is going to the next person on the waiting list in the U.S who I am a match for. My person was found in Minnesota! (I’m in Pennsylvania) That’s all the information they will give me. In altruistic donations like this, which are always anonymous, it’s possible even with very little information that the donor/recipient can potentially identify each other if they try, so they give us as little information as possible about each other to avoid that. Sometimes the transplant teams reveal the gender & age. I did not get that info yet. I may or may not later.
How amazing is this!!! What a rare & beautiful experience, to get to give someone else the gift of life through organ donation and while being alive. 💚💚💚🫘 🫘 🫘 It was a long journey of extensive medical & psychiatric evaluation to be sure I’m physically & emotionally fit to donate a kidney and so much paperwork. But here we are!In altruistic donations in the U.S it’s possible for the anonymity to eventually be broken, but the recipient has to be the one to initiate it. If the donor agrees, they can communicate. In some cases the recipient reaches out through the transplant center to thank & update the donor on how the transplant is working for them. In other cases, the recipient never does. Either way is good with me! I’m just looking to potentially help someone! 💚
My surgery will take place at 6:00am on 1/16/2024 at Penn Transplant Institute here in Philadelphia. Lefty will be shipped on an airplane to its new person. I get to keep Righty. I’ll be in the hospital for at least two days, no more than four days as long as there are no complications. They said most likely two days. I will be accepting visitors! All are welcome, even strangers! You can let me know in advance or just show up as a surprise (bringing gifts! It can be anything, I’m easy to please 😆 jk, just your presence is enough)! The more, the merrier lol
I couldn’t help it and ordered a sterling silver necklace with our transplant date as a mini celebration as soon as I was told my match was found and our date!! It wasn’t a wise decision because it’s not uncommon for transplant dates to change if donor or recipient wakes up with a sore throat that day or catches a virus just before or something changes with one of the surgeon’s schedules…But I couldn’t resist! So let’s hope so much it doesn’t change! The necklace was not expensive, but it would be a waste of material and time for the seller/creator on Etsy. But I’m hopeful and staying positive it will remain that date!!
Anyone want to guess the gender of my kidney sib? Girl? 🩷 Boy? 🩵 Other? 💜 I’ll see if we can get a gender reveal going lol
Content warning ⚠️: nothing graphic but mention of mental health issues, s*icidal inclination, r*pe(I have never experienced r*pe, myself, just briefly sharing that it happened to someone I used to know)
I did a thing! My heart was pounding so hard, my hands were shaking. I hesitated and thought I would back out. I even got dizzy. It wasn’t anxiety. It was fullblown FEAR. There was a sickly terror running through me. My body was in full fight or flight mode as if I was in literal life threatening danger. My gut was telling me not to, that it could only end badly. It wasn’t my intuition talking but my fear. There was a loud voice in the back of my head yelling at me not to. But something deep inside told me I had to. I had to know. My healing has made room for curiosity & concern, where there was no room before. The space in me was taken up by seemingly insurmountable pain & humiliation & fear & selfish love & coveting, despair. No room for curiosity or concern or selfless love. Until now.
Around a year ago, I shared a deep, raw, honest, heartfelt post about when I was rejected by a woman I was secretly (never told anyone about her or this experience til last December when I posted it here) head over heels in love with for so many years and how that experience has deeply affected me in both pleasant & not so pleasant ways to this day. She was 45 years old, I was 27 years old when I confessed my love for her. I met her when she was 40 years old, and I was 21 years old.
I loved her since that very first moment I laid eyes on her, when I saw her across the crowded room, and the world suddenly stopped spinning.
I know that it might sound More than a little crazy but I believe I knew I loved you before I met you I think I dreamed you into life I knew I loved you before I met you I have been waiting all my life
This is what it felt like upon finding her. It felt like finding my other half, like we were the two halves of the same whole.
She was my everything, the love of my life, and I thought she would be by my side forever. I sent her messages telling her that, and she unfriended and ghosted me without a reason given or any response. I was utterly ruined. I agonized for years over why she did not want me even as an acquaintance or casual online friend, yet she had so many others she loved, even strangers. She’s a universal lover like me. Everyone is welcome in her world. But not me, the one I felt loved her most. This shattered meto my core. I would have instantly laid down my own life for her if necessary.
After she rejected me, I stalked her social media accounts for years in absolute despair.All of her stuff has always been public. She did not block me, just unfriended and stopped communicating with me. Before this, we were hardly even acquaintances but did occasionally communicate through her Facebook posts. She never initiated contact with me, but she did respond to my comments to her. After she cut me off completely, I read her blog, watched her YouTube videos, still looked at her Facebook and Instagram accounts, til eventually it got to be too much, and I stopped looking for years but still loved her. Then, with lots of conscious work, I became indifferent to her. I stopped the online stalking and moved on. It was the only way for me to emotionally survive.
The rejection destroyed me, and I thought I would never recover. It took me YEARS (even after no longer looking at her social media for years) to get over her and the rejection. The rejection physically sickened me, I had headaches for weeks after the initial rejection, I fell into a very deep major depressive episode for months. Through the years, every now & again, another depressive episode would be triggered, especially if I looked at her social media accounts/blog/YouTube while in a low mood.
Especially when I saw her with other people, especially when I saw her with him. Words can never express the deep pain that ripped through my entire being to see that other people got to have access to her, be loved by her, had the gift of her time and presence but not me. And not understanding why because we have all the same views, interests, values… we’re so, so alike. She’s very social and was always around people, hanging out with people. She cherished and prioritized platonic friendship, like me. She would take pictures of her friends and write about how much she loved them. She would share pictures of them laughing together at restaurants and cafes. While I was happy that she had people to love and be loved by, so much of me was beyond jealous and just shattered that I couldn’t be one of them. It just k!lled me. Through the years, I would look at her Instagram account after she unfriended me on Facebook (I did not have an Instagram account back then), and see her with other people and fall into a deep, s*icidal depressive episode, sometimes for months. I would ask myself why. Why I wasn’t good enough for her but they are. This triggered me to feel not good enough for anyone. Before her, I had amazing self esteem, maybe a little bit too much self esteem. I admit it. In my last December post (2022) about her, I share that now I’m glad she humbled me because I thought I was all that and a bag of Skittles. Lol I was arrogant. I’m glad I’m not anymore.
Every now & again, I still experience a hint of that feeling that I’m not good enough for anyone and have nothing to offer, as a result of her rejection. I internalized it as not being good enough. A feeling that no matter what I have to give someone, someone else can give better or more so why would anyone want me. It still lingers today. It’s not a constant feeling, an insecurity that comes & goes. Sometimes I’m hesitant to reach out to people for this reason. Before her, I never had this feeling, before her I thought I was the sh!t who could love someone better than she has ever been loved before, that I had everything to give, that my love was unique and rare and shocking because of how deep and whole it is. Like I mention in my other post, she knocked me down a few pegs, and I never quite got back up. But that’s ok, it’s part of living. It’s nearly impossible to get through life without any scars. Also, she did nothing wrong by rejecting me. However I interpreted or responded to it is my issue, not hers.
I had to work for years to become indifferent to her because the memories were so painful. She brought me immense joy to think of but also so much pain.
For so many years, I could not let myself be curious about her. I couldn’t think about her in an attached way to be concerned. It was destroying my mental health. My love for her became dormant. Memories of her no longer brought me joy or pain. Eventually I pretty much stopped thinking of her at all. Last year I decided to share a post about her inspired by a post I saw for Pride Month asking us to share about our first heartbreak if we aren’t heterosexual.It took me six months to complete. It was exhausting to write, but I loved writing it. I loved revisiting that joyful and agonizing experience. Writing that true story helped heal me so much and made me realize I had so much pain and pent up emotion in me about the whole situation. I realized I never stopped loving her. Now after ten+ years, I am able to release it all and set it free and go back to loving her but with a selfless detachment.
I love her deeply. I always have. I never stopped loving her and never will.
I recently decided to look her up online, something I told myself I would never ever do.
The reason I looked her up now is I am now strong enough and healed enough to think of her and be affected by the memories without crumbling. Everything I suppressed & repressed has been released and let go. It made room for other things.
I realized I have been very very concerned about her safety. I wasn’t even sure if she’s still alive. I did not want to think that or mention it, but it’s true. I began entertaining the idea of looking her up online to be sure she’s at least alive and hopefully ok.
She has been dangerously s*icidal off & on for many years. She even has a history of attempts and hospitalizations. She struggled immensely with mental health, self esteem, body image, relationships, addiction to prescription pills,she lost her job when I last knew her years ago (they did not have enough money to pay all their employees and let a few go, including her). She was a very successful career woman with an advanced college degree. She was at one point a college instructor. But she always felt like a failure in life. She was very open about this.I always felt like she was out of my league. This wasn’t in a negative, self deprecating, insecureway, just a matter of fact kind of way. She was successful, educated, driven. I was just an undergraduate college girl with average grades and then after college, a food server/cashier at a food serving place where I worked for many years while living at home with parents. She was warm, compassionate, understanding, humble, never in any way arrogant or judgemental of other people’s jobs, living/financial situations. She never saw anyone as inferior. This is not why she rejected me. She even dated men who were less educated and less successful than her. (She’s bisexual but mostly into men and mostly only dated men)
She was r*ped many years before I met her, and it devastated her life & mental health. She struggled with aging. Each birthday, especially milestone ones (like 40 years old) put her at risk for a s*icidal depressive episode that could result in hospitalization. She could not stand getting older.
Since I am now able to think about her, my concern for her got the best of me. I was terrified of what I would see if I looked her up. My body turned to jelly the same way as if it was a close friend or family member I was concerned may have died by s*icide. I was surprised about that. While I care equally about almost everyone, it’s different when it’s someone we know, personally or are close to. It hits harder usually or a different way or has more emotion involved. I haven’t communicated with or seen anything by her on social media or in person in over seven years. At some points I rarely even thought about her. So it was surprising to experience the impact she still has on me all these years later.
She’s popular enough that she is the first person who showed up in the search engine when I put her first and part of her last name in. She’s an editor, writer, public speaker, journalist…
My finger hoveredover her name in the searchbox (there was a very small thumbnail picture of her next to her name, I could see she was smiling in it, which was comforting). My heart pounding. I wasn’t sure I could or would go through with it. I asked myself if I really want to do this. I had no idea what I would find or what emotion would overcome me. But I had to know, if I did not look her up again, thoughts that she may not be alive today, that maybe she died by her own hand, would be eating at me and were getting stronger & stronger. I had to know. I had to click her name.
So I did. I clicked her name to see endless search results. (She’s very well known within the writing/editing/blogging community in Philadelphia, so there’s decades worth of stuff about her).
I desperately hoped she’s alive.
Not only is she alive.
She is doing SO well these days!!! She is happy and healthy and thriving in what seems like every aspect of life. She has her life on track, has close lifelong and new friends (some of the same ones she had back then! I did not see him though 😆 anyone who read my other post {linked below} will know who I’m talking about 🤣😂 I dedicated Ceelo Green’s song, “F*ck You” to him for stealing my woman 😭). She has a job she loves. She’s in the same line of work. She’s so successful. She is continuously evolving professionally & personally. She has fulfilling projects and goals she’s working on. She’s well loved in her workplace, community, circle of family & friends. I skimmed back through posts for a while, a few years worth, and she has been doing well for a while now. Again, my body is overcome in so much emotion that feels it can bring me to the ground but now in a good way. It’s so heartwarming to see how much progress she has made with her mental health and self esteem and how successful she still is, how she has been able to maintain her career even with severe mental health issues and debilitating recurring headaches.
She is still so loving and compassionate, still the same girl I knew and loved so many years ago. She has that same smile, and that same heart of pure gold. She posts the exact same photography of hers as years ago, pictures of the rain and Fall leaves. She still loves all the same stuff, humans, animals, books, writing, intellectual conversations. She has all the same views as before. She still lives in and loves Philadelphia, like me! We’re still the same!!
She has her same Instagram account with all the old photos I remember! I saw some of the ones that triggered me back then. Now they just stirred a slight wistful, nostalgic feeling, nothing intense.
And omg!! She is as beautiful as ever. I was so curious about what she looks like today. She’s 55 years old and doesn’t look a day older than she did when I last saw her pictures 7+ years ago. Omg, she’s STUNNING!! She looks exactly the same. Like she doesn’t age! Only thing that changed physically is she is rocking some gorgeous grey hair that suits her perfectly. She still has the same wavy brown, shoulder length hair I remember but now significantly grey (and just as beautiful!) She has the biggest smile. I am so moved and overwhelmed and inspired by her beauty exactly as I was then, but unlike all those years ago, it doesn’t make me want her. It just makes me smile. I could stare at her all day long, day after day, and never get tired of it.
She does still have depressive episodes here & there, but not almost chronic like before and has better self esteem and a great support system of friends and family and colleagues. I’m beaming as I write this. This is as great as I have ever seen her! I couldn’t be happier if it was myself!
Words cannot express the joy I am overwhelmed in, seeing her doing so well. Her smile is so big. Her eyes have a spark in them. She looks so healthy.
And seeing her current pictures, reading her recent blog posts, seeing her in pictures with close friends, even ones she knew back when I knew her, does not hurt me in any way! No old emotions came flooding back. Or almost none. There was a brief sense of nostalgia surging through me looking at some of her recent pictures, seeing her face, the one I knew so well all those years ago. There was also a hint of longing, but I realized it was just reliving memories of old emotions, not a current longing. Nothing came back to haunt me or drown me.
I was afraid it could. But my fear that she may not be alive or may be suffering regularly of the depression was worse than the fear that I may crumble at the fact that I cannot have her.
There is one thing, her talking about her lifelong depression and me completely understanding so intimately in a way that most couldn’t possibly because most never have depression lifelong like we do. Many people experience depression, but usually an episode or as a response to a current difficult situation. We have recurring lifelong depression that has sometimes been almost chronic and sometimes like not having depression at all. I experience a deep close connection to her through this. I just know. This briefly provoked me to wish we could be friends even now. Our experience with depression is so much a part of us that it can’t be separated. I wouldn’t be the me that I am without it. It finds its way into many casual conversations even with strangers. We have depressed days and not depressed days because of how frequent it can be. On any given morning we can wake up depressed out of nowhere or feel it creeping on slowly for no reason or triggered by something. This is something most people wouldn’t truly understand.This is a reason I have always felt a deep connection to Joan Rivers who also lived a life of s*icidal depression.
I will admit there’s one recent post of her and a group of her girls where she wrote something like “best friends for 30+ years, some people are meant to be in your life forever” where I felt a brief surge of that feeling all over again that I experienced years ago, that insecure feeling like why does she love them and not me, what made her reject me, I would have been so happy just to be an acquaintance of hers. Why them but not me? What do they have that I don’t? What made her choose to have them as friends and maintain those relationships for decades but not choose me? Why were they meant to be in her life forever but not me?I confess, I felt rejected all over again. It felt like she slapped me in the face with that post. An automatic, uncontrollable thought or feeling ran through me. What am I lacking that makes me not good enough? If I was in a fragile state of mind, as I sometimes am when my depression is flaring, if I was still so attached to her, this could have pushed me over some edge. But I wasn’t in a fragile state, and I’m not attached to her any longer.
I realized it was just some egoistic thing, me being self important, and was able to let it go almost as quickly as it came, and look at the much more important thing, the only thing that matters, she is happy, healthy, loved, has people to love. It does not matter why she rejected & ghosted me. It doesn’t matter why she doesn’t love me but loves so many others. It’s not about me.
This is the best gift to me, I can’t even put it into words how so happy I am for her. It’s similar to that feeling I express in my other post about her, that joyful feeling years ago where it’s like walking on air, skipping along the streets, frolicking about, wanting to sing & dance. But now it’s not because I’m hoping she’ll ever be mine, it’s a completely detached kind of joy that is only for her, about her living her best life.
If there’s one thing I could say to her it’s I love you, I love you, I love you my sweet, but in a detached way, a way that is only selfless, no expectations, no coveting. I want nothing but the best for you, nothing but happiness and love. And I no longer yearn to be the source of that happiness & love.
She still posts regularly just like years ago. I’m not going to make a habit of looking at her social media account and blog. We’re just not going to be a part of each other’s lives even though it’s what I so desperately wanted for so many years. Our lives briefly crossed, touched, and that forever changed and marked me. And that is enough.
This once is enough for me. It’s all I needed. Now I can truly put it to rest. I found my closure. (I will continue to write dark love poetry inspired by her though just because I love dark love poetry, and real experiences make for the best poetry lol)
I am also thankful that this experience shows me how healed and mentally ok I am, myself. There was a day it just k!lled me, triggered depression, even s*icidal thoughts in me, triggered insecurity in me, feelings like I’m not good enough for her or anyone, to see pictures of her and posts by her knowing she rejected me and not knowing why. There was a day her beauty was so tantalizing to me I couldn’t live without it. I couldn’t live with the pain of knowing someone so beautiful exists and will never be mine. Now her beauty is still just as mindblowing, but I can just bask in it and move along.
I was also mortified, humiliated about the sappy, clingy messages I sent her and then being rejected. I’m still embarrassed today. I was concerned that seeing her again, even if just online, would trigger me to be humiliated all over again to where it was interfering with life. I spilled my heart & soul, my guts to her all those years ago and so deeply regretted it because I would have been happy enough just being social media friends, but she unfriended me because of my messages, and also regretted it because of the embarrassment that plagued me. I wondered if she showed anyone my messages to her and if they judged me. I was afraid that would come back. But that did not happen!
I am so glad I looked her up. 😁
And oh yes, I mentioned in that last December post that I can’t believe I forgot the color of her eyes. I zoomed in on one of her recent pictures 😆 They’re dark, they look brown. It’s a bit hard to tell. I was afraid I would slip when I was zooming in and like one of her pictures. That’s all I need, I would seriously just die. I can imagine her thinking “Oh, her again.” Or “is she going to come back every decade?” 🤣😂
I was also afraid I would see a screencapture of my messages I wrote years ago. Like if she shared any parts of them to comment (she wouldn’t post my name or ridicule me, she’s not like that, but she may just to critique or share her thoughts on them, I’m still embarrassed and slightly more than I have been the last ten years now that I been thinking of her more lol).
Would I love to have her as my friend? Yes!! But I am completely ok loving her at a distance and accepting she was never going to be mine. I can’t say I’m 100% over it or healed, it may be one of those things that leaves a light scar forever, but a scar that is completely ok and just part of who we are.
I will probably always wonder, though the question doesn’t plague me like it did back then, why she rejected me to the point of ghosting/unfriending instead of ignoring my messages but staying social media friends. I understand not wanting to respond, maybe she felt awkward telling me she’s not interested in me. I understand if she did not want a close relationship with me. Not everyone is emotionally attracted to everyone in a way that makes them want that level of closeness with someone. Not everyone wants to be personal, active friends with everyone even in a way that isn’t close. There are people I like but am not interested in being friends with them but wouldn’t mind having them as online friends and definitely people I like but not in a way I want to be super close, emotionally. But to this day I do wonder why she did not even like me seeing as how so very similar we always were. And she had no problem with me in the first place. She never showed much interest in me, but she kept me around. Until the love confession. I never explicitly asked her to be anything to me. I came to the conclusion years ago that I must have come on too strongly, we were barely even acquaintances, she never even showed the slightest interest in me, never initiated communication with me, and I’m gushing all over the place about how much I love & have always loved her, how great we could be together, and sharing my entire life story in paragraphs & paragraphs. Lol Maybe it was too much, maybe she was creeped out. Who knows? And it’s mostly to the point where I can even say who cares. But I probably always will wonder why, maybe even wonder with a pang.
Just another random pic of me lol I like to add a few photos to my posts ♥️ This sweater is SO comfy & warm & soft, I love it!! The leggings are too, they have fake fur inside them.
I don’t currently have close friends. And that brings me so much pain & loneliness off & on. I am happy I have a group I occasionally meet up with and have fun with hanging out. But I haven’t made any deep connections yet since my college friends and me drifted apart (their choice, not mine) some years ago. It’s important to have deep friendship (for the average person, some don’t need it), especially with depression. I know the pain of that lack, so I’m so glad that she has that.
I am just so happy!! I am so happy that she is so great and surrounded by so much love and is fulfilled in life. I couldn’t ask for a better gift to me today.
Not only am I happy for her, it gives me hope for others in a dark place. What an inspiration! To see how she was able to turn her whole life around.
And omg, she’s so lovely!! ♥️♥️♥️ I’m so happy I got to see what she looks like now. So intoxicating. Gave me a big energy boost. Dopamine, adrenaline, serotonin or whatever lol
She looks similar to Tina Fey (people have always told her this, and I do see the resemblance). She has the sexy librarian, smart girl look. She still wears the same glasses that I have always thought she looked so adorable in!
Tina Fey ♥️Tina Fey
Just for some eye candy and an idea of what she looks like, here’s Tina Fey lol
Here is my post this current post is referring to. It’s super long!!
CONGRATULATIONS TO………. . . . . MY FUTURE KIDNEY RECIPIENT!!!
(Whoever you are 😆)
💚🫘💚🫘
One lucky, unsuspecting person (possibly two) is going to get The Call soon!
Yup, It’s official!!
LEFTY & ME WERE ACCEPTED FOR ALTRUISTIC KIDNEY DONATION!!
I got the news this morning and have been floating in the clouds since then.
After six months of interviews, extensive medical & psychiatric testing, paperwork… I’m judged by the selection committee to be physically healthy enough and emotionally stable enough to be a living organ donor!! How amazing!!
By the end of this year, my left kidney will have a new home, giving someone else possibly 20+ more years of the gift of health & life!
I’m signing my kidney away today! The transplant nurse sent me the consent form! I can, of course, change my mind even after signing. But I won’t lol
It has been my dream to be an altruistic kidney donor for many years since I was young and first learned about it. Now I’m finally getting around to it! It’s a dream come true!!
I knew I was accepted even before I was told because the nurse was so cheerful. As soon as she said “Good Morning, Kim!!!” I knew! After she told me, I was beaming, and an indescribable feeling came over me unlike anything I have experienced before. This has been my dream for YEARS! I tried a few years ago to donate to whoever was next on the wait list who I’m a match for. But then the virus broke out, and everything changed and was put on hold, and I couldn’t continue the process.
I can donate to any person registered with the National Kidney Registry even if we aren’t a match. If we’re not a dna match, that person would get a kidney voucher, and my kidney would go to the next person I’m a match for, then my chosen recipient would get the next kidney available that’s a match for them (estimated to be a few months after the donor surgery) through my donation. So it helps two people, my intended recipient who I chose & my direct recipient, who will actually have my kidney! Can’t go wrong there! ❤️
I have a specific person I’m trying to help, a 75 year old man in Pennsylvania. I never communicated with him, he doesn’t know I exist. I saw his request on a subway late one night when out for work months ago. He doesn’t have much longer to live because of kidney failure. If for any reason it doesn’t work with him, my kidney will go to whoever is in need who I’m a match for. They’re contacting him to tell him he has a donor after being sick for so long and almost near death.
I thank my transplant team so so much for trusting me and having faith in my ability and accepting me. And also for their kindness and compassion. I told my nurse that today and will again! The whole team is very very kind, gentle, and friendly. Just being around them during the testing melted all my anxiety away. I’m not afraid of the surgery or kidney removal, but the medical & psychiatric testing was a bit anxiety provoking at first lol
I’m glad I chose Penn Transplant Institute to trust my life with!! 💚🫘
I hope you are having a beautiful day or night wherever in the world you are!
(If any words are censored, like “wh!te,” it’s because I may share this on FB where we can get our accounts suspended for it lol The word wh!te has gotten people suspended, something to do with racial issues, and FB doesn’t detect context, also I censor common trigger words for people with tr@uma history, don’t think there’s any here though)
This morning, I saw a woman (or fem presenting person) standing alone on a street corner who was so beautiful, she took my breath away and almost gave me butterflies. I was struck. I was out walking and casually looked over then saw her. I stopped for a second just to look. It was a kind of breathtaking beauty that is physical but also runs deeper. Like an inner beauty was making her physical beauty even more beautiful. It was like her inner beauty just existing there made her extra lovely. It was nothing she did, nothing she said. Just existence.
It was love at first sight. Truly.
I love everyone in a universal sense, but this wasn’t that.
Instantly I felt a kind of fluttering in my chest. It did almost feel like large butterfly wings hitting against my ribcage over & over for a minute after I first saw her. It’s so rare for me to experience that, but I have before when I see/encounter a woman I have some sort of inclination for. It was in the chest, not the stomach. I don’t think it was my heart. It made me laugh in giddiness. It was thrilling. I was thinking if we got to know each other and became close, I could tell even in ten+ years I would still get this feeling upon looking at her. I can still feel some of it lingering as I write. It was the most briefest encounter but with long lasting effect.
I’m an aromantic woman and don’t get butterflies exactly but have some sort of emotional & physical reaction (not physical arousal lol) sometimes to other women, it’s not romantic or sexual but has some of the “ingredients” or nuances of romantic. It’s not less intense or less pleasant, just doesn’t involve everything that sexual/romantic attraction does but involves “more” or is a bit different than typical platonic. It’s often referred to in the aromantic/asexual community as alterous attraction/love or queerplatonic attraction/love. It can be more invested or intimate (non sexual for me) than usual platonic. Sometimes I experience a head to toe full body tingling (again, not arousal lol) or tingling in the fingertips upon seeing a woman, only masc women for that though. A fluttering in the chest. Sometimes a racing heart, not because of anxiety but because of thrill. I don’t get that rollercoaster feeling in the ab that the romantics speak of or a feeling that’s drawing me to them like a magnet or a feeling like I have to be all over them constantly or I’ll explode lol I also have no desire to ask them out or be asked out on a date and no desire to “build a life/future” with them. But would love to be each other’s “person,” if that makes sense. It does to us aces & aros lol It’s an intense emotional attraction that can turn to love, a kind of love that is more prominent than typical platonic, not more valid or better, just more invested. It can inspire us to want someone as a non romantic life partner. It makes me want to be each other’s most important person (though I can settle for me being second lol not someone’s second choice if they couldn’t have someone else but second love if they have a slightly more important relationship to them, I can’t be someone’s lover, but I can be a very invested/intimate friend/non romantic partner, possible “cuddle buddy” or friend with sensual benefits if I have that sensual & emotional inclination together, I usually just have the emotional aspect).
She looked to be around fifty years old, maybe slightly younger. An attractively thin wh!te woman, at least as tall as I am, possibly slightly taller. Dark brown, wavy shoulder length hair. Well put together. She looked youthful and like she could still be considered a young woman than “older woman” even though her age seemed to be what society considers “older.” She had a large shoulder bag over her shoulder and was holding a phone and looking around completely oblivious to anything around her. She looked somewhat distracted, possibly a bit anxious, almost in a vulnerable state. If I had to guess, I would say something wasn’t going as planned and she wasn’t sure what to do. Probably why she was holding her phone and looking around the way she was with wide eyes. Looked like she was waiting for someone who wasn’t showing up. Who could stand up such a beautiful woman is beyond me. Couldn’t be me. lol
She was wearing classy but casual, comfortable, but dressy looking clothing. A tan dressy jacket over a white shirt and tan capri pants. I don’t remember her shoes. I was more focused on her stunningly beautiful angelic face. She had a gentle smile at some points.She seemed like a professional/career woman. Not sure why, but I got those vibes. Something about the way she moved/stood and her dress style. It was like a kind of professionalism carried over into personal life. But of course I could be wrong.
She reminded me of another woman I used to know, this other woman was extremely beautiful inside & out, and looking at this woman was almost like looking at her. She looked very similar and had a gentle kind-hearted face. The feels that came over me just seeing her. Just thinking back, I can feel that fluttering and giddiness, like walking on air or like I just won the billion dollar lotto, just by catching a glance of her. Lol If I did not know this other woman I knew, I would still have some sort of reaction to this one, but it was much more intense because of how she reminded me of the other one. It was like a small part of my brain mistaking her for her, but I still knew she isn’t her. I don’t know this woman’s personality like I knew the other woman’s. So the memory of that personality in combination with seeing her physical appearance looking so similar to the other woman’s was driving this very intense experience. I imagined being near her would be like being near her. The second “her” being the other woman. It was a super intense yearning.
She was surrounded by so many strangers walking around and attending events at the nearby park. But all I saw was her. It was like the world came to a sudden standstill and froze on her. I’m too shy to approach a stranger, and even if I did, what would I even say? Will you be my friend forever, my queerplatonic love, you’re so pretty, let’s get together for a friend date? 😆 Actually that should be normalized but would have probably creeped her out lol What I experienced for her was platonic based but stronger or different than typical platonic. Just seeing her inspired me to want to get to know her with the intention of becoming bff’s, possibly platonic life partners to an extent. Nothing physical except friendly platonic hugs. If she was a masc woman, kisses & full on cuddles. She’s probably heterosexual and so probably couldn’t develop a very invested certain level of intimate emotional attraction to another woman like a lesbian oriented aromantic woman could, but I would still love to be close regular platonic friends/bff’s lol
She was a fem girl, so I did not experience sensual attraction (non sexual cuddling, skin to skin contact..), I mostly only have that for masc women. Less often, I can experience a hint of it or a very limited sensual attraction to fem women. Also, sometimes I can experience sensual inclination for women that is more rooted in affection than actual attraction, though not common for me. For this woman, there was none of that. But I did experience a kind of instant emotional attraction, mostly inspired by the fact that she reminded me of someone else I knew and had that emotional connection to, and just her face was so kind and so so pretty. I could have stood & stared all day. But I walked away.
There’s no doubt in my mind the woman I saw today is kind and sweet and compassionate and soft and gentle. I know that’s judging just by one glance and people would say just me projecting or creating her in my image. And that’s technically true. But I believe it’s true that if I got to talking to her, my judgement would be correct. My judgementabout the other woman I met years ago, who I often thought of as my soulmate, was correct. Some would say that’s just a coincidence. But I say it’s a knowing.
As a strictly asexual woman, I don’t experience sexual attraction (no desire for sexual contact, seeing them in the nude and stuff, no physical arousal/libido triggered by looking at anyone, no sexual thoughts or fantasies about anyone, nothing like that even crosses my mind, and I don’t mind that, I’m naturally just not interested) or even know what that feels like, but I experience powerful aesthetic attraction in its place, to women/women aligned/fem presenting people. Aesthetic attraction is something experienced by many asexual people and usually not experienced by non asexual people, though it can be. It’s more than just thinking someone is good looking. It stirs something in me and is a deeply moving experience. It intoxicates me. It’s like being drunk on beauty. It’s one of my favorite things in life. I used to sneak playboy magazines in my dad’s office as a teenager and hide in the work closet with them when I visited his work,just to see the beautiful women and feel drunk. Lol It can even lift layers of a depressive episode sometimes if I’m in one and see a beautiful woman. It’s possible for it to be an orientation on its own. Homoaesthetic, heteroaesthetic, biaesthetic… I’m homoaesthetic, but all my attractions are to other women. So I just identify mostly as a lesbian oriented asexual woman. Sometimes lesbian oriented aroace, but that’s less easy for people to understand. They don’t understand emotional attraction without the romantic aspect.
Aesthetic attraction plays a part in my non regular platonic emotional attraction to a woman (I don’t exactly experience romantic attraction but some aspects of it). Just like sexual attraction, my aesthetic attraction can make me want to get to know someone, though I can also experience it and not care to get to know them, usually that’s the case. I experience aesthetic attraction to many many women/fem presenting people everyday, all day. But on rare occasions there’s something more to it than just wanting to stare, something deeper and even more inspiring. Something that brings me such joy & happiness and reminds me something is missing, something I have longed for all life long. It’s a beautiful longing, mixed with pain & hope, thrill.
I’m sharing this just because I’m inspired and also to share some of what it’s like to be an asexual aromantic woman with “lesbian leanings” as it’s known in the aro/ace community. We’re not all oriented, but many of us are. We experience what are known as tertiary attractions, attractions that are not romantic/sexual but strong and prominent enough to feel they warrant a lable next to our asexual/aromantic one (lesbian/bi/gay/pan/hetero… oriented aro/ace) and inspire us to want some sort of relationship with someone that isn’t romantic/sexual but more prominent or closer than typical platonic usually is. Tertiary attractions include aesthetic, emotional, alterous, sensual, intellectual…most people experience all their attractions together. But those of us on the A spectrums experience some and not others.
What I experienced for this woman and others is rare, or maybe slightly more common than rare but not common,but recurring throughout life since I was a little girl. My longing for emotional closeness to a deep extent and craving for physical/sensual touch isn’t rare, but my actual attractions to specific women are. I wish I experienced it more frequently. It’s pleasant when it happens lol But I can relive it in my memories. It’s not rare that I love and want to be friends with certain people. I love people of any genders and can want to be close friends. It’s rare when it happens a certain way like here. I’m glad for the experience when it does occur!
I hope you’re having a beautiful day or night wherever in the world you are!
A Dose of Inspiration 