Tag Archive | gratitude

Joy & Pain β€β€πŸ’”❀

This isn’t my good news but someone else’s! I want to share because I’m so happy & thankful even though it isn’t to do with me or anyone close to me. A girl I went to school with when we were kids, her dad is friend’s with my dad and her mom was very sick recently. She had cancer and things were not looking good. She received her last treatment last month or the one before and was just tested again and the disease is completely gone!! So amazing! I’m flooded with relief and overwhelmed in gratitude. She was so sick and in pain and is now completely better!

Also, her daughter just had a baby so now they have a new addition to celebrate with. I don’t know them well but we are friends on social media and once in a while I see her posts.

My sweet eleven year old pitbull girl died a couple weeks ago, unexpectedly and it’s devastating & shattering and the house feels so dead and empty even though I have other pets. She was so big and had a big personality. We adopted her over nine years ago. The lack of her presence seems unbearable. I never experienced worse pain. I would have taken her place if I could so that she can go on living her happy life. But she was a good age for a dog, especially a large one, to live to. I knew the day would eventually come, just not this soon. β€πŸ’”β€

(My beautiful baby, Isis Summerjo ❀)

It’s good to read happy news in the midst of my grief. πŸ’ž

The world is full of joy & pain, negativity & positivity, laughter & tears, light & darkness, good & bad, hatred & love….and we can choose which to focus on the most. I choose the light, the happy, the positive, the love!

My love goes out to everyone in your happy situation or devastating situation. In your goodness, I celebrate with you, even if just in spirit, and in your sadness, I embrace you. β€πŸ’—

Much love & light,

Xoxo

Kim

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More good news!!!❀

(Photo not mine)

Hero – Mariah Carey
Look inside you and be strong
And you’ll finally see the truth
That a hero lies in you❀

Yes, I love being the bearer of happy news!! 😁

A lady who I know, named Susan, told me last week about a rowing competition she was going to be in over the weekend. She’s very good at it and it’s one of her passions. She asked me to say a little prayer for her. I don’t pray but I did try to send some positive energy her way. Not that I believe that would help her win but it can’t hurt! And, like prayer, it can help let people know we wish them well.

I hoped she would win just as much as if I was in the competition myself and wanted to win! And I just found out today that she won FIRST PLACE!! I’m so, so happy!

She showed me her medal and it’s beautiful! Some parts of it are pink! πŸ’—

When I was thinking about preparing this blog post just to share my good news, I thought it would be sweet to share an inspirational quote along with it and this one popped into my head.

The only disability in life is a bad attitude.

Susan has a dog who is physically disabled, permanently. He developed spinal stenosis a couple years ago and his vet suggested Susan and her mom (who she lives with) have him euthanized but they knew that wasn’t the answer. They love him like their kid/grandkid and saw potential in him. (He is not suffering in any way or in pain; he just cannot walk on his own or stand up)

So as part of my job, I visit them and help a physical therapist help Bandit walk again. He needs a cart/doggy wheelchair but he can move his legs again and even run sometimes! He just cannot hold himself up without his cart on wheels.

He is a very happy and spoiled and healthy ten year old boy! He loves treats, kisses, and toys! And bubbles! He can now move his legs more and pull himself up but not stand. Also, he recently began to “run” in his sleep! His little legs move back and forth. So cute! Actually, he’s a big mountain dog so his legs aren’t little!

Bandit gives me bunches of wet, sloppy kisses while we’re putting him in his wheelchair! Sometimes, he kisses me so much, it’s hard to get the job done!😍😁 Mary & Susan say I’m his favorite girl!

After thinking of this quote and thinking it’s a great quote for this post since Bandit has a disability, I remembered Susan also has a physical disability. She was born permanently paralyzed at the waist down. She is also very happy and healthy. I never thought of her own disability while planning this post and even after thinking about this quote. When I think of Susan, I think only of her positive disposition, her kindness for others, and her bright smile, and love for her dog.

Susan and her mom are both very loving, positive people. They’re universal lovers, like me. They welcome anyone into their house for holidays or events so no one has to be alone(If I lived alone, I would do this too!).

Susan’s mom, Mary, is 86 years old and very healthy! She has arthritis and osteoporosis but she gets around very well and her doctor told her she’ll live to be over 100 years old with the great health she’s in!

Susan, Mary, and Bandit all have physical limitations but they don’t let that stop them ever. Very inspiring!

We may have a physical disability, learning disability, or psychological disability like depression or anxiety but the true disability is a bad attitude.

A bad attitude will disable us much more than a medical disability ever can. There are people with no arms and legs, deaf/blind people, ones with chronic illness and pain, people with depression/anxiety, very old people, those who are grieving…who have achieved remarkable things while in their state. There are dogs and cats with only three legs or less and ones with legs that don’t work and are still happy.

Susan, & Bandit, & Mary are examples.

A medical disability doesn’t disable us. Disabled people are very able! It’s our attitude that holds us back when it’s not good.

And we have control over our attitude. Even if we can’t change it this very moment, we can work on it in small ways to make it better and better if it’s currently negative. Make gratitude lists, meditate, positive affirmations, looking at the bright side, focus on the beauty all around….all ways to be more positive. Even mental health issues and attitude can be separated. We can have depression or anxiety but still have a positive attitude about it.

So let’s remember to turn that frown upside down and be positive! We aren’t disabled unless we choose to be.

The main point of my post was originally to share Susan’s good news but there’s so much inspiration in her story so I’m also sharing the life lessons!

I hope you are having a beautiful day or night wherever in the world you are! ❀❀❀

Xoxo Kim

Summer Luvin’πŸ˜πŸŒ»πŸƒπŸŒžβ˜€οΈπŸ₯€

Southern Nights – Glen Campbell

Southern skies
Have you ever noticed Southern skies?
Its precious beauty lies just beyond the eye
It goes running through your soul
Like the stories told of old

Old man, he and his dog
They walk the old land
Every flower touched his cold hand
As he slowly walked by
Weeping willows would cry for joy, joy
Feels so good
Feels so good, it’s frightening

I have been more happy & thankful than usual this year for Summer! All four seasons are beautiful and I love to stop & appreciate the beauty of each one. But I must admit that often during Summer, I find myself dreaming of Fall & Winter wanting it to hurry up and get here. This year though, I havent had those thoughts. Maybe I’m getting better with my mindfulness lifestyle or maybe I’m just loving Summer more. Or maybe a lil bit of both?! πŸ¦‹πŸŒπŸœπŸπŸžπŸ•·πŸŒΈπŸŒ»πŸŒžβ˜€οΈ

Anyway, I have been really feelin’ those Summer vibes & loving it! I’m not waiting for Summer to be over this year though I won’t mind when it is. Every season is lovely and each one brings out the beauty of the others more. Living in a place where all four are different, is a gift!

Also, I havent been on any fun vacations this Summer and very likely, I wont be. I have never been the biggest fan of going on vacations but wouldnt mind going on one. I dont have money usually and no one to go with. A girl can go on vacation alone and still have fun but I’m an extrovert and prefer doing things like that with others. I love my own company but still love the idea of hanging out with people.

My point is that we don’t need vacations or even staycations with bbqs and friend/family activities(though that is amazing!!) to channel those summer vibes and make some of our best memories ever!

I’m just soaking up the sunshine with my dogs (both my own and those im a nanny for) and loving the beauty all around me! I love that it’s July and even during the scortching heatwaves where it’s all humid, sticky, and disgusting, I love it! I walk all around the city (not in these shoes!) and bask in all the beauty it has to offer me.

When I dream of the future, I see me simply sitting by the Riverside with an iced latte(probably a mocha one!) and a book in my hand, preferably a Buddha book! And it thrills me!

I see posts on social media, often posted by moms of young children, about people feeling unhappy or low about the fact that their friends and others are doing amazing things like going to beaches and waterparks and other summery places to have fun while theyre at home doing nothing of that sort.

Hugs to anyone who feels this way!

Let’s remember we dont need extravagant things to be happy! We can be happy in our own back yard or living room or front porch. Some of my most cherished memories and best days are simple, uneventful ones with just myself, a cup of tea, and a thrilling book or movie!

Best Days ❀ (An old blog post of mine about how any ole day can be the absolute best)

So here is a reminder to make the best of where we are now whether it’s the best season (in nature or in life) or a not so pleasant one to us. We are HERE! Let’s love it & bloom where we’re planted. This is my baby right here. She always remembers to stop and appreciate the simple joys of life like smelling the flowers and rolling around in the grass and snow. She was a shelter dog for a long while then she found the perfect loving furever home with her sweet mommies! I am her nanny!😍 Best job ever!!

There is an abundance of beauty & joy all around, right here, right now.

Here are just some of the pictures I have that capture the Summer luvin’ in each day!❀

Much love & light to you,

Xoxo Kim

So, so thankful!!!❀

Best news ever!! This lil baby was found alive & well and is now back with his family! I’m just posting this to express my gratitude that he was found alive, not hurt, and is back home. There are dogs who aren’t so lucky. He lives right where I do. I never met him or heard of him til he got lost. Since he was found and is back home, I blocked out the phone number in case they don’t want their number online now. That’s what that weird thing is where it says to call. Lol Instead of blurring it, it added letters or something. I kept hoping and hoping he would be found alive & returned home. I’m filled with deep gratitude that that’s the reality. The fact that he was running towards the highway concerned me. He is a four year old Boston Terrier. Look at that adorable face!! How sweet!! I thought he was a French Bulldog! I’m usually good at identifying dog breeds but I get Frenchies & Bostons mixed up a lot. Also, im not sure why they refer to their own dog as an “it.”

???

But he’s back home!!😍

Have any good news to share?? Let me know!! I love to celebrate the goodness all around!❀

(P.s. let’s remember to check leashes, collars, harnesses, doors…and make sure they are secure! We don’t want those babies getting away!)

Xoxo Kim

Always look on the bright side of lifeπŸ˜πŸŒžπŸ’›

Some things in life are bad
They can really make you mad
Other things just make you swear and curse
When you’re chewing on life’s gristle
Don’t grumble, give a whistle and this’ll help things turn out for the best
And…
Always look on the bright side of life

Bright Side of Life (song)

Sometimes, I share posts on facebook with heartwarming stories about animals who were abused/severely injured and left to die but were suddenly rescued by Earth angels and saved then forstered & adopted! How beautiful! Whenever I share a post like this, theres almost always someone who comments or reacts with the crying face emoji.

This doesnt resonate with me because im prone to seeing the bright side of things, not always but usually. I have a natural inclination to see the good and I have strengthened that natural inclination with personal development techniques like meditation and intentional gratitude practice. I definitely still have room to evolve!

Instead of crying about the dogs being abused & injured, abandoned, neglected…why not rejoice in the fact that they are now healed and have loving furever homes? Of course it’s sad, devastating, that those poor babies had to suffer like that. But we have a choice to focus on that or focus on the happy ending.

This goes for everything in this life. We can dwell on the pain, negativity, unpleasant or give thanks for the good, the beauty, the pleasant.

This is a great reminder to me even though I’m generally positive. Recently, I let myself sink into a deep, dark, depression because of something I wish was different. Depression is an illness but we do have some degree of control over certain aspects. Through the years, I have learned how to often prevent a fullblown episode of depression before it hits, when I can feel it about to come on.

If I would have made the choice to not dwell on this thing I wish was different and instead give thanks for everything that is good and all the life lessons learned through the “bad,” there’s a good chance, I would have prevented the hell I was living in for over a month. After it already pulled me in, there was no getting out of it until it finally ended, gradually, on its own. I already receive professional help but still struggle with it on and off.

So it’s especially important for me to remember to look on the bright side of life!

And, I want to share this screen capture of a photo of this beautiful girl! She was on an episode of The Ellen Show. I remember her expressing compassion for people with any sort of struggle such as job less. She said we’re all in this together. This is a woman who lost her toddler son in a tragic accident. She LOST HER SON! He died. Like, he’s never coming back. He was laughing and playing one second and a second later, he was gone forever. And she can still smile like this. And express compassion for others who have experienced nothing near as horrific as what she has experienced & still experiences after such a significant loss. Awe-inspiring.

A sweet reminder to us all!

Much love & light,

Xoxo Kim❀

It’s a confession session!!😁

“You can take the darkness from the pit of the night
and turn into a beacon burning endlessly bright”

Making love out of nothing – air supply

I wrote this like three weeks ago(??) but just posting it now. I have been in the throes of a deep, dark depression. It really had a firm hold on me. This is the longest & worst one in years. It’s like something crushing my whole body. My head felt like a pancake. Like something so heavy, flattening it. These episodes used to last for months then began only lasting a couple weeks. This one is over a month now and so intense. I have not been handling this as well as I usually handle them. Also if you read this post, you will see I mention a friend who is no longer my friend. Maybe we are still friends but it’s not like it used to be. I have been struggling with this grief. Not grief like when someone dies but a kind of grief for something that isn’t the same anymore. Thank you for the sweet comments!! I will get back to you. My head has been so heavy, I was hardly able to see straight. There are so many things to be happy about and I am and still genuinely laugh & smile but underneath it all, there was this emptiness, loneliness, sorrow, pain, this purposelessness. This Sickness crushing my existence. It’s extremely rare for me to say/think negative things about myself even when im depressed. But with this depression, I have been. I felt like this episode was trying to end but then something kept pulling me back into it. It’s like quicksand pulling me and the more I struggled, the deeper it pulled me in. But at least it’s not my physical pain disorder acting up(it does off & on but nothing very serious recently), which is worse than this in a way.

Two days ago was the first full day in forty days that I had no suicidal thoughts/urges/contemplation. It was gray outside & rainy but I felt like the sun was shining on me non stop all day & night. I couldnt stop smiling.

I am generally very happy but with recurring episodes of severe depression, usually for no reason.

It seems I am coming out of this depression now. It started to lift but I can still feel the aftermath of it. Like if you have ever had a bad cold or influenza and it’s over or about to be you can still feel the effects of it. I have been hit hard. After over a month of thick, heavy layers upon layers of nearly debilitating depression, my body has some healing to do. But my sense of self is stronger again. It feels like if Im not careful, it can pull me back in as Im not completely healed yet. So I have to be mindful of it for a while and be especially careful of triggers. This thing is just like any physical illness that can flare up. No matter what anyone says or believes about it, I am convinced it’s a disease. I know what it does to me, not just my mood and thought process but my physical body as well. It is a disease. But I still have the ability to make choices that can help it.

This post is long so I want to add more pics so here is one of me on June 5th, I think. I was happy to be in a park on a sunny & breezy day with my best friend furever (my dog[actually she isnt mine but i love her the same]).

So here is my post(written three weeks ago).

Ok, so I have a confession! Very awkward lol

I have been severely depressed & suicidal since May 3, 2018. It’s bad. It was triggered by an external factor (not like some big incident, just someone who was my good friend for many years and my closest friend is not my friend anymore [he replaced me with someone else; it happened gradually over the last few months and the depression hit me hard that day & is ongoing- it’s not his fault Im suicidal & depressed though as no one but me is responsible for my happiness]and now I have no one and it has completely devastated my whole life) and now just took on a life of its own. Two of the most annoying symptoms are, nothing has any flavor and I cant concentrate on anything. Also, forget about sleeping! There is this devastating sense of complete worthlessness & lack of purpose. Like theres no reason for me to be here in this world and im stuck here and no matter what I do, there is no point and like it will always be this way. My existence is totally worthless. Often when a depressive episode hits, I can tell myself it’s just an illness lying to me, not really that Im worthless but with this one, it’s hard. It seems like it’s not really an illness afflicting me but true pointlessness/worthlessness. There is external evidence. And on top of it, I cant taste anything. Everything is so bland. It’s like everything is covered with something.

Certain songs still inspire me and bring some sense of life into the numbness like the song sung by Air Supply Im sharing here. But everything else is blah. Im sharing this song because it deeply inspires me. It seems like a sad breakup song but just look at those lyrics!

Everytime I see you all the rays of the sun are
Streaming through the waves in your hair
And every star in the sky is taking aim at
Your eyes like a spotlight
The beating of my heart is a drum, and it’s lost
And it’s looking for a rhythm like you
You can take the darkness from the pit of the night
And turn into a beacon burning endlessly bright
I’ve gotta follow it

Isn’t this so beautiful? This person is a light for someone else even in his/her own pain and even when they are no longer together.

The man is singing to someone who has experienced great pain and can take the darkness & use it to become light. He is inspired even though this person seems to have left him. How incredibly beautiful & deeply inspiring!

Everything has become a hassle. I struggle to do simple, mundane things like walking. It’s taking the life right out of me.

And I have lost much of my sense of self. I have also been experiencing anger, which is not typical of me even when I’m depressed. But now Im walking around harboring anger, some occasions more than others. It’s not even really directed at anyone or anything specifically but does tend to show in my interactions with people. Im not unhappy with my whole life in general; it was one thing and like I said, now became a thing of its own and so Im taking it out on everything and not thankful for anything good I have. It’s not fury, just ordinary anger. I dont know what to do because there isn’t anything specifically I want to change necesarily. It’s just everywhere I go, I am surrounded in darkness & crushed by some invisible thing. Im in a different world than everyone else. This is not my choice and not merely a bad mood.

All of my passion is gone. I used to love walking, working, being out & about, now it’s all just an obligation that I have to force myself to do. I know my love for it is still here somewhere and can feel it but it’s now dormant. Even my dogs sense something wrong with me and try to make me better. And I push them away. So they try harder. It’s funny & cute.

It is possible to be very depressed and still have a positive attitude about it. And usually I do. But with this one, I have the absolute WORST attitude about it. I choose to. I’m making a choice in each moment to approach this battle with a lousy attitude. Lol At least im admitting it!

I’m so done with this life. Im not even waiting for this episode to end because I really dont think it’s going to.

My mom wants me to go to a hospital but I’m not.

I am still my very easily amused self though! That hasnt changed at all. I still have genuine belly laughs everyday! And my smile is sincere. Even though Im deeply depressed, I am not miserable or gloomy or bitter. Some people think when depressed people smile, joke, or laugh, it’s a coverup to hide the pain. But im not trying to hide anything. If I was, then I wouldnt be posting this. I am just naturally lighthearted & cheerful even when my whole body is heavy with depression. Not all of us are fakes. Depressed people can still smile & laugh & love for real.

I must admit that I still have things to be joyful about and they do bring me joy but even that true joy doesnt make me want to live. I still savor the moments of simple joy. Each occasion Im with a furball, a cool breeze on a hot day, all the Spring flowers (I sometimes stop to inhale the scents, so beautiful), a belly laugh, saying hello to a friendly stranger…it’s not the same though, with depression.

As bad as this depression is, one of the worst I have ever experienced, for sure, it is not the worst thing I ever felt. Grief and cluster-like headaches are worse (at least to me) even though grief & loss and those physical headaches dont usually contribute to me wanting to die and this severe depression does. Interesting right?! This somewhat lesser pain gets me wanting to die more than more severe pain. It’s a different kind of pain though. It doesnt always have to do with severity level but the kind it is.

This depression sucks but sure is better than those headaches! At this moment, I would choose this over those devastating, horrifying headaches.

I recently came across some things that surprised and amused and inspired me.

I found this one during a very difficult struggle last week, I think(I have no sense of time anymore), walking up the street in the rain. I was desperate for anything to ease my mind and right then, I saw a fortune cookie, broken, on the ground. I picked up the pieces and read the fortune before eating the cookie! Lol jk I did read the fortune but did not eat the cookie!

I laughed out loud because it’s so coincidental and perfect for my situation. It’s true that people want us to succeed, even strangers! People are always stopping to help others and sending gifts to those in need in the midst of tragedies, donating blood and money and other things. Anyway, it doesnt matter if people are rooting for us or not but the thing is, they are!

One day, I was in a car thinking about killing myself just as I looked over and saw this. Lol

I was at a subway recently (not to kill myself but for a different reason) and it was on my mind and then I saw this. Im not calling the number but I love the message. ❀

I told my mom and she is 100% convinced they are some sort of supernatural “signs” that I should stay in the world. I dont believe in signs like that at all. To me, they are coincidences. But I was still happy to see them.

My mom was angry at me because she was talking to me and I got angry and started saying negative things. She recently called my friend, the one who replaced me, a rude word, only to me, not to his face, and then later while talking to me again about something else, I brought it up and said it was rude of her to call him that and that she probably thinks it of me also. And my sister was also angry at me because she was concerned about me (i was out late one night without my phone n she thought I got murdered and i had like 20 annoying messages)and I told her to fuck off. She then told me to go fuck my self. Lol I was amused when she said it to me. My mom said we have terrible language. I rarely talk like this! Im posting this so people can see the truth, that im not sweet, kind, and beautiful like people seem to think. Im not constantly angry and rude or snippy like this, more often I’m not. I still smile at strangers and say hello and want to help people in need. So it’s not that im like a horrible monster or psycho. But im also not beautiful and pleasant like im often mistaken for.

It feels that something has invaded me, invaded my body, my existence, my whole life. A dark, heavy cloud or quilt just hangs over me everywhere I go. It weighs on me physically. I have felt the life force drained right out of me and dont know that I will ever get it back. I dont know that I will ever be the happy girl I was. This is my life now. This isnt a usual episode of suicidal depression that I have occasionally. Those are nothing new. They come and go and Im generally happy. This thing is worse. This one has ruined me.

My body has never been so sick. It’s like each part of me weighs 1000 pounds. It feels like my body is producing extra blood and making me extra heavy and hard to move. My ass drags. Lol Im not trying to be funny but I did just make myself laugh with that.

Now maybe someday the suns gonna shine
Flowers will bloom and all will be fine
But nothing’ll grow on this burnt cursed ground
‘Cause the breath of the death is the only sound

A strange thing is, somehow, deep inside, I have have this suspicion. I suspect that I can & will get better, that I can be that girl again. The happy girl, full of life, passion. It’s just this faint inkling deep within that I really do have what it takes to get back to myself, to not live in darkness, in pain, in emptinenss. I know it’s my responsibility to get better. But I dont care to embrace that small spark of hope. I dont have the motivation, the strength to hope or try to fix. I have this angry tenacity that wants to extinguish that speck of hope, that glimpse of Knowing. I want to drown it and just disappear forever. But I can feel it here.

(Me today)

Fun fact: I dont care what I look like anymore (I was never overly concerned even when Im not depressed – I go out in pjs sometimes and with no makeup n ratty hair!😁) or what clothes I wear. (This surely isnt the fun part!) Getting a shower & dressed in the morning is just a big hassle. But it has to be done, right? So heres the fun part! I just reached into my clothes to pull out any random shirt and the one I happened to get is my one & only suicide prevention/HOPE shirt! Lol So I wore it n walked around all day feeling like a hypocrite.

Here is me recently in my “STAY” shirt! A while ago, over a year ago, I was in a depressive state and wondering if I should stay or go and was actually thinking those exact words when I looked up and saw a heart painted on a wall with the word “STAY” just like this one. I was inspired & found it heartwarming and love the heart! It inspired me so much & I carried it with me then coincidentally, a while later, I actually met the girl who put it there, in person! Amazing! I told her how much her work inspires me, especially the STAY heart and as a gift, she have me this shirt, a pin, & a print all with this heart!❀

And one last thing, on a more positive note, I totally conquered my debilitating fear being on an elevator alone! I did!! I even fulfilled my dream! Lol Usually we probably think of big things like educations and jobs and stuff when we hear/read about dreams being fulfilled. This one is simple but to me it was very important. There is one elevator that really scared me more than the rest, just looking at it. And it’s very slow. I truly believed I would never ever be able to get onto that one alone, even after recovery. Somehow I recovered enough to get onto that one alone! Without any fear!! Holy guacamole! LolπŸ€£πŸ˜‚πŸ˜™

So, to sum it all up: im depressed & suicidal and often in complete despair and have been for like nearly a month and it’s not necessarily that I dont think it can get better but just that I dont even have the motivation or strength to try to get better. It takes everything out of me. Usually, I just let them run their course and they get better on their own along with my positive attitude and personal development techniques that help them along. But Im just about sure this one isnt going anywhere on its own and on top of it, my attitude about it sucks and im doing nothing to help it. Ultimately, it’s up to me to get myself better. It doesnt feel like it can or will ever get better but some part of me Knows it can. I dont know if it’s even worth it to keep going or try anything to help me.

(Lol I see this on a wall everyday & it resonates with me in my depression.)

It’s like im so worthless it’s not worth keeping me alive. This is true. I really dont know if I am going to win this battle with this one.

I know it’s my choice though and that this is no one’s fault or responsibility but my own. I dont know if I will muster the strength to win this battle. I really may not survive this one like I always do. I don’t see a point in me surviving & keep not wanting to even if it can get better. I keep wanting everything to end, good & bad alike. This is very, very bad. This one is kicking my ass good!!

This is an awkward post, right?! But it’s real and it’s good to post the good & the bad (if we dont mind sharing!) so people can see we arent all one or the other. And my main reason for posting this is in case it can help someone else in any way. It may help to read about someone else’s experience & these sweet messages here!

(Lol! Ok. When I saw this “hang in there you pussy,” it really made me want to hang on if even just a little bit longer. I laughed myself to sleep, genuinely amused. It may be a bit inappropriate but definitely lightens my mood. A suicide prevention person shared it. Kind of appalling to call us pussies while advocating suicide prevention [like wth?] but still funny.)

Just so everyone knows, I am not in any way dangerous to anyone else at all. I only want myself to die and if I ever do choose to go, it will be a way that will not in any way hurt or interfere with anyone else. No matter how low I sink, I never want to hurt/kill anyone else, physically or psychologically(so I wont kill myself in public with anyone around or any way that involves or potentially involves others like in traffic/train/jumping). If there is even the slightest chance anyone else (human, animal, or insect) can be hurt physically or suffer psychological damage of witnessing the act or being involved in any way, I will not choose that method. I prefer to live in agony than hurt others. I have absolutely no desire to hurt/kill/traumatize anyone and also I know it’s wrong morally &/or legally. Even when I sink to the lowest depth of my despair(like lately), I still have my wit about me enough to know it is wrong to hurt others. I love everyone!! I won’t hurt you!!❀ I’m responsible. I am not homicidal and not a psycho and have no urge to go on a rampage. Never have. I want my own pain & worthlessness to end. That is all. And I am not going to “snap” & go on a killing spree. There is no such thing as “snapping.” That is a myth. I cherish/value all life, just not my own now. Most of us aren’t a threat to others but we still have people who think we are.

I wish you, anyone who may be reading this, the best and hope you are surrounded in love & light & beauty. If you’re struggling hard like I am, then as you can see, you arent alone in the struggle. I am here. (Not for long hopefully, lol jk) Much love & light, always…

P.s. June 13, 2018 – I dont mind having this disease. I like what it teaches/reminds me and how it deepens my empathy and how it strengthens me after weakening me. And I just love so very much, the feeling of it lifting. It’s like a whole new world. It is totally worth living in deep, oppressive darkness for weeks or months just for the few days of the feeling of it lifting. What a gift!! So beautiful. Depression is not my enemy. It’s my teacher, my disease, my gift, part of me and I embrace it. Of course it’s easier to say this when I’m not in the midst of it. I wasn’t always able to say this but now I can. Also, if this post is full of spelling or any other errors, I wasn’t in my right mind when I wrote most of it. Lol Maybe I’m going to survive this battle after all?

xoxo Kim ❀

Dream.❀

“I had a dream; I had an awesome dream
People in the park playing games in the dark
And what they played was a masquerade
And from behind the walls of doubt a voice was crying out
Say you, say me
Say it for always
That’s the way it should be
Say you, say me, say it together
Naturally”❀

Say You, Say Me – Lionel Richie

May 11th, 2018

I had a dream last night while I slept. We were all running through a park, late at night, in the darkness, playing, all adults. It was almost like a game of hiding seek or a game of tag. It was beautiful and comforting in some way but there was a kind of loneliness & longing throughout. We were all running after each other, trying to find and catch each other and most of us were strangers to each other. There was a sense of child-like joy and we were laughing. It was hard to see in the dark and there were so many people. There was one person I really wanted to find. More than anyone else, she’s the one. I knew she was there but couldnt find her. I ran through the darkness and the crowds of people, my sense of longing increasing with every step. Stumbling through the dark, reaching for her, finally, I found her. We came face to face and she embraced me. Not in a physical hug but in warm, welcoming, loving energy and a beautiful smile. She welcomed me completely. She accepted me and was happy to see me. My whole being was overcome in awe of her beauty. I lost her again. In all the darkness and strangers and trees and paths. Again, I ran to find her. It was like running through a maze of people and trees and darkness. Every once in a while I would catch a glimpse of her but couldnt reach and every now and again, we would come face to face. She would always welcome me. It was always beautiful and always brief. Then I would lose her again. I felt her near but just couldnt reach her. But on those occasions I did, there was so much love, so much joy, so much beauty before the darkness and crowds and trees took her away again. And somehow it was enough even though it wasnt. Those brief moments we encountered and embraced were so full of love that they are enough. Even with the pain, theres so much love. Even with longing and sadness and loneliness, there can still be joy and laughter and gratitude. I woke up this morning with a greater sense of love than longing. I woke up in awe. And this song played in my head.

I love dreams & especially ones that seem to have a deep purpose. This dream was two nights ago and soon I may post about one I had last night, another very healing one.

I hope you are having a beautiful day or night wherever in the world you are!

Xoxo Kim ❀