The wound is the place where the Light enters you. 💛
Look how perfect & beautiful my incision/scar is!! It looks so good. The covering stuff holding it closed just came off, so I can finally see it in all its raw perfection & magnificent glory.
It’s amazing how just six weeks ago I was laying on an operating table out cold & cut completely open to give life to someone else and already my body is so healed. The scar is delicate and perfect. So powerful in all its subtlety & elegance.
My beautiful life affirming scar.
Isn’t it amazing that a whole life was saved & enhanced because of this small, thin, & delicate line on my abdomen? Awe inspiring. Something so small and seemingly insignificant, just a thin line that no one else may ever see and will eventually fade to almost nothing and be nearly invisible, yet it’s a symbol of one of the most significant things there is to do: giving life. It takes my breath away.
I remember waking up in the operating room groggy and amazed. There was no pain. (Other than a migraine-like headache) I instantly remembered what I did. It was hours later, but it felt like mere seconds ago that I was there on that table going under while the doctors & nurses laughed & joked and played what I vaguely remember being “Oh, Pretty Woman,” by Roy Orbison, for me as I was drifting off.
I couldn’t believe I just had surgery. It felt too good to be true. My body felt strong, healthy, & alive, even with all the grogginess, exhaustion, and headache, and one less organ. I couldn’t believe it finally happened after all these years of dreaming. It felt so easy. All I had to do was lay on a table and go to sleep for a couple hours so someone else can live. For me, it was that simple.
It was an extremely easy decision to make. It was my calling. There was never any hesitation, uncertainty, or question about it. I heard the call and answered.
It doesn’t matter that I may never get a thank you or see the impact of my act of compassion. The potential is what matters, potential to save and enhance a life. And there is joy & value in the act of giving, itself, without getting any results or gratitude for the act. Just the act alone is enough. And it doesn’t matter that the person is an anonymous stranger I may never lay eyes on. We are all the same at our core.
You are Me I am You We are One
I remember waking up with three doctors and one nurse standing at the end of my hospital bed in the OR before being wheeled to my room, all cheerfully saying “Good morning, Kimberly, you’re awake now, Kimberly, good morning, Kimberly, you’re awake, Kimberly….” over and over and over until I fully came to. They were all wearing masks & hair caps. But I could see their smiling eyes. And I knew. I knew it was a success. That pleasant experience of them gently guiding me out of insentience is one of my favorite memories of the whole journey. It made all the difference, waking up to that human compassion & positivity gave me a very different experience than if I would have woken up alone in a dark room in a cold, clinical setting of uncertainty. I will forever cherish it.
So many healthcare workers were in & out of the operating room praising me for giving the gift of life & health.
The surgeon said our kidney is beautiful. While I was still asleep, it was already on its way to do its job and save a life. It began working instantly in its new person’s body.
And now I am here, with this permanent beautiful, perfect reminder on my body of that beautiful, perfect day.
1/16/2024
💚🫘💚🫘
#endthewaitlist
Happy National Kidney Month!!! 💚💋🍀
#endthewaitlist
I hope you’re having a beautiful day or night wherever in the world you are! 💚
On January 16, 2024, my kidney will have its new forever home with a person in Minnesota!
I am going to share a set of kidneys with an anonymous person somewhere else in the country! 😭😍
My kidney is going to the next person on the waiting list in the U.S who I am a match for. My person was found in Minnesota! (I’m in Pennsylvania) That’s all the information they will give me. In altruistic donations like this, which are always anonymous, it’s possible even with very little information that the donor/recipient can potentially identify each other if they try, so they give us as little information as possible about each other to avoid that. Sometimes the transplant teams reveal the gender & age. I did not get that info yet. I may or may not later.
How amazing is this!!! What a rare & beautiful experience, to get to give someone else the gift of life through organ donation and while being alive. 💚💚💚🫘 🫘 🫘 It was a long journey of extensive medical & psychiatric evaluation to be sure I’m physically & emotionally fit to donate a kidney and so much paperwork. But here we are!In altruistic donations in the U.S it’s possible for the anonymity to eventually be broken, but the recipient has to be the one to initiate it. If the donor agrees, they can communicate. In some cases the recipient reaches out through the transplant center to thank & update the donor on how the transplant is working for them. In other cases, the recipient never does. Either way is good with me! I’m just looking to potentially help someone! 💚
My surgery will take place at 6:00am on 1/16/2024 at Penn Transplant Institute here in Philadelphia. Lefty will be shipped on an airplane to its new person. I get to keep Righty. I’ll be in the hospital for at least two days, no more than four days as long as there are no complications. They said most likely two days. I will be accepting visitors! All are welcome, even strangers! You can let me know in advance or just show up as a surprise (bringing gifts! It can be anything, I’m easy to please 😆 jk, just your presence is enough)! The more, the merrier lol
I couldn’t help it and ordered a sterling silver necklace with our transplant date as a mini celebration as soon as I was told my match was found and our date!! It wasn’t a wise decision because it’s not uncommon for transplant dates to change if donor or recipient wakes up with a sore throat that day or catches a virus just before or something changes with one of the surgeon’s schedules…But I couldn’t resist! So let’s hope so much it doesn’t change! The necklace was not expensive, but it would be a waste of material and time for the seller/creator on Etsy. But I’m hopeful and staying positive it will remain that date!!
Anyone want to guess the gender of my kidney sib? Girl? 🩷 Boy? 🩵 Other? 💜 I’ll see if we can get a gender reveal going lol
Content warning ⚠️: nothing graphic but mention of mental health issues, s*icidal inclination, r*pe(I have never experienced r*pe, myself, just briefly sharing that it happened to someone I used to know)
I did a thing! My heart was pounding so hard, my hands were shaking. I hesitated and thought I would back out. I even got dizzy. It wasn’t anxiety. It was fullblown FEAR. There was a sickly terror running through me. My body was in full fight or flight mode as if I was in literal life threatening danger. My gut was telling me not to, that it could only end badly. It wasn’t my intuition talking but my fear. There was a loud voice in the back of my head yelling at me not to. But something deep inside told me I had to. I had to know. My healing has made room for curiosity & concern, where there was no room before. The space in me was taken up by seemingly insurmountable pain & humiliation & fear & selfish love & coveting, despair. No room for curiosity or concern or selfless love. Until now.
Around a year ago, I shared a deep, raw, honest, heartfelt post about when I was rejected by a woman I was secretly (never told anyone about her or this experience til last December when I posted it here) head over heels in love with for so many years and how that experience has deeply affected me in both pleasant & not so pleasant ways to this day. She was 45 years old, I was 27 years old when I confessed my love for her. I met her when she was 40 years old, and I was 21 years old.
I loved her since that very first moment I laid eyes on her, when I saw her across the crowded room, and the world suddenly stopped spinning.
I know that it might sound More than a little crazy but I believe I knew I loved you before I met you I think I dreamed you into life I knew I loved you before I met you I have been waiting all my life
This is what it felt like upon finding her. It felt like finding my other half, like we were the two halves of the same whole.
She was my everything, the love of my life, and I thought she would be by my side forever. I sent her messages telling her that, and she unfriended and ghosted me without a reason given or any response. I was utterly ruined. I agonized for years over why she did not want me even as an acquaintance or casual online friend, yet she had so many others she loved, even strangers. She’s a universal lover like me. Everyone is welcome in her world. But not me, the one I felt loved her most. This shattered meto my core. I would have instantly laid down my own life for her if necessary.
After she rejected me, I stalked her social media accounts for years in absolute despair.All of her stuff has always been public. She did not block me, just unfriended and stopped communicating with me. Before this, we were hardly even acquaintances but did occasionally communicate through her Facebook posts. She never initiated contact with me, but she did respond to my comments to her. After she cut me off completely, I read her blog, watched her YouTube videos, still looked at her Facebook and Instagram accounts, til eventually it got to be too much, and I stopped looking for years but still loved her. Then, with lots of conscious work, I became indifferent to her. I stopped the online stalking and moved on. It was the only way for me to emotionally survive.
The rejection destroyed me, and I thought I would never recover. It took me YEARS (even after no longer looking at her social media for years) to get over her and the rejection. The rejection physically sickened me, I had headaches for weeks after the initial rejection, I fell into a very deep major depressive episode for months. Through the years, every now & again, another depressive episode would be triggered, especially if I looked at her social media accounts/blog/YouTube while in a low mood.
Especially when I saw her with other people, especially when I saw her with him. Words can never express the deep pain that ripped through my entire being to see that other people got to have access to her, be loved by her, had the gift of her time and presence but not me. And not understanding why because we have all the same views, interests, values… we’re so, so alike. She’s very social and was always around people, hanging out with people. She cherished and prioritized platonic friendship, like me. She would take pictures of her friends and write about how much she loved them. She would share pictures of them laughing together at restaurants and cafes. While I was happy that she had people to love and be loved by, so much of me was beyond jealous and just shattered that I couldn’t be one of them. It just k!lled me. Through the years, I would look at her Instagram account after she unfriended me on Facebook (I did not have an Instagram account back then), and see her with other people and fall into a deep, s*icidal depressive episode, sometimes for months. I would ask myself why. Why I wasn’t good enough for her but they are. This triggered me to feel not good enough for anyone. Before her, I had amazing self esteem, maybe a little bit too much self esteem. I admit it. In my last December post (2022) about her, I share that now I’m glad she humbled me because I thought I was all that and a bag of Skittles. Lol I was arrogant. I’m glad I’m not anymore.
Every now & again, I still experience a hint of that feeling that I’m not good enough for anyone and have nothing to offer, as a result of her rejection. I internalized it as not being good enough. A feeling that no matter what I have to give someone, someone else can give better or more so why would anyone want me. It still lingers today. It’s not a constant feeling, an insecurity that comes & goes. Sometimes I’m hesitant to reach out to people for this reason. Before her, I never had this feeling, before her I thought I was the sh!t who could love someone better than she has ever been loved before, that I had everything to give, that my love was unique and rare and shocking because of how deep and whole it is. Like I mention in my other post, she knocked me down a few pegs, and I never quite got back up. But that’s ok, it’s part of living. It’s nearly impossible to get through life without any scars. Also, she did nothing wrong by rejecting me. However I interpreted or responded to it is my issue, not hers.
I had to work for years to become indifferent to her because the memories were so painful. She brought me immense joy to think of but also so much pain.
For so many years, I could not let myself be curious about her. I couldn’t think about her in an attached way to be concerned. It was destroying my mental health. My love for her became dormant. Memories of her no longer brought me joy or pain. Eventually I pretty much stopped thinking of her at all. Last year I decided to share a post about her inspired by a post I saw for Pride Month asking us to share about our first heartbreak if we aren’t heterosexual.It took me six months to complete. It was exhausting to write, but I loved writing it. I loved revisiting that joyful and agonizing experience. Writing that true story helped heal me so much and made me realize I had so much pain and pent up emotion in me about the whole situation. I realized I never stopped loving her. Now after ten+ years, I am able to release it all and set it free and go back to loving her but with a selfless detachment.
I love her deeply. I always have. I never stopped loving her and never will.
I recently decided to look her up online, something I told myself I would never ever do.
The reason I looked her up now is I am now strong enough and healed enough to think of her and be affected by the memories without crumbling. Everything I suppressed & repressed has been released and let go. It made room for other things.
I realized I have been very very concerned about her safety. I wasn’t even sure if she’s still alive. I did not want to think that or mention it, but it’s true. I began entertaining the idea of looking her up online to be sure she’s at least alive and hopefully ok.
She has been dangerously s*icidal off & on for many years. She even has a history of attempts and hospitalizations. She struggled immensely with mental health, self esteem, body image, relationships, addiction to prescription pills,she lost her job when I last knew her years ago (they did not have enough money to pay all their employees and let a few go, including her). She was a very successful career woman with an advanced college degree. She was at one point a college instructor. But she always felt like a failure in life. She was very open about this.I always felt like she was out of my league. This wasn’t in a negative, self deprecating, insecureway, just a matter of fact kind of way. She was successful, educated, driven. I was just an undergraduate college girl with average grades and then after college, a food server/cashier at a food serving place where I worked for many years while living at home with parents. She was warm, compassionate, understanding, humble, never in any way arrogant or judgemental of other people’s jobs, living/financial situations. She never saw anyone as inferior. This is not why she rejected me. She even dated men who were less educated and less successful than her. (She’s bisexual but mostly into men and mostly only dated men)
She was r*ped many years before I met her, and it devastated her life & mental health. She struggled with aging. Each birthday, especially milestone ones (like 40 years old) put her at risk for a s*icidal depressive episode that could result in hospitalization. She could not stand getting older.
Since I am now able to think about her, my concern for her got the best of me. I was terrified of what I would see if I looked her up. My body turned to jelly the same way as if it was a close friend or family member I was concerned may have died by s*icide. I was surprised about that. While I care equally about almost everyone, it’s different when it’s someone we know, personally or are close to. It hits harder usually or a different way or has more emotion involved. I haven’t communicated with or seen anything by her on social media or in person in over seven years. At some points I rarely even thought about her. So it was surprising to experience the impact she still has on me all these years later.
She’s popular enough that she is the first person who showed up in the search engine when I put her first and part of her last name in. She’s an editor, writer, public speaker, journalist…
My finger hoveredover her name in the searchbox (there was a very small thumbnail picture of her next to her name, I could see she was smiling in it, which was comforting). My heart pounding. I wasn’t sure I could or would go through with it. I asked myself if I really want to do this. I had no idea what I would find or what emotion would overcome me. But I had to know, if I did not look her up again, thoughts that she may not be alive today, that maybe she died by her own hand, would be eating at me and were getting stronger & stronger. I had to know. I had to click her name.
So I did. I clicked her name to see endless search results. (She’s very well known within the writing/editing/blogging community in Philadelphia, so there’s decades worth of stuff about her).
I desperately hoped she’s alive.
Not only is she alive.
She is doing SO well these days!!! She is happy and healthy and thriving in what seems like every aspect of life. She has her life on track, has close lifelong and new friends (some of the same ones she had back then! I did not see him though 😆 anyone who read my other post {linked below} will know who I’m talking about 🤣😂 I dedicated Ceelo Green’s song, “F*ck You” to him for stealing my woman 😭). She has a job she loves. She’s in the same line of work. She’s so successful. She is continuously evolving professionally & personally. She has fulfilling projects and goals she’s working on. She’s well loved in her workplace, community, circle of family & friends. I skimmed back through posts for a while, a few years worth, and she has been doing well for a while now. Again, my body is overcome in so much emotion that feels it can bring me to the ground but now in a good way. It’s so heartwarming to see how much progress she has made with her mental health and self esteem and how successful she still is, how she has been able to maintain her career even with severe mental health issues and debilitating recurring headaches.
She is still so loving and compassionate, still the same girl I knew and loved so many years ago. She has that same smile, and that same heart of pure gold. She posts the exact same photography of hers as years ago, pictures of the rain and Fall leaves. She still loves all the same stuff, humans, animals, books, writing, intellectual conversations. She has all the same views as before. She still lives in and loves Philadelphia, like me! We’re still the same!!
She has her same Instagram account with all the old photos I remember! I saw some of the ones that triggered me back then. Now they just stirred a slight wistful, nostalgic feeling, nothing intense.
And omg!! She is as beautiful as ever. I was so curious about what she looks like today. She’s 55 years old and doesn’t look a day older than she did when I last saw her pictures 7+ years ago. Omg, she’s STUNNING!! She looks exactly the same. Like she doesn’t age! Only thing that changed physically is she is rocking some gorgeous grey hair that suits her perfectly. She still has the same wavy brown, shoulder length hair I remember but now significantly grey (and just as beautiful!) She has the biggest smile. I am so moved and overwhelmed and inspired by her beauty exactly as I was then, but unlike all those years ago, it doesn’t make me want her. It just makes me smile. I could stare at her all day long, day after day, and never get tired of it.
She does still have depressive episodes here & there, but not almost chronic like before and has better self esteem and a great support system of friends and family and colleagues. I’m beaming as I write this. This is as great as I have ever seen her! I couldn’t be happier if it was myself!
Words cannot express the joy I am overwhelmed in, seeing her doing so well. Her smile is so big. Her eyes have a spark in them. She looks so healthy.
And seeing her current pictures, reading her recent blog posts, seeing her in pictures with close friends, even ones she knew back when I knew her, does not hurt me in any way! No old emotions came flooding back. Or almost none. There was a brief sense of nostalgia surging through me looking at some of her recent pictures, seeing her face, the one I knew so well all those years ago. There was also a hint of longing, but I realized it was just reliving memories of old emotions, not a current longing. Nothing came back to haunt me or drown me.
I was afraid it could. But my fear that she may not be alive or may be suffering regularly of the depression was worse than the fear that I may crumble at the fact that I cannot have her.
There is one thing, her talking about her lifelong depression and me completely understanding so intimately in a way that most couldn’t possibly because most never have depression lifelong like we do. Many people experience depression, but usually an episode or as a response to a current difficult situation. We have recurring lifelong depression that has sometimes been almost chronic and sometimes like not having depression at all. I experience a deep close connection to her through this. I just know. This briefly provoked me to wish we could be friends even now. Our experience with depression is so much a part of us that it can’t be separated. I wouldn’t be the me that I am without it. It finds its way into many casual conversations even with strangers. We have depressed days and not depressed days because of how frequent it can be. On any given morning we can wake up depressed out of nowhere or feel it creeping on slowly for no reason or triggered by something. This is something most people wouldn’t truly understand.This is a reason I have always felt a deep connection to Joan Rivers who also lived a life of s*icidal depression.
I will admit there’s one recent post of her and a group of her girls where she wrote something like “best friends for 30+ years, some people are meant to be in your life forever” where I felt a brief surge of that feeling all over again that I experienced years ago, that insecure feeling like why does she love them and not me, what made her reject me, I would have been so happy just to be an acquaintance of hers. Why them but not me? What do they have that I don’t? What made her choose to have them as friends and maintain those relationships for decades but not choose me? Why were they meant to be in her life forever but not me?I confess, I felt rejected all over again. It felt like she slapped me in the face with that post. An automatic, uncontrollable thought or feeling ran through me. What am I lacking that makes me not good enough? If I was in a fragile state of mind, as I sometimes am when my depression is flaring, if I was still so attached to her, this could have pushed me over some edge. But I wasn’t in a fragile state, and I’m not attached to her any longer.
I realized it was just some egoistic thing, me being self important, and was able to let it go almost as quickly as it came, and look at the much more important thing, the only thing that matters, she is happy, healthy, loved, has people to love. It does not matter why she rejected & ghosted me. It doesn’t matter why she doesn’t love me but loves so many others. It’s not about me.
This is the best gift to me, I can’t even put it into words how so happy I am for her. It’s similar to that feeling I express in my other post about her, that joyful feeling years ago where it’s like walking on air, skipping along the streets, frolicking about, wanting to sing & dance. But now it’s not because I’m hoping she’ll ever be mine, it’s a completely detached kind of joy that is only for her, about her living her best life.
If there’s one thing I could say to her it’s I love you, I love you, I love you my sweet, but in a detached way, a way that is only selfless, no expectations, no coveting. I want nothing but the best for you, nothing but happiness and love. And I no longer yearn to be the source of that happiness & love.
She still posts regularly just like years ago. I’m not going to make a habit of looking at her social media account and blog. We’re just not going to be a part of each other’s lives even though it’s what I so desperately wanted for so many years. Our lives briefly crossed, touched, and that forever changed and marked me. And that is enough.
This once is enough for me. It’s all I needed. Now I can truly put it to rest. I found my closure. (I will continue to write dark love poetry inspired by her though just because I love dark love poetry, and real experiences make for the best poetry lol)
I am also thankful that this experience shows me how healed and mentally ok I am, myself. There was a day it just k!lled me, triggered depression, even s*icidal thoughts in me, triggered insecurity in me, feelings like I’m not good enough for her or anyone, to see pictures of her and posts by her knowing she rejected me and not knowing why. There was a day her beauty was so tantalizing to me I couldn’t live without it. I couldn’t live with the pain of knowing someone so beautiful exists and will never be mine. Now her beauty is still just as mindblowing, but I can just bask in it and move along.
I was also mortified, humiliated about the sappy, clingy messages I sent her and then being rejected. I’m still embarrassed today. I was concerned that seeing her again, even if just online, would trigger me to be humiliated all over again to where it was interfering with life. I spilled my heart & soul, my guts to her all those years ago and so deeply regretted it because I would have been happy enough just being social media friends, but she unfriended me because of my messages, and also regretted it because of the embarrassment that plagued me. I wondered if she showed anyone my messages to her and if they judged me. I was afraid that would come back. But that did not happen!
I am so glad I looked her up. 😁
And oh yes, I mentioned in that last December post that I can’t believe I forgot the color of her eyes. I zoomed in on one of her recent pictures 😆 They’re dark, they look brown. It’s a bit hard to tell. I was afraid I would slip when I was zooming in and like one of her pictures. That’s all I need, I would seriously just die. I can imagine her thinking “Oh, her again.” Or “is she going to come back every decade?” 🤣😂
I was also afraid I would see a screencapture of my messages I wrote years ago. Like if she shared any parts of them to comment (she wouldn’t post my name or ridicule me, she’s not like that, but she may just to critique or share her thoughts on them, I’m still embarrassed and slightly more than I have been the last ten years now that I been thinking of her more lol).
Would I love to have her as my friend? Yes!! But I am completely ok loving her at a distance and accepting she was never going to be mine. I can’t say I’m 100% over it or healed, it may be one of those things that leaves a light scar forever, but a scar that is completely ok and just part of who we are.
I will probably always wonder, though the question doesn’t plague me like it did back then, why she rejected me to the point of ghosting/unfriending instead of ignoring my messages but staying social media friends. I understand not wanting to respond, maybe she felt awkward telling me she’s not interested in me. I understand if she did not want a close relationship with me. Not everyone is emotionally attracted to everyone in a way that makes them want that level of closeness with someone. Not everyone wants to be personal, active friends with everyone even in a way that isn’t close. There are people I like but am not interested in being friends with them but wouldn’t mind having them as online friends and definitely people I like but not in a way I want to be super close, emotionally. But to this day I do wonder why she did not even like me seeing as how so very similar we always were. And she had no problem with me in the first place. She never showed much interest in me, but she kept me around. Until the love confession. I never explicitly asked her to be anything to me. I came to the conclusion years ago that I must have come on too strongly, we were barely even acquaintances, she never even showed the slightest interest in me, never initiated communication with me, and I’m gushing all over the place about how much I love & have always loved her, how great we could be together, and sharing my entire life story in paragraphs & paragraphs. Lol Maybe it was too much, maybe she was creeped out. Who knows? And it’s mostly to the point where I can even say who cares. But I probably always will wonder why, maybe even wonder with a pang.
Just another random pic of me lol I like to add a few photos to my posts ♥️ This sweater is SO comfy & warm & soft, I love it!! The leggings are too, they have fake fur inside them.
I don’t currently have close friends. And that brings me so much pain & loneliness off & on. I am happy I have a group I occasionally meet up with and have fun with hanging out. But I haven’t made any deep connections yet since my college friends and me drifted apart (their choice, not mine) some years ago. It’s important to have deep friendship (for the average person, some don’t need it), especially with depression. I know the pain of that lack, so I’m so glad that she has that.
I am just so happy!! I am so happy that she is so great and surrounded by so much love and is fulfilled in life. I couldn’t ask for a better gift to me today.
Not only am I happy for her, it gives me hope for others in a dark place. What an inspiration! To see how she was able to turn her whole life around.
And omg, she’s so lovely!! ♥️♥️♥️ I’m so happy I got to see what she looks like now. So intoxicating. Gave me a big energy boost. Dopamine, adrenaline, serotonin or whatever lol
She looks similar to Tina Fey (people have always told her this, and I do see the resemblance). She has the sexy librarian, smart girl look. She still wears the same glasses that I have always thought she looked so adorable in!
Tina Fey ♥️Tina Fey
Just for some eye candy and an idea of what she looks like, here’s Tina Fey lol
Here is my post this current post is referring to. It’s super long!!
(If any words are censored, like “wh!te,” it’s because I may share this on FB where we can get our accounts suspended for it lol The word wh!te has gotten people suspended, something to do with racial issues, and FB doesn’t detect context, also I censor common trigger words for people with tr@uma history, don’t think there’s any here though)
This morning, I saw a woman (or fem presenting person) standing alone on a street corner who was so beautiful, she took my breath away and almost gave me butterflies. I was struck. I was out walking and casually looked over then saw her. I stopped for a second just to look. It was a kind of breathtaking beauty that is physical but also runs deeper. Like an inner beauty was making her physical beauty even more beautiful. It was like her inner beauty just existing there made her extra lovely. It was nothing she did, nothing she said. Just existence.
It was love at first sight. Truly.
I love everyone in a universal sense, but this wasn’t that.
Instantly I felt a kind of fluttering in my chest. It did almost feel like large butterfly wings hitting against my ribcage over & over for a minute after I first saw her. It’s so rare for me to experience that, but I have before when I see/encounter a woman I have some sort of inclination for. It was in the chest, not the stomach. I don’t think it was my heart. It made me laugh in giddiness. It was thrilling. I was thinking if we got to know each other and became close, I could tell even in ten+ years I would still get this feeling upon looking at her. I can still feel some of it lingering as I write. It was the most briefest encounter but with long lasting effect.
I’m an aromantic woman and don’t get butterflies exactly but have some sort of emotional & physical reaction (not physical arousal lol) sometimes to other women, it’s not romantic or sexual but has some of the “ingredients” or nuances of romantic. It’s not less intense or less pleasant, just doesn’t involve everything that sexual/romantic attraction does but involves “more” or is a bit different than typical platonic. It’s often referred to in the aromantic/asexual community as alterous attraction/love or queerplatonic attraction/love. It can be more invested or intimate (non sexual for me) than usual platonic. Sometimes I experience a head to toe full body tingling (again, not arousal lol) or tingling in the fingertips upon seeing a woman, only masc women for that though. A fluttering in the chest. Sometimes a racing heart, not because of anxiety but because of thrill. I don’t get that rollercoaster feeling in the ab that the romantics speak of or a feeling that’s drawing me to them like a magnet or a feeling like I have to be all over them constantly or I’ll explode lol I also have no desire to ask them out or be asked out on a date and no desire to “build a life/future” with them. But would love to be each other’s “person,” if that makes sense. It does to us aces & aros lol It’s an intense emotional attraction that can turn to love, a kind of love that is more prominent than typical platonic, not more valid or better, just more invested. It can inspire us to want someone as a non romantic life partner. It makes me want to be each other’s most important person (though I can settle for me being second lol not someone’s second choice if they couldn’t have someone else but second love if they have a slightly more important relationship to them, I can’t be someone’s lover, but I can be a very invested/intimate friend/non romantic partner, possible “cuddle buddy” or friend with sensual benefits if I have that sensual & emotional inclination together, I usually just have the emotional aspect).
She looked to be around fifty years old, maybe slightly younger. An attractively thin wh!te woman, at least as tall as I am, possibly slightly taller. Dark brown, wavy shoulder length hair. Well put together. She looked youthful and like she could still be considered a young woman than “older woman” even though her age seemed to be what society considers “older.” She had a large shoulder bag over her shoulder and was holding a phone and looking around completely oblivious to anything around her. She looked somewhat distracted, possibly a bit anxious, almost in a vulnerable state. If I had to guess, I would say something wasn’t going as planned and she wasn’t sure what to do. Probably why she was holding her phone and looking around the way she was with wide eyes. Looked like she was waiting for someone who wasn’t showing up. Who could stand up such a beautiful woman is beyond me. Couldn’t be me. lol
She was wearing classy but casual, comfortable, but dressy looking clothing. A tan dressy jacket over a white shirt and tan capri pants. I don’t remember her shoes. I was more focused on her stunningly beautiful angelic face. She had a gentle smile at some points.She seemed like a professional/career woman. Not sure why, but I got those vibes. Something about the way she moved/stood and her dress style. It was like a kind of professionalism carried over into personal life. But of course I could be wrong.
She reminded me of another woman I used to know, this other woman was extremely beautiful inside & out, and looking at this woman was almost like looking at her. She looked very similar and had a gentle kind-hearted face. The feels that came over me just seeing her. Just thinking back, I can feel that fluttering and giddiness, like walking on air or like I just won the billion dollar lotto, just by catching a glance of her. Lol If I did not know this other woman I knew, I would still have some sort of reaction to this one, but it was much more intense because of how she reminded me of the other one. It was like a small part of my brain mistaking her for her, but I still knew she isn’t her. I don’t know this woman’s personality like I knew the other woman’s. So the memory of that personality in combination with seeing her physical appearance looking so similar to the other woman’s was driving this very intense experience. I imagined being near her would be like being near her. The second “her” being the other woman. It was a super intense yearning.
She was surrounded by so many strangers walking around and attending events at the nearby park. But all I saw was her. It was like the world came to a sudden standstill and froze on her. I’m too shy to approach a stranger, and even if I did, what would I even say? Will you be my friend forever, my queerplatonic love, you’re so pretty, let’s get together for a friend date? 😆 Actually that should be normalized but would have probably creeped her out lol What I experienced for her was platonic based but stronger or different than typical platonic. Just seeing her inspired me to want to get to know her with the intention of becoming bff’s, possibly platonic life partners to an extent. Nothing physical except friendly platonic hugs. If she was a masc woman, kisses & full on cuddles. She’s probably heterosexual and so probably couldn’t develop a very invested certain level of intimate emotional attraction to another woman like a lesbian oriented aromantic woman could, but I would still love to be close regular platonic friends/bff’s lol
She was a fem girl, so I did not experience sensual attraction (non sexual cuddling, skin to skin contact..), I mostly only have that for masc women. Less often, I can experience a hint of it or a very limited sensual attraction to fem women. Also, sometimes I can experience sensual inclination for women that is more rooted in affection than actual attraction, though not common for me. For this woman, there was none of that. But I did experience a kind of instant emotional attraction, mostly inspired by the fact that she reminded me of someone else I knew and had that emotional connection to, and just her face was so kind and so so pretty. I could have stood & stared all day. But I walked away.
There’s no doubt in my mind the woman I saw today is kind and sweet and compassionate and soft and gentle. I know that’s judging just by one glance and people would say just me projecting or creating her in my image. And that’s technically true. But I believe it’s true that if I got to talking to her, my judgement would be correct. My judgementabout the other woman I met years ago, who I often thought of as my soulmate, was correct. Some would say that’s just a coincidence. But I say it’s a knowing.
As a strictly asexual woman, I don’t experience sexual attraction (no desire for sexual contact, seeing them in the nude and stuff, no physical arousal/libido triggered by looking at anyone, no sexual thoughts or fantasies about anyone, nothing like that even crosses my mind, and I don’t mind that, I’m naturally just not interested) or even know what that feels like, but I experience powerful aesthetic attraction in its place, to women/women aligned/fem presenting people. Aesthetic attraction is something experienced by many asexual people and usually not experienced by non asexual people, though it can be. It’s more than just thinking someone is good looking. It stirs something in me and is a deeply moving experience. It intoxicates me. It’s like being drunk on beauty. It’s one of my favorite things in life. I used to sneak playboy magazines in my dad’s office as a teenager and hide in the work closet with them when I visited his work,just to see the beautiful women and feel drunk. Lol It can even lift layers of a depressive episode sometimes if I’m in one and see a beautiful woman. It’s possible for it to be an orientation on its own. Homoaesthetic, heteroaesthetic, biaesthetic… I’m homoaesthetic, but all my attractions are to other women. So I just identify mostly as a lesbian oriented asexual woman. Sometimes lesbian oriented aroace, but that’s less easy for people to understand. They don’t understand emotional attraction without the romantic aspect.
Aesthetic attraction plays a part in my non regular platonic emotional attraction to a woman (I don’t exactly experience romantic attraction but some aspects of it). Just like sexual attraction, my aesthetic attraction can make me want to get to know someone, though I can also experience it and not care to get to know them, usually that’s the case. I experience aesthetic attraction to many many women/fem presenting people everyday, all day. But on rare occasions there’s something more to it than just wanting to stare, something deeper and even more inspiring. Something that brings me such joy & happiness and reminds me something is missing, something I have longed for all life long. It’s a beautiful longing, mixed with pain & hope, thrill.
I’m sharing this just because I’m inspired and also to share some of what it’s like to be an asexual aromantic woman with “lesbian leanings” as it’s known in the aro/ace community. We’re not all oriented, but many of us are. We experience what are known as tertiary attractions, attractions that are not romantic/sexual but strong and prominent enough to feel they warrant a lable next to our asexual/aromantic one (lesbian/bi/gay/pan/hetero… oriented aro/ace) and inspire us to want some sort of relationship with someone that isn’t romantic/sexual but more prominent or closer than typical platonic usually is. Tertiary attractions include aesthetic, emotional, alterous, sensual, intellectual…most people experience all their attractions together. But those of us on the A spectrums experience some and not others.
What I experienced for this woman and others is rare, or maybe slightly more common than rare but not common,but recurring throughout life since I was a little girl. My longing for emotional closeness to a deep extent and craving for physical/sensual touch isn’t rare, but my actual attractions to specific women are. I wish I experienced it more frequently. It’s pleasant when it happens lol But I can relive it in my memories. It’s not rare that I love and want to be friends with certain people. I love people of any genders and can want to be close friends. It’s rare when it happens a certain way like here. I’m glad for the experience when it does occur!
I hope you’re having a beautiful day or night wherever in the world you are!
Be the reason someone still believes in good people. ❤️
This is me in the park recently! Great news!! Penn kidney transplant team said they are confident I am going to be accepted as a living kidney donor! They said recently during my hours long psych evaluation that my medical/family/individual/health…history is ideal for being a living donor. I am very unlikely to have any surgical related complications or complications relating to only having one kidney. They are not concerned at all about my jugular vein situation (still going to be getting a scan on it though just to be sure, I shared here before that my jugular vein seems to be obstructed/malfunctioning). They are slightly less confident than they would be because of a kidney stone I had in 2007. They said that may put me at elevated risk for currently having a kidney stone that I don’t know about that they could see on the CT scan next week. They said that’s likely not the case but to prepare myself for the possibility of rejection if so. A kidney stone in someone who only has one kidney can result in instant kidney failure. So if I have an asymptomatic stone in there somewhere, I’m out! Let’s hope not because I want to help someone so much!! Hearing this did give me slight anxiety about possibly being rejected, but at least even if it were true, it wouldn’t be a health threat to me. So there’s that. If anything, I thought the vein would be what gets me rejected. Lol That thing has been giving me health anxiety even though I kind of like it 😁😆
My 24 hour urine jug that came in the mail as a surprise to me 😆 It’s to see if I have a kidney stone even though they’re also going to do a CT scan This is the man I’m trying to donate my kidney to! His name is Don, and he is 74 years old and in urgent need of a kidney. He doesn’t have much longer to live. He doesn’t know I exist yet. If I’m healthy enough, the transplant team will call him and tell him he has a kidney donor and that 20+ years will be added to his life and the quality of life, greatly enhanced.
Here is my social media post:
This man needs a kidney transplant and is having great difficulty finding a donor. He doesn’t have much longer and can’t wait for a deceased donor.
Around 200 strangers volunteered to give him one of their own kidneys. They were all rejected by the transplant teams. It’s extremely difficult to be accepted as a living donor. Nearly everyone has something that can disqualify them.
It’s so heartwarming though to think that 200 strangers volunteered. 200 people volunteered to have their organ removed while still alive to save a stranger’s life. And imagine how many more would if they knew about him.
This is not as rare as people may think! And it’s becoming even more common. There are so many caring people out there who would go to any length even for someone they never met and may never meet. Because everyone is someone.
If you think you may be qualified or even not(the transplant team will decide), please try to help! I think they can send the kidney on an airplane if you aren’t close in location. He lives in Pennsylvania, where I am. I am currently being evaluated, and things are looking good. But just in case, it would help if more people would try. 💚🫘
I hope so much he gets his perfect kidney soon whether mine or someone else’s.
Here is another social media post of mine that is kind of funny lol :
I was in the park this morning sitting in the grass trying to have one of those zoom-like meetings where we can see people live through the screen. Random dogs kept insisting on coming up to me, and one was 💩ing in back of me 😆 (maybe they sense I’m a pet nanny or maybe just thought I was down for a visit with them because I was in the grass 😍)
Now, I think it’s funny, but when it was all happening I was a tad annoyed that people were all coming around me walking dogs and stuff when I was talking to people through a screen trying to impress them and show them I’m qualified (I was also being asked awkward questions for strangers standing next to me to overhear, like “Have you accepted money for s*x, have you had s*x with someone with an sti, have you had s*x with someone who has used a needle not prescribed to them by their doctor, have you had s*x with someone who has had s*x with someone who…, have you tested positive for Syphilis or Chlamydia…? 😆 Not that these should be taboo topics or anything or that anyone should feel awkward/embarrassed about that stuff itself, just awkward in this context where random strangers and their dogs were basically in a therapy session with me. I couldn’t be home and had nowhere else to go so had to have a three hour psych evaluation in a busy park) . Lol 😆
(I censor words that can get our accounts suspended on social media or can be trigger words for some people with trauma history)
💚🫘
I am so happy and overwhelmed with joy throughout this whole process. I have faith that it will all work out, but even if in the end the transplant team decides it’s best for me not to donate for whatever reason, I will still be so thankful and honored that I made it to this point and will continue to bring awareness to living kidney donation.
The road is long With many a winding turn That leads us to who knows where Who knows where But I’m strong Strong enough to carry him He ain’t heavy, he’s my brother
So on we go His welfare is my concern No burden is he to bear We’ll get there For I know He would not encumber me He ain’t heavy, he’s my brother
This is my favorite version of this song. It is so beautiful. ❤️ Let’s help each other whenever we can and carry each other through. This video here has some v!olent scenes in it, but I’m sure there’s other videos with this song that don’t have scenes like that. The song is about helping others and seeing everyone as our own family.
This is my schedule for medical testing this Friday! I blocked out the numbers in case they don’t want us to share, don’t know what they’re for. ❤️
Living kidney donation is usually a six month long process beginning with the application to volunteer to give one of our kidneys to someone else and ending with the surgery if we are accepted. The six months is full of interviews, paperwork, medical and psychiatric testing. It can seem overwhelming at some points but is well worth it to save a life and enhance the quality. If all goes well my surgery should be in September or October at latest. I haven’t been accepted to donate yet, but things at the moment are looking up!
I’m confident that it will all work out in our favor! 💚🫘
For if we give our very best, I know that we will more than pass the test…
(This post was meant for Monday, and I got super busy with work and never posted)
Omg, omg, omg!!! (dramatic, right? 🤣)
I just received the BEST news ever today!!! I’m over the moon!! I can’t help but share!!! I’m celebrating every victory along the way, everything that goes right, everything that gives me any glimmer of hope. And any obstacle or hiccup along the way, I will meet with positivity and hope.
I submitted my application, did some interviews and exams, and I was just accepted into the University of Pennsylvania…………..😆 . . . . Kidney Transplant Center program here in Philadelphia to begin further testing to become a living kidney donor to a random stranger!! Ahhh!! 🫘💚 (Lol I never had the grades to be a college student at PENN University 😆 I don’t have the brains, but I do have the kidneys 🤣) It’s something I always wanted to do and am now finally getting around to it. So so many people are in need of a kidney, there is a severe shortage. Everyday SO many people are sick and dying of kidney failure where if just one healthy person steps up and gives, one less person would die/be sick. Imagine if you could literally pull a person out of hospice or stop them right before they have to go into it and give them their life back. Imagine if a person literally on their death bed was told, “nevermind, you have 20+ more years!” A healthy person can do that for someone with end stage kidney failure. There are people dying prematurely who don’t have to be. Living kidney donation can be an intimidating, expensive (we may need health insurance if we don’t already have it, take off work for testing and surgery) long process though so I see why more people don’t. We all help someone in our own ways and show compassion & kindness in a way that resonates with us that may not with others, and this so much resonates with me. If I am lucky enough to be healthy not only enough for myself but enough to share that health with another, I’m all in!
After some preliminary medical testing, they determined I’m healthy enough to begin more extensive medical and psychiatric testing at PENN kidney transplant center. A few days ago they weren’t sure if I would be allowed into the program because in 2007 I had emergency surgery to remove a stone that was obstructing my kidney. Usually when someone has kidney surgery they are not allowed to be a living kidney donor because of possible scarring on the kidney because of the surgery. This isn’t a health concern with two kidneys but could possibly be with just one. They were waiting for the kidney expert to get back to them. The kind of surgery I had, the surgical instrument doesn’t come into contact with the kidney itself. So the nephrologist said I’m in!! Yay!! I knew it deep inside that it would work out! I can feel the stars aligning in our favor. My perfect match is waiting for me! #holdonimcoming
They said if there is no match in Philadelphia, they will send my kidney on an airplane to the person! I never even been on an airplane! But in just a few short months my kidney could be! Makes me giggle lol I can choose someone specifically also who needs a kidney, pretty much whoever I want, just anyone needing a kidney (there are so many, they are not hard to find), and if we aren’t a match but I turn out to be healthy enough, I can donate my kidney to a different stranger, and the person I chose will get a kidney that is more suitable to them through my donation. It’s called a “voucher.” They’ll get the next available kidney that matches them. It usually happens within a few months after the living donor donates to someone else. So my one donation can get two people in need a kidney (one would be mine) who wouldn’t have one without it. This is the way I am going. I’m going to choose a very very sick person who cannot wait for a deceased donor (some people in need of a kidney can wait months to years before death while others cannot), give that person a “voucher” if we aren’t a match but I’m healthy, donate my kidney to a stranger somewhere else, and the currently dying person gets the next available kidney in the nick of time. I already have someone in mind if all goes well. I saw his plead for a kidney on a subway ad. He lives close to Philadelphia. I looked him up, and he doesn’t have much longer to live because his kidney function is so low. Single digits low. He was crying on the news saying it’s a race against time. If he gets a living donor kidney, doctors said he can live another 20+ years, which will be around the end of his natural lifespan if he wasn’t sick. He’s registered with the National Kidney Registry to receive a kidney, and I’m registered to give one (after all my testing). He’s 70 something years old and has a lot more living to do.
Just one obstacle potentially holding up the process is I need health insurance in case they find any serious medical problem during my testing that doesn’t show up on the basic health test I just did or on the off chance I suffer a complication during/just after surgery to remove my kidney, they require health insurance just in case, I got rid of my health insurance years ago because it was expensive and not currently needed. The potential recipient’s health insurance will pay for my surgery because it’s their treatment, but it won’t pay for anything that may go wrong with me because of the surgery because I’m not their patient, and that’s on me! Health insurance can be an expensive, confusing, complicated, lengthy process that can hold up the testing process. But I’m determined! I am currently working on it now, already had a few phone calls and all seems to be going smoothly. I will do WHATEVER it takes to get someone off that wait list/dialysis and add 20+ years to their life, giving them the health that I have. #whateverittakes
I’m in this for the long haul.
Just a little bit of money, little bit of blood and urine, and I can save someone’s whole life! Just a small portion of my body can give someone a whole entire life. It warms me all over just thinking that.
If all goes well, in six months, someone will be getting The Call. The call that says 20+ years are suddenly added to their life and out of the blue they can get off/won’t have to begin dialysis. And in our case, someone doesn’t have to die because I’m a LIVING donor!! WIN-WIN!
My kidney will give them an almost completely normal life with no more sickness or fatigue or pain or dialysis. And I will be just as healthy as I am now with only a few lifelong restrictions (no activity where I can get hit in the back {certain sports} and no Advil/aspirin, and that’s about it) It will take me two-three months to recover before I can go back to work.
I just couldn’t resist sharing my amazing news! I still have to do extensive medical and psychiatric testing. This just means I have been accepted into their program for further evaluation to see if I’m qualified, not actually accepted to donate a kidney just yet. We have a ways to go still for that. But I am qualified to be accepted for further evaluation, I have to pass lots more tests.
They already know I’m not diabetic, no thyroid issues or anything lacking or anything, nothing excessive, and don’t have organ failure of any kind. But they have to check for every kind of common cancer and any abnormalities inside n out of my body. I will be scanned head to toe inside and out! They will also have to take my blood and tissue and find out who it’s a match for.
They also have to do intense psychiatric evaluation, making sure I’m emotionally stable, that I have a valid reason for wanting to donate a kidney (not feeling pressured by anyone or trying to make up for some mistake or something or not hearing voices telling me to give my kidney away lol), that I have appropriate life circumstances, support network, finances, diet…all that good stuff!
Wish us luck!! #wegotthis
I did some light research to see why we have two kidneys but can live being just as healthy and long with one. I think it’s not really known why but believed to be that we have two in case there’s an accident or something and one gets damaged. When one stops working or is no longer present, the other does the work for both, no problem. I know firsthand as my right kidney, unknowingly at first, suddenly stopped working in 2007, and the left one picked up the slack. (There was a stone stuck in it blocking the ureter so no urine could go through to get filtered). It began working again after emergency surgery under general anesthesia.
I can’t wait til my perfect match gets THE CALL! 💚💚💚 It warms my heart and fills me with joy!
(Also, I was called “young & healthy,” and that made my day! 😁)
“I feel like I been rode hard and hung up wet Swallowed by a mule and crapped off a cliff I drank enough whiskey to fill up a lake Woke up this morning with a big @$$ headache Y’all I ain’t kidding this son of a b!tch hurts Where the hell are my pants Must be with my shirt I still got my boots on but make no mistake They can’t help me kick this big @$$ headache” 🤣
I feel every bit of this lol
I’m SO thankful my headache is better today, almost completely, and my appetite for life is back. Being physically ill takes more life out of me than when I’m depressed. No matter how bad my depression gets, even when it’s a full-blown major depressive episode where I can hardly get out of bed, I can usually still feel a very faint, faded, washed out spark of desire, even when it’s almost non existent, it’s still here.
I rarely to never get physically sick, but for the last few months, I seem to get a recurring respiratory virus of some sort, then yesterday I woke up with the worst migraine-like headache. It made me not want anything at all, but I wanted to want stuff. I saw green nail polish I wanted and just couldn’t (I got it today and painted my nails!). I wanted to want coffee and food. My body was so hungry, but I had no emotional desire and couldn’t eat.
I don’t actually have migraine headaches but something that feels like them because I have tmj dysfunction, a disorder in my jaw joint, I had since I was little. It’s chronic, and there’s no known cure or safe treatments that I know of but some very effective stretches and self massages. I’m very used to it; it’s not an issue, just a minor inconvenience. It doesn’t affect my health and is not progressive. It can have severe flare-ups, but I’m used to it, and they aren’t that frequent.
One of the symptoms is headaches of different kinds, including these migraine -like ones. I don’t usually get them. But when I do, they are terrible and almost debilitating. This was one of the worst ones. I am very high functioning no matter what and can push my way through anything. And that’s what I had to do yesterday as we are understaffed, and I can’t just take off work. But all day, I had to stop and rest my head against things. The headaches are gross, a sickly kind of ache. They make just the thought of food or water repulsive. I was dehydrated and extremely hungry all day but couldn’t eat or drink except a few drops of water I forced myself to drink. The hunger and thirst were adding to the extreme discomfort. As soon as I got home, I had to get right into bed. I couldn’t even drink Tylenol tea and couldn’t stand to get a shower (I did today though lol). One of the worst parts is how I wanted food but at the same second did not want it or wanted to want it but just couldn’t, something like that. Anyway, my lack of desire wasn’t natural but being blocked or repressed by something.
The headache was triggered because I laid on my pillow overnight. For years now, I can’t lay on a pillow or I wake up with a debilitating headache. I like to hold the pillow in my arms as I sleep better anyway so don’t mind. The pillow does something to my neck, and it affects my head. I know not to fall asleep on my pillow. But sometimes I wake up on it anyway. I don’t realize in my sleep that I’m putting it under my head. If I wake up on it in the middle of the night, I remove it, and it’s usually good in the morning. But last night when I woke up on it, I was so sleepy, I just said what they hey, and kept it there, falling back asleep. lol BIG mistake!! I woke up SICK. It wasn’t as bad til I got into a car, and the movement pulled on my neck a certain way, which worsened it. I don’t have neck or head pain in general. Just my neck was messed up because of the pillow then the car movement jerked it and ouch! Headache intensified.
They usually only last a day. Usually the next day I wake up with them gone. Today I woke up still with the headache, but it got better and better as the day went on. Thankfully!!! So this is me expressing my gratitude lol
I hope you are having a beautiful day or night wherever in the world you are! ❤️
This is me in March 2020. I was super super happy (I’m happy in general when my depression isn’t flaring but sometimes I am in an especially joyful mood and was here 😁). You can see it all over my face! LoL
Anyway, here is my current list of Happy!
1.) My job! It’s very fulfilling and fun and joyful! I’m a pet nanny! 🐾😻🐶
2.) Iced green tea 🍵 matcha lattes! I love them and have been drinking them everyday. 💚
3.) My body/health. It’s beautiful and energetic and holds me well. It allows me to do everything I want to do and recovers so quickly. I rarely get sick and when I get cut, my cuts heal super quickly. When I contracted the plague in 2020, I never even knew it because I never got sick! (I did thoroughly lose my taste/smell for two months, thought I had nerve damage) I only found out donating blood! The Red Cross told me I have the antibodies. I have a wicked immune system.I’m not thankful for not getting sick then (I was out in public walking around not knowing, though did not go near anyone and always had a mask on) butjust goes to show how great my body is.
4.) My photography/glitch art hobby – It brings me joy and I’m good at it!
5.) My online friends! ❤️ Sometimes online friends are better than the in person ones(not that I currently have in person friends but hope to soon!).
6.) Movies! I love horror and comedies and especially love falling asleep watching horror ones!
7.) Acts of kindness 💜
8.) Philadelphia – My true love 💙 I just love walking its streets all day & night. 🌆 🏙️
9.) Oldies music! ❤️ The main music I listen to!
10.) My ability to experience compassion and sadness for others no matter how old it gets. I keep seeing people seeing they are too numbed by the violence all around us to care anymore. Sometimes that happens to me when I am severely depressed and especially when also extremely overworked along with it. Depression can burn out all our emotions when it’s extremely severe (it’s nothing at all to do with being a bad or uncaring person, can happen to anyone) but in general I can experience compassion and empathy and sadness and happiness for others.
11.) The birdsong on Spring & Summer nights. I can hear it now! 💕 Beautiful!
12.)That beautiful tender loving feeling when a depressive episode or wave is gradually lifting.I have always said that it’s almost worth it to be so sick because the feeling of it lifting is so beautiful and amazing. And I don’t use the word “amazing” loosely. ❤️
I hopeyou are having a beautiful day or night wherever in the world you are and remember to look for the good even in the darkness. 🖤
“An old farmer was once asked at a meeting of the Agricultural Congress to give his opinion on the best slope of land for the raising of a particular kind of fruit. ‘It does not make so much difference,’ said the old man, ‘about the slope of the land as the slope of the man.’ Many a farmer who has the right slope makes a good living and gets a competence on very poor soil, while the farmer who does not slope the right way barely exists upon the richest soil. Happiness does not depend so much upon our being favorably environed as upon the slope of our mind. It is not enough to extract happiness from ideal conditions; any one can do that. But it is the self-mastered, the self-poised soul who can get happiness out of the most inhospitable surroundings. ‘Paradise is here or nowhere. You must take your joy with you or you will never find it.’ The trouble with us is that we expect too much from the great happenings, the unusual things, and we overlook the common flowers on the path of life, from which we might abstract sweets, comforts, delights.”
Diaphragmatic Breathing – Short youtube video to quickly learn how to breathe most effectively
(Content/possible trigger warning ⚠️: In part of this post, I briefly & lightly mention BDSM, a kink, where people, with consent, may be t**d up, usually in a s*xual context. It’s nothing graphic that I explain but just mentioning something to do with breathing that I learned in a fiction book about BDSM, that helps with meditation. But anyone who has experienced trauma may be triggered even by non graphic things, even by seeing certain words so I may block some things out with *** It’s important to face triggers but only when ready as possible, not by suddenly seeing a post on the internet when not in the frame of mind. Also, some asexual people do not want to encounter anything that has anything to do with s*x even if they weren’t traumatized because it’s icky or repulsive to them[not prudes at all, just grossed out and/or tired of hearing about the s*x constantly when it’s not in someone’s nature to want/crave it].
I’ll put a warning before the mention of the BDSM so any trauma survivors or aces can skip it. And I will put the caution signs ⚠️ ⚠️ ⚠️ ⚠️ at the end so anyone who skips can see where it ends and continue reading.)
“The 4-7-8 breathing technique, also known as ‘relaxing breath,’ involves breathing in for 4 seconds, holding the breath for 7 seconds, and exhaling for 8 seconds.“
This is a very simple and powerful technique to stop anxiety in its tracks. Of course, it may not work for every single person but is effective for many, if not most. For me, it works instantly.
I haven’t been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder and never struggled with general anxiety but I have suffered a six month long battle with debilitating health anxiety in 2019. And in 2015 I lost my close friend unexpectedly to a heart attack and after that have struggled with bouts of anxiety off and on and fear of others I know all of a sudden dying. Every now and again but not frequently, I have this terrible suffocating fear arise that someone I know will die soon or is dying right now or will suffer an illness. It’s something that comes and goes and even though it’s not constant or usually frequent, it is difficult to bear when it does occur. It can feel like it will never end and like I am the only one in the world suffering it. I have also struggled with crippling claustrophobia,whichIhave conquered on my own as I frequently must get on elevators forwork. It was important for me to heal it.
So while I don’t have anxiety as badly or frequently as some people and don’t currently have a disorder, I know what it’s like to be plagued by anxiety sometimes. I believe my experience with health anxiety in 2019 would have been diagnosed as a fullblown disorder if I would have asked for help. It takes extreme strength and courage to battle anxiety. It’s a display of strength and courage to live with anxiety, NOT a sign of weakness or cowardice. People with anxiety are forced to be stronger than people without anxiety have to be, yet often feel we are weak and cowardly if we are anxious and fearful. There is no way we would be surviving it each second if we were weak minded. It takes emotional and physical strength to endure. To me, it’s worse than depression and I have suffered severe depression off and on for years. It’s difficult to imagine the strength of anxiety survivors who live with it regularly. Just six months for me was nearly unbearable.
My anxiety when it arises, more often than not, manifests as physical sensations and emotions as opposed to thoughts. Because of this, mine may be easier to calm down when it does arise than if I had deeply rooted fears and thoughts.
My heart pounds, nearly out of my chest, my breathing becomes shallow, my head spins, and bolts of fear run up and down my body, heart palpitations, and I have this terrible feeling that someone I know is dying, near death, or will soon die. Sometimes it lasts off and on for days, usually just off and on in one day. It tends to be worse at night and early mornings when it is occurring. And sometimes my health anxiety for my own self tries to return and convince me I have cancer. It’s absolutely frightening and life destroying when it’s constant like in 2019. I developed uncontrollable rituals each day, incessantly checking for lumps and marks on my body. I stayed on Google day and night reading about diseases and looking at pictures of diseases I was convinced I had. It was a fullblown obsession. How I survived those six months, I still don’tknow.
When it’s out of control, it’s very difficult to meditate or just breathe so best to catch it when a symptom or episode is just beginning, or beginning to worsen, or not quite as intense. When my heart begins to pound or those bolts of fear ripple up and down my body, I do the 4-7-8 breathing technique and instantly my body calms. It’s not a cure, of course, but a good way to get instant relief and if it becomes a habit, it may just be a “cure” for some or at least make anxiety less frequent. It’s just it can be difficult finding the motivation or time to make it an ingrained habit. Or for many, their anxiety is just generally too severe to be able to sit there and breathe, mindfully.
But for me, it does work. When I’m out walking, if I am hit with fear or panic or anxious sensations, I do that breathing technique. Also, I haven’t made it a habit yet but at night/morning, I listen to a peaceful song/music and do the breathing technique even if I am not currently anxious. It’s very pleasant and can prevent anxiety. It instills in me a peaceful sensation all throughout.
One thing to be mindful of is if we meditate only infrequently or haven’t in a while, meditation may bring out more fear or anxiety or anger or sadness or grief…, because we have emotions and responses to everyday life and certain experiences already inside us and often pent up. Meditation will loosen it up and bring it all to the surface/consciousness like a plunger loosening all the contents in a sink or toilet. Lol It may make it seem like meditation or mindfulness is a bad thing or just not for us. But could just be we have to meditate more often. Everyday we experience things and our emotional reactions no matter how serious or not, build up. We get cut off in traffic, we drop things, we spill coffee on our white shirt, we see someone almost get hit by a car running across a street, we hear a loud noise that startles us, our coworker says something that ticks us off, we may remember someone dying years ago and feel current distress or sadness about it…all of our emotional reactions to these things stay inside us even if we quickly forget them. Then meditation brings it all out later and we may feel the stress, anger, fear for a while after a meditation session but it’s actually a good thing as all those emotions need a release.
As I mention when promoting breathing exercises, I suggest people who are physically able to, as long as it’s safe for them, do the shoulder blade exercise at the beginning to open up the airways and make breathing easier and deeper.
⚠️ ⚠️ ⚠️ Content Warning ⚠️⚠️ ⚠️
Some years ago, I read a fiction legal thriller series of books by Stephen Penner, for fun and learned an invaluable life tip. In one of the books, the medical examiner, character, Dr. Kat Anderson, explained that putting our arms back like that opens the chest cavity and helps us breathe better. In the book a woman was accidentally killed by her man while they were engaging in BDSM, a kink where they tie each other up and stuff; it looks and sounds violent but is usually safe and is one hundred percent consensual.
The characters were hooking up and he tied her arms back with her consent and he accidentally killed her. The doctor explained how she would have died sooner if not for her arms being tied back like that. The reason she died is he choked her (with her consent) and since her arms were back, she was breathing better so lived longer. I realized I can do that before meditations to make me breathe more deeply and just randomly throughout the day and then a professional fitness trainer told me the same thing, to do that all day, everyday. It aids in our breathing.
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So put your arms straight at your sides then lift them to your waist, bend the elbows and squeeze shoulder blades for five seconds then loosen for a few seconds then do the same again however many sessions you see fit. Don’t shrug your shoulders while squeezing the shoulder blades. That isn’t necessary and may not be safe or effective.
This is only for people who can safely do this, don’t have pain or physical limitations, have arms…I understand this isn’t for everyone. I think the average person can do this though. Remember for counting seconds, 1 Mississippi, 2 Mississippi, 3 Mississippi….I learned this is elementary school just saying one two three is less than a second so put the Mississippi after and it’s closest to one second. 😁
This song in the YouTube video above, Mozart: Canzonetta Sull’aria, is one of my favorite ones to meditate to. It’s beautiful and peaceful and scientifically shown to be one of the most relaxing songs on Earth. Weightless – ten hour version or Weightless – eight minutes version is the actual most relaxing (scientifically proven) and I love that one too. But this one is a bit too relaxing and can make us sleepy or go to sleep. I’m not always trying to go to sleep after meditation. Sometimes I’m meditating in the morning or afternoon or out walking or before work and Weightless isn’t a good idea those occasions. But it’s great right before sleep or if it doesn’t matter if we are sleepy.
When breathing, only the abdomen should move, not the chest. And breathing should always be inhaling through the nose with the stomach expanding and exhaling through the mouth with stomach deflating. It’s called diaphragmatic breathing and does matter. It’s the proper way to breathe, the most healthy, but most of us don’t breathe that way and our breathing is shallow. Diaphragmatic breathing is best for coping with pain and anxiety and just the healthiest in all of life.
Remember to breathe as slowly and deeply as possible, especially breathing out. It takes practice. And remember to gently bring your wandering mind back to breath. That takes practice too. Everyone without exception will have a wandering mind, even those experienced with meditation. It’s just the nature of the human mind. It’s not a flaw or something worthy of self criticism. It’s just important to catch it as best as we can because before we know it our allotted meditation time is over and was taken up daydreaming of our lunch later, or some task at work tomorrow, or stores we have to visit. Again, not a flaw! And not an indication that we aren’t good at mediation. It happens to everyone who tries to meditate or do breathwork. It’s just important to get into the habit of catching it as much as possible for mediation to be most effective.
Anyone who tries meditation or breathwork is successful. Just taking that step to better our own self and be better for those around us is an accomplishment.
A Dose of Inspiration 