September 7th โค๏ธ

Lol Just sharing this funny coincidence!

I’m reading this psychological thriller, and September 7th is mentioned, and coincidentally it really is September 7th! ๐Ÿ˜† I get too happy and giddy over the d*mbest/simplest things! I had to blur most of it out because I’m not sure we’re allowed to share any of it. It’s called “The Insomniac” by Miranda Rijks Very good book up til now! It’s on Amazon Kindle for a low price.

It’s the little things!

Xoxo Kim

My big balls ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜†

Lol For my August post, I’m sharing this social media post of mine a couple weeks ago. ๐Ÿ˜†

Content warning: tasteless humor ๐Ÿ˜†

My mom was walking by me in the kitchen and I began singing “My balls are always bouncing to the left and to the right; it’s my belief that my big balls should be held every night.”

And my mom yelled “Omg, that’s just godawful!!” ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜ญ

I knew she would have some reaction like that.

She’s a prude lol

The reason I thought to sing this is, I was recently out walking in extra skintight leggins’ (I looked really good in them, I must say! So I wore them two days in a row, and that was a mistake!) in the heat, and the heat and friction gave me very painful welt things on my inner thighs, and they were so big they felt like they were hanging and reminded me of balls hanging. LoL Neosporin took care of it.

It reminded me of one day when my little sister was in middle school, many years ago, and for a homework assignment, she had to choose a song to write about, and my mom asked if I had any ideas, and I said yeah and said she should use the song popularly known as “Discovery Channel,” now called “The Bad Touch.” Discovery Channel doesn’t sound all that bad, does it? My mom said ok and asked to hear the lyrics and I began singing “Put your hands down my pants and I’ll bet you’ll feel nuts.” My mom was horrified and yelled “Get the hell out of here!!”

I have been called a pig/perv/unladylike…and told “You should have been a guy/must have been a guy in another life” because of my sense of humor. LoL

(this picture has no filter {just a blurry background} lol I’m really this orange because of the sun. I work outside. I did increase the saturation a bit to try to showcase the green of my new lingerie top because it looks a bit black in the photo{I have a black set too!}, so it made me appear even more orange ๐ŸŠ)

๐Ÿ˜†๐Ÿ˜†๐Ÿ˜†

Good day or night wherever in the world you are! ๐Ÿ˜

Xoxo Kim โค๏ธ

Amber ๐Ÿ–ค {a poem – inspired by my true experience}

This photo above is my glitch art. I made it myself. It’s created with a tool called pixel sorting or processing. I thought it seems fitting for the dark poem ahead. ๐Ÿ˜

And when I say dark, I do mean dark. LoL ๐Ÿ˜†

(In my last post, somewhat recently, I mentioned that I was going to share my experience with love & rejection as my next post. I’m still going to share that soon, but it’s not done yet. It’s complete but needs editing and stuff. It’s super long and detailed, and just needs more time. But I want to share this now.)

This is an old poem I wrote, inspired by my true experiences. I wrote it around fifteen years ago. I have always loved poetic writing, just for myself. I never shared much of it, just once in a while on an old blog or something. Once in a blue moon, I get in the mood to write creative/poetic things. I had so many through the years and lost most of them when my old phones crashed that I had them saved on. I prefer writing and saving on phones/electronic devices than notebooks. When I see they are breaking, I quickly save as much as I can. I guess I need a better system!

Losing years and years of my work was devastating. It triggered a depressive episode. After the depressive episode ended, I still couldn’t bring myself to think about writing new stuff after all the old stuff got lost. I have written more recent stuff after a while. It wasn’t necessarily good, and wasn’t for publishing or anything, but it was work I was happy to have for myself, things inspired by my real experiences.

This poem is one of the very few surviving old ones.

Content warning โš ๏ธ: dark poetry – mental health issues

I mostly only like writing dark/serious poetry, and that is my favorite kind to read. I love happy, cheerful stuff in general, but artistic stuff and poetry, I love dark/creepy the best, usually.


This poem is called Amber.

It is dark and disturbing, heavy content, not everyone’s style.

Here goes!

I hear her loud screams
Through the night
As the walls shake
To the sound
That reverberates
Through severed veins
Managed to be sewn
Back together
After fountains of scarlet
Pouring out
Like red wine
Tainting everything it touches

My room is almost empty
The girl who was beside me
Night after night
Has been taken away
Her clothes and things
Packed up and moved
To another place
Her arms and legs
Now in thick metal shackles
To match the invisible ones
Chaining her
To some secret hell
No one else can touch

Now I am left alone
With Amber’s psychotic
Ramblings
And violent screams
That echo through me
Like broken galaxies
Lost in the endless darkness
Of space
They stick needles into her arms
While she protests
Violently kicking and thrashing
Convulsing
She is dragged to the quiet room
Just across the hall
Where she is alone
And drifts into a deep, dark sleep
But not for long
Soon enough
She is awake
With her hysterical sobs
And her dark fears
The voices scream at her
Inside her head
I hear them too
I can feel them pulsing
Through my own body
Malicious
Demanding
Persecuting
As I sit on the edge of my bed
And stare up at the white ceiling
And blank walls
Wondering
How this place got so large
It seems to expand before my eyes
Limitless spaciousness
The vastness is almost unbearable
Making me dizzy
As the voices grow louder
More threatening
As they bounce off the walls
And back
But they all pretend they can’t hear
All they hear are her agonized screams
Through the night
That pound through my head
Her dark hair
Messy and scraggly
Her eyes filled
With dark horror
As she claws at her own face

Somewhere I know
There is a girl
Deep within her
Buried
Beneath layers and layers
Of pain, despair, fear
And screaming voices
A girl who needs and yearns
And loves
But the strange voices
Drown out her own voice
Quiet it
Until it almost seems not to exist
But I feel her
Deep within me
Her light
Dim and flickering
But still present
The doctors and nurses
And the technicians
Come into my room
Again and again
Telling me to turn off the light
Get to sleep
To forget about Amber
But the voices
Won’t let me sleep
Amber’s voices
Clash with my own
And become a choir
Of haunting screams
Something deep within me
Implodes
Like empty rooms
With walls
Closing in
Suddenly, this place
Isn’t so large anymore
It’s small and stuffy
Claustrophobic
My walls close in
And my breath quickens
Along with my pulse
Fear paralyzes me
And I can’t scream
But her screams
Still blast through me
Like the moon exploding
In a dark sky
And I get cut
On the hot celestial shards
My skin bleeds
And my heart pounds
And I am dragged away
Into a deep, dark place
Where there is nothing
But loud
Agonizing
Screams
And voices
That never sleep
Echoing all
Throughout a night
That never seems to end

I hope you are having a beautiful day or night wherever in the world you are!

If you have any creative writing of your own you would like to share in the comments, be my guest! ๐Ÿ˜

Xoxo Kim โ™ฅ๏ธ

Just some random body positivity post! โค๏ธ(Revealing photos{of me in lingerie}, just a heads up ๐Ÿ˜†)

“Two things in the world are not meant to be hidden โ€“ love and a woman in a red dress.”

(This isn’t a dress; it’s a teddy lol) โค๏ธ

I splurged on some new lingerie, just for myself to look pretty in. I want to start doing photoshoots (me being the photographer and the model) for body/age(older women are even hotter!) positivity, celebration of female beauty, aesthetics…. Unfortunately I cannot really fit anymore pics on here. I have to see how to upgrade and get more storage space. And on Facebook, there is so much s*ut bashing and misogyny. I’m not promiscuous, just like revealing clothing, and nothing wrong with being promiscuous anyway. But facebook is full of misogynistic men who insist everything a woman does is for them, saying we’re “asking for it” and stuff. And that we shouldn’t post “thirst trap” photos unless we want their attention and they get butthurt when they are rejected. So I may or may not put pics on there but definitely will on Instagram! I also use VSCO but haven’t in a while because there are too many glitches and it’s hard to use now on my phone but I’ll try again. I’m in a bunch of lesbian groups on Facebook, including lesbian thirst trap ones intended to share revealing photos of ourselves, and may post some there. There aren’t supposed to be any (cisgender) men in those groups (though I wouldn’t be surprised if there are some pervs lurking) and most women don’t act like that, so it’s a safespace. I LOVE compliments by anyone of any gender but too many men act entitled and can’t handle rejection then criticize us for dressing a certain way and/or posting pics of ourselves. I don’t mind them looking though. I can take a compliment. LoL

Like I always say to the men, you can look but “U can’t touch this.” ๐Ÿ˜†๐Ÿ˜†๐Ÿ˜†

๐Ÿ’‹ xoxo

I’m going to order this in red and other colors too! โค๏ธ๐Ÿ’‹ My skin is so so soft and smooth ever since my skincare routine. I am Heaven to touch. LoL I rub lotions and oils all over me, just out of a shower (it works better when the skin is wet), then again in the morning. I also use special soap and my skin looks so clean. Also, slather on that sunblock! Spf 50 and 70 is best but at least 30!

This is extremely revealing! LoL You can see all my stuff right through it. That’s why my hand is there(hoping it just looks casually placed and not like I’m trying to cover it ๐Ÿ˜†). Not that I mind but it’s not allowed on most social media platforms. LoL

LoL ๐Ÿ˜†
Xoxo ๐Ÿ’‹๐Ÿ˜˜
LoL I look a tad mischievous here. ๐Ÿ˜†๐Ÿ–ค

๐Ÿ–ค

Black velvet, if you please. ๐Ÿ–ค
๐Ÿ–คโœจ Never let anyone dull your sparkle. ๐Ÿ’–
“Baby, that red dress brings me to my knees
Oh, but that black dress makes it hard to breathe” ๐Ÿ–ค
โค๏ธ

I love compliments of any kind by people of all genders but definitely not looking for the D. LoL ๐Ÿ˜†๐Ÿ˜‚ Keep that ish in your pants ๐Ÿ˜

This is the disclaimer I am going to start putting on any thirst trappy photos I post on Facebook. LoL ๐Ÿ˜† (No, this isn’t a thirst trap for men. Yes, I appreciate compliments, but I don’t get all dolled up and think “I’m going to look so good for these men today.” lol For me, it’s about body positivity, aesthetics, celebrating female beauty…and also we can celebrate our sexuality {if we have one} and it not be about men or anyone else. A woman can feel empowered and confident in her own sexuality and want to express it for herself. Her sexuality is her own. Even if she’s attracted to men, that doesn’t mean she’s sharing pics of herself just for them. It’s about her. And she may not even be attracted to men. And often, women even post to inspire other women or fem presenting people. I’m going to copy and paste this disclaimer on each pic of me that I share because men are saying we shouldn’t post “thirst trap” photos unless we want them and then are calling us s*uts and wh*res if we ignore or reject them, asking why we post pics of ourselves in revealing clothing then. I had to block a few already. So yeah, this will be on each of my pictures that could come off as thirst trappy. lol Compliments of any nature are welcome though, by people of all genders.)

So these are a few recent photos of me! I will purchase more lingerie soon and get more pics. Hopefully I get more storage space soon! ๐Ÿ˜

I suggest, once in a while, splurging on something just for yourself even if not needed. It’s ok to purchase something unnecessary now and again that brings us joy. It’s a form of self care. I do not need this lingerie or the heels I buy occasionally and can’t even really use it much. Can’t wear the lingerie out and it’s not even that comfy to sleep in. I’m a dogwalker and can’t wear the heels usually. But it makes me so happy to dress up on occasion, just for me, and maybe take some pics. โค๏ธ Go for it! Buy that dress you may never wear or the heels that aren’t practical but oh so pretty. Buy the teddy just for you even if no one else will see.

(not my photo)

I hope you are having a beautiful day or night wherever in the world you are! Sending hugs to all who want any!

And remember, beauty comes in all sizes, shapes, ethnicities, ages…โค๏ธ If you got it, flaunt it, and if you don’t, flaunt it anyway! Nothing wrong with celebrating our own beauty and each other’s! ๐Ÿ˜ Also, remember, a woman can celebrate her own beauty in a solely aesthetic way or even celebrate her sexuality without meaning it’s for a man. She may just feel empowered and confident expressing her sexuality through clothing and pics or she may be posting for other women, either to inspire other heterosexual women or she may be attracted to other women/women aligned people. And all of that is valid! โค๏ธ

(I posted some of these on Instagram after writing this post. I wrote this a couple weeks ago and never published it.)

My next post is going to be about something I have never shared with anyone before, not online or in person. Something I have kept tucked away in my head for over a decade. A true story of love & heartbreak. My own experience of telling a woman I loved her and getting rejected. Also some of my experience with growing up, not heterosexual/not attracted to men (this part I have shared in the last few years, but I’m going to share some in depth experience in my next post!). It’s a post I have been working on for a while and it’s just about ready!

Xoxo Kim โค๏ธ๐Ÿ˜˜

List of Happy on the last day of May! ๐ŸŒธโค๏ธ

Processed with VSCO with preset

This is me in March 2020. I was super super happy (I’m happy in general when my depression isn’t flaring but sometimes I am in an especially joyful mood and was here ๐Ÿ˜). You can see it all over my face! LoL

Anyway, here is my current list of Happy!

1.) My job! It’s very fulfilling and fun and joyful! I’m a pet nanny! ๐Ÿพ๐Ÿ˜ป๐Ÿถ

2.) Iced green tea ๐Ÿต matcha lattes! I love them and have been drinking them everyday. ๐Ÿ’š

3.) My body/health. It’s beautiful and energetic and holds me well. It allows me to do everything I want to do and recovers so quickly. I rarely get sick and when I get cut, my cuts heal super quickly. When I contracted the plague in 2020, I never even knew it because I never got sick! (I did thoroughly lose my taste/smell for two months, thought I had nerve damage) I only found out donating blood! The Red Cross told me I have the antibodies. I have a wicked immune system. I’m not thankful for not getting sick then (I was out in public walking around not knowing, though did not go near anyone and always had a mask on) but just goes to show how great my body is.

4.) My photography/glitch art hobby – It brings me joy and I’m good at it!

5.) My online friends! โค๏ธ Sometimes online friends are better than the in person ones(not that I currently have in person friends but hope to soon!).

6.) Movies! I love horror and comedies and especially love falling asleep watching horror ones!

7.) Acts of kindness ๐Ÿ’œ

8.) Philadelphia – My true love ๐Ÿ’™ I just love walking its streets all day & night. ๐ŸŒ† ๐Ÿ™๏ธ

9.) Oldies music! โค๏ธ The main music I listen to!

10.) My ability to experience compassion and sadness for others no matter how old it gets. I keep seeing people seeing they are too numbed by the violence all around us to care anymore. Sometimes that happens to me when I am severely depressed and especially when also extremely overworked along with it. Depression can burn out all our emotions when it’s extremely severe (it’s nothing at all to do with being a bad or uncaring person, can happen to anyone) but in general I can experience compassion and empathy and sadness and happiness for others.

11.) The birdsong on Spring & Summer nights. I can hear it now! ๐Ÿ’• Beautiful!

12.) That beautiful tender loving feeling when a depressive episode or wave is gradually lifting. I have always said that it’s almost worth it to be so sick because the feeling of it lifting is so beautiful and amazing. And I don’t use the word “amazing” loosely. โค๏ธ

I hope you are having a beautiful day or night wherever in the world you are and remember to look for the good even in the darkness. ๐Ÿ–ค

Xoxo Kim โค๏ธ๐Ÿ’•

Spring ๐ŸŒผ๐ŸŒป๐ŸŒธ

This is an Instagram post of mine I’m sharing here!

“Spring offers us an intimate experience of paradox. Colorful new growth emerges to inspire us, seeming to flourish only in conditions which we begrudge: pummeling rain, persistently cool temps, buffeting winds. Our longing for relentless sunshine and warmth would abbreviate the glory of spring to a mere few days, not the season of slowly unfurling beauty we love to savor.

Life is predictably unpredictable, yet assuredly filled with what we will welcome and what we will shun. And it is in this mix of conditions and great mystery that we are made wiser, whole, and who we are. It is in both the roadblocks and open road. The storms and the clear skies. The moments we suffer and survive, and the moments we sparkle.” (Gratefulness.org)

This picture looks so Wintery. I’m walking around trying to get Springy pics and Spring them up even more, increasing the warmth and looking for filters that play up the summery/spring vibes but there are so so many bare trees around still and an unseasonably grey chill in the air each day. I took this picture today and it has strong Winter vibes. I was trying to think of how I can make it look more like Spring then came to the conclusion that it can’t be done; it is what it is and decided to roll with it and exaggerate the Winter vibes instead, deceasing the warmth and increasing the tint and going easy on the saturation so the blue stays a bit on the duller side instead of the bright blue of Spring/Summer. So here it is! Spring, just like life itself, is a beautiful mix of a little bit of everything, grey and color, hot, cold, beautiful, painful, snow, rain and shine…

It’s Spring where I am! I hope you are having a beautiful day wherever in the world you are! ๐ŸŒธ๐ŸŒป๐ŸŒผ

Xoxo Kim

Terminus {a novel} โค๏ธ

This is a picture I made. It’s a pic of a real cemetery near where I live and I edited it to make it extra creepy. Those are real cemetery stones! It was taken in the daylight and I made it look like night. The apparitions are not real. ๐Ÿคฃ

There’s a novel called, “Terminus,” about an angel who falls in love with a human, which is forbidden, according to the spiritual world. He would have to give up being an angel and become human to stay with her, which they don’t encourage in his realm. He meets her in an operating room when her little girl dies on the operating table. He knows the child is going to die and has to show up just before, to escort her soul to the afterlife when it leaves her body. No one in the operating room can see him or knows he’s there except the little girl after her body dies. He stands there as the doctors are working to keep her alive. He sees the crying woman at her daughter’s side and falls in love with her instantly. This is what he thinks when he sees the woman:

“The auburn hair falling over emerald eyes shimmering with tears made her look achingly beautiful.”

He makes the mistake of touching her(it’s a loving, spiritual thing, not a pervy thing lol). She doesn’t understand exactly what happened but she’s suddenly & momentarily filled with joy at the touch of an angel. Then later she meets him again in his human form when she’s s*icidal and recognizes him even though she did not see him in that operating room. The love story is only part of the whole book; it’s a mystery thriller where a few people’s lives are all connected somehow and something big & bad is going to happen if the angel doesn’t stop it. The angel doesn’t know what is going to happen, just that something is, and the woman he’s in love with is meant to die for the greater good but he doesn’t want her to and instead of aiding in her death like he’s meant to, he keeps intervening and saving her life, which is against the rules in his spiritual realm.

Anyway, I want to share a scene in the book I love!

Matthew is a little boy and Riley is his puppy. His puppy gets hit by a car and is dying and the angel, Nick, witnesses and heals the puppy instantly, even though he’s not really allowed. Angels have healing power but are only allowed to use it under certain circumstances. The angel, Nikolai or Nick, is very human-like.

“Matthew fell to his knees, crying. Riley had been hit and was gasping her final breathsโ€”something Nick was all too familiar with. Matthew looked at his puppy, his face all tears and dirt and heart-wrenching despair. ‘Iโ€™m sorry, Riley! This is all my fault!’

‘Itโ€™s not, Matthew. Not yourโ€”’

‘I let her out without me. Oh, Riley…Riley, please donโ€™t die!’ He turned back to Nick. ‘I messed upโ€”I always mess up! Thatโ€™s why Mommy and Daddy donโ€™t want me.’

‘Thatโ€™s not true!’

Nick made up his mind. The laws about unassigned healings couldnโ€™t be so inane as to apply to animals. And if they did, he didnโ€™t care. He knelt down and placed his hands around Rileyโ€™s head. His entire body tingled with a pulsating light that started from his heart and radiated to his fingertips, which glowed as he pressed them gently against the puppyโ€™s furry brow. He shut his eyes. Connected with Rileyโ€™s soul. It surprised him, how deep was the love a puppy felt for her master, how intense the memories. But there they were, strong as any humanโ€™s if not stronger. He had to take care not to send too much light into so young a puppy. A tear slid down Nickโ€™s cheek. Joy and sadness.

‘Get up, Riley,’ he whispered. The light left him. The puppyโ€™s breathing returned to normal, and she lifted her head.

‘Riley?’ Matthewโ€™s face was alight with joy and wonder. ‘Riley!’ She rolled to her feet and let out a happy bark. Tail wagging furiously, she leapt into Matthewโ€™s arms and proceeded to bathe his face with puppy kisses. Matthew finally managed to lower her enough to look up at Nick.

‘Wow, mister! That was awesome!’

‘Be careful crossing the street, okay?’

‘Thanks for fixing up Riley. Sheโ€™s good as new.'” โค๏ธ

Xoxo Kim