Honoring the present moment πŸŒΈ

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This is a beautiful blog and blog post by husband & wife, Marc & Angel. I love their wisdom. I recommend this blog post to all! I think it’s a reminder most of us can use now and again. πŸ’—πŸŒΈπŸ₯€βš˜πŸŒ±πŸŒ·πŸŒΌπŸŒ»πŸŒΊ


“Admitting the Hard Truth, and Embracing It

Where you are and what you’re doing at any given moment is absolutely essential.

Because it is the only moment guaranteed to you.

You are not on your way somewhere else.

You are not progressing to a more important time or place.

The present is not just a stepping-stone: It is the ultimate destination, and you have already arrived.

This moment is where your greatest power lies.

This moment is your life!

It might seem obvious, but, again, I forget.Β  And I know you do too.

All day, every day, many of us feel like the present isn’t enoughβ€”like our life isn’t worthy of our full presence.”

“What if we admitted that life is slipping away right now, and saw the fleeting time we have as enough, without needing to share it on social media or capture it or alter it in any way?”

This is true. I have found a balance of both, treasuring the present moment while also capturing its beauty to share with others. I take in the beauty and if it’s still there after basking in the presence of it, I take a pic. When I’m standing under a cherry 🌸 blossom tree and there’s a butterfly or sparrow on one of its branches, I first allow myself to be in the moment and if it’s all still the same a few moments later and I can get a picture, that’s amazing, and if not, that’s great too! But experiencing it, fully, is more important than getting a picture and interrupting the full presence. Sometimes I look out a window and see a beautiful scene with traffic and people and I have an urge to run and get my phone for a picture to capture it exactly as it is thwn before it changes but I know if I turn to get my phone, it won’t be the same when I get back, so I just stand and accept the beauty as it is in that fleeting moment without a picture.

One Hard Thing You Must Admit Before Your Life Slips Away by Marc & Angel

I hope you are having a beautiful day or night wherever in the world you are! πŸ’—

Xoxo Kim

Clowns 🀑

Clowns 🀑 – Too Much Joy – song

“I have nightmares filled with clowns and you’re there too

You have a big red nose and stupid floppy shoes

You’re becoming one I can see the signs” 🀑

Trigger Warning ⚠️: Phobias mentioned here

Fun fact: Last night, I had a dream about coulrophobia. So I decided to turn myself into a clown. Lol

In the dream, I was watching a movie about a young man with coulrophobia(fear of clowns). I don’t remember what his job was in my dream but whatever it was, his coulrophobia was interfering with his quality of work. For something to do with his job, he had to see a clown 🀑 or something if I remember correctly. His job was not actually about clowns though. It was something he usually did not have to encounter but it just happened that he had to cross paths with a clown now at work, just a coincidence. Maybe he had to visit someone’s house for work where they had a clown figure or photo? I don’t really remember much about that but whatever it was, his quality of work was greatly suffering and his boss was angry. He ordered him to be treated with exposure therapy, a form of treatment often used to treat phobias. The young man was having emotional difficulty with the exposure. He had to walk alone into a dark room in an old warehouse or factory or something like that, at night, full of life sized clown mannequins so he can get used to them and no longer be afraid. He couldn’t handle it.

In the movie in my head, his boss called him and was angrily telling him to get his shit together and stop acting like a coward and get on with it because he had work to get done. He was tired of his “nonsense.” I can still hear his voice dripping with arrogance, disdain, indifference to someone else’s suffering.

The movie in my dream was about how people who were murderers, dressed as clowns just like the clown mannequins used for his exposure, and creeped into the building and stood in the room next to the fake ones so they could eventually jump out at him during his exposure treatment. Lol It wasn’t part of the therapy and his boss wasn’t in on it. They were just psychos who somehow knew about it. They were strangers.

In my dream, I somehow got into the movie. Like it somehow turned real. But this wasn’t strange in my dream like it would have been for real. Like in reality we would be amazed, shocked, or confused if we somehow got into a movie or a movie turned real. But in my dream it was just a casual thing. The movie was all of a sudden not a movie and was real life and I was in it. I was walking into the dark room with the clowns. I knew the killers were in there since I just was watching the movie and wasn’t sure if they would lunge for me or not. But I had something to do in that room. I don’t remember what or even if I knew in the dream but I wasn’t sure if I should keep going and fulfill my obligation or turn around and leave since the killers were in there. The young man wasn’t there and I knew he would be coming soon. I think whatever I had to do was for my own job. This is realistic of me to still consider doing something that needs to be done even if it may be dangerous to me. I work with dogs and sometimes they can be aggressive. There are occasions I still considered interacting with them even when they clearly wanted to rip me to shreds. Lol And occasions I had to still feed and give them water while they were coming at me because a dog has to eat. Lol So this part of my dream makes perfect sense.

I wasn’t scared in the dream but a bit anxious and my body was tense like it was deciding it maybe should run. Then I saw some of the clowns moving and a vague thought crossed my mind like is this real or is it part of a movie I was just watching. It was like reality (the dream’s reality) and the movie blended.

So I wasn’t sure what would happen. Are they going to get me or ignore me? I had a feeling like they weren’t going to try to kill me. This is how I am for real in general, very trusting and always expecting the least bad thing to happen. I generally have this feeling like everything will work out well. I am not very anxious. I have suffered a couple bouts with anxiety but am generally not someone who is anxious. So I wasn’t extremely concerned for myself.

This feeling like this is real but also not is difficult to explain but in the dream it made sense. It was like a blend of something. Like sort of real, sort of not. I think this is common in dreams.

I think I decided not to walk into the room just in case the clowns tried to kill me. Better safe than sorry. Lol I remember walking away with this feeling of being very safe.

Then I woke up. Lol Intrigued by the dream. I don’t know what provoked that vivid and detailed dream or if there is really a movie like this but if there is one, I haven’t seen it. My head just made it up.

I had exposure therapy myself in reality, a few years ago, for debilitating claustrophobia. It began as professional treatment but I quit and handled it on my own, continuing exposure on my own terms. My claustrophobia was interfering with life because I have to get on elevators for work. There is no option sometimes to use the stairs and my claustrophobia was taking over everyday even when I did not have to get on elevators that day because I knew I would soon have to get inside them. In my dream, I sort of remembered my real life exposure therapy and how it was absolutely frightening at first and I experienced empathy and compassion for the young man. It’s like cruelty, irony, the thing we fear most in life is the very thing we must come face to face with alone, to get better.

I used to avoid elevators at all costs. I used to run up 20 or more things of stairs just to avoid them. This wasn’t a problem because I am very healthy and fit and energetic, always have been. But in college I had to get to buildings early to be able to run up 20 or more floors without being late for classes.

Sometimes that isn’t an option and stairs are blocked off. Some years ago, my claustrophobia triggered suicidal depression in me to the point I couldn’t even hold my toothbrush to brush my teeth in the mornings. I couldn’t handle knowing on any random day I may have to go into an elevator and that triggered a depressive episode that became no longer about that; the depression took on a life of its own. So I was struggling with a severe depressive episode on top of a bad, bad case of claustrophobia.

I grew up claustrophobic for an unknown reason. I have been for as long as I can remember, mostly about elevators. But it was rarely a problem because I rarely had any reason to have to get into them. So it may not have been able to be diagnosed as claustrophobia back then. Sometimes I had to avoid visiting people in hospitals because I couldn’t get into an elevator to the hospital room. On the occasions I did force myself, I would have some psychiatric breakdown. I have collapsed in crippling panic and have embarrassed family in front of strangers at the mere thought of getting into an elevator. Now I think it’s hilarious, especially embarrassing my mom and dad. One day when I was little we were all on a glass elevator with a stranger and I began to panic. I screamed at the top of my lungs and began kicking and flailing my arms and yelling let me out, let me out, let me out….just to go up two floors. The stranger turned and just stared in shock. My mom and dad were so embarrassed. ” My mom yelled, “Kim, you did NOT have to act like that!!!” It gives me a good belly laugh now when I remember it. πŸ€£πŸ˜‚πŸ˜­πŸ˜„πŸ˜Ή I remember my body flooded with sweet relief when that door opened.

All these years later, if I wanted to keep my job, I had to get over it. And I did. Years of claustrophobia gone in just a few weeks of simple regular exposure. Exposure works wonders, at least for me. It made me realize how something so powerful and debilitating is actually very, very weak.

Whenever I had to step into an elevator, it felt like I was going to die. My mouth dried up and always tasted like metal, like literally tasting fear. My entire body felt squeezed in the chokehold of death. The fear is so powerful it feels like I would *literally* go insane, like lose all sense of language and awareness and bodily movements. I felt like I could claw out my own eyes and claw off my own skin. And one day I actually did claw my own skin off when I was in an elevator alone as a teenager. There was no way out of the building unless I got into an elevator. I went into a panic and just mindlessly began ripping my skin off with my fingernails. Everything turned white like this blinding light around my head. I couldn’t see or think. All I could do was claw at my own body, my arms and ab, all bleeding when I finally stepped out of the elevator.

Welcome to my nightmare. πŸ–€

(almost had a cow when I saw this a couple years ago 😳 🀣 Just sitting there, doors wide open as if to tempt me; it felt like it was watching me, daring me. Lol It’s an old out of service elevator in a building I visit for work. It hasn’t been in use for some years and is in a strange place, not near the rest of the elevators and looks all old and dingy while the rest are newer looking and its doors are ALWAYS closed. But one day, I walk by and the doors are open! Holy guacamole! My heart nearly leapt out of my chest. Luckily my claustrophobia was already healed by then but this thing made it want to come back 🀣😭😹 Some things you just can’t unsee)

It has always felt like an eternity before the doors opened again and a sense of deep, deep dread and despair & regret as I watched them close on me.

It’s a kind of fear that knocks the wind out of me and takes my whole breath away. I have been in awe at how powerful it is.

I had a relapse once after mostly recovering when it seemed like an elevator door took a second too long to open, when I was inside by myself. It came back with a vengeance. It was way worse than before. I got mostly rid of the claustrophobia on my own by getting into elevators with dogs and found it healing. Then it came back then the regular exposure on my own helped significantly.

Now even if a door seems to take longer to open, I don’t have breakdowns or relapses. I get into elevators everyday by myself with no problems at all and find them very peaceful. Like a very brief reprieve where the outside world and all its problems and noise and stress and drama can’t touch me.

I love how a place that once felt so dark and cold and deadly is now a place of warmth and security like being wrapped in a cozy blanket.

There are some random occasions, I am a bit anxious with elevators and avoid them or sometimes suck it up and get into them anyway. But it’s not frequent. And not severe. I know if I am already anxious about something else, something unrelated, and have to get into an elevator, it sometimes triggers the claustrophobia but it goes away again. I believe if I ever stop getting into elevators for a long while then I do again, the claustrophobia may come back. I have experienced this already. So I try to get into them as much as possible to keep it away. It’s a lifelong condition that has to be controlled with regular exposure or I will go insane with fear again.

I don’t know what is up with this dream. Lol But it reminds me a bit of my own real experience. Even the old, dark warehouse where the clowns were. My work office used to be in one. Lol

I am not afraid of clowns and never have been. This wasn’t a scary dream at all. It wasn’t a nightmare even though it may seem like it. I don’t usually have dark or scary dreams. They’re usually positive, happy, or mundane. Though I have been plagued off and on, for as long as I can remember, by nightmares about being inside elevators and being stuck in them, sometimes with people, usually alone. Or sometimes terrifying dreams knowing I will soon be getting into an elevator. Sometimes I wake myself up before it happens or I force myself awake after I get into one if I can. I still have them on rare occasions but almost never since the claustrophobia went away. They are horrifying dreams and just dreadful. I had them since I was little even when I did not have to get into elevators and haven’t been recently in one. My brain just obsessed with them for some reason. I don’t ever remember any unpleasant experience with elevators that made this happen, just grew up with it. My earliest memories are terror when near an elevator. Couldn’t even bring myself to look at them walking by. I used to curse whoever invented them. I felt like that person destroyed my life sometimes.

This dream is bizarre for me because I don’t usually have them like this and it seems a bit creative. I’m not someone who is a creative writer or anything. So I don’t know why my head made this up.

Very recently, like just over one week ago, I saw the word “heliophobia” and looked it up to see what it is(a fear of the sun or bright light) and while scrolling, the word “coulrophobia” showed up. I think this is what inspired the dream but don’t know why just seeing that word and a pic of a clown holding balloons would inspire a whole story in my head while I sleep. Lol It’s heliophobia I was was interested in, not the clown one.

And the dream was very, very vivid. I remember the clowns and their faces and their pastel colored pj’s and balloons.🎈 And I remember the young man very clearly but don’t remember ever seeing him for real in person. I read before that all faces we see in dreams are real faces we saw at one point in life, even if years ago. It doesn’t mean in the dream they were who they are in reality, just that the face is real. I don’t know if it’s true.

Horror movies are my guilty pleasure, which I think also contributed to the dream, and I think this would be a good movie! 😍

I hope you are having a beautiful day or night wherever you are!

Xoxo Kim πŸ’œ

Just breathe πŸ’™πŸ•‰

Mozart: Canzonetta Sull’aria – YouTube song 🎡

Relaxing songs list – website

How to use 4-7-8 breathing for anxiety – website

Diaphragmatic Breathing – Short youtube video to quickly learn how to breathe most effectively

(Content/possible trigger warning ⚠️: In part of this post, I briefly & lightly mention BDSM, a kink, where people, with consent, may be t**d up, usually in a s*xual context. It’s nothing graphic that I explain but just mentioning something to do with breathing that I learned in a fiction book about BDSM, that helps with meditation. But anyone who has experienced trauma may be triggered even by non graphic things, even by seeing certain words so I may block some things out with *** It’s important to face triggers but only when ready as possible, not by suddenly seeing a post on the internet when not in the frame of mind. Also, some asexual people do not want to encounter anything that has anything to do with s*x even if they weren’t traumatized because it’s icky or repulsive to them[not prudes at all, just grossed out and/or tired of hearing about the s*x constantly when it’s not in someone’s nature to want/crave it].

I’ll put a warning before the mention of the BDSM so any trauma survivors or aces can skip it. And I will put the caution signs ⚠️ ⚠️ ⚠️ ⚠️ at the end so anyone who skips can see where it ends and continue reading.)

The 4-7-8 breathing technique, also known as ‘relaxing breath,’ involves breathing in for 4 seconds, holding the breath for 7 seconds, and exhaling for 8 seconds.

This is a very simple and powerful technique to stop anxiety in its tracks. Of course, it may not work for every single person but is effective for many, if not most. For me, it works instantly.

I haven’t been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder and never struggled with general anxiety but I have suffered a six month long battle with debilitating health anxiety in 2019. And in 2015 I lost my close friend unexpectedly to a heart attack and after that have struggled with bouts of anxiety off and on and fear of others I know all of a sudden dying. Every now and again but not frequently, I have this terrible suffocating fear arise that someone I know will die soon or is dying right now or will suffer an illness. It’s something that comes and goes and even though it’s not constant or usually frequent, it is difficult to bear when it does occur. It can feel like it will never end and like I am the only one in the world suffering it. I have also struggled with crippling claustrophobia, which I have conquered on my own as I frequently must get on elevators for work. It was important for me to heal it.

So while I don’t have anxiety as badly or frequently as some people and don’t currently have a disorder, I know what it’s like to be plagued by anxiety sometimes. I believe my experience with health anxiety in 2019 would have been diagnosed as a fullblown disorder if I would have asked for help. It takes extreme strength and courage to battle anxiety. It’s a display of strength and courage to live with anxiety, NOT a sign of weakness or cowardice. People with anxiety are forced to be stronger than people without anxiety have to be, yet often feel we are weak and cowardly if we are anxious and fearful. There is no way we would be surviving it each second if we were weak minded. It takes emotional and physical strength to endure. To me, it’s worse than depression and I have suffered severe depression off and on for years. It’s difficult to imagine the strength of anxiety survivors who live with it regularly. Just six months for me was nearly unbearable.

My anxiety when it arises, more often than not, manifests as physical sensations and emotions as opposed to thoughts. Because of this, mine may be easier to calm down when it does arise than if I had deeply rooted fears and thoughts.

My heart pounds, nearly out of my chest, my breathing becomes shallow, my head spins, and bolts of fear run up and down my body, heart palpitations, and I have this terrible feeling that someone I know is dying, near death, or will soon die. Sometimes it lasts off and on for days, usually just off and on in one day. It tends to be worse at night and early mornings when it is occurring. And sometimes my health anxiety for my own self tries to return and convince me I have cancer. It’s absolutely frightening and life destroying when it’s constant like in 2019. I developed uncontrollable rituals each day, incessantly checking for lumps and marks on my body. I stayed on Google day and night reading about diseases and looking at pictures of diseases I was convinced I had. It was a fullblown obsession. How I survived those six months, I still don’t know.

When it’s out of control, it’s very difficult to meditate or just breathe so best to catch it when a symptom or episode is just beginning, or beginning to worsen, or not quite as intense. When my heart begins to pound or those bolts of fear ripple up and down my body, I do the 4-7-8 breathing technique and instantly my body calms. It’s not a cure, of course, but a good way to get instant relief and if it becomes a habit, it may just be a “cure” for some or at least make anxiety less frequent. It’s just it can be difficult finding the motivation or time to make it an ingrained habit. Or for many, their anxiety is just generally too severe to be able to sit there and breathe, mindfully.

But for me, it does work. When I’m out walking, if I am hit with fear or panic or anxious sensations, I do that breathing technique. Also, I haven’t made it a habit yet but at night/morning, I listen to a peaceful song/music and do the breathing technique even if I am not currently anxious. It’s very pleasant and can prevent anxiety. It instills in me a peaceful sensation all throughout.

One thing to be mindful of is if we meditate only infrequently or haven’t in a while, meditation may bring out more fear or anxiety or anger or sadness or grief…, because we have emotions and responses to everyday life and certain experiences already inside us and often pent up. Meditation will loosen it up and bring it all to the surface/consciousness like a plunger loosening all the contents in a sink or toilet. Lol It may make it seem like meditation or mindfulness is a bad thing or just not for us. But could just be we have to meditate more often. Everyday we experience things and our emotional reactions no matter how serious or not, build up. We get cut off in traffic, we drop things, we spill coffee on our white shirt, we see someone almost get hit by a car running across a street, we hear a loud noise that startles us, our coworker says something that ticks us off, we may remember someone dying years ago and feel current distress or sadness about it…all of our emotional reactions to these things stay inside us even if we quickly forget them. Then meditation brings it all out later and we may feel the stress, anger, fear for a while after a meditation session but it’s actually a good thing as all those emotions need a release.

Shoulder blade squeeze

As I mention when promoting breathing exercises, I suggest people who are physically able to, as long as it’s safe for them, do the shoulder blade exercise at the beginning to open up the airways and make breathing easier and deeper.

⚠️ ⚠️ ⚠️ Content Warning ⚠️⚠️ ⚠️

Some years ago, I read a fiction legal thriller series of books by Stephen Penner, for fun and learned an invaluable life tip. In one of the books, the medical examiner, character, Dr. Kat Anderson, explained that putting our arms back like that opens the chest cavity and helps us breathe better. In the book a woman was accidentally killed by her man while they were engaging in BDSM, a kink where they tie each other up and stuff; it looks and sounds violent but is usually safe and is one hundred percent consensual.

The characters were hooking up and he tied her arms back with her consent and he accidentally killed her. The doctor explained how she would have died sooner if not for her arms being tied back like that. The reason she died is he choked her (with her consent) and since her arms were back, she was breathing better so lived longer. I realized I can do that before meditations to make me breathe more deeply and just randomly throughout the day and then a professional fitness trainer told me the same thing, to do that all day, everyday. It aids in our breathing.

⚠️ ⚠️ ⚠️END⚠️ ⚠️ ⚠️

So put your arms straight at your sides then lift them to your waist, bend the elbows and squeeze shoulder blades for five seconds then loosen for a few seconds then do the same again however many sessions you see fit. Don’t shrug your shoulders while squeezing the shoulder blades. That isn’t necessary and may not be safe or effective.

This is only for people who can safely do this, don’t have pain or physical limitations, have arms…I understand this isn’t for everyone. I think the average person can do this though. Remember for counting seconds, 1 Mississippi, 2 Mississippi, 3 Mississippi….I learned this is elementary school just saying one two three is less than a second so put the Mississippi after and it’s closest to one second. 😁

This song in the YouTube video above, Mozart: Canzonetta Sull’aria, is one of my favorite ones to meditate to. It’s beautiful and peaceful and scientifically shown to be one of the most relaxing songs on Earth. Weightless – ten hour version or Weightless – eight minutes version is the actual most relaxing (scientifically proven) and I love that one too. But this one is a bit too relaxing and can make us sleepy or go to sleep. I’m not always trying to go to sleep after meditation. Sometimes I’m meditating in the morning or afternoon or out walking or before work and Weightless isn’t a good idea those occasions. But it’s great right before sleep or if it doesn’t matter if we are sleepy.

When breathing, only the abdomen should move, not the chest. And breathing should always be inhaling through the nose with the stomach expanding and exhaling through the mouth with stomach deflating. It’s called diaphragmatic breathing and does matter. It’s the proper way to breathe, the most healthy, but most of us don’t breathe that way and our breathing is shallow. Diaphragmatic breathing is best for coping with pain and anxiety and just the healthiest in all of life.

Remember to breathe as slowly and deeply as possible, especially breathing out. It takes practice. And remember to gently bring your wandering mind back to breath. That takes practice too. Everyone without exception will have a wandering mind, even those experienced with meditation. It’s just the nature of the human mind. It’s not a flaw or something worthy of self criticism. It’s just important to catch it as best as we can because before we know it our allotted meditation time is over and was taken up daydreaming of our lunch later, or some task at work tomorrow, or stores we have to visit. Again, not a flaw! And not an indication that we aren’t good at mediation. It happens to everyone who tries to meditate or do breathwork. It’s just important to get into the habit of catching it as much as possible for mediation to be most effective.

Anyone who tries meditation or breathwork is successful. Just taking that step to better our own self and be better for those around us is an accomplishment.

Hugs, love, inner peace, and light to all! πŸ’—

Xoxo Kim

Got anxiety? πŸ’œ


Got anxiety? πŸ’œ

(Caution ⚠️ Someone messaged me and said this video I made triggers headaches in some so please watch with Caution or not at all if you have any health issues that may be triggerd – I did put a caution even before someone said that because things like this can trigger sensory issues and seizures in some and probably various other things as well)

Just watch this video I made with glitchlabapp , mirrorlabapp , and movee and take deep, slow breaths. Breathe in slowly, through the nose for four seconds (1 Mississippi, 2 Mississippi, 3 Mississippi, 4 Mississippi) while the abdomen expands. Hold for seven seconds (1 Mississippi-7 Mississippi), then breathe out even more slowly, through the mouth, for eight seconds while the ab gets flat. Focus on breath and when the mind wanders, gently bring it back to breath. It will wander even for those experienced with meditation & breathwork. I would recommend bending your arms at the elbows and squeezing shoulder blades together if you’re physically able to and safely, before beginning the exercise. It opens up the airways/chest and makes breathing easier. Also, for those inexperienced, it’s easiest to lay down and hardest to be standing.

This often works instantly to calm down or feel a sense of inner peace, stop tremors, and heart racing, even if not done properly. Takes practice and persistence to get it down perfectly. But all it takes is a few seconds for results. May not work for everyone.

Anyone with sensory issues or seizure issues or any other extra/special needs maybe shouldn’t watch this video and anyone with physical limitations or pain maybe shouldn’t try the shoulder blade exercise. These things should only be done if you know you can do them safely.

Anxiety can be a fullblown disorder or just a mood we all experience on occasion throughout life. It can be mild to severe and can manifest in various ways, physical sensations, tremors, feelings of fear or panic, heart palpitations, difficulty sleeping, a deathly feeling…it’s different on different occasions and different for everyone and it’s never pleasant and is very, very common.

Sending love, peace, & light to all, xoxo πŸ’›πŸ•‰

I hope you are having a beautiful day or night wherever in the world you are!

Xoxo Kim

Marilyn’s Diary πŸ’œ



(This is a pic I took of a picture of Marilyn Monroe and I edited my pic with glitch apps – Glitch photography is my favorite hobby!)

“Sex is a baffling thing when it doesn’t happen. I used to wake up in the morning, when I was married, and wonder if the whole world was crazy, whooping about sex all the time. It was like hearing all the time that stove polish was the greatest invention on Earth.
Then it dawned on me that people – other women – were different than me. They could feel things I couldn’t. And when I started reading books I ran into the words ‘frigid,’ ‘rejected,’ and ‘lesbian.’ I wondered if I was all three of those things.

A man who had kissed me once had said it was very possible I was a lesbian because I apparently had no response to males — meaning him. I didn’t contradict him because I didn’t know what I was. There were times even when I didn’t feel human and times when all I could think of was dying. There was also the sinister fact that a well-made woman had always thrilled me to look at.”

“Why I was a siren, I hadn’t the faintest idea. There were no thoughts of sex in my head. I didn’t want to be kissed, and I didn’t dream of being seduced by a duke or a movie star. The truth was that with all my lipstick and mascara and precarious curves, I was unsensual as a fossil. But I seemed to affect people quite otherwise.”

“I have noticed since that men usually leave married women alone, and are inclined to treat all wives with respect. This is no great credit to married women. Men are always ready to respect anything that bores them. The reason most wives, even pretty ones, wear such a dull look is because they’re respected so much.
Maybe it was my fault that the men in the factory tried to date me and buy me drinks. I didn’t feel like a married woman. I was completely faithful to my overseas husband, but that wasn’t because I loved him or even because I had moral ideas. My fidelity was due to my lack of interest in sex.”

I love, love, LOVE these quotes attributed to Marilyn Monroe! Said to be found in a journal of hers that no one knew about. There is some debate about whether she was a homosexual woman or maybe an asexual woman. (Asexual meaning a person who experiences little to no sexual attraction to anyone of any gender- It’s an orientation[an uncommon one] like heterosexuality or homosexuality, for example, and common for asexual people to have no sex drive and not like/want sexual activity, and there are also asexual people who do like/want sexual activity and have a sex drive, just not directed at anyone in particular – They are called sex favorable asexuals, aces who don’t care about sexual activity either way, can go happily forever without it but may accept an offer, are called sex indifferent, and aces who will not try sexual activity or try it and are repulsed and don’t want it ever are called sex repulsed asexuals – all of these are equally asexual and equally valid – It is a destructive misconception that asexuality means wanting no sex – it means experiencing sexual attraction much less frequently than the average person, some experience it not at all and not all but most aces grow up asexual. Very common for aces to not want sexual activity at all ever but also ones who love it or engage in it for other purposes- There are asexual sex workers and promiscuous asexual people and I support them all!).

An asexual person does not experience sexual attraction – they are not drawn to people sexually and do not desire to act upon attraction to others in a sexual way. Unlike celibacy, which is a choice to abstain from sexual activity, asexuality is an intrinsic part of who we are, just like other sexual orientations. Asexuality does not make our lives any worse or better; we just face a different set of needs and challenges than most sexual people do. There is considerable diversity among the asexual community in the needs and experiences often associated with sexuality including relationships, attraction, and arousal.Asexuality.org

Ironically Marilyn was viewed as a sex symbol, very sexy, and very sexual and believed to be very into men. (And there is nothing wrong with a woman being very sexual and into men and being promiscuous and expressing her sexuality! It’s a great way to be! I support all women and women freely expressing their sexuality how they please. πŸ’œ) But according to some of the things said to be written in her journal, she wasn’t into men at all. People assume that because a woman dresses and carries herself a certain way, it’s automatically for men or automatically sexual. But believe it or not, some women love and are sexually attracted to other women. And some don’t love anyone that way and/or are attracted to no one and are not sexual beings at all(some who are on the asexual spectrum and the aromantic spectrum[little to no romantic attraction to anyone of any gender]).

And many women dress how we do for our own selves! I know, shocking, right?! Everything we do doesn’t revolve around men and/or sex. Sorry. Not sorry. But it’s twisted how society is so sex crazed and heterosexist/heteronormative and projects it onto us all. It’s a perversion. People sexualize little girls who wear leggins and short shirts/gymnastics clothing and that is repulsive. Little girls dress like that because they like it and the clothes are comfy and cute. Anyone who says otherwise is perverted and sexualizing them. And they do this to us at every age. Nothing wrong with an age appropriate woman dressing to express her sexuality but not all who dress a certain way are!

It’s hard to tell if her attraction to women was purely aesthetic or sexual. Aesthetic attraction is loving to look at someone because of how the person looks. Some people are homoaesthetic and love to check out people of their own gender but there is no desire to touch or have any kind of sexual contact with them. It’s like looking at a beautiful sunset or landscape or flowers….Often sexual attraction and aesthetic attraction go together but some developed the aesthetic attraction without the sexual aspect. Homosexual women, for example, are usually inherently homoaesthetic (love to look at/check out other women) but ace girls and straight girls can be too. And it’s possible for a homosexual woman to prefer looking at men than women. So heteroaesthetic. Or possibly bi/panaesthetic if they love looking at men and women and/or people of other genders. This is true for any genders. I’m using women as an example because I’m a woman myself. But men can love looking at other men whether or not they are sexually attracted to them. And homosexual men can love looking at women. Some even love boobs. Lol

To me this sounds more like she was asexual with no sex drive (not a disorder, just another way to be – usually no or low sex drive is the result of a dysfunction or illness or is a dysfunction but in the case of Asexual people, it’s not and is part of being asexual for that person, same with sex repulsion; if someone is sex repulsed that may be the result of trauma or a negative experience or unhealthy upbringing/religious views but when asexual people are sex repulsed, it’s usually just part of being asexual for that person; not all asexual people are sex repulsed though) but she very well could have been homosexual but since she grew up in a heterosexist/heteronormative society and believed she was supposed to like men, never even realized that there was another possibility for her – being attracted to women. So she mistook her lack of interest in men as a lack of interest in sexual activity itself or completely.

As little girls, we are constantly told we like boys or will grow up liking boys/men. By everyone, friends, parents, teachers, family members, the media, boys/men…even today, little girls are still expected to grow up and marry or “end up with” a man. We are automatically asked “Do you have a boyfriend/husband?” “Who/when was your first boyfriend/kiss/crush?” As if we necessarily must have had a kiss or want one or have had a crush(some people don’t have crushes or fall in love romantically and are called aromantic – some aros do rarely have crushes or fall in love and some never do) or as if women by default love men and love sexual activity with men. And are met with shock, surprise, confusion, sometimes outright denial or insults if we say never, or that we’re not into that, or are same-sex/gender oriented. Yes, even in 2020, some people cannot handle diversity, homosexuality, or anything other than cis heterosexuality. Many women who are not into men, sexually/romantically, force themselves into relationships/encounters with men just to appear or “be normal.” And some are confused and genuinely believe for a while that they must be hetero/straight since it’s programed into us since birth that we like boys/men. Some women don’t realize til much later that they never liked men that way. (Of course, some women who aren’t attracted to men engage in sexual activity with men because they genuinely want to for any reason and that is ok! No one says we have to be attracted to someone to engage in sexual activity with them. I’m referring to those who force it or are confused into it.)

Men send us “dick pics” without even knowing if we like men or male assigned sex organs, assuming we do or that if we don’t, they can “fix” us, straighten us out.

(This post isn’t about what some men do to women[and some women also do things to men that is wrong]; that’s just an example; this post is about a larger issue of what society does to people who are not heterosexual/straight/cis, particularly women since Marilyn is a woman and so am I)

It’s not unheard of for a homosexual or asexual woman to hear “I can turn you straight.” Cishet women are not invalidated this way. No one expects her to turn homo or ace the way they expect & or hope an ace woman or homosexual woman will turn straight. Heterosexuality is validated just by its existence and prevalence. Cishet girls and women don’t have to feel emotionally coerced into sexual activity and romantic relationships with other women and have their identities invalidated by society, friends, family, everyone. (Though, tragically, many, if not most, heterosexual women ARE emotionally [and even physically forced] coerced into sexual activity with men, often boyfriends/husbands/dates/romantic interests…and this is a serious problem that is also not ok and very destructive to the women it happens to – It’s just as bad as being assaulted by a stranger out on a street and it’s much more common and often “normalized,” which is absolutely wrong)

Society doesn’t give us the possibility of growing up liking girls or not liking anyone that way or just wanting to be single no matter who we are attracted to or not attracted to. When we’re perpetually single, we’re constantly nagged about why and having people incessantly trying to set us up on dates or for romantic relationships as if we aren’t worthy or whole on our own, as if we’re a pathetic existence to be pitied by everyone around us and society as a whole. We see/hear the jokes and ridicule towards people who aren’t “getting any,” are “still single,” and “need to get laid.”

Women often hear: “You need to get yourself a man/a good man.”

Any so called flaw we may display, we are met with “No wonder you’re still single,” as if single is inherently wrong or bad.

Homophobia is much less common now, thankfully! Society (at least U.S. society) is very accepting of homosexuality now; many are even appalled by homophobia. There are many cishet allies who speak out against homophobia. It is still around, for sure, but much less common.

But we still have a serious issue with heteronormativity or heterosexism, assuming that everyone is straight, straight by default, ignoring lgbt identities and couples….this is destructive to lgbt and asexual youth and adults.

How many of us have had a little friend who is a boy when we were little and have a teacher or neighbor say “aww you have a little boyfriend?” That may seem innocent enough but it’s not so innocent when we already know we aren’t into boys. How many women, no matter our orientation, have been close friends or casual acquaintances with a man, one hundred percent purely platonic and have people “suspicious” that we’re actually together or interested romantically/sexually in each other or people straight up tell us they “know” we’re “seeing” or screwing each other whether we say so or not? And flat out tell us we’re lying when we say he’s a friend. Or right away when we are with a man “Is that your boyfriend?” But when we’re with a girl, no one asks “Is that your girlfriend?”

Very invalidating to platonic friendships which are just as beautiful as romantic ones.

And very invalidating & destructive to women who aren’t even into men that way. There is a suffocating sense of exclusion, of being invisible for many of those who turn out not cishet or straight, adults and youth alike.

Women & girls are incessantly demanded in medical settings to get pregnancy tests without being questioned to see if it’s necessary and are not believed/are invalidated if we explain that it’s not. Cis Heterosexuality is inherently favored just to be “on the safe side.” Most women are cis heterosexual. There are also bisexual & pansexual women who are sexually attracted to men. And some homosexual & asexual women do engage in sexual activity with men for various reasons(which is completely ok if they freely choose it). So in medical settings it’s safest to force or demand a pregnancy test(& other tests that may not be very necessary for certain asexual women – the pap test and hpv or other sti test that is centered primarily around sexual contact – It’s like an obsession that ignores ace women who are & have always been & always will be celibate & have no gyn issues or symptoms of anything – trying to force an allo identity onto someone or some aspect of another identity that doesn’t apply). It’s invalidating and erases the identities of homosexual & asexual women (or any woman in a monogamous romantic/sexual relationship with another woman) who don’t engage in sexual activity with men, possibly never have, and have no intention to. If we tell them there is no way we can have an sti(in the case of a celibate asexual person) or be pregnant (in the case of an asexual or homosexual woman who does not engage in sexual activity with men), they sometimes have the nerve to tell us that there is no way we can be sure. As if there is no such thing as a virgin, a celibate person, or a lesbian, or other woman who hasn’t engaged in sexual activity with men recently or at all (bi or pan women in relationships with other women, for example).
It may be safest and necessary overall but that doesn’t take away the pain of being erased in favor of another identity. Just one of the challenges growing up as an identity that isn’t cishet. Some aspects are no one’s fault but that doesn’t erase the pain, the sense of exclusion, the loneliness sometimes accompanied by being different than the average person in a seemingly significant way.

Allosexuality/Heterosexuality is automatically forced upon us all. And for most people, this is not painful or invalidating or erasure. It’s not exclusion to them and not suffocating because they are heterosexual (or allosexual, which is anyone who is not asexual so this includes cishets and lgbt people – it means people who experience sexual attraction, which is almost everyone, 99 percent of people) and don’t give it a second thought.

It’s invalidating. And anxiety provoking. It “confirms” that we’re not “right.” It erases our identity and tries to force another one upon us. One that is unnatural to us, foreign, one that makes no sense.

And when we don’t fit this mold or “one size fits all,” we grow up confused, repressing, mortified, scared, maybe even suicidal.

Yes, heterosexism/heteronormativity can contribute to depression, anxiety, & suicidal tendencies in some of those who are not hetero/straight. It’s erasure, societal abuse, invalidation. And in the case of asexuality, it’s not exactly anyone’s fault as no one really knows asexual people exist. Asexual people do not even know asexual people exist and grow up utterly confused, mortified, many feeling broken. But I suspect even if most people did know, they would still ignore, exclude, and invalidate asexual people as they do homosexual people. Everyone knows homosexual women exist. Yet every woman gets asked “Do you have a boyfriend/husband?” Or gets sent a dick pic or is demanded to take a pregnancy test during medical checkups, or asked out by men without being asked if she even likes men that way. Or just gets any remarks made, questions asked that assumes she loves men or sex with men.

I think Marilyn was all of these things, anxious, depressed, suicidal…at different points.

But whatever her experience, it seems like Miss Marilyn was very misunderstood. I can strongly relate to her in some ways. One thing I love about Marilyn Monroe is how it seems like every one of us or so many can see some part of our own self in her, no matter our background or experiences. Some relate to her through experience with physical illness, some through psychiatric illness, some through shared experiences with sexuality, some through similar experiences with abuse or body image or self love…or any other thing. It’s like there’s something in her for all of us, something that speaks to us in a way that only the two of us can understand, something unique to us but completely understood by her, like she lovingly holds up a shattered mirror and there’s a jagged piece for each one of us, holding us in its knowing reflection.


If anyone reads this, thanks for reading!

I hope you are having a beautiful day or night wherever in the world you are! 😁

Xoxo Kim πŸ’œ

It’s beginning to look a lot like…❄❄❄ [Snowy day in Philadelphia!πŸ˜‚]


It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas here in Philadelphia! Snow in October?! ❄ πŸŽƒ All these pictures were taken today! Lol

And it’s like 80 degrees here!

It’s fake! It’s a movie set. There’s a movie being filmed on the street I work! I had no clue what was going on, all this stuff that looks identical to actual snow all over the ground and falling out of the sky! ❄❄❄ Police officers and lots of other people. And the street is blocked off and security people wouldn’t let me on the street but I saw little kids, in back of the ropes blocking the street, playing in the snow and someone filming them and I was wondering why these kids are allowed to play in this stuff on a street that is blocked off but I’m not allowed on the street to go to work?!? To go to my job! But they get to play! And why does this stuff look exactly like snow?! Then I later realized the kids are actors doing their own job. 🀣 πŸ˜‚ I thought the camera person was their dad filming them playing. Lol It really just looked like a couple of kids playing and their dad filming them with an extra large camera(though he did seem a bit more professional about it 😁). I should have known something was up with so many people and large cameras and Christmas trees in October, then I realized they must be making a movie. Then found out for sure the next day when they rudely told me I was interfering with their filming. Well, I can say the same about them, you’re all interfering with my dogwalking. πŸ˜„ πŸ’©

A few years ago here in Philadelphia no one was hurt, thankfully, but there was an explosion and some soft stuff started falling seemingly out of the sky and onto the ground and I thought something like that happened again at first when I saw the fake snow falling and police. But just a movie being filmed here in the lovely City of Brotherly Love. πŸ”” It’s a Christmas scene being filmed. They are filming day & night. The street is all decorated and houses all decked out. There are Christmas πŸŽ„ lights wrapped around the trees. The poor people who live on that street have to have their houses decorated whether they want it or not! And fake snow all over and tracked into their houses. Oh, well. I wouldn’t mind. My baby here in these pictures was confused and checking out the snow. He’s only a baby so I don’t know if he ever saw snow before for real. Lol He’s a very big lab puppy.

I got to meet Adam Sandler! 🀩😍

Lol jk But he is in this movie! πŸŽ₯

And the snow is dry and warm. I felt it. Lol ❄ Feels nothing like real snow. It’s powdery.

Anyway, they had to let me on the street. It’s an interesting experience to be one of the very rare ones in the city allowed to walk onto a movie set. I got to see “Behind the scenes!” 😁Security people weren’t happy about it but I am. And I am thrilled to see some Holiday cheer in October! πŸ‚πŸπŸŽ…πŸ€Ά The actors and other workers were singing Christmas songs not as part of the movie, just for fun. Lol And they came to see my dog! πŸ’œπŸ’œπŸΎ

September SongπŸ’™

“Do you remember the 21st night of September?
Love was changin’ the minds of pretenders
While chasin’ the clouds away
Our hearts were ringin’ in the key that our souls were singin’
As we danced in the night, remember
How the stars stole the night away” πŸ’œπŸ–€πŸŽΆ

September Song – Earth, Wind, & Fire πŸ’™

What a great song! One of those pick me up, feel good songs to get us pumped! I am so happy for the end of Summer and beginning of Fall!! I’m ready for cool nights, pumpkins, pumpkin spice everything…which we have already been having! But will be so much more fun in October! It’s cooler than it usually is now in the City of Brotherly Love! 🧑 Anyone who needs a bit of cheer or just wants to add some more to your day or night, please listen to the above song! I listen to it like everyday! πŸ˜πŸ˜„πŸŽƒ

I hope you are having a beautiful day or night wherever in the world you are!

xoxo Kim

Perfection πŸ’œ

I’m Beautiful – Bette Midler

“Well, I woke up one morning
Flossed my teeth and decided
‘Damn, I’m fierce!'”

There’s a movie I watched recently, called, “A Perfect Ending.” It’s about a wife who is not in a happy marriage with her husband. They were never truly happy together and she never felt passion in their relationship.
There are lots of sexual scenes in this movie, just in case anyone (sex repulsed asexuals, for example) needs a content warning. And some of the scenes seem to involve BDSM(very brief and hazy scenes if I remember correctly). There is nothing wrong with this; it’s all consenting adults. But anyone who has been traumatized in any way may be triggered by any scene that appears to be an assault scene even if it’s not. For anyone who doesn’t know, BDSM(Bondage, Discipline, Sadism, Masochism, Dominance, Submission ?) , is an activity that some people like to do where they tie each other up or one ties the other up, and scream and stuff, hitting and strangling may be involved, usually for sexual purposes, but some people like to leave the sexual aspect out and just hit/strangle each other and stuff(or one hits/strangles the other) just for thrills without the sexual aspect. lol It’s all consensual so it’s all good! If I was going to do that, I would leave the sexual out of it. lol They may be couples or groups of people involved. They can be any genders. If I was going to try it, I would choose a woman to be dominant over me. I could never hit her or strangle her even if she wanted it. I don’t have it in me. I don’t want to be hit either though. Or choked to death. lol But I would take it before I would dish it out. They have a safe word that gets the dominant person to stop the strangling and stuff. It’s something that is not “No, stop, don’t” because they scream those words to make it feel real. So when they really want someone to stop, they have a word they say. I don’t know much about BDSM at all, just a very limited idea. People into BDSM are just ordinary people with a kink; any kind of person can be into it.

Hopefully, I am not saying anything disrespectful or completely inaccurate since I am not very educated on the topic.

Some people get a thrill out of inflicting pain upon a consenting adult or being the target of pain inflicted by someone else. Like I said, nothing wrong with it; whatever floats your boat as long as it’s all consensual and adults. But someone who has actually been assaulted before or experienced any kind of trauma may be triggered seeing someone tied up and screaming even if the people like it and are consenting. Our brain can’t tell the difference. And it does look scary.

Anyway, this movie is not about that at all. There is just like one or two very brief scenes I think, involving it. So just a heads up!

And there is one scene I don’t understand. It is a flashback or memory that looks like an actual assault scene(not real, of course, but real in the movie, not BDSM) , just in case anyone needs a trigger warning.

The movie also involves terminal illness. When I struggled with health anxiety for six months in 2019, I could not watch movies involving cancer. My health anxiety started out as a horrific irrational (irrational because I obsessed almost every second of every day for six months and had no true reason to believe I was sick) fear of melanoma then turned to fear of all cancer in general. Someone in the movie has terminal cancer and dies at the end. It is made clear in the beginning that someone is sick and is running out of options but we do not know who until the end. We just hear a doctor talking and see pill bottles and a cemetery stone and a casket with flowers in different scenes. We also see a paper saying someone has malignant melanoma that has metastatized(sp?? I dont care to look up the spelling) and is inoperable.

I won’t give away any very big spoilers but if anyone wants to watch without knowing anymore details, skip this post for now!

Mini spoiler warning
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The wife, who is very rich, financially, mentions to her friends that she is not and has never really been in love with her husband of many years. She only married him because she was a single mom of a toddler and wanted security. She mentions that she wants passion like they have in their relationship and sexual pleasure, which she has never experienced. So they suggest that she gets a callgirl and hooks up with her. They think maybe she needs a woman; they are certain that women are better lovers than men. lol (I wouldn’t know but sure they are right! 🀣😁)

(Also, I know not everyone is either a man or a woman – there are some who are non-binary or a combination of male, female, or other…In the movie they were talking about men & women though so that is why I only mentioned them. I’m not excluding anyone)

So she gets involved with a much younger and stunningly beautiful callgirl. At first it’s meant to be strictly bussiness. The woman pays the other woman for sexual pleasure and the other woman gladly accepts the money. But they soon fall madly in love with each other and it’s no longer about business. The callgirl, Paris, quits taking on other clients and wants to stay with this one woman, whose husband has no idea she is cheating. Her husband has never tried to make her feel loved and cares much about appearance and perfection. The wife has felt very insecure for years.

The younger woman, Paris, is very loving and wise.
There is a scene where the two women are laying in bed together and the young woman is stroking the older woman’s skin. She reaches for her stomach and Rebecca, the other woman, stops her.
This is a brief and beautiful conversation they have during this scene, packed with wisdom.
Rebecca: “Don’t; I hate my stomach. I haven’t been to the gym in way too long. I used to have a pretty good body before kids and menopause. I never looked like you though. Wow.
Paris: (Referring to her own physical beauty) This, this doesn’t mean anything. Rebecca.
Rebecca: I hate that I did this. (I think she’s referring to a body modification, maybe implants, but not sure)
Paris: Why did you?
Rebecca: It was a birthday present from Mason. He loves perfection. It’s sort of the one thing we have in common. I’ve spent my whole life trying to be perfect. I never felt good enough, or thin enough, pretty enough, smart enough.
Paris: All of the things that make us not perfect are what make us so perfectly who we are. That’s who you are, Rebecca. Perfection.

Isn’t this beautiful? A great reminder to us all!

It’s a sweet & beautiful love story if you ignore the fact that she’s cheating on her husband. lol Not that this makes it ok but her husband is not the best; he’s not very loving to her; their marriage is stagnant, and worst of all, he does not think of or treat her daughter as his own even though he brought her up since she was a baby. He only regards the younger brothers as his since they are biologically his. I would leave him just for that. If someone is important to us, I believe their kids should be too. If I have a friend with kids, I love her kids automatically. Also, I don’t have much experience with human children but I cannot imagine bringing up a child and not loving the child like my own and regarding the child like my own. I’m a pet nanny and I love all the furballs like my own n they are not mine in any way at all.

I love the character, Paris, the callgirl. She’s intelligent and wise and sexy and confident. She’s also compassionate. She experienced something traumatic and devastating, previously. Some may have a serious issue with her since a married woman is cheating on her husband with Paris and Paris knows she is married. But if you can forget that little detail, you may just fall in love with her. lol 😍

Whenever I watch a movie that is especially packed with wisdom or has a scene in it with a wise or beautiful message, I love to share!
So the message here is we are all beautiful, especially because of our flaws and perfect because of our imperfections. And while the physical beauty of a person is pleasing, it is not important and actually means nothing.

This does not mean not to get all dolled up or cosmetic surgery if we want and not take pleasure in someone else’s or our own beauty, just that there are more important aspects of a person. Of course beauty, hair, makeup salons are all good! I love looking at beautiful women and I follow many fashion and makeup accounts! But I know a good personality, a loving heart, is more pleasing than a pretty face or banging body. Also, more potential to be longer lasting.

I hope you are having a beautiful day or night wherever in the world you are! ❀

Xoxo Kim