The trouble with the rat race 🖤{confession session}

I don’t want some pretty face to tell me pretty lies 🖤

Trigger warning: ⚠️ body image/mental health/s*icidal ideation…nothing very graphic, just briefly mentioned, that’s not what this post is about, there is quite a bit about body image/talk though that could be very triggering to some, I would suggest not reading it if you’re someone with serious body image issues because it’s nothing positive or inspiring and is not even my experience, just me mentioning someone else’s experience with it

Censored words are in case I share on FB where we can get our accounts suspended or because the words can be triggering for someone with trauma history.

If I could go back, do it again, I’d be someone you could call friend, please, please believe that I’m sorry. 🖤

It’s a confession session!

This is one of the more unpleasant things about me most people don’t know about. I am APPALLED with myself for this.

I’m embarrassed to admit this, but I feel I want to put it “out there” for some sense of something, not sure if it’s to cleanse my conscience or whatever. Lol It is something that nags me on occasion. It’s something that was wrong on so many levels or in so many aspects. It’s something that I wish never happened and I feel guilty about when I think of it. It’s only when I think of it, not a general thing, and I don’t think of it a lot. But unfortunately I still have much of this fake relationship in writing online. I haven’t looked at our conversations for years after we ended our friendship and rarely thought about it. But one day a few years ago, I went back and skimmed through our old conversations and was APPALLED with myself. There have been occasions shortly after I revisited our conversations where it kept me up all night. After this, this experience has stuck with me and resurfaces in my mind now & again. I forgot so much of what I did til I read our messages. I cringe so hard.

Once something is out there, it’s out there. I wish I could delete the whole thing, the whole relationship and all evidence of it, not because it’s unpleasant or unkind or whatever but because it’s so fake and was never real. I don’t mind that my cruel messages are still out there because I felt that all sincerely when I wrote and sent it. The cruelty was real. But the fake stuff I wish was gone. Lol She told me she kept everything, screencaptures and all, of my cruel messages, and that she would keep it forever to remember what kind of person I am. I don’t think I would say I was a cruel person. But I did choose to be cruel in the moments I was. What I regret more though is the fakeness. The false flattery, the empty I love you’s, I need you’s, the meaningless gifts, the whole show I put on for ten years…

Don’t fear the enemy who att*cks you, but the fake friend who hugs you.

I was that fake friend.

I’m embarrassed about who I chose to be back then. But it was ages ago. It was 10+ years ago, and I was 20 something years young.

I recently was looking at writing prompts while in a creative mood, and one was to share something that could make us look like a bad person or something unpleasant/unkind we once did.

I thought of many years ago when I was in a ten year long ongoing frenemy situation with a girl I met as a teenager.

When I met her, I currently had no real friendships. I had kids to talk to at lunch in school and chat online with, once in a while walk around with after school. But they were casual friends, not really general friends or anything of substance, and never anything that carried out of the context of school. I longed for a real friend. I did have good friends for a while and loved them, but we had very different lifestyles, and I felt we were incompatible. At fifteen years old I chose to stop being an active friend to them. We talked online once in a while and saw each other around, giving each other hugs here and there, still, but no longer hung out in person. They were into drugs and criminal activity (but were the kindest people you could ever meet), I wasn’t into all that and just felt our friendship wasn’t going to really work out. I never judged them or anything, just couldn’t be involved with that. I was into watching movies and going to restaurants and shopping, playing board games and cards. My friends were into alcohol, other drugs, stealing, breaking into soda machines, cutting school, sneaking out at night, being delinquents….I did not care, but I couldn’t relate.

At sixteen years old, a casual acquaintance of mine introduced me to her new friend. We instantly clicked and became good friends. She was funny, outgoing, bubbly…and she was a “good girl” like me, never touched alcohol or a cigarette or cut school or anything. She loved clothes and makeup and shopping like me. We were almost identical in personality except she was outgoing and bubbly while I was quiet and reserved. She also cursed while I did not. She said things like hell and sh!t and damn and called other girls b!tches and s*uts (I began to do this just to impress her, and it felt so unnatural and wrong to me). She wouldn’t say f*ck though. She was religious and pro-life, she knew I’m an atheist and judged me for it. I did not use the word “atheist” back then but did not believe in the whole god stuff. She judged me for not going to church and not praying. To her, I began to pretend like I did believe in it to a point, so she wouldn’t think less of me. As adults, I pretended to be pro-life so she would think more of me. She did eventually have kids but at one point was told she may never because of health conditions and weight problems that could affect her heart and stuff. She said it wasn’t ok that women who are lucky enough to be able to have kids can just “k!ll them.” I pretended to agree. I would sign up for Pro-life stuff and make pro-life arguments to impress her, she said my debating skills for any topic absolutely amazed her, and she couldn’t imagine being that good at debating and writing. (I have been told this by teachers and professors and others all life long, so I believed her) She said sexual activity outside of marriage is wrong and judged women for it. She said it goes against “god.” I disagreed with her on all this but just played along. She wasn’t homophobic or racist so there’s that. Lol She liked girls too.

At sixteen years old, we quickly became best friends and already after only a couple weeks of knowing each other said we would be close friends forever, never losing touch. We made plans for a future together. I remember us sitting on a bus together planning on taking each other out to celebrate when we got our first grownup jobs, she planned to have me in her wedding as her bridesmaid or maid of honor with her sister (I never planned to get married but told her she would be my maid of honor if I did along with my sister) and to tell me first when she had her first kiss. We even planned to be roommates in the future. At this point I genuinely believed we were friends.

We hung out together for hours after school and took the bus home together everyday. We had the same sense of humor and interests. We met up on the weekends, often with other girls, going to movies and shopping malls. I loved it and felt like I finally had a true friend, someone I could relate to. I loved our sister-like friendship. Something about her always rubbed me the wrong way though, something I couldn’t quite put my finger on. I was able to just brush it off for a while because she was a lot of fun, and I could call her friend. But there was a resentment brewing beneath the surface. She was extremely judgmental and jealous just in general.

After not very long, I began to see some red flags but ignored them. My mom noticed before I consciously did. She told me the girl wasn’t a true friend. But she was my closest friend and so much like me, I wanted to overlook anything wrong she did. She was so fun. And she’s the one who held our whole friend group together. We were all friends but more friends with her, she was the “leader.” (I have had a few friend groups like this, and unfortunately if we have a falling out with the “leader,” the rest tend to take that person’s side. ) The problem was, I wasn’t genuinely overlooking the red flags, I was taking notice and secretly harboring resentment. I wasn’t genuinely letting it slide but tucking it away and keeping inventory.

That resentment began to seep into my words and actions and gestures and saturating my motives, in discreet but still destructive ways. Gradually, it molded me into someone else when I was interacting with her, someone who looked like me but wasn’t. Even in the encounters where we just talked about our mundane day or whatever mood we were in, even in my most honest moments, there was an underlying fakeness, a secret agenda. Even my truths were laced with deceit, fabrication. I saw it all as I looked back through our years worth of conversations. No one else would notice, but I know. I saw the show-offy underpinnings, the secret selfish agenda, the exaggeration, the shock value…Even when everything I said was true, none of it was really true. It wasn’t genuine.

She struggled with body image and low self esteem while I did not. Her body was her biggest insecurity. And I think this is why our friendship ultimately did not work out. I noticed how her attitude relating to me would change for a while if I wore a short shirt while we were out together or if I wore short shorts during girls movie nights. She would tell me as adults not to ever be alone in a room with her husband and not to ever hug him (her husband never looked at me that way, and I am not into men{she did not know this back then, I never told anyone til many years later}, even if I was I wouldn’t go for a man who is already taken, I chose to sink low back then, but even I wouldn’t sink that level of low lol). One day the girls and me were in the kitchen with her man while she was in the living room, the girls all walked into the living room while I stayed helping with food in the kitchen (before she told me not to be alone with him), and she ran so fast into the kitchen and escorted me into the living room. She would ask how I got my body to look like it did. I wasn’t sure exactly what she meant. I never did anything, it just looked that way naturally. She wore loose large clothes trying to cover her body and said she felt unsexy in clothes like that but that she felt very self conscious if she wore more revealing or tight clothing. She was also very jealous of my long hair. Her hair wouldn’t grow longer than her shoulders or it did but looked unhealthy or something and had to be cut. Basically she couldn’t have hair much longer than her shoulders and wanted it very long. She frequently told me I don’t know how lucky I am to be able to show my whole body in pictures and have hair almost to my hips.

Throwback to when I was young and my hair wasn’t damaged by the sun – I work outside now for seven years, n it takes a toll on my lovely locks
Another throwback! 💕
Throwback 🖤 I look mostly the same now (see first picture of this post above) but a bit older and hair not as long because of weather damage working outside

She would look at me in disgust when I wore short shirts or shorts and then make remarks about something not looking good on me, a certain color not being my color or an accessory not looking right. Back then, belly chains were a thing, thin chains that would go around the abdomen and hang down a little bit, with like a cute butterfly or heart or flower charm almost like a necklace but around the waist. I wore those with belly shirts, and was told by her they don’t look right on me. She tried to wear one, but it wouldn’t fit around her waist. So she tried to make me think they weren’t good on me. It did not work and only provoked resentment in me for her. But I suppressed it because I wanted her as my friend. I also had my bellybutton pierced at sixteen years old, and she told me I did not have the personality for that and that people would get the wrong idea of me. She said only a certain kind of girl had a belly ring, and I wasn’t that kind of girl. In school and when we would hang out right after school, she would only see me in my school uniform. But on the weekends and evenings if we hung out, I wore my regular clothes and stuff, and it would trigger her. My mom said she was super jealous of me just by what I told my mom. I never believed my mom til I saw years later. With my intuition, I knew something wasn’t right though, all along. She wasn’t a friend.

If I would tell her something unkind someone said to/about me, she would say “Well she has a right to her opinion/can say whatever she wants.” Not long after we first met as teenagers, we brought Christmas cards/gifts to school for each of our friends. She gave them each one except me then claimed to have forgotten to get me a gift or write me a card. She pretended to feel guilty and kept saying sorry. I kept saying it was ok. I believed her back then but years later realized the truth after stuff like that continued to happen frequently through the years. I was disappointed back then but not angry. It’s not that I wanted a gift or card but disappointed that she wasn’t thinking of me. I remember the feeling, a feeling of her not caring about me enough to remember but caring about all our other friends. None of the others were left out, and we were even closer to each other than to them, she always said she felt closest to me than anyone, even closer than her actual sister. As adults she told her husband everything important first then me second then everyone else, even her own family found stuff out after me. I would have felt so honored, but my intuition told me something just wasn’t right all along, and I ignored it. An honest mistake is ok, it happens, and in some cases it truly doesn’t mean someone doesn’t care, someone can slip and leave someone out, I probably could. But she intended for me to have this feeling. And that is a big red flag. When a friend or family member intentionally tries to make someone seem unloved, not cared for, abandoned, forgotten, that is a big red flag. That was probably the first red flag. And I did not see it. I totally believed she meant well. In fact, I actually felt sorry for her because I truly believed she felt guilty and sorry, and I thought my card and gift to her probably added to that guilt.

She wouldn’t let me in pictures when we all took pictures together. She would stand in back of the other girls and not let me in at all. She would tell me she was embarrassed by her appearance/weight especially when people saw us together. As adults, she shared many of her wedding pictures online, and I was in none of the ones she shared. The only wedding pictures of hers I was in were ones that family/friends of hers shared. There was a group photo of us all hugging that someone took with her phone, then she asked me to take one of her and the girls all hugging, basically the same photo but with me not in it. That’s the one she shared on her own account, the one I took, without me in it. She wrote something about being thankful for her best girls and thanking them for being a part of her big day, tagged them all in it, leaving me out. There were also pictures of her hugging each of her closest friends/sister/sisters in law, individually, and she put each picture on except the one with her and me hugging. I was not one of the bridesmaids, just received a very last minute invitation as an afterthought. So it makes sense that some pictures would just be the girls who were in the wedding. But not one picture had me in it even pictures with others who were not in the wedding. (And I graduated college that year and spent all my cash gifts n gift cards to me by family as graduation gifts on her and her man, bought them house gifts, bought her jewelry, and gave them cash because they were poor, they would have me paying for all the food ordered during hangouts at their house, n my money would go missing out of my handbag during sleepovers and even at mutual friends’ houses, but that never happened at the mutual friends’ houses when she wasn’t there)

I did not see this in a compassionate understanding way, I made it about me. That she wasn’t including ME, that she was being a terrible friend to ME, that I was left out, poor ME. I do think it’s toxic to a friendship how she handled it, she could have communicated and straight up said she’s sorry but too self conscious to share pics of us together. Even if she did though, I probably wouldn’t have handled it well and still felt abandoned and excluded and angry. If I had a friend who did this today, I still would see it as toxic and cannot say for sure if it would put a strain on our friendship. It would look like she cares more about image than friendship. But I would understand to a point and not make it all about me. I wouldn’t passive aggressively post pictures of me in skinny jeans with low cut shirts and captions like “Thin girl with big boobs” just to get at her like I did back then. I would consciously try to feel compassion more than resentment even if I chose to distance or I would communicate and say how it affects me and our friendship and see if we could work it out or have to distance or even if I could just s u c k it up and still be close friends but with proper communication. I can see both sides, it has to be really challenging to have such low body image and be around women they see as much prettier. But it also s u c k s to be on the other side and not be included by someone supposed to be our friend all because of jealousy, image, and appearance. There is an adult way to handle it, and communication and boundaries are crucial. The problem by that point though was that I already stopped liking her ages ago, our friendship wasn’t worth salvaging. All these little things added up and culminated to me having no positive feelings for her at all, just wanting her to allay some lifelong insecurity, like when someone doesn’t love someone but loves the idea of them or their relationship with them.

She frequently told me that I was the “hott one” of the group and that she wished she had my body and my confidence. I would reassure her she was beautiful just the way she was. One Summer day at seventeen years old, a group of us girls were clothes shopping and trying on clothes in the changing room, we would all come out and show each other what the clothes looked like on us. There was this really skimpy outfit we all liked, made really tight and small, a one piece outfit with the back exposed and boobs showing a bit and cooch!e cutter shorts. I don’t completely remember it but something like that. She said this outfit won’t fit any of us so don’t even try. She said none of us had the body for it. We tried it anyway except for her. It couldn’t fit any of them in any size but did fit me, and I did in fact have the body for it(still do). I came out and showed them it on me. They all said it looked really good on me. But she said I looked like a s*ut and that people would get “the wrong idea” and that I shouldn’t buy it. So I put it back. After that, I noticed more subtle remarks she would say to/about me that were meant to get at me but could easily be brushed off as a joke or as her trying to “help” me. I always let them slide. She made remarks frequently that I look like a wh*re in my clothes and make-up (this worsened as we became adults) and that no wonder men flirt with me everywhere, that I seemed like I was “asking for it.”

Whenever we knew/met a man who liked me, she told me it’s only because I look like I easily put out. She constantly told me I should “cover up” and not post pictures with my full body showing. She claimed it was for my own good. She would also tell me she wished she could dress like me and not feel self conscious. One day she did wear tight revealing clothes, and her own mom told her she did not have the body for it and shouldn’t dress like that. It made her feel even more low about her body.

She made comments that my hair was ratty looking, that my nail polish was always cracked and I was in desperate need of a manicure… If I would get a manicure or fix my hair up or anything, she would make a remark like “Finally” or “I see you finally decided to fix yourself up…” Then follow up with something like “You know I’m only playing” or “Just saying. Our friendship is strong enough so I can be honest when it’s needed.” I totally agree that true friends should be able to be honest when necessary even if it’s not pleasant or is awkward, and I can totally take a real joke. But this wasn’t like that. It was intended to undermine my self confidence and make me self conscious or think I don’t look presentable to others. This may seem obvious like why still be her friend, but it was done in a subtle way thrown in with a bunch of “I love you so much like a sister, you’re my closest friend, I tell you everything more than anyone else…” Sometimes I would stop contacting her for a while when I was really ticked off, and she would send me a bunch of messages all day saying please don’t be mad at her. So I would write back that I wasn’t angry, just busy.

She would frequently host girls nights out, sleepovers, movie nights all kinds of stuff with girls we both knew and not tell me til it was over then act like she forgot. Just like with the Christmas card in high school. It carried into adulthood. Sometimes this would trigger depressive episodes in me. Her and her husband were big horror fans, like me. I saw a horror movie back then that is not very well known but really good. Don’t remember it now. I knew they would love it and sent them it in the mail as a surprise gift for their wedding anniversary. She sent me a thank you message, and we mentioned how we’ll get together and watch it even though I already saw it. We loved watching movies together and commenting on what we were watching throughout the movie. Next thing I’m getting messages about a girls movie night where the girls got together to watch the movie I bought her, and it was so fun. Without me. Rubbing it in how much fun they had and how much they loved it. There were a few occasions I bought them a movie or let them borrow mine (back when dvd’s were a thing) and they had movie night at their house watching those movies without me. I frequently mentioned that I would love to be part of their get togethers more often and was always told I would be invited to the next one. And wasn’t. I admit that this is something that still affects me now, emotionally. It can be difficult sometimes not to internalize it, particularly because I have had this happen at different stages of life with different friend groups, even as an almost middle aged adult. It’s not about me personally, just how people are, it’s unfortunately common, bullying, ghosting, breadcrumbing, exclusion, at all ages. But it can be easy to take personally. I’m not perfect, myself. I haven’t been the perfect friend. But I’m not someone who is generally toxic and don’t do anything that warrants this.

When I went to college, the other girls still saw each other frequently. We lived close enough that I could have easily met up with them. But she wouldn’t invite me then would call me and tell me all about the fun they were having together. She knew I had an insecurity about being excluded and stuff because it happened to me as a younger teenager by other girls (this is what triggered the initial onset of my depressive disorder). When I first went to college I had no new friends yet so it was important to me to keep in touch with her. She rarely called me or responded to my messages/phone calls to her. Eventually I got new friends who were actually friends, not fakes. But I still wanted her because she was my longest friend and the closest I had to a childhood friend, also I always wished I had a sister-like friend. Most of my new friends were men, which is still enough to fulfill my social desires/needs, I just wished I had a best girl too. I had women friends, just not exactly like that. I have had this insecurity about wanting a friend since we were kids. I thought that would make me more whole and mean I’m more loved. So even though I loved my newer friends and knew she wasn’t a real friend, she could fulfill something in me that they couldn’t. And my new friends all had childhood friends they still kept in touch with. I felt excluded like I wanted one too. I was the only one in our friend group who had no real friends outside that group. So I tried to force a friendship with her that just wasn’t.

Through the years, after high school, sometimes we would see each other frequently and sometimes not much at all. But we never lost contact completely. I was the one reaching out to her much more frequently, and she would say she was so glad to be back in touch after months or sometimes almost a year. She knew about my insecurity about feeling I need an old friend since we were young and would rub it in that her and the other girls we were friends with still see each other frequently since high school and are like a group of sisters. She knew this would just k!ll me inside. They were not in on this with her, she’s just like the one who kept the friendship group together. We were all more friends with her than each other, and most of the hang outs were hosted by her and her husband at their house. Her husband also had nothing to do with it. He was very quiet, meek, socially awkward, introverted, she “wore the pants” in the relationship, and he just went along with everything. I always knew me being excluded and all the remarks and insults and all were all her, not any of them. None of them saw it like I did. Sometimes they even asked me why I wasn’t at some of the friend gatherings. Or they would ask me if I was going to one coming up that I never even knew about and would tell them I wasn’t asked to go, and they would say “You never told Kim,” and she would say something like “oh I’m sorry, I forgot, of course you’re invited!”

I developed resentment for her through the years. It was building up all along, but I just ignored it. I wanted the image of a sister-like friendship since childhood/adolescence. Our friendship became even more passive aggressive on both our parts. We mostly kept in touch by e-mail and phone through the years, but eventually I decided to find her on social media and contact her after almost a year of not seeing/talking to each other except a phone call/hang out here and there. I sent her a message on FB saying something like remember me, we used to be friends. I was saying it in a passive aggressive way but in a way that could also come off as me being friendly and playful.

I remembered her years ago saying she needed to be needed by a man and friends. So I pretended to need her, pretended she was all I had, just because I wanted a girl friend since we were young. Even though I currently had true friends. I did not have a long-term friend or a sister-like friend and tried to force her to be both. Not “force” like control her, she went along with it, just tried to force something that just wasn’t real.

I acted like someone I wasn’t with her. I used language/words/cursing/phrases that I don’t naturally use and acted so clingy and needy just to keep her as my friend and impress her. I have many old conversations with her that a while ago I read through after not talking to her in years and throughout reading I would think “Da fuq did I write?, Da fuq did I just read?” 😆 I cannot believe how fake I was just to get someone I did not even like to like me. I trash talked all my true friends to her, trash talked my family, my coworkers back then (she did the same with hers), everyone I knew, just to make it look like she was all I had. I told her any problems I had and often exaggerated them to look needy. But at the same second I wanted her to be super jealous of me. So I also often would rub stuff in to try to make her jealous. When I would see her post about hating her body and wanting to lose weight, I would post pics of myself right after in a short tight dress or swimsuit. One night she posted that she ate too much and felt so bloated and ugly and was getting ready for bed, I told her she was so beautiful (I was faking the kindness and was secretly taking great satisfaction in her ordeal, I suspect she knew the truth, we knew what each other did), and then after she went to bed, I got all dolled up and posted a picture of me in a little black dress with stiletto heels so it would be the first thing she saw when she woke up in the morning, I knew her biggest insecurity was her body like she knew my biggest insecurity was not having a true long-term girl-friend). She did stuff like this to me too. She would frequently post about her group of girls who were like sisters and her childhood best friend she doesn’t know what she would do without and how often they all see each other. I knew them all and was rarely invited. One day I posted about an argument with my mom, and she posted about the amazing day she had hanging out with her mom. Another day I posted that I wished I had an IPhone but did not have the money. Next thing she was posting how much she loves her iphone and how she uses it all day to text her best girls, who also all had one, who are like sisters. So I took pics of myself in a bra and tight low pants and posted them. 😆 We knew exactly what each other was doing. One day I told her my closest friend other than her was on vacation and I was in a depressed lonely mood (this was true), and she said something like aww I’m always here for you, I love you so much like a sister. Then later that day all the girls were together for movie and game night all loving each other like sisters, and I wasn’t invited. So I asked my dad for his credit card to go shopping and posted something like “Going shopping with Daddy’s credit card” and then posted all pictures of me in my skimpy new clothes & heels for her to see. She commented on some of the pictures with her subtle insults saying my hair can use a comb or be careful because men will love those s*utty clothes. And next thing I had trolls (her using different accounts) calling me an ugly s*ut and stuff.

We would write statuses about each other but act like it wasn’t about each other, we both knew it was though. I would write about “this jealous b!tch who is so jealous she can’t see straight,” and she would write about this “stup!d stuck up b!tch who thinks she’s something,” or we would write about fake friends. Then we would ask each other “Is this about me?” Then our responses would be something like “Omg, no! It’s not about you! Omg, I love you like a sister, you’re the best friend I have…! How could you think it’s about you?! It’s just some girl at work.” 🤣

She also did creepy things online, making fake accounts and sending strange e-mails under different addresses, there was this thing back then to play a joke on people where it looks like a different e-mail address/phone number sent an e-mail/text, but for some reason the person’s real e-mail address/phone number would show up at the end, it made no sense since the point was to pretend someone else sent it. They never said that would happen. My sister tried to play a silly joke on me before, and I knew it was her because her real contact info showed up. My sister never knew that would happen. My sister and me would receive strange texts and e-mails with links to spam and viruses by an unknown number/e-mail address, but the friend’s real e-mail/phone number/name would show at the bottom, she never knew this would happen. I would also get strange messages by people online I’m sure were her. She would use names very similar to hers. I was always getting trolled and called a s*ut on my pictures by people who talked how she did, with names similar to hers. Sometimes she as herself would argue back with them saying “Stop talking to my friend like that!” Then ask me in person if I saw her defending me online. Lol She would even remember the names of the strange people trolling me when I wouldn’t even remember. One day in person, I said I have two new trolls now, and she automatically knew their names, both of which had the same/similar initials/names as her name. She also made an anonymous Twitter account to trash talk her family and friends. She used a fake name and told my sister what name she used. It was a name with her real initials. Just like the trolls on my account.

We would write some very messed up things to each other, she would write that she’s getting ready to cut herself with her razor blade, and I would write that I’m getting ready to drink bleach. We were messed up lol I admit it gives me a good laugh thinking back 😂

We had a falling out in the end and stopped communicating for good. I sent her the most vicious insults I possibly could come up with, drawing on her deepest insecurities and worst fears, including that her husband was going to leave her for a more beautiful woman (this was her biggest fear of all, she was obsessed with it, she told me she couldn’t stand summer because all the women were out in revealing clothes and she knew he saw).

I said something like get off your @$$ once in a while and take a walk to somewhere other than the fridge (she frequently complained that all she did was sit on her sofa all day and eat and get bigger and bigger)…and a bunch of other toxic stuff, it was mostly just regurgitation of her own criticism of herself. It’s a vicious thing for a woman to take another woman’s insecurities that she shares with her and throw it in her face later. This was very uncharacteristic of me and not something I have ever done again. We tried to drag each other down as low as we could take each other. And maybe one of us won. Maybe one of us was lower in the end than the other. Maybe one of us was sitting around lonely and depressed feeling like a loser who who has no real friends, a loser who always gets excluded because of being unworthy of sisterly love, and maybe one of us was sitting around self loathing feeling like an ugly hag whose husband is going to leave for another woman, a more beautiful woman. And maybe today, there are remnants of those insecurities lingering about, hovering in the distant corners of our minds, tucked away, just waiting to resurface at any given moment. Yay us, we succeeded. And what did we accomplish? What did that make us? A wonderful amazing person because one of us made the other feel like an unworthy friendless, loveless loser and one of us made the other feel like a hideous slob?

A rat is a rat is a rat.

I only did all this because of what she did first. But there is no justification. A better person wouldn’t have done what I did. A more evolved person would have proacted, would have communicated or distanced and set healthy boundaries, not reacted by sinking even lower. I held the philosophy “When she goes low, I go lower.” An emotionally healthy, emotionally intelligent, mature, well rounded, honest person would not have done that. A true safe person would have been true and safe even in that situation, not allow someone else’s actions to influence who they choose to be. My youth contributed but was no justification. Today, I am not that girl. Since then, I have had other friends who have done similar things to me, and I had the chance to react like I did back then. But I chose not to.

All the years of resentment that were building up all along that I kept bottled up exploded and overflowed. A while later she came back and tried to get back in touch, but I ignored her.

After cutting her off for good, my mental health became so much better. While it was going on, I did not realize the extent to which it was affecting me having her in my world, not just what she was doing but my reaction to it. It was unhealthy me pretending to be something I’m not, trying to always make her jealous, trying to always put on a show for her. The whole thing was just toxic. I began having less depressed moods and became happier overall after ending contact with her. She convinced most of our mutual friends to unfriend me also.

Every once in a while through the years, even now, something happens that really seems like her. Someone tries to hack my accounts or sends me weird messages. Stranger women who I can tell are fake write to me on all my pictures and stuff and friend request me. They’re all the same kind of women, conventionally beautiful, dress in revealing clothing, don’t have many FB friends or much content. I just have a sense that it’s her, using photos of other people, and know she did do stuff like that before. I’m surprised that she’s still playing games at nearly forty years old and with kids of her own now.

I think she really did love me, but her jealousy and mental health problems got in the way. I was only like that because of how she was to me first, but I think I was even more fake than her. I couldn’t stand her, just wanted the image of that friendship. I was even fake sometimes with other people if I knew she was watching, just so she would be impressed or whatever. I think she really wanted me as a friend but did not know how to show it. I was 20 something years old back then, still old enough to know better, but my youth influenced me to act that way.

It’s definitely not something I would do again. I could not imagine having that toxic relationship now or being that toxic to others and myself. Ten years of that nonsense. Wasn’t worth it. I’m embarrassed about how I acted.

I no longer have resentment for her and hope she’s doing well in life, but I wouldn’t be her friend again or respond if she ever messaged me. It was never a genuine friendship. It was built on insecurity and fakeness and neediness and clinginess. It wasn’t a friendship gone wrong but never one at all. Even if we are both all grown up now and much more mature and would never do that again, I have no interest in her. I just think that all is better left in the past.

The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.

I hope you are having a beautiful day or night wherever in the world you are!

Xoxo Kim 💕

Loving Lisbeth ♥️ {a poem written by me – dark love poetry}

This is my own photo I created to go with the poem I wrote, below. 🖤

This poem is called Loving Lisbeth.

Loving Lisbeth

Night falls
And the echoes begin again
Somewhere beneath a shimmery moon
As the city lights dance
In the night
I hear them
Bouncing off
The shadows
That cling
To the skyscrapers
Under the inky depths
Of the night sky
Echoes of a voice
I used to know
And unrequited love
That still burns
In a heart
That can’t let go

I remember her so long ago
Calling out to the skyline
As we looked up
At the imposing structures
We both have always loved so much
As they dwarfed us
Until we were as small as the ants
Scurrying about in the cracks of the
Pavements
Beneath our shoes

Calling
As if they were some kind
Of saviors
Come to rescue her
Scooping her up
Into their concrete arms
And cradling her
Like a newborn
Safe in the shelter
Of her mother’s loving embrace

There was some kind of
Comfort there
Some kind of reassurance
In the familiarity of the same
Buildings
Night after night
Some kind of comfort
In the repetition
Of the mirrored windows
Lighting up the night

In feeling so small
Against the large constructs
That held us in their presence
As they stood so firmly
Smugly
In purpose
Looking down at us
As if their mission was
Always accomplished
With ease
Without fail

She called up to them

But there was no answer
There was never an answer
Just her own voice
Echoing through the city
In the still of the night
Under a darkened sky
Resembling the murky waters
Of an abandoned and forgotten lake
In some desolate remote place
No one knows exists

I stand here now
Listening to the forlorn echoes
As they clash and yearn
Spewing out dark melodies
And symphonies
Like a twilight serenade
Gone awry

And somewhere
I hear her voice
Now, just a ghost of a whisper
Riding the gentle night air
Like music notes
Barely audible

But I know it’s hers

I call out to her
But there is no answer

I call again
And her name
Gets caught in my throat
And I choke
On the pain
Of yearning
For what used to be
But never really was

An apparition
Of some long ago
That exists
Only in the dark blur
Of my mind

I feel her somewhere out there
Somewhere deep into the bowels
Of the night
Somewhere in the midst of
The street lights and the city lights
And the night dwellers
Taking up residence on the lonely streets
And the subways and the park benches
Among a crowd of wandering strangers
With nowhere else to go
I scan every face I see
But none of them are hers
I call her name
But no one turns to look at me

I search and search

But I have yet to find her
I search the seemingly endless
City streets
Late into the night
Like a maze
That there is no way out of
I call
But she doesn’t call back

I run alone
Through the back alleys
And the dead end streets
The cobblestones
And empty parking lots
Peering through the darkened
Windows of the closed cafes
And restaurants and stores
The soles of my shoes
Pounding against the ground
As I run
And my heart
Pounds in my cranium
Thudding
Like a drum
Vibrating my eardrums

My breath, raspy
And shallow
As I yell out to the night air

I call
And search
Her name,
Tantalizing and tasting bittersweet
Upon my lips
Like droplets of white wine lingering about

I frantically turn in every direction
Searching every corner
In a desperate

panicked haze
As I yell her name
As if my life depends on it
As if her name were a lifeboat
Needed to save me
Carrying me out of dismal swamp
Back onto land
Where I stand
Looking up at those skyscrapers
Under a black sky
Calling
Calling her name

But the only sound I hear
Is my own name
Calling back to me

🖤

I hope you are having a great morning or night or day wherever in the world you are!! ♥️

Have any of your own poetry or poetry blog? You’re welcome to share in the comments!

Xoxo Kim ❤️

Pawprints on my heart ❤️🐾

Furever ♥️🐾

This is my FB post earlier. Edited for this blog post.

I can’t remember when you weren’t there
When I didn’t care
For anyone but you
I swear
We’ve been through everything there is
Can’t imagine anything we’ve missed
Can’t imagine anything the two of us can’t do
Through the years, you’ve never let me down
You’ve turned my life around
The sweetest days I’ve found,
I’ve found with you
Through the years, I’ve never been afraid
I’ve loved the life we’ve made
And I’m so glad I stayed
Right here with you
Through the years ♥

Look at that happy face!! I got to see and kiss that face day after day, year after year for so long. ♥️ This is us in March 2020 when he was around 13 years old and still going strong. Today at sixteen years old, we said our last goodbye. I held onto him, and he held onto me with his legs and rested his head against me as I told him I love him and always will. I never knew such pain or how my body was strong enough to endure. (Actually I have because I have lost many before, but each one is new and unique/challenging in its own way, and this is one of the more challenging ones, I have a few like that, who make it especially painful to say goodbye, they are equally sad at the core, and I love them equally no matter how long I have known them, but various aspects/layers/factors/nuances just make some more difficult). I am so so honored and thankful I got to know and love him and for as long as I did.

My furever love 🐾♥️💔♥️🐾

I’m sending all my love to his family who were kind enough to let me be part of their family as his nanny, all those years, and to let him have his last walk ever on Earth, with me.

We also met a kind stranger recently with his dog experiencing the same situation soon who loved him and said unfortunately we all have to cross the rainbow bridge at some point. I found it comforting how he expressed sadness but also acceptance, it’s just the way it is but still so heartbreaking. We saw him again today in our park. ♥️

This is our last goodbye picture this morning. I held him during his last hour. I’m honored that his family let me.

🐾❤️

I have been disoriented with grief and keep rereading this checking for grammar/spelling/autocorrect errors, but just can’t seem to register anything, so not sure if it’s full of mistakes or anything.

This is the worst pain I ever experienced in this life. I know it’s going to heal even though it won’t go away, heal to where it won’t constantly be this heavy anymore and will eventually become more mellow and not constantly throbbing, the worst of it will come in waves and creep up on occasion then go back to the more mellow bearable kind (I know because I have loved and lost many through the years). But at this moment, I cannot imagine ever getting to that point as this pain now is all encompassing every second, throbbing relentlessly. I have never experienced grief or pain of any kind worse than this. Nothing has ever weighed more heavy on my body. I cannot even stand up straight.

I lost not just my boy, but our whole everyday routine, all the places and routines that were just “ours,” and that part of this life of mine is over. I can never walk those streets again without a bittersweetness. Our park that was just “ours” will bring me pain along with joy.

But I am so so thankful for our years together and love we shared. ♥️🐾

♥️🐾

This experience isn’t something I am experiencing as bad or negative, just neutral, just part of living. But it’s so so so painful.

Sending love to all who are in pain of any kind ♥️

Xoxo Kim

I’ll think of Summer days again…and dream of you ♥️💔♥️🐾☀️

♥️

“Trees swayin’ in the summer breeze
Showin’ off their silver leaves
As we walked by
… Soft kisses on a summer’s day
Laughing all our cares away
Just you and I
… Sweet sleepy warmth of summer nights
Gazing at the distant lights
In the starry sky
… They say that all good things must end someday
Autumn leaves must fall
But don’t you know
That it hurts me so
To say goodbye to you
… Wish you didn’t have to go
No, no, no, no,
And when the rain
Beats against my window pane
I’ll think of summer days again
And dream of you” 💔♥️💔♥️

This is the cutest thing. 😍

Tomorrow morning we say our last goodbye to our sweet boy. 💔♥️ He is sixteen years old and has been declining for a while now. We were sitting in the park together that we have walked for many years night and morning, through all the changing seasons. I was holding him against me with my head resting on his, never wanting to let him go. I looked down and saw his little legs resting here on my coffee cup and found it adorable. 🥰♥️ I’m so glad I got the opportunity to have this picture. My whole body is so heavy with grief, and every inch of it is throbbing in physical pain, head to toe, I never felt grief so physically like this. I can hardly stand and am like a zombie and disoriented for much of the days. I don’t even know or care what’s going on around me. Gutted is the word that keeps coming to mind. But I felt the love and joy sitting here together in the gentle Spring breeze in our favorite park. ♥️🐾 And I know he felt it too.

I love you my baby, furever and for always, xoxo 😘

Sending love…

Xoxo Kim ♥️

Saying goodbye to a furever friend ♥️💔🐾

This is my FB post a few days ago. I am gutted. This is absolutely the most painful experience, and I have been struggling so hard. I’m dying inside. I know it’s just the way it has to be. They don’t live forever. But the pain is overwhelming and shattering.

(Picture is a throwback to May 2020 – he is not much of a kisser, but this is a capture of a rare kiss! 🥰)

“This is the time to remember
Because it will not last forever
These are the days to hold onto
’cause we won’t
Although we’ll want to
This is the time
The time is gonna change
I know we got to move somehow
But I don’t want to lose you now” ♥️

My baby, I love you, furever & for always. Best friends for seven years. Never a day apart.

All our mornings spent in Schuylkill River Park, sipping iced lattes in the grass, and our evening walks along the Schuylkill River Trail under the moonlight, watching the city lights twinkle on the river, sometimes listening to Oldies as we walked, then stopping by Fitler Square on the way home, seeing all the holiday displays all Fall & Winter, stopping at Bacchus Market for a free treat (he took me there every morning when I first met him because he knew they gave free treats to dogs who stopped in, I never knew that!), walking all the way to Rittenhouse Square, stopping in the garden to smell all the flowers, getting caught in the rain, running through the Winter snow together, basking in the Summer sunshine, rolling around in the Fall leaves, watching all the Spring flowers blooming around us, sitting on the steps together in the warm evening air watching all the other humans and doggies walk by, stopping to chat with strangers, getting endless compliments on all the cuteness, always getting asked “Is that a fox??”, making me run around the kitchen table to get his leash on because he loved to play games (this annoyed everyone who walked him 😆), running around Rite Aid parking lot all those years before it closed up, sneaking onto the grass that we weren’t allowed (because he insisted, and who can say no to foxface?), trying not to get caught….all the side streets and routines that were just “ours.” Listening to the clapping and the cheering every night at 7:00pm, all those days when the streets were desolate and the city was like a ghosttown or going up in flames, and the world was falling to pieces around us and everything was uncertain, human friends and other animal friends coming & going. But there was my one constant, by my side, little paws tapping on the ground beside me all the way, never ever leaving. Day after day, year after year.

I will never forget.

Saying goodbye is the absolute worst. The most difficult thing in life. It’s pain that is unmatched. It takes my breath away and threatens to bring me to the floor or ground wherever I’m standing. 💔♥️ It’s heavy. One of the heaviest things I have ever had to carry. It’s an impending loss I can’t bear to fathom. I am gutted.

I’m honored I got to be his nanny for seven years and have his love and that his family invited me to come and say goodbye on his last day next week because they know the love we shared for so many years. They know I’m grieving with them. His mom said she feels less alone knowing that.

He was always one of the “special” ones. Any humans who have loved and lost many pets through the years will probably know what that means. We love them all, and all the losses are shattering, but just once or once in a blue moon, a special one comes along who it’s even more difficult to say goodbye to. A furry soulmate. ♥️

As someone who has always had multiple pets of my own and has worked with ones for seven years who I love wholeheartedly as my own, this pain isn’t new. It’s the same old pain. But each loss is different and challenging in its own unique way, and this is definitely one of the more difficult ones. Each experience with grief or any experience has various aspects and layers, and for whatever reason some losses can be more painful. And this one seems unbearable.

“I can’t remember when you weren’t there
When I didn’t care
For anyone but you
I swear
We’ve been through everything there is
Can’t imagine anything we’ve missed
Can’t imagine anything the two of us can’t do
Through the years, you’ve never let me down
You’ve turned my life around
The sweetest days I’ve found,
I’ve found with you
Through the years, I’ve never been afraid
I’ve loved the life we’ve made
And I’m so glad I stayed
Right here with you
Through the years” ♥️

I love you my baby. I always will. I can’t remember life before you and can’t bear to imagine it without you. ♥️💔

Sending love to all in need.

Xoxo Kim

Just received the BEST news!! 💚😁😁😁

Pretty in pink 💕

For if we give our very best, I know that we will more than pass the test…

(This post was meant for Monday, and I got super busy with work and never posted)

Omg, omg, omg!!! (dramatic, right? 🤣)

I just received the BEST news ever today!!! I’m over the moon!! I can’t help but share!!! I’m celebrating every victory along the way, everything that goes right, everything that gives me any glimmer of hope. And any obstacle or hiccup along the way, I will meet with positivity and hope.

I submitted my application, did some interviews and exams, and I was just accepted into the University of Pennsylvania…………..😆
.
.
.
.
Kidney Transplant Center program here in Philadelphia to begin further testing to become a living kidney donor to a random stranger!! Ahhh!! 🫘💚 (Lol I never had the grades to be a college student at PENN University 😆 I don’t have the brains, but I do have the kidneys 🤣) It’s something I always wanted to do and am now finally getting around to it. So so many people are in need of a kidney, there is a severe shortage. Everyday SO many people are sick and dying of kidney failure where if just one healthy person steps up and gives, one less person would die/be sick. Imagine if you could literally pull a person out of hospice or stop them right before they have to go into it and give them their life back. Imagine if a person literally on their death bed was told, “nevermind, you have 20+ more years!” A healthy person can do that for someone with end stage kidney failure. There are people dying prematurely who don’t have to be. Living kidney donation can be an intimidating, expensive (we may need health insurance if we don’t already have it, take off work for testing and surgery) long process though so I see why more people don’t. We all help someone in our own ways and show compassion & kindness in a way that resonates with us that may not with others, and this so much resonates with me. If I am lucky enough to be healthy not only enough for myself but enough to share that health with another, I’m all in!

After some preliminary medical testing, they determined I’m healthy enough to begin more extensive medical and psychiatric testing at PENN kidney transplant center. A few days ago they weren’t sure if I would be allowed into the program because in 2007 I had emergency surgery to remove a stone that was obstructing my kidney. Usually when someone has kidney surgery they are not allowed to be a living kidney donor because of possible scarring on the kidney because of the surgery. This isn’t a health concern with two kidneys but could possibly be with just one. They were waiting for the kidney expert to get back to them. The kind of surgery I had, the surgical instrument doesn’t come into contact with the kidney itself. So the nephrologist said I’m in!! Yay!! I knew it deep inside that it would work out! I can feel the stars aligning in our favor. My perfect match is waiting for me! #holdonimcoming

They said if there is no match in Philadelphia, they will send my kidney on an airplane to the person! I never even been on an airplane! But in just a few short months my kidney could be! Makes me giggle lol I can choose someone specifically also who needs a kidney, pretty much whoever I want, just anyone needing a kidney (there are so many, they are not hard to find), and if we aren’t a match but I turn out to be healthy enough, I can donate my kidney to a different stranger, and the person I chose will get a kidney that is more suitable to them through my donation. It’s called a “voucher.” They’ll get the next available kidney that matches them. It usually happens within a few months after the living donor donates to someone else. So my one donation can get two people in need a kidney (one would be mine) who wouldn’t have one without it. This is the way I am going. I’m going to choose a very very sick person who cannot wait for a deceased donor (some people in need of a kidney can wait months to years before death while others cannot), give that person a “voucher” if we aren’t a match but I’m healthy, donate my kidney to a stranger somewhere else, and the currently dying person gets the next available kidney in the nick of time. I already have someone in mind if all goes well. I saw his plead for a kidney on a subway ad. He lives close to Philadelphia. I looked him up, and he doesn’t have much longer to live because his kidney function is so low. Single digits low. He was crying on the news saying it’s a race against time. If he gets a living donor kidney, doctors said he can live another 20+ years, which will be around the end of his natural lifespan if he wasn’t sick. He’s registered with the National Kidney Registry to receive a kidney, and I’m registered to give one (after all my testing). He’s 70 something years old and has a lot more living to do.

Just one obstacle potentially holding up the process is I need health insurance in case they find any serious medical problem during my testing that doesn’t show up on the basic health test I just did or on the off chance I suffer a complication during/just after surgery to remove my kidney, they require health insurance just in case, I got rid of my health insurance years ago because it was expensive and not currently needed. The potential recipient’s health insurance will pay for my surgery because it’s their treatment, but it won’t pay for anything that may go wrong with me because of the surgery because I’m not their patient, and that’s on me! Health insurance can be an expensive, confusing, complicated, lengthy process that can hold up the testing process. But I’m determined! I am currently working on it now, already had a few phone calls and all seems to be going smoothly. I will do WHATEVER it takes to get someone off that wait list/dialysis and add 20+ years to their life, giving them the health that I have. #whateverittakes

I’m in this for the long haul.

Just a little bit of money, little bit of blood and urine, and I can save someone’s whole life! Just a small portion of my body can give someone a whole entire life. It warms me all over just thinking that.

If all goes well, in six months, someone will be getting The Call. The call that says 20+ years are suddenly added to their life and out of the blue they can get off/won’t have to begin dialysis. And in our case, someone doesn’t have to die because I’m a LIVING donor!! WIN-WIN!

My kidney will give them an almost completely normal life with no more sickness or fatigue or pain or dialysis. And I will be just as healthy as I am now with only a few lifelong restrictions (no activity where I can get hit in the back {certain sports} and no Advil/aspirin, and that’s about it) It will take me two-three months to recover before I can go back to work.

I just couldn’t resist sharing my amazing news! I still have to do extensive medical and psychiatric testing. This just means I have been accepted into their program for further evaluation to see if I’m qualified, not actually accepted to donate a kidney just yet. We have a ways to go still for that. But I am qualified to be accepted for further evaluation, I have to pass lots more tests.

They already know I’m not diabetic, no thyroid issues or anything lacking or anything, nothing excessive, and don’t have organ failure of any kind. But they have to check for every kind of common cancer and any abnormalities inside n out of my body. I will be scanned head to toe inside and out! They will also have to take my blood and tissue and find out who it’s a match for.

They also have to do intense psychiatric evaluation, making sure I’m emotionally stable, that I have a valid reason for wanting to donate a kidney (not feeling pressured by anyone or trying to make up for some mistake or something or not hearing voices telling me to give my kidney away lol), that I have appropriate life circumstances, support network, finances, diet…all that good stuff!

Wish us luck!! #wegotthis

I did some light research to see why we have two kidneys but can live being just as healthy and long with one. I think it’s not really known why but believed to be that we have two in case there’s an accident or something and one gets damaged. When one stops working or is no longer present, the other does the work for both, no problem. I know firsthand as my right kidney, unknowingly at first, suddenly stopped working in 2007, and the left one picked up the slack. (There was a stone stuck in it blocking the ureter so no urine could go through to get filtered). It began working again after emergency surgery under general anesthesia.

I can’t wait til my perfect match gets THE CALL! 💚💚💚 It warms my heart and fills me with joy!

(Also, I was called “young & healthy,” and that made my day! 😁)

#onesenough
#endthewaitlist
#everyoneisfamily
#donatelife

Sending love and light and hugs to all in need/all who desire ❤️ And wishing you a beautiful day or night wherever in the world you are

Xoxo Kim ❤️ 💋😘

Elevator phobe 🖤 {heads up:⚠️ there’s a picture of my cut finger in this post}

Content warning ⚠️: phobia

Click link to watch video if desired- it will show up

This video f’d me up lol Most horrifying thing I have seen. I literally felt like the very very beginning of a panic att*ck coming on, had to take some deep breaths lol 😆 Felt like my chest caving in

A man got stuck in n elevator at like the 39th floor in the middle of the night on a Friday and wasn’t found til Sunday.

I thought this was going to trigger a relapse in me just hearing that true story 😂

Also, I was where this girl was at one point. She runs up and down 17 flights of stairs to avoid elevators. I totally understand. I did that for years, even running up/down twenty floors. But I overcame it with exposure therapy some years ago. I’m so glad. That fear was crippling.

I got cut yesterday on a doorknob in an apartment building I visit for work. My claustrophobia was acting up (I struggled with debilitating claustrophobia for as long as I can remember, conquered it with exposure therapy a few years ago, it’s generally dormant, but every once in a while, I have a minor flare (this is different than a relapse which happened once), particularly if I’m dehydrated {I’m very physically active seven days a week and can get dehydrated easily, though I’m working on this – dehydration in me can trigger anxiety physical feelings, racing heart, anxious feelings, jitters…that aren’t about any specific thing, and that general anxiety can latch onto a certain thing or thought, and sometimes manifests as my claustrophobia even though it’s not originally that, yeah it’s weird lol If I have an anxious feeling for no reason just like if I have a depressed feeling not about anything in particular, it can search for something to latch onto and become about that then get carried away with it}).

I wasn’t going to go into a panic or anything but could tell I would be a bit anxious on an elevator. I just wasn’t up for it. Even on my best days having to get into an elevator takes a little bit of emotional energy out of me. It’s not destructive to my mental health because it doesn’t happen often enough and is only a little bit. I have no problem at all in general getting into elevators. But usually I do have to psych myself up for getting into one. If I’m tired (which isn’t often) or just not in a very good mood, it may be better for me to avoid elevators if possible (not always possible as I frequently have to get into them for work, and not all buildings have stair access going up or some are on like the 40th or 60th floor, I’m very physically fit but don’t think even I can run up 40 floors 😆) because I can’t give it my all like when I’m my best self. This just takes emotional energy I may not have that moment and makes me more susceptible to relapse. My claustrophobia will likely never be cured, just dormant. But that’s no problem at all, it’s enough for me to be able to function well. It used to be crippling.

Because my claustrophobia was flaring, I decided to take the stairs. I stepped through the door leading to the stairs, and it closed (I remember hoping it did not lock). I looked around, and there were no stairs to be seen, just a room with a bunch of closed doors. My first thought was uh oh, what if they’re all locked, but I did not actually believe it, thought it was just my claustrophobia talking. But sure enough. None of them would open. So I reached for the handle to open the door I just came through, and the handle broke off. I frantically grabbed the broken part still on the door and pulled. It stayed closed and sliced my hand in multiple places, especially the finger here. I tried putting the handle back on and pulling it open, but it came off again. So there I was locked in a room, the room I decided to go in to get to the stairs because my claustrophobia was acting up, and I wasn’t exactly in the headspace for being enclosed somewhere. Isn’t it ironic? Lol And my phone was almost drained.

I did not go into a panic even though I was locked in. I still remained calm and decided to try the doors again thinking if I can’t get out, I’ll just call someone and explain. I got one open that led to the stairs. To come back down, I had to get into the elevator anyway because the stairs would just lead right back to that room lol

These are my FB posts earlier. Just sharing here lol I had a battle with this building again this morning 😹

Sending love & hugs to all who want it!

Xoxo Kim ❤️

Prettiest cop on the block {throwback to that time I was in love with a police officer ❤️}

I’m the prettiest cop on the block
I set your souls on fire

Alice Cooper – Prettiest Cop On The Block –

This post here is a bit like this (in link below) but not anywhere near as long or deep. Both about my experiences with unrequited love. The true story in the link is grueling and took me six months to write.

https://inspirationalgem.wordpress.com/2022/12/31/the-agony-the-ecstasy-my-true-story-of-love-rejection-heartbreak-healing-%e2%99%a5%ef%b8%8f%f0%9f%92%94%e2%99%a5%ef%b8%8f-loonngg-post/?preview=true

Fun and random fact about me that no one else in the world knows. But now you do!

When I was 17/18 years old (around twenty years ago) I was in love with a police officer.

She made me so happy. She had the most beautiful face, hair, smile, personality, everything. I was mesmerized. It was joy and giddiness and ecstasy, just seeing her across a street, after a while it turned to a deeper feeling but still ecstatic and uplifting and joyful. It never quite turned to “the one” or “love of my life” status that I can remember like I have felt for some women, but was possibly getting to that point. It was definitely love. She was always on my mind even when we weren’t around each other. Usually though, when I’m in love with a woman, it happens much faster than a year that I think of her as my one or love of my life. And I don’t mean “falling” in love. I can actually have a feeling of *being* “in love” with a woman and want her as my person for life. For me, it happens quickly, usually. In this case with the police officer, I was totally smitten, but it wasn’t to that point yet even a year later, if I remember correctly. I don’t think she would have ever been one of “my ones.” Lol But I was totally in love, just not as in love as I can be. If I were a normal gay woman and our circumstances were more compatible and she liked me back, it probably would have been a short term relationship of substance, more than a fling but not lifelong.

She was 40 something years old. We did not know each other well. Just saw each other around. Once in a while my friends and me would talk to her. She was sweet, and just seeing her brightened my day no matter what mood I was in. She told me happy birthday one day! I knew her since I was 14 years old and always liked her a lot, but at 17 years old I suddenly fell for her hard. I began to take special interest in her in a way I haven’t in the years before. I thought she was a hottie in her uniform (like really really aesthetically pleasing lol I could stare all day). I loved the way she moved in it. I loved the way her pants hugged her hips and the way her hips swayed as she walked. And I loved the g u n at her side. She was very curvy. And she was very confident, it could be seen in the way she carried herself. I loved her great butt, it was the kind Sir Mix-A-Lot sings of. 😍 I loved the way her thick black curly hair fell to her shoulders and the way she would laugh and joke with the other police officers on the corner. She was a Latina beauty. She had a very happy temperament, always cheerful and engaged with people. She was sweet and a bad@ss babe all in one. Her husband was/is (don’t know if they are still together but hopefully!!) a very lucky man. He got the whole package for real. Beauty inside and out, brains, confidence, compassion…One day she hurt her back at work, and she was definitely low in spirits for a few days. I would see her have to stop, lean over, and rub her own back. I remember aching for her and wanting to make it all better. I wanted to hug her and make her pain go away.

Her age never fazed me or the fact that she was heterosexual and happily married to a man with kids around my age. I wanted her lol She would talk about her “sweetheart” and her “honey” and “baby” who was her husband of many years. I wasn’t jealous. I wouldn’t have cared if she loved us both, even if he was her main one. I’m good at sharing. 😆 I prefer monogamy and being the favorite/main/primary but can handle “my person” not being monogamous and being a close second. Lol (This is not the same as a monogamous person settling for me because they can’t have who they really want, that I wouldn’t accept, but I don’t mind a special/queerplatonic friend putting their romantic relationship first or a polyam person having a primary partner who isn’t me and me as a close relationship that comes after, nuances matter, but overall, I don’t mind not being the absolute center of someone’s world, I would like it though lol) One day on Valentine’s Day I heard her telling other police officers she worked with “My honey gave me flowers this morning when I woke up!” And one day she was happily showing everyone her new necklace “from my sweetheart!” And “My baby made me breakfast for Mother’s Day then took me out!” It was cute. Lol I was so happy to hear something about her personal life. It uplifted me.

A year later at eighteen years old I was still in love. I “stalked” her for a year. I would see her going a certain way and walk that way too hoping to run into her. I would get all giddy upon seeing her and try to get her to notice me and think I’m pretty. I did not fully realize what I was doing. I just knew she was so pretty and sweet and funny and wanted her to feel the same about me. I thought I could impress her. I was way too shy to talk to her. Lol When she would casually talk to me, I would freeze up, smile, and look at the ground 😆

We saw each other one day in an unusual place, and she looked so happy and pointed at me saying “I know you!!” It made me so happy! Another day she was monitoring a school event and had to check our ID’s. When I got up to the police at the door, she said “She doesn’t have to show her ID, I know who she is.” I was honored. ❤️ Still makes me happy now that I was trusted.

One day I was thrilled beyond belief, over the moon, because some criminal did something, and her and another police officer (another pretty lady around the same age, a gorgeous blonde) came over to ask me if I saw anything. I did not (I did see her running after someone in the morning and was intrigued, I liked seeing her work in action). Lol But was happy to be the center of her focus for a few minutes. It made my day, I was giddy and bursting with joy for the rest of the day. I ran home and told my mom the police came to talk to me, I could hardly contain my joy. I wrote it on my online journal I had back then too. Lol I never mentioned the part that I was in love with one of them. The journal was kind of anonymous, the website required anonymity to a point, no contact info or anything, can’t remember the name of it, but I was still afraid to put too much detail about my love affair lol All my followers knew my first name and that I was a teenaged girl. I pretended to like boys on there, just to put it “out there” that I’m in fact normal. I was so happy to see the new police officer too. Every once in a while I found myself catching some kind of feels for her too when the feeling for the other would begin to mellow out a bit, when I like/love a woman and she doesn’t know or care that I exist and shows me no attention, my feels for her can come and go or fade and rekindle, and I can move onto another for a while. I only have the capacity to actively be into one at once though, even if I can tell I like them both. (I think real crushes can work like that too?) Sometimes focusing on that woman took the pain away about the other woman not really knowing I exist and me not knowing how or having the courage to approach her. One day with my friend, I decided to go ask them for directions just to have an excuse to talk to them. Lol Some of my girl friends liked the police officers too, but they liked the man ones. I pretended to like the men too so they would think I was normal. They themselves were not homophobes, but society in general was. I was happy the girls wanted to hang around the police because then I got to see her. I remember one of the girls was going to walk over to one of the men police officers she liked and say “Please cuff me officer,” but she chickened out. We were all laughing hysterically.

We had metal detectors at my high school. The school police were always there. But one day the women school police weren’t there, and she was there to search any of us who walked through when the metal detector would beep on us. Only women police officers were allowed to check the girls. If a woman wasn’t there and it beeped on a girl, they had to let us go anyway without checking. That day they got her to search us.

For some reason it beeped on me. She had to search me. I was crushed. She waved the thing up and down me and patted me down. That has happened before with the school police, and I had no problem. But I felt like she did not trust me when she knew me (sort of), and I had these deep emotions for her. My adult mind understands now that those feelings couldn’t have ever been reciprocated, no way a 40 something year old is going to go for a teenager, to her I was just a typical high school girl, and she was simply doing her job. But back then, I was deeply wounded and couldn’t shake the feeling that someone I loved and had a thing for did not trust me. She was very compassionate and gentle, I still remember the tone of her voice when she said “I have to search you.” It was a deeply apologetic tone. There’s no way she could have known I loved her, but she probably knew a teenaged girl doesn’t want to have to get searched going into school. She did affectionately tell me before she can tell I’m a good girl. I was flattered.

I never saw her out of uniform in the four years I have known her. Then one day I saw her in a dressy shirt with flowers and was floored! It was the most amazing experience. It made me so thrilled and giddy. Lol Not just that she was beautiful but just seeing a personal aspect of her. I only ever mostly saw her professional side. She was very lighthearted and playful and kind. But other than that I did not know much about her, just enough to be in love.

I knew some of her political/moral views and some of her interests. She supported marriage equality and the death penalty. She was very family oriented, loved kids. She loved holidays, especially Halloween. She was against people suing people for d*mb things like ordering hot coffee and spilling it on themselves. One day it was in the news that a woman was suing a place for getting burned on coffee she ordered there. The police were talking about it the next morning, and she was yelling “You know coffee is hot!!”

I was going off to college soon (not leaving our city, just the location where I always saw the police officer) and was so deeply sad that I wouldn’t see her anymore. I stayed up all night long for hours the nights leading up to our last day seeing each other, trying to come up with a way to keep in touch with her. But we weren’t friends or even acquaintances. Girl hardly even knew I existed. I couldn’t exactly go up and say let’s keep in touch. Lol It wasn’t a context where that would be normal, and on top of that I’m super shy, especially back then. So even if she was an acquaintance, back then as a teenager, I probably wouldn’t have had the nerve. Probably wouldn’t even now lol

I knew the last day I would ever see her. I decided I would write my name and phone number on a piece of paper and walk up and hand it to her and let her know I always liked seeing her and was going to college and wouldn’t be around that way anymore. I fantasized over and over and over, how it would pan out. This fantasy also helped me cope with the pain and grief knowing our encounters were coming to an end. It gave me hope. But when the day came, I lost the nerve. I stopped halfway as I was walking to her, my heart pounding. I had the paper crumpled up in my sweaty palm and was frozen in place. I just stood there staring. She glanced at me for a second, and I lifted my arm to wave then dropped it again, too shy to go through with that too. I felt this empty dejected sinking feeling.

As an asexual/aromantic girl (with lesbian leanings) who had no idea what asexuality is, I did not know this was my version of a “crush.” I did not realize her being heterosexual and married would not be compatible with the kind of relationship I wanted with her (sure her husband wouldn’t have liked it much lol And a heterosexual woman likely can’t have the emotional/sensual inclination I can for other women, I wasn’t thinking of all this). I wanted a non sexual but sensual/emotional relationship with her, to hold hands, long hugs, be each other’s everything. I frequently fantasized about her, never sexually, all the things we would do together, sometimes the fantasies were sensual, imagining touching in non sexual ways. I imagined us strolling around, walking arm in arm, laughing, reading together, always being together and each other’s person. I was afraid the sensual fantasies/feelings made me gay and that I could be the target of homophobia if people knew, which terrified me, especially the thought of being ridiculed. Back then I wouldn’t have been able to handle people laughing at me and making jokes about me, and homophobia was still very rampant all over back then, still around now, but way worse back then. People were openly homophobic with no consequences, even teachers I had. Gay jokes were mundane things with no one calling them out, people laughing at same gender kissing scenes on tv. I also felt my sensual daydreams did not make sense since I was identifying as “heterosexual.” I never liked men but since I don’t quite like women in the traditional way either and society told me I’m hetero, that’s the label I took on. So I tried to suppress the desire. Sometimes I imagined her crying and me consoling her with hugs and back rubs (had these fantasies about other women too). Years later I realized it was my excuse to imagine touching her without being gay about it. I can console women just to console also. But this was going out of my way daydreaming because I wanted the fantasy of touching a woman but still being hetero about it. 😆

I liked her in a way that was different than how I liked my regular platonic friends but not in the traditional romantic/sexual way (I somewhat recently learned this is called alterous attraction/love, not strictly platonic but not quite romantic or having aspects of both, I’m homoalterous). I had no idea what it was. I thought of it as wanting her as my “special friend.” I never had inclination for thinking of her as my girlfriend or wanting her as one. That word doesn’t resonate with me for me. I don’t ever see myself as having a girlfriend or being someone’s girlfriend but can totally imagine having “my person” for life. I hope for that someday. I don’t mind if she wants to call me her girlfriend and thinks of me that way, just not a word that resonates with me.

This is just one of many examples since I was a little girl of “crushing on”/being in love with other girls. It’s a recurring thing throughout life for me since elementary school age til now, that I fall for other women like this. Not regular platonic but not traditional romantic/sexual. As I did not understand my identity/sexual orientation (oriented asexuality) til a few years ago, this was always a curious thing, always feeling gay but then nahh. Lol

Unfortunately I could never act on it because I don’t know how. It’s hard enough for even regular gay women to meet other women to be compatible with like that but when asexuality is thrown in, it adds to the challenge. Everyone and their mom and grandmom and great grandmom wants the s*x at all ages. And being aromantic (with strong homoromantic leanings) I never had inclination for traditional dating, like asking a woman out. I just see women I’m madd about and want in this life of mine. So it’s definitely a complex situation.

Asexuality.org

I don’t remember what inspired me to remember this experience with the police officer. But here it is. 😁

It may give people an idea of what it’s like to be a lesbian (or whatever hetero/bi…) asexual woman. We don’t experience sexual (and in some cases not even romantic or fullblown romantic) attraction but doesn’t mean we can’t experience need/desire for emotional/physical closeness or life partnerships or companionship “beyond” ordinary platonic but not sexual/romantic either.

Asexual love, it’s like when you have a crush in elementary school before your sexual aspect develops, but for asexual people, that sexual aspect never does even as adults. This doesn’t mean no romance or no deep emotional feels or emotional investment/commitment.
Asexuality.org

http://asexuality.org/

I hope you are having a beautiful day or night wherever in the world you are! Wishing you lots of love!

Xoxo Kim 💗

Back at it! 💚😁 {Second attempt to give my kidney to a random stranger}

https://www.kidneyregistry.org/

https://www.nkdo.org/considering-kidney-donation/

You’ll never see exactly where the road will lead you
And when it comes to love
You gamble when you need to

https://youtu.be/xPZeg2bEBhY

The process has begun!!!

And I couldn’t be happier or more full of joy!

😁😁😁😁😁😁

So happy things are falling into place, and I’m finally trying again!! I’m thrilled!! Just to have this opportunity to at least try.

Shortly before the initial virus outbreak, I began the process of anonymous kidney donation to whoever is next on the waiting list here in Philadelphia or surrounding areas. I never received a follow up phone call or anything then the virus broke out, and everything changed. My financial/work circumstances in the last few years were no longer ideal for having kidney donation surgery if I’m found to be healthy enough. Now three years later, I’m trying again!! Back then I contacted a kidney transplant center directly. Now I’m going through the National Kidney Registry hoping to have better communication than with the last place. And I already do! I now have a mentor who is a living kidney donor herself who will be helping me throughout the process up to the surgery! She has already been SO helpful! I was in the middle of trying to figure out what lab tests I need done soon and was confused and out of nowhere, she texted me introducing herself as my living kidney donor mentor. I never even knew I have one! 😆 And I asked what tests I need done now, and she responded instantly! I just had an interview with her, and it went so well! My basic application for health history was accepted so I can move onto the next step!

I want to share my gift of health with someone in need. I’m going to be getting the initial medical test soon to be sure I’m basically healthy enough (heart, kidneys, thyroid, glucose, no infections…), then a more thorough battery of medical and psychiatric exams if my basic lab results come back perfect.

💚

If my lab tests are all clear, I’ll be choosing a hospital here in Philadelphia to have extensive medical testing on my whole body in and out and psychiatric testing to make sure I’m emotionally stable enough to handle the gruelling process of extensive medical testing, the possibility of finding out I could have serious health issues myself, and the potential of serious complications during and just after surgery, including death, and where I’ll be having kidney donation surgery if all goes well!! yay!!! They also want to make sure people wanting to donate a kidney are for the right reason (simply to help someone) and not feeling forced or anything associated with mental illness (because only a cray cray person can want our body cut open and a piece of it removed to help a total stranger, right?? 🤣).

The whole process beginning now will probably take around six months. So hopefully all goes well, and one of my kidneys will have a new home in six months giving someone else the gift of health and life that I am so lucky to have. It will not only prolong their life expectancy (possibly moving it to average or near average) but will significantly enhance the quality of their life, making it normal/near normal, enough energy, ability to work and travel, get off dialysis or prevent it, which is hell for people on it but if not, they die soon, they’ll get to do just about everything a healthy person can do with something as small and simple as my kidney!! Since I’m alive, my kidney would be expected to last in their body up to twenty years. If the person is already an older person, the kidney can carry them to their full lifespan. This is what I’m especially hoping for but really don’t mind how old the person is, it’s just good to think my kidney can last the rest of someone’s life instead of eventually having to be thrown in a biohazard can somewhere and being replaced by a new one. But that’s ok, it will help someone for however long it does! Even a few years is good! And even if it doesn’t work at all for some reason, at least I tried! That’s all that matters!

Kidney disease is so common, there are countless people out there on the wait list waiting for someone to die or care and donate while alive. Helping one of them is a true gift and feels like my “calling.”

Three (actually more like five I have been actively planning it and many more that I eventually knew I would try it) years later and still on my mind. So yeah, I think it’s something I must go through with! ❤️

The gift of health is better when shared with another! ♥️

I’m already very physically active and fit and full of energy myself, I have a mostly healthy diet especially recently when I cut out almost all sugar and sweets (even my beloved iced caramel lattes with extra liquid sugar and extra caramel syrup, that’s not easy! 😆), have fruits and veggies everyday, no alcohol, smoking or other drugs, not on medication for anything physical or psychiatric, no serious life problems, live at home with family who will help me after the surgery…I do have a couple things that aren’t the best like no health insurance myself. The health insurance of my potential recipient will pay for all my medical/psychiatric exams and my surgery because that’s all considered their treatment. But their insurance won’t pay for anything I need myself like if any complications arise during/after my own surgery. I also had emergency kidney surgery many years ago, but the kidney and me made a full recovery. This probably doesn’t look the best to the kidney donation team. But we’ll see!

This has been my dream for many years since I was young and read a true heartwarming story about a man who donated his kidney to a random stranger shortly after altruistic (or non directed) kidney donation became legal. It felt like home to me, my first feeling was “Oh, of course,” and I just knew it would be me one day giving my kidney to a stranger.

♥️♥️♥️💚💚💚♻️

#onesenough
#everyoneisfamily
#holdonimcoming
#wishmeluck
#endthewaitlist

I hope you’re having a beautiful day or night wherever in the world you are! Wishing you all the love & health!

Xoxo Kim 🤩

Shadows of Her 🖤 {poem I wrote}

AI & glitch artwork created by me to go with this poem 🖤

Standing here alone
In the shadows of a distant memory
That still burns in me
Like hot steel
Branding the flesh of my existence
Her name tattooed into my cells
I can’t escape her touch
Marked for life
The grief
Expands in me like an airbag in my chest
Til there is no more space
And I struggle for breath
My ribcage threatening to break
Under the pressure
Like a starshower
Crumbing out of the sky
Hot celestial pieces
Falling
Upon anything unlucky enough
To be in the way
Burning flesh
Setting fire to surface
Bringing everything to ruin

She’s always one heartbeat away
One step out of reach
I remember her hair
Falling to her shoulders
Blowing in the wind
As her tears fell softly
Like silent raindrops in the night
Her eyeliner running down her cheeks
Like mudtracks in pure white snow
Those tears that spoke a thousand words
Whispering into the night
A somber melody
Almost inaudible
But caressing
All the deepest depths of me

I carry her in my bones
a melancholy ache
accompanying my every step
Invisible like a phantom
in the night that lurks at my side
like a distorted shadow supposed to be mine
But isn’t

I am consumed by the dark
Overshadowed by pain
Til there
Is almost no trace of what I was
Before her
Smothered in the aftermath
Of a hurricane
Washed away in the turmoil
With no anchor

I stand here in these shadows
Under the glow of the moon
My long hair blowing in the gentle
evening breeze
As my eyes search the night
For her
But she’s nowhere to be found

But I feel her in everything there is
The city lights remind me of the twinkle
in her eyes
As they lit up with everything she loved
The bookstores, the cafes, the buildings,
they speak her name as I walk by
Almost as if to taunt me with reminders of everything that will never be mine
Dreams that danced upon my pulse as it raced through me, promises of a life
that are now crumbled like flowers crushed beneath the soles of my shoes
But leaving tantalizing hints of their perfume
in every step I take

Our hearts beat in synch
I breathe her air
And her tears run down my cheeks with the gentle rain that kisses my skin
With its somber soft touch, tasting the salt as it covers my red lipsticked lips and caresses the tip of my tongue

I remember her bright hazel eyes smiling
Through thick rimmed glasses
As she spoke about the last novel she read
Full of heartache and love and redemption
I watched her hair fall over her glasses
As she absentmindedly brushed it back
I remember the way she came alive
Whenever it rained
And the city looked like a watercolor
Painting
A kaleidoscopic disarray
Of all the colors of the rainbow
The way her camera couldn’t capture
Enough pictures
And that joy lives in me somewhere
Like a bittersweet song
Playing in my bones
Running through my veins

And I am here now
In this other life
Where she doesn’t exist
Worlds apart
But somehow only
One chaotic breath away
Drowning in memories
Lifetimes away
Lost in the shadows
Of a love
That could never be

🖤

Anyone else want to share your own poetry? You’re welcome in the comments! Or share a link to your poetry blog. I especially love dark poetry or sci fi/futuristic, mysterious…but any kind is welcome!

I hope you are having a beautiful day or night wherever in the world you are!

Xoxo Kim ❤️