Laparoscopic kidney donation scars at three months 💚🫘
It’s the most amazing experience to think about how two anonymous strangers in two different parts of the country both laid on an operating table on the same morning to become forever connected, an unbreakable bond formed. This is what it is to be “intimate strangers.” I have heard of that term now & again and never thought much of it or understood until that day my kidney began making pee in someone else’s body, someone I have never laid eyes on and probably never will. It will never fail to amaze me! Instead of fading, each day, that feeling of awe becomes deeper & deeper, and so does the joy and warm fuzzies. My scars are always a reminder of that beautiful experience. Whenever I step out of a shower and look into the mirror or take my pj’s off to get dressed in the mornings or wear a belly shirt and happen to see the scar near my bellybutton (the only one that’s really very visible with clothes on), I remember and smile.
Many living kidney donors feel strongly that we should be humble and not speak of our act of kindness and always divert the attention to somewhere else when someone else brings it up so as not to seem self important or arrogant or like we’re looking for recognition. In fact this seems almost like the consensus in the living donor community that it’s not to be talked about much outside of living donor spaces. But my experience is too beautiful not to share, and I am too thankful for the honor, to be so humble as to never speak of it. It’s like when moms share their birthing stories or brag about their kids, (usually) not acting like they’re better than other moms or childless women, just thankful for their own gift and celebrating by sharing. I don’t look for praise, but I acknowledge the fact that my act of compassion & courage is worthy of the kind comments it receives when it comes up. Sharing our experience as an act of gratitude is not the same as arrogantly boasting. I will always share my experience as a celebration & for awareness of living organ donation. If that gets me a few compliments along the way, I welcome them.
Three months later and I am 100% the way I was before my body lost a vital organ. No energy changes, no pain, no anxiety or depression, no complications, no lifestyle changes or meds needed. The first two weeks after the surgery were a bit challenging, but just less than two weeks after, I was jokingly asking if they even took the kidney because everything felt almost 💯. Any pain or discomfort I experienced only confirmed that I made the best decision. It reminded me of the pain & sickness my recipient must have been living in indefinitely. It’s a humbling experience to temporarily take on someone else’s pain & sickness so they can live a life without it.
Best thing I ever did!
It’s not for everyone, and there are (rare) potential risks for very very serious life altering complications (and death during and just after the donation surgery). But I encourage anyone it resonates with to consider learning about living kidney donation and possibly becoming a living donor, as there is an extreme shortage of kidneys for transplant. There are people dying & living in sickness who don’t have to.
If you don’t know anyone in need of a new kidney, you can become an altruistic (non directed) donor and donate to “the next person on the wait list,” like I did. (It’s really a system of people in need, and they find the best match depending upon various factors, not literally a list where there is a specific person who is “next” like with the deceased donor list.) It will potentially give the person 25+ years of life & health. Even if it doesn’t work, which is rare, living donor kidneys nearly always work long-term, it will remind the person their life matters and that someone cared enough to give them a literal piece of themselves to save & enhance their life. If you donate through the National Kidney Registry as a non directed/altruistic donor, there’s a chance you’ll save multiple lives by beginning a kidney chain. This means multiple transplants will take place that would not have if not for your altruistic donation. It’s truly incredible! This happens when a potential donor is not a match for their intended recipient, so they agree to donate to an anonymous stranger so their person will get the next kidney available. My kidney recipient had someone wanting to donate to them but wasn’t a match, so that donor donated to an anonymous stranger so my recipient could get the next available kidney. The next available kidney happened to be mine! So at least two kidney transplants took place involving my one donation, my recipient’s and the person’s who got the kidney of the person who wanted to donate to my recipient but wasn’t a match. Sometimes kidney chains are super long and span across the whole country, set in motion by one altruistic donation. It’s beautiful being linked to all these strangers through the gift of life.
If you have no one in particular in mind and choose to be a non directed/altruistic donor, you can also donate a kidney voucher to another stranger if you wish, one of your choice. You can look for someone to give it to, like I did. When we donate our kidney to an anonymous stranger, the National Kidney Registry gives us a kidney voucher to give to whoever we want, so that person will get a new kidney usually shortly after our donation surgery. It brings that person into the system so they’ll be matched with aliving donorkidney when one becomes available.
I have always been a universal lover and got to live it in action the day I gave my kidney to an anonymous stranger. 🫘
On the late afternoon streets, everyone hurries along, going about their own business. Who is the person walking in front of you on the rain-drenched sidewalk? He is covered with an umbrella, and all you can see is a dark coat and the shoes striking the puddles. And yet this person is the hero of his own life story. He is the love of someone’s life. And what he can do may change the world. Imagine being him for a moment. And then continue on your own way.
Content warning ⚠️: last couple pictures are of my incisions. I requested a picture of the kidney after they removed it. 😆 But they haven’t sent it to me yet. Lol
On 1/16/2024, my lifelong dream came true.
I had the honor of becoming a living kidney donor, giving the gift of life to someone in need. 💚🫘 What a beautiful, rare, awe inspiring experience.
For almost as long as I can remember I have wanted to donate my kidney to a stranger, just anyone who could use my “spare.” When I was young, I read a heartwarming true story about a man who donated his kidney to the next person on the transplant list in the U.S. He said we are all the same inside, and he wouldn’t hesitate to do this for his own son, so it made no sense to him to hesitate doing that for anyone else. He said something along the lines of everyone he looked at is the same as his son, someone who wants to live, be happy, and healthy. I instantly recognized him as part of my soul family. I knew exactly what he meant. I KNEW then deep inside that that would be me one day giving my kidney to a stranger because everyone I look at is the same, the same as my own friend, my own family member, the same as me. There is no difference. That person is not my mom, not my brother, not my friend, not my child, not my spouse, not my niece, not my nephew, not me. But that’s someone else’s mom, daughter, husband, wife, friend, Grandma, coworker, neighbor, child and most importantly, someone. Someone who wants to live and be healthy. I have always had the gift of perfect health and endless energy. So after hearing again about altruistic kidney donation on the radio many years after that story, I decided to go for it, and after a long journey of medical & psych evaluation, interviews, paperwork, phone calls, more medical & psych testing to be sure I’m qualified…I woke up on Tuesday 1/16/2024 and chose to give life to an anonymous stranger in another state. Our surgeries were said to be flawless, and our kidneys are functioning perfectly. My doctors told me I was walking out of the hospital with one kidney just as healthy as when I walked in that early morning a couple days before with two kidneys. My only strict lifelong restriction is NSAIDS (Advil, Aspirin, Motrin…). No dietary restrictions, but I do have to be more careful than most with salt & things. And it’s especially important for me to stay hydrated now with one kidney. I need more water than most each day to keep my one lil bean happy. It’s doing the work of two! I have no doubt that my experience giving life to a struggling human is just as much a gift to me as it is to that person. 💚🫘
💚🫘“From the entire NKDO community, thank you for your selfless act of donating a kidney. Your extraordinary compassion and generosity are an inspiration to all of us.” 💚🫘Oneweek kidneyversary today and recovering so well!! 💚
Content warning ⚠️: incisions.
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They pumped my abdomen with gas to make room for the surgeon to work, so it’s bigger here
I’m so honored to have this experience! It’s the experience of a lifetime! 💚 To know a part of me is literally keeping someone else alive. My beautiful body is keeping someone else alive and working hard to heal & keeping itself alive. Most people don’t get accepted to donate a kidney because of health issues usually, even minor ones can get someone rejected. I am so lucky with my health and knew I had to share that gift with someone else. ♥️♥️♥️
I’m wishing you a beautiful day or night wherever in the world you are!
On January 16, 2024, my kidney will have its new forever home with a person in Minnesota!
I am going to share a set of kidneys with an anonymous person somewhere else in the country! 😭😍
My kidney is going to the next person on the waiting list in the U.S who I am a match for. My person was found in Minnesota! (I’m in Pennsylvania) That’s all the information they will give me. In altruistic donations like this, which are always anonymous, it’s possible even with very little information that the donor/recipient can potentially identify each other if they try, so they give us as little information as possible about each other to avoid that. Sometimes the transplant teams reveal the gender & age. I did not get that info yet. I may or may not later.
How amazing is this!!! What a rare & beautiful experience, to get to give someone else the gift of life through organ donation and while being alive. 💚💚💚🫘 🫘 🫘 It was a long journey of extensive medical & psychiatric evaluation to be sure I’m physically & emotionally fit to donate a kidney and so much paperwork. But here we are!In altruistic donations in the U.S it’s possible for the anonymity to eventually be broken, but the recipient has to be the one to initiate it. If the donor agrees, they can communicate. In some cases the recipient reaches out through the transplant center to thank & update the donor on how the transplant is working for them. In other cases, the recipient never does. Either way is good with me! I’m just looking to potentially help someone! 💚
My surgery will take place at 6:00am on 1/16/2024 at Penn Transplant Institute here in Philadelphia. Lefty will be shipped on an airplane to its new person. I get to keep Righty. I’ll be in the hospital for at least two days, no more than four days as long as there are no complications. They said most likely two days. I will be accepting visitors! All are welcome, even strangers! You can let me know in advance or just show up as a surprise (bringing gifts! It can be anything, I’m easy to please 😆 jk, just your presence is enough)! The more, the merrier lol
I couldn’t help it and ordered a sterling silver necklace with our transplant date as a mini celebration as soon as I was told my match was found and our date!! It wasn’t a wise decision because it’s not uncommon for transplant dates to change if donor or recipient wakes up with a sore throat that day or catches a virus just before or something changes with one of the surgeon’s schedules…But I couldn’t resist! So let’s hope so much it doesn’t change! The necklace was not expensive, but it would be a waste of material and time for the seller/creator on Etsy. But I’m hopeful and staying positive it will remain that date!!
Anyone want to guess the gender of my kidney sib? Girl? 🩷 Boy? 🩵 Other? 💜 I’ll see if we can get a gender reveal going lol
(If any words are censored, like “wh!te,” it’s because I may share this on FB where we can get our accounts suspended for it lol The word wh!te has gotten people suspended, something to do with racial issues, and FB doesn’t detect context, also I censor common trigger words for people with tr@uma history, don’t think there’s any here though)
This morning, I saw a woman (or fem presenting person) standing alone on a street corner who was so beautiful, she took my breath away and almost gave me butterflies. I was struck. I was out walking and casually looked over then saw her. I stopped for a second just to look. It was a kind of breathtaking beauty that is physical but also runs deeper. Like an inner beauty was making her physical beauty even more beautiful. It was like her inner beauty just existing there made her extra lovely. It was nothing she did, nothing she said. Just existence.
It was love at first sight. Truly.
I love everyone in a universal sense, but this wasn’t that.
Instantly I felt a kind of fluttering in my chest. It did almost feel like large butterfly wings hitting against my ribcage over & over for a minute after I first saw her. It’s so rare for me to experience that, but I have before when I see/encounter a woman I have some sort of inclination for. It was in the chest, not the stomach. I don’t think it was my heart. It made me laugh in giddiness. It was thrilling. I was thinking if we got to know each other and became close, I could tell even in ten+ years I would still get this feeling upon looking at her. I can still feel some of it lingering as I write. It was the most briefest encounter but with long lasting effect.
I’m an aromantic woman and don’t get butterflies exactly but have some sort of emotional & physical reaction (not physical arousal lol) sometimes to other women, it’s not romantic or sexual but has some of the “ingredients” or nuances of romantic. It’s not less intense or less pleasant, just doesn’t involve everything that sexual/romantic attraction does but involves “more” or is a bit different than typical platonic. It’s often referred to in the aromantic/asexual community as alterous attraction/love or queerplatonic attraction/love. It can be more invested or intimate (non sexual for me) than usual platonic. Sometimes I experience a head to toe full body tingling (again, not arousal lol) or tingling in the fingertips upon seeing a woman, only masc women for that though. A fluttering in the chest. Sometimes a racing heart, not because of anxiety but because of thrill. I don’t get that rollercoaster feeling in the ab that the romantics speak of or a feeling that’s drawing me to them like a magnet or a feeling like I have to be all over them constantly or I’ll explode lol I also have no desire to ask them out or be asked out on a date and no desire to “build a life/future” with them. But would love to be each other’s “person,” if that makes sense. It does to us aces & aros lol It’s an intense emotional attraction that can turn to love, a kind of love that is more prominent than typical platonic, not more valid or better, just more invested. It can inspire us to want someone as a non romantic life partner. It makes me want to be each other’s most important person (though I can settle for me being second lol not someone’s second choice if they couldn’t have someone else but second love if they have a slightly more important relationship to them, I can’t be someone’s lover, but I can be a very invested/intimate friend/non romantic partner, possible “cuddle buddy” or friend with sensual benefits if I have that sensual & emotional inclination together, I usually just have the emotional aspect).
She looked to be around fifty years old, maybe slightly younger. An attractively thin wh!te woman, at least as tall as I am, possibly slightly taller. Dark brown, wavy shoulder length hair. Well put together. She looked youthful and like she could still be considered a young woman than “older woman” even though her age seemed to be what society considers “older.” She had a large shoulder bag over her shoulder and was holding a phone and looking around completely oblivious to anything around her. She looked somewhat distracted, possibly a bit anxious, almost in a vulnerable state. If I had to guess, I would say something wasn’t going as planned and she wasn’t sure what to do. Probably why she was holding her phone and looking around the way she was with wide eyes. Looked like she was waiting for someone who wasn’t showing up. Who could stand up such a beautiful woman is beyond me. Couldn’t be me. lol
She was wearing classy but casual, comfortable, but dressy looking clothing. A tan dressy jacket over a white shirt and tan capri pants. I don’t remember her shoes. I was more focused on her stunningly beautiful angelic face. She had a gentle smile at some points.She seemed like a professional/career woman. Not sure why, but I got those vibes. Something about the way she moved/stood and her dress style. It was like a kind of professionalism carried over into personal life. But of course I could be wrong.
She reminded me of another woman I used to know, this other woman was extremely beautiful inside & out, and looking at this woman was almost like looking at her. She looked very similar and had a gentle kind-hearted face. The feels that came over me just seeing her. Just thinking back, I can feel that fluttering and giddiness, like walking on air or like I just won the billion dollar lotto, just by catching a glance of her. Lol If I did not know this other woman I knew, I would still have some sort of reaction to this one, but it was much more intense because of how she reminded me of the other one. It was like a small part of my brain mistaking her for her, but I still knew she isn’t her. I don’t know this woman’s personality like I knew the other woman’s. So the memory of that personality in combination with seeing her physical appearance looking so similar to the other woman’s was driving this very intense experience. I imagined being near her would be like being near her. The second “her” being the other woman. It was a super intense yearning.
She was surrounded by so many strangers walking around and attending events at the nearby park. But all I saw was her. It was like the world came to a sudden standstill and froze on her. I’m too shy to approach a stranger, and even if I did, what would I even say? Will you be my friend forever, my queerplatonic love, you’re so pretty, let’s get together for a friend date? 😆 Actually that should be normalized but would have probably creeped her out lol What I experienced for her was platonic based but stronger or different than typical platonic. Just seeing her inspired me to want to get to know her with the intention of becoming bff’s, possibly platonic life partners to an extent. Nothing physical except friendly platonic hugs. If she was a masc woman, kisses & full on cuddles. She’s probably heterosexual and so probably couldn’t develop a very invested certain level of intimate emotional attraction to another woman like a lesbian oriented aromantic woman could, but I would still love to be close regular platonic friends/bff’s lol
She was a fem girl, so I did not experience sensual attraction (non sexual cuddling, skin to skin contact..), I mostly only have that for masc women. Less often, I can experience a hint of it or a very limited sensual attraction to fem women. Also, sometimes I can experience sensual inclination for women that is more rooted in affection than actual attraction, though not common for me. For this woman, there was none of that. But I did experience a kind of instant emotional attraction, mostly inspired by the fact that she reminded me of someone else I knew and had that emotional connection to, and just her face was so kind and so so pretty. I could have stood & stared all day. But I walked away.
There’s no doubt in my mind the woman I saw today is kind and sweet and compassionate and soft and gentle. I know that’s judging just by one glance and people would say just me projecting or creating her in my image. And that’s technically true. But I believe it’s true that if I got to talking to her, my judgement would be correct. My judgementabout the other woman I met years ago, who I often thought of as my soulmate, was correct. Some would say that’s just a coincidence. But I say it’s a knowing.
As a strictly asexual woman, I don’t experience sexual attraction (no desire for sexual contact, seeing them in the nude and stuff, no physical arousal/libido triggered by looking at anyone, no sexual thoughts or fantasies about anyone, nothing like that even crosses my mind, and I don’t mind that, I’m naturally just not interested) or even know what that feels like, but I experience powerful aesthetic attraction in its place, to women/women aligned/fem presenting people. Aesthetic attraction is something experienced by many asexual people and usually not experienced by non asexual people, though it can be. It’s more than just thinking someone is good looking. It stirs something in me and is a deeply moving experience. It intoxicates me. It’s like being drunk on beauty. It’s one of my favorite things in life. I used to sneak playboy magazines in my dad’s office as a teenager and hide in the work closet with them when I visited his work,just to see the beautiful women and feel drunk. Lol It can even lift layers of a depressive episode sometimes if I’m in one and see a beautiful woman. It’s possible for it to be an orientation on its own. Homoaesthetic, heteroaesthetic, biaesthetic… I’m homoaesthetic, but all my attractions are to other women. So I just identify mostly as a lesbian oriented asexual woman. Sometimes lesbian oriented aroace, but that’s less easy for people to understand. They don’t understand emotional attraction without the romantic aspect.
Aesthetic attraction plays a part in my non regular platonic emotional attraction to a woman (I don’t exactly experience romantic attraction but some aspects of it). Just like sexual attraction, my aesthetic attraction can make me want to get to know someone, though I can also experience it and not care to get to know them, usually that’s the case. I experience aesthetic attraction to many many women/fem presenting people everyday, all day. But on rare occasions there’s something more to it than just wanting to stare, something deeper and even more inspiring. Something that brings me such joy & happiness and reminds me something is missing, something I have longed for all life long. It’s a beautiful longing, mixed with pain & hope, thrill.
I’m sharing this just because I’m inspired and also to share some of what it’s like to be an asexual aromantic woman with “lesbian leanings” as it’s known in the aro/ace community. We’re not all oriented, but many of us are. We experience what are known as tertiary attractions, attractions that are not romantic/sexual but strong and prominent enough to feel they warrant a lable next to our asexual/aromantic one (lesbian/bi/gay/pan/hetero… oriented aro/ace) and inspire us to want some sort of relationship with someone that isn’t romantic/sexual but more prominent or closer than typical platonic usually is. Tertiary attractions include aesthetic, emotional, alterous, sensual, intellectual…most people experience all their attractions together. But those of us on the A spectrums experience some and not others.
What I experienced for this woman and others is rare, or maybe slightly more common than rare but not common,but recurring throughout life since I was a little girl. My longing for emotional closeness to a deep extent and craving for physical/sensual touch isn’t rare, but my actual attractions to specific women are. I wish I experienced it more frequently. It’s pleasant when it happens lol But I can relive it in my memories. It’s not rare that I love and want to be friends with certain people. I love people of any genders and can want to be close friends. It’s rare when it happens a certain way like here. I’m glad for the experience when it does occur!
I hope you’re having a beautiful day or night wherever in the world you are!
The Harvest, fiction supernatural thriller by Sara Clancy – I got it for free on Amazon Kindle
Oh Billie it’s fresh in my memory The night that it had to be done You with your pick axe and scissors And you with your shovel and gu n
And I liked your late husband Donald But such torture his memory brings All sliced up and sealed tight in baggies Guess love makes you do funny things
Oh Billie oh Millie, criminally insane
Content warning ⚠️: mental health/brief mention of a*use – any censored words is in case I share on FB where we can get suspended
I have a history of voluntary & involuntary psychiatric hospitalizations (for depression – haven’t been hospitalized in 15+ years). The hospital I was in, (I don’t remember the name, but they sent me outside of Philadelphia, I had no say in the matter), had a section for the “criminally insane” (I don’t know if that’s true for all psychiatric hospitals or whatever those hospitals are called these days, also don’t know exactly what constitutes “criminally insane.” {nor do I care, I see lots of boring debate over it in legal & medical contexts, I just have firsthand experience being hospitalized with them, but I don’t know all that legal/psych stuff, all I know is they were extremely dangerous to others, and we were not, though some of us were h0micidal too but in a less “insane” kind of way, not me, I was only ever s*icidal, but one of my roommates was h0micidal against everyone when she would have fits of uncontrollable rage, she was the sweetest thing, small pretty blonde girl who I wished was my friend outside the hospital, we planned to meet up when we got out of there, but it never happened, unfortunately. She was my bff in there, we were inseparable. The staff used to say our friendship was so sweet & cute. We just clicked and even unexpectedly had matching pj’s, which made us & the staff laugh! She had pretty pastel pink ones with penguins, and I had the same but pastel blue. We did everything together in there. If we got assigned to a different activity, we would ask special permission to switch so we could stay together, they let us. The staff said it was good for us that we developed a bond like that and said we were attached at the hip. Everyone called us the prettiest girls in there and said we looked exactly alike, except she had blonde hair and was a bit taller and thinner than me and a few years younger, her hair was long, but mine was longer, nearly long enough to sit on. It touched the floor when I sat on it or when I laid in bed and tossed it over the side. They called us twins and sometimes even got us confused. Sometimes people would stop and do a double take when they saw us standing together because of how much we looked alike. Other patients constantly asked if we were sisters. I actually did not see the resemblance. I thought she was prettier than me but not in a self deprecating way. I thought I was pretty too. But she was striking in a way that isn’t normal. She looked like a model out of a Victoria’s Secret magazine. She also dressed like me. I was told to change when I walked out of our room in a belly shirt and low cut pants. So she had to call her mom and ask for more appropriate clothes because she had the same.
She wasn’t declared criminally insane but was prone to depression & random v!0lent outbursts where she wanted to k!ll anyone who was around her, including herself. In her normal state, she was quiet, calm, soft spoken, like me, and she had compassion for others. When she came out of her episodes, she was horrified at the things she said and her outbursts & threats against others. She experienced an unwanted pregnancy and had an abortion, and her boyfriend accused her of cheating because he said men everywhere come onto her, like that was her fault, and the stress of it all triggered a depressive episode for her. She said with her mental illness she wasn’t fit to be a mom or even carry a baby to term, so she terminated it. I was in there for a depressive episode that came on out of the blue, not triggered by any current life circumstances. She got released before me. We weren’t allowed to touch, it was against the rules. But we hugged goodbye anyway and were so sad to leave each other. After living together, even just very briefly, and sharing our deepest pain and laughing hysterically together all night, planning our escape, it felt like she was my family, like a long lost sister. We only knew each other very briefly, but I already loved her in a deep sisterly way. Sometimes we forgot where we were when we were laughing so hard together. We would paint pretty pictures together and hang them around our hospital room. I was grieving hard because before her, I had another sweet roommate who I loved and clicked with, sweet Holly, a girl suffering of paranoid schizophrenia, who got transferred to a different ward. They took her away and sent me Missy (her name wasn’t Missy, exactly, but it was a nickname I affectionately gave her, which she adored), a depressed girl, who I came to love just as much. I still remember her like it was yesterday. I don’t know that I would recognize her though if I ever saw her again all these years later. I’m still glad our paths crossed. Our very fleeting friendship still warms me, and the memories bring me joy. I hope to have a girl friendship like that again someday under better circumstances, of course lol and more long-term}).
The criminally insane were in a different part, but we would have food with them in the cafeteria each day, three times a day. I remember one of my hospital friends asking a staff member who they were. We could tell they were different than us. They had a different air about them that was abnormal even for a psych hospital. Most would probably see them as more intimidating. They never scared me, but I could tell they weren’t to be messed with, and you probably wouldn’t want to turn your back on them unsupervised. Most of them were men/male presenting people. But there were women/fem presenting people among them also. They had shackles and more strict supervision. They weren’t allowed to roam the halls or the courtyards or socialize like us. We mostly only crossed paths with them in the cafeteria.
The psych. tech responded “The criminally insane” when my friend asked who they were across the cafeteria.
They would all eat their food on the other side of the cafeteria. Unlike the average or “regular” mentally ill person (or whatever we’re called these days lol I’m sure there’s a more “politically correct”/less offensive term for us), they were very dangerous. They would have v!olent outbursts against each other and staff. They couldn’t really do as much with their hands/legs, so they would try to charge at people and knock people with their heads. Lol They would jump up yelling and flip chairs and try flipping tables. The staff people would come up in back of them trying to restrain them, and they would headbutt them with the back of their heads. There was never a dull moment in the cafeteria.
It’s true, like the excerpt above says, it would be all quiet & calm then all of a sudden, all hell breaks loose for seemingly no reason. And they would set each other off. One would flip out then others would be triggered. They would try to att@ck whoever was there. Sometimes they were so v!olent and uncontrollable, they would have to be taken away to a different facility. Multiple staff members would be dragging them away as they kicked and screamed hysterically until they got the needle (this happened to us too though, we would get the needle or the quiet room for flipping out, the quiet room terrified me, I avoided it at all costs {solitary confinement, a wh!te padded room with no handle on the door n no windows, I have lifelong claustrophobia, which was very active back then}, I would take the needle any day).
It’s not like in the movies where they all have this camaraderie and plan their escape and all together and it’s them against the world. They try to k!ll each other just like they would anyone else. Those b-grade horror movies (which I love) portray the criminally insane as all buddy buddy with each other. They definitely aren’t. They probably don’t even have that capacity. If they did, they wouldn’t be how they are. (I’m guessing not all “criminally insane” people are the same, some aren’t this v!olent, I’m sure, and not all are v!olent against random people, but these people were, some may even be able to live normal lives if they get help, movies generally make mentally ill/criminally insane people out to be more dramatic than we really are because it makes for a more interesting movie. But there are definitely outbursts n stuff in psych hospitals and people who are overall dangerous– I wish there was a better way I knew how to write this, it comes off with a very strong sense of otheringthe criminally insaneon my part, but not intentionally, it’s kind of cringey of me)
The “regular” mentally ill people had outbursts too each day, but not the same as them, ours was more like breakdowns and usually not against anyone. Theirs was against others and furious/more physical. The ordinary patients could definitely be v!olent against others too, usually the staff because the staff has authority, but usually not, and not like the criminally insane.
It’s easy to judge criminally insane people, but I feel sorry for them because I know ultimately they wouldn’t have chosen this life, this way of being, if they had a choice before coming into existence. As v!olent and terrible as they are or seem, even if it gives them a twisted satisfaction to hurt others, if they were asked before they were born if they wanted to live that kind of life or a life as a good person surrounded in love and being loving to others, most, if not all, would choose the life of love, not v!olence. Multiple factors, often beyond their control, all added up (a very large contributing factor usually being a*use or being unloved as a child) to make them this way.With that perspective, I can’t help but have compassion. They don’t want it any more than I do. It’s just I got lucky to have better circumstances, better upbringing, better genes…I lack all the contributing factors that they have the misfortune of falling victim to. It’s easy to sit here in my privilege and judge. But I rise above and expand my perspective and lean into my compassion.
Plastic forks and spoons No laces in my shoes They all know what I tried to do Outside the Quiet Room This quiet place It ain’t so new to me Its haunted atmosphere Has heard so many scream My home from home My twilight zone My strangest dream My confidant I have confessed my life The Quiet Room Knows more about me than my wife
Thank you for any comments & likes I have received on other posts! I will get back to them! I am in the process of donating a kidney to a stranger! I received the news recently that I am pretty much qualified after six months of medical & psychiatric testing! I’m in above average physical health, but the social worker, who is a member of the transplant team/selection committee, is concerned about my mental health history. Anesthesia/major surgery can trigger a depressive episode even in a person without a depression history. So I’m at an elevated risk. I have to have another psych evaluation before I can be accepted to donate my kidney. If all goes well, I get to save a stranger’s life! 💚The transplant could be as soon as September this year!!
I hope you are having beautiful day or night wherever in the world you are!
Be the reason someone still believes in good people. ❤️
This is me in the park recently! Great news!! Penn kidney transplant team said they are confident I am going to be accepted as a living kidney donor! They said recently during my hours long psych evaluation that my medical/family/individual/health…history is ideal for being a living donor. I am very unlikely to have any surgical related complications or complications relating to only having one kidney. They are not concerned at all about my jugular vein situation (still going to be getting a scan on it though just to be sure, I shared here before that my jugular vein seems to be obstructed/malfunctioning). They are slightly less confident than they would be because of a kidney stone I had in 2007. They said that may put me at elevated risk for currently having a kidney stone that I don’t know about that they could see on the CT scan next week. They said that’s likely not the case but to prepare myself for the possibility of rejection if so. A kidney stone in someone who only has one kidney can result in instant kidney failure. So if I have an asymptomatic stone in there somewhere, I’m out! Let’s hope not because I want to help someone so much!! Hearing this did give me slight anxiety about possibly being rejected, but at least even if it were true, it wouldn’t be a health threat to me. So there’s that. If anything, I thought the vein would be what gets me rejected. Lol That thing has been giving me health anxiety even though I kind of like it 😁😆
My 24 hour urine jug that came in the mail as a surprise to me 😆 It’s to see if I have a kidney stone even though they’re also going to do a CT scan This is the man I’m trying to donate my kidney to! His name is Don, and he is 74 years old and in urgent need of a kidney. He doesn’t have much longer to live. He doesn’t know I exist yet. If I’m healthy enough, the transplant team will call him and tell him he has a kidney donor and that 20+ years will be added to his life and the quality of life, greatly enhanced.
Here is my social media post:
This man needs a kidney transplant and is having great difficulty finding a donor. He doesn’t have much longer and can’t wait for a deceased donor.
Around 200 strangers volunteered to give him one of their own kidneys. They were all rejected by the transplant teams. It’s extremely difficult to be accepted as a living donor. Nearly everyone has something that can disqualify them.
It’s so heartwarming though to think that 200 strangers volunteered. 200 people volunteered to have their organ removed while still alive to save a stranger’s life. And imagine how many more would if they knew about him.
This is not as rare as people may think! And it’s becoming even more common. There are so many caring people out there who would go to any length even for someone they never met and may never meet. Because everyone is someone.
If you think you may be qualified or even not(the transplant team will decide), please try to help! I think they can send the kidney on an airplane if you aren’t close in location. He lives in Pennsylvania, where I am. I am currently being evaluated, and things are looking good. But just in case, it would help if more people would try. 💚🫘
I hope so much he gets his perfect kidney soon whether mine or someone else’s.
Here is another social media post of mine that is kind of funny lol :
I was in the park this morning sitting in the grass trying to have one of those zoom-like meetings where we can see people live through the screen. Random dogs kept insisting on coming up to me, and one was 💩ing in back of me 😆 (maybe they sense I’m a pet nanny or maybe just thought I was down for a visit with them because I was in the grass 😍)
Now, I think it’s funny, but when it was all happening I was a tad annoyed that people were all coming around me walking dogs and stuff when I was talking to people through a screen trying to impress them and show them I’m qualified (I was also being asked awkward questions for strangers standing next to me to overhear, like “Have you accepted money for s*x, have you had s*x with someone with an sti, have you had s*x with someone who has used a needle not prescribed to them by their doctor, have you had s*x with someone who has had s*x with someone who…, have you tested positive for Syphilis or Chlamydia…? 😆 Not that these should be taboo topics or anything or that anyone should feel awkward/embarrassed about that stuff itself, just awkward in this context where random strangers and their dogs were basically in a therapy session with me. I couldn’t be home and had nowhere else to go so had to have a three hour psych evaluation in a busy park) . Lol 😆
(I censor words that can get our accounts suspended on social media or can be trigger words for some people with trauma history)
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I am so happy and overwhelmed with joy throughout this whole process. I have faith that it will all work out, but even if in the end the transplant team decides it’s best for me not to donate for whatever reason, I will still be so thankful and honored that I made it to this point and will continue to bring awareness to living kidney donation.
The road is long With many a winding turn That leads us to who knows where Who knows where But I’m strong Strong enough to carry him He ain’t heavy, he’s my brother
So on we go His welfare is my concern No burden is he to bear We’ll get there For I know He would not encumber me He ain’t heavy, he’s my brother
This is my favorite version of this song. It is so beautiful. ❤️ Let’s help each other whenever we can and carry each other through. This video here has some v!olent scenes in it, but I’m sure there’s other videos with this song that don’t have scenes like that. The song is about helping others and seeing everyone as our own family.
This is my schedule for medical testing this Friday! I blocked out the numbers in case they don’t want us to share, don’t know what they’re for. ❤️
Living kidney donation is usually a six month long process beginning with the application to volunteer to give one of our kidneys to someone else and ending with the surgery if we are accepted. The six months is full of interviews, paperwork, medical and psychiatric testing. It can seem overwhelming at some points but is well worth it to save a life and enhance the quality. If all goes well my surgery should be in September or October at latest. I haven’t been accepted to donate yet, but things at the moment are looking up!
I’m confident that it will all work out in our favor! 💚🫘
“Trees swayin’ in the summer breeze Showin’ off their silver leaves As we walked by … Soft kisses on a summer’s day Laughing all our cares away Just you and I … Sweet sleepy warmth of summer nights Gazing at the distant lights In the starry sky … They say that all good things must end someday Autumn leaves must fall But don’t you know That it hurts me so To say goodbye to you … Wish you didn’t have to go No, no, no, no, And when the rain Beats against my window pane I’ll think of summer days again And dream of you” 💔♥️💔♥️
This is the cutest thing. 😍
Tomorrow morning we say our last goodbye to our sweet boy. 💔♥️ He is sixteen years old and has been declining for a while now. We were sitting in the park together that we have walked for many years night and morning, through all the changing seasons. I was holding him against me with my head resting on his, never wanting to let him go. I looked down and saw his little legs resting here on my coffee cup and found it adorable. 🥰♥️ I’m so glad I got the opportunity to have this picture. My whole body is so heavy with grief, and every inch of it is throbbing in physical pain, head to toe, I never felt grief so physically like this. I can hardly stand and am like a zombie and disoriented for much of the days. I don’t even know or care what’s going on around me. Gutted is the word that keeps coming to mind. But I felt the love and joy sitting here together in the gentle Spring breeze in our favorite park. ♥️🐾 And I know he felt it too.
I love you my baby, furever and for always, xoxo 😘
So happy things are falling into place, and I’m finally trying again!! I’m thrilled!! Just to have this opportunity to at least try.
Shortly before the initial virus outbreak, I began the process of anonymous kidney donation to whoever is next on the waiting list here in Philadelphia or surrounding areas. I never received a follow up phone call or anything then the virus broke out, and everything changed. My financial/work circumstances in the last few years were no longer ideal for having kidney donation surgery if I’m found to be healthy enough. Now three years later, I’m trying again!! Back then I contacted a kidney transplant center directly. Now I’m going through the National Kidney Registry hoping to have better communication than with the last place. And I already do! I now have a mentor who is a living kidney donor herself who will be helping me throughout the process up to the surgery! She has already been SO helpful! I was in the middle of trying to figure out what lab tests I need done soon and was confused and out of nowhere, she texted me introducing herself as my living kidney donor mentor. I never even knew I have one! 😆 And I asked what tests I need done now, and she responded instantly! I just had an interview with her, and it went so well! My basic application for health history was accepted so I can move onto the next step!
I want to share my gift of health with someone in need. I’m going to be getting the initial medical test soon to be sure I’m basically healthy enough (heart, kidneys, thyroid, glucose, no infections…), then a more thorough battery of medical and psychiatric exams if my basic lab results come back perfect.
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If my lab tests are all clear, I’ll be choosing a hospital here in Philadelphia to have extensive medical testing on my whole body in and out and psychiatric testing to make sure I’m emotionally stable enough to handle the gruelling process of extensive medical testing, the possibility of finding out I could have serious health issues myself, and the potential of serious complications during and just after surgery, including death, and where I’ll be having kidney donation surgery if all goes well!! yay!!! They also want to make sure people wanting to donate a kidney are for the right reason (simply to help someone) and not feeling forced or anything associated with mental illness (because only a cray cray person can want our body cut open and a piece of it removed to help a total stranger, right?? 🤣).
The whole process beginning now will probably take around six months. So hopefully all goes well, and one of my kidneys will have a new home in six months giving someone else the gift of health and life that I am so lucky to have. It will not only prolong their life expectancy (possibly moving it to average or near average) but will significantly enhance the quality of their life, making it normal/near normal, enough energy, ability to work and travel, get off dialysis or prevent it, which is hell for people on it but if not, they die soon, they’ll get to do just about everything a healthy person can do with something as small and simple as my kidney!! Since I’m alive, my kidney would be expected to last in their body up to twenty years. If the person is already an older person, the kidney can carry them to their full lifespan. This is what I’m especially hoping for but really don’t mind how old the person is, it’s just good to think my kidney can last the rest of someone’s life instead of eventually having to be thrown in a biohazard can somewhere and being replaced by a new one. But that’s ok, it will help someone for however long it does! Even a few years is good! And even if it doesn’t work at all for some reason, at least I tried! That’s all that matters!
Kidney disease is so common, there are countless people out there on the wait list waiting for someone to die or care and donate while alive. Helping one of them is a true gift and feels like my “calling.”
Three (actually more like five I have been actively planning it and many more that I eventually knew I would try it) years later and still on my mind. So yeah, I think it’s something I must go through with! ❤️
The gift of health is better when shared with another! ♥️
I’m already very physically active and fit and full of energy myself, I have a mostly healthy diet especially recently when I cut out almost all sugar and sweets (even my beloved iced caramel lattes with extra liquid sugar and extra caramel syrup, that’s not easy! 😆), have fruits and veggies everyday, no alcohol, smoking or other drugs, not on medication for anything physical or psychiatric, no serious life problems, live at home with family who will help me after the surgery…I do have a couple things that aren’t the best like no health insurance myself. The health insurance of my potential recipient will pay for all my medical/psychiatric exams and my surgery because that’s all considered their treatment. But their insurance won’t pay for anything I need myself like if any complications arise during/after my own surgery. I also had emergency kidney surgery many years ago, but the kidney and me made a full recovery. This probably doesn’t look the best to the kidney donation team. But we’ll see!
This has been my dream for many years since I was young and read a true heartwarming story about a man who donated his kidney to a random stranger shortly after altruistic (or non directed) kidney donation became legal. It felt like home to me, my first feeling was “Oh, of course,” and I just knew it would be me one day giving my kidney to a stranger.
“I feel like I been rode hard and hung up wet Swallowed by a mule and crapped off a cliff I drank enough whiskey to fill up a lake Woke up this morning with a big @$$ headache Y’all I ain’t kidding this son of a b!tch hurts Where the hell are my pants Must be with my shirt I still got my boots on but make no mistake They can’t help me kick this big @$$ headache” 🤣
I feel every bit of this lol
I’m SO thankful my headache is better today, almost completely, and my appetite for life is back. Being physically ill takes more life out of me than when I’m depressed. No matter how bad my depression gets, even when it’s a full-blown major depressive episode where I can hardly get out of bed, I can usually still feel a very faint, faded, washed out spark of desire, even when it’s almost non existent, it’s still here.
I rarely to never get physically sick, but for the last few months, I seem to get a recurring respiratory virus of some sort, then yesterday I woke up with the worst migraine-like headache. It made me not want anything at all, but I wanted to want stuff. I saw green nail polish I wanted and just couldn’t (I got it today and painted my nails!). I wanted to want coffee and food. My body was so hungry, but I had no emotional desire and couldn’t eat.
I don’t actually have migraine headaches but something that feels like them because I have tmj dysfunction, a disorder in my jaw joint, I had since I was little. It’s chronic, and there’s no known cure or safe treatments that I know of but some very effective stretches and self massages. I’m very used to it; it’s not an issue, just a minor inconvenience. It doesn’t affect my health and is not progressive. It can have severe flare-ups, but I’m used to it, and they aren’t that frequent.
One of the symptoms is headaches of different kinds, including these migraine -like ones. I don’t usually get them. But when I do, they are terrible and almost debilitating. This was one of the worst ones. I am very high functioning no matter what and can push my way through anything. And that’s what I had to do yesterday as we are understaffed, and I can’t just take off work. But all day, I had to stop and rest my head against things. The headaches are gross, a sickly kind of ache. They make just the thought of food or water repulsive. I was dehydrated and extremely hungry all day but couldn’t eat or drink except a few drops of water I forced myself to drink. The hunger and thirst were adding to the extreme discomfort. As soon as I got home, I had to get right into bed. I couldn’t even drink Tylenol tea and couldn’t stand to get a shower (I did today though lol). One of the worst parts is how I wanted food but at the same second did not want it or wanted to want it but just couldn’t, something like that. Anyway, my lack of desire wasn’t natural but being blocked or repressed by something.
The headache was triggered because I laid on my pillow overnight. For years now, I can’t lay on a pillow or I wake up with a debilitating headache. I like to hold the pillow in my arms as I sleep better anyway so don’t mind. The pillow does something to my neck, and it affects my head. I know not to fall asleep on my pillow. But sometimes I wake up on it anyway. I don’t realize in my sleep that I’m putting it under my head. If I wake up on it in the middle of the night, I remove it, and it’s usually good in the morning. But last night when I woke up on it, I was so sleepy, I just said what they hey, and kept it there, falling back asleep. lol BIG mistake!! I woke up SICK. It wasn’t as bad til I got into a car, and the movement pulled on my neck a certain way, which worsened it. I don’t have neck or head pain in general. Just my neck was messed up because of the pillow then the car movement jerked it and ouch! Headache intensified.
They usually only last a day. Usually the next day I wake up with them gone. Today I woke up still with the headache, but it got better and better as the day went on. Thankfully!!! So this is me expressing my gratitude lol
I hope you are having a beautiful day or night wherever in the world you are! ❤️
In Sarah Ban Breathnach’s “Simple Abundance – A Daybook of Comfort and Joy,” she writes:
“January, the month of new beginnings and cherished memories, beckons. Come, let winter weave her wondrous spell: cold, crisp, woolen-muffler days, long dark evenings of savory suppers, lively conversations, or solitary joys. Outside the temperature drops as the snow falls softly. All of nature is at peace. We should be, too. Draw hearthside. This is the month to dream, to look forward to the year ahead and the journey within.”
She also writes, “…time is the New Year’s bountiful blessing: three hundred sixty-five bright mornings and starlit evenings; fifty-two promising weeks; twelve transformative months full of beautiful possibilities; and four splendid seasons. a simply abundant year to be savored.”
This is something I used to share here every year on New Year’s Eve/Day. I have always found it very inspiring. ❤️I don’t think it applies to everyone though because it’s not cold in January in some places, and some places don’t get the diversity of four seasons. I love that we do where I am. And I love cold!! Even though I’m allergic to it. 🥶 ❄️ 🌨️
I hope you are having a beautiful day or night wherever in the world you are, and Happy New Year, if that applies to you. We don’t need a new year for new beginnings, but to me there is something inspiring about a new year, like a blank slate, and the feeling in the air just feels new because of the cultural aspect, like everyone around knows it’s a new year, and it’s a popular sentiment to take that opportunity for growth and beginnings. ♥️
A Dose of Inspiration 