Tag Archive | love

Soft touch β€οΈπŸ’‹

This is my Instagram post a few weeks ago in case anyone is interested in a skincare product that makes the skin super soft! Dermatologist recommended! πŸ˜πŸ’™ I deleted some old pics out of media library here to fit these new pics of me taken a few weeks ago! 😁

Cetaphil. I strongly recommend anyone looking for a skincare product to soften skin, to try this. It may not work for everyone the way it works for me but definitely give it a try. I am HEAVENLY to touch. I have very sensitive skin n am out all day all year long in extreme heat n cold. I have been looking for something to keep my skin soft and lovely n found it! Nothing else works like this! Whenever I touch my skin, even by accident very briefly throughout the day, it sends bolts of sensual pleasure through me.(not sexual 🀣). Like ecstasy. It is amazing!! My whole body is soft and smooth. Works best when I put it all over my body while it’s wet just after getting out of a shower in the evenings. Not dripping wet but still wet. I let myself air dry a bit then rub it all over me everywhere while I’m still all wet. Works wonders. Also put it on in the morning when I wake up. This lotion alone does not work as well for my face. So for my face, I clean it with witch hazel of any kind then when it dries, put the lotion on. I have charcoal too for my face n some other stuff I haven’t made a routine yet but will. My face is most exposed to the sun n I haven’t worn sunblock almost at all for five years out in the sun over ten hours a day, seven days. Melanoma just waiting to happen but hopefully not! I always forget! This isn’t sponsored or paid ad or anything, just trying to help anyone looking for a skincare product! It took me a while. Even if I skip a day(usually try not to), my skin stays extra soft. The skin on my lower body was already very soft, probably gets less sun, but even more softer after using this body lotion. I’m a pet nanny n the skin on my right hand is a bit damaged after years of walking many dogs seven days a week. I wrap the leashes very tightly around my hand to be extra sure they can’t get loose n when they pull n the constant friction does damage. Not painful at all but is damaged n the lotion even helps this, though not completely.
It begins working almost instantly, at least in my experience. Give it a try and you won’t be able to keep your paws off yourself! πŸ˜† (I look like I’m trying to be all cute in the second pic but I’m not)

Sending love to all! πŸ’œ

Xoxo Kim

Belongingness ❀️

β€œWhen we feel alone, we belong to the grand communion of those who sometimes feel alone.” ❀️

We all always belong somewhere and are in a group with many others who have something in common with us even when it doesn’t feel that way. Whatever situation we are in, feeling we are experiencing, someone else is also. And we belong with them. I read this quote on gratefulness.org, a website I have been subscribed to for a couple years. They encourage us to practice gratefulness all year long and to summon feelings of belongingness with others, with the whole uni-verse. They send inspiring quotes to our inbox each day and have online events to participate in and send newsletters and essays on positive topics, each month.

I definitely recommend signing up for the newsletter and checking out their beautiful website! It’s a gentle safe space for all and a reprieve when we are overwhelmed with the world, life, anything going on that is stressful.

Whenever we feel alone in our situation or life in general, let us remember, we belong with the rest of the people who feel that way. ❀️

I hope you are having a beautiful day or night wherever in the world you are!

Xoxo Kim

Happy, Happy, Halloween πŸŽƒ πŸ‘»!!!

Sending love & light to all. I know Halloween isn’t celebrated everywhere but we do here in the U.S. But wherever in the world you are, I’m sending loving vibrations! β€οΈπŸ’œπŸ’—πŸ’•πŸ–€

I made this with a fun photo app called Lightleap. It’s not expensive and it’s super fun! I recommend it to anyone who loves photography.

Xoxo Kim

Book recommendations! πŸ“šπŸ’œ (Mostly suspense/horror) 😱

Book recommendations!!! πŸ˜πŸ“š

(Screencap of my Kindle App – I did not read that black book in the middle, called “Asexuality,” that says “read;” I accidentally skipped to the end and it recorded it as read. And for some reason it won’t let me delete it off of downloads. I’m going to read it but later and I don’t want it showing up here now but can’t get it off.)

This is something I posted on FB last week! 😁

List of books I read in August! All on Kindle! I prefer e-books because I can carry them around more easily, carry multiple ones without it being heavy, can’t lose them, and can read in the dark/falling asleep, my favorite! Also can click a word to see a definition or quickly copy & paste into search box. Then when it’s through, I can easily put it away instead of having to carry it around if I’m out. And they take up less physical space. I travel for work a lot and read when I’m out and about. I can use the highlight function and copy and paste quotes/excerpts. I find e-books much more convenient all the way around.

I love reading but don’t always keep track of the books I read or how often. This month, I decided to list the ones I read. I read various kinds of books, fiction suspense/thriller/mystery, educational, personal development, science fiction, cute romantic love stories, best friend novels…. sometimes I read more suspense, sometimes more educational, sometimes more personal development,….but overall, the ones I seem to read and favor most are fiction suspense/horror/mystery/thriller. I don’t like true criminal stuff unless it’s fictionalized and loosely based on true events.

I love all of these and recommend them all to people who like these kind!

Here is a list with just the titles then I listed them again with descriptions!

1.) The Perfect Son -fiction – horror/suspense
2.) The Moonlight Child – fiction – suspense/mystery
3.) The Best Of Friends – fiction – suspense/mystery/psychological
4.) A Little Book of Ace by Clara Dehlin – educational book on asexuality
5.) One By One “A gripping psychological thriller with a twist you won’t see coming.”

I’m currently reading a thriller called “Victim Of A Delusional Mind” about a young woman abducted by a disturbed person. I may have it complete before August is through. After that, I’m going to read “Layla,” a paranormal thriller. I may read the “Haunting” one here after that.

I think the two books here I found most to be page turners are “One By One” & “The Best of Friends.” Couldn’t put them down!

1.) The Perfect Son -fiction – horror/suspense

DESCRIPTION
“‘Mrs. Cass, we were hoping your son could answer a few questions about the girl who disappeared last night…’

Erika Cass has a perfect family and a perfect life. Until the evening when two detectives show up at her front door.

A high school girl has vanished from Erika’s quiet suburban neighborhood. The police suspect the worst–murder. And Erika’s teenage son, Liam, was the last person to see the girl alive.

Erika has always sensed something dark and disturbed in her seemingly perfect older child. She wants to believe he’s innocent, but as the evidence mounts, she can’t deny the truth–Liam may have done the unthinkable.

Now she must ask herself:

How far will she go to protect her son?”

I don’t like the characters but the book is excellent!

2.) The Moonlight Child – fiction – suspense/mystery
TRIGGER WARNING ⚠️ This one involves child abuse. We don’t know until we begin reading it. I thought it was going to be a paranormal thriller.

DESCRIPTION
“A gripping and emotional novel that will leave you wondering about the neighbors next door…

On a cold January night, Sharon Lemke heads outside to see a lunar eclipse when she notices something odd at the house behind her backyard. Through her neighbor’s kitchen window, she sees what appears to be a little girl washing dishes late at night. But the Fleming family doesn’t have a child that age, and even if they did, why would she be doing housework at this late hour?

It would be easy for Sharon to just let this go, but when eighteen-year-old Niki, a former foster child, comes to live with Sharon, she notices suspicious activity at the Flemings’ house as well. When calling social services doesn’t result in swift action, the two decide to investigate on their own.”

Very likable characters (not all of them, but the protagonists).

3.) The Best Of Friends – fiction – suspense/mystery/psychological

TRIGGER WARNING ⚠️ – involves gun violence

DESCRIPTION
“An unthinkable tragedy forever changes a group of teens and turns family against family in this edge-of-your-seat thriller that begs to be read in one sitting.

Best friends Lindsey, Kendra, and Dani endure every parent’s nightmare when a tragic accident befalls their teenage boys, leaving one dead, another in a coma, and a third too traumatized to speak.

Reeling from the worst night of their lives, the three mothers plunge into a desperate investigation of the bizarre incident. How could something so horrible happen in their wealthy Southern California suburb?

They soon discover that the accident was just the beginning, and troubling discoveries lead to chilling questions: Do they really know their children? Do they even know each other? As more secrets surface, a fog of doubt and suspicion threatens to poison their families, their friendships, and the whole community.

With the illusion of happiness and safety long gone, these women must now confront the hazards of heartbreak, the consequences of jealousy, and the dangers of living double lives.”

This totally is a book that tempts us to read all in one sitting. I did not want to put it away! In my opinion, none of the characters are likable but the book is definitely great!

4.) A Little Book of Ace by Clara Dehlin – educational book on asexuality

DESCRIPTION
“Learn more about asexuality in this easily digestible book, filled with illustrations, metaphors, definitions, and spaces for your own personal reflections. In a world that isn’t always kind to marginalized communities, it is important to continually educate yourself to better understand others’ experiences. Whether you are hoping to show up better for someone you love, explore your own identity, learn something new, or anything in between, this book will provide you with an understanding of what it means to be asexual.”

Short, easy to understand, and very informative. It seems directed at young people; it’s written with a tone and way that appeals to asexual children(yep, they exist!), but I recommend it for any age.

5.) One by One – “A gripping psychological thriller with a twist you won’t see coming.”

DESCRIPTION:

“One by one, they will get what they deserve…

A night spent sleeping on dirt and leaves is not how Claire Matchett expected to spend her vacation.

She thought this would be a break from the stresses of work and raising her young children.  A chance to repair her damaged marriage.  A week of hiking and hot tubs with two other couple friends.  It sounded like heaven.

Then Claire’s minivan breaks down on a lonely dirt road. With no cell reception, the group has no choice but to hike the rest of the way to their hotel. But it turns out the woods aren’t as easy to navigate as they thought.

Hours later, they are lost. Hopelessly lost. 

And as they navigate deeper into the woods, the members of their party are struck down mysteriously one by one. Has a wild animal been hunting them? Or is the hunter one of them?

But as more time passes, one thing becomes clear:

Only one of them will return home alive.”

All great books! πŸ“š

I hope you are having a beautiful day or night wherever in the world you are! πŸ’œ

Xoxo Kim 😍❀️

Saturday Inspiration 🌞 πŸŒΈ

“An old farmer was once asked at a meeting of the Agricultural Congress to give his opinion on the best slope of land for the raising of a particular kind of fruit. ‘It does not make so much difference,’ said the old man, ‘about the slope of the land as the slope of the man.’ Many a farmer who has the right slope makes a good living and gets a competence on very poor soil, while the farmer who does not slope the right way barely exists upon the richest soil. Happiness does not depend so much upon our being favorably environed as upon the slope of our mind. It is not enough to extract happiness from ideal conditions; any one can do that. But it is the self-mastered, the self-poised soul who can get happiness out of the most inhospitable surroundings. ‘Paradise is here or nowhere. You must take your joy with you or you will never find it.’ The trouble with us is that we expect too much from the great happenings, the unusual things, and we overlook the common flowers on the path of life, from which we might abstract sweets, comforts, delights.”

Xoxo Kim πŸ’œ

Being KindπŸ’•

Being Kind – Empty Hands

“Last night I’m walking home
And a homeless man says β€˜hello’
With a smile to let me know
That he’s got a lotta’ hope

He says have faith, young man, we are fine
The world is kind, one small act at a time

Small acts we do together
Even though may be alone
Changes the world for the better
So we can call it home”

People in person are so, so, SO much kinder and more civil and open minded than people on social media. I don’t understand it. There is so much arguing and snippy comments even over petty stuff like a silly meme. I get more positive comments than unpleasant but I definitely get unkind messages/comments somewhat frequently sometimes and I see the pointless negative and mocking comments others receive. And the threads I see with people debating, almost always end up full of vicious insults and ridicule. It’s like people *look* for things to be angry and offended over these days, and go out of their way to be unkind to others online. Even just slightly negatively sarcastic comments are often slung online when they probably would be less likely in person because through a screen, we feel more bold with a degree of anonymity, or we see people as less human and less worthy of respect.

Would you all do this in person if it was all the same people but in each other’s faces without a screen as a protective barrier? I would think we would be embarrassed to act in person how we do online and should be embarrassed acting that way online too.

Recently I was out in person with a group of lgbtq people, who all just met each other, and it was so much a pleasant interaction talking about all kinds of stuff, lgbtq related and not, even a couple of debates where some disagreed with others, that I realized even more how very toxic social media can be because of how people choose to use it. On social media we want to jump down each other’s throats then use our big bad blocking power to ultimately put them in their place after chewing them out.

The conversation I had with people in person are some of the very same I have/see online and it was a totally different experience in person, much more pleasant and a deeper sense of connection. I missed it and haven’t experienced it in so long.

It was like a “breath of fresh air” to be able to chat, laugh, joke about things that online would have triggered unnecessary insults, negative tones, ignorant comments, people blocking. And there was no exclusion or judging, just a bunch of people accepting and understanding each other completely.

The scary thing is though, these keyboard warriors and anonymous a$$holes online are real people who exist and they must be somewhere in person so where are they? Are they pretending to be kind in person because they don’t have the nerve to act how they do online? Or maybe they just stay in being all “bad” online and never showing their faces for real. Not sure, but I can say the in person world is a much friendlier place than social media world.

This morning I woke up to an online lgbtq debate by people at each other’s throats, slinging insults and accusations and ridiculing each other, even people on the “same side” just because of how something was worded or a minor disagreement on something else. When I was out with people in person recently, we had this same discussion/debate that I saw here and not once did anyone insult each other or ridicule each other or get snippy. No one scoffed at each other and there were no laughing emojis as a tool to use invalidation and ridicule as abuse.

It was just a totally safe space and a feeling of togetherness.

Everyone offered their own views and experiences and were all happy to hear the views/experiences of others.

Also, in person when talking to people we just meet, it’s easier to get an idea of the person’s character and tone and true intentions than through a screen. There was a debate that could have gotten ugly fast and if I was witnessing it/engaging in it online, I may have thought some people were the biggest a-holes and not have wanted to interact with them anymore but in person, we really see where the person is “coming from.” We can detect their tone and pick up on body language/energy, nuances, mannerisms to a greater extent than online.  Not everyone is the d!ck we may think they are online, when we are face to face with them, in the flesh. It’s much easier to judge and dismiss online than in person. People’s intentions are definitely more obvious in person sometimes. And it’s easier to see them as human, as flesh and blood, as full of emotion, as a person with many different aspects. Online, it’s easier to think of them as just an online figure or “just some a$$” who lives across the country/world.

The internet, if not handled carefully, is a tool that can be used to dehumanize people.

So many online interactions end with people blocking and reporting each other’s accounts; our recent in person interaction ended with us making plans to meet up and all hang out again.

It reminds me of when people say they are in an abusive relationship/family/have     sh!tty friends for so long and they finally get out and meet someone new who shows them how they really should be loved and that they are better than how they have been being mistreated. Most of my socialization and conversations and the ones I witness about lgbtq/political… issues are online. Getting back out in person reminded me how social interactions should be, not the abuse we endure online.

Social media is a great thing and allows us to do so much good and keep in touch with/meet people we never would without it but it’s so unfortunate how people misuse it to carry out abuse.

I suggest we all be more kind in person and online. And remember online people are real people, not just some online figures we can use as targets for abuse then go our merry way without a care in the world. Those thumbnail pictures we see and the usernames represent actual people with real lives and emotions.

And a reminder to people who have only/mainly social interactions online and encounter much hostility, it’s not an accurate reflection of the outside world! People are generally kind. It’s just the internet tends to bring out people who choose to be unpleasant in interacting with others and allows them to feel less awkward being unnecessarily unkind.

I hope you are having a beautiful day or night wherever in the world you are!

Xoxo Kim πŸ’œπŸ³οΈβ€πŸŒˆ

Honoring the present moment πŸŒΈ

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This is a beautiful blog and blog post by husband & wife, Marc & Angel. I love their wisdom. I recommend this blog post to all! I think it’s a reminder most of us can use now and again. πŸ’—πŸŒΈπŸ₯€βš˜πŸŒ±πŸŒ·πŸŒΌπŸŒ»πŸŒΊ


“Admitting the Hard Truth, and Embracing It

Where you are and what you’re doing at any given moment is absolutely essential.

Because it is the only moment guaranteed to you.

You are not on your way somewhere else.

You are not progressing to a more important time or place.

The present is not just a stepping-stone: It is the ultimate destination, and you have already arrived.

This moment is where your greatest power lies.

This moment is your life!

It might seem obvious, but, again, I forget.Β  And I know you do too.

All day, every day, many of us feel like the present isn’t enoughβ€”like our life isn’t worthy of our full presence.”

“What if we admitted that life is slipping away right now, and saw the fleeting time we have as enough, without needing to share it on social media or capture it or alter it in any way?”

This is true. I have found a balance of both, treasuring the present moment while also capturing its beauty to share with others. I take in the beauty and if it’s still there after basking in the presence of it, I take a pic. When I’m standing under a cherry 🌸 blossom tree and there’s a butterfly or sparrow on one of its branches, I first allow myself to be in the moment and if it’s all still the same a few moments later and I can get a picture, that’s amazing, and if not, that’s great too! But experiencing it, fully, is more important than getting a picture and interrupting the full presence. Sometimes I look out a window and see a beautiful scene with traffic and people and I have an urge to run and get my phone for a picture to capture it exactly as it is thwn before it changes but I know if I turn to get my phone, it won’t be the same when I get back, so I just stand and accept the beauty as it is in that fleeting moment without a picture.

One Hard Thing You Must Admit Before Your Life Slips Away by Marc & Angel

I hope you are having a beautiful day or night wherever in the world you are! πŸ’—

Xoxo Kim

Clowns 🀑

Clowns 🀑 – Too Much Joy – song

“I have nightmares filled with clowns and you’re there too

You have a big red nose and stupid floppy shoes

You’re becoming one I can see the signs” 🀑

Trigger Warning ⚠️: Phobias mentioned here

Fun fact: Last night, I had a dream about coulrophobia. So I decided to turn myself into a clown. Lol

In the dream, I was watching a movie about a young man with coulrophobia(fear of clowns). I don’t remember what his job was in my dream but whatever it was, his coulrophobia was interfering with his quality of work. For something to do with his job, he had to see a clown 🀑 or something if I remember correctly. His job was not actually about clowns though. It was something he usually did not have to encounter but it just happened that he had to cross paths with a clown now at work, just a coincidence. Maybe he had to visit someone’s house for work where they had a clown figure or photo? I don’t really remember much about that but whatever it was, his quality of work was greatly suffering and his boss was angry. He ordered him to be treated with exposure therapy, a form of treatment often used to treat phobias. The young man was having emotional difficulty with the exposure. He had to walk alone into a dark room in an old warehouse or factory or something like that, at night, full of life sized clown mannequins so he can get used to them and no longer be afraid. He couldn’t handle it.

In the movie in my head, his boss called him and was angrily telling him to get his shit together and stop acting like a coward and get on with it because he had work to get done. He was tired of his “nonsense.” I can still hear his voice dripping with arrogance, disdain, indifference to someone else’s suffering.

The movie in my dream was about how people who were murderers, dressed as clowns just like the clown mannequins used for his exposure, and creeped into the building and stood in the room next to the fake ones so they could eventually jump out at him during his exposure treatment. Lol It wasn’t part of the therapy and his boss wasn’t in on it. They were just psychos who somehow knew about it. They were strangers.

In my dream, I somehow got into the movie. Like it somehow turned real. But this wasn’t strange in my dream like it would have been for real. Like in reality we would be amazed, shocked, or confused if we somehow got into a movie or a movie turned real. But in my dream it was just a casual thing. The movie was all of a sudden not a movie and was real life and I was in it. I was walking into the dark room with the clowns. I knew the killers were in there since I just was watching the movie and wasn’t sure if they would lunge for me or not. But I had something to do in that room. I don’t remember what or even if I knew in the dream but I wasn’t sure if I should keep going and fulfill my obligation or turn around and leave since the killers were in there. The young man wasn’t there and I knew he would be coming soon. I think whatever I had to do was for my own job. This is realistic of me to still consider doing something that needs to be done even if it may be dangerous to me. I work with dogs and sometimes they can be aggressive. There are occasions I still considered interacting with them even when they clearly wanted to rip me to shreds. Lol And occasions I had to still feed and give them water while they were coming at me because a dog has to eat. Lol So this part of my dream makes perfect sense.

I wasn’t scared in the dream but a bit anxious and my body was tense like it was deciding it maybe should run. Then I saw some of the clowns moving and a vague thought crossed my mind like is this real or is it part of a movie I was just watching. It was like reality (the dream’s reality) and the movie blended.

So I wasn’t sure what would happen. Are they going to get me or ignore me? I had a feeling like they weren’t going to try to kill me. This is how I am for real in general, very trusting and always expecting the least bad thing to happen. I generally have this feeling like everything will work out well. I am not very anxious. I have suffered a couple bouts with anxiety but am generally not someone who is anxious. So I wasn’t extremely concerned for myself.

This feeling like this is real but also not is difficult to explain but in the dream it made sense. It was like a blend of something. Like sort of real, sort of not. I think this is common in dreams.

I think I decided not to walk into the room just in case the clowns tried to kill me. Better safe than sorry. Lol I remember walking away with this feeling of being very safe.

Then I woke up. Lol Intrigued by the dream. I don’t know what provoked that vivid and detailed dream or if there is really a movie like this but if there is one, I haven’t seen it. My head just made it up.

I had exposure therapy myself in reality, a few years ago, for debilitating claustrophobia. It began as professional treatment but I quit and handled it on my own, continuing exposure on my own terms. My claustrophobia was interfering with life because I have to get on elevators for work. There is no option sometimes to use the stairs and my claustrophobia was taking over everyday even when I did not have to get on elevators that day because I knew I would soon have to get inside them. In my dream, I sort of remembered my real life exposure therapy and how it was absolutely frightening at first and I experienced empathy and compassion for the young man. It’s like cruelty, irony, the thing we fear most in life is the very thing we must come face to face with alone, to get better.

I used to avoid elevators at all costs. I used to run up 20 or more things of stairs just to avoid them. This wasn’t a problem because I am very healthy and fit and energetic, always have been. But in college I had to get to buildings early to be able to run up 20 or more floors without being late for classes.

Sometimes that isn’t an option and stairs are blocked off. Some years ago, my claustrophobia triggered suicidal depression in me to the point I couldn’t even hold my toothbrush to brush my teeth in the mornings. I couldn’t handle knowing on any random day I may have to go into an elevator and that triggered a depressive episode that became no longer about that; the depression took on a life of its own. So I was struggling with a severe depressive episode on top of a bad, bad case of claustrophobia.

I grew up claustrophobic for an unknown reason. I have been for as long as I can remember, mostly about elevators. But it was rarely a problem because I rarely had any reason to have to get into them. So it may not have been able to be diagnosed as claustrophobia back then. Sometimes I had to avoid visiting people in hospitals because I couldn’t get into an elevator to the hospital room. On the occasions I did force myself, I would have some psychiatric breakdown. I have collapsed in crippling panic and have embarrassed family in front of strangers at the mere thought of getting into an elevator. Now I think it’s hilarious, especially embarrassing my mom and dad. One day when I was little we were all on a glass elevator with a stranger and I began to panic. I screamed at the top of my lungs and began kicking and flailing my arms and yelling let me out, let me out, let me out….just to go up two floors. The stranger turned and just stared in shock. My mom and dad were so embarrassed. ” My mom yelled, “Kim, you did NOT have to act like that!!!” It gives me a good belly laugh now when I remember it. πŸ€£πŸ˜‚πŸ˜­πŸ˜„πŸ˜Ή I remember my body flooded with sweet relief when that door opened.

All these years later, if I wanted to keep my job, I had to get over it. And I did. Years of claustrophobia gone in just a few weeks of simple regular exposure. Exposure works wonders, at least for me. It made me realize how something so powerful and debilitating is actually very, very weak.

Whenever I had to step into an elevator, it felt like I was going to die. My mouth dried up and always tasted like metal, like literally tasting fear. My entire body felt squeezed in the chokehold of death. The fear is so powerful it feels like I would *literally* go insane, like lose all sense of language and awareness and bodily movements. I felt like I could claw out my own eyes and claw off my own skin. And one day I actually did claw my own skin off when I was in an elevator alone as a teenager. There was no way out of the building unless I got into an elevator. I went into a panic and just mindlessly began ripping my skin off with my fingernails. Everything turned white like this blinding light around my head. I couldn’t see or think. All I could do was claw at my own body, my arms and ab, all bleeding when I finally stepped out of the elevator.

Welcome to my nightmare. πŸ–€

(almost had a cow when I saw this a couple years ago 😳 🀣 Just sitting there, doors wide open as if to tempt me; it felt like it was watching me, daring me. Lol It’s an old out of service elevator in a building I visit for work. It hasn’t been in use for some years and is in a strange place, not near the rest of the elevators and looks all old and dingy while the rest are newer looking and its doors are ALWAYS closed. But one day, I walk by and the doors are open! Holy guacamole! My heart nearly leapt out of my chest. Luckily my claustrophobia was already healed by then but this thing made it want to come back 🀣😭😹 Some things you just can’t unsee)

It has always felt like an eternity before the doors opened again and a sense of deep, deep dread and despair & regret as I watched them close on me.

It’s a kind of fear that knocks the wind out of me and takes my whole breath away. I have been in awe at how powerful it is.

I had a relapse once after mostly recovering when it seemed like an elevator door took a second too long to open, when I was inside by myself. It came back with a vengeance. It was way worse than before. I got mostly rid of the claustrophobia on my own by getting into elevators with dogs and found it healing. Then it came back then the regular exposure on my own helped significantly.

Now even if a door seems to take longer to open, I don’t have breakdowns or relapses. I get into elevators everyday by myself with no problems at all and find them very peaceful. Like a very brief reprieve where the outside world and all its problems and noise and stress and drama can’t touch me.

I love how a place that once felt so dark and cold and deadly is now a place of warmth and security like being wrapped in a cozy blanket.

There are some random occasions, I am a bit anxious with elevators and avoid them or sometimes suck it up and get into them anyway. But it’s not frequent. And not severe. I know if I am already anxious about something else, something unrelated, and have to get into an elevator, it sometimes triggers the claustrophobia but it goes away again. I believe if I ever stop getting into elevators for a long while then I do again, the claustrophobia may come back. I have experienced this already. So I try to get into them as much as possible to keep it away. It’s a lifelong condition that has to be controlled with regular exposure or I will go insane with fear again.

I don’t know what is up with this dream. Lol But it reminds me a bit of my own real experience. Even the old, dark warehouse where the clowns were. My work office used to be in one. Lol

I am not afraid of clowns and never have been. This wasn’t a scary dream at all. It wasn’t a nightmare even though it may seem like it. I don’t usually have dark or scary dreams. They’re usually positive, happy, or mundane. Though I have been plagued off and on, for as long as I can remember, by nightmares about being inside elevators and being stuck in them, sometimes with people, usually alone. Or sometimes terrifying dreams knowing I will soon be getting into an elevator. Sometimes I wake myself up before it happens or I force myself awake after I get into one if I can. I still have them on rare occasions but almost never since the claustrophobia went away. They are horrifying dreams and just dreadful. I had them since I was little even when I did not have to get into elevators and haven’t been recently in one. My brain just obsessed with them for some reason. I don’t ever remember any unpleasant experience with elevators that made this happen, just grew up with it. My earliest memories are terror when near an elevator. Couldn’t even bring myself to look at them walking by. I used to curse whoever invented them. I felt like that person destroyed my life sometimes.

This dream is bizarre for me because I don’t usually have them like this and it seems a bit creative. I’m not someone who is a creative writer or anything. So I don’t know why my head made this up.

Very recently, like just over one week ago, I saw the word “heliophobia” and looked it up to see what it is(a fear of the sun or bright light) and while scrolling, the word “coulrophobia” showed up. I think this is what inspired the dream but don’t know why just seeing that word and a pic of a clown holding balloons would inspire a whole story in my head while I sleep. Lol It’s heliophobia I was was interested in, not the clown one.

And the dream was very, very vivid. I remember the clowns and their faces and their pastel colored pj’s and balloons.🎈 And I remember the young man very clearly but don’t remember ever seeing him for real in person. I read before that all faces we see in dreams are real faces we saw at one point in life, even if years ago. It doesn’t mean in the dream they were who they are in reality, just that the face is real. I don’t know if it’s true.

Horror movies are my guilty pleasure, which I think also contributed to the dream, and I think this would be a good movie! 😍

I hope you are having a beautiful day or night wherever you are!

Xoxo Kim πŸ’œ