Archive | December 2017

Always be my baby❤

“You’ll always be a part of me
I’m part of you indefinitely
Boy don’t you know you can’t escape me
Ooh darling ’cause you’ll always be my baby
And we’ll linger on
Time can’t erase a feeling this strong
No way you’re never gonna shake me
Ooh darling ’cause you’ll always be my baby”❤

Always Be My Baby – Mariah Carrey

Recently, I experienced one of the most heartbreaking aspects of my job. The most difficult part of the job is losing the animals I take care of, either to death or them moving away. Them dying is more painful. If they move away, they are still happy & healthy, & alive!😊 But it’s still so incredibly painful when it happens.

And recently this happened. One of my babies moved away to another state. I’m devastated. 💔 I had no idea that was going to happen. Just last week, we stood together, hugging, and I thought about how I can stay like this forever. Just holding a big dog in my arms. The best feeling in the world!💙

He is a big, big boy! He stands up on his back legs and hugs and kisses. He is a big teddy bear who loves everyone. It’s heartbreaking and devastating to not get to see him anymore. But that’s just the way it is. We live, love, & lose. My grief seems overwhelming at some points but I know it’s not a bad thing at all. It’s just what happens when we love & lose. It happens to me again & again & again throughout the years because I have had so many pets of my own and now take care of animals for my job. There’s so much grief and loss but only because there’s so, so much love!❤

I always endure the grief, survive it, & move forward. Each loss is new and different and there’s not really any getting used to it completely. But since it happens over & over, it’s not completely new and I know what’s coming and how I have endured it before and will again, for sure. It’s probably easier for me than for someone who isn’t as accustomed to it.

Last night while laying in bed, I felt that old, familiar throbbing throughout my whole existence, but for someone new. That same urgent throbbing like having a severely abscessed tooth, but much worse. The same “How can this be?” The same wringing of the hands.

And I just let it throb, just let it be, embracing it and knowing it just is what it is.

I thought about how Mac will always be my baby no matter what. Distance & time doesn’t matter. Our lives crossed and touched and nothing can change that. I love him & he loves me and being separated can’t take that away.

I remembered this song sung by Mariah Carrey, which I always loved! Last night though, I really listened to the lyrics and let them sink in. I realized how it’s a song about true, non attached love. She is singing about how she will let him go, let him fly, if that’s what he wants. But she will always love him. That is true love! Letting someone go if we must, for whatever reason, but still loving the person. I found it soothing & healing. And now have been listening to it over and over!😆

Loving doesn’t mean we have to see someone or be in contact. We can love/wish others the best, hope they are happy, healthy, & living wherever in the world they are. And if they are dead we can still be thankful our lives crossed.

I’m so thankful that Mac is a happy boy, healthy, and alive, and so loved by his family! (And me!❤) That’s all that matters! And he’ll always be my baby! (Even though he’s actually not mine…I have to remind myself every now & again that no matter how much I love them, they are not my own!😆)

Hugs & love,

Xoxo Kim ❤

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Gratitude List

This is a gratitude list for a specific topic, outside/public things that are extremely helpful to me. Much of my job takes place outside so in the last year I have become especially aware of & thankful for these things. A year ago in December, I was offered a job as a petsitter, which I love and my boss said I do a great job! So thankful! Most of it is dogwalking, which takes place outdoors, of course. So here are a few things I find incredibly helpful:

Parks – especially ones that dogs are allowed in & especially when the parks have public doggy bag dispensers. They are beautiful places to walk through and are grassy so dogs like to go potty while there (I always clean up the, 💩 of course! I have all these cute little doggy bags & dispensers!) If ever I have breaks, I love to sit in parks and read and take in the beautiful surroundings.

Benches – It’s so good to have a place outside to sit during breaks or when I’m injured, just to get a rest. I sometimes suffer walking related injuries when I don’t wear appropriate walking shoes and a bench to take a rest is so very helpful!!

Trashcans – Probably the number one most helpful thing on my list. I’m frequently in need of trashcans! Mostly to throw used doggy bags away. Sometimes I have doggy bags full of cat litter when I’m petsitting a cat or hay/litter if I visit a bunny or guinea pig. We don’t throw trash/animal waste away in clients’ houses so must find a place to throw it outside. I don’t throw stuff in people’s trashcans outside so I’m very, very thankful for public ones such as the one in the pic above. Also, I’m frequently eating snacks and drinking iced tea or hot tea/coffee/cocoa/lattes…while out walking to my next visits and have to carry the trash with me when I can’t find a can. We need more trashcans!! There really needs to be a public trashcan on every street corner!!

Buttons on busses – I walk mostly but take public transportation often and sometimes the busses are so crowded there’s no available seats and it’s hard to pull the string, to let the driver know to stop the bus at the next stop, without hitting someone accidentally and it’s awkward reaching over strangers to pull the string and I’m shy so dont like to ask anyone to pull it for me. The buttons on the bars have the same function, to ring, and let the driver know to stop. I dont have to reach over or bang into anyone, pressing the buttons, so what a great invention!!

Traffic lights – It is unbelievably hard to cross streets with lots of traffic and no lights. The drivers in cars rarely stop to let those of us walking, cross. Once in a while, a kind person will care to stop and let us go but mostly they are extremely impatient and couldn’t care less how long we have to wait, even in heavy rain and freezing cold weather or with a dog or baby or anything, and probably wouldn’t even mind running someone over if they were able to get away with it. So traffic lights help so much! There needs to be more! I only cross with dogs where there’s lights or very little traffic. I have to keep my babies safe!❤

Street art – It’s so fun & inspiring to see all the beautiful messages/images while out & about!

Doggy bag dispensers – can never have enough doggy bags! So, so helpful to have them in parks.

Napkins/plastic spoons/forks – free ones in cafes/grocery stores….Like I said, Im often eating. Lol I dont carry eating utensils around with me so it’s helpful to have them when I buy stuff that requires a fork or spoon.

Free apps/notifications for transportation – occasionally I get popup messages on my phone letting me know how many minutes the next bus will be at the busstop I’m near. Very helpful!

Earth angels – So many beautiful souls out & about who stop to offer help to those in need or just to say hello!❤

These are all things that make my little corner of the world so much better!! I would love to invite everyone to think about the overlooked things each day that really are so very helpful. Acknowledging them and giving thanks, even if just in our head, makes this life even more beautiful! ❤

Thank you to everyone who has put thought, energy, & time into these things to help others! What beautiful acts of kindness!!💙

Can you think of anything frequently overlooked or seemingly simple but extremely helpful? There must be lots more!

And thank you to everyone who has been liking my posts & commenting! I greatly appreciate it! I havent been on wordpress for a while then recently just been posting my own and not reading any other blogs but will soon! Thank you, thank you, thank you!!❤

Much love to you!

Xoxo Kim

My beautiful snow angel❄⛄⛇☃💜

My lil baby, Anishy!!She looovveess snow & cold weather(like me!☃)! I take care of Anish most days when her mommies are at work & sometimes we even get to have sleepovers when they’re away overnight. Anish loves me & I love Anish like my own. She’s one of my very best friends and one of my furry soulmates. One of my greatest loves.❤💙💚💛💜💟

She is extremely loving (but only loves certain people; she’s not a universal lover) and very playful & youthful like a lil puppy! We have so much fun together! She’s the sweetest little girl and so funny! She is a border collie mix and super intelligent. She is a very passionate girl with very strong emotions and is very opinionated.

This is her today in our mini snowstorm and loving every second of it! I hope she brightens your day like she brightens ours everyday! ❤

Much love & light,

Xoxo Kim

Snow Day!!!❄☃⛇⛄☕

“Kindness is like snow; it beautifies everything it covers.”

Recently we had a snow day here in Philadelphia! Then today we had a snowy morning! This is one of my babies playing in the snow! I just love him! He looovveess snow! He loves holidays and loud noises, talking decorations, and people & doggies! He’s a big teddy bear named Zero!❤

One of the most joyous things to witness in this life is a dog or a human child experiencing pure, raw joy, like right here! He is thrilled!

Here are some of my other snowday pics!⛄⛇☃❄⭐🌟👼🎀🌲🍭🎑🎁💟

Snow angel❤

This is a kind of coffee called holiday blend. It sounds very good and has molasses and cinnamon and sounds/looks better than it tasted! ☕

This is a pic I took for my mom because she loves angels.👼❤😇

This is a sweet ass car right here! The first thing I thought as soon as I first saw it is, goodness that CAR!

The thing must have cost a pretty penny and the vibrant red color is stunning. I’m not interested in cars and don’t even drive but I want this! Just because it’s totally impressive to have. 😂 There’s a little bit of shallow in me, oh well!😍

I hope you are having a lovely day or night wherever in the world you are!

Much love & light,

xoxo Kim ❤

Motivation❤

When I saw this today, I was instantly inspired. This quote is referring to the sport of running but can apply to any routine, sport, hobby…we engage in or would like to. Anything we want to make a habit or way of life, if we practice enough with no excuses, it will eventually became as natural or ingrained as breathing or brushing our teeth each day. Some examples are exercise routine, gratitude journaling, meditation, even things that may seem easier or more simple such as just taking a few minutes out each day to breathe or listen to uplifting music. It can be difficult and takes self discipline, patience, willpower, serious motivation….to develop even simple positive habits and stick with them enough until they become ingrained or “second nature.”

In this quote, the person mentions after “many long years,” we get to the mentality where we “just have to.” Being tired, raining out, freezing cold, too much other stuff to do….doesn’t matter. Whatever our goal is, is what has to be done. But we don’t even have to have been practicing for many years to get to “I just have to.” Even if we just set a goal today, we have to stick with it if it’s a serious goal of ours. We just have to. That’s how we get to the “many long years.”

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.

This reminds me of another quote I come across now & again, I don’t remember the exact words but it’s about how there will never be “perfect conditions” or a “perfect time” to begin or do something. There will always be some excuse we can come up with for procrastinating. It will be cold or hot or raining or we will be tired or have too much to do or be hungry or maybe have a bit of a common cold…but none of this matters. These things are “beside the point.” They don’t matter.

Bloom where you’re planted.

If you have any goals/dreams, whether they are new or old and whether you have just begun or been practicing for months or years, keep going!! Even if it’s not always easy, it’s always worth it! It doesn’t matter if it’s raining or it’s cold or we’re tired….just keep it moving and love the journey that is leading to something wonderful!❤

Hugs! & Much love & light,

Xoxo Kim

Welcome to rock bottom -the only way now is UP

“Face to face, out in the heat

Hanging tough, staying hungry

They stack the odds still we take to the street

For the kill with the skill to survive”🐯

Eye of the Tiger – Survivor

Here is a post I wrote a couple days ago and just edited it a bit.

“Welcome to Rock Bottom

One day, after another routinely dreadful morning, I sat in my car looking at our office and thinking, ‘I DO NOT want to go in there. I hate my job. I can’t stand Frank. I don’t make enough money. I am so underutilized! Should I leave the company? Would I even be missed? What’s the point of all this anyway? Is this really my life? This can’t be my life.’ And there it was. I had finally reached it—I was at rock bottom. As I mentioned, I believe rock bottom is the moment when you finally find the power and the strength you’ve always been lacking to change your today and go on to create a better tomorrow. I knew I couldn’t get any lower, and at that moment, I realized that all of the training, coaching, reading, and inspiring I’d engaged in just a few years earlier had not disappeared completely. I started to sense something deep within. There was still a tiny spark of hope that things could get better. That internal spark was like a smothered flame that just needed a little air, and as soon as I realized the spark was there, it was as if someone poured kerosene on it. I started to think: ‘If my circumstances won’t change, maybe I can change the way I look at my circumstances, and maybe as a result, they actually WILL change.'”

These are wise words by Kevin Clayson, author of Flip the Gratitude Switch. I have experienced “rock bottom” before, just like he mentions here, where it’s like I just can’t get any lower, so desperate, plummeting to the lowest depths of my despair, until I can’t possibly sink any lower. Pulled deeper and deeper and deeper into some dark, seemingly endless abyss when finally I realize there is an end. And I have reached it.

What do we do when our world is crumbling on top of us, when everything shatters, when it’s hard to stand, so difficult just to live & breathe, and we are pulled so low we can’t go any lower?

We rise.

Usually when I have experienced this “rock bottom,” it’s with depression and sometimes when my chronic physical pain disorder is flaring up to what seems like unbearable levels and my body is wracked in physical agony beyond belief. The only way I can get lower when I’m like this, is to be put in the ground. I haven’t experienced these things in a long while. My physical pain disorder has been doing so well. I have been experiencing mild to no pain each & every day. Thanking my lucky stars! And I can’t even remember when I was last depressed! I’m so happy!

But it’s true, this morning I realized I have hit “rock bottom.” A different kind of rock bottom. Not depression of any kind or physical pain. But still I have found my self in a very low place in this life. Two months ago, I think it was, October, I wasn’t depressed or in physical pain but was in Hell everyday for a couple weeks. It ended for a while and now is back!🙊😱

This Hell I speak of is fear. Terror. Not just a bit of anxiety. Fullblown fear. It’s not fear in general but about a specific thing. As I mentioned here, in a post titled Serendipitous Strength, I used to be deathly afraid of being closed in small places that I can’t just get out of the second I want to, especially elevators and especially when I’m alone. I have been this way for as long as I can remember. Why is a mystery. As a child, I had breakdowns going on elevators even with my mom & dad.

I healed myself. It is an incredible accomplishment and awe-inspiring. The fact that I had a relapse doesn’t matter. It doesnt change how incredible it is. I healed this fear once and can and will heal it again.

I never worked on this fear specifically but during my personal development journey, my quest to find healing, working on myself to help heal my depression and cope with tmjd “cluster headaches” without realizing it, I was conquering my fear of being closed in. With my personal development plan I teach myself and train my brain to know I can handle and conquer anything. To know I will always be free no matter what position I’m in in this life. To know life is a gift no matter what. To see positivity and opportunity in any situation no matter how dreadful. I trained my brain with meditation and quotes and music and songs and writing to stay calm and composed for the most part, in any situation no matter what, no matter how painful physically or emotionally. (Out of my post Serendipitous Strength)

The #1 one thing that helps me with my fear is my Buddhist studies, not even just meditation but the writings I read even when I don’t put them into practice as intended. Just the reads are so powerful. All of these other things, quotes, songs, basic mindfulness…, helped me to a great extent, with depression & chronic pain and when I found Kadampa Buddhism, I found deeper healing and healing for this fear.

Somewhat recently, I suffered a relapse and my old fear returned to me with a vengeance. The second the elevator doors close and I’m on there alone, my first thought is “I’m screwed” and a sense of panic arises.

For work, I sometimes have to get on elevators. For about ten months I had to seven days a week, mostly by myself. Thankfully my fear was healed. But in a fraction of a second, while on an elevator, by myself, I suffered a relapse. I made the mistake of watching the numbers go up and waiting for the doors to open and you know when we watch & wait, a second feels like forever. I felt the doors took a second longer than usual to open and that’s all it took to bring that breath-taking fear crashing back into me. Flooded with terror, when the door finally opened, I stumbled into the hallway, trembling inside & out, legs like jelly, dizzy, panicked.

And my fear has been with me since then. I no longer have to be on an elevator every single day anymore and that may be part of the problem. I’m no longer accustomed to it and no longer have that chance to practice being calm on an elevator everyday. Now with those two things, the relapse & being out of touch with elevators, I nearly fall to pieces when I have to get on one by myself. I’m not scared anymore if I’m on an elevator with a dog or a human.

What if the elevator malfunctions while I’m on there myself and I’m trapped inside a box for who knows how long? My worst nightmare. I know I can handle it. My conviction is strong. But I don’t always feel that I can handle it. My conviction never falters. I know anyone can handle anything if we train our brain and adjust our attitude. But sometimes I focus too much on the feeling of not being able to handle it. And i fear if i get trapped, I will become a blubbering wreck and never recover. Two or more weeks away and when I think of it, my head is in turmoil.

(Photo not mine)

I am not someone who curses a lot out loud, in writing, or in my head. It’s not that I think it’s wrong. I love when people curse a lot. Lol It’s just not me. But early, this morning I was walking up a street thinking about how in a few weeks I will be required to get onto an elevator(the doors for staircases in some buildings open to get outside but are locked on the outside to get upstairs so elevators are generally required), most likely alone, and everyday for at least a week, and how I’m going to be living & breathing fear, I’m going to be a total wreck in my head, just like two months ago, and I just thought Fuck this shit. Seriously, fuck it. I am done. Not done with life or with work. I am done being conquered by this fear. So done. And I realized I have hit rock bottom two months ago and am still here now. And I remembered Mr. Clayson’s story about how rock bottom is our opportunity to rise above. I will rise above this fear. I will conquer it.

How? I’m not quite sure but I know I will. I will discipline my brain. And I have a few things in mind. More intensive Dharma practice & gratitude practice, The Work, rhythmic breathing, desensitization…

There is no place for this fear. I don’t want it and I won’t have it. I don’t have to accept it because it can be changed. Two months ago I found it difficult to focus on anything other than this fear. I spilled coffee all over because my hands were trembling, My legs were shaky and I was lightheaded. After getting off an elevator, it took me so long to recover, those mornings & nights. Outside I probably looked a bit shaken up but inside, I was wrecked. (I did face my fear and kept getting on elevators though, {BY MYSELF, ALONE!!!, ME!!! On an elevator ALONE!!! Whhhaaattt?! Holy guacamole!} which is a display of great strength & courage. I did what I had to do while not repressing my fear) I felt that I couldn’t even stand up straight each day.

This is unacceptable and I will change it. Whatever it takes. I will not avoid elevators and will not put up with this terror. And there’s no place for it in my world. It’s not welcome here and I do not have to accept it.

I healed my fear mostly with Buddhist philosophy. And I will again. This is the main thing that brought me so much deep healing and I know without a doubt, it will again. I just have to concentrate.

Recently, I received a Dorje Shugden Empowerment and I am totally counting on it (& my previous Empowerments) helping me cope with & heal this fear.

Om vajra wiki witrana söha.

OM AH RA PA TSA NA DHI

Just like Mr. Clayson shares in the excerpt above, it can feel like all our previous strength, wisdom, personal development is down the drain, but it’s not. Somewhere deep inside, there is strength, wisdom, courage even if it seems to be long gone or seems like we never had any to begin with.

What I am promoting here is not necessarily any specific techniques like gratitude, meditation, conscious breathing or philosophy like Buddhist philosophy, though I do generally promote those. Here, I am just suggesting that we rise above our fear, pain, struggles…and keep going. Keep moving up. Pro-act. Let’s not sink to the bottom and stay there. Do something. Whatever it takes. Whether it’s professional help, meditation, personal development books, exercise, gratitude practice…find something, do something, and just keep going.

(Photo not mine)

It can be done. I did this before and if you are reading this now, so can you. I was able to make the choice to face a fear so powerful that I feel it can drive me insane, like I will lose all sense of language and awareness…, face it & conquer it and completely overcome it. Whatever your issue is, grief, fear, depression, addiction of any sort or something that may seem less serious…you can face it and overcome it. It’s not the problem itself that is actually the problem; it’s how we attach to it, perceive it, view it, react to it…and we have a choice to change that.

“I choose to FIGHT BACK! I choose to RISE, not fall! I choose to LIVE, not die! And I know, I know that what’s within me is also WITHIN YOU.”

We can & we will.

I am here cheering you on right along with cheering myself on. I have a lot of work to do and it’s every bit worth it. Keep going.

“When you’re at the end of your rope, tie a knot and hold on!!”

Much love & light & strength to you,

Xoxo Kim❤

P.s Elevators are the worst invention in the history of ever!!! I have a few choice words for the inventor! Blahhh!!!

Claudia.

(NOT my photo but so lovely)

Sometimes people are beautiful. Not in looks. Not in what they say. Just in what they are.”

Today I met a strong, beautiful woman named Claudia. Shortly after meeting her I had a rare thought. I thought:

I like her. I want to be like her.

It’s not rare for me to like someone but for me to actually, necessarily want to be like someone is rare. When I had the thought, it wasn’t unpleasant or negative or jealous or in a competitive way. It was more like me being so inspired by another woman’s beauty (not physical beauty, though Claudia is beautiful inside & out) which resonates so much with my own, that I want to reach deep within and unleash my own beauty in a more profound way. I want to strengthen it.

Something about her reminded me of me. She has a quiet, calm, simple, matter-of-fact, way about her. Not just displayed by how she talks or acts but just how she is.

While talking to her, she complimented another woman to me. There is nothing more beautiful than girls complimenting other girls.

And when she complimented me, it was sincere and not condescending like she thought I needed validation. Her only intention was to encourage & uplift.

Around her, I sensed a safe place. A place of no judgment, only love, acceptance, warmth.

She has a job helping, serving others, a job that takes deep compassion & great strength, both of what she displays so genuinely.

When I met her, I thought of the quote I shared above & was reminded of the beautiful song sung by Billy Joel, She’s got a way.

She’s got a light around her.

She’s got a way – Billy Joel

Claudia certainly has a way about her.

Humble but confident. Soft but strong. Tender, yet firm. Fiercely compassionate and very kind.

How beautiful it is to inspire someone simply by being. BEing our honest self. Not trying to be someone or something else. No matter who/what we are, someone, somewhere desires/longs for just that. Loud, quiet, warm, firm, syrupy sweet, badass, bitchy, reserved or very demonstrative….some of these things will resonate with some while others will resonate with someone else.

Keep on keeping on! You never know who your own beauty is inspiring!❤

I want to be an even better me after meeting Claudia.

Much love & light,

Xoxo Kim